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Sword of Holy Fury

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This just in!

May 12th, 2005 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)

I just figured out that Kwai Chang Caine from Kung Fu and his grandson Kwai Chang Caine from Kung Fu: The Legend Continues are really just allegorical representations of the life of Jesus Christ, with the wandering and the good-doing, and the ass-kicking with the beating stick, and so forth.

I think they upped the ass-kicking a bit for the ratings. Also I’m not sure Jesus was Buddhist.

PS: You should see Kung Fu Hustle. It is like Quentin Tarantino and Tex Avery got together to make a Kung Fu movie. Jesus said it totally kicks ass.

PPS: I think I set a record for pointless hyperlinks there.

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What dog poo taught me

May 11th, 2005 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)

Listen, children, as I impart a lesson learned by watching a dog take a shit.

Like Jimmy Pop said, I hate poopin’ in public places. The constant noise of others coming and going (pardon the pun) really makes my brown eye squint. I’m always super self-conscious about the rude noises and foul smells coming from my stall and even worry about the “dirt roads” left behind on the bowl when I flush. These low-flow toilets don’t seem to have much in the way of self-cleaning ability, at least not when dealing with my turds.

I can’t stop the people or the noises or the smells, but through a stroke of pure genius I have come up with a way to deal with poo-trail issues. Crap on paper.

Seriously. Crap on paper.

Every single public bathroom stall has a dispenser for those rings of tissue paper. I don’t know what those things are really for other than allowing piss/shit water to wick up to your thighs, but I have come up with a better use for them. Take two or three sheets of ass-gasket from the dispenser and float them on the water in the bowl. When you do the doo, your little torpedoes will land on and sink the floating paper, keeping the tissue layers between your butt mud and the pristine porcelain.

In order to avoid clogging the works and just on the general principal of doing right by those around you, it would be best to do a courtesy flush before you start wiping. When you flush you will send a little wrapped package of feces off to the Bay for the homeless to nourish themselves with, and nary a fleck left behind.

Who doesn’t like a brown-bag lunch, after all?

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Ah-mer-uh-kuh?

April 29th, 2005 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)

I only have one thing to say in reply to this video, and that is…

America! FUCK YEAH!
Coming again, to save the mother fucking day, yeah.

America! FUCK YEAH!
Freedom is the only way, yeah.

Terrorist your game is through cause now you have to answer too
America! FUCK YEAH!

So lick my butt and suck on my balls.
America! FUCK YEAH!

What you going to do when we come for you, now?

PS: Just how does Dennis Madalone think “America” is spelled?

PPS: Why is the baby in the cemetery (that sounds bad if you haven’t see the video) browner than its mom and what I presume is the dad?

PPPS: Anyone who finds “America We Stand as One” deep, meaningful, or touching needs to learn that cheesy, back-patting, pseudo-hair-metal, patriotic ballads are neither deep nor meaningful, and that the only thing that should have been touched was the “stop” button on the video player.

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Catusha, Bringer of Pizza

April 8th, 2005 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)

I sold my soul to a lovely temptress and the price was pizza, cake, and a “Birthday Girl” tiara for me to wear.

All is forgiven. Farewell, holy chonies…

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Catusha, Destroyer of Souls

April 8th, 2005 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)

My girlfriend demolished my last pair of old chonies last night. I had thought I was pretty fucking clear with her about my sentimental attachment to them the last time she destroyed a pair, or perhaps the time before that, or maybe the time before that.

Men are not supposed to throw tighty-whiteys away; they must gently fade and tear until they become translucent, nebulous things, things no longer of this earth, destined for a high purpose.

Holey chonies become holy chonies. Just ask the Pope.

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Panda jizz on my legs and my arms from you…

March 29th, 2005 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)

Panda jizz
Panda jizz
Panda jizz

PS: FROG enclosure.

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I’m not a racist, but I play one on TV.

