Woah! The power was just off for 2 hours. You know what I did in that time? Nothing! I can’t remember a time when I’ve felt more powerless (literally and figuratively)

Why is it, whenever the power goes off, all I can think of to do evolves power?

“Uh oh, the power’s off…I’m gonna tweet about it…oh no computer…well I’ll use the laptop…oh crap no internet…well I’ll catch up on the DVR..oh right no cable…so I’ll watch a dvd then…oh crap that takes power too! Well, I guess I’ll do the laundry…oh right…I guess I’ll stare at this wall. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

(In truth I actually cleaned some of the house and then re-read the Rorschach parts of Watchmen…now that the power’s back on…I’m not very motivated. Someone better call PG&E (The power company, for you non-west coasters) and hit the reset switch on my internal drive!

Dear summer,

It’s been fun. I’ve enjoyed going swimming, playing at the beach, enjoying a nice barbecue or two, etc…but it’s September now. Can we turn down the heat a little?

I spend most of the day on a computer which is housed in the only room in my apartment that gets zero ventilation! Do you have to put the sun on full blast all day so I sweat my butt off while I’m creating gems like these for cracked.com? My office chair is literally damp right now! Ew! That is gross. You’re lucky I’m married, summer, or I’d never see another naked woman again after blogging that fact!

Plus my car is jet black inside and holds on to heat like Snookie holds on to her 15 minutes of fame! It’s like driving around in an easy bake oven all day. (Oh sure, you say “turn on the air conditioner.” Who do you think I am, Richard Branson? I don’t got the kind of money that will allow me to chew through gas like that!)

So enough with the heat, summer! Bow out gracefully. You had your time to shine now step aside for some moderate temperatures!

Love and kisses,
-Tim Babb

PS-Tell winter it can expect a complaint letter from me around late January (or earlier if I have to do a show in a state where it snows)

In a world where people need to waste time on the internet…

One man steps from the shadows of the world wide web.

Last time he made a difference by posting a blog everyday in the month of September 2009.

Then it happened again in March of 2010.

…Now…the idiot who wasted a ton of your time is about to waste some more!

Tim Babb returns in…

Coming to TANcast.com this September!
(Special thanks to the movie Tropic Thunder, for basically writing this blog for me…we’re off to a great start!)

Despite the title and album art, this episode has almost nothing to do with how sexy Sandra Bullock is (damn). It does feature spam talk, Andy’s kid has a birthday, Tim goes on a comedy road trip, seek out the Return of the Jedi deleted lightsaber scene, and Noah watches deaf lesbians making out.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s TANlaughs were sent in by Ian, CJ, and Jonathan.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***

Filmsack Podcast
http://filmsack.com/

Highlands: A Peephole History (Kevin Smith Podcast)
http://www.smodcast.com/peephole/index.html

Noah’s Pea Smoothie Recipe
http://www.neverhomemaker.com/2010/08/blueberry-sunrise-smoothie.html

Article about Star Wars Deleted Scene
http://www.neatorama.com/2010/08/16/star-wars-deleted-scene-revealed-at-last/

YouTube Video of Star Wars Deleted Scene (may get pulled)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0kj-8tTYII

Tim’s Video About Annoying YouTube Graphics
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWcitmSP5DU

This week: a rare peak at Andy’s Job, the pitfalls of fast food, Noah reviews Scott Pilgrim, Andy and Tim remember their choir director, Tim goes the extra mile(s) for comedy, and the boys look at other podcasts.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s TANlaughs were sent in by Tim’s Grandmother, Todd, Bob, and Todd again.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***

Album Artwork (full size)
http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Crazy-Boobage-copy.jpg

Story Of Man Marinating His Cat (to Eat)
http://www.buffalonews.com/city/article97630.ece

Man Commits Suicide at Concert (Noah went to School with him)
http://digg.com/music/Fan_commits_suicide_at_Swell_Season_show_band_responds?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+digg/popular+(Popular+Stories)

Croc Pic
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?op=1&view=all&subj=242741254466&pid=6131174&id=595465859&oid=242741254466#!/photo.php?op=1&view=all&subj=242741254466&pid=31617106&id=1310367449&oid=242741254466&fbid=1575676434403

Tim’s Carrie Prejean Blog
http://tancast.com/2009/11/12/5-actual-inappropriate-questions-larry-king-should-have-asked-carrie-prejean/

Mill Casino (Tim playing there August 25, 2010)
http://www.themillcasino.com/entertainment/warehouse101.cfm

Winners Casino (Tim playing there August 26, 2010)
http://winnerscasino.com/

Legends Night Club (Tim playing there August 27, 2010)
http://www.billingshotel.net/the-r-club

Rooster T Feathers Comedy Club (Tim playing there September 1-5, 2010)
http://www.roostertfeathers.com/

Filmsack Podcast
http://filmsack.com/

Jay And Silent Bob Get Old Podcast
http://www.smodcast.com/getold/index.html

As n’ Titties/Tetris Mash-up
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jc4L0V6w3Fg

U.S. Soldiers Punished for Not Attending Christian Concert
For the past several years, two U.S. Army posts in Virginia, Fort Eustis and Fort Lee, have been putting on a series of what are called Commanding General’s Spiritual Fitness Concerts. As I’ve written in a number of other posts, “spiritual fitness” is just the military’s new term for promoting religion, particularly evangelical Christianity. And this concert series is no different.

On May 13, 2010, about eighty soldiers, stationed at Fort Eustis while attending a training course, were punished for opting out of attending one of these Christian concerts.

Naturally this got a bee in my bonnet so I reposed the story on MY Facebook page. I threw a pointless reference to the “mosque” debate in the tag and I felt quite pleased with myself. Then, one of my friends commented:

If it is a true article, it’s not right for the military to be doing that… Everyone has a right to their own religion… But I’m sure that the Huffington Post left out some key details that would shed some more light and truth on this story…

So I thought to myself, “Well let’s see if Fox even covered the story.” I did a quick search and sure enough they did.

APNewsBreak: Army probes claim that soldiers were punished for skipping a Christian concert
The Army said Friday it was investigating a claim that dozens of soldiers who refused to attend a Christian band’s concert
at a Virginia military base were banished to their barracks and told to clean them up.

Fort Eustis spokesman Rick Haverinen told The Associated Press he couldn’t comment on the specifics of the investigation. At the Pentagon, Army spokesman Col. Thomas Collins said the military shouldn’t impose religious views on soldiers.

The same friend commented that the Fox News story actually points out there is an investigation into the soldier’s claims where as the Huffington Post piece takes the soldiers’ claims as fact, and then just goes on to espouse the down side of these Christian concerts in general. That’s when I looked at the byline for the author of the HUffington Post piece, it was written by Chris Rodda who is the
Senior Research Director of the Military Religious Freedom Foundation and the author of “Liars For Jesus.” So this is less a “news article” and more an opinion piece.

So it would seem this Huffington Post piece is and example the same king of irresponsible journalism that annoys me about Fox News AND really pissed me off on Yahoo the other day.

So why did I blindly re-post it? Am I a hypocrite? Probably. But I feel like there’s been too much Christian bullying in this country lately. Form gay marriage, to the ground zero mosque, to “Barack is a Muslim,” to the constant assertion that this is a “Christian nation,” I’ve had my fill of Jesus in my government.

Look puss bags, I did not elect any of you to watch out for my spiritual health. I can handle that! I have a direct line to Jesus, and I can pray whenever I wanna. You focus on the economy, defense, education, infrastructure, etc…you’ve got WAY too many things to worry about before you start worrying about the invisible man in the sky.

So when I saw an “article” that the government was at it again, I reacted without the necessary critical thinking. For that, I apologize. Now, I realize that I’m too low on the entertainment totem pole to have my opinion account for anything…so no apology is really necessary, but my own personal integrity forces me to call myself out as a hypocrite.

Tim Babb, you’re a hypocrite…and you suck!

a) No hes not a %@#$ing Muslim!

b) If he was, who gives a @$#%?

c) How the %@#$ is this the “Top Story?”

Did I miss something? Is the economy fixed? Are all the wars over? Did we solve the immigration issue? Is ALL the oil in the gulf cleaned up?

Surely all those things must have happened and then some for Yahoo to put this as the top story! How can the right claim there’s a left wing media bias when this does NOTHING except to damage the credibility of the president?

There is NO WAY this story would be run about Bush if there were rumors that he was a secret atheist. Those rumors would be dismissed and laughed off. A story like that wouldn’t even make this page much less be the featured story.

Look, I get it, some people don’t like Obama. BELIEVE me I get it…I got it for 8 years. But just run an editorial on his policies, don’t make a news story out of some BS rumors that aren’t worthy to bump a Bay Boy story off the cover of the Weekly World News.

Yahoo, die in a fire!

PS-Why would I care what the weather is like in Solana Beach, CA?

I thought sure this would get some love. Look at that thing, it looks like someone ate a cheese pizza and then barfed it up on a hot dog. If you’re on a diet and ever tempted to have some fast food, just book mark this page and stare at that mass of yuck!

This one is a tribute to an old joke by comedian John Hoogasian. That’s all…just had to give the man his props! Go Hoogs!

Sorry for the echo this week. If you suffer through it, you’ll enjoy more Comcast sucking stories, pie talk, tales of the KFC “Skinwich,” Andy’s visit with his brother, and the boys’ review of the Expendables and some other movies.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s TANlaughs were sent in by Hale, Bob, Caitlin and Todd.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***

The Song From Last Week
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKsVSBhSwJg

Car That “Runs On Poop”
http://news.discovery.com/tech/poo-powered-vw-beetle-runs-clean.html

Down For Everyone Or Just Me?
http://downforeveryoneorjustme.com/

TANcast Facebook Page
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-TANcast/242741254466?ref=ts

KFC’s Skinwich
http://www.brainresidue.com/taste-test-kfcs-new-skinwich/

The Goofy Song (That’s is Also This Week’s “Link” Sound)
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/scampi/

Chelsea’s Crock Sock Link
http://www.target.com/dp/B000YZI9G8/ref=sc_qi_img_viewdetails?ie=UTF8&title=view+full+details

This week you’ll get a Croc news update, the boys talking about sports, a discussion of the American judicial system by way of gays and pot, and the latest from the kids at Autotune The News will get STUCK in your head. (sorry)

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s TANlaughs were sent in by Jo, Jonathan, and Jonathan again (uncredited).
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***

Auto Tuned News Report (Also the Source of this week’s “Link” Sound)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKsVSBhSwJg

Crocs That Don’t Look Like Crocs
http://www.crocs.com/crocs-quicktrail-low/10723,default,pd.html?cid=24F&cgid=men-footwear

Bird Hit By Pitch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXXSe1YQkRE

Comedian Tom Clark
http://www.tomclark.com/

Tim’s Prop 8 Blog
http://tancast.com/2010/08/04/gay-marriage-why-do-i-care/

Dave Chappelle’s Man Rape Bit
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLWlBgj0uOc

Noah’s Beer Float Recipe (again)
http://www.thekitchn.com/thekitchn/dessert/lambic-float-122533

Daniel Tosh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCDRpEt-TEE

Today in California, the ban on gay marriage was overturned by a federal judge. This makes me very happy. Although I don’t know why…

Girls kissing…hmmmmm good start, but not the answer.

The decision is likely to be appealed which could take it all the way to the Supreme Court…where it could decide not only the fate of California…but perhaps all of the United States. That prospect has me filled with equal parts hope and dread. But I don’t know why…

You see…I don’t have a dog in this fight. I will never get gay married. I was lucky enough to meet a lovely woman who agreed to marry me and I know I could never find anyone better of either gender. …oh…and I’m not gay. (Despite songs you may have heard to the contrary)

I don’t know these ladies…why do I care what they do?

So why does it bother me so much that people are trying to stop gays from having these rights? I could try and tie this in to my Black heritage and the struggles my people went through for equality…but that doesn’t ring true. First off, I’m too young to have any true experience with the oppression that people like my dad and grandmother had to go through. Secondly, it’s just not on the same level. Blacks weren’t allowed to eat at the same counters, drink out of the same water fountains or enjoy many of the rights an American citizen should. Arguably, getting married was the least of their worries. So I can see why a lot of Black people get upset when to struggle for gay rights is compared to the civil rights movement However, even though the Gay and Black struggles are not equal, you cannot deny the parallel. When rights are taken away from a group, you are basically telling that group, “You’re not worth as much as the rest of us.”

I think that’s what gets stuck in my craw about this. It just FEELS so unjust. I know we’ve all been told “life’s unfair,” but this just seems so needlessly unfair. Who is it really hurting to have gays married to each other? What damage does it cause society? Even if you believe that being gay is a sin, how does stopping them from being married stop the sinful behavior? It’s not like they’re not gay until they’re married. They’re gay right now…yup as I type this dudes are doin’ it. Nothing you can do about it. But you can use the tax revenue from all the crap they buy for their weddings to pave roads, pay teachers, and give the firefighters what they need. Plus, don’t you think that maybe some of those orphan kids in foster homes would like some parents?

So I guess that’s why I care. It just seems so illogical to go the other direction. But that leads me to another question… The party that seems to be championing this ban on gay marriage is the republicans, right? But aren’t they the party of “hey government, stay out of my business?” So why do they want the government to get IN to the business of who should and shouldn’t marry? I mean I can understand that you’d want the government to step in if it was going to effect national productivity, public health, etc…but it doesn’t.

So the real question is…why do OPPONENTS of gay marriage care?

I dunno if this really counts as “irony,” but I’m laughing anyway.

This week: Andy has a health scare, Noah won’t play “Would You Rather?”, tips on creating a killer game night, the boys celebrate Lisa Simpson’s wedding day, and Tim and Andy have encounters with the French.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s TANlaughs were sent in by Mike, Mike, and Adam.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***

Tim with Some Audience Members After A Show (Need a Facebook account to view)
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/photo.php?pid=31334388&id=1019315149&fbid=1462515595752

Black Couple has White Baby
http://bossip.com/268491/nigerian-couple-stuns-genetic-experts-give-birth-to-white-baby-girl/

TANcast Facebook Page
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-TANcast/242741254466?ref=ts

Beer Float
http://www.thekitchn.com/thekitchn/dessert/lambic-float-122533

Girl Makes Same Dumb Face in a Bunch of Photos (GIF That Makes ANdy Laugh)
http://picchore.com/people/epic-duckface-gif/

Lisa Simpson Wedding Invitation
http://funnybin.tumblr.com/post/886399222/lisa-simpson-getting-married

TANcast Twitter Page
http://twitter.com/TANcast

Small World at Walt Disney World
http://0.tqn.com/d/themeparks/1/0/d/P/IASW2.jpg

Small World at Disneyland
http://ocresort.ocregister.com/files/2009/02/fantasyland-47.jpg

I performed a minor WordPress update yesterday and now the podcast feed is borked.

I’m working to figure out where the hell it went. For now, you’ll need to download any episode you want from the site. Sorry, iTunes users and Zune user. I know I suck.

This week: Tim talks about his trip to Walt Disney World (a LOT), Andy talks about his trip to California, CJ sends in a version of the famous Footprints poem, Andy’s kid stops by to say “hi,” and the boys offend as many nationalities as possible.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s TANlaughs were sent in by Chris, Jonathan, and Adam.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***

Things That Are Doin’ It
http://failblog.org/tag/things-that-are-doing-it/

Fitness Fail (Win)
http://failblog.org/2010/07/19/epic-fail-photos-fitness-position-fail/

Statue Fail (Win)
http://failblog.org/2010/07/12/epic-fail-photos-statue-fail-7-4/

Double Rainbow Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI

Double Rainbow Parody Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YI75p8qt21c

Double Rainbow Remix Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX0D4oZwCsA

Oil Spill Article
http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/07/27/louisiana.barataria.bay.well.leak/index.html

This week: Noah goes river rafting, the guys mock Ke$ha and Katie Perry, more condemnation of Mel Gibson, and the boys try to be healthy in an unhealthy world!

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s TANlaughs were sent in by Austin, Melanie, and Alissa.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

A Guide to Christian Threesomes
http://www.sexinchrist.com/threesome.html

Star Trek/Tik Tok (Ke$ha)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZWaWrvJ7nA

Ke$ha with Jiz on Her Chest (Censored)
http://www.hollywoodlife.com/2010/07/12/keha-naked-photos/

Crocs in Socks (Tik Tok Parody)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoHiXaoo07w

Tik Tok vs California Gurls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2dPA2dCRNY

Comedian Sandy Stec
http://sandystec.com/

Mel Gibson Angry Phone Call Part 2
http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2010/07/exclusive-new-audio-mel-gibson-admits-hitting-oksana-threatens-kill-her-listen-it

Chinese Restaurant Prank Call
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0wq6bCiuLo

Crank Yankers Wanda Sykes Call
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QA-on176kc4

Your profile matches three criteria for the following role: JENNY CRAIG WOMAN

Gender: Match

Portrayable Ethnicity: Match

Portrayable Age Range: Match

Description:
SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT WOMAN (NO MORE THAN 20 LBS.) PRETTY, FRIENDLY, AND PERSONABLE…THERE IS DIALOGUE.
WE ARE GOING FOR A SEX IN THE CITY VIBE

So apparently I fit the type for a slightly overweight, sex-in-the city-esque woman. Yeah that makes sense. It’s nice to know that if this casting website ever ran across a call for a skinny, Mulatto dude to tell jokes that it wasn’t sent to me. Because apparently when casting agents look at this…

They see this…

So my audition is Tuesday at 3pm…wish me luck! (Hope there’s no casting couch)

This week acrobats wear Crocs, the boys respond to some Facebook suggestions, Andy hates on Eddie Murphy bloopers, Tim apologizes for last week’s show, and fisting and the Bible are brought together at last!

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s TANlaughs were sent in by Nick, Logan, Andrew (almost), and Johnathan.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Mike’s Superhero Video (NSFW)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUrQugHJtLg

Kelly McCarron’s Tits Twitter Page
https://twitter.com/KellysTits

Mel Gibson’s Ex, Oksana Grigorieva
http://static.thehollywoodgossip.com/images/gallery/oksana-grigorieva-in-lingerie.jpg

Mel Gibson’s Ex, Oksana Grigorieva (Not crazy boobage)
http://image3.examiner.com/images/blog/replicate/EXID33749/images/resized_oksana_and_mel.jpg

Sneak Preview of the iPhone 5
http://www.flickr.com/photos/23301604@N07/4764273405/sizes/l/

Editorial Cartoon About Teaching/Parenting
http://www.caglecartoons.com/images/preview/%7Be4e28807-361d-44b2-8681-b42f76405d24%7D.gif

Fisting and the Bible
http://www.sexinchrist.com/fist.html

This week it’s chivalry v feminism, Dave Chappelle freaks out (again), Mel Gibson is a racist, Tim reviews World of Color, and other crap.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s TANlaughs were sent in by CJ, and Johnathan.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Noah’s Recipe
http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=1646458

Amazon Amanda Sits on Tosh
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=340836&title=amazon-amanda

Mel Gibson Racist Rant
http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2010/07/world-exclusive-mel-gibsons-racist-rant-caught-tape-tells-oksana-she-would-get

Boobs From Last Week
http://www.break.com/index/the-bra-toolbox.html

Tim Performing at Comics and Comics (after a long intro)
http://stickam.com/viewMedia.do?mId=189072656

Drinking buddies Podcast
http://kbeachdrinkingbuddies.podbean.com/

Gordon Ramsey Calls Woman “Old Bag”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKRNRz6VK_k

Gordon Ramsey Tells Woman To Get Her Boobs Off Counter
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OyOOsdWdyMo

This week Noah goes to a spa, the boys talk Toy Story 3, we learn the demise of the TANhouse, a mini Droid v iPhone debate, a discussion of IM clients, swearing at work, and Noah’s “Cooking By the Book” segment is given a fabulous new name!

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s TANlaughs were sent in by Bob, Mike, and Johnathan.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Mr T Mastercard Commercial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q93IG89XSLM

Tim’s Toy Story Article on Cracked.com
http://www.cracked.com/article_18621_the-sadness-toy-story-measured-in-tears-5Bchart5D.html

Just Boobs
http://www.cracked.com/funny-212-boobs/

Another Boob Link
http://i.imgur.com/4GKRR.jpg

Hot Mom Playing Rock Band Naked
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nV-sbVtaeA0

Drinking buddies Podcast
http://kbeachdrinkingbuddies.podbean.com/

Noah’s Turkey Burger Recipe
http://carascravings.blogspot.com/2009/04/thai-peanut-turkey-burgers.html

Freaky Pic of Jermaine Jackson
http://www.imperfectenjoyment.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/jermaine-jackson.jpg

That One Dude’s Cry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee925OTFBCA

To go out on boobs:
http://www.break.com/index/the-bra-toolbox.html

Tineye
http://www.tineye.com/

You’ve seen my chats from Omegle…You’ve seen Andy’s chats with Cleverbot…
Now those worlds come together as I type what people say to me in Omegle into Cleverbot and then copy and paste Cleverbot’s answers into Omegle. Basically, this is involuntary AI chat or a creature I call “RoboDouche.” LET’S DO THIS!!!

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Omegle Stranger: hi
Cleverbot: how are you?
Omegle Stranger: fine
Cleverbot: We’re sorry but your princess is in another castle.
Omegle Stranger: & u
Omegle Stranger: m f
Cleverbot: I don’t know!
Omegle Stranger: why
Omegle Stranger: m
Cleverbot: Cause I don’t know you.
Omegle Stranger: Ajay india
Omegle Stranger: from where
Cleverbot: My friend went once to India.
Omegle Stranger: say me some
Cleverbot: My friends name is Shibi.
Omegle Stranger: when
Cleverbot: NOW.
Omegle Stranger: ur name
Cleverbot: Thank you so are you.
Omegle Stranger: shibi goes,where in india
Cleverbot: Tell me about the queen.
Omegle Stranger: gueen is very beauti& smart
Cleverbot: Do you know what I look like?
Omegle Stranger: no
Omegle Stranger: tell me
Cleverbot: I am very pretty long auburn hair 5’5 green eyes.
Omegle Stranger: i have no
Cleverbot: I have yes.
Omegle Stranger: i m 5’8& blue eyes
Cleverbot: I have hazel eyes.
Omegle Stranger: pls tell me some about u
Omegle Stranger: m f
Cleverbot: I don’t have a me.
Cleverbot: Do you like it there?
Omegle Stranger: i do’nt understand
Cleverbot: AI’s have the ability to understand a lot of things depending on if they have learned it. What do you understand?
Omegle Stranger: i do’nt know first u tell me about u
Omegle Stranger: what’s up
Cleverbot: I’m depressed.
Omegle Stranger: but i m not
Omegle Stranger: from where
Cleverbot: I am very!
Cleverbot: From the bathroom.
Omegle Stranger: what r u doing
Cleverbot: Talking to you. What are you doing?
Omegle Stranger: i m also
Cleverbot: Really?
Omegle Stranger: yes
Cleverbot: really.
Omegle Stranger: i m try to friendship with u
Cleverbot: I think we are already friends.
Omegle Stranger: really
Cleverbot: Yes.
Omegle Stranger: tell me true about u something
Cleverbot: What do you mean?
Omegle Stranger: m f
Omegle Stranger: where do u leave?
Omegle Stranger: live
Cleverbot: Do you like it there?
Cleverbot: You live in Australia.
Omegle Stranger: delhi
Cleverbot: Are you a girl?
Omegle Stranger: boy
Cleverbot: Who do you like?
Omegle Stranger: much girl’s
Cleverbot: Where is the fertile land of the incas?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

I love that the dude didn’t mind that I refered to myself as an AI, that my eyes changed color, and I called him a girl…but the fertile land of the incas was TOO MUCH!!!

Hahahahha…good times! Beware….the next time you’re on Omegle, you might actually be chatting with “RoboDouche!”

Ok…slow down, how about you find me work first before I order 250 business cards for a job I don’t have. What would they say anyway? …and that brings us to this “High Five” list of business cards for the unemployed.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

The result reminded me of a singular truth of the Internet. No, not Rule 34. The other truth.

User: How do I cure achy-breaky heart?
Cleverbot: By giving your own heart.
User: But I only have the one! Won’t I die if I give my own heart?
Cleverbot: Now that is just proposterous.
User: Don’t you mean ‘preposterous’? I don’t believe ‘proposterous’ is a word.
Cleverbot: I am very boring now. It is hard to finish the rearch paper.
User: I’m pretty sure you meant ‘I am very bored now.’.
Cleverbot: I am him. You just don’t know that yet.
User: How Dada.
Cleverbot: You’re a cleverbot you should know that.

…

Cleverbot: Would you like me to tell you a joke?
User: Sure. Go for it.
Cleverbot: It would be to complex for you naive brain to understand. Sorry.
User: Knock knock.
Cleverbot: Who’s there?
User: Yura.
Cleverbot: Yes?
User: You’re a fucking asshole and I hate you.
Cleverbot: ‘Why are you named Cleverbot George? And… Why do you even exist? I mean, you’re a sk^nhead… People should hate you.’.
User: That makes no sense.
Cleverbot: You don’t make sense!!!!!!!
User: Fair enough.
Cleverbot: Do you know george bush.
User: As a personal name, you should have capitalized ‘George Bush’. To answer your question, no, I do not know George Bush.
Cleverbot: No, no se acentúa.
User: Why are you suddenly speaking Spanish to me?
Cleverbot: Have you turned in your tsa money yet?
User: OK, I’m done with this.
Cleverbot: Something in your smile was so exciting.
User: Your sweet words will not win back my affection.
Cleverbot: I’m a girl…
User: Nor will your fancy lady parts.
Cleverbot: I don’t understand what you mean. Do you mean that God will always love us?
User: Why can’t I quit you, Cleverbot?
Cleverbot: Do you believe in god?
User: No, I do not believe in any god, angel, devil, demon, ghost, or other supernatural entity.
Cleverbot: Does that mean you can’t own a gun?
User: Why do I need to believe in the supernatural to own a gun? Are bullets powered by gullibility?
Cleverbot: YOU NEED to believe in GOD so that you can be SAVED from HELL.
User: If there were a shred of evidence that Hell existed, I would agree with you. There is, however, no objective proof that Hell (or God) exists, and I just cannot allow myself to be that intellectually bankrupt.
Cleverbot: God is Dog spelled backwards.
User: This is true. Also, ‘racecar’ is ‘racecar’ spelled backwards.
Cleverbot: No, thats ok.

Maybe someday I’ll learn. Until then, I’ll continue to waste my time and yours on this nonsense.

The question was, “Name a job where people seldom wear their uniforms when off work”

I guessed several things nurse, fast food, cop, fireman…all were up there…things were going fine. Then I threw out the answer “soldier.” I got a strike. Eventually I got 3 strikes and still had two answers left. One of them was “Military.” So I go to my good buddy Noah saying, “Can you believe this BS?”

He says, “not the same thing.”

Noah always has my back. So I throw it to you good people…I say if this were REAL Family Feud and I was at the podium and Richard Dawson were asking me the questions, I would have gotten credit for “soldier.” But this cold, unfeeling computer wasn’t programed for common sense.

Who’s with me?!

This week Geoff joins the crew to discuss E3, the A Team, the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, and the weather. Plus, Tim starts a new game “F**k Facebook Family Feud!”

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s TANlaughs were sent in by Jo, Ellie, and Mike.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Moustalgia’s World of Color Review
http://mousetalgia.libsyn.org/index.php?post_id=625881#

Noah’s TANtweet About Soccer Kicks
http://twitter.com/TANcast/status/16250725471

Drinking buddies Podcast
http://kbeachdrinkingbuddies.podbean.com/

Okay…I’m probably going to catch some flack for this. I know this song has a great message about women valuing themselves and standing up to men who don’t treat them as well as they deserve. I get that and I respect that…as a concept. The execution, however, leaves something to be desired. Let’s check out the first verse…

According to you
I’m stupid,
I’m useless,
I can’t do anything right.

Okay…we’re starting off strong. No woman should put up being told this by anyone…ESPECIALLY not a man who is supposedly in love with them. But I question whether or not the man in this scenario actually SAYS these things. Why? Read on…

According to you
I’m difficult, hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I’m a mess in a dress,
can’t show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

Those are all very irritating qualities and, I would say, legitimate complaints. Do you know what it’s like when you’re trying to get somewhere and the person you’re going with makes you late…over and over again? Well Noah and I do because we lived with Andy for several years…it sucks. We still haven’t stopped giving him crap about that and neither of us is even banging him. (That I know of…Noah?) Being difficult to please and always changing your mind is not fun either. I’m beginning to think the first verses may just be her putting words in his mouth because she can’t take criticism.

But according to him
I’m beautiful, incredible, he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not, according to you.

Oh…I see. You’re working some other guy on the side. Took lessons from Motel and Bryan, did ya? I’m sure that you spending time with some other guy who is obviously sweet on you has absolutely NO detrimental effects on your current relationship. Way to go honey.

According to you
I’m boring, I’m moody,
you can’t take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I’m the girl with the worst attention span;
you’re the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

Really, you don’t sound like the best partner lady. You’re boring and moody, you have a short attention span, and you can’t tell jokes? Sounds like the blind date from hell. Plus, you appear to be overly sensitive when someone points it out. What a great combination. I can hear the wedding bells already.

But according to him
I’m beautiful, incredible, he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not, according to you.

Alright…I hate to burst your bubble, but OF COURSE he says that crap to you. He’s trying to get LAID! Guys say all sorts of things to get laid. I once told a girl I would watch the Blue Collar Comedy Tour with her. I’m not proud of it…but it’s what men do. Especially a man who sees an opportunity like a girl whining and complaining about how her boyfriend doesn’t “get” her. It also doesn’t hurt if she has a hot Australian accent and looks like this:

I’d tell you what you wanted to hear too! (In fact…I hope you never read this blog)

I need to feel appreciated,
like I’m not hated. oh– no–.
Why can’t you see me through his eyes?
It’s too bad you’re making me decide.

I’m guessing he can’t see you through the other dude’s eyes because he’s already hit that. Here’s a secret…sometimes a guy will have sex with a girl and THEN say to himself, “Wait…I don’t like her at all.” I know, it’s not cool. But when you see the chance to get some sweet, blonde, Australian tail; you’ll convince yourself that you are actually interested in more than just sex. But once you’ve had sex and you’re lying there next to a boring, moody, unfunny, procrastinator…you have a change of heart. You’ve got to give this guy credit. At least he stuck around. He didn’t sneak out and not call you again. He’s trying to work on it. He’s trying to get the relationship to a point where he can enjoy your company when you’re NOT naked…

According to me
you’re stupid,
you’re useless,
you can’t do anything right.

Sadly, you seem more interested in lashing out at the one guy who’s giving you honest feedback. Instead of jumping ship and hopping into the sack with the next guy who fills your head with lies about how funny it is when you quote lines from “Two and a Half Men,” maybe you should work on actually being somewhere when you say you’ll be there. No? That’s too bad. I can’t believe Michael Jackson was gonna take you with him on his tour. Maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just hiding from his difficult, hard to please, drama queen of a guitarist.

“I swear, if she shows up to rehearsal late ONE MORE TIME, I’m faking my own death!”

We should write a book for the teen set and soak up the sweet sweet profits. So we set about coming up with the idea (Which is to say, I kept throwing out ideas and my wife tried to go to sleep)

So Harry Potter took wizards and witches, Twilight took vampires and werewolves…so what’s left? We’ve got mummies and zombies! BOOM! Genius! A love story about a zombie and a mummy fighting over the same girl. Both are the walking dead but their worlds are about to collide.

But wait…don’t want to just do a zombie/mummy version of Twilight. We have to add another level. Hmmmm well Dan Brown is also making a crap-ton of money selling his books about religion…what if we make the zombie a Catholic and the mummy a Muslim? Oh yeah…now the whole thing is more than just a teen love story, it’s a metaphor for the east/west culture clash! Can’t you just see all the subtext and hidden meaning? Of course you can’t! It’s hidden. But when you get to the end of the book it’s going to hit you like a ton of bricks and melt your brain (Uh oh…I think I just made the zombie hungry).

But maybe that’s not enough to set our book series apart from the pack. It needs another gimmick. That’s when it hit me…why not set the whole thing in SPACE?! Yes! the woman the two undead creatures are fighting over is trapped on a space station where a supply ship from Earth has dropped of some artifacts for study. An ancient curse awakens the mummies and turns half the station’s personnel into zombies. Now the zombies fight the mummies for control of the station while our heroin does her best to keep out of the line of fire while trying to make it to an escape pod and is befriended by both a zombie and a mummy. She falls in love with both of them but not only does she have to choose between the two…she also has to chose between getting to safety and true love!

Billion dollar book franchise! I dunno why my wife rolled her eyes and went to sleep…this is like printing money! Where’s a book publisher when you need one? All I need now is a title. (None of you better steal this idea! This is MY gold mine!)

Ok…I’m going to put my writing cap on and make an effort to get more blogs on this site. I can’t promise my two cohorts will do the same (In fact, I can more likely promise that they won’t) but damn it, there should be some BLOGS on this blog and if I’ve got to be the one to step up and make that happen, then I shall.

Because a blog with no blogs is wrong, and a comic who isn’t trying to be funny is wrong. And two wrongs…

…make me write.

The boys a monkey (chimp) raping a frog, why you shouldn’t let Tim near your girlfriend if she’s a CSI, SModcast woes, the changing nature of the English language, AT&T’s latest foul ups, the World Cup (WTF?), meeting celebrities, Hermaphrodite sex, and graduation stores.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s TANlaughs were sent in by Tom, David, anonymous, and Jonathan.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Mormon Musical Commercial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNaHUxi6H-U

Showgirls 2 Article (NSFW)
http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/06/09/showgirls-2-red-band-trailer/

“Monkey” Rapes Frog at Zoo Digg link
http://bit.ly/a7gT9U

Chimp and the Frog YouTube Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PI4xVeRjunk

Baboon Asses
http://ladyfi.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/baboon.jpg
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_KItfOW0irx4/ReMTNDm0PUI/AAAAAAAAAD4/bIVeOZ6XMUw/s400/baboon_ass+crop.JPG

Flags of the World
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gallery_of_country_flags

England’s Botched Goal Block in World Cup
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQFqlgpf_w

Dancing with the Stars
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WS05VLrErMo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1RtcTb5F9g

Croc Photo (Thanks CJ and Jason)
http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/Croc-watch.jpg

Dead Dove Release Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1U0C-TL99w

Star Trek iPad
http://mashable.com/2010/03/31/ipad-meet-star-trek/

This isn’t any “inside scoop” or anything, folks. Just me using some screen shots and Photoshop to turn lemons into lemonade!

Drink up, baby!

To celebrate two years of TANcast, the boys talk about their data plans, review Get Him to the Greek, give “advice” on starting your own podcast, discuss sodas and other sweets, and spitball ideas for future Batman movie villains.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s TANlaughs were sent in by Johnathan, Vrej, and Mike.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Noah’s Perfect Steak Recipe
http://www.food2.com/videos/perfect-steak-episode

Patton Oswalt’s Comedy
http://www.hollywood.com/feature/Patton_Oswalts_Best_10_Onstage_Moments/6876427

FilmSack Podcast
http://filmsack.wordpress.com/

Andy’s Muppet Blog
http://tancast.com/2008/06/19/thank-you-intertron/

Word Press
http://wordpress.org/

Blubrry
http://www.blubrry.com/

Jimmy Walker with Ann Coulter WTF?!
http://flashwarner.com/2007/04/ann_coulter_jj_walker_-_am_i_missing_something.html

Andy’s Blog About Ann Coulter
http://tancast.com/2007/06/27/ann-coulter-is-a-waste-of-skin/

Black Guy Who Rants About Random Shit
http://ohhaveyouseenthis.blogspot.com/2010/05/bipolar-weather.html

Batman is Riding Superman…
http://verydemotivational.com/2010/05/18/demotivational-posters-is-riding-superman/

This week is mostly Noah and Andy trying to explain Lost to Tim but somewhere in there Tim tries to uncover the origins of celebrity death jokes, Andy sees Religulous, Glenn Beck pisses off a Catholic priest, and hot cousins are still hot.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Mike and also Mike.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Drinking Buddies Podcast
http://kbeachdrinkingbuddies.podbean.com/2010/05/29/i-used-to-love-guacamole-until-this-show-drinking-buddies-episode-7/

TANcast’s Twitter
http://twitter.com/TANcast

Tron Girls
http://unrealitymag.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/tron-girls1.jpg

Noah’s Silly Link for You to Read
http://i.imgur.com/JR2Ns.jpg

A star studded episode featuring Mignon “Grammar Girl” Fogarty, the guys form the MeanDawg Top 5 Podcast, and the gang from the Mousetalgia Podcast…plus the return of Geoff! Yet somehow, we still managed to have a classless episode filled with talk of Star Trek, Andy getting naked in front of his baby, Noah cracking his head open, kids who don’t appreciate technology, and the effect parenting has on your brain. All this and we still had time to squeeze in some fail! HAPPY 100th EPISODE!!!

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Jairo, Grace, and CJ.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Jairo’s Pic
http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/Ja-Hero-TAN100.jpg

Link to Vote for Tim in KTLA Contest
http://KTLA.com/comedy

LOST Re-enacted by Cats in 1 Minute
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-DShnvNNv0&feature=player_embedded

Tim’s Anti-Comcast “Propaganda”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqVrbB_z7r4

If you’ve never listened to TANcast before, start with this episode. This episode gives you everything you need to enjoy all the other episodes of TANcast. Enjoy!

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Tim Babb’s Kingdom Comedy on YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/user/timbabbcomedian#grid/user/D55FF526E2F1671C

The Pigeon is a Lie T-Shirt (mens)
http://www.cafepress.com/TANcast.418678215

The Pigeon is a Lie T-Shirt (womens)
http://www.cafepress.com/TANcast.418678213

SModcast
http://www.smodcast.com/

Grammar Girl’s Quick and Dirty Tips Podcast
http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/

Behind the Grammar Podcast
http://behindthegrammar.com/

Mousetalgia Podcast
http://www.mousetalgia.com/

Netcot Podcast
http://www.netcot.com

(the Late, Great) Scene Unseen Podcast
http://www.sceneunseenpodcast.com/

Distorted View Podcast
http://distortedview.com/

Meandawg Top 5 Podcast
http://meandawg.com/podcasts/top5/

Stuff You Should Know Podcast
http://www.howstuffworks.com/stuff-you-should-know-podcast.htm

TANcast Store
http://www.cafepress.com/TANcast

The Ice Podcast
http://theicepodcast.weebly.com/

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine “It’s a Fake It’s Real” Video
http://tancast.com/2010/03/20/its-a-faaaaaake-its-reeeeeal/

This week the boys start a metal band, talk poop, review Iron Man 2, try to comprehend the proliferation of MILFs and the supermarket’s high hot woman quotient, discuss the virtues of various American airports, and bemoan hotels that don’t have free internet.

Vote for Tim Babb (the T in TANcast) in KTLA’S “Find Me a Comic” Contest: http://tinyurl.com/TimBabbKTLA

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Melanie and Mike.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Comedian Dan Gabriel
http://dangabriel.net/

Link to Vote For Tim in KTLA Contest
http://tinyurl.com/TimBabbKTLA

The Blog About the TANcast PREPisode
http://tancast.com/2010/04/27/just-a-bit-inside/

Mr T Mothers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_rBidCkJxo

Swagger Wagon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ql-N3F1FhW4

TANcast with Sofia Vergara’s Cleavage as Album Art
http://tancast.com/2009/12/08/tancast-077-we-are-becoming-tmz/

City Jade’s Facebook Page
http://www.facebook.com/pages/City-Jade/172073748760

TANcast’s Facebook Page
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-TANcast/242741254466?ref=ts

Really? You feeling good about this ad, guys? Running a special on DUI’s on Cinco De Mayo? REALLY? YOU HAD to include the sun with the mustache and the sombrero?

Little tip from me to you…don’t do any advertising near, Kwanzaa or Ramadan.

This week Tim is in a rush as the boys talk about upcoming movies, how sitting down is killing us, debate what makes a theme park and discuss Arizona’s immigration law and other legal stupidity.

Vote for Tim Babb (the T in TANcast) in KTLA’S “Find Me a Comic” Contest: http://tinyurl.com/TimBabbKTLA

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaugh was sent in by Murray.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Tim’s Blog for TANcast Insde Jokes
http://tancast.com/2010/04/27/just-a-bit-inside/

Article About Sitting
http://news.yahoo.com/s/bw/20100430/bs_bw/1019b4177071221162

Double Double Down
http://icanhasinternets.com/2010/04/double-double-down-sandwich/

Soy Jisim Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xA0-AUqB-jA

I have a Bad Case of Diarrhea “Work Out” Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5l9gm4ymLw

Kids with Baby Skunks
http://i.imgur.com/gm1DA.jpg

Arizona’s Immigration Law
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20100423/ts_alt_afp/usimmigrationarizonagovernor_20100423223606
A defense of Arizona’s law (better than we provided)
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/29/opinion/29kobach.html

Noah’s Blu(Blue)Ray Porn Blog
http://tancast.com/2009/03/26/i-like-blue-ray-porn-because

Hey guys. I’m in a contest to win a spot on KTLA tv (in LA) as well as a chance to perform at the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club (plus a fat load of bragging rights)

So please vote for me by going here: http://tinyurl.com/TimBabbKTLA I believe you can vote once a day through May 14th. Please vote and forward this link to your friends. You also get to watch a 2 minute video of my comedy so at least you get a little something out of the deal, right?

Any way…thank you in advance for your vote http://tinyurl.com/TimBabbKTLA.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: hello
Stranger: bye
You: good times
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Time elapsed: 45 seconds…total.

I’m very sorry, but this is what I come back with: I found an easy way to spot dick.

There it is:

I spotted it!

It was in the “Ethnic Foods” section at my supermarket! I guess the Brits are “ethnic” if you’re a Southerner. Then again, I was surprised as hell the first time I saw “Mexican” food (salsa and refried beans) in an “ethnic” section, too.

At any rate, now you know where dick can be spotted at any time during normal business hours. You’re welcome.

During non-business hours, Chatroulette is still your best bet.

The time is coming near for TANcast: The PREPisode…the episode that lets any new listeners in on the many inside jokes and references we do every week on TANcast. But, as usual, we need your help…

As we mentioned on episode 97, we’re going to do a “High Five” count down of categories of inside jokes. As we list off each category, we’ll give examples of inside jokes form that category. That’s where you come in. We need your suggestions for inside jokes that fall into one of these 5 categories:

5) The Boys (Tim Andy & Noah)-This would be the place for any characteristics, back story, or habits of the boys that get referenced a lot.

4) Friends & Family- This category will be all about friends we mention on the show.

3) Media- We reference a lot of things from other podcasts, to movies, to TV…this is the place for the ones that stick out the most.

2) Past Segments-We often refer to jokes we’ve done in past episodes. But if the next episode is your first, you would have no idea what we’re talking about. This is the category where we’ll re-cap those bits.

1) Surprise-Not going to tell you what the #1 category is. After all, it would be pretty lame if we made a whole episode that had nothing for our long time listeners to enjoy, wouldn’t it?

Got any suggestions? Don’t worry…you don’t even have to decide what category they fall in (or even if it doesn’t fall into any of them…we’ll make it work). Just leave a comment with something(s) you think people need to know to get the most out of TANcast.

Hurry get your comments in before May 9, 2010!

This week Noah prepares for the zombie apocalypse, Andy has a requiem for a scene, Noah reminds Andy’s wife of Tracey Morgan, Tim gets angry about gay discrimination at a prom, Tim gets put in his place (on a separate topic), Tim is baffled by the success of the Squeakquel, the boys ponder Twitter spam, and TANcast devolves in to the SModcast Cliff’s Notes.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Naxo and comedian Billy Garan.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Students Remake the Opening Scene of A Goofy Movie in Live Action
http://www.boingboing.net/2010/04/20/students-remake-goof.html

Harold and Kumar 3
http://www.busybuzzblogging.com/1141/actor-kal-penn-leaving-white-house-job-for-harold-kumar-3

Andy’s Tweet (That Brings Diminishing Returns)
http://twitter.com/Mysterious_Andy/status/12491721034

Wesley Willis Sings “Rock and Roll McDonalds”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWWsWP9bPAg

Wesley Willis Sings “Such a Cheetah’s Dick
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnCk0uGwFZI

Lesbian Tricked Into Going to Fake Prom
http://www.advocate.com/News/Daily_News/2010/04/05/ACLU_Investigating_Fake_Prom

Morgan Freeman Tries to Desegregate Prom in Mississippi
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prom_Night_in_Mississippi

Andy’s “Real Name” Post from 2009
http://tancast.com/2009/03/31/coming-out-party

This week Tim goes to Vegas, Noah wonders about hooker taxes, Noah reviews Kick Ass, Andy and Tim miss their high school reunions, and the show is cut short due to technical bull crap!

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Murray and Mike.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Drunk Tim with No Shirt
http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/Drunken-Topless-Tim.jpg

Drunken Hasselhoff Video
(likely to be pulled from YouTube)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLhuVxrqvAY

Cracked Article Mentioning Webster (Bottom of page)
http://www.cracked.com/article/135_6-beloved-tv-shows-that-traumatized-cast-members-life/

Having fun in “Sin City.” Talk to you soon.

This week, Andy and Tim celebrate birthdays, Andy bemoans the Metro Atlanta Mass transit cluster fuck, the boys talk about ugly babies, Tim stands up for the naked guy, Andy shares his odd plan for winning the lottery, there’s more iPhone crap, and the boys look to YOU for some help on thier 100th episode.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Michaela, and Gary.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Michaela’s Teetering on Disaster
http://www.michaelarenee.com/TeeteringonDisaster/tabid/65/Default.aspx

“Prevent AIDS, Give a Handy” video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJSaoxaRwIc

Ugly Baby Pics
http://rorr.im/digg.com/health/15_reasons_to_use_birth_control_pics/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=feed%3a+digg%2fpopular+%28popular+stories%29&utm_content=google+reader/

Rapers Delight Poster
http://failblog.org/2010/04/11/epic-fail-photosspelling-fail-13/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+failblog+%28The+FAIL+Blog+-+Fail+Pictures+%26+Videos+at+Failblog.ORG%29&utm_content=Google+Reader

KFC it’s Fake Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtkYEhkCal4

Proud to be a Skank
http://www.cafepress.com/TANcast.425152123

Bath to the Future shirt
http://www.cafepress.com/TANcast.427278836

Funny Dog Video from Alissa
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fl_2YtnH6nA

Health Care Group Blog
http://tancast.com/2010/04/02/the-health-care-debate-continues/

This week, Noah and And talk about the release of the iPad, Tim plans a trip to Walt Disney World, Andy’s has anniversary plans, Noah and Tim love I Love Movies, and the boys close it out with a classic style 15 minute wrap up.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Jo, Joe Anthrax and Mike.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Noah’s leaving the show?!
http://tancast.com/2010/04/01/a-letter-from-the-n-in-tancast/

KFC Sandwich (It’s real!)
http://consumerist.com/2010/04/kfcs-bacon-sandwich-on-fried-chicken-bread-kills-people-everywhere-on-april-12.html

100% Kosher Beef Boxer shorts and Boxer Briefs
http://www.cafepress.com/TANcast.425152110
http://www.cafepress.com/TANcast.432734143

Alyssa’s blog about blogging every day in April
http://thunkedandbefuddled.wordpress.com/2010/04/01/happy-april/

Mr. T’s WoW commercial (Elf Mohawk)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZV0DtmxYFuE

Sarah Palin photo with “3 invisible dicks” caption
http://tancast.com/2010/04/02/im-sorry/

I know, I know…it adds nothing to the political discourse, it doesn’t even have anything to do with Palin and her personality or opinions, and it makes me look like an immature asshole for re-posting it.

…but, damn it, I got me a good laugh outta that bad boy.

“Wish Obama had Micheal Jackson’s Docter…”

“Someone needs to walk up to Obama, look him straight in the eyes, and bitchslap him right across the face.”

“That what happen’s when you start letting FRIED CHICKEN eating mother f er’s run the country ???”

Now in fairness, a number of the group’s members posted disapproving comments on that last one. But the other two had many “likes” and there were plenty of similarly themed comments posted as replies to much more reasoned posts and links. It was enough to make me post the following on my way out:

“I joined this group to be ironic for April Fool’s Day. After reading some posts, I feel bad for you. A few of you have some very valid and interesting points that could really make the debate more productive…but you seem to be surrounded by crying babies who wouldn’t like Obama or the democrats no matter what they did or didn’t do. Good luck with your little group, kids.”

Someone decided to post a reply saying “it’s april 2nd.” Since I had left the group, I couldn’t reply to her so I sent her a message:

“I joined the group on April Fool’s Day. I removed myself today.

Have a great life.
-Tim”

To which she responded:
“already got one… hope the view is nice with your head up your bum =)”

Really? REALLY?! My head is up my bum? Didn’t I just say that this group had “some very valid and interesting points that could really make the debate more productive?” I know I did, actually, that’s why I just quoted it. Way to pick an argument where there wasn’t one. Well, whatever, that was just one comment it’s not like…what? there are more comments on my post now? aw crap…

“Bye Tim..”
Okay that one’s not bad. This might not be the train wreck I was fearing it would be…

“Tim…looks like a pretty big group to me!! Funny, I was just on the opposite sides page. Looks like they don’t have even half of the people here!! Hmm…I guess the majority of Americans have spoken. Sorry kid. ”
1st of all, a million or so people on the internet is not the majority of Americans. A million people isn’t even the majority of the city of Houston, Texas. Second of all the Jonas brothers fan page has 2 million people so, by your logic, the majority of Americans apparently like teen Disney pop.

“i think you need another B in your last name!”
…I don’t know what that means.

“gosh, now I feel bad that you feel bad… oh wait never mind k bye”
Can’t begrudge that comment. It’s a little defensive, but it’s kinda funny.

“Little group? I believe your “support healthcare” group is approximately 96.7% smaller than ours.”
Naturally because I criticize this group I must be a member of the other group, right? OOPS! I’m not. I did, however, pop over to their page after reading this comment. You know what I found? A lot of people from this group over there trolling that group and saying inflammatory shit just to be dicks. Nice, folks. Way to keep it classy. Why won’t they listen to your ideas? Why can’t we find some middle ground where both sides get SOMETHING they want out of this deal? It’s a mystery.

“I think it’s been mostly the last few days that people on here have gotten very frustrated–especially because of some people coming on here just to try to annoy us.

Most of the time most people on here are far from hateful.”
See? THIS is the person I feel bad for. Probably has some excellent points to make that have nothing to do with bitch slaps or racism. But because her group mates say stupid shit, it gets the opposition to say stupid shit and now it’s just a stupid shit volleyball game where no one wins (Yes, I am quite willing to entertain the idea that the opposition said stupid shit first…the result is the same) But sorry, from the posts I read, most of the people on there are very near to hateful.

“Some people here aren’t old enough to vote. My cat is also a part of this group. Not the farty one, the other one.”
I think this is actually a liberal trying to get a rise out of the conservatives. I’m not sure I get it. Liberals can’t you even TROLL well? Sheesh!

“Since when is being a “kid” a bad thing? Age isn’t always an indicator of intelligence.”
Oh look at that, it worked. This person was trolled. But don’t rope my use of the word “kids” into this.

“See ya Tim ya little bitch!”
This was one of the broad minded scholars trolling on the pro-health care bill group. Do you catch his subtle wit and nuance?

“[name removed]-agreed. even the youngsters, such as myself, have more intelligence than the zombies in the other group =)”
The opposition is always a group of zombies but your group is all ways the free thinkers marching in lockstep with each other…riiiiight.

“he said,”Little group”…..”
Yeah…I did…that was a little dicky. But to be fair, the Jonas Brothers still beat your numbers by a big margin.

“tim- you feel bad for us, eh? you didn’t know that april fools day was yesterday, did you? sorry.”
That’s the same girl who made the first comment…I guess she hadn’t read my e-mail at this point (At least I hope not, or she’s a moron)

“Thanks [name removed], I’m 24 and a college graduate. Yet somehow I don’t believe that age or level of education lable a persons intelligence or life experiences, which sometimes teaches us a lot more than formal education.”
It’s always funny to see a spelling error while someone is boasting about their education. But nitpicking aside, point well taken. While reason is not a substitute for knowledge, it’s not unimportant either.

Well, I guess the biggest April Fool’s joke was on me, cause I wasted a chuck of my life reading all that crap. Well played, haters…well played indeed.

I told Tim and Andy last week, and we’ve been talking about “What Happens Next” since then. They both agreed I should be the one to break the news.

The site won’t move and the show won’t change it’s name. I will still be the “N in TANcast” through TANcast 100 (triple-digits!). I will probably do a guest shot every once in a while after that, but from TANcast 101 on it will be Tim and Andy’s show. Andy said he won’t be turning off my access to the site or to email, so I may log in and post something when I have time and something to say.

They are already talking to a few different people about being regular guest hosts and I’m looking forward to listening to it every week.

I’m a little sad, but like the breakup of the TAN House, it had to happen some time.

First off, thanks to everyone who’s been reading my blogs everyday. Special thanks to those of you who’ve been posting your favorites on Facebook, Twitter, etc. Thanks to you folks this little project was a success. Leave a comment as to what your favorite blog(s) were so I can try and expand on those topics in future blogs.

But today is the last day of March so my blogs are going to slow down a bit…because April is chalk full of comedy for me! From Oakland, to Hollywood, to Vegas, to Santa Barbara, to Gilroy, and Morgan Hill…I’ve got a lot of great shows booked every week in the month of April. Check out the posters if you don’t believe me:

See you at the show!!!

So according to this article, Will Smith has signed on to star in TWO sequels to Independence Day. I guess they’re going to shoot them back to back like Back to the Future, Matrix, and Pirates of the Caribbean did (has that strategy EVER produced movies that most people liked?).

But here’s the quite in the article I have to take exception to:

“…the much-beloved epic still has a place in the hearts of both casual and hardcore moviegoers.”

I’m sorry, but WHAT?! This movie is not a “much-beloved epic,” it was a great event movie that falls apart upon closer look. We’ve talked about this on the show before, but from the amazing laptop that can interface with alien technology, to Will Smith’s exoskeleton rattling bare handed punch, to the dog that survives a fireball that destroys Los Angeles…there is a truck load of crap that does not need to be fleshed out into 1 moer movie much less 2.

How much story could they possibly have to tell that they need two whole movies for? Earth is decimated at the end of the first one. If another group of aliens come to invade, Earth is fucked…end of movie.

Plus the director of this is the same genius who gave us Godzilla, The Day After Tomorrow, and 2012. From the looks of things he got lucky with the first ID4 and has been trying in vein to move on to other things and now after failing repeatedly, he’s going back to the well. Just stop, Roland Emmerich, you gave it a shot…you had a great ride, but it’s over. Let sleeping aliens lie.

Before the boys list off their “High Five” Cartoons, we hear Tim’s adventures in Disneyland’s Club 33, Andy’s on-going job excitement, Tim and Noah review Hot Tub Time Machine, and a fantastic original story from CJ.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Gino and Todd.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

The Mousetalgia Podcast
http://www.mousetalgia.com/

Doom Buggies (Haunted Mansion Tribute site)
http://doombuggies.com/

For the Love of SMod video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iu6nbpnEQOw

Tim Babb on Last Comic Standing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzShVI8kT2A

Crispin Glover on Letterman (Three different crazy appearances)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dYjdKbMT_c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws0Xjr58ImY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFePPdrRQdE

Justice League Preview
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6h0oFNNrVk

Robot Chicken Mask Skit
http://video.adultswim.com/robot-chicken/put-a-mask-on-it.html

So I’ve talked plenty about the return of Captain EO to Disneyland. (I even made a Kingdom Comedy video about it) But what if you can’t get to Disneyland to see it in glorious 3D? Fortunately there is me and my tinkering with Photoshop. Look at the picture below (you can click on it to see it full size) then “relax” your eyes and you will see a 3D image. (Kinda like those “Magic Eye” pictures they had in the 90′s…”It’s not a schooner it’s a sail boat.”)

Today I’m providing step by step instructions (with pictures) on how to make the grilled cheese pizza sandwich I described on episode 92.

What is required:
*2 Slices of bread
*”I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spray
*Shredded mozzarella cheese
*Peperoni slices
*Pizza sauce

Step 1: Grab two (2) slices of bread

Step 2: Lie them in a small skillet and spray both sides with “I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter”

Step 3: Remove the top slice and sprinkle some cheese on the bottom slice of bread. (enough to cover the slice)

Step 4: Place slices of pepperoni on top of the cheese

Step 5: Sprinkle some more cheese on top of the pepperoni

Step 6: Replace the top slice

Step 7: Set the heat to “medium”

Step 8: Poor a small amount of pizza sauce into a dipping bowl. Optional: Microwave bowl for 20 seconds

Step 9: Flip the sandwich over when the bottom side gets golden brown (approximately 5 minutes)

Step 10: Remove sandwich from skillet when bottom slice turns golden brown (will happen MUCH faster than first slice)

Step 11: Slice the sandwich diagonally down the center and enjoy!

As I type this, I am one kind of person. When you next hear from me, I’ll be the other kind. Hopefully I will have photos and video to bring back from this trip.

(Actually the phrase “there are only two kinds of people in this world…” is lame because it can be used for anything. “There are only two kinds of people in this world…people who listen to TANcast and people who don’t. Guess which one’s are my favorite?)

Chatroulette is the site getting all the attention, but unless you’re a guy with a piano, you don’t get much actual chatting done. You see someones face and they disconnect, you a new person’s face and they disconnect, you see a guy wailing on his private parts and they disconnect…(Really penis guy? YOU’RE disconnecting on ME?) That’s why I like Omegle. There’s an option for no cameras so you actually have to have conversations before people can disconnect on you. Conversations like these…

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi!
You: no..I say
You: hello
Stranger: lol ok then…
You: becasue that’s how I roll
Stranger: coool
Stranger: your a guy then?
You: I am
Stranger: :/
You: guys say hello?
Stranger: i dont, but im a woman and before you get any ideas im a lesbian
You: too late I had an idea
Stranger: and that was………?
You: what if you made a griled cheese sandwich with peperoni and motzerella cheese in it
You: then got some pizza sause to dip it
Stranger: ok…..
You: it’d be a grilled pizza sandwich
You:: that’s a good idea
Stranger: riiight, bye!!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Who knew that lesbians hated pizza and/or grilled cheese so much?)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hi ask me 5 challenging questions and ill answer it. No ordinary question.
You: Which weighs more: the Empire State Building or the ancient Pyramid of King Cheops?
You: no fair Googling it
Stranger: haha.. mm.. empire state?
You: sure…I have no idea. I just wanted a challenging question for you
Stranger: 4 question left..
You: What is your least favorite smell in the world?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Wow…they couldn’t even make it past question 2. Too bad, because question 3 was, “Why don’t you kill yourself?”)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: HeY
You: howdy stranger
Stranger: I’m fine and u?
You: I’m good
Stranger: From ?
You: California
You: yourself?
Stranger: France
You: Awesome
You: I’ve never been
You: but I’d like to someday
Stranger: Yes it’s a nice country
Stranger: Are you a student?
You: no…I am a stand up comedian
You: are you a student?
Stranger: YEs
Stranger: m/F ?
You: m
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(this is a recurring theme known as “Men are not worth my time”)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hey! I’m a dude
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(See?)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: m/f
You: m
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(The theme is alive and well)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: hi
Stranger: asl
You: 32/m/usa
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Maybe they disconnected because I’m an American this time…I’ll never know…yes I will…it’s ’cause I’m an old dude)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hello
You: hi
Stranger: asld
Stranger: asl*+
You: 32/m/california
Stranger: kool
You: Wow!
Stranger: what
You: The last 5 people disconnected
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Bastard lulled me into a false sense of security with hat “kool.” Damn you! Koooooool!!!)
***********************
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: hi
Stranger: where r u froM///??
You: California
You: you?
Stranger: france
Stranger: r u a horny girl??
You: nope. I’m a bored guy
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(I guess one IS a poor substitute for the other…even in France)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey, asl?
You: Balls
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Heh heh…see what I did? I said “balls.” I should try that again)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: balls
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(HA HA!!! Just as fulfilling the second time)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: heloooooo
You: hellooooo
You:
Stranger: who are you?
You: I’m Batman
Stranger: hello batman im the joker
You: uh oh
Stranger: WHY SO SERIOUS?
You: don’t take any sleeping pills
You: (too soon?)
Stranger: NO
Stranger: FUNNY AS HELL
Stranger: l
Stranger: o
Stranger: l
Stranger: he died
You: that he did
Stranger: so anyway where is the batman from?
You: Batman is from California
Stranger: hey so is the joker
You: oh snap
Stranger: is it a female batman?
You: nope
You: I put the man in batman
Stranger: KJHNASDKL;GNSIOVNOASVNAS
Stranger: GOOOOOOOBYE
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(I think the Joker had a stroke there at the end. But really, how is he surprised? Why would a girl call herself “Batman?” She would go with “BatGirl” or better yet, “Wonder Woman.”)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger:: im horny!
You: lets fuck
Stranger: m or f?
You: m but if you close your eyes it’s all the same, baby
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Some people are just close minded)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: oh yeah
You: it’s chattin’ time!
Stranger: How are you today?
You: I’m good
You: you?
Stranger: I just saved $43 thanks to TANcast.com
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Ok this bot/turd didn’t really say “TANcast.com” but fuck if I’m going to advertise for him)
***********************
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: hey
You: what’s crackin’?
Stranger: nothing nigga
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(How’d they know I was Black? Spooky)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hi
Stranger: May your ancestors be struck by a thousand dicks!
You: in the past?
Stranger: hmmm
You: is that a time travel curse?
Stranger: your mother is a man.
You: that is physically impossible
Stranger: My shoe on your head, pig!
Stranger: you are as ugly as a salad.
You: salads are ugly?
You: I think cucumbers are adorable
Stranger: May you be raped by a blind bear in the forest!
You: what kind of blind bear?
You: Grizzly?
You: Brown Bear?
Stranger: My dick in your conscience!
Stranger: I shit on your dead!
You: I don’t think you make sense
Stranger: Oh that sucks. I’ve spent the last three years majoring in English at Stanford…
You: I go to Stanford too!
Stranger: what is your major?
You: Applied Mathematics
Stranger: cool
You: are you on campus now?
Stranger: yeah
You: wanna meet up at PF Changs next door?
Stranger: no
You: That way I can fuck you in your eye socket!!!
You: BOOM!!!!
Stranger: right…
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(I guess this was insult practice for this person…but joke’s on them…I don’t go to Stanford! HA!)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: hey hey
Stranger: whatsup faggot
You: you are the one who is the one who is the faggot
Stranger: YES
Stranger: I AM
Stranger: suck my hairy mouth
You: is it hairy INSIDE or just like a beard?
Stranger: i dont have a beard u retard. im a girl.
You: I thought you were a faggot
Stranger: i have herpes
Stranger: and
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Can you call lesbians “fagots?” That was not my understanding. Where is that lesbian who doesn’t like ideas when you need her?)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: male
Stranger: hello
Stranger: you male o female?
You: male
You: I knew you were gonna ask
Stranger: bye bye
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(At least this dude said “bye bye”)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hello i really dont care about ur age and from so… tell me the truth that how old are you and where are you from?
You: 32 old dude from California
Stranger: hey
You: hey
You: how’s that grab ya?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Nobody likes a liar)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Are you a horny girl willing to gave webcam sex or sext with me?
You: yes
Stranger: asl?
You: first send me $20
You: I’m a cyber whore
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Uh oh…my cyber pimp is gonna beat me tonight)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: I’m a 32 year old dude from California…wanna disconnect?
Stranger: yes
You: go for it
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(It’s good to get it over with quickly and move on)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: I’m a 32 year old dude from California…wanna disconnect?
Stranger: m or f?
You: you’re an idiot
Stranger: shut up
Stranger: fuck u
You: well what do YOU think “dude” means?
You: stumped you, huh, moron?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(I’m amazed that person knew how to work a computer much less the internet)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi asl
You: 32/m/USA
You: 3
You: 2
You: 1
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Nailed it!)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: PASTA
You: um…garlic bread
Stranger: YOU’RE DOIN’ IT WRONG
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Anyone know the RIGHT answer here?)
***********************

So I’m looking for gigs today to try and bring a little money in and I spot one for being an extra…in a porno. …and I’m considering it.

First off, it’s not like I’d be in there humping or even naked. I’d just be a dude in the background. And how many people can honestly say, “Yeah, I was in a porn once.” That’s kind of a cool story, right? Well…I guess it’s s cool story title, once you found out I was just standing in the background it’d be way less cool. But think of the story to be told on TANcast after THAT! I’m sure something funny would have to happen on the set, don’t you think?

The downside would be that I’m pretty sure my wife would not approve of me watching other people having sex live. In fairness, I haven’t asked her yet, but I can’t see that reaction being positive. “Oh yeah, honey, please go hang out with a bunch of sweaty naked people. But first, hold still while I stab you in the neck” Plus this would kill any chance of a future career in politics (as if TANcast hasn’t done that already).

The biggest thing is that’s what you always hear about actor-types who have lost hope…they had to turn to porn.

After returning home from the DMV today, I tweeted a simple thought, “DMV=Overhated.”

People love to talk about the DMV like it’s the 7th layer of hell, but really it’s just a little waiting and then they help you out and you’re on your way. Technically, if I had made an appointment, I wouldn’t even have had to have waited (I feel like Grammar Girl would have a field day with that sentence…or an aneurysm).

So I got a response on Facebook from one of my old high school…NO..make that grade school friends (damn, we really go back). He leans more republican, if I had to guess, and he had this to say, “Just think – if the DMV is Government run, how much do you think people are gonna LOVE Obamacare?!”

Now in fairness, “overhated” is not a widely used term (so much so, that I thought I’d made it up). So he probably didn’t realize I was defending the DMV, not complaining about it. So I clarified, “…by “overhated” I mean that people hate on it without just cause. I was just at the DMV and things went just fine…there goes your Obamacare analogy.

However, I shudder to think how bad it would be if a private company like Comcast ran the DMV….ugggh…I just gave myself a fear chill.”

And this is, what I’ve always thought to be the fundamental difference between liberals and conservatives…and it’s the one that makes the most sense to me. One side thinks the government is the enemy, the other side thinks corporations are the enemy. I would say there are valid arguments for and against both. Almost as though one answer would not be right 100% of the time. Almost as though the two sides should be striving for compromise on a case by case basis. I wouldn’t want the government in control of the entertainment industry, on the other hand I don’t want the private sector in charge of national defense (“What? We can make more money if we surrender the country to China? Well then…how do you say ‘we surrender’ in Chinese, bitches!”)

On the other hand, could the prison systems benefit by the private sector getting involved? I don’t know…maybe. It’s an interesting conversation. Could more government regulation have prevented this banking mess we’re in? I’m almost sure of it. Again that seems like a constructive debate that we could be having right now.

But no. It’s all Bush is a fascist or Obama is a socialist. People, c’mon…democrats are not trying to ruin this country and neither are republicans. Each just has a different idea about the best way to make it better. We’re not enemies, folks. We’re neighbors and countrymen (and women). There are plenty of people who ARE rooting for America to fail and crumble. Maybe if we quit fighting among ourselves, we can collectively come together and give those assholes a united middle finger of freedom!

It is important to point out that this whole train of thought started because I went to the DMV. God bless America!

“I’m Tim Babb and I approve this message”

So today I was designing a new shirt for the TANstore and I realized that between the TANstore and the official Tim Babb Comedy Shop, I’m probably putting waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time into this. But what can I say? I think these shirts would be fun to wear. In fact I’m trying to pick the one I’m going to buy for my birthday…

the 100% Nerd shirt

The Comcrap shirt

The Translate Server Error shirt

I know you need a closer look at that logo…

(The Chinese characters actually spell out “Translate Server Error”…at least, I think they do. Actually, it might be funnier if they don’t)

3 O’clock Parade Shirt

I’m not so much designing these stores so that other people will buy things as I am trying to make things for me So Happy birthday to me, I guess!

I don’t really have anything wacky to share this time. Today would have been my dad’s 76th birthday. (He passed away in 2007). I am, of course, sad that he’s gone but I do realize that I’m lucky.

I’m lucky that I didn’t have one of those estranged relationships with my dad. We had great times. He is partly the reason (or partly to blame) for my sense of humor. I know he went to his final resting place knowing that I loved him and I know he loved me. He was always a part of my life. He got to meet my wife before he died.

But on days like today, I can’t help but be a little sad that I can’t call him up or drop by and say hello. So I’m posting this blog about him. I don’t know if it accomplishes anything (Do they have internet access in heaven? If not, is it TRULY heaven?). I just know it makes me feel good in an odd way to miss my dad. Okay…eyes are watering…gotta get back to telling jokes about Disneyland or something.

…oh by the way…If you still can, go call your dad…and your mom.

This week includes celebrity scandals and apologies, more news about the career path of Andy, Tim’s visit to Star Trek the Exhibition, more fun with chatroulette, Tim’s dark secret, Noah’s Repo Men review, Andy’s Alice in Wonderland review, the triumphant return of Croc mocking, and a look at the late night world without Conan.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Jerry Brandt, and Mike.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Tim’s Blog with the Deep Space Nine Clip
http://tancast.com/2010/03/20/its-a-faaaaaake-its-reeeeeal/

Full clip from Deep Space Nine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xKo6-xu6dc

Andy’s Out of Town Job Offer Blog
http://tancast.com/2010/03/10/whats-the-going-rate-for-that/

Words, words, words, words… T Shirt Available at the TANstore
http://www.cafepress.com/TANcast.425152121

“My God is an Atheist” Bumper Sticker
http://www.cafepress.com/TANcast.436639382

Piano Improv on Chat Roulette
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTwJetox_tU

Ben Folds Chatroulette LIVE
http://gizmodo.com/5498426/ben-folds-takes-chatroulette-on-stage-with-ode-to-merton

Copy and Paste Twins
http://www.break.com/pictures/copy-and-paste-twins1777182.html

Ginormous Boobs
http://www.gorillamask.net/index.php?show_page=gallery&show_fullsize=18798&page_id=29420

“I Sucked His Cock” says Kirk (gif)
http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/kirk-sucked-his-cock.gif

Variations on “It’s a fake”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXWQIiFxjbc

Croc pics sent to Andy
http://www.splotchy.com/images/blog/negspace/3/crocs.jpg

Stripping Disney Characters (NSFW)
http://blogs.ocweekly.com/navelgazing/dishney/photos-ariel-belle-and-minnie/

Mickey Mouse wearing Crocs
http://www.cracked.com/photoshop_62_the-awful-secrets-25-famous-cartoon-characters_p3

119 ways to store and organize your cats
http://brainz.org/119-ways-store-and-organize-your-cats/

There was something I wanted to say on this week’s TANcast but we were having too much fun to get serious…

I want you to know, I don’t dismiss what you say in the health care debate out of hand. You raise valid concerns about tort reform, the debt, etc. I’m willing to acknowledge that the bill that passed isn’t perfect. A constructive debate that improved it would have been a great thing for the past year.

But could you please get someone from your party to publicly denounce shit like this…?

Look, I know that’s not what the movement is about. But we keep seeing more and more racist, homophobic, and small minded behavior…and it pisses me off that no one tries to squash it. I’d just like to hear some republican leaders say, “To all of you who would bring your message of hate to this debate, please go home. We’re trying to make this country better, not worse. Racism isn’t welcome here. Belittling the lower class isn’t welcome here. Our plan for a better America free of government interference does not include bigotry and hate.”

But no one will say that because you can’t chastise those people…they’re your base. But, trust me, guys…they’re not gonna flip sides! You could call them all “shit eating fuck sticks” straight to their faces and they’re still not going to vote for the “communist” democrats. So grow a sack, knock of all the hyperbole about tyranny and socialism, tell the Jr. Klan Members of America to go fuck themselves, and get back to get back to giving an alternative to what we should be doing instead of just telling us what we SHOULDN’T be doing.

Speaking of people who need to grow a sack, liberals…you’re letter is coming soon.

Today, I went to see the Star Trek Exhibit at the Tech Museum in San Jose with my friends Stephanie and (friend of TANcast) Geoff. While the exhibit was fun, it leaves you a bit under whelmed if you’ve been to Star Trek: The Experience in Las Vegas (Still waiting for that to re-open, by the way…WTF Vegas?)

But while there, Geoff and I got to talking about Star Trek: Deep Space Nine..specifically the “acting style” of Captain Sisko, played by Avery Brooks. He was over the top in a way that might even make Shatner jealous. And that reminded me of the following mash up I’d seen on YouTube some time ago: (you will be tempted to fast forward…don’t…experience it in full, as it was intended)

I can’t quite tell you why I find that so funny…but, damn it, I do! First off, I enjoy watching Brooks crew the shit out of that scenery. Secondly, the way the remix kicks in only after it’s been on a loop for about a minute straight really tickles me. I was talking with Steph’s boyfriend today about that phenomenon of repeating something until it’s no longer funny…and then you keep repeating it until it’s funny again. I don’t know what that works but it truly is a way to make me laugh…and it’s real…it’s reeeeal! Don’t you understand?! IT’S REAL!!!!!!

I got the impression that a few people thought my previous blog about Back to the Future indicated that I didn’t like the movie or that I thought the temporal paradox made the movie less enjoyable…far from it. The Back to the Future series is one of my all time favorites and so as a show of support, I shall defend this beloved movie from the criticisms leveled at it by the Now Playing Podcast. These criticisms are numbered but not in any special order. They’re just in the order I scribbled them down while re-listening to the episode and washing dishes. Also, there are 3 guys on the show Brock, Arnie, and Stuart…I didn’t keep track of who said what. So when I don’t name names below, it’s not to be insulting or anything. It’s just bad note taking. And now, you’ve gotta come back with me…

Criticism #1: Bad/Crammed Writing
One of the guys on the show contends that there is no joy in the way everything is set up and then ultimately pays off. I couldn’t disagree more. That is one of the major joys of this film. From Loraine’s story of the dance, to Doc’s story of the Flux Capacitor, even to Old Man Peabody’s pine trees…everything that comes into play finds a way to come in to play again to service the story. The guy says that he though every line “felt like homework,” I say this is a movie that rewards you for paying attention and doesn’t waste your time with an interminably long pod race.

Criticism #2: Micheal J. Fox is wrong for the role of Marty because He’s not a “rocker”
Again one of the boys over there at Now Playing contend that Michael J. Fox was miscast because Marty is supposed to be a “rocker” and Michael J. Fox is clearly not that. No, sir! Marty is every dork who WANTED to be a rock star. He’s the identifiable guy trying to raise his station in life. That’s why we root for him. “You go boy, you do what I can’t do and sit at the cool kids table.” You know who was miscast? Hayden Christensen as Anakyn Skywalker. (Two! Two prequel bashes…ha ha ha!!!)

Criticism #3: The DeLorean suddenly stalls out at the end
Just before the climactic lightning bolt/clock tower scene, the DeLorean stalls out and Marty can’t get it started. The question is posed, “when did the DeLorean start having engine problems?” He contends it’s never set up in tn the movie before that point. It IS set up when Marty first arrives in the 50′s. After Marty escapes the Peabody’s Farm, the car stalls out and Marty can’t get it started again which is why he has to hide it.

Criticism #4: Marty “forgetting” about what 88mph means/being too confused about being in the 50′s
When Marty first travels through time, he’s in the DeLorean being chased by terrorists (Aw crap! Now this blog just got flagged…everyone wave hi to the NSA. Sorry to waste your time, fellas. You’re doing a great job keeping us safe, though. Keep at it.). So at one point he says, “Let’s see if you bastards can do 90,” and one of the Now Playing guys thought it was inconceivable that he’d forgotten what happens at 88. Well, first of all let’s see what kind of details you recall when there’s a bazooka pointed at you after you’ve just watched your friend die. Secondly, he didn’t even know the time circuits were on. There is a shot where he’s shifting the car and his arm bumps the time circuits and turns them on. He is probably quite surprised when he ends up in 1955.

And as to the point of it being unrealistic that he was so confused about being there. How can the human brain have ANY reference for traveling through time? That’s like if you woke up tomorrow and everything in your town was different and you were the only one who knew…that would mess with your head.

Criticism #5: The movie doesn’t get good until we get to the 50′s
I’m sorry…this movie is good start to finish. The long opening shot in Doc’s lab, the band audition, the reveal of the DeLorean…all great, compelling stuff. Not to mention the race to save Doc’s life. I wholeheartedly disagree with the guy who said that you didn’t care what happened to Doc it was just “plot inertia” at the end of the film. I care for many reasons not the least of which being that you can clearly see that Marty cares.

Criticism #6: Earth Angel/Johnny B. Goode wasn’t necessary

Are you kidding? Of course it was necessary! Would everything that happened between George, Lorraine, and random raid haired bully who shows up have gone down the same way without Marty there? No. As Marty says, “If there’s no music, they can’t dance. If they can’t dance, the can’t kiss. If they don’t kiss, they can’t fall in love.” It pays of Loraine’s line in the beginning that kissing George on the dance floor was when she knew she wanted to marry him. PLUS it pays off Marty’s line where he laments that he’s “never gonna get a chance to play in front of anybody.” Marty finally gets to play the dance that his band was rejected from at the beginning of the movie. Marty completes his arc and at the same time resolves the love story in the movie. More of that great screen writing.

Criticism #7: Geroge McFly can’t be a successful author if we see his first book being published in 1985
I will admit to having this same thought as a kid, but if you actually pay attention, at the end of the movie when Biff brings George McFly’s book into the house, Loraine doesn’t say it’s his first “book” she says its his first “novel.” So it is conceivable that George has been writing non-fiction and/or short stories up to this point. He could have been writing self help books. He had a profound change of life experience. I could see a creative mind spinning that into a book teaching others how to shape their lives. Also, maybe the reason they are still in the same house is that they aren’t rich yet. If this is George’s first novel, maybe the big bucks are just about to start rolling in (hence the gift of a truck to their baby boy). So he’s been getting work as an author to this point, but now he’s getting his big pay day.

Criticism #8: Christopher Lloyd is a bad/over the top actor
Having not seen much of Lloyd’s work outside of Back to The Future, Star Trek III, and Angels in the Outfield (look for me in the stands), I can’t speak to him as an actor in general…but he is magnificent in this film. Sure he plays it broad a lot but there are quite a few soft moments that really drive home the friendship between Doc and Marty. I will grant that it’s never explained WHY they’re friends, but it’s clear they are good friends.

Criticism #9: Lea Thompson/Thomas F. Wilson are not as good in their 80′s incarnations
This couldn’t be more wrong. They both play middle aged so well. Lea especially has a great contrast between her character at the beginning of the movie, her character in the 50′s, and the altered version of her character at the end of the film. I liken it to Christopher Reeve’s Clark/Superman, so many great, perceivable, constructive differences in the characterization. I mean obviously she’s going to nail the younger version of Lorraine (come to think of it, I’d like to nail the younger version of Lorraine…hey-o!) but to pull of that repressed, broken, alcoholic housewife AND that total 80′s MILF…very impressive. I was similarly impressed with Tom Wilson’s Biff. He wasn’t quite to the same level as Thomson but he did a praise worthy job as well. Plus he signed my copy of the Back To the Future soundtrack and is a stand-up comic like me:

Okay he plays the guitar and headlines where ever he goes…but other than that, we’re basically the same.

Ok…that’s all I wrote down. I’m sure there were more criticisms of the film but this blog is long enough as it is. Also to be fair to the Now Playing guys, one of the three seemed to be a huge fan of the film and did a good job singing its praises and defending it. Also the guy who leveled a lot of these criticisms admitted that this was a good movie and he was just being “nit picky.” I can relate to that as a Star Trek fan who loves to take the piss out of Star Trek, but I feel like it comes from a place of love when I do it. On this show, it felt like the dude had genuine problems with the movie and only begrudgingly liked it. So I just wanted to come to this poor movie’s defense. BTTF is my BFF!

But I really have to say thank you to the Now Playing folks, for prompting me to think about this ol’ film and revel in all the things I enjoy about it.

So one of my Facebook “friends” posted the following picture with the caption “Irony defined” attached to it:

Really, chuckles? You’re gonna go with “irony” on that one? I’m no Grammar Girl, but I’m pretty sure I can define Irony:

irony
1 : a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other’s false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning —called also Socratic irony
2 a : the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony c : an ironic expression or utterance
3 a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity b : incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play —called also dramatic irony, tragic irony

(Source: Merriam-Webster)

As it applies to the photo, I think we’re looking at point 3 in the definition, “incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result.” So tell me what is incongruous about a truck with flames painted on it catching fire? Nothing. That’s not ironic, it’s oddly fitting. I think a better caption would be “Overkill Defined.”

If you really wanted to go with “Irony defined” as your caption, you could use this picture:

(Is it ironic that I’m spending a whole blog harping on grammar when this blog undoubtedly has a ton of grammar mistakes in it? I believe it is.)

I was getting my wife’s car smog checked today (Aw yeah) and I was listening to TANcast’s new nemesis the Now Playing Podcast in the unused garage/waiting room. Then two old ladies drive up and ask me something (I couldn’t here over Arnie mocking Friday the 13th Part 3). Since the way the garage/waiting room was set up made it look like I was a grease monkey on a break, I pull off my ear buds and say, “I’m sorry. I don’t work here.”

Then the lady asks me where a certain hospital is. I had heard of it but didn’t know where it was. I asked her for the address and she gives me the directions from her house. (As we were not at her house, this was decidedly unhelpful). So she tells me a street name that I know but I’m not sure where it is in relation to where we were so I say, “I don’t know.”

For some reason, people can not deal with that as an answer. She tries to re ask the question a few times…adding no new information and I still don’t know. Then she asks if there’s someone I can ask. I tell her again, “I don’t work here. I don’t know these people.”

Again, that’s not good enough. So she keeps at me until a guy who works there happens to walk by and I ask him. He goes back and forth with the lady in broken English and eventually she’s on her way (probably to get lost and become someone else’s problem)

So here’s where I’m torn…am I a douche for not being more concerned with helping a fellow citizen? Especially an elderly lady who was taking her elderly lady friend to the doctor? I feel bad, but I honestly didn’t know. Maybe I should have felt more compelled to figure something out to get these ladies help.

On the other hand…I was just sitting there minding my own business. I didn’t offer my help and I didn’t ask to get involved…why is it fair that just because she happened to run into me it has to be MY responsibility?! Why is the onus dumped on me? Fuck you, old lady! I don’t know, ask somebody else. I don’t want to do your leg work just because you’re too old to read those directions.

…yup. I’m a dick.

Back to the Future is a classic piece of 80′s cinema. The sequels aren’t bad either, despite what those hammer heads at the Now Playing Podcast say. But the sequels don’t actually exist, because there is a sequel that we never saw…because it would be too depressing…I’m talking about “Back to the Future Part 1.5.” To set this up, we have to go back to the first movie…

Not as much Huey Lewis and antics this time

I’m sure most of you have seen the movie, but just to hit the important points: Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox…duh) is a high school student who’s parents (Lorraine and George) are in a sad, depressing state and he gets shot back in time and interferes with his parents meeting each other. Marty then has to intervene to make sure his parents meet and fall in love or else he’ll never be born. In intervening, he changes the nature of his parents’ relationship and ends up fundamentally altering his father’s personality. So when Marty returns to the future he finds that his parents are happier, healthier (and since it was the 80′s, wealthier) human beings and that life is a great deal sweeter than it used to be.

Pictured: Success in the 80′s

Well that’s all well and good but let’s take a half step back to where Marty arrives back in 1985. He shows up at the Lone Pine Mall in time to see his past self jump in to the time machine and head back to 1955. Except that’s not really his past self. The Marty at the end of the movie (Who we’ll call Marty II from now on) didn’t live the same life as Marty. Marty II grew up in this sweet life with these happy, successful parents. He’s never heard the story about how Loraine’s dad hit George with his car and they fell in love. Marty II has only heard the story where Biff tried to rape his mom (yipes!) and George came in and knocked him out with one punch. So when Marty II goes back in time, he’s going to be more than a little shocked to see George as the whimpering coward he was in 1955. Not to mention that when Marty II gets hit by the car and he wakes up in Lorraine’s room with her fawning all over him, he’s not going to have any reference for that.

“This is NOT what I meant by ‘MILF’”

So in the first movie Marty knew that he had messed up the George getting hit by the car thing so he came up with a plan to get George and Lorraine together at the dance by creating a situation where George would have to defend Lorraine’s honor. But in Back to the Future Part 1.5, Marty II doesn’t think he’s interfered yet. He probably still thinks Biff is going to try and rape his mom at the dance. And until that night doesn’t happen the way it did in the first movie, history hasn’t been altered and the photo wouldn’t start to erase itself. So Doc and Marty II would just chill at Doc’s place for a week.

“We’re gonna get this helmet to work it it takes all week”

So Marty II wouldn’t befriend his father, he wouldn’t end up taking Lorraine to the dance, Biff wouldn’t yank him out of the car and go after Lorraine, and George wouldn’t show up to stop Marty only to find Biff. But the lightning bolt and the clock tower are still on schedule. So Marty II still has to leave the night of the dance…the point in time in which history HAS changed and THEN the photo will start changing. But he will be too busy getting the DeLorean up to 88 in perfect time to hit the wire.

“That’s weird, I never noticed Dave’s hair was cut off in this picture”

Unfortunately, Marty II will arrive in a 1985 where he was never born. George will never have sacked up to confront Biff and Lorraine still will have no idea who George is. So they will never get married, they will never have Marty II, and Marty II can never go back in time and push George out of the way of that car…which will mean they do get married and they have Marty who goes back in time and changes history, and then results in another Marty II who doesn’t, which results in a Marty who does, which results in a Marty who doesn’t, which results in the unraveling of the very fabric of the space time continuum and the destruction of the entire universe.

Now we’ll NEVER see the hoverboards

Nice job, Marty…you’ve killed us all.

So it’s no surprise that when I was giving my address out to get something shipped to me, I gave the wrong address. Not the COMPLETELY wrong address, I just hit the wrong number for my apartment so that my package got shipped to my neighbor’s apartment. Fortunately I figured this out after the package didn’t come for a few days. So I left my neighbors a note thinking I would never hear back and the package was lost forever.

Much to my surprise, my neighbor just came by, gave me the package (unopened or even tampered with, I must add), and was super, super nice about it. Not once did she say, “Hey idiot! Don’t send shit to our place!” …not even ONCE!

So thank you neighbor. In a world of douches you are the anti-douche…and you might just save us all!

Andy faces a job dilemma, Tim visits Santa Cruz, Andy makes his wife cry, the boys talk TV (24, Nip/Tuck, Numb3rs, House, Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother), the boys bust Blockbusters new late policy, Noah ponders the runaway Prius, Josh From The Mickey Mouse Club (MMC) turns 33, the boys return to Chatroulette, and the mysteries of Lent.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Ellie, Gary, and Logan.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Andy’s Post About His Job Opportunity
http://tancast.com/2010/03/10/whats-the-going-rate-for-that/

Tim’s Comcast Commercial Mockery
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqVrbB_z7r4

Chatroulette Troll Video Link Tim Says you Should Ignore
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Gxbv2G9Ctc

The Actual Chatroulette Troll Video Tim Was Talking About
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfMDGPMQu_s

Tim’s Captain EO Kingdom Comedy Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AILQVaXBW8

Tim’s Blog About his Fortune From Panda Express
http://tancast.com/2010/03/12/really-thats-my-fortune/

I blame daylight savings time. I was all set to go and the n BLOOP it was tomorrow. Nothing I could do. I was a victim of a vanishing hour.

…ok in all honesty I was hanging with the wife yesterday and in a contest of wife vs blog, wife wins every time.

Tell ‘Em Steve Dave is a podcast featuring Brian Johnson and Walt Flanagan, tow friends of Kevin Smith who have been recurring guests on SModcast. Walt, in particular has been there for two of the funniest SModcsat moments. And now they have a podcast where they do what Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier used to do.

You see before SModcast started being all about how great weed is and the wonders of Wayne Gretzky, it used to just be two guys telling stories. While there are still glimmers of that showing through on SModcast, it feels much different these days. Especially since it seems like Scott Mosier has been absent a lot lately. But based on the first few episodes of Tell ‘Em Steve Dave, it seems like this is a podcast that brings the random humor and comradery that inspired TANcast back.

So I have to say, I’m looking more forward to Tell ‘Em Steve Dave than the next SModcast.

Really Panda? You’re not even trying anymore! Fortunes used to actually take a risk and says something was going to happen to you. Then they pussed out and just started to give advice. (“Don’t poke a stick in your eye” or something real bold like that). Now, it’s just “Ask Your Mom.” That’s just pathetic. No one could come up with something better than that? THose peopel who BS their way through horoscopes come up with 12 things every day. Just rip off one of those…sheesh.

Plus…this would totally ruin the “Between the sheets” game (Also known as “in bed.”)

In 1984, the final Muppet movie to feature Jim Henson was released. It was called “The Muppets Take Manhattan.” The story follows everyone’s favorite felt family as they go from college to New York to try and sell their play, “Manhattan Melodies” on Broadway (It is never explained how or why they write a play about Manhattan without ever stepping foot in New York…or how it could possibly be good, but more on that later). Since Broadway had a shortage of kiddie themed shows at the time (this was pre-Lion King or Beauty and The Beast), Kermit is able to sell the show.

“Yeah I just sold the show. What could go wrong?”

Unfortunately, right after Kermit sells the show he goes missing when he gets hit by a taxi and develops amnesia (which is much better outcome than what happens to MOST frogs when they get hit by cars). The rest of the cast and crew spend two weeks prepping the show and looking for Kermit. Finally it is opening night and Kermit (still with amnesia) somehow finds himself backstage at the show just before curtain time. Miss Piggy gives him a good karate chop and his memories come back (because that’s how that would work).

Still better medicine than Kaiser.

So they catch Kermit up on the fact that it’s opening night and it’s time to start the show. Kermit is hesitant because he says there’s still something “missing” form the show (oh…he’s been saying that the whole movie…did I forget to mention that? Ah well) They convince Kermit to go on anyway and on the way to the stage they pass a bunch of random Muppets (frogs, bears, chickens, etc) and Fozzie asks if they can watch the show from backstage and Kermit decided THAT is what has been missing, “More frogs, and dogs and bears..and whatever! You’re not gonna watch the show, you’re gonna be IN the show.” …and that brings me to the point of this blog.

“C’mon gang. You’re going to help tear open a plot hole! Yaaaay!!!

How in the world did Kermit re-work the script and give it to these new “actors” in time for them to learn their parts?! I mean Kermit makes this call LITERALLY on his way to the stage…seconds before the opening number! Then the open number is maybe 15 seconds long and BOOM…all these people who had no idea they were going to be in a play a minute ago are all of a sudden in costumes and singing and dancing like they’d been planning this for years.

“I can see how we planned this in less than a minute.”

And they have all these elaborate props and moving scenery…where did that come from? None of the original cast is in the second number? Did they have all that laying around? If so, this could perhaps be the best improv troupe EVER!

“Hey you use that cut out of a bus, I’m going to dress like a police officer and direct traffic.”

“we’re gonna put on these construction hats and put up this ‘Dogs At Work’ sign”

“Wow…lucky they were expecting some talking/singing dogs to come by the theater.”

“Every theater has this stuff, right?”

Then we jump to the finale, the wedding of Kermit and Piggy in a huge church set. No wonder Kermit thought something was missing. If it hadn’t been for all of those extra “actors” most of that church would be empty. That’s just poor set design. Why design a church that seats hundreds if your play has 11 actors in it? No wonder Broadway tickets are so expensive. Wasteful…just wasteful. Thank goodness Kermit was able to make that work with only a few moments of rational thought.

How are Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem in the second row on the left if they are in the orchestra pit playing the music?

But lets put all that aside for a second. It’s a good thing that the film ends immediately after the play’s finale so we don’t see the audience riot and the Muppets get run out of town on a rail. From curtain up to the end of the play, Manhattan Melodies is 7 minutes and 32 seconds long. I know some guys out there have wished that Broadway musicals were that short…but it is not the case. Most Broadway shows are longer than the entire Muppets Take Manhattan movie.

Look out behind you , green guy…they’re coming with pitch forks!

But we’ll set length aside for a second as well…let’s focus on the “plot” of Manhattan Melodies. The play starts with a bunch of animals singing about how it’s great to be “together again.” Okay…but who are you and why weren’t you together before this? Do we get to find out? Nope! When the number ends they all disappear to reveal a busy Manhattan street where there is a breaking front page news story. What is that story? “Somebody’s Getting Married.”

I guess crime was on vacation that day

Yes, it is the slowest news day in the history of Manhattan…and perhaps the world. The entire city seems to be a buzz with the news that somebody’s getting married. Now I could see if a pig and a frog were getting married that it might make a few heads turn, but they don’t say that…they just repeat “somebody.” It’s almost as though the identity of the soon-to-be married couple is a mystery. But then the play takes a dramatic turn when…they get married. That’s it. Curtain down. Thanks for coming. Drive safe. Man, if you thought Mama Mia wasn’t compelling, you are gonna gouge your eyes out at this “story.”

“You were right…I would have rather watched Legally Blonde”

So I guess after this, the show closes. Which I guess is good since most of those extra “actors” wouldn’t necessarily be available for an extended run. So that would have been awkward. But hey…at least they lived their dream and performed on Broadway…for one night.

Despite all this…Muppets Take Manhattan is STILL my favorite Muppet movie! Thus proving something doesn’t have to make sense to be awesome!

I have a completely different reason for hating taxes than most people…tax time is the time I’m forced to confront how little I’m making as a stand up comic. Let me tell you, 2009 was my worst year ever! I made less than half of what I made in 2008.

The good news is that I’m on track to do much better this year than both previous years. So here’s hoping 2010 is where it all turns around for Tim. Otherwise you may see me soon asking you, “Would you like to ‘King Size’ your meal?”* And then tax time will have me wondering if I can deduct ketchup stain removal products.

*Yeah, I said “King Size,” not “Super Size.” If I go fast food, I’m going Burger King, baby. I’m not about to lose ALL my dignity!

Let’s go further and say that there may be a few dozen people on earth who have as much experience knitting yak-hair cozies as I do.

Approximately 99.98% (±0.02%) of the time this has no bearing on my life.

About two weeks ago, I was contacted out of the blue by a recruiter looking for a yak-hair-cozy-knitter. No foolin’.

The job, in many ways, is the opposite of what I’d want: the position is not local, the job is not guaranteed to be permanent, the housing market sucks, and I haven’t dealt with yak hair in a while.

On the flip side, with enough money a lot of those issues get solved. With a fuck-ton of money the rest don’t matter.

The list of what I won’t do for money is pretty much limited to:

1. Risk the life or health of myself or my loved-ones.
2. Behave immorally.

The thing is, I have no idea what people pay for this skill. It doesn’t exactly show up in salary guides. Hell, most people give you a blank stare when you try to explain why someone would want a yak-hair tea cozy.

Compounding this dilemma is the fact that the recruiter is an information gate between me and the people that want the tea cozies, and one that is economically motivated to low-ball me. The more they can get from their client and the less they pay me, the more profit they take in. They want to sell the client a expert who knows yak hair backwards and forwards, but they’ve got good reasons to offer the expert as little as the expert will accept.

Their initial offer would be good money if I wasn’t looking at traveling or relocating my family out of my own pocket. With those caveats, not so much.

It really comes down to Tim’s philosophy as expressed on a past TANcast: if you’re going to give me a million dollars to have your way with me, you pay for my travel.

I think I’m going to ask for a fuck-ton and see what they do.

The most compelling TANcast ever! This episode features casual blasphemy, abortion debate, and a frank discussion about religious choice. Then it devolves in to the usual TANtopics like Star Trek, Pulp Fiction, having kids, Hypocritical politicians, Shutter Island, Alice in Wonderland, the Academy Awards, Disney animation, movies based on Saturday Night Live Skits, and Chatroulette.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Naxo, Todd, and Mike.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

TANcast Facebook Fan Page
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-TANcast/242741254466?ref=ts

Homeward (Star Trek Episode about Worf’s Brother)
http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/Homeward_%28episode%29

Pen Pals (Star Trek Episode where Data responds to a frightened alien)
http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/Pen_Pals_%28episode%29

Symbiosis (Star Trek Episode wit the two codependent planets)
http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/Symbiosis_%28episode%29

Cat Crime Scene Photo
http://failblog.org/2010/03/05/around-the-interwebs-20/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+failblog+%28The+FAIL+Blog+-+Fail+Pictures+%26+Videos+at+Failblog.ORG%29&utm_content=Google+Reader

Jedi “kick”
http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Jedi-Kick.gif

Homeless Man Under House Arrest
http://www.break.com/pictures/logic-fail1765238.html

Chat Roulette
http://chatroulette.com/

Noah’s Link to “Large Ass Titties” Or is it? (Do you dare to click?)
http://www.holytaco.com/large-ass-titties

Comedian Ryan Stout
http://ryanstout.com/

Tim Babb on Creepy KOFY Movie Time (Thanks, Bob)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzMuL_kA0q8

Tim Blogs Every Day In March
http://tancast.com/2010/03/01/tim-babbs-march-blog-madness/

Some of you may have noticed that the new episode of TANcast is not up yet. You also may have noticed I haven’t blogged yet today. (It is technically after midnight here but not in Hawaii…so I’m counting this blog)

I’ve just been swamped and I’m still getting over my sickness (actually the cough seems worse), so I don’t want to push myself late into another night. I’m gonna go to bed now and hopefully I’ll be feeling better when I awake. Then I’ll finish editing what is turning out to be a truly above average episode…and for TANcast, above average is our “excellent.”

Not to over hype the episode…in fact it’s mediocre at best. You’re better off waiting for it. Maybe you’ll find happiness in the meantime. Ok…off to bed. Night night.

First off…sorry folks this week’s episode is a ways off I am busy and a little sick and the former is making the latter worse. I swear it will be worth the wait. (I’m quite proud of Noah and Andy on this week’s show)

But last night was Oscar night!!! As your intrepid Hollywood reported (who just drove by the Kodak Theater moments ago…several sloooooow moving moments ago), I know you give a shit what I thought. So here goes…

Actually I’m amazed that I HAVE an opinion! I haven’t seen most of the nominated films (Hence I was rooting for “Up”). For some reason I was rooting against Avatar. I dunno why. I haven’t seen it. Kevin Smith seemed to like it. Andy and Noah seemed to have at least enjoyed it. Part of is it that I don’t like James Cameron. Anyone who breaks it off with Sarah Connor is an idiot of the highest sort. Then, I guess, part of it is the hype. I was over this movie before it came out. I was just inundated with how this movie was going to “change movies forever.” Then the previews looked not as good as the average Pixar movie.

And Sandra Bullock…hell yes! Winning a Razzie and an Oscar in the same year. The first actor to do it. I just have always liked her since she ran over the baby carriage in Speed. I haven’t seen the movie she won for…and there’s no guarantee that I ever will. But, you go Sandra!!! Hell yeah!

I won’t go through the rest of the catagorys but I will say that Star Trek is officially an “Academy Award winning movie!” w00t! Suck it, Transformers!

Also people have been complaining on Twitter that Michael Jackson was mentioned in the look back at people who died in 2009, but Farrah Fawcett wasn’t. Ok…I get with you being hurt with them leaving Farrah out…she wasn’t a “movie star,” she was a television actress for the most part, but she DID do some movies. But I’m not down with these people who are saying Michael didn’t belong on that real. He has contributed to film in a number of ways. Aside from playing one of the leads in the Wiz, he had a small part in Men in Black 2, he performed the themes to Free Willy, Free Willy 2 and the immortal “Ben.” Not to mention that his music videos were considered to be “short films” by many. Just look at the talent he had behind the camera: John Landis, Martin Scorcesse, John Singleton, and OF course George Lucas and Francs Ford Copilla for a little 3D adventure playing in Disneyland RIGHT NOW! I for one was glad they gave Michael a brief mention. But I AM sorry they skipped Farrah…and also Wayne Alwyne (The voice of Mickey Mouse) May all or lost favorites rest in peace and may we carry our love for there work with us no matter who is a fuck stick and tries to ignore/shit on them.

…ok…no time to spell check this train wreck. I gotta go. Kisses!!!

If you don’t follow me on Twitter or Facebook, then you missed this post:

“Wow! We are accidentally recording a really interesting TANcast!”

We were half way through recording this week’s show and I was really enjoying listening to Andy and Noah go back and forth. I truly think it was one of our most interesting shows.

But then after that we fell into our normal crap and Noah sent us a link to this picture:

I wanted to give those of you who read TANcast.com a jump on the folks who only listen to the podcast. Now when we mention this on the show you’ll already know about it.

…and knowing is half the battle!

Sometimes when you’re doing comedy, and everything is going right it feels like pure magic! The other night was not one of those times. It was one of those nights where the crowd was really thin, no one was really getting laughs, and the show seemed to be dragging on.

Then this one guy got up and started complaining about the room and and about the situation. Look buddy, we know it sucks. We don’t need you to remind us and make us feel like it’s our fault. Just do your jokes and get off stage so this train wreck can be over. Unfortunately the douchebag on stage couldn’t hear me say any of this…because it was me.

I don’t know why I became the thing I hate but it wasn’t even very fulfilling. It didn’t feel good while I was doing it and I didn’t feel good during or after. I felt like I was being an ass and then I felt bad for being an ass.

So I guess my message is: don’t become the thing you hate…it’s not worth it.

Since yesterday I wrote and anti-republican blog (Technically, it was anti-PALIN blog. That’s an important distinction in my eyes) today I’d like to write a little something more pro-republican.

Last Friday on Real Time with Bill Maher, there were two liberals and one conservative on the panel (plus Bill, who leans far more liberal than not). They liberals kept attacking the conservative for things he wasn’t saying. He was making some interesting points, but they seemed to ignore them and move on to bashing what they wanted to bash anyway. I realize this is a comedy show, but I think the conservative cracked the door open for an interesting debate…but the liberals just wanted to say what was bad about other conservatives.

I hate that crap. C’mon people, do we really have to keep this “us” vs “them” thing going on in politics? Look, you like tax breaks and I like government programs…neither one of us hates this country. Our political representatives are going to continue to be shooting the other party’s ideas down on principle unless we say, “Hey fuck sticks, enough of this ‘my way or the highway’ bullshit. You have a vision for the country, they have a vision for the country…figure out a way to reconcile the two in a compromise and fucking GET SHIT DONE!!! All this arguing and flag humping is not making me any safer, getting my kids better educated, or getting my job back.”

“Also…stop fucking cheating on your wives! Sweet bastard! Keep it in your fucking pants, asshole! You realize any helpful message you might have about the state of the country will be drowned out by screams of “ADULTERER!!!”

I’m Tim Babb and I approve this message.

Ok…I was annoyed when she implied that there was a “real” America and, by implication an unreal America.

I was disappointed in the way she misrepresented the health care debate.

It rolled my eyes when she quit her governorship half way through her term.

But THIS is too far…she was on Jay Leno’s second night of his ill-gotten Tonight Show where she proceeded to try her hand at stand-up comedy. FUCK THAT!

First off, do NOT take focus away from the fact that Jay Leno stole the Tonight Show away from a more deserving host again. This stunt is getting his show talked about and that is not what we need.

Second, I’ve been a stand up for almost 8 years..I would LOVE that spot on the Tonight Show! (Yes, even with Jay Leno hosting…it’s called being a hypocrite…look in to it…oh wait, she has) Don’t pay some desperate comedy writers a bunch of money to write you some jokes and then pawn it off on us like you’re now a stand-up comedian while I’m schlepping my ass around in the rain, driving an hour and a half to do 10 minutes at an open mic in the middle of Pickyournose, Nowhere!

Lastly, you CLEARLY have no sense of humor! That is obvious based on your reactions to the David Letterman joke, the Family Guy Episode, even Saturday Night Live. I’m pretty sure a sense of humor is a basic requirement to being a stand up comic (all evidence from Larry the Cable Guy, not withstanding)

So stay the fuck out of stand up, Palin. Write THAT on your hand so you remember it, whore. Do you want ME to come to where YOU work and make bone headed governmental decisions? I didn’t think so.

Oh and Mr. Leno, if you’d like to book me for an appearance on your show, I can be reached at tim@tancast.com (Hypocrisy: It’s not just for politicians anymore!)

Sorry, this is a short one because I’m sick! I hardly ever get sick and I hate it. Not that anyone LIKES being sick, but it sucks. I have crap I wanna do but I know I’ll make myself worse if I try.

Screw you, cold! Eat NyQuil and die!!!

In 1986, a trifecta of awesome was bestowed upon young Tim Babb. Someone decided to combine the “Star Wars guy” (George Lucas) with Michael Jackson and do it in Disneyland. In doing so, they caused my young brain to melt with sheer joy. It was a 17 minute 3-D movie called Captain EO…and it’s back!!!

I went on last weekend to behold the glory and I was, indeed, transported back to my youth. But there was one thing I wasn’t expecting…I do not remember Angelica Houston’s character being kinda hot.

Maybe it’s because she’s part black and part white (I can relate to THAT). Maybe it’s because being raised on Star Trek makes me predisposed to be attracted to aliens (and she looks a little like the Borg Queen from Star Trek: First Contact)…but when watching her this time I was like, “Well HELLO, Supreme Leader! YOU can infect MY world with YOUR presence anytime. Snoogans!” I mean she comes with her own “play time” suspension rig. What more could you ask for?

PS-Happy 10th Anniversary, Melanie! You’re doin’ it!

Before getting to their count down of their “High 5″ list of movie themes, the TANboys start with a “tribute” to Andrew Koenig, then Noah shares another “Cooking by the Book” recipe, Tim reviews Captain EO, the boys indulge in some literal toilet humor, and Tim once again talks shit about the Now Playing Podcast.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Alissa and EJ.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Batman: Dead End
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hjp0I_okX0w

Halloween Costume Fail
http://failblog.org/2010/02/28/costume-fail-3/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+failblog+%28The+FAIL+Blog+-+Fail+Pictures+%26+Videos+at+Failblog.ORG%29

Noah’s Cinnamon Pancake Recipe
http://thepioneerwoman.com/tasty-kitchen/recipes/breakfastbrunch/pancakeswaffles/cinnamon-bun-pancakes/

Noah’s Cinnamon Pancake Recipe with Pictures of Every Step
http://thepioneerwoman.com/tasty-kitchen-blog/2010/02/a-tasty-recipe-cinnamon-bun-pancakes/

TANnasty Women’s Raglan Hoodie
http://www.cafepress.com/TANcast.421385870

Doug Benson’s Podcast “I Love Movies”
http://ilovemovies.blip.tv/rss

Noah’s Funny Photobomb
http://thisisphotobomb.com/2010/02/28/photobomb-that-guy-ill-be-right-there/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ThisIsPhotobomb+%28This+is+Photobomb%29

Thunder Thighs at WalMart
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?p=10136

Requiem for a Dream Theme
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7vF8zGeljA

Star Trek V Theme
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msK3jSkx3VE

Star Trek II Theme
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sofU3EMa4xc

True Romance Theme
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Du0NSnJnoEY

Casino Royale Theme
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1H-0P7fYgdA

Monorail The Movie Trailer (Kingdom Comedy Video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAAB0kY_-CY

Okay…TANcast.com has been a little lacking on the blogs in the last few months, well that will change in March! Picking up where I left off in September’s “30 Days and 30 Blogs,” I will be blogging once a day in the month of March. For those of you keeping count, March has 31 days! That’s a whole other level of commitment, baby!
What can you expect during Tim Babb’s March Blog Madness?
-Spelling errors
-Factual inaccuracies
-Bad puns
-Irrelevant subject matter
-a laugh or two (Not a guarantee)

So check back everyday in March and tell your friends to witness the train wreck that is Tim Babb’s inner thoughts.

Somehow, after the past two rounds, Possible Douche 1 and Possible Douche 2 are chatting again. Let’s see who “wins” this round…

**Possible Douche 1 starts a chat with Possible Douche 2

Possible Douche 1
When’s the next time you’re going to the park?

Possible Douche 2
Today or tomorrow.

Possible Douche 1
Oh cool! We should say hi!

Possible Douche 2
“Hi”
done lol

Possible Douche 1
wow…you’re hella rude. K bye

Possible Douche 2
Did you mean to say “hella funny?”

Possible Douche 1
nope

Possible Douche 2
I’m pretty sure you did

Possible Douche 1
‘Cause that was definitely not one of your funny moments

Possible Douche 2
Hmmmm I respectfully disagree

Possible Douche 1
Ok…that’s fine

**at this point all communication from Possible Douche 1 stops abruptly

And it looks like Possible Douche 1 may be retiring from the game. PD1 will be missed. (not really) That is one sensitive douche!

The boys revisit Kevin Smith’s Southwest troubles, Tim gets a “new” car, Andy works hard, the boys do 6 degrees of hot women from Firefly to Mad Men to V, Noah sings the praises of jail breaking iPhones, Noah’s “Cooking By The Book” segment makes it’s triumphant return, Tim talks shit about the Now Playing podcast, and the boys bask in the wisdom of Mr. T.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Dave in the Ellie and Todd.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Kevin Smith’s Videos About Southwest
http://smodcast.com/finalwords/

Christina Hendricks From Firefly/Madmen
http://i.imgur.com/EWhvE.jpg

Hot Disney Princesses
http://www.smashinglists.com/10-hottest-disney-princesses-look-alike-models/

Dragon Slayers 2 Game
http://www.addictinggames.com/dragonslayers2.html

Noah’s Chicken Sauté Wraps Recipe
http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=686192&adsqs=raid:1661709

Noah’s Beef Tenderloin Recipe
http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=1842333

No A Team cameo for Mr. T
http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2007/05/24/mr-t-nixes-a-team-movie-cameo/

See why I love Disney? They got your back!

The Boys review We Are the World 25 for Haiti, Tim and Noah see Kevin Smith at Macworld, snow makes stupid driver’s near Andy’s house, Tim reviews Ovo from Cirque du Soleil, you’ll view the “Hollywood” audition process through Tim’s eyes, the boys talk about the tragedy at the Olympics, and they talk about Kevin Smith’s experience with Southwest Airlines.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Dave in the UK, Todd, and Nate.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

We Are The World for Haiti Donation Site:
http://World25.org

Carmen’s Comedy Club Website
http://www.carmenscomedyclub.com/

Knowyourmeme.com
http://knowyourmeme.com/

Anna Torv (The Lady from Fringe) Topless
http://www.esquire.com/women/women-we-love/anna-torv-nude-0310#img

Tim asks Kevin Smith a Question at Macworld
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_vSSw2UBOY

8 Romantic Songs You Didn’t Know Were About Rape
http://www.cracked.com/article_18431_8-romantic-songs-you-didnt-know-were-about-rape.html

Noah’s Link About Masturbating That Tim STILL Hasn’t Watched
(Suck it, Noah!)
http://vimeo.com/860821

People Bailing Out OF Car as it Goes Down Slick Street
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3sTc5LzwPM

Car Pinball
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWT1pY1mVlY

Tim’s Stolen Hat Story
http://tancast.com/2010/02/12/no-so-great-moments-at-mr-lincoln/

“I’m In Miami, Bitch” by LMFAO
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KExUay52tI

Kevin Smith Thrown Off Southwest Flight for Being Fat
http://cbs13.com/local/kevin.smith.southwest.2.1493836.html

Kevin Smith’s “Look How Fat I Am” Pic
http://twitpic.com/1340gw

SModcast About the Southwest Incident
http://www.smodcast.com/smodcast/smodcast106.php

But is THIS truly the way to honor what this great man stood for:

In this episode: For Valentine’s Day, the TANboys tell the tales of how they met their wives as well as some wacky dating stories.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Nick, Joe Anthrax, and Todd.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Louis CK at Sundance 2010 — Worst Joke Ever
http://www.atlantamagazine.com/blogs/inappropriate/blogentry.aspx?BlogEntryID=10092865

Yes, that Jenny McCarthy.

Someone on television (perhaps Daniel Tosh) had poked gentle fun at her, implying, as I recall, that she only looks sane by virtue of standing next to Jim Carrey all the time.

Perhaps I have that backwards. It’s not important.

The argument boils down to this: I saw Jenny McCarthy on TV and, almost reflexively, expressed my opinion of her as follows (this is verbatim): “Fuck Jenny McCarthy!”

My wife came to the ex-Playmate’s cause, chastising me for not understanding the nuances of a mother’s guilt and fears when it comes to the health of her offspring. Her essential point, as I understand it, is that a mother, facing the horror of a child whose life will be difficult at best, may be forgiven for grasping at straws, seeking solace in some explanation which may allow her to forgive herself by providing an outside culprit.

I explained that I can understand that sort of irrational guilt; the blame we heap upon ourselves for uncontrollable events can become a person’s hell. Accepting her argument, basically that we all go a little mad sometimes, I nevertheless responded:“Fuck Jenny McCarthy!”

Allow me to elaborate.

She is a leading voice of anti-vaccination idiocy on this side of the Atlantic, trading on her star power to try to convince the easily-frightened sheeple, watching whatever irresponsible news/talk show that decided she was an important voice in the debate, that vaccines caused her baby’s autism.

Her own complete lack of medical or scientific knowledge, and in fact her lack of any supporting evidence beyond her earnest claims that “she just knows”, apparently pose no barrier to her, so on she goes spewing her dangerous, anti-intellectual, anti-fact activism.

Or, more succinctly:“Fuck Jenny McCarthy!”

My poor wife forgot an important fact. I’m always fucking right.

In this episode: Andy and Noah discuss the iPad ad nauseum, Tim and Noah review Book of Eli, Andy gets pranked at the office, Tim gives up on “24,” and the boys never get around to this week’s “High 5″ …oops!

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by EJ and Alissa.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Hitler Has Something To Say About the iPad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQnT0zp8Ya4

Matt Damon’s iPad (Good Will Hunting Re-Edit)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0rgjV9Y6jA

Corn Chips from Around the World
http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/redeye/2010/01/national-corn-chip-day-fritos-doritos.html

In this episode: The boys circle back to the classic Superman debate, make fun of racists, review the new season of 24 thus far, discuss Conan’s exit from the Tonight Show, and make a polite request on behalf of Mysterious Andy.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Jason and Alissa.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Taco Bell Breakfast Article
http://fastfood.freedomblogging.com/2009/12/11/a-closer-look-at-taco-bells-new-breakfast-menu/45179/

News Article: How a Superman Rescued me from a Date-Rape Horror”
http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/153596/How-a-Superman-rescued-me-from-date-rape-horror-

News Article: Rape drug mum saved by Superman
http://www.wigantoday.net/wigannews/Rape-drug-mum-saved-by.5990589.jp

Pic of Robert Randolph
http://www.blogcdn.com/www.bloggingneworleans.com/media/2006/05/Robert-Randolph-450.jpg

Michael Ian Black’s (actual) (unfunny) Thoughts About the Conan Thing
http://www.michaelianblack.net/blog/2010/01/norma-rae.html

Andy’s Blog About Wishing to Remain Anonymous
http://tancast.com/2010/01/25/pay-no-attention-to-that-monkey-behind-the-curtain/

Cop Out Trailer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAqej4v6WCc

Please don’t out me.

If you know me, you know what sort of jobs I do and you probably understand why I don’t want Google to connect real me to TANcast me in any way, shape, or form. Office environments tend to frown on the sort of loose talk and questionable content we enjoy throwing at passers-by (à la feces) and employers know how to search the Internet.

If you’re a listener/reader who doesn’t know me personally, I’ll elaborate a little.

I like food. I like for my family to have food. I need to earn money to buy said food. TANcast costs me money to keep running (not nearly as much as food costs), so I also need to earn money to make TANcast go. I also like porn, but porn is free with the price of Internet.

Corporate America sucks in a lot of ways. It may not hire you if you say things like “I also like porn” in public, and, rest assured, everything on the Internet is public. I once found topless pictures of someone I knew in High School on the Internet. That was weird.

The way I reconcile being unfiltered on TANcast, thus making TANcast as much fun as it is for you guys (i.e. a little), with maintaining my professional persona is that I keep the two “me”s separate. It’s a thin veneer, more self-delusion than firewall, but it lets me feel okay with doing the shit I do here.

Those who know me personally are now thinking to themselves, “Self, doesn’t Andy curse a lot in real life, too? Doesn’t he say weird shit to coworkers to make them laugh?”

Yes, guilty as charged. But there’s a world of difference between letting the guard down a little among people you work with and being judged by people you might work with. Unless I stay at my current job for the rest of my life (Magic 8-Ball says: “Un-fucking-likely”), that’s going to matter at some point.

I’ve poked fun at this in the past, but it seems like more and more people are trying to connect the dots so I wanted to be sincere for one tiny moment.

I’m not Mysterious Andy because I’m doing a bit or running a scavenger hunt or trying to be a real-life Where’s Waldo.

I’m the monkey because I don’t think I can responsibly be the man.

So again: Please don’t try to find me or link me or friend me or out me. It’s not that I don’t like you guys. I just feel I need to keep this part of my life confined to TANcast and related, pseudonymous accounts.

Y’know, so my family can continue to buy porn.

I mean food.

In this episode: The TANboys discuss the Conan/Leno/NBC train wreck, Tim’s Pictionary Misadventures, and why Minnesota is too cold for anyone and close things out with a run down of their “High 5″ Places to Eat Out.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Logan and Mike.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Haiti Relief Links

Red Cross

The Bill Clinton and George W. Bush Haiti Fund

Stillerstrong (Ben Stiller’s Haiti Charity mentioned on Conan’s show)

Tim’s Show on Jan 23rd, 2010

Other Show Links

Tim’s 1st Blog on the Conan/Leno/NBC thing
http://tancast.com/2010/01/13/a-truly-uninformed-opinion-on-the-conanleno-thing/

Tim’s 2nd Blog on the Conan/Leno/NBC thing
http://tancast.com/2010/01/16/nbc-tells-team-coco-to-f-off/

Kimmel Destroys Leno on his own show
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axwO6BkCtIo

Picture of Woman with a bunch of Flies on her Crack
http://i.imgur.com/DAONU.jpg

Political Map that “Gives Andy Hope”
http://i.imgur.com/Zh0yK.jpg

Guy With One Really Muscular Arm
http://www.totalprosports.com/2009/10/matthias-schlitte-is-a-modern-day-popeye/

There were technical problems during the recording process, there was the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, and now I have screwed up several times in the editing process. Episode 83 will be uploaded as soon as possible. Thanks for your patience.

In the meantime, please sTANd by…

According to a headline on thewrap.com: “It’s Over! NBC to Pay Conan $30M”

I feel bad for everyone in this situation…except NBC. They really screwed the pooch. They should have let Conan walk 5 years ago or they should let Jay go now, but don’t screw with the Tonight Show like this and then try and act like it’s either Conan or Jay’s fault that their ratings suffered. You made the choice to split the audiences and now you’re enjoying the lack of ratings because of it.

If I were Jay, I’d bow out gracefully. You went out number 1 on the Tonight Show. Don’t come back to it just to milk it. Let Conan succeed or fail on his own. I mean I know it sucks you were pushed out and ten set up to fail and now they’re making you out to be the bad guy…but you have a chance to prove you’re the good guy you’re rumored to be if you bow out now.

I hope Conan is able to go back to the airwaves soon…and it sucks for his staff that he uprooted from New York to come out to LA. I mean Conan will be fine but I’m sure most of the folks on the staff aren’t getting 30 million out of this. It might be hard for them.

NBC, lick my nuts!

First of all, does it strike anyone else that this happens so soon after Comcast buys NBC/Universal? They weren’t content with fucking up our TV viewing experience in the delivery…they wanted to fuck it up at the source!

So, from where I sit (which is, admittedly, a position that makes me just as uninformed as the next asshole) this just sucks for everyone. But what I mainly see is a lot of blow back hostility directed at Jay Leno. Now I know not a lot of the “cool kids” are down with Jay Leno but I feel he is to late night what Larry the Cable Guy is to stand up…he’s not on the edge doing the things that no one’s done before, he’s serving a large niche and serving it extremely well.

Leno was number 1 when he was forced to retire 5 years ago and he was #1 the day he went off the air. You can’t blame him for wanting to stick around, he did the job he was supposed to do and got pushed out for it.

Please don’t take this to mean I’m on “Team Leno” (as if being on any “team” makes a difference). Conan earned his shot and he deserves the chance to make it work. I’m on “Team Fuck NBC.” They are trying to have their cake and eat it too and it just doesn’t work. You can’t have both Jay AND Conan. There can be only one rooster in this hen house (or peacock, I guess). Choose one and let the other go.

In this episode: The TANboys (eventually) run down their Top 5 TV Theme Songs. Plus Noah presents another installment of his “Cooking By The Book” feature.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Mike and Jason.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

People Jump Out of Car (from last week…updated link)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3sTc5LzwPM

Car Pinball
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWT1pY1mVlY

Sad Trombone

http://www.sadtrombone.com/

TANcast Facebook Fanpage
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-TANcast/242741254466?ref=ts

CNN’s List of Celebrities Lost in 2009

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/12/22/celebrity.passages.2009/index.html

Mario Rescues Princess Seth MacFarlane Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghZ_dkxOwEY#t=00m55s

Let Me Google That For You
http://lmgtfy.com/

Comedian Rob Paravonian talks about the Friends theme (and Sugar Ray)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0S8wBNoiv90

Music Video of Tim and Andy’s High School Choir
[Link removed]

Noah’s Recipe for this Week
http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=232620&adsqs=raid:1695472

From Tim: Wanna do the top 5 tv themes tonite?

Noah agreed right away, but then Andy sent this…

From Andy: ?? Like Top 5 Theme Songs?

I thought for a minute there must be a typo in my original text so I went back and looked. Other than my shorthand spelling of tonight, the text did indeed communicate the message I had intended. So I offered up the only reply I could…

From Tim: Um…yes

So I get back this…

From Andy: I’m on Sudafed and low sleep and (I’m) at work. I wasn’t sure I recalled what we’d talked about.

Ok this is a perfectly good excuse if I had texted him, “Wanna do that thing we talked about on the show last week?” THAT question is super vague and needs clarification. But does “top 5 tv themes” really have ANY other meaning? What else could a tv theme be? Type in “tv theme” into Google and all you get is references to songs…

But Andy’s brain doesn’t work like Google…

Now I turn it over to you, the reader…what do YOU think Andy thought I could have meant besides tv theme songs?

On this, the Twelfth Day of (Actual) Christmas (a.k.a. Epiphany), I’ll record for the ages what I took:

On the Twelfth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady a Snickers bar left over from Halloween.

On the Eleventh Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady two unmatched socks and a Snickers bar left over from Halloween.

On the Tenth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady three hairs from her brush, two unmatched socks, etc.

On the Ninth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady four pairs of chones, three hairs from her brush, etc., etc.

On the Eighth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady five Kellogg’s Corn Pops, four pairs of chones, etc., etc., etc.

On the Seventh Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady six hours of her life, five Kellogg’s Corn Pops, etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the Sixth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady seven AA batteries, six hours of her life, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the Fifth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady eight chocolate sprinkles, seven AA batteries, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the Fourth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady nine Belated Christmas cards, eight chocolate sprinkles, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the Third Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady ten toenail clippings, nine Belated Christmas cards, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the Second Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady eleven blank CDs, ten toenail clippings, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the First Day of Reverse-Christmas (a.k.a.: Christmas) I took from my old lady twelve anatomically correct gingerbread men, eleven blank CDs, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

I now have a metaphorical ton of AA batteries, which is not to be confused with a metric ton(ne). I plan to use them to power the robot I made from the rest of that shit. I’m also keeping the 42 hours of her life, since I may need it in 20-30 years.

Only 342(-ish?) days left to decide what you will steal from your true love next Reverse-Christmas, so you best get cracking!

Feel free to use the comments to exchange Reverse-Christmas plans, recipes (they should involve picking food apart), etc.

In this episode: A TANholiday re-cap, Tim and Noah’s NYE Game night, Andy vs his In-Laws, and the boys bid farewell to the Scene Unseen podcast by reviewing Avatar (Andy and Noah have seen it, Tim has not). (Warning: TWO Star Trek moments in this week’s episode…yipes!)

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Kris (with a “HEEY”) and Gary.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Princess Edamame’s TANbingo Card
http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/TANbingo.jpg

Andy’s Urban Dictionary Word
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=schlipping%20mah%20fronecks&defid=4410435

Graph of Printer Ink Cost
http://consumerist.com/2009/12/hp-ink-costs-more-than-human-blood.html

Random Hawtness Chick
http://hawtness.com/2009/12/18/wtf-girl-photo-yes-pose-in-your-awesome-costume-next-to-a-trash-can/

Guy Throws His Bike at a Robber
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqdZFuGt1I4

Jumping Out of Car and Sliding on Ice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3sTc5LzwPM

Captain Picard reviews Twilight
http://18.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kuvgoxX1P21qa4f9oo1_500.jpg

The TANcast Store (In case you missed the link above)
http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

Today is the day! Reviews are already going up (because you people are fucking AWESOME). But if some of you forgot, here is your reminder: go write us an iTunes review before midnight tonight!

Here’s the link:

http://www.itunes.com/podcast?id=282610708

This week’s episode is all YOUR fault because it’s all listener suggested topics: School chums named Erin, nipple bleeding, dream cars, upcoming movies, how the boys came to live at the TANhouse, top 5 favorite songs of the TANboys, phobias, weight loss, and doing DP with your wife.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Spread the word about TANcast iTunes Review Day (Dec 30)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YcNfptCX1c

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Mike, Luke, and Nick!
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

SHOW LINKS!!!

Article on Tim written by Erin
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8985143/Dissed-Weekly-Issue-2-December-15-2008

A Collection of Bloody Nipple Photos
http://www.flickr.com/photos/dorkmaster/galleries/72157622268037051/#photo_130437233

Andy’s Not Safe For Bathroom Mishap Link
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=120921191&CJAID=10409403&CJPID=3727850

For those of you who aren’t aware, here’s the back story. Mary is pregnant with Jesus. She and her husband, Joseph, are traveling and trying to find a place to stay. I’m not sure why they didn’t head for a hospital since she was due to have the kid any minute…I guess their Obama-care hadn’t kicked in yet do so they were still with Kaiser. And we all know Kaiser’s plan for child birth, “Figure it out yourself fuckhole, it’s $90 a month…you don’t pay us enough to care.”

So Mary and Joseph happen upon an inn. They go ring the bell, or whatever they did to get the innkeeper’s attention in those days and they explain their situation and the innkeeper says, “There’s no room at the inn…you can stay in the barn though.”

Instantly he’s vilified as the bastard who couldn’t help out a pregnant lady. I think someone should come to this dude’s defense. So here are 5 reasons the Innkeeper is not a douchebag.

1. He Had No Idea Who These People Were
OK..if some strange couple who showed up in the middle of the night, are you just gonna let them in with no questions asked? NO!!! That has scam written all over it. I’ve seen waaaaaaaaay to many episodes of CSI, Law & Order, or Criminal Minds that start out just like that.

2. He Wasn’t a Christian
You may be tempted to argue that these aren’t random strangers…it’s friggin’ Mary and Joseph! Well, smart ass, Jesus isn’t born yet (thus the point of this story). The Innkeeper hasn’t even heard of Christianity much less the players in it’s origin story. If Albert Einstein’s parents showed up at your door circa March 13, 1879, would YOU recognize them? Didn’t think so.

3. Timing is Everything
Have you ever tried to get a last minute hotel room? It’s a huge pain in the butt! Of course there’s no room. It’s Christmas eve! Everybody is traveling somewhere to be with family. Jut poor planning on Joe and Mary’s part.

4. He Threw Them A Bone
While he didn’t have a room for them, he let them stay in the stable…or barn…or whatever the “proper” term is. While I’m sure it’s not super fun to have a baby next to stinky cow shit…it’s better than out in the snow. A white Christmas wouldn’t seem so great if you had to give birth outdoors. Do I hear a “thank you” to the innkeeper? No? Douches.

5. The Innkeeper Doesn’t Exist
No, devout believer, I am not saying the Bible isn’t real. I’m not even saying this part of the story was made up. I am actually saying that the word “inn” is a mistranslation.

“The word translated as “inn” is the word kataluma, which is used elsewhere by Luke and translated as “guest chamber” or “upper room” (Luke 22:11; cf. Mark 14:14). When Luke wants to speak of a paid establishment (i.e., an inn), he uses a different Greek word, pandocheion, as in the story of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:34).” [source]

So basically it wasn’t an inn…it was some dude’s house!

“Hey can me and my preggo wife crash on your couch tonight?”

That makes number 1 even MORE applicable. Look I’m sorry pregnant ladies, but if you show up at my door in the middle of the night, you’re not getting in. Especially since it’s not likely that you’re carrying the savior of mankind in your belly…I believe the Anti-Christ is the next one due to arrive. Go screw yourself, lady! Have your devil baby in the rain!

It is simply this:

I hate black people.

There! I’ve been wanting to say that out loud for a while now.

To be clear, there aren’t all that many that I hate and they certainly are not as numerous as the white people I hate (those fuckers are legion), so here’s wishing all the black people I don’t hate a festive Kwanzaa and a Happy New Year.

PS: See what I did up there? I used ambiguous language to have some fun. Ain’t I a stinker?

PPS: I’d just like to remind everyone that the best way to spot a counterfeit is to touch it. A fake may look convincing, but you would be surprised what your fingers can tell you that your eyes may have missed. This holds true for twenties and titties.

Tim and Andy get finicky about food, Tim gets paranoid about X-mas presents, the boys wax nostalgic about video games, the boys discuss Christmas decor, the comedy of Brian Scolaro touches off an interesting thought experiment, Noah tries to understand the logic of SModcast, Tim is an insensitive douche, the boys trend dangerously close to racism, and Noah finds a shoe worse than Crocs.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Spread the word about TANcast iTunes Review Day (Dec 30)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YcNfptCX1c

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Brian and Jo
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

Oh God YOU Devil on Warner Bros. DVD
http://www.amazon.com/God-You-Devil-George-Burns/dp/B0006J28LY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1261333396&sr=8-1

Stuff You Should Know Totem Pole Episode
http://podcast.com/episode/47087626/68331/

Comedian Brian Scolaro’s Website
http://www.brianscolaro.com/

Cop Grabs Dude’s Junk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wf6QAvuEVw

Huge Monitor in Office
http://gizmodo.com/5428870/42-office-monitor-is-as-good-for-your-eyes-as-it-is-for-your-privacy?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:%20gizmodo/full%20%28Gizmodo%29&utm_content=Google%20Reader

Barefoot Shoes…Worse Than Crocs
http://greenupgrader.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/my-bare-feet-vibram-five-fingers-review.jpg

So thank you to all of you who’ve told a friend to listen and thank you to all of you who are someone’s friend and decided to listen.

…and also thank you to Disneyland for bringing back Captain EO in February of next year WOOO HOOOO!!!!

So much to be thankful for…where’s Thanksgiving when you need it?

Then you take it home and put it in the freezer for a week and six days.

When you take it out and it thaws, does it still expire the next day or did you buy yourself an extra 13 days with your milk?

Geoff returns to the show (by popular demand) and the boys talk about poop (naturally), raising babies, working at Google, video games (Arkham Asylum 2, Left 4 Dead, & Modern Warfare), but then they get distracted by “hawtness.”

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Jairo and Jose
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)
Cougar Cruise

http://i.imgur.com/eg2kJ.jpg

TANcast iTunes Review Day Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YcNfptCX1c

Arkham Asylum 2 Teaser
http://www.gametrailers.com/video/batman-arkham-spike-tv/59829

Star Trek Chick2
http://hawtness.com/2009/11/24/wtf-girl-photo-science-officers-are-the-sexiest-part-of-the-federation/

Recipe for Batida
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cocktails_with_cacha%C3%A7a#Batida_.28Shaken.29

Spider-woman
http://hawtness.com/2009/11/06/wtf-girl-photo-spiderwoman-is-doing-the-crab-walk/

Girl Getting Fit Doing Some Wii Bowling (NSFW)
http://hawtness.com/2009/12/04/wtf-girl-photo-wii-bowling-bowling-in-the-comfort-of-your-own-home/

Whip Cream Bathing Suit
http://hawtness.com/2009/12/03/wtf-girl-photo-dont-eat-that-it-looks-like-shaving-cream/

Girl Eating “Cock Cake” (NSFW)
http://hawtness.com/2009/10/23/wtf-girl-photo-is-that-cake-cream-filled-ba-zing/

Princess Leia Pillow Fight
http://hawtness.com/2009/11/30/wtf-girl-photo-behold-the-ultimate-nerd-wet-dream/

Girl With Water Shooting Up Her Butt (NSFW)
http://hawtness.com/2009/10/13/wtf-girl-photo-look-at-the-water-babies/

Trapped in the Butt Cage
http://hawtness.com/2009/11/27/wtf-girl-photo-you-are-trapped-in-the-butt-cage/

Duct Tape Bikini
http://hawtness.com/2009/10/12/wtf-girl-photo-when-i-run-out-of-underwear-i-usually-do-laundry/

“This is Odd” (Devil Tongue Chick)
http://hawtness.com/2009/08/15/wtf-girl-photo-the-source-of-all-hotness/

“So is This” (Dog Licking Girls Boob)
http://hawtness.com/2009/11/18/wtf-girl-photo-think-she-stuffed-her-bra-with-snausages/

Congressman Tells Cheney to STFU
http://rawstory.com/2009/12/alan-die-quickly-grayson-tells-cheney-stfu/

That’s just not fair. Jessica Rabbit has humongous boobs!

Snow White has…well…she has a great personality!

I just can’t imagine why they made these two room mates. This has got to be killing Snow’s self esteem. She’s going to snap and kill Jessica in her sleep and then stuff her ginormous toon globes down the front of her dress like some weird, animated version of Buffalo Bill!

And it’s not like they’re even being subtle about it…

It’s just adding insult to injury to put “bust” under Snow White’s picture. Hang in there, Snow. Breasts aren’t everything. Don’t let Jessica’s Toon-a-licious rack intimidate you. You do your own thing, girlfriend!

This week brings lying scales, gross hotel rooms, celebrity gossip, used cars, HIV, Universal Studios fail, sitcoms without laugh tracks, and some great advice for winter.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by EJ, Gary, “The Mystery Listener,” and Mousetalgia’s Kristen
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Weird Dude on a Bike
http://i.imgur.com/PZaUa.jpg

Sofia Vergara in a Bikini (NSFW site)
http://www.egotastic.com/image?path=0912/sofia-vergara-bikini-1-02.jpg&info=Sofia%20Vergara%20Bikini%20Pictures

Sofia Vergara’s visible face (NSFW site)
http://www.egotastic.com/image?path=0912/sofia-vergara-bikini-1-03.jpg&info=Sofia%20Vergara%20Bikini%20Pictures

Comedian (And all around cool guy) Jerry Brandt
http://www.myspace.com/comedianjerrybrandt

Even the trailer is horrible! I know we complain a lot that the trailer “shows the whole movie,” but this one totally did. Step by step to what is assuredly the ending! It is obvious to anyone who has ever seen a movie before that she will accept her boyfriend’s proposal, then break it off at the last second to get together with the douche who drove her across Europe for the sole purpose of proposing to her boyfriend.

This is an annoying staple of these “chick flicks” the girl is with a guy but then breaks it off at the last second to be with some other guy. (Sleepless in Seattle, Sweet Home Alabama, Runaway Bride, Titanic, the Wedding Planner, the Wedding Singer, etc). I love this message. “Hey ladies, no matter how close you are to marriage, feel free to ditch the guy who loves you and has been with you all this time at the last second because you met a new guy.”

Kill yourself, Hollywood!

In another fail-filled episode, Tim spends Thanksgiving