Really Panda? You’re not even trying anymore! Fortunes used to actually take a risk and says something was going to happen to you. Then they pussed out and just started to give advice. (“Don’t poke a stick in your eye” or something real bold like that). Now, it’s just “Ask Your Mom.” That’s just pathetic. No one could come up with something better than that? THose peopel who BS their way through horoscopes come up with 12 things every day. Just rip off one of those…sheesh.

Plus…this would totally ruin the “Between the sheets” game (Also known as “in bed.”)

In 1984, the final Muppet movie to feature Jim Henson was released. It was called “The Muppets Take Manhattan.” The story follows everyone’s favorite felt family as they go from college to New York to try and sell their play, “Manhattan Melodies” on Broadway (It is never explained how or why they write a play about Manhattan without ever stepping foot in New York…or how it could possibly be good, but more on that later). Since Broadway had a shortage of kiddie themed shows at the time (this was pre-Lion King or Beauty and The Beast), Kermit is able to sell the show.

“Yeah I just sold the show. What could go wrong?”

Unfortunately, right after Kermit sells the show he goes missing when he gets hit by a taxi and develops amnesia (which is much better outcome than what happens to MOST frogs when they get hit by cars). The rest of the cast and crew spend two weeks prepping the show and looking for Kermit. Finally it is opening night and Kermit (still with amnesia) somehow finds himself backstage at the show just before curtain time. Miss Piggy gives him a good karate chop and his memories come back (because that’s how that would work).

Still better medicine than Kaiser.

So they catch Kermit up on the fact that it’s opening night and it’s time to start the show. Kermit is hesitant because he says there’s still something “missing” form the show (oh…he’s been saying that the whole movie…did I forget to mention that? Ah well) They convince Kermit to go on anyway and on the way to the stage they pass a bunch of random Muppets (frogs, bears, chickens, etc) and Fozzie asks if they can watch the show from backstage and Kermit decided THAT is what has been missing, “More frogs, and dogs and bears..and whatever! You’re not gonna watch the show, you’re gonna be IN the show.” …and that brings me to the point of this blog.

“C’mon gang. You’re going to help tear open a plot hole! Yaaaay!!!

How in the world did Kermit re-work the script and give it to these new “actors” in time for them to learn their parts?! I mean Kermit makes this call LITERALLY on his way to the stage…seconds before the opening number! Then the open number is maybe 15 seconds long and BOOM…all these people who had no idea they were going to be in a play a minute ago are all of a sudden in costumes and singing and dancing like they’d been planning this for years.

“I can see how we planned this in less than a minute.”

And they have all these elaborate props and moving scenery…where did that come from? None of the original cast is in the second number? Did they have all that laying around? If so, this could perhaps be the best improv troupe EVER!

“Hey you use that cut out of a bus, I’m going to dress like a police officer and direct traffic.”

“we’re gonna put on these construction hats and put up this ‘Dogs At Work’ sign”

“Wow…lucky they were expecting some talking/singing dogs to come by the theater.”

“Every theater has this stuff, right?”

Then we jump to the finale, the wedding of Kermit and Piggy in a huge church set. No wonder Kermit thought something was missing. If it hadn’t been for all of those extra “actors” most of that church would be empty. That’s just poor set design. Why design a church that seats hundreds if your play has 11 actors in it? No wonder Broadway tickets are so expensive. Wasteful…just wasteful. Thank goodness Kermit was able to make that work with only a few moments of rational thought.

How are Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem in the second row on the left if they are in the orchestra pit playing the music?

But lets put all that aside for a second. It’s a good thing that the film ends immediately after the play’s finale so we don’t see the audience riot and the Muppets get run out of town on a rail. From curtain up to the end of the play, Manhattan Melodies is 7 minutes and 32 seconds long. I know some guys out there have wished that Broadway musicals were that short…but it is not the case. Most Broadway shows are longer than the entire Muppets Take Manhattan movie.

Look out behind you , green guy…they’re coming with pitch forks!

But we’ll set length aside for a second as well…let’s focus on the “plot” of Manhattan Melodies. The play starts with a bunch of animals singing about how it’s great to be “together again.” Okay…but who are you and why weren’t you together before this? Do we get to find out? Nope! When the number ends they all disappear to reveal a busy Manhattan street where there is a breaking front page news story. What is that story? “Somebody’s Getting Married.”

I guess crime was on vacation that day

Yes, it is the slowest news day in the history of Manhattan…and perhaps the world. The entire city seems to be a buzz with the news that somebody’s getting married. Now I could see if a pig and a frog were getting married that it might make a few heads turn, but they don’t say that…they just repeat “somebody.” It’s almost as though the identity of the soon-to-be married couple is a mystery. But then the play takes a dramatic turn when…they get married. That’s it. Curtain down. Thanks for coming. Drive safe. Man, if you thought Mama Mia wasn’t compelling, you are gonna gouge your eyes out at this “story.”

“You were right…I would have rather watched Legally Blonde”

So I guess after this, the show closes. Which I guess is good since most of those extra “actors” wouldn’t necessarily be available for an extended run. So that would have been awkward. But hey…at least they lived their dream and performed on Broadway…for one night.

Despite all this…Muppets Take Manhattan is STILL my favorite Muppet movie! Thus proving something doesn’t have to make sense to be awesome!

I have a completely different reason for hating taxes than most people…tax time is the time I’m forced to confront how little I’m making as a stand up comic. Let me tell you, 2009 was my worst year ever! I made less than half of what I made in 2008.

The good news is that I’m on track to do much better this year than both previous years. So here’s hoping 2010 is where it all turns around for Tim. Otherwise you may see me soon asking you, “Would you like to ‘King Size’ your meal?”* And then tax time will have me wondering if I can deduct ketchup stain removal products.

*Yeah, I said “King Size,” not “Super Size.” If I go fast food, I’m going Burger King, baby. I’m not about to lose ALL my dignity!

Let’s go further and say that there may be a few dozen people on earth who have as much experience knitting yak-hair cozies as I do.

Approximately 99.98% (±0.02%) of the time this has no bearing on my life.

About two weeks ago, I was contacted out of the blue by a recruiter looking for a yak-hair-cozy-knitter. No foolin’.

The job, in many ways, is the opposite of what I’d want: the position is not local, the job is not guaranteed to be permanent, the housing market sucks, and I haven’t dealt with yak hair in a while.

On the flip side, with enough money a lot of those issues get solved. With a fuck-ton of money the rest don’t matter.

The list of what I won’t do for money is pretty much limited to:

1. Risk the life or health of myself or my loved-ones.
2. Behave immorally.

The thing is, I have no idea what people pay for this skill. It doesn’t exactly show up in salary guides. Hell, most people give you a blank stare when you try to explain why someone would want a yak-hair tea cozy.

Compounding this dilemma is the fact that the recruiter is an information gate between me and the people that want the tea cozies, and one that is economically motivated to low-ball me. The more they can get from their client and the less they pay me, the more profit they take in. They want to sell the client a expert who knows yak hair backwards and forwards, but they’ve got good reasons to offer the expert as little as the expert will accept.

Their initial offer would be good money if I wasn’t looking at traveling or relocating my family out of my own pocket. With those caveats, not so much.

It really comes down to Tim’s philosophy as expressed on a past TANcast: if you’re going to give me a million dollars to have your way with me, you pay for my travel.

I think I’m going to ask for a fuck-ton and see what they do.

The most compelling TANcast ever! This episode features casual blasphemy, abortion debate, and a frank discussion about religious choice. Then it devolves in to the usual TANtopics like Star Trek, Pulp Fiction, having kids, Hypocritical politicians, Shutter Island, Alice in Wonderland, the Academy Awards, Disney animation, movies based on Saturday Night Live Skits, and Chatroulette.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Naxo, Todd, and Mike.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

TANcast Facebook Fan Page
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-TANcast/242741254466?ref=ts

Homeward (Star Trek Episode about Worf’s Brother)
http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/Homeward_%28episode%29

Pen Pals (Star Trek Episode where Data responds to a frightened alien)
http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/Pen_Pals_%28episode%29

Symbiosis (Star Trek Episode wit the two codependent planets)
http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/Symbiosis_%28episode%29

Cat Crime Scene Photo
http://failblog.org/2010/03/05/around-the-interwebs-20/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+failblog+%28The+FAIL+Blog+-+Fail+Pictures+%26+Videos+at+Failblog.ORG%29&utm_content=Google+Reader

Jedi “kick”
http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Jedi-Kick.gif

Homeless Man Under House Arrest
http://www.break.com/pictures/logic-fail1765238.html

Chat Roulette
http://chatroulette.com/

Noah’s Link to “Large Ass Titties” Or is it? (Do you dare to click?)
http://www.holytaco.com/large-ass-titties

Comedian Ryan Stout
http://ryanstout.com/

Tim Babb on Creepy KOFY Movie Time (Thanks, Bob)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzMuL_kA0q8

Tim Blogs Every Day In March
http://tancast.com/2010/03/01/tim-babbs-march-blog-madness/

Some of you may have noticed that the new episode of TANcast is not up yet. You also may have noticed I haven’t blogged yet today. (It is technically after midnight here but not in Hawaii…so I’m counting this blog)

I’ve just been swamped and I’m still getting over my sickness (actually the cough seems worse), so I don’t want to push myself late into another night. I’m gonna go to bed now and hopefully I’ll be feeling better when I awake. Then I’ll finish editing what is turning out to be a truly above average episode…and for TANcast, above average is our “excellent.”

Not to over hype the episode…in fact it’s mediocre at best. You’re better off waiting for it. Maybe you’ll find happiness in the meantime. Ok…off to bed. Night night.

First off…sorry folks this week’s episode is a ways off I am busy and a little sick and the former is making the latter worse. I swear it will be worth the wait. (I’m quite proud of Noah and Andy on this week’s show)

But last night was Oscar night!!! As your intrepid Hollywood reported (who just drove by the Kodak Theater moments ago…several sloooooow moving moments ago), I know you give a shit what I thought. So here goes…

Actually I’m amazed that I HAVE an opinion! I haven’t seen most of the nominated films (Hence I was rooting for “Up”). For some reason I was rooting against Avatar. I dunno why. I haven’t seen it. Kevin Smith seemed to like it. Andy and Noah seemed to have at least enjoyed it. Part of is it that I don’t like James Cameron. Anyone who breaks it off with Sarah Connor is an idiot of the highest sort. Then, I guess, part of it is the hype. I was over this movie before it came out. I was just inundated with how this movie was going to “change movies forever.” Then the previews looked not as good as the average Pixar movie.

And Sandra Bullock…hell yes! Winning a Razzie and an Oscar in the same year. The first actor to do it. I just have always liked her since she ran over the baby carriage in Speed. I haven’t seen the movie she won for…and there’s no guarantee that I ever will. But, you go Sandra!!! Hell yeah!

I won’t go through the rest of the catagorys but I will say that Star Trek is officially an “Academy Award winning movie!” w00t! Suck it, Transformers!

Also people have been complaining on Twitter that Michael Jackson was mentioned in the look back at people who died in 2009, but Farrah Fawcett wasn’t. Ok…I get with you being hurt with them leaving Farrah out…she wasn’t a “movie star,” she was a television actress for the most part, but she DID do some movies. But I’m not down with these people who are saying Michael didn’t belong on that real. He has contributed to film in a number of ways. Aside from playing one of the leads in the Wiz, he had a small part in Men in Black 2, he performed the themes to Free Willy, Free Willy 2 and the immortal “Ben.” Not to mention that his music videos were considered to be “short films” by many. Just look at the talent he had behind the camera: John Landis, Martin Scorcesse, John Singleton, and OF course George Lucas and Francs Ford Copilla for a little 3D adventure playing in Disneyland RIGHT NOW! I for one was glad they gave Michael a brief mention. But I AM sorry they skipped Farrah…and also Wayne Alwyne (The voice of Mickey Mouse) May all or lost favorites rest in peace and may we carry our love for there work with us no matter who is a fuck stick and tries to ignore/shit on them.

…ok…no time to spell check this train wreck. I gotta go. Kisses!!!

If you don’t follow me on Twitter or Facebook, then you missed this post:

“Wow! We are accidentally recording a really interesting TANcast!”

We were half way through recording this week’s show and I was really enjoying listening to Andy and Noah go back and forth. I truly think it was one of our most interesting shows.

But then after that we fell into our normal crap and Noah sent us a link to this picture:

I wanted to give those of you who read TANcast.com a jump on the folks who only listen to the podcast. Now when we mention this on the show you’ll already know about it.

…and knowing is half the battle!

Sometimes when you’re doing comedy, and everything is going right it feels like pure magic! The other night was not one of those times. It was one of those nights where the crowd was really thin, no one was really getting laughs, and the show seemed to be dragging on.

Then this one guy got up and started complaining about the room and and about the situation. Look buddy, we know it sucks. We don’t need you to remind us and make us feel like it’s our fault. Just do your jokes and get off stage so this train wreck can be over. Unfortunately the douchebag on stage couldn’t hear me say any of this…because it was me.

I don’t know why I became the thing I hate but it wasn’t even very fulfilling. It didn’t feel good while I was doing it and I didn’t feel good during or after. I felt like I was being an ass and then I felt bad for being an ass.

So I guess my message is: don’t become the thing you hate…it’s not worth it.

Since yesterday I wrote and anti-republican blog (Technically, it was anti-PALIN blog. That’s an important distinction in my eyes) today I’d like to write a little something more pro-republican.

Last Friday on Real Time with Bill Maher, there were two liberals and one conservative on the panel (plus Bill, who leans far more liberal than not). They liberals kept attacking the conservative for things he wasn’t saying. He was making some interesting points, but they seemed to ignore them and move on to bashing what they wanted to bash anyway. I realize this is a comedy show, but I think the conservative cracked the door open for an interesting debate…but the liberals just wanted to say what was bad about other conservatives.

I hate that crap. C’mon people, do we really have to keep this “us” vs “them” thing going on in politics? Look, you like tax breaks and I like government programs…neither one of us hates this country. Our political representatives are going to continue to be shooting the other party’s ideas down on principle unless we say, “Hey fuck sticks, enough of this ‘my way or the highway’ bullshit. You have a vision for the country, they have a vision for the country…figure out a way to reconcile the two in a compromise and fucking GET SHIT DONE!!! All this arguing and flag humping is not making me any safer, getting my kids better educated, or getting my job back.”

“Also…stop fucking cheating on your wives! Sweet bastard! Keep it in your fucking pants, asshole! You realize any helpful message you might have about the state of the country will be drowned out by screams of “ADULTERER!!!”

I’m Tim Babb and I approve this message.

Ok…I was annoyed when she implied that there was a “real” America and, by implication an unreal America.

I was disappointed in the way she misrepresented the health care debate.

It rolled my eyes when she quit her governorship half way through her term.

But THIS is too far…she was on Jay Leno’s second night of his ill-gotten Tonight Show where she proceeded to try her hand at stand-up comedy. FUCK THAT!

First off, do NOT take focus away from the fact that Jay Leno stole the Tonight Show away from a more deserving host again. This stunt is getting his show talked about and that is not what we need.

Second, I’ve been a stand up for almost 8 years..I would LOVE that spot on the Tonight Show! (Yes, even with Jay Leno hosting…it’s called being a hypocrite…look in to it…oh wait, she has) Don’t pay some desperate comedy writers a bunch of money to write you some jokes and then pawn it off on us like you’re now a stand-up comedian while I’m schlepping my ass around in the rain, driving an hour and a half to do 10 minutes at an open mic in the middle of Pickyournose, Nowhere!

Lastly, you CLEARLY have no sense of humor! That is obvious based on your reactions to the David Letterman joke, the Family Guy Episode, even Saturday Night Live. I’m pretty sure a sense of humor is a basic requirement to being a stand up comic (all evidence from Larry the Cable Guy, not withstanding)

So stay the fuck out of stand up, Palin. Write THAT on your hand so you remember it, whore. Do you want ME to come to where YOU work and make bone headed governmental decisions? I didn’t think so.

Oh and Mr. Leno, if you’d like to book me for an appearance on your show, I can be reached at tim@tancast.com (Hypocrisy: It’s not just for politicians anymore!)

Sorry, this is a short one because I’m sick! I hardly ever get sick and I hate it. Not that anyone LIKES being sick, but it sucks. I have crap I wanna do but I know I’ll make myself worse if I try.

Screw you, cold! Eat NyQuil and die!!!

In 1986, a trifecta of awesome was bestowed upon young Tim Babb. Someone decided to combine the “Star Wars guy” (George Lucas) with Michael Jackson and do it in Disneyland. In doing so, they caused my young brain to melt with sheer joy. It was a 17 minute 3-D movie called Captain EO…and it’s back!!!

I went on last weekend to behold the glory and I was, indeed, transported back to my youth. But there was one thing I wasn’t expecting…I do not remember Angelica Houston’s character being kinda hot.

Maybe it’s because she’s part black and part white (I can relate to THAT). Maybe it’s because being raised on Star Trek makes me predisposed to be attracted to aliens (and she looks a little like the Borg Queen from Star Trek: First Contact)…but when watching her this time I was like, “Well HELLO, Supreme Leader! YOU can infect MY world with YOUR presence anytime. Snoogans!” I mean she comes with her own “play time” suspension rig. What more could you ask for?

PS-Happy 10th Anniversary, Melanie! You’re doin’ it!

Before getting to their count down of their “High 5″ list of movie themes, the TANboys start with a “tribute” to Andrew Koenig, then Noah shares another “Cooking by the Book” recipe, Tim reviews Captain EO, the boys indulge in some literal toilet humor, and Tim once again talks shit about the Now Playing Podcast.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Alissa and EJ.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Batman: Dead End
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hjp0I_okX0w

Halloween Costume Fail
http://failblog.org/2010/02/28/costume-fail-3/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+failblog+%28The+FAIL+Blog+-+Fail+Pictures+%26+Videos+at+Failblog.ORG%29

Noah’s Cinnamon Pancake Recipe
http://thepioneerwoman.com/tasty-kitchen/recipes/breakfastbrunch/pancakeswaffles/cinnamon-bun-pancakes/

Noah’s Cinnamon Pancake Recipe with Pictures of Every Step
http://thepioneerwoman.com/tasty-kitchen-blog/2010/02/a-tasty-recipe-cinnamon-bun-pancakes/

TANnasty Women’s Raglan Hoodie
http://www.cafepress.com/TANcast.421385870

Doug Benson’s Podcast “I Love Movies”
http://ilovemovies.blip.tv/rss

Noah’s Funny Photobomb
http://thisisphotobomb.com/2010/02/28/photobomb-that-guy-ill-be-right-there/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ThisIsPhotobomb+%28This+is+Photobomb%29

Thunder Thighs at WalMart
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?p=10136

Requiem for a Dream Theme
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7vF8zGeljA

Star Trek V Theme
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msK3jSkx3VE

Star Trek II Theme
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sofU3EMa4xc

True Romance Theme
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Du0NSnJnoEY

Casino Royale Theme
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1H-0P7fYgdA

Monorail The Movie Trailer (Kingdom Comedy Video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAAB0kY_-CY

Okay…TANcast.com has been a little lacking on the blogs in the last few months, well that will change in March! Picking up where I left off in September’s “30 Days and 30 Blogs,” I will be blogging once a day in the month of March. For those of you keeping count, March has 31 days! That’s a whole other level of commitment, baby!
What can you expect during Tim Babb’s March Blog Madness?
-Spelling errors
-Factual inaccuracies
-Bad puns
-Irrelevant subject matter
-a laugh or two (Not a guarantee)

So check back everyday in March and tell your friends to witness the train wreck that is Tim Babb’s inner thoughts.

Somehow, after the past two rounds, Possible Douche 1 and Possible Douche 2 are chatting again. Let’s see who “wins” this round…

**Possible Douche 1 starts a chat with Possible Douche 2

Possible Douche 1
When’s the next time you’re going to the park?

Possible Douche 2
Today or tomorrow.

Possible Douche 1
Oh cool! We should say hi!

Possible Douche 2
“Hi”
done lol

Possible Douche 1
wow…you’re hella rude. K bye

Possible Douche 2
Did you mean to say “hella funny?”

Possible Douche 1
nope

Possible Douche 2
I’m pretty sure you did

Possible Douche 1
‘Cause that was definitely not one of your funny moments

Possible Douche 2
Hmmmm I respectfully disagree

Possible Douche 1
Ok…that’s fine

**at this point all communication from Possible Douche 1 stops abruptly

And it looks like Possible Douche 1 may be retiring from the game. PD1 will be missed. (not really) That is one sensitive douche!

The boys revisit Kevin Smith’s Southwest troubles, Tim gets a “new” car, Andy works hard, the boys do 6 degrees of hot women from Firefly to Mad Men to V, Noah sings the praises of jail breaking iPhones, Noah’s “Cooking By The Book” segment makes it’s triumphant return, Tim talks shit about the Now Playing podcast, and the boys bask in the wisdom of Mr. T.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Dave in the Ellie and Todd.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Kevin Smith’s Videos About Southwest
http://smodcast.com/finalwords/

Christina Hendricks From Firefly/Madmen
http://i.imgur.com/EWhvE.jpg

Hot Disney Princesses
http://www.smashinglists.com/10-hottest-disney-princesses-look-alike-models/

Dragon Slayers 2 Game
http://www.addictinggames.com/dragonslayers2.html

Noah’s Chicken Sauté Wraps Recipe
http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=686192&adsqs=raid:1661709

Noah’s Beef Tenderloin Recipe
http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=1842333

No A Team cameo for Mr. T
http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2007/05/24/mr-t-nixes-a-team-movie-cameo/

See why I love Disney? They got your back!

The Boys review We Are the World 25 for Haiti, Tim and Noah see Kevin Smith at Macworld, snow makes stupid driver’s near Andy’s house, Tim reviews Ovo from Cirque du Soleil, you’ll view the “Hollywood” audition process through Tim’s eyes, the boys talk about the tragedy at the Olympics, and they talk about Kevin Smith’s experience with Southwest Airlines.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Dave in the UK, Todd, and Nate.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

We Are The World for Haiti Donation Site:
http://World25.org

Carmen’s Comedy Club Website
http://www.carmenscomedyclub.com/

Knowyourmeme.com
http://knowyourmeme.com/

Anna Torv (The Lady from Fringe) Topless
http://www.esquire.com/women/women-we-love/anna-torv-nude-0310#img

Tim asks Kevin Smith a Question at Macworld
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_vSSw2UBOY

8 Romantic Songs You Didn’t Know Were About Rape
http://www.cracked.com/article_18431_8-romantic-songs-you-didnt-know-were-about-rape.html

Noah’s Link About Masturbating That Tim STILL Hasn’t Watched
(Suck it, Noah!)
http://vimeo.com/860821

People Bailing Out OF Car as it Goes Down Slick Street
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3sTc5LzwPM

Car Pinball
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWT1pY1mVlY

Tim’s Stolen Hat Story
http://tancast.com/2010/02/12/no-so-great-moments-at-mr-lincoln/

“I’m In Miami, Bitch” by LMFAO
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KExUay52tI

Kevin Smith Thrown Off Southwest Flight for Being Fat
http://cbs13.com/local/kevin.smith.southwest.2.1493836.html

Kevin Smith’s “Look How Fat I Am” Pic
http://twitpic.com/1340gw

SModcast About the Southwest Incident
http://www.smodcast.com/smodcast/smodcast106.php

But is THIS truly the way to honor what this great man stood for:

In this episode: For Valentine’s Day, the TANboys tell the tales of how they met their wives as well as some wacky dating stories.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Nick, Joe Anthrax, and Todd.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Louis CK at Sundance 2010 — Worst Joke Ever
http://www.atlantamagazine.com/blogs/inappropriate/blogentry.aspx?BlogEntryID=10092865

Yes, that Jenny McCarthy.

Someone on television (perhaps Daniel Tosh) had poked gentle fun at her, implying, as I recall, that she only looks sane by virtue of standing next to Jim Carrey all the time.

Perhaps I have that backwards. It’s not important.

The argument boils down to this: I saw Jenny McCarthy on TV and, almost reflexively, expressed my opinion of her as follows (this is verbatim): “Fuck Jenny McCarthy!”

My wife came to the ex-Playmate’s cause, chastising me for not understanding the nuances of a mother’s guilt and fears when it comes to the health of her offspring. Her essential point, as I understand it, is that a mother, facing the horror of a child whose life will be difficult at best, may be forgiven for grasping at straws, seeking solace in some explanation which may allow her to forgive herself by providing an outside culprit.

I explained that I can understand that sort of irrational guilt; the blame we heap upon ourselves for uncontrollable events can become a person’s hell. Accepting her argument, basically that we all go a little mad sometimes, I nevertheless responded:“Fuck Jenny McCarthy!”

Allow me to elaborate.

She is a leading voice of anti-vaccination idiocy on this side of the Atlantic, trading on her star power to try to convince the easily-frightened sheeple, watching whatever irresponsible news/talk show that decided she was an important voice in the debate, that vaccines caused her baby’s autism.

Her own complete lack of medical or scientific knowledge, and in fact her lack of any supporting evidence beyond her earnest claims that “she just knows”, apparently pose no barrier to her, so on she goes spewing her dangerous, anti-intellectual, anti-fact activism.

Or, more succinctly:“Fuck Jenny McCarthy!”

My poor wife forgot an important fact. I’m always fucking right.

In this episode: Andy and Noah discuss the iPad ad nauseum, Tim and Noah review Book of Eli, Andy gets pranked at the office, Tim gives up on “24,” and the boys never get around to this week’s “High 5″ …oops!

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by EJ and Alissa.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Hitler Has Something To Say About the iPad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQnT0zp8Ya4

Matt Damon’s iPad (Good Will Hunting Re-Edit)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0rgjV9Y6jA

Corn Chips from Around the World
http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/redeye/2010/01/national-corn-chip-day-fritos-doritos.html

In this episode: The boys circle back to the classic Superman debate, make fun of racists, review the new season of 24 thus far, discuss Conan’s exit from the Tonight Show, and make a polite request on behalf of Mysterious Andy.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Jason and Alissa.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Taco Bell Breakfast Article
http://fastfood.freedomblogging.com/2009/12/11/a-closer-look-at-taco-bells-new-breakfast-menu/45179/

News Article: How a Superman Rescued me from a Date-Rape Horror”
http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/153596/How-a-Superman-rescued-me-from-date-rape-horror-

News Article: Rape drug mum saved by Superman
http://www.wigantoday.net/wigannews/Rape-drug-mum-saved-by.5990589.jp

Pic of Robert Randolph
http://www.blogcdn.com/www.bloggingneworleans.com/media/2006/05/Robert-Randolph-450.jpg

Michael Ian Black’s (actual) (unfunny) Thoughts About the Conan Thing
http://www.michaelianblack.net/blog/2010/01/norma-rae.html

Andy’s Blog About Wishing to Remain Anonymous
http://tancast.com/2010/01/25/pay-no-attention-to-that-monkey-behind-the-curtain/

Cop Out Trailer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAqej4v6WCc

Please don’t out me.

If you know me, you know what sort of jobs I do and you probably understand why I don’t want Google to connect real me to TANcast me in any way, shape, or form. Office environments tend to frown on the sort of loose talk and questionable content we enjoy throwing at passers-by (à la feces) and employers know how to search the Internet.

If you’re a listener/reader who doesn’t know me personally, I’ll elaborate a little.

I like food. I like for my family to have food. I need to earn money to buy said food. TANcast costs me money to keep running (not nearly as much as food costs), so I also need to earn money to make TANcast go. I also like porn, but porn is free with the price of Internet.

Corporate America sucks in a lot of ways. It may not hire you if you say things like “I also like porn” in public, and, rest assured, everything on the Internet is public. I once found topless pictures of someone I knew in High School on the Internet. That was weird.

The way I reconcile being unfiltered on TANcast, thus making TANcast as much fun as it is for you guys (i.e. a little), with maintaining my professional persona is that I keep the two “me”s separate. It’s a thin veneer, more self-delusion than firewall, but it lets me feel okay with doing the shit I do here.

Those who know me personally are now thinking to themselves, “Self, doesn’t Andy curse a lot in real life, too? Doesn’t he say weird shit to coworkers to make them laugh?”

Yes, guilty as charged. But there’s a world of difference between letting the guard down a little among people you work with and being judged by people you might work with. Unless I stay at my current job for the rest of my life (Magic 8-Ball says: “Un-fucking-likely”), that’s going to matter at some point.

I’ve poked fun at this in the past, but it seems like more and more people are trying to connect the dots so I wanted to be sincere for one tiny moment.

I’m not Mysterious Andy because I’m doing a bit or running a scavenger hunt or trying to be a real-life Where’s Waldo.

I’m the monkey because I don’t think I can responsibly be the man.

So again: Please don’t try to find me or link me or friend me or out me. It’s not that I don’t like you guys. I just feel I need to keep this part of my life confined to TANcast and related, pseudonymous accounts.

Y’know, so my family can continue to buy porn.

I mean food.

In this episode: The TANboys discuss the Conan/Leno/NBC train wreck, Tim’s Pictionary Misadventures, and why Minnesota is too cold for anyone and close things out with a run down of their “High 5″ Places to Eat Out.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Logan and Mike.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Haiti Relief Links

Red Cross

The Bill Clinton and George W. Bush Haiti Fund

Stillerstrong (Ben Stiller’s Haiti Charity mentioned on Conan’s show)

Tim’s Show on Jan 23rd, 2010

Other Show Links

Tim’s 1st Blog on the Conan/Leno/NBC thing
http://tancast.com/2010/01/13/a-truly-uninformed-opinion-on-the-conanleno-thing/

Tim’s 2nd Blog on the Conan/Leno/NBC thing
http://tancast.com/2010/01/16/nbc-tells-team-coco-to-f-off/

Kimmel Destroys Leno on his own show
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axwO6BkCtIo

Picture of Woman with a bunch of Flies on her Crack
http://i.imgur.com/DAONU.jpg

Political Map that “Gives Andy Hope”
http://i.imgur.com/Zh0yK.jpg

Guy With One Really Muscular Arm
http://www.totalprosports.com/2009/10/matthias-schlitte-is-a-modern-day-popeye/

There were technical problems during the recording process, there was the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, and now I have screwed up several times in the editing process. Episode 83 will be uploaded as soon as possible. Thanks for your patience.

In the meantime, please sTANd by…

According to a headline on thewrap.com: “It’s Over! NBC to Pay Conan $30M”

I feel bad for everyone in this situation…except NBC. They really screwed the pooch. They should have let Conan walk 5 years ago or they should let Jay go now, but don’t screw with the Tonight Show like this and then try and act like it’s either Conan or Jay’s fault that their ratings suffered. You made the choice to split the audiences and now you’re enjoying the lack of ratings because of it.

If I were Jay, I’d bow out gracefully. You went out number 1 on the Tonight Show. Don’t come back to it just to milk it. Let Conan succeed or fail on his own. I mean I know it sucks you were pushed out and ten set up to fail and now they’re making you out to be the bad guy…but you have a chance to prove you’re the good guy you’re rumored to be if you bow out now.

I hope Conan is able to go back to the airwaves soon…and it sucks for his staff that he uprooted from New York to come out to LA. I mean Conan will be fine but I’m sure most of the folks on the staff aren’t getting 30 million out of this. It might be hard for them.

NBC, lick my nuts!

First of all, does it strike anyone else that this happens so soon after Comcast buys NBC/Universal? They weren’t content with fucking up our TV viewing experience in the delivery…they wanted to fuck it up at the source!

So, from where I sit (which is, admittedly, a position that makes me just as uninformed as the next asshole) this just sucks for everyone. But what I mainly see is a lot of blow back hostility directed at Jay Leno. Now I know not a lot of the “cool kids” are down with Jay Leno but I feel he is to late night what Larry the Cable Guy is to stand up…he’s not on the edge doing the things that no one’s done before, he’s serving a large niche and serving it extremely well.

Leno was number 1 when he was forced to retire 5 years ago and he was #1 the day he went off the air. You can’t blame him for wanting to stick around, he did the job he was supposed to do and got pushed out for it.

Please don’t take this to mean I’m on “Team Leno” (as if being on any “team” makes a difference). Conan earned his shot and he deserves the chance to make it work. I’m on “Team Fuck NBC.” They are trying to have their cake and eat it too and it just doesn’t work. You can’t have both Jay AND Conan. There can be only one rooster in this hen house (or peacock, I guess). Choose one and let the other go.

In this episode: The TANboys (eventually) run down their Top 5 TV Theme Songs. Plus Noah presents another installment of his “Cooking By The Book” feature.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Mike and Jason.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

People Jump Out of Car (from last week…updated link)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3sTc5LzwPM

Car Pinball
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWT1pY1mVlY

Sad Trombone

http://www.sadtrombone.com/

TANcast Facebook Fanpage
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-TANcast/242741254466?ref=ts

CNN’s List of Celebrities Lost in 2009

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/12/22/celebrity.passages.2009/index.html

Mario Rescues Princess Seth MacFarlane Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghZ_dkxOwEY#t=00m55s

Let Me Google That For You
http://lmgtfy.com/

Comedian Rob Paravonian talks about the Friends theme (and Sugar Ray)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0S8wBNoiv90

Music Video of Tim and Andy’s High School Choir
[Link removed]

Noah’s Recipe for this Week
http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=232620&adsqs=raid:1695472

From Tim: Wanna do the top 5 tv themes tonite?

Noah agreed right away, but then Andy sent this…

From Andy: ?? Like Top 5 Theme Songs?

I thought for a minute there must be a typo in my original text so I went back and looked. Other than my shorthand spelling of tonight, the text did indeed communicate the message I had intended. So I offered up the only reply I could…

From Tim: Um…yes

So I get back this…

From Andy: I’m on Sudafed and low sleep and (I’m) at work. I wasn’t sure I recalled what we’d talked about.

Ok this is a perfectly good excuse if I had texted him, “Wanna do that thing we talked about on the show last week?” THAT question is super vague and needs clarification. But does “top 5 tv themes” really have ANY other meaning? What else could a tv theme be? Type in “tv theme” into Google and all you get is references to songs…

But Andy’s brain doesn’t work like Google…

Now I turn it over to you, the reader…what do YOU think Andy thought I could have meant besides tv theme songs?

On this, the Twelfth Day of (Actual) Christmas (a.k.a. Epiphany), I’ll record for the ages what I took:

On the Twelfth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady a Snickers bar left over from Halloween.

On the Eleventh Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady two unmatched socks and a Snickers bar left over from Halloween.

On the Tenth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady three hairs from her brush, two unmatched socks, etc.

On the Ninth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady four pairs of chones, three hairs from her brush, etc., etc.

On the Eighth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady five Kellogg’s Corn Pops, four pairs of chones, etc., etc., etc.

On the Seventh Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady six hours of her life, five Kellogg’s Corn Pops, etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the Sixth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady seven AA batteries, six hours of her life, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the Fifth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady eight chocolate sprinkles, seven AA batteries, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the Fourth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady nine Belated Christmas cards, eight chocolate sprinkles, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the Third Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady ten toenail clippings, nine Belated Christmas cards, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the Second Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady eleven blank CDs, ten toenail clippings, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the First Day of Reverse-Christmas (a.k.a.: Christmas) I took from my old lady twelve anatomically correct gingerbread men, eleven blank CDs, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

I now have a metaphorical ton of AA batteries, which is not to be confused with a metric ton(ne). I plan to use them to power the robot I made from the rest of that shit. I’m also keeping the 42 hours of her life, since I may need it in 20-30 years.

Only 342(-ish?) days left to decide what you will steal from your true love next Reverse-Christmas, so you best get cracking!

Feel free to use the comments to exchange Reverse-Christmas plans, recipes (they should involve picking food apart), etc.

In this episode: A TANholiday re-cap, Tim and Noah’s NYE Game night, Andy vs his In-Laws, and the boys bid farewell to the Scene Unseen podcast by reviewing Avatar (Andy and Noah have seen it, Tim has not). (Warning: TWO Star Trek moments in this week’s episode…yipes!)

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Kris (with a “HEEY”) and Gary.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Princess Edamame’s TANbingo Card
http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/TANbingo.jpg

Andy’s Urban Dictionary Word
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=schlipping%20mah%20fronecks&defid=4410435

Graph of Printer Ink Cost
http://consumerist.com/2009/12/hp-ink-costs-more-than-human-blood.html

Random Hawtness Chick
http://hawtness.com/2009/12/18/wtf-girl-photo-yes-pose-in-your-awesome-costume-next-to-a-trash-can/

Guy Throws His Bike at a Robber
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqdZFuGt1I4

Jumping Out of Car and Sliding on Ice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3sTc5LzwPM

Captain Picard reviews Twilight
http://18.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kuvgoxX1P21qa4f9oo1_500.jpg

The TANcast Store (In case you missed the link above)
http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

Today is the day! Reviews are already going up (because you people are fucking AWESOME). But if some of you forgot, here is your reminder: go write us an iTunes review before midnight tonight!

Here’s the link:

http://www.itunes.com/podcast?id=282610708

This week’s episode is all YOUR fault because it’s all listener suggested topics: School chums named Erin, nipple bleeding, dream cars, upcoming movies, how the boys came to live at the TANhouse, top 5 favorite songs of the TANboys, phobias, weight loss, and doing DP with your wife.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Spread the word about TANcast iTunes Review Day (Dec 30)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YcNfptCX1c

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Mike, Luke, and Nick!
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

SHOW LINKS!!!

Article on Tim written by Erin
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8985143/Dissed-Weekly-Issue-2-December-15-2008

A Collection of Bloody Nipple Photos
http://www.flickr.com/photos/dorkmaster/galleries/72157622268037051/#photo_130437233

Andy’s Not Safe For Bathroom Mishap Link
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=120921191&CJAID=10409403&CJPID=3727850

For those of you who aren’t aware, here’s the back story. Mary is pregnant with Jesus. She and her husband, Joseph, are traveling and trying to find a place to stay. I’m not sure why they didn’t head for a hospital since she was due to have the kid any minute…I guess their Obama-care hadn’t kicked in yet do so they were still with Kaiser. And we all know Kaiser’s plan for child birth, “Figure it out yourself fuckhole, it’s $90 a month…you don’t pay us enough to care.”

So Mary and Joseph happen upon an inn. They go ring the bell, or whatever they did to get the innkeeper’s attention in those days and they explain their situation and the innkeeper says, “There’s no room at the inn…you can stay in the barn though.”

Instantly he’s vilified as the bastard who couldn’t help out a pregnant lady. I think someone should come to this dude’s defense. So here are 5 reasons the Innkeeper is not a douchebag.

1. He Had No Idea Who These People Were
OK..if some strange couple who showed up in the middle of the night, are you just gonna let them in with no questions asked? NO!!! That has scam written all over it. I’ve seen waaaaaaaaay to many episodes of CSI, Law & Order, or Criminal Minds that start out just like that.

2. He Wasn’t a Christian
You may be tempted to argue that these aren’t random strangers…it’s friggin’ Mary and Joseph! Well, smart ass, Jesus isn’t born yet (thus the point of this story). The Innkeeper hasn’t even heard of Christianity much less the players in it’s origin story. If Albert Einstein’s parents showed up at your door circa March 13, 1879, would YOU recognize them? Didn’t think so.

3. Timing is Everything
Have you ever tried to get a last minute hotel room? It’s a huge pain in the butt! Of course there’s no room. It’s Christmas eve! Everybody is traveling somewhere to be with family. Jut poor planning on Joe and Mary’s part.

4. He Threw Them A Bone
While he didn’t have a room for them, he let them stay in the stable…or barn…or whatever the “proper” term is. While I’m sure it’s not super fun to have a baby next to stinky cow shit…it’s better than out in the snow. A white Christmas wouldn’t seem so great if you had to give birth outdoors. Do I hear a “thank you” to the innkeeper? No? Douches.

5. The Innkeeper Doesn’t Exist
No, devout believer, I am not saying the Bible isn’t real. I’m not even saying this part of the story was made up. I am actually saying that the word “inn” is a mistranslation.

“The word translated as “inn” is the word kataluma, which is used elsewhere by Luke and translated as “guest chamber” or “upper room” (Luke 22:11; cf. Mark 14:14). When Luke wants to speak of a paid establishment (i.e., an inn), he uses a different Greek word, pandocheion, as in the story of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:34).” [source]

So basically it wasn’t an inn…it was some dude’s house!

“Hey can me and my preggo wife crash on your couch tonight?”

That makes number 1 even MORE applicable. Look I’m sorry pregnant ladies, but if you show up at my door in the middle of the night, you’re not getting in. Especially since it’s not likely that you’re carrying the savior of mankind in your belly…I believe the Anti-Christ is the next one due to arrive. Go screw yourself, lady! Have your devil baby in the rain!

It is simply this:

I hate black people.

There! I’ve been wanting to say that out loud for a while now.

To be clear, there aren’t all that many that I hate and they certainly are not as numerous as the white people I hate (those fuckers are legion), so here’s wishing all the black people I don’t hate a festive Kwanzaa and a Happy New Year.

PS: See what I did up there? I used ambiguous language to have some fun. Ain’t I a stinker?

PPS: I’d just like to remind everyone that the best way to spot a counterfeit is to touch it. A fake may look convincing, but you would be surprised what your fingers can tell you that your eyes may have missed. This holds true for twenties and titties.

Tim and Andy get finicky about food, Tim gets paranoid about X-mas presents, the boys wax nostalgic about video games, the boys discuss Christmas decor, the comedy of Brian Scolaro touches off an interesting thought experiment, Noah tries to understand the logic of SModcast, Tim is an insensitive douche, the boys trend dangerously close to racism, and Noah finds a shoe worse than Crocs.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Spread the word about TANcast iTunes Review Day (Dec 30)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YcNfptCX1c

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Brian and Jo
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

Oh God YOU Devil on Warner Bros. DVD
http://www.amazon.com/God-You-Devil-George-Burns/dp/B0006J28LY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1261333396&sr=8-1

Stuff You Should Know Totem Pole Episode
http://podcast.com/episode/47087626/68331/

Comedian Brian Scolaro’s Website
http://www.brianscolaro.com/

Cop Grabs Dude’s Junk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wf6QAvuEVw

Huge Monitor in Office
http://gizmodo.com/5428870/42-office-monitor-is-as-good-for-your-eyes-as-it-is-for-your-privacy?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:%20gizmodo/full%20%28Gizmodo%29&utm_content=Google%20Reader

Barefoot Shoes…Worse Than Crocs
http://greenupgrader.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/my-bare-feet-vibram-five-fingers-review.jpg

So thank you to all of you who’ve told a friend to listen and thank you to all of you who are someone’s friend and decided to listen.

…and also thank you to Disneyland for bringing back Captain EO in February of next year WOOO HOOOO!!!!

So much to be thankful for…where’s Thanksgiving when you need it?

Then you take it home and put it in the freezer for a week and six days.

When you take it out and it thaws, does it still expire the next day or did you buy yourself an extra 13 days with your milk?

Geoff returns to the show (by popular demand) and the boys talk about poop (naturally), raising babies, working at Google, video games (Arkham Asylum 2, Left 4 Dead, & Modern Warfare), but then they get distracted by “hawtness.”

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Jairo and Jose
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)
Cougar Cruise

http://i.imgur.com/eg2kJ.jpg

TANcast iTunes Review Day Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YcNfptCX1c

Arkham Asylum 2 Teaser
http://www.gametrailers.com/video/batman-arkham-spike-tv/59829

Star Trek Chick2
http://hawtness.com/2009/11/24/wtf-girl-photo-science-officers-are-the-sexiest-part-of-the-federation/

Recipe for Batida
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cocktails_with_cacha%C3%A7a#Batida_.28Shaken.29

Spider-woman
http://hawtness.com/2009/11/06/wtf-girl-photo-spiderwoman-is-doing-the-crab-walk/

Girl Getting Fit Doing Some Wii Bowling (NSFW)
http://hawtness.com/2009/12/04/wtf-girl-photo-wii-bowling-bowling-in-the-comfort-of-your-own-home/

Whip Cream Bathing Suit
http://hawtness.com/2009/12/03/wtf-girl-photo-dont-eat-that-it-looks-like-shaving-cream/

Girl Eating “Cock Cake” (NSFW)
http://hawtness.com/2009/10/23/wtf-girl-photo-is-that-cake-cream-filled-ba-zing/

Princess Leia Pillow Fight
http://hawtness.com/2009/11/30/wtf-girl-photo-behold-the-ultimate-nerd-wet-dream/

Girl With Water Shooting Up Her Butt (NSFW)
http://hawtness.com/2009/10/13/wtf-girl-photo-look-at-the-water-babies/

Trapped in the Butt Cage
http://hawtness.com/2009/11/27/wtf-girl-photo-you-are-trapped-in-the-butt-cage/

Duct Tape Bikini
http://hawtness.com/2009/10/12/wtf-girl-photo-when-i-run-out-of-underwear-i-usually-do-laundry/

“This is Odd” (Devil Tongue Chick)
http://hawtness.com/2009/08/15/wtf-girl-photo-the-source-of-all-hotness/

“So is This” (Dog Licking Girls Boob)
http://hawtness.com/2009/11/18/wtf-girl-photo-think-she-stuffed-her-bra-with-snausages/

Congressman Tells Cheney to STFU
http://rawstory.com/2009/12/alan-die-quickly-grayson-tells-cheney-stfu/

That’s just not fair. Jessica Rabbit has humongous boobs!

Snow White has…well…she has a great personality!

I just can’t imagine why they made these two room mates. This has got to be killing Snow’s self esteem. She’s going to snap and kill Jessica in her sleep and then stuff her ginormous toon globes down the front of her dress like some weird, animated version of Buffalo Bill!

And it’s not like they’re even being subtle about it…

It’s just adding insult to injury to put “bust” under Snow White’s picture. Hang in there, Snow. Breasts aren’t everything. Don’t let Jessica’s Toon-a-licious rack intimidate you. You do your own thing, girlfriend!

This week brings lying scales, gross hotel rooms, celebrity gossip, used cars, HIV, Universal Studios fail, sitcoms without laugh tracks, and some great advice for winter.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by EJ, Gary, “The Mystery Listener,” and Mousetalgia’s Kristen
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Weird Dude on a Bike
http://i.imgur.com/PZaUa.jpg

Sofia Vergara in a Bikini (NSFW site)
http://www.egotastic.com/image?path=0912/sofia-vergara-bikini-1-02.jpg&info=Sofia%20Vergara%20Bikini%20Pictures

Sofia Vergara’s visible face (NSFW site)
http://www.egotastic.com/image?path=0912/sofia-vergara-bikini-1-03.jpg&info=Sofia%20Vergara%20Bikini%20Pictures

Comedian (And all around cool guy) Jerry Brandt
http://www.myspace.com/comedianjerrybrandt

Even the trailer is horrible! I know we complain a lot that the trailer “shows the whole movie,” but this one totally did. Step by step to what is assuredly the ending! It is obvious to anyone who has ever seen a movie before that she will accept her boyfriend’s proposal, then break it off at the last second to get together with the douche who drove her across Europe for the sole purpose of proposing to her boyfriend.

This is an annoying staple of these “chick flicks” the girl is with a guy but then breaks it off at the last second to be with some other guy. (Sleepless in Seattle, Sweet Home Alabama, Runaway Bride, Titanic, the Wedding Planner, the Wedding Singer, etc). I love this message. “Hey ladies, no matter how close you are to marriage, feel free to ditch the guy who loves you and has been with you all this time at the last second because you met a new guy.”

Kill yourself, Hollywood!

In another fail-filled episode, Tim spends Thanksgiving in Disneyland, Andy meets a coked up stripper, Noah learns some lessons from his November fast, Noah reviews Ninja Assassin, Tim gets annoyed by bad parents, Andy ponders the psychology of D.P. porn, and finally the wheels come off as usual. (FYI- alternate titles considered for this episode were, “Hate It Forward,” “A Tiny Taste of the Zeitgeist,” “The Tim Flu,” and “Noah Somehow Makes it Gay.” Did we make the right choice?)

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Brian and Bryce
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

“Sorry Girls..I’m Taken” shirt at Disneyland
http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/Prince-Charming-Im-Taken-Shirt.jpg

Google “These Nuts”
http://www.google.com/#hl=en&source=hp&q=these+nuts&aq=1&aqi=g10&oq=these+n&fp=6b22d27f49a5e7dd

Noah’s Recipe
http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=1120354

Alissa’s Crocs
http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/Alyssas-Crocs.jpg

Tim’s “twin”
http://twitpic.com/rf5ca

Andy on a Plane
http://failblog.org/2009/11/25/seating-comfort-fail/

Kitty on Slide
http://i.imgur.com/FvtQv.gif

Twilight Moms
http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs51/f/2009/329/a/6/Twilight_Moms_by_InLoveWitEdwardC.jpg

It reminds me of how I and the other TANlads could always tell whether we’d played Grand Theft Auto 3 or Grand Theft Auto: Vice City more recently by whether or not we wanted to steal police cars. In GTA 3 those things had great handling and could take a ton of damage, but in GTA:VC they drove like top-heavy boats.

Then there was Spider-Man 2 on the Xbox and Tim pretending to web-sling and swing through the house and down the halls at his old job.

Maybe that’s the hallmark of a good sandbox game: the degree to which you get mindfucked by it…

PS: 10 TANpoints to the first comment that knows where this post’s title comes from. Don’t be lazy and Google for it. The points are completely worthless.

This week, Noah joins Twitter, Andy slams the Darwin Awards movie, Tim visits the Walt Disney Family Museum, the boys play “Guess her Muff” (those two really shouldn’t have followed each other), Noah presents another installment of his “Cooking By The Book” feature, Tim and Noah get into a stupid argument, and Andy reviews the season finale of South Park.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Dave and Mike (maybe?)
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Guess Her Muff (NSFW)
http://guesshermuff.blogspot.com/

Tim Binds His Hands in Duct Tape (video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eonebCGXTQ

Back in round 1, Possible Douche 1 knew the secret hiding spots of two stopped clocks in Disneyland and wouldn’t tell Possible Douche #2 (or the rest of the members of the Disney chat board they were on). One was revealed to be in Sleeping Beauty Castle…but Possible Douche 1 refused to reveal the location of the other clock. Then Possible Douche 2 deliberately wasted Possible Douche 1’s time claiming to have other information Possible Douche 1 was seeking.

And now, Round 2!

**This round begins during an IM conversation!…

Possible Douche 1
I went to Disneyland for 4 days AND I FEEL FINNNNNNNNNNE

Possible Douche 2
Nice. Did you ever solve your little clock mystery?

Possible Douche 1
No. We got on the boat, but cause we got picked to be part of the parade thing (princess and the frog), we totally forgot. There were a couple things we wanted to do and that was one of them.

Possible Douche 2
The second one is on the Mark Twain?

Possible Douche 1
Oh shit! =X LOL I slipped! bwahahahahahaha

Possible Douche 2
I WIN!!! Ha hah ahahahahahahahahaha ahhahahahahahhaha

Possible Douche 1
Shit! I cant believe myself right now. I especially wasn’t gonna tell you ’cause u were bein’ mean!

Possible Douche 2
You started it…and I finished it!

Possible Douche 1
Nope. You still don’t know where

Possible Douche 2
Go Possible Douche 2, Go Possible Douche 2, it’s your birthday!

Possible Douche 1
Ok…I’ll ask you another mystery…Do you agree that everything Disney does has a reason? Usually not just some random decor. It always means something.

Possible Douche 2
Nope

Possible Douche 1
No?

Possible Douche 2
In fact “Hidden mickeys” started off as something people saw not something that was intended.

Possible Douche 1
…eh. I’ve heard both. But anyways…at the front of the line for Space Mountain and in the Pizza Port area they have those big planter boxes. And there’s these huge eggs in there…like big glass rock egg things…wtf are they?! I wonder if they are something from the old attractions. Totally weird.

Possible Douche 2
Something they found at Michael’s craft store and said “Fuck it use those and we’ll punch out for the day” lol

Possible Douche 1
nooooooooooo

Possible Douche 2
Is it the clock in the Captains living quarters?

Possible Douche 1
What…oh…on the boat. Maybe…I’m not tellin.’ You gotta look.

Possible Douche 2
I’m done with you. I have no desire to look I just wanna know

Possible Douche 1
psh…See? So mean!

Possible Douche 2
No, not mean. Mean is to raise the issue and not tell me.

Possible Douche 1
So if I told you, would you wanna go look?

Possible Douche 2
Yeah ’cause I’d know right where to go and I could go look…as opposed to wasting my time searching the ship like I’m a CSI trying to solve a case.

Possible Douche 1
You do have like 20 min on it.

Possible Douche 2
Yeah I’d rather be watching the scenery as opposed to sniffing around the bowels of the ship.

Possible Douche 1
Oh hush. You have been on it a million times.

Possible Douche 2
Yes…because I like the scenery

Possible Douche 1
OMG…I can ask you…my memory is failing me. Is the cabin on the Rivers of America still burning or is that ancient?

Possible Douche 2
You should go look!

Possible Douche 1
I hate you.

Possible Douche 2
How is that different?

Possible Douche 1
Its not a secret.

Possible Douche 2
Apparently it is

Possible Douche 1
No, I just have a shitty memory. It’s like, “Is space mountain still a ride?”

Possible Douche 2
If you don’t know, it’s a secret to you.

Possible Douche 1
I’m never coming to any of your shows again!

Possible Douche 2
Well I’m not going to tell you where they are. It’s a secret. shhhhhhhhhh

Possible Douche 1
pssssssh I got 4 people to come last time. Hecka nice…and you are hecka mean!

Possible Douche 2
I am hecka loveable

Possible Douche 1
You used to be.

Possible Douche 2
You have it hecka backwards.

Possible Douche 1
Nope

Possible Douche 2
Yup…so…where on the ship? lol

Possible Douche 1
So I see that its not burning anymore…but why?

Possible Douche 2
THAT’S a secret

Possible Douche 1
Ok 1 guess though…is it…ummm…whats it called…a pc change?

Possible Douche 2
Oh…it’s not a secret that I know. That’s why I assume it’s a secret. I don’t think it’s PC though because the narration used to be a waring about what “man does when he doesn’t respect the environment”

Possible Douche 1
hmm

Possible Douche 2
Victory is sweet
**Possible Douche 2 posts the following picture

Possible Douche 1
You got it. But now…why is it stopped on that time? Same with the castle clock?

Possible Douche 2
But I found another picture of it at another time

Possible Douche 1
Seriously?

Possible Douche 2
Looks to be about 4:20 (Snoogans)
**Possible Douche 2 posts the following picture

Possible Douche 1
OMG ASSHOLE STONERS!!!!! that is so fucked up!

Possible Douche 2
That is such BS! You have to ask the captain for special permission to even go in that room. I never would have found it just by “looking”

Possible Douche 1
hehehe… sorry

Possible Douche 2
THAT is mean!

**At this point Possible Douche 2 posts both pictures on the message board that Possible Douche 1 specifically told him in round one not to post them on.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!!!

Winner = Possible Douche 2
Possible Douche 2 = Tim “Douching it up” Babb

Suck it!!!

This week, Tim revisits the eternal million dollar question, the boys discuss Body Mass Index (BMI), Tim and Noah have the great Pizza debate, Tim and Andy make fun of contestants on game shows, Tim bemoans the mediocrity of the “CSI Trilogy” (Plus The Mentalist, House, and Fringe), Tim and Andy hate on Star Trek: Voyager, Andy tells a “had to be there story,” and the show ends as it should…as it must…with talk of poop.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Todd and Jo
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

BMI Index Chart
http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/

Justin Timberlake Googly Eyes Commercial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGWCtuRBfo0

Justin Timberlake Speed Reader Commercial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cONRdBIFXA

The Pizza Poll
http://tancast.com/2009/11/16/the-great-pizza-debate/

Family Feud “September”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUt7oJFPW9U

Family Feud “Turkey”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2AWKfMvDtw

(Lesbian?) Goth Wedding – AKA Women, Don’t Shave The Front Of Your Heads
http://thechive.com/2009/08/i-want-my-goth-wedding-to-be-just-like-this-15-photos/

Elf Flash Mob in NYC
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvw3H3LUQwQ

Worst Places to Fart
http://www.listafterlist.com/tabid/57/listid/14400/Fun++Games/Worst+Places+to+Fart.aspx

Voyager’s Shuttle Craft Problem (NERD ALERT…for true geeks only!)
http://www.ex-astris-scientia.org/inconsistencies/inconsistencies-voy.htm

Vote with your heart (or your stomach) and stay tuned for episode 74 to see who’s side you’re on!

So unless you actually have the brain of a beauty pageant queen, you know that the question was not at all inappropriate. She really just didn’t want to admit that the lawsuits were about money and fame more than some ethical position. She didn’t have a good answer, so she jumped straight into offended mode.

Well, Miss Prejean, if you’d like to be offended here are 5 questions Larry SHOULD have asked you:

1) If the wind “blew open your top” in these photos…why isn’t your hair blown about as well?

2) Is Sarah Palin your hero because George W. Bush was too intellectual for you?

3) I know you come from a conservative family, but don’t you think your mother is coming closer and closer to changing her views on abortion every time you open your idiot mouth?

4) I refuse to believe you’ve even READ a book much less written one…who really wrote that piece of shit you’re trying to hock on my show like it’s QVC?

5) C’mon…admit it, you’re a lesbian aren’t you? Sarah Palin isn’t your “hero,” she’s who you think about when you diddle yourself on video, am I right?

This week the wheels fall off several times over as the boys talk about the latest follies of Miss “Opposite Marriage” California, Twilight, Tim’s showering phobia, acronyms, rape jokes (sorry), gaming systems, a sweet Amazon offer that it is too late for you to take advantage of, Noah’s “diet,” the evils of Wal Mart, and this ends with daddy’s shame.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Pat and Jose
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Noah’s Random Mostly Naked Girl of the Week

http://gorillamask.net/gm_media.php?show_page=gallery&show_fullsize=15777&page_id=26794

Jon Stewart’s Impression of Glen Beck on the Daily Show
http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-november-5-2009/the-11-3-project

People of Walmart
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

You might not be able to see why I’m posting this blog…lets zoom in a little.

Um…for those of you who don’t live around here, Portland is about 1,000 miles away from Knott’s Berry Farm.

“Hey honey, as long as we’re here in Portland, we might as well drive 15 hours to see Knott’s Berry Farm.”

This week the boys talk about ever man’s favorite part of Halloween (the slutty costumes), Tim and Noah review some fast food, the boys have fun with pets, Andy reviews “Eye for an Eye,” the boys revisit the magic of a million dollars, Tim talks about putting his love life in his act, Noah introduces his new feature: “Cooking By The Book” and he tells you how to make Beer Margaritas, and Tim goes back to college.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Eric and Jo
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Sexy Halloween Costume Cleavage Collection
http://coedmagazine.com/2009/10/19/sexy-halloween-costume-cleavage-collection-108-photos/

Andy’s Favorite “Costume”
http://coedmagazine.com/2009/10/19/sexy-halloween-cleavage-gallery/halloween-cleavage-46/

Tim’s Favorite “Costume”
http://coedmagazine.com/2009/10/19/sexy-halloween-cleavage-gallery/halloween-cleavage-85/

Ladies in Halloween Body Paint (from last week’s show)
http://coedmagazine.com/2009/09/28/sexy-halloween-costume-less-2009-120-body-paint-photos/

Why You Should Hide The Remote From Your Girlfriend
http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1608745

Jazz Getting Thrown Out From Fresh Prince of Bel Air
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvJeATp31dw

Comedian W. Kamau Bell’s Website (Tell him Tim Babb and TANcast say “hi”)
http://www.wkamaubell.com/

Vampire/Zombie/Frankenstein/Jesus thing
http://i.imgur.com/EKWDE.gif

Why Tim Loves the day after Halloween on Facebook/MySpace
http://photos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-sf2p/v356/163/77/1514543799/n1514543799_30041305_2747.jpg
http://photos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-sf2p/v356/163/77/1514543799/n1514543799_30041299_7756.jpg

Info on how to Book Tim Babb for your college
http://h2f.net/h2fnew/index.php?pg=talentdetail_page&id=01493c5fbd38495

Crocs and Snuggie in Walmat
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?p=5909

I have recently gone to the theater to see “Michael Jackson’s This Is It.” It was a great movie. Not in the way that Casablanca was a great movie, but in the way that it was a chance to spend a final 2 hours with MJ watching him do what he did best: sing and dance.

I don’t think there’s another artist alive or dead that I would sit down and watch almost 2 hours of them. Not to take anything away from the Beatles or Elvis or Sinatra, but after a couple songs, I’m full. But this movie could have gone on longer and I would have still been on board.

What’s great is it doesn’t try to be super over emotional/sentimental like “he’s dead and you should be sad.” It just shows the footage of him going through the songs that you loved. Seeing him tweaking things and planning. I thought it was very interesting and also a chance to watch him perform one last time.

It is a shame that the This Is It tour will never happen. He/they put a lot into that show. It’s not like he was just gonna put on his glove and fedora and moonwalk for a few songs and collect a check…he was putting on A SHOW!!! Cirque du MJ, if you will.

And that leads me to my “Tough Decision.” Last year it was rumored that the reason the Las Vegas Hilton removed the Star Trek Experience was to make room for a Michal Jackson stage. At the time, I was quite irritated about this (as long time listeners of the show are probably already aware).

But as I sat there and watched the fantastic things that they were creating to augment the talent of Michael, I am forced to reconcile whether it was a worthy replacement to the Star Trek Experience. I would have loved to have seen that show. It MIGHT have been worth giving up The Experience to see.

…sadly. Now I get neither.

This week the boys celebrate Halloween, figure out what they would do for a million dollars, and find the worst way to be welcomed into manhood. Tim meets Gino, Noah and Tim review Law Abiding Citizen, Noah sees An American Werewolf in London, the boys discuss Facebook, Glee doesn’t know what “Mash-ups” are, Tim hates on Comcast, and Andy gets sick.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Check out Stephen’s Haunted Holiday on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgXYq5LQkIM) and Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/HauntedHoliday). See it for yourself on Topaz Street in Redwood City on October 31st!

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Jo and Jose.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Scariest YouTube Video ever
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9ZMHhNaM0E

Women in Bodypaint Halloween Costumes
http://coedmagazine.com/2009/09/28/sexy-halloween-costume-less-2009-120-body-paint-photos/

Rebecca Romijn as Mystique
http://coedmagazine.com/2009/09/28/halloween-bodypaint-babes-gallery/halloween-bodypaint-39/

Mother approving of topless Daughter
http://coedmagazine.com/2009/09/28/halloween-bodypaint-babes-gallery/halloween-bodypaint-74/

Lady Gaga/Somebody’s Watching Me Mash Up
http://mashupfacts.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/mash2mix-somebody-is-watching-me-dance1.mp3

Reporter Goes Ghetto Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWulZOKANB4

Tim’s Updated Facebook status (Copied from this Twitter post)
http://twitter.com/TimBabbComedian/status/5128210639

Google Maps Can’t Find Andy’s Street
http://tancast.com/2009/10/22/google-maps-now-with-extra-stupid/

I owe you all a lot of posts. I’m throwing this up first because the clock is ticking. I’ll punch myself in the nuts once I’m done.

2D Boy, the insane geniuses behind World of Goo, are having a sale. You have one day to get this game for whatever price you want to pay for it.

If you are a cheap bastard, pay a penny and make baby Jeebus (and PayPal) cry. If you can spare $5, pay that. If you like number sequences, pay $3.14 or $12.34 or $24.68.

This is a crazy, well-writen, fascinating, physics-based puzzle game. It’s available on every PC platform. There is no DRM or other dickishness attached, which might explain why it’s one of the most pirated games out there.

So go legit if you have a warez copy. Buy a copy cheap if you are just plain curious. Donate a ton of money if you feel like supporting small developers.

Whatever you do, do it by October 25.

* – Okay, technically, the sale’s been going on since October 13 and they extended it though this Sunday, but I’ve had a busy week and didn’t notice.

I don’t know how it happened or when, but somebody hit Google Maps with a big ol’ Stupid Stick. Suddenly dozens of streets (including the one I live on) display the wrong name and most points of interest seem to be at least several hundred yards away from their actual location.

As an example, Google currently labels “Glenridge Pl. NE” in Atlanta, GA as “Johnson Ferry Rd. NE”, which is a nearby thoroughfare. If they haven’t fixed the problem by the time you read this, you can compare Google Maps to Yahoo! Maps and Bing Maps (previously called Windows Live Local, Windows Live Maps, and Live Search Maps, because Microsoft believes in brand confusion). If you look a little to the northeast, you’ll find a point of interest label for a Macy’s in the middle of a parking lot, though that’s less egregious than others I’ve seen.

Oddly, Google even seems to know it’s wrong. If you search for an existing address Google will still drop a pin on the correct street, even if that pin is right beside a street label that contradicts it.

We’ve all ceded control over “truth” to Google and Wikipedia, so maybe I should just give up and start using my new street name…

I was shopping at the mall today and found some jeans built just how I likes my mens:

Loose and Straight

That’s right. I likes my mens made by Levi’s and on sale for half off. Big whoop! Wanna fight about it?

One day, probably a Friday, while at Double D’s Sports Grille in Los Gatos, CA with Tim and Noah I got my hands on some crayons and a paper placemat. I proceeded to draw the punchline for the joke “What is green and red and goes 100 mph?” on said paper, because I am an idiot man-child.

When asked “What the hell is that?” I responded by writing the words “A cool, refreshing Frogarita!” under the picture.

This piece of infantile art and bit of juvenile humor started a quest to create an actual Frogarita. I succeeded because I am awesome, and also because I made up the rules for success and therefore had an excellent chance. I do touch the rule-maker’s penis from time to time.

What? (or for those who can’t see the interrobang, “What!”)

You succeed your way and I’ll succeed my way. Don’t come complaining to me because you’re less successful, crying about how I set my bar really low. Just because I successfully didn’t shit my pants yesterday (I also didn’t drink a Frogarita yesterday, and yes those are related stories), don’t try to claim that your failure to hike the entire Appalachian Trail because of a blizzard in Vermont means anything other than I am more successful than you.

At any rate (crybaby), enjoy the sweet taste (and booze) of my success.

The Frogarita

Yes, I drew this. In crayon. At a restaurant.

1. Get together some decent vodka, Midori, pineapple or orange juice (I suggest pineapple), a 3 oz packet of Cherry Jell-O (not sugar-free), some small paper cups, a blender, and, optionally, some Amaretto.
2. If the ingredients don’t spontaneously combine to make a Frogarita because you don’t live in a Disney castle, put the vodka in the freezer to chill and the Midori, juice, and optional Amaretto into the refrigerator to cool.
3. Once the liquor is cold, boil 1 cup of water and stir in the 3 oz Jell-O packet until it is dissolved.
4. Fix the Jell-O by combining with 1 cup of cold liquid. If you want a standard Jell-O shot, use about 5 oz of vodka and 3 oz of cold water. If you want more alcoholic pop, use 1 full cup of chilled vodka and no water. If you want the Jell-O to taste more like maraschino cherries, use 3/4 cup of Amaretto and 1/4 cup of cold water (or vodka!).
5. Pour the cooling mixture into the small paper cups. You just made about 2 cups of liquid, so you do the math on how many cups you need. You’ll only need about a quarter of the Jell-O, so plan on leftovers.
6. Put the cups in the refrigerator to set. This takes 2-4 hours, so have a White Russian Shake in the meantime.
7. When the Jell-O is ready, mix 1/2 cup of vodka, 1/2 cup of Midori, 1.5 cups of juice, and 1.5 cups of ice (add ice until the level hits 4 cups) in the blender.
8. Blend until all the ice is broken up and the mixture is slushy.
9. Drop about 1/2 cup of Jell-O shots into the blender and carefully pulse the blender to turn the Jell-O into smaller chunks (like boba tea). If you want a gorier effect, use a full cup of Jell-O.
10. Pour and enjoy. You can split this into 2 drinks that are about equal to 3 shots each and share with a friend, or drink the whole pitcher yourself and see what happens.

Yes, this is just a frozen Mellon Ball with Jell-O shot bits. Doesn’t mean I’m not awesome.

This week Tim and Noah record in the same room…and an awkward echo ensues. Sorry ’bout that. Tim and Noah debate fitness, Andy and Noah talk downloadable content for video games,
discuss the past and future of Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan Character, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back gets edited for television, babies get hit by cars, boys mess with balloons, Noah reviews Whip It, then things go wrong and hopefully you can laugh AT us if not WITH us.

This week’s Tanlaugh was sent in by Melanie.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Hillary Duff’s “That’s So Gay” commercial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVicCD8FmMs

How to Make Shake Shack Burger at Home
http://consumerist.com/5383509/how-to-make-the-shake-shack-burger-at-home

White Men in Black Face Perform As Jackson Five, Harry Connick Jr. Outrage
http://newsblaze.com/story/20091015092302reye.nb/topstory.html

Baby Gets Hit By Train (and lives)
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/10/16/miracle-baby-is-run-over-by-train-and-survives-watch-the-video-115875-21751492/

“Cute as 2 Buttons” or “2 Hedgehog Testicles”
http://old.imgur.com/4pSeS.jpg

Reasons Not to Listen to TANcast Videos
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BO5BE8iXCpY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPNnxin2n80
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuSWHlvNQL4

Daily Show Segment About Govt. Anti-Rape Bill
http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-october-14-2009/rape-nuts

I think I’ve been clear on my feelings towards attention-starved media whores.

On October 15th, the world waited for a little boy to pop out of a balloon his pseudo-scientist (oops, the polite term is “amateur scientist”) father built, or else for him to die horribly so we could all shake our heads and say “what a shame”, then resume searching the web for celebrity porn tapes. It turned out mostly okay.

Late that night, Wolf Blitzer, in his best imitation of Larry King, missed the little boy apparently giving away that the whole situation was a hoax (check out the 40s mark).

I was entirely unsurprised. Maybe it is because I assume people who have been on Wife Swap are attention whores. Maybe it is because I paid attention to Mythbusters. Or to Aesop.

Now the local authorities have begun investigations, and it seems Richard will have some ’splaining to do.

This is the story I’ve been looking forward to; the one where the asshole who wasted time and taxpayer money gets what’s coming.

I had a stupid idea, but what the hell, TANcast is a stupid place. Maybe it’s even unique. I certainly haven’t found it documented anywhere yet, despite my attempts to find any mention.

At any rate, if I thunk it up I get to name it and until I hear otherwise I’m calling it Brainf*ck Chess. It’s pronounced “Brainfuck Chess”, but I’m spelling it with an asterisk so people can print the name in semi-polite company.

The rules are as simple as they are (currently) poorly defined: This is standard chess, but the players switch sides. The colors still act in turn throughout the match, so the same person makes the move prior to and the move after each change of side.

I haven’t made up my mind how often this happens, and I suspect that I (or someone a lot better at chess) would need to play some actual games before making an informed decision on how this variant would work best. I’ve kicked around having white and black trade places after every fourth move (two per side), every tenth move (five per side), or every capture.

The first option seems like it might be too spastic, since players would make a lot of back-to-back moves. Any sort of “scheduled trade” rule allows the bookending player to, say, make a purposefully bad play as white and then immediately take advantage of it as black. The more frequent the swaps the more you’d presumably see this exploited.

The “swap on capture” idea has an interesting logic to it, but leads to the possibility of one player repeatedly capturing pieces of alternating color, thus monopolizing play. I’m not convinced this is a bad thing.

Checkmate still wins, stalemates are still draws, and all other normal rules apply.

Now I just need to figure out which makes the more compelling game. The last full chess match I played was years ago and I was drunk at the time, so don’t hold your breath.

I exist in some netherworld where most fellow non-players assume I’ll kick their asses and thus don’t want to play me, while I’m not too keen on getting my ass kicked by regular players. I think it just feels like I’d be trading in bits of my overinflated ego for a skill I don’t need.

I just don’t run in chessy circles…

Blah blah, late post, socked nuts…

I’ve been trying to locate a copy of a short story (~5000 words, I think) originally created for an English class back in 1998. I called it Paranoia, and it was essentially the diary of a madman.

Thanks to Hotmail’s old “log in regularly or your email archive goes away” policy, my 4 subsequent moves, and possible lending to an ex-girlfriend along the way I’m not even sure a copy still exists in the world except the general structure and some details that live on in my melon.

I’d probably be embarrassed to read it now anyways. I’m not saying 32 year-old Andy is a better writer than 21 year-old Andy, just that 32 year-old Andy is probably better at recognizing shit writing. I have read Digital Fortress in the meantime, after all.

Still, there’s a little voice in the back of my head that tells me I should rework Paranoia and see if I can get published in some shitty little dead-tree magazine. The reasons are complex.

My mom read it a decade ago and called to ask if I was feeling alright and if I should maybe talk to somebody.

My dad read it and immediately offered suggestions on polish and pacing.

There was a frustrated novelist locked somewhere behind his wall of self-doubt; big ideas he never quite finished, beautiful stories he never quite sold. I found a bunch of his ideas and work after he passed, and it reminded me of how alike we were in just about every way.

He didn’t see Paranoia as a cry for help. I wrote a weird little story and he understood it. I wanted to create something and I wanted others to experience what I had made. I wanted to mindfuck the world.

He got that. I think he saw something of himself in it.

He wanted to tell the tale of a stubborn garden worm that refused to bend in spite of all logic and reason. I think it was my favorite children’s story, and I think 2 children in the world have had it read to them.

I’ve had a lot of interesting ideas pop into my head. I have notes and scraps and the best intentions. I also have a thousand other things that I can distract myself with, a distaste for the grind of typing for hours and hours, and probably every drop of insecurity that used to run through my father’s veins.

I don’t know if I’ll ever find Paranoia in its original form, and I’m certain my dad’s notes on it are gone for all time.

If it’s lost, though, I’ll rebuild it.

Before the end of the year you guys are going to be subjected to something heinous.

At first I thought, “Geez! That kid is still the lead story. You people suck.” But then…something in that picture caught my eye which actually made me click on the story. When you see the photo full size, you’ll understand…

Yup that’s a six year old boy bending over and creepy old dude with a mustache taking a picture of his ass. WTF?!

Really, Yahoo? You thought this encapsulated the story the best? This just begins a whole new story? What’s wrong with that man? Is anyone going to stop him? Can this possibly be legal?

Perhaps this photo DOES answer the question of why little Falcon told his brother to tell everyone he was on that balloon.

“If he thinks I’m dead maybe he’ll stop trying to take pictures of my butt. Run brother! Tell the world I am floating in a balloon.”

“They will see right through that. There’s no way that balloon could hold your weight.”

“Damn it man I’m desperate! Do this for me!”

“Ok, brother…farewell!”

The following is an open letter to the National Rifle Association, inspired the events of this morning.

Dear Pieces of Shit at the NRA:

I received a call today on behalf of your organization from (703) 656-9940. I’m uncertain whether I spoke to one of your paid staffers, a volunteer, or an agency you contracted, but regardless I am very clear on what the dishonest little turd was trying to accomplish.

Slathering the call with a thin veneer of legitimacy by couching it as a “one-question opinion poll”, your minion tried to drum up some sort of outrage (and presumably monetary support) by asking me whether I agreed with “the outrageous United Nations plan to ban guns in the United States”.

I was about as polite to that stupid cow as I am being to you right now. I have no patience for push polls and no respect for the sort of garbage that would resort to using them.

Let me take a moment here to elucidate you on where I am coming from: I am in favor of sensible gun laws (registration and licensing, manufacturing quality requirements, etc.) and am against bans on handguns, rifles, or any other reasonable personal-use firearm. I am of that feared breed of moderate that can neither be dismissed as an “idiot gun-hating liberal” nor co-opted by reactionary rhetoric. I do not fear the United States government any more or less than I fear its individual citizens.

I am obviously not a member of the National Rifle Association, and even if I had been this morning I certainly would not be this evening. They say you can judge a man by the company he keeps, and I have no interest in aligning myself with fear-mongers and liars.

Your supposed poll was transparent in it’s goals. No honest person interested in an honest answer would ever use a word like “outrageous” in the question. In fact, trying to couch this as research is a direct insult to my intelligence.

Further, your implied claim is insane on its face. I’m not a political scientist, but it only takes a rudimentary understanding of our country to realize that the United States cannot enter into a treaty that violates our Constitution. It is the very foundation of the country is and the basis upon which all subsequent laws are judged.

But this is far worse than just being insulting or idiotic.

You encourage the weak-minded to believe that Clinton, Obama, the UN, or some other bogeyman of the moment is conspiring to take their guns, to followed quickly by the rest of their freedoms and liberties, leading to a descent into totalitarian control and Nazism.

You also spend about half your “charity” budget on raising more funds and paying staffers (including a nice chunk of change for your CEO), so I really have to question your motives.

Either you feed these fears and fantasies to keep the lucre rolling in or else you actually believe the Second Amendment is under constant attack and only you can defend it from the liberal and/or foreign horde waiting in the shadows. The former would mean your dishonesty is born of greed; the latter means it stems from lunacy. In either case, you are a shining example of what is wrong with political discourse in this country.

You probably see this misleading, manipulative behavior as necessary for the greater good and justified by your manifest righteousness. On the contrary, your willingness to engage in these behaviors outs you as despicable people. Anyone who feels that the ends justify whatever actions they take is the enemy of our democracy.

From the “armed-and-dangerously-unbalanced” behavior I’ve seen at demonstrations, town hall meetings, and soccer games in recent months, it seems a certain element of our society has bought in to your message. Contrary to claims, these individuals are clearly carrying and brandishing weapons at these emotionally-charged events because they feel afraid and powerless and they want others to feel afraid, too. This isn’t a patriotic display of their own Second Amendment rights, it is an attempt to abrogate through intimidation the First Amendment rights of anyone who disagrees with them.

You feed them that fear.

I tried to tell your drone exactly how your “poll” was deceptive, but she was having none of it. I wish I could meet her, though, so I could call her “scum” to her face.

On an up note (for me, not you), this was actually my third call from the NRA in the last week and the first that wasn’t dead-air on answer. In case you weren’t aware, telemarketing calls that don’t present a recording or agent within seconds are an FCC violation, so in addition to telling your representative what kind of person she was and venting my spleen in this post I also got to engage in a favorite hobby: report the asshole to the FCC.

They’ll probably never fine you. You do spend a shit-ton on lobbying after all.

You’ll probably never see this letter, and if you do I expect you will dismiss me, being convinced, as I said, of your own righteousness.

On the off chance you made it this far, let me close with a heartfelt…

Fuck You!

I just wanted to share with you all something I said to my then-not-yet-wife one evening in early December 2005:

Pink Meatstick of Death …

Pink Meatstick of DEATH !!!

Yeah, she didn’t get it either.

Yeah, yeah, I know… This time it was a dick-punch.

Long, long ago, back when (or before?) some of you were actually in diapers, I did some development work (wait, didn’t I claim to have been a banker?) in C, C++, and Smalltalk. Recent career shifts got me back into programming by making me work with a Java-esque special-purpose language. I’ve also been trying to pick up and polish skills with PHP since that is the language that makes TANcast tick.

The recent events seem to have re-ignited my old interest in coding, so as I try to knock rust off of old knowledge and deal with the above I’ve also been starting to wade into Python and some Objective-C. I chose the former because, from all accounts, it is simple, sane, powerful, and Google loves it. Google is like the new IBM: nobody ever got fired for picking Google. I’m working on the latter because I regularly use a Mac for the first time since OS 8.1 was released.

All this résumé padding got me thinking: What else should I try to toss on that pile?

Then it hit me. I should join a high-IQ society. That won’t make me look egotistical or elitist, no sir. That may, in fact, be just the edge I need in this topsy-turvy economic climate!

I then spent at least 30 minutes trying to figure out just how high up the Ladder of Brainiacs my standardized test scores would entitle me to climb. The answer was enough to send me off on a new quest to figure out how to get old copies of my scores. Ego BOOST!

It didn’t take me long to figure out I’d wasted a ton of time internally bragging about how smart a test I took a decade and a half ago told me I was, rather than actually working on the skills I’d meant to attack in the first place.

I guess what I’m saying is that I am what you get when you stick a big brain in a lazy fucktard: lots of potential, but mediocre output…

… and I’m self-aware enough to know exactly how full of shit that makes me.

Yes, I socked myself in the right nut and then backdated this post to Sunday.

I finally watched Beowulf with the wife last night. In short, my impression was: Gaimam is a talented writer (and I guess so is Avery), Zemeckis still has a hard-on for creepy CGI, and I feel like I’ve seen parts of this someplace else.

The underlying idea Gaiman and Avery set up is that the epic poem is the product of an unreliable narrator. A proud, boastful warrior has sold history his own biography as tall tale, and his loyal friend/kinsman can’t bear to see past the myth to the flawed man beneath. This idea that the poem I read 15 or so years ago was a snow job was compelling, and the writers used it as a fulcrum to shift the entire story away from having a one-dimensional hero kill a few zero-dimensional enemies/monsters. Instead they offer up a story of human vices and shortcomings, temptations and regrets, and heroic deeds born of pride and shame.

The technical execution was, to my taste, a little less excellent. While Beowulf’s eyes weren’t as death-thing-creepy as the passengers on The Polar Express, computer-generated humans still have the waxy, bouncy look of corpses on wires. Mocap has come a long way, but you can still see Pinocchio’s strings. The fire effects looked great, but the generous quantities of moving, splashing, foaming water looked like a cross between mercury and sand. I know the water-air boundary is hard to model, but it’s the director’s responsibility to choose shots that downplay any technical deficiencies. In fairness, I’m not sure this movie could have been made live action without thousands of effects shots and double the budget, and Robert Zemeckis deserves some credit for pushing the state of the art forward every time he does one of these all-CGI extravaganzas.

The artistic execution was a mixed bag. The cast turned in some excellent performances, for the most part, with Brendan Gleeson, Crispin Glover, and Anthony Hopkins standing out especially. On the other hand, like many epic or period pieces before it the accents somehow devolved into “pick your own British-ish delivery and try to stick with it”. Hearing John Malkovich’s unique drawl and Anthony Hopkins’ Welsh (I think) accent when both were supposed to be Danes, or Ray Winstone’s Cockney (again, I think) and Brendan Gleeson’s Irish accents when they played related Geats was just distracting. At least Alexander, for all its flaws, stuck to Irish accents for all the Macedonians and more posh British accents for the Greeks.

Parts of the movie were touching, parts were exciting, parts were distracting, and a few action scenes seemed really familiar.

I’d do the movie a disservice if I leave you with the impression that 300 fucked God of War and had a Beowulf. It wasn’t great, but some of it was excellent and the whole was at least good.

I’d watch it again some time. Y’know… If I run out of porn or something.

Another show worth nominating for best “comedy” podcast at podcastawards.com! This week the boys talk about exactly what you think they’d talk about on the 69th episode…politics, culture, and religion (no kidding). They also manage to talk about being a bad husband, babies, weddings, My Secret Ex-Girlfriend, The Cleveland Show, the pros and cons of losing cable, the bliss of owning your own Star Trek uniform, and the dangers of the Banana Spider.

Nominate TANcast for best “Comedy” podcast at www.podcastawards.com

This week’s Tanlaugh was sent in by Todd.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Podcast Awards Nominating Suggestions
http://tancast.com/2009/10/05/its-an-honor-just-to-be-nominated/

Hidden Camera Prank Goes Wrong
http://www.break.com/index/hidden-camera-prank-goes-very-wrong.html

SNL’s Obama Doing Nothing Sketch
http://www.hulu.com/watch/99945/saturday-night-live-obama-address#s-p2-sr-i1

Family Sitting on Someone
http://kotaku.com/5377753/queens-blade-curvy-cosplaying-model-destroys-the-ante/gallery/

Scary Looking Woman
http://www.life.com/image/86145599/in-gallery/34652/is-she-really-going-out-with-him
http://www2.pictures.gi.zimbio.com/Welcome+America+Final+Night+George+W+Bush+3vhxaBE1Qgvl.jpg

Here are the links to the Ars Technica That Andy was talking about (no “link” sound for these…but if you heard the episode you’ll know what they are)
http://arstechnica.com/old/content/2008/11/dtv-transition-to-yesterday.ars
http://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/news/2009/10/fcc-boss-lack-of-spectrum-biggest-peril-to-mobile-wireless.ars

It’s hard damn work being as seriously epic as I am.

In size.

Around the waist.

It’s like the opposite of conditioning yourself for a marathon. I studiously avoid even casual levels of exertion. I vigilantly watch my diet, lest an errant green threaten to unclog arteries and intestines. I am especially careful to make sure to maximize cheese intake.

Any combination of cheeses will do: breaded mozzarella sticks dipped in marinara, blue cheese dressing poured over buffalo chicken strips, Parmesan piled high on garlic bread… I could go on and on. Most days I do.

The real secret to cheese, though, is the magic that happens when it hits hot metal. I don’t think anyone can argue that best part of a quesadilla isn’t the runoff around the edges that crisps into those bubbly fans of deliciousness. Overzealous pizza topping application nets little slivers of brown treats on the pan surface, and I dare you not to pick those off when nobody is looking.

One day when I was about 7 I had an epiphany: Cut out the middle man and just fry up some fucking CHEESE!

Fried Cheese

1. Get some cheese. Cheddar, Swiss, Co-Jack, it doesn’t matter. Pick and mix your favorites.
2. Warm up a frying pan.
3. Slice or grate the cheese.
4. Drop the cheese in the pan forming a layer about an eighth of an inch thick.
5. Wait for the cheese to liquefy and begin to bubble vigorously near the middle.
6. Using a pan-safe spatula, try to fold and flip the cheese mess.
7. As soon as the cheese clearly changes color remove the pan from heat.
8. Place the fried wad of cheese on a paper towel to cool and drain.

There will be a lot of popping cheese grease as you cook. Do not prepare this dish in the nude, no matter how sexy frying cheese makes you feel. There will be plenty of opportunity to smear the cheese grease over your naked self once it has cooled a bit.

Alternately, I find the cheese grease to make an excellent dipping sauce for the friend cheese and, when mixed with cheap vodka, a peerless apéritif. Suit yourselves.

This afternoon I was sitting at the computer, watching people with more active and interesting lives fail, when there was an unexpected friendly “shave-and-a-haircut” knock on my front door. I hopped up and, after a moment of frantic legs/pants battle and a quick check of my zipper, I waddled over, opened the door, …

… and almost fell into a porno.

You know those skin flicks where the pizza delivery guy shows up and the big-tittied housewife breathlessly says “Oh, but I didn’t order a pizza.” while the pizza guy makes single entendre references to his penis?

It was like those, but backwards. I was the big-tittied housewife.

Standing on my porch, grinning as if she knew me, was some 18-year-old (I hope) blonde piece of ass I’d never seen before. I married the last blonde to make the mistake of smiling at me, so I assumed that either I was in for a sales pitch or else she was a robot sent from the future to assassinate me.

Hmm. Assassinate has two “ass”-es and one “I”, just like the showdown at my front door where I had an ass and she had an ass. Also, when you capitalize “Assassinate”, one of the “ass”-es is bigger than the other which is also apropos. I need to lose weight is what I’m saying.

Anywho…

I stand there for a beat wondering why the hell Junior Miss Salesperson/Terminator was saying “Hi” like she knew me. Blondie fills in the gap with “I’m here to babysit… But I think I’ve got the wrong house.” Still smiling.

Big Pimpin’ Andy says: “No baby, this is the place. Why don’t you come on in and I’ll fix you a cocktail. My cock, your tail.”

It wasn't this girl...

Big Pimpin’ Andy lives somewhere else, though, so she probably didn’t hear him say it. Instead she hears Fat-Ass Married Andy say “Unless you know something I don’t, you probably do have the wrong house.”

I spend a moment longer trying to help her figure out which house number she was looking for (it was mine, oddly), then say goodbye.

As I close the door my wife calls down asking who was at the door. I tell her it was the babysitter she’d called and forgotten to tell me about.

Still stuck in my haze of porno-confusion, I get a sudden mental picture of my wife setting up the babysitter scenario to surprise me. This is awesome. She bounds downstairs in a nightie to ask the barely-legal girl for her references. Vaginal references. I don’t know what that means, but Daydreaming Andy doesn’t think in complete sentences and sometimes makes up words.Fat-Ass Married Andy starts to wonder why life isn’t more like all the porn he watches.

My reverie is interrupted by her calling down again: “Did you get her number?”

Wait. I’m allowed to do that now?

Awesome.

Wow…that was in my mouth…for years! It was yanked out this morning with not a lot of fanfare or fuss. For those who are interested in such things, I did not get “put under.” I didn’t even get any gas. I just got the same local you get when you’re getting a filling (something I have become all too familiar with)

But back to this tooth…or perhaps I should say this root with what’s left of what used to be a tooth…

Look how much has decayed away. That is what happens, kids, when you put off oral surgery for over 2 years. (after having put off the dentist for almost 10 years. I know I’ve had a problem with this tooth since I lived in the TANhouse..which would mean that was AT LEAST 2005. The tooth grew in at an angle that made flossing impossible, which led to decay, which lead to pieces of the tooth chipping off, which led to sharp tooth edges scraping against my cheek when I would chew, talk, yawn, or even do nothing. You would think I would hop on that problem right away. YOU wouldn’t think I’d let half a decade go by with my tooth rotting and scraping away inside my mouth…but that’s not how Tim Babb rolls, baby!

Well now the numbness is starting to wear off so I’m going to lie down and try not to focus on my throbbing skull. But let this be a warning to you all.: see your dentist regularly and take her/his advice!

I just got a fireproof, waterproof external hard drive from ioSafe. Given the recent spate of end-of-days weather and my bout of terminal heathenism, I thought it best to be prepared. If they had one that was frog-, blood-, locust-, lightning bolt-, and zombie army-proof I’d probably have paid for the upgrade.

The only problem with owning such an awesomely serious piece of hardware (I swear to Super Panda this thing weighs 25 lbs.) is that you only get to show off the coolest features during an emergency.

I don’t know if I mentioned this on TANcast before, but I used to make my own black powder. My final presentation in High School Chemistry cleared a lecture hall. I’ve burned all the hair off one of my arms. More than once.

Do you see what I’m getting at here? Do you see how there may be a certain compulsion I’m choking back?

(Burn it all down!)

Wait. What was that?

(Oh shit! He can hear us?)

Um, I think I need to go take a cold shower in a dark room and think of things burning. No, NOT burning! Not.

Ah well. If we lose the house at least I know our taxes, Junior’s baby pictures, and my porn collection will be safe.

I know I’ve played this tune before, but listen up, heathens: Daddy’s got something new for you to worship!

First some background, just in case you aren’t up to date on my drama:

I’ve recently been confronted with the uncomfortable fact of my own mortality and the realization that I might have 20-30 more years (tops) instead of the 40-50 I’d been planning for. As a friend pointed out this means I’m due for a mid-life crisis right about now.

I don’t fit in tiny little sports cars and my wife’s in her 20s so there’s no need to chase 20-something tail. That leaves me with “crisis of faith” or “binge drinking”, and as the son of an alcoholic son of an alcoholic the latter seems… ill-advised.

Crisis of faith it shall be!

Ahem! Ummmmmm. (cough) Aaaaaaaaah. Can you all hear me okay? Alright, here goes.

There is no God.

It’s weird to say that; almost like I’ve abandoned my childhood.

Still, it’s oddly freeing.

I’ve always been uncomfortable with the much-beloved (especially by the modern brand of fag-hating, GOP-worshiping, Ten-Commandments-should-be-stamped-everywhere, born-again evangelicals) idea of Santa God sitting up in cotton ball clouds handing out goodies to all the little homeschooled kids in modest prairie dress who pray extra super hard. It just bugged me, theologically speaking. Even so, I’ve gone through life with the semi-conscious belief that all good things are God’s Gift and all bad things are God’s Unknowable Plan.

When I stepped back and reevaluated myself, I realized that I haven’t seen a single thing that’s not more rationally explained by science and reason than by a supernatural being or process. Physics and biology get us from the Big Bang to the moment I type this just fine. You don’t need a spooky puppeteer, just math.

The wonder of my little boy’s birth is the outcome of millions of years of evolution shaping biological imperatives (me likey the sex!), thousands of years of human cultural development (existence of dedicated medical professionals), and hundreds of years of scientific advancements (steroids to help his lungs develop). It’s no less amazing just because I can understand and no less special when credit isn’t given to someone theoretical. My world is no less beautiful today than it was a year or a decade ago. I am no less ethical and no more of an asshole.

If there is nothing else, if we are all sacks of self-aware flesh, then real morality stems from these simple truths:

1. There is only this life, only this justice, only this chance to do right and good.
2. If we are all the same then nobody is superior to anyone else.
3. There are no “chosen people”, no “righteous few” whose actions are blessed by a higher power, just all of us meat puppets trying not to suffer.

I’m heading into dangerous waters, though. Atheists are mistrusted and discriminated against. Glenn Beck and others are accusing atheists of destroying America. I may have joked about becoming a member of an oppressed minority, but truth be told that’s a lot of drama.

Skimming the research, it seems it’s the actual lack of belief in a higher power that engenders the negative reactions. Even if my God hates your god, we can at least understand that it is because my God loves peanut butter and your god has a severe nut allergy. If Bob has no belief in a deity then he exists outside our understanding. How does he resolve the great Nut Question if he doesn’t believe that my God OR your god exists?

To steal a quote from my friend, every group of people everywhere at every point in time has felt the need to create a deity. There’s just something about us that feels the need to have something bigger than us.

So now we’ve come all the way back to the beginning of this post. I’ve created a supreme being.

I call it Super Panda.

A (non-Super) Panda

Super Panda has nothing to do with everyday life or the course of the universe.

Super Panda eats celestial bamboo in a place we can never observe and takes frequent naps that do not affect the outcome of anything.

Super Panda does not care if you do or do not worship it or anything else.

Super Panda does not listen to prayer, grant wishes, usher souls into the afterlife, cause rain to fall, or demand sacrifice.

Super Panda is not aware that you exist, and nothing you ever do will change that.

Super Panda may have pooped out the Big Bang, but probably not.

I know others have created parody religions before, but that is not what this is. Super Panda-ism is as different from parody religions as parody religions are from mainstream religion, but in the other direction. Parody religions point out the futility of faith by aping its trappings. Super Panda-ism accepts the futility of faith as a simple matter of fact and then gets on with life. It doesn’t matter what type of silly hat you wear or what color you believe your invisible unicorn to be. Both are equally meaningless to Super Panda.

So if you like saving time but don’t want to be one of those damn dirty non-believers, join me in the New Chirch of Super Panda. Services are held on the 15th of Never. There will be no request for money as there is no such thing as a “Chirch” so there will never be anything to build. There are no rules to follow; just be the same decent human beings you already should have been (that’s a personal request, not cannon).

There’s no need for the Ghost of Damnation Yet to Come if you just maintain the standard expectation that people should try not to be douchebags.

I just got my Star Trek uniform in the mail today and it made me think about how I’ve wanted this thing since the early 90’s. Then I realized that my life now would really impress me as a kid. SO If I had a chance, these would be the things I would tell my younger self:

7) You know how you keep getting in trouble for trying to be funny in class…when you grow up, you will try and be funny for a living. (Don’t worry, little Tim doesn’t fully understand the value of money. He’ll think making $2,000 a year is a lot)

6) You’re going to live long enough to see a Black man become president…and all your White friends are gonna say that the two of you look alike.

5) One day you’re going to live down the street from Harrison Ford’s son’s restaurant

4) You will live long enough to see Michael Jackson become popular again (sadly, HE won’t)

3) You will be able to dress up like a Starfleet Captain, Superman, Darth Vader, Batman, or a Pirate at a moment’s notice because you will own all of those costumes (plus TWO Kermit the Frog puppets).

2) You are going to get a pass that will let you go to Disneyland everyday of the year!

1) You know all those girls who’ve been rejecting you? You’re going to meet a girl 10 times more beautiful, and smart, and funny and she’s going to spend the rest of her life with you…and you don’t even have to trick her!!!

Image courtesy of Ticky_ on flickr

A bit over 4 years ago, Microsoft announced that they would be including a new document layout file format, later named the “XML Paper Specification“, with the release of Windows that would eventually be called Windows Vista.

The XPS format was intended to both compete with Adobe’s Portable Document Format in the field of a document layout (and for some hardware, the printer interface itself) and in some ways to replace the extremely long-in-tooth Windows Metafile/Enhanced Metafile format.  Ars Technica has a trio of writeups on this battle, if you care to read more.

Microsoft did ship Windows Vista with XPS support, but they also included it in the .NET Framework version 3.0 for Windows XP users. This was a smart move, given that Windows XP users didn’t exactly flock to Vista (in fact, many people counted as “Vista owners” aren’t).

The easiest way to make .XPS files is with the “Microsoft XPS Document Writer”, which acts as a standard Windows printer and allows you to create .XPS files from any application that can print.  Instead of spitting out a dead tree, you get a file that keeps your text and images exactly like you like and which can be taken to another computer/office/planet/plane of existence. Very handy.

As you can almost certainly surmise from this post’s title, it goes downhill from there…

The program  Microsoft provides to open .XPS files is called, unsurprisingly, the “XPS Viewer”.  This Viewer does not stand on its own; it requires Internet Explorer to host it and handle mundane things like rendering the page, scrolling, printing, and so forth.

The big bag of fail is that the XPS Viewer does not load IE when it starts: It loads your default browser and passes it the .XPS file to open.

If your default browser is not IE (and kudos if it isn’t), the browser will invariably ask you what the hell an .XPS file is and what you expect to do with it.  Smarter browsers, like recent Firefox releases, will detect that .XPS files are associated with the XPS Viewer and prompt you to open the file in that program.  When you do, the XPS Viewer will again try to pass the file to your default browser.  Your browser will open a new tab or window for the incoming file, realize it doesn’t handle the .XPS extension, and again ask you what to do.

This will continue, ad infinitum, ad nauseam, until you do one of the following:

1. give up on viewing the file
2. run out of system resources because too many browser tabs/windows are open
3. kill yourself in desperation
4. stop trying to use the XPS Viewer and open the file in IE (which actually launches the XPS Viewer correctly)

It gets even better if you tell your browser “Don’t ask about these files, always open them with the XPS Viewer.”  You will trigger an infinite version of the loop above until you manage to kill the browser.

Microsoft’s designers and testers apparently couldn’t imagine a machine that didn’t use IE. This is what happens when otherwise intelligent people act like morons.

There is an easy fix: forget the piece of shit XPS Viewer and get the stand-alone XPS Essentials.

Either that or else wait for Microsoft to stop assuming everyone uses Internet Explorer.

Thanks for reading the latest in a long line, continuing in the proud footsteps of Noah’s twin rants regarding Windows’ constant need to nag you and how software makers need to work on consistency, as well as my own rather onerous screed (posted to my old personal “journal”, copied here after we started TANcast) on what I think of Internet Explorer 6.

Before anyone wonders what pipe I was smoking, please note that the last link needs to be read in context. It was originally posted:

• almost 3 years after IE 6 was released
• over 1 year after Microsoft announced they had no interest in releasing further browser updates except with updated Windows releases (after they “cut off Netscape’s air supply” so effectively)
• over 1 month before Windows XP Service Pack 2 was released, which improved the ActiveX security model a little and added some ability to see what “helpers” were installed
• about 8 months before Microsoft announced IE 7, after they figured out what abandoning their users was costing them (in May 2003 they competed primarily with Mozilla Suite 1.3 which had 2.3% total market share; in February 2005 they had to contend with Mozilla Suite 1.7 and Firefox 1.0 which had combined market share almost 4 times higher and rising rapidly)
• almost 2.5 years before the promised IE 7 was finally released

I have been working a 5PM to 1AM shift at work as a temporary measure. Only 2 people in a 20,000 square foot building so it can get a bit quiet . Found your podcast on podcast alley and have been downloading it ever since. The job involves testing large amounts of PC boards and can get repetative, so listening to you guys helps keep me awake . Some of your twisted humor and comments just gets me to laughting out loud, but nobody is there to hear me. Since I started night shift, I have started to fart a lot more at work. ( due to diffrences in diet and just becasue I can) Now I can feel free to walk down the halls just tooting away whenever I feel the need. If you are able to really let one go without any holding back they really can have nice tones and echo a long way in an empty building. Guess when I have to go back to day shift my newfound farting freedoms will have to be curtailed a bit. That and the barking noises I make when I am letting my coworker know that its breaktime. Well…bye for now”

I don’t know which of you went to Podcast Alley and left this comment, but it (and you) ROCK!!!

About two weeks ago, I finally used one of my Google Voice invitations and got an awesome phone number. In short, my feelings can be summed up as:

Free + Awesome = WIN ...

… but it could be better.

While I love my iPhone, I’ve been less than thrilled at the App Store rejection, FCC investigation, and useless denials and word-games regarding the Google Voice app. In many ways this is just another reminder that the iPhone lives in Apple’s walled garden (which AT&T loves to prune) and in spite of its power and flexibility it is not a personal computer. Still, I’m a firm believer that I should be able to do whatever I want (within reason) with hardware I buy and services I pay for.

I want to be able to make calls from and access voicemail and text messages sent to my Google Voice number as if my iPhone had two phone numbers. I want push notification of new messages. I want a native Google Voice interface to sit beside my existing iPhone phone/contact/messaging/voicemail applications. In short, I want Google Voice to be a first-class citizen.

This will probably be a pipe dream until either Apple has an aneurysm and suddenly forgets it can dictate the rules or the FCC makes Apple open the garden gate a little wider. Corporate beneficence or pro-consumer government action: guess which one I’ll be holding my breath for. (Hint: “Neither.” is an acceptable guess.)

A more reasonable hope might be the integration I mentioned on the latest TANcast: combining Google Voice and Gmail. They already use the same contacts list, they both have the same concept of inbound and outbound communication and keeping and ordering messages, and they even talk to each other (Google Voice puts an email in your inbox when you have a message). Imagine having one interface where all your emails, chats, SMS, AND voicemails regarding your job hunt, a specific project, or to/from your family all get grouped together (labeled) and searched at once. Google has already done this for chat, why not voice?

Some people say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one…

Nominations begin on October 4th at http://www.podcastawards.com/ and go through October 18th.

When filling out the form, remember that our podcast name is: TANcast and our official URL is: http://tancast.com. Also they say that “comments are critical so the reviewing team understand why a show is deserving of being nominated to the category,” so be sure and leave your 2 cents about why you think we should be nominated.

If you don’t listen to any other podcasts besides ours…well first off, I’m sad for you, but here are some suggestions for the other categories:

People’s Choice:
(No Suggestion…we leave this to the people to decide)
Best Produced:
Mousetalgia (http://www.mousetalgia.com)
Video Podcast:
CO-OP (http://revision3.com/coop)
Comedy:
TANcast (http://TANcast.com)
Cultural/Arts:
Left Field Cinema (http://www.leftfieldcinema.com)
Education:
Grammar Girl (http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com)
Entertainment:
SModcast (http://www.quickstopentertainment.com/smodcast)
General:
Stuff You Should Know (http://www.howstuffworks.com/stuff-you-should-know-podcast.htm)
Mature:
Distorted View Daily (http://www.distortedview.com)
Movies/Films
Scene Unseen Movie Reviews (http://www.sceneunseenpodcast.com)
Technology/Science
Tekzilla (http://revision3.com/tekzilla)
Travel
Mousetalgia (http://www.mousetalgia.com)
or
Netcot (http://www.netcot.com)
(too tough for me to pick one)

I know we’ve missed a lot of great podcasts like the Ice Podcast, Comics on Comics, LSAT Logic in Everyday life, etc. So if you have any suggestions for spots we left out or alternates, leave ‘em in the comments and maybe you’ll inspire someone else to give that podcast a listen and win a nominating vote for them

Like the poster up there says, please comply with the rules of the contest. So no automated bots, or nominating TANcast in every category, no nominating more than once etc. But feel free to tel your friends and family to nominate us as well

Let’s see if we can get TANcast nominated 2 years in a row!

My last two stupid recipes were delicacies that could be turned quickly and effortlessly into poo. Witness, dearest readers, a concoction that you can convert instead directly into shame. Consumed in sufficient quantity, you might even augment the shame by pooing on yourself, especially if you are lactose-intolerant.

I am merely lactose-prejudiced, so I encounter only the regular levels of aftershame.

White Russian Shakes

(In Non-Shake Form)

1. Procure some good vodka, coffee liqueur, and vanilla ice cream. Without breaking the bank, you might want to try Stolichnaya, Copa De Oro, and whatever full-fat premium ice cream brand you have available. You can go up- or down-market as you please. Kahlúa is good, too, but probably overrated and overpriced.
2. Chill the coffee liqueur in the fridge while the vodka gets as cold as possible in the freezer. Thanks to the miracle of science, the vodka should get close to 0° F (about ~18° C) without freezing, though it will thicken nicely.
3. The International Bartenders Association sets the standard White Russian as 5 parts vodka, 2 parts coffee liqueur, and 3 parts fresh cream, poured over ice. Since the ice cream will stand in for both ice and cream (punny!), I combine 2 parts vodka, one part coffee liqueur, and 4-6 parts ice cream, depending on the desired thickness vs. potency. This makes one cup of shake about equal to a standard cocktail.
4. Combine ingredients in sufficient quantity in a blender. I usually make 2 16 oz. shakes at a time, which would be 2.5 cups ice cream, 1 cup vodka, and half a cup of coffee liqueur.
5. Blend carefully until smooth. You don’t want a single lump of goo, but you also shouldn’t blend until the mixture becomes truly liquid. You may need to add ice cream to stiffen or coffee liqueur to loosen the mix.
6. Pour and enjoy.

One shake never seems to be enough, but enough shakes will cause the shakes. This is a drink that sneaks up on you. It whispers “Oh, have another. I’m so lightly tan and sweet. I’m just like that 13 year-old Thai boy you met on that business trip.”, but the next thing you know your pants are around your ankles and you’re crying about that secret crush on your high-school counselor or how you stole all your furniture from a retirement home.

Seriously, take it slow, and for <deity>’s sake, don’t make it any STRONGER!

This week you get a show worth nominating for best “comedy” podcast at podcastawards.com! First Andy’s wife needs a toe truck, then Andy gets insulted by a recruiter, the “fancrust” fights over who’s the best TANcaster, Tim feuds with technology, the World Trade Center site causes frustration, the boys discuss the pros and cons of on-line shopping, Noah makes candied bacon, the boys weigh in on Roman Polanski, and finally they try to determine if Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl In 1990.

Nominate TANcast for best “Comedy” podcast at www.podcastawards.com

Due to incompetence beyond our control, there were no TANlaughs this week.
But please send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Letterman – Optimus Prime Top Ten List
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=capoqysbgI0

TANcast vs Grammar Girl Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcADPF0fIxA

Sony has to Apologize to Nigeria
http://www.us.playstation.com/News/ConsumerAlerts

Top 10 Reasons David Letterman Confessed
http://blog.zap2it.com/frominsidethebox/2009/10/top-10-reasons-david-letterman-confessed-to-affairs-on-the-late-show.html

Picture of David Letterman’s Wife
http://freeoffertrial.info/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/regina-lasko-david-lettermans-wife.jpg

25 Hilarious Roller Coaster Photos
http://www.holytaco.com/25-hilarious-roller-coaster-photos

(NOT SAFE FOR WORK) “Nice Composition” Photo of Girl in Her Undies
http://www.holytaco.com/nice-composition-weird-foot-looks-hotdog-bun

Traci Lords vs Mary Carey…Who’d You Rather?
http://www.tmz.com/2009/10/02/traci-lords-vs-mary-carey-whod-you-rather/

Pic of Chicago Learning They Won’t Get the Olympics
http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2009/10/02/sports/bid.650.4.jpg

Bacon Wrapped Bacon
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3219/2297926249_d878c1928d.jpg

Note: I forgot to hit “Publish” before I went to bed last night. I have, as promised, socked myself in the left nut.

Maybe I didn’t notice this phenomenon as much in California, but it seems as if every other car in Georgia has some sort of signage (magnetic or otherwise) or paint-job (not poo-on-dick) that’s advertising the driver’s small business. In most cases these aren’t even company vehicles like delivery vans or work trucks; they’re just someone’s family car with a bunch of cheap stick-on lettering affixed to it.

On the one hand, I can’t help thinking “Jesus. These fucking eyesores are everywhere.” On the other hand, you  kind of have to hand it to these small business people. They clearly have a dream but not much budget, and they’re doing the best they can to boost business.

That said, I’d like to tell you all about a few that don’t seem to grasp certain nuances, namely that one should not drive around with one’s company name plastered all over one’s vehicle, then break the law in that vehicle.

A while back, my wife and I were sitting in gridlock on a side-street near our house. This particular street is always backed up for miles during the evening rush hour. The road has a single lane in each direction with a suicide lane in the middle, and it’s simply not designed to handle the amount of cars that actually use it. If you are from the area you just know you have to deal with it.

Unless you work for Scotts LawnService, that is.

We watched as a service truck pulled into the suicide lane and proceeded to speed down the road until we lost sight of it around the next bend. At that point it had traveled at least half a mile, which is more than 8 times father than one can legally drive in a left-turn lane in Georgia (300 ft). By the way, one of the local towns claims that 10% of their traffic accidents are caused by people abusing this lane. Nice.

Kudos, Scotts. You clearly value my neighbors’ deep green, weed-free lawns more than you value my neighbors.

On to the next paragon on advertising know-how.

I was sitting at a red light in a left turn lane on a major artery in a shopping district. The three oncoming lanes had the green light and I and the car in front of me had a red arrow. Not only is the 45 mph speed limit on this street regularly exceeded, but the light we were sitting at is just below the crest of a hill you can’t see over. Take a guess what the genius driving the car plastered with signage for All or Nothing Tattoo did.

Nope. He didn’t gun the engine and fly through an illegal left turn.

He pulled slowly out into the intersection, then crept across all 3 oncoming lanes. It was almost as if he closed his eyes and tried each oncoming lane in turn to see if it would kill him, proceeding to the next when each failed to end his existence. Somehow he timed this nail-bitingly stupid move for the only lengthy break in traffic. It was almost as if Moses was on the other side of the hill holding up his staff to let this idiot cross Red Sea Road.

For the record, my left turn light went green about a minute after the tattoo guy made it through. That’s exactly the guy I want applying permanent art to my body with a needle that pierces my skin. The guy who would risk lives to save 60 seconds.

Anyways, as I typically do, I’ve saved the best for last.

I was on the freeway in moderate traffic the other day, doing the standard slow-and-go commute crap when I saw a big red pickup come flying up my ass. It proceeded to tailgate me for about a mile until the lane to my left had a tiny opening, at which point it quickly switched and began to tailgate in that lane. When I failed to close a one pickup-length gap between me and the car in front of me, the pickup rocketed back into my lane and proceeded to tailgate the next unfortunate driver.

Then, just like the Ace of Base, I saw The Sign and it read “Santa Jack”. I shit you not.

No, not this Santa Jack.

This continued at least until I pulled off at my exit 15 minutes later, at which point the pickup was 3 cars in front of me. Santa was driving like a fucking prick, risking an accident in heavy traffic with every ill-advised move, and it wasn’t even Christmas Eve!

I went home and looked up the website that had been plastered all over the truck, mainly because I wanted to send Santa Jack an email along the lines of:

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas that redneck assholes who’re trying to market themselves for kids events not drive like retards on the highways where I and my fellow target market might be driving said kids to said events.

Kisses,

One of the people you tailgated today

PS: Thanks for putting your business name on your truck. I usually never get to know the asshole’s name or how to contact him.

Here’s the best part: not only does the Santa Jack website look like ass, it doesn’t actually work in browsers other than Internet Explorer. You seriously can’t click on a single link. I wonder why.

Somehow Santa Jack had pulled off the elusive double-fail by making sure it was only pissed-off people who would visit his unusable business website. That’s like hanging two signs in your store window: one that says “Open” and the other that says “Get off my property, motherfucker!”

Long ago, when the halls of MySpace were filled with people, I wrote a pair of blogs about some complain letters that I wrote to my corporate nemesis Mervyn’s. I found them and shall reproduce them for you now. Not only do I not follow the advice given by Grammar Girl, I also break all kinds of grammar rules to boot (which I’m sure comes as no surprise if you’ve ever read my blogs before).

So here is the first letter I wrote to Mervyn’s:

Dear fuckholes,

There has been a serious error regarding my account. I have only made one purchase on this account which I paid off less than a month later.

I recently received a notice from a collection agency saying I owe $247.14. The first and most obvious problem is that I should not have a balance to pay off on this account. As mentioned above, I paid the full balance of this card off within a month of my initial and only purchase.

The second problem is that it was sent to the wrong address. When I opened the account, my address was 6064 *street*. And I know this address was successfully conveyed when I opened the account because I received my credit card in the mail shortly after opening the account. However the address the collection notice was sent to was 6664 *street*. This leads me to believe that an error on your end resulted in notices being sent to the wrong address for over a year while what ever this charge is you seem to believe I owe drew more and more interest.

The third and most aggravating problem…and the reason I only made one purchase with the card… is that I was charged for the same items twice. When I signed up for the card, I was told that new card holders got an extra 10% off. However, when they rang me up, they neglected to give me that additional 10% off. So they re-rang up my items only to find out they could void out the first transaction. So I was charged for the same purchase twice (once at 10% off). After about 15 minutes of the store staff trying in vain to void the error, I was told by the manager that it would be taken care of at the corporate end and that I wouldn’t need to worry about it. Needless to say, when I got my bill it was NOT taken care of. When I called the Mervyn’s people, I got the run around for so long that I finally decided it was less hassle to just pay for my items twice and be done with the experience.

But THIS is going too far! I will not have money stolen from me again by this company. Please review whatever records you need to and credit my account…and then CLOSE IT. I assure you I will not have need of a Mervyn’s Credit Card ever again. Honestly man, I know your shitty clothes don’t attract a lot of business, but do you really have to resort to phantom charges to meet each month’s payroll? You are all a bunch of shit eating duchebags!

Suck my fat cock,
-Tim

PS-Please contact me immediately to let me know this matter has been resolved or I will take a dump on the counter in every one of your shitty stores!

Yeah…seems pretty straight forward., I can’t imagine anybody having a problem with that letter. Then, a few weeks later, I got the following letter FROM Mervyn’s:

Dear TIMOTHY:

Thank you for your recent inquiry regarding the above referenced account. An itemized history of your account is enclosed. The referenced account is reporting correctly.

And now, as a bonus, you can either watch the video to hear the final letter or scroll down and read it for yourself…or do both! The world is your oyster on this blog!

And now my reply letter:

Dear Ass hats,

Lick my nuts,
Tim Babb
Highly Dissatisfied Customer

Well I am sure I have just made Grammar Girl curse California’s educational system (unless she reads my blogs, in which case she’s been cursing it every day in September), but hopefully I gave some laughs along the way.

Oh…and if anyone from the former Mervyn’s corporate office is reading this, die in a fire! Toodles!

It’s a real First World Problem to have, but I am a 30-something suburban dad so this is the kind of shit I spend actual time thinking about.

Should I buy a Xbox 360 or PlayStation 3?

Make no mistake: I eventually plan on owning both consoles. The dilemma is simply which to buy first.

Lets compare the contenders.

Online: At this point, more of my friends (and more Americans) own an Xbox 360 than own a PlayStation 3, and by quite a margin. On this point alone I would have to give online play to Microsoft, but the attention to detail they’ve shown in crafting the Xbox LIVE (I assume that second word is screamed) experience just seals the deal.

Games: Here the difference is more subtle. Both consoles have exclusives I want to play. Both have versions of multi-platform games with additional content (fucking publishers and their desire for easy money…). Both have developers who spend more time polishing a multi-platform release on their hardware than the competitor’s. Microsoft may beat Sony by a thin margin thanks to its greater US penetration (seriously, it’s sold like 2x more than Sony), additional year on the market, and simpler development process, in spite of having weaker…

Hardware: Sony, hands down. Gigabit Ethernet. Built-in WiFi (instead of an overpriced add-on). User-replaceable hard drive (upgrades are at market prices, not “Microsoft, please assrape me” prices). Lower power consumption. Quieter operation. Significantly lower failure rate. More powerful (I’m told) CPU and GPU.

Media: This seems like it should be an afterthought, but this may be the point upon which the whole battle turns. Sony supports streaming more kinds of video (including codecs a… um… downloaded movie is likely to use). Sony has a Blu-Ray player. No, let’s be more precise: The PlayStation 3 is probably still the best Blu-Ray player on the market. On the other hand, the Xbox 360 streams content from Netflix, including some 720p HD movies and shows. My living room TV does 720p, not 1080i or 1080p, so while Blu-Ray would look better than my DVDs, they wouldn’t look much/any better than the HD content I could stream instantly and at-will from Netflix. Now, if only I could tell which way this turns the battle…

My wife was excited to hear about the “PS3 slim” release and really, REALLY, wants to get Planet Earth on Blu-Ray, posthaste. She’s also a big fan of playing co-op and multi-player Halo. In short, she can’t decide either.

It really feels like my decision is whether to play the Xbox 360 or watch the PlayStation 3.

Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 1

Because I lack the ability to form original, meaningful thought, I am stealing Tim’s idea, like, whole. I’m just biting off him, completely shamelessly.

The only promise I make is that if I miss blogging at least once in any day in October I will punch myself in a testicle of my choice (the left one is getting uppity). Oh, and I’ll also try to be better about grammar and spelling than Tim was. Oh, and I’ll probably be less funny, more political. Oh, and I’ll do it while FUCKING YOUR MOM!!!

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

Enjoy the suck.

It’s time to play America’s favorite new game show…

That’s right, “Who’s the Douche?” The game where we show you an actual exchange on the internet and you decide who the bigger douche bag is.

Today’s game starts on a message board and continues into private messages. The two contestants shall be identified as “Possible Douche 1″ (PD1) and “Possible Douche 2″ (PD2). Ready to play? Here we go!!!

**The game started when Possible Douche 1 posted this on a message board:

Possible Douche 1: So I was told there are 2 clocks in the park [Disneyland] that signify the time Walt Disney died (told by a cast member after noticing a clock was stopped or not working and since everything in Disney has a reason, I decided to ask why)

My question is … if I remember correctly, I think they were stopped at 12:20… but I think he died at 9:30 or 9:45?

Does anyone know about this? Is it maybe the time Walt was pronounced dead?

**This stumps the first few posters who repeatedly ask where the two clocks are located only to be told:

Possible Douche 1:
hehe its a secret

**When people then press PD1 on the subject of the clocks, PD1 responds with:

Possible Douche 1:
Wow! Over-dramatic much?

…and to be honest, that is why I have 50 posts not 3,835 or more… haha Thanks for reminding me why I stick to going to the park and not coming on the message boards so much…

**This is where PD2 comes in and the game really starts

Possible Douche 2:
“Yeah I want to ask YOU people for information but how dare you be so over dramatic as to expect some back from me.”

BTW If you do see me in the park and you want to know where something is…good luck to you…ha!

**Then it goes into a private conversation and the douchiness really starts to fly…

Possible Douche 1:
Hey…It’s me… [person you know from another site] …thanks for being a punk lol

Possible Douche 2:
lol hey! Well in fairness, you started it

Possible Douche 1:
haha yeah well… I like the adventure of finding stuff…So I was merely asking if anyone else knew ’cause I assumed all these [Disney] geeks would know already! But seems I hold some info they want BAD lol jk

Anyways I’ll tell you if you investigate and tell me your answers…wanna?

Possible Douche 2:
No thanks. I’ve already figured it out and I don’t want to deprive you of the fun of it!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!! (Evil Joker laugh)

Possible Douche 1:
Have you really?!?!?! …and do you know the significance?

Possible Douche 2:
Oh yeah…it’s kinda obvious if you think about it.

Possible Douche 1:
Not really… What 2 are you thinking of…the one in the castle and…?

Possible Douche 2:
Wait…YOU don’t know the other one?!!

Well then forget it, I ain’t tellin’!

Possible Douche 1:
How did I know that would happen? …yes I do … It’s on something that moves…. yours?

**AT this point DB2 lets almost a full hour go by without responding

Possible Douche 1:
Ok…so gimme a hint and I’ll give you a hint.

Possible Douche 2:
Oh…I have no idea. I was deliberately wasting your time

Possible Douche 1:
I hate you.

Possible Douche 2:
Right back at ya, keeper of secrets.

Possible Douche 1:
I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell people on the board…’cause they’re ASSSSHOLES lol

Possible Douche 2:
I don’t get why you don’t want to tell people.

Possible Douche 1:
At first I wasn’t going to ’cause what’s the fun there? I dunno. My whole fun with Disneyland is learning and discovering not like…
HI! HERE’S THE GUIDE TO EVERYTHING SPECIAL NOW YOU GET TO LOOK AT THEM!

Boring!

Possible Douche 2:
But…
a) many people on the boards can’t go to Disneyland that often

Possible Douche 1:
Neither can I. I haven’t been since June lol

Possible Douche 2:
b) We didn’t even know about this puzzle until you presented it

Possible Douche 1:
I assumed all u Disney geeks would know already…sheesh

Possible Douche 2:
c) not everyone has the same idea of fun

Possible Douche 1:
If 2 funs don’t mix, and one fun has to be gone to have another, I’ll choose my own…and you all can SUCK IT! lol

Possible Douche 2:
So you’re really not gonna share?

Possible Douche 1:
Not to the board

Possible Douche 2:
…I don’t get it

And there you have it! So now you get to decide who the douche is…PD1 for keeping the secret or PB2 for wasting PD1’s time on purpose?

WHO’S THE DOUCHE?!!

If you’re on Facebook and you have more than 2 friends, you’ve probably gotten a message that one of your friends has “tagged” you in a photo. Then you click on it only to find out the “photo” is actually a grid that says things like “my funny friend,” “my friend with the best hair,” “my friend I miss most” etc. Then you keep getting notified as the other people who were tagged keep making comments on the photo. No big deal in the grand scheme of life…but still annoying, am I right?

May I humbly offer the solution? Just post the picture below on your page and then tag everyone who has tagged you in one of those photos before. Not only will they delete you from their Facebook friends…they may never speak to you again.

(click the grid to see it full size)

BTW-If any of you post this and tag me…you’re so dead.

I finally called to make an appointment with an oral surgeon today to get my top two wisdom teeth removed. My wife will be happy because I have been putting this off for quite some time…as in, over two years. That’s a year per impacted tooth!

The thing is, I don’t have a good reason for putting it off. When I put off making the bed, that’s because I have no desire to make the bed. It’s the same for doing the dishes, taking out the garbage, or watching “What Not To Wear,” I’m putting those things off because I’d rather not do them (in the latter case, I’d rather do everything else on the list 2 or 3 times before that.) The great thing about procrastination is that sometimes if you put something of long enough…you don’t have to do it at all. So, really, you didn’t procrastinate, you won!

But with the wisdom teeth, that is not the case. I would like these things removed. In fact on of them has cracked to the point that it has a sharp edge that stabs my cheek whenever I bite…or talk…or yawn…or move my mouth in the slightest. So you would think I’d be Johnny-On-The-Spot with the appointment , but now. I let it go for more than 2 years. And I’m not one of those guys who has a fear of the dentist. I have a fear of dental bills, but that’s hardly the same.

I thought I just procrastination as a means to an end…simply a way for me to put off (and sometimes avoid) things I don’t want to do. But apparently, I actually enjoy procrastinating (like writing this blog instead of fleshing out a new joke). That’s a little scary. Not only do I have an inexplicable enjoyment for the act of procrastinating…I apparently value it more than my own physical well being.

This can’t end well…

Every so often my mind goes on weird, random tangents when I drive at night. Tonight as I drove to pick up my wife from the airport I thought, “I wonder what people on other planets are doing right now.”

I am, of course, taking it as a given that there are other planets with life on them out there somewhere. But, I am not talking about what their scientists are doing. I’m sure they’re sending out probes and satellites trying to find intelligent life and having just about as much luck as we are. What I’m wondering about is Joe Blow alien. What’s he doing right now?

Probably just normal things like we are. There’s probably some alien yelling at his kids right now because they won’t stop fighting. Isn’t that a weird thought? Some alien dad yelling at his kids…right as you read this. We don’t look the same, communicate in the same way, or even observe time in the same manner…but those kids are getting a talking to from G’nok that they won’t soon forget.

And an alien is probably taking a shit right now. Doesn’t that blow your mind? He’s not working on the Death Star, or adjusting the stargate, he’s taking a fat dump. Right now! He’s pinching of a mighty alien loaf while you’re sitting here reading this blog. With so many planets in the universe, it’s almost impossible that somebody on another planet ISN’T shitting right now. What if it doesn’t come out of his butt? What if he shoots it out of his fingers? Like when a douche back greets you by doing that fake gun thing with his hands…except a turn shoots out. And so they have to wear gloves all the time to cover their private parts. Somewhere zillions of light years away, some alien is finger pooping and there isn’t anything you can do about it. You won’t ever get to see it.

…I don’t encourage drug use (I don’t discourage it either…it’s not for me, but you do what you want. I’m not your father) however…I believe you should probably read this blog to your friend when he’s high. I am fairly sure an amusing freak out will result from it.

This week, Noah has an obsession with not safe for work links, The boys talk about new fall TV (Supernatural, Glee, True Blood, House, Heroes, Dexter, & CSI), Tim contends that Turbulence is worse than Transformers, Andy uses his child’s hair to make his wife cry, Tim watches Hitman the wrong way, Surrogates disappoints Noah, finally Noah eats breakfast and that’s when the war begins.

Here is a link to the I *Heart* TANcast picture for you to put on your social networking site to win out Talking Joke Box contest: http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/I-heart-TANcast-flyer.jpg (Contest Ends October 3, 2009)

This week’s TANlaughs were submitted by Dave in the UK, Mike, and Mike.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Tim’s only credit on IMDB
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1134809/

Robin’s Photo of Crocs in Disneyland
http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/crocks-from-Robin.jpg

(NOT SAFE FOR WORK) Daily Photos of a Healthy Cervix
http://www.boingboing.net/2009/09/24/daily-photos-of-a-he.html

Streaker Scores Football (Soccer) Goal
(Another one of Noah’s that you can’t click on around other people)
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/3084/amazing_streaker_scores/

50 Sluttiest American Apparel Ads
(Yet another one of Noah’s that you can’t click on around other people)
http://consumerist.com/5354808/save-on-porno-50-sluttiest-american-apparel-ads

Pictures People staring at Boobs
(Oh yes…another one of Noah’s that you can’t click on around other people)
http://coedmagazine.com/2009/09/14/beware-the-boob-stare-104-photos/

Someone staring at Scarlett Johansson’s Boobs
http://thechive.com/2009/01/its-impossible-not-to-stare-part-ii-17-photos/staring-boobs-2/

Nicholas Cage as Superman
http://www.examiner.com/x-24504-Norfolk-Comic-Books-Examiner~y2009m9d23-Nic-Cage-as-Superman-What-might-have-been
http://imgur.com/Y2fF2

Tim on Netcot “debating” the return of Captain EO
http://www.netcot.com/blog/?p=385

Article about a parasite that eats and replaces a fish’s tongue
(#6 on the list)
http://www.cracked.com/article_17199_7-most-horrifying-parasites-on-planet.html

Parasite that enters through your “pee hole”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candiru

iPhone Stalker App Commercial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2k3zvI2tyPM

“Interesting” Craigslist ad
http://imgur.com/yy4HB.jpg

Dog Licking Peanut Butter
http://imgrr.com/x/xghfd789.jpg

So I’m at Panda Express earlier behind a shit ton of people. One of them is a family of 5; a dad, a mom, a baby boy, a girl toddler, and a boy toddler.

While mom and dad are busy blathering to each other (dad’s holding the baby) the two toddlers set about climbing on the tables. Dad glances over to see them doing this and says, “get down.” However, he doesn’t say it in the sort of big, gruff, “dad means business” sorta tone. He says it as though he’s asking the kids to pass the salt. He then follows up by returning to his conversation with mom.

Well toddler girl climbs a little higher on the table…before losing her balance and falling chin first on the table next to it. She begins to cry. At this point mom and dad spring into action right? WRONG. The kid walks around crying and bleeding for a good minute before the Black family seated near the kids called the parents attention to the fact that the little girl had hurt herself. (oh, yes…the BLACK family had well behaved kids…deal with that you stereotyping fucks!)

Well now mom is takes the crying little girl to the bathroom. Now you would think that at THIS point either mom, dad, or both would make sure the toddler boy stopped climbing on the same tables…f you did think that, you would be wrong. Dad turned around and started deciding whether he wanted the orange chicken or the sweetfire chicken, which was WAY more important than monitoring his son.

You would expect that this story would end with the toddle boy falling and hurting himself as well…but it doesn’t. Which is almost worse. It’s great that the little boy didn’t hurt himself, but those parents clearly learned no lesson. They will continue to ignore their kids while thinking about their dining options. And even if none of the kids hurt themselves, can you please teach your children that it’s not okay to climb all over the table I’m about to eat on?! Sheesh!!!

Trek haters be warned…thar’ be Trek a’comin’!

During the 5th season of Star Trek: The Next Generation there was an episode entitles “The Inner Light.” If you’re even a casual fan of the show, you probably know it. The episode won a Hugo Award, was nominated for an Emmy, and is consistently among the highest rated episodes in all of Star Trek.

It’s also one of my favorite episodes of Trek. It was recently on WGN so I made sure to save it on the DVR. I’ll describe the episode as briefly as I can. Captain Picard and the usual crew are on the bridge when a strange probe floats by. All of a sudden the probe sends out some beam and Picard falls down unconscious. When he wakes up, he’s on strange planet and everyone is calling him “Kamin.” He lives out a full lifetime on that planet in the span of 25 minutes. To summarize the plot more than this does the episode a huge disservice. You really should watch it, even if you’re not a fan of the Trek (hence I have saved it to watch with my wife) “The Inner Light” represents so much about what I like about Star Trek, yet is really an atypical episode.

There is no “villain” in the episode. No hostile alien attacking (Unless you count the probe attaching to Picard as an “attack.”) Most of the regular crew are barely in the episode…in fact Troi makes no appearance at all. There isn’t a great load of technical babble like there is in many episodes. There is a little to set up the premise of Picard’s predicament, but mostly it’s just Picard living a life on a drought plagued planet.

But what it does manage to do is deliver some great character moments. Despite all the rockets and lasers, Star Trek’s appeal has always been it’s great characters. And they manage to get some great drama out of this whole new set of characters that you didn’t know 30 minutes ago, but they tug violently at your heart strings for the bitter sweet finale of the episode. Plus it’s just such an interesting concept. What if you fell asleep tonight and then spent what seemed like 40 years living another life? …but then when you wake up…and you’re back in your bed…only one night had passed. How do you go back to your life after you’ve spent what seemed like 4 decades being somewhere else and someone else? Or imagine if you woke up tomorrow and all the experiences you’ve had up until now weren’t “real.” You had to go back to a whole other life that you’d forgotten about. Doesn’t that set our imagination on fire?!

To top it off, there is a haunting melody that Picard learns to play on a special flute. Which Picard plays as the show fades to credits. It is one of those songs that runs around in your head long after the tv is off, stirring up emotions as it goes. It was good enough to be fleshed out into a full orchestrated piece for Star Trek’s 30th anniversary and you can hear it in my Star Trek themed Kingdom Comedy.

I know I’m not the first to write about this episode, nor have I probably even come close to breaking new ground in my “analysis,” but I felt I should throw my two cents about this episode. It is a great episode of television that not only entertains but truly makes you feel something. It’s a shame some people will never see it because they don’t watch “that nerdy Star Trek crap.”

So back in May, I posted a video called Tim Babb’s Kingdom Comedy: Fail (Which remains my wife’s favorite of all the videos I’ve done and up until today the title was spelled wrong “Kingdon Comdey” …double fail). The video is basically about how I had brought the camera to Disneyland and was ready to shoot another of my Kingdom Comedy series of videos when I noticed the camera was out of batteries.

Well now it’s almost October and I have finally made up for that error. A few hours ago I finished editing the video that I had gone to Disneyland to film that day. I present it to you now for your enjoyment…

For those of you who don’t know, I’m a regular contributor to Kougarmagazine.com It’s a site by and for sexy, sophisticated, self-reliant women and the men who love them. I really like the idea of championing the notion that age is just a number and if you’re motivated, you can do whatever you want. SO in addition to my comedy bits, there are all sorts of helpful articles on fashion, health, business, etc.

Well for the fall issue, I was asked to come up with the top 10 worst ideas for a Halloween costume. I decided to do it in de-motivational poster form. Most of them turned out pretty well except for one…

You see, I put this list together in mid August. So there was one joke that stopped being funny by the time the issue went on-line. In fact if you view the list now, you will notice that #8 is a fairly recent reference compared to the others. That’s because I had to create an emergency replacement for the original #8 which was this:

Now you can see how that was funny a few years ago when there was a possibility that Swayze might pull though and come out on top. Sadly, as we have mentioned in previous blogs and on the show, Mr Swayze passed away. So the answer to the picture’s question is, “yes.”

I’m not sure why I felt it was okay to make jokes about him on stage after he died but I felt this photo was over the line…but that’s how I see it. I guess that post death, this picture feels more like an insult, whereas my jokes on stage feel like jokes. I dunno where my “line” is. It moves all the time. But I just thought I’d share a bit of the behind the scenes process with you folks.

Look I’d like to write something entertaining for you good folks, I really would. But it’s fucking hot in this back room and I’ve been here all day. I was working on several PhotoShop projects as well as trying to edit a new Kingdom Comedy. (It’s coming along…slowly but surely) But there’s no air back here. I have the window open, but wind stubbornly refuses to blow in. But the sun beats down and heats this place to molten temperatures that force me to take a shower then walk around naked and wet all day…and I’m STILL too hot!

Oh wait…I lied I haven’t been in this room all day. I met a friend for lunch today and while the company was good, the food was another matter all together. Somewhere along the line, pizza has betrayed me. We were good friends for so many years, but now whenever I eat it, my butt turns into a volcano spewing ass magma. It’s so disappointing. I so rarely go out to eat because I am super cheap. So when I finally do go out to eat, it pains me (both literally and figuratively) to see it all go down the drain so soon. Ah well, I guess shit happens…messy, watery shit.

All this to say, this blog is not very entertaining and I’m sorry for that. How many of these 22 blogs have been me apologizing for the lack of good content? I wonder if that still counts as a blog…fuck it!

So if you’ve heard the latest TANcast, then you know that the San Francisco Comedy Competition is over…at least for me. I didn’t score high enough to move on. Or to put it another way, I failed.

The time to ask why is behind me. I made bad choices, things beyond my control happened, etc. The question is, where do I go from here? I was really hoping this contest would open doors for my comedy career. Now those doors are probably slammed shut.

I could sit around and moan that fact, but the fact is I really just want to move on and find new ways of opening those doors (or find new doors). But not knowing how to do that is a frightening thing. It’s like being lost in the woods…no..wait…I wouldn’t know what that’s like. It’s like being in the LAX parking lot and not knowing where your car is (that I know about first hand). You don’t know where to start. You feel like every time you go one direction, you may actually moving further from your goal. As the hours go by, you begin to wonder if in fact you’re just going around in circles.

In LAX I eventually found my car and got to where I wanted to go. Will I be that lucky with comedy? Only time and will can tell.