March 25th, 2005 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)

I read this article and laughed my silly ass off. I imagined the conversation went something like this:

i b n Ya: Hey, sexy islama-mama. I bet u’v got sum nice burka-biscuts.
Hottimah: LOL. U R 2 much. I M single and horny. Wanna go ‘la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la’ 2gether, u stud?
i b n Ya: U bet ur schweet Allah I do! I’ll show you 7 pillars you won’t forget.

later…

“Sanaa?”
“Bakr!”
“What the fuck? YOU SAID YOU WERE SINGLE! AND ALSO SOMEONE ELSE!”
“Well, you said you were hung like a camel, and we both know THAT isn’t true…”

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Tears in my Ears

February 14th, 2005 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)

Ominous title for a Valentine’s Day post, eh?

Speaking of Mentos, I had the worst dream last night that I think I have had in a decade or more. Woke up uncontrollably upset, if that gives you any clue. I regularly have weird, vivid, often even upsetting dreams, but this is the first time in a long while that I have been unable to sleep afterward.

The short version is that I dreamed I was going to be murdered and there was nothing I could do about it. I had a few minutes to get my affairs in order and say goodbye to whomever I could get in contact with and then it was the end for me. No running, no hiding, no fighting back: I was just going to die.

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Illustrating my point

January 12th, 2005 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)

I have long argued that people need to pass a test on critical thinking before they be allowed to vote. As it stands, voters (especially here in California, even several I know and love) tend to vote from emotion or whim rather than based on facts or careful examination of ALL sides of an issue.

To all the people who decided that CA Prop 69 was a good idea (even those close to my heart), I’d just like to take a moment to reiterate what I said about trusting people with your personal information.

As a quick review, this was the proposition, now passed, which will change mandatory DNA collection in the state. California previously required that DNA be collected from convicted violent felons and cataloged for matching against other past and future crimes. Now the collections rules apply to all convicted felons, all convicted sex offenders and arsonists (including those convicted of attempting to commit of either crime) regardless of class of crime, and all adults arrested for or charged with either a sex offense, murder, or voluntary manslaughter or the attempt of one of those 3 crimes. Starting in 2009 the law will also require collection from any adult charged or arrested for any felony. The rules are retroactive, too, so anyone currenly in jail, on parole, or on probation for any felony, sex offense (attempted or committed), or arson (attempted or committed) will have to submit to DNA collection and cataloging. There is no provision requiring the government to remove your DNA if you are acquitted, charges are dropped, or you are released without being charged.

This will help cast a wider net to catch violent offenders, right? This will never be misused by the government, right? DNA evidence and collection and storage are all 100% error-proof, right?

Leaving all those issues aside, I actually came to argue about the safety of the data in the system so have a look at the following news blurb:

A sophisticated computer hacker had access to servers at wireless giant T-Mobile for at least a year, which he used to monitor US Secret Service email, obtain customers’ passwords and Social Security numbers, and download candid photos taken by Sidekick users, including Hollywood celebrities, SecurityFocus has learned.

Twenty-one year-old Nicolas Jacobsen was quietly charged with the intrusions last October, after a Secret Service informant helped investigators link him to sensitive agency documents that were circulating in underground IRC chat rooms. The informant also produced evidence that Jacobsen was behind an offer to provide T-Mobile customers’ personal information to identity thieves through an Internet bulletin board, according to court records.

This is just the latest in a long history of computer intrusions, public, private, and government. Yes, Virginia, government systems get hacked, too. Now we get to run the risk of being arrested without cause and having information about out DNA stuck in a database with felons and other poor suckers, and since there is no such thing as 100% perfect security all this exceedingly personal information could be compromised by nefarious characters not employed by the state.

In a worst-case situation I can get a new Social Security Number. Where can I get new DNA?

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My beautiful baby

January 10th, 2005 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)

Last night I humped my new TiVo a little.

We just traded in Comcast Cable for the sexy smooveness that is DirecTV and TiVo. We are no longer slaves to that goddamn box.

I wanted to go out and check on my laundry, so my roommate paused 24 for me. Paused it. Once I was back in, we made up the lost time by fast-forwarding the next commercial break until we were back in real-time. I quietly wept for the joy of it.

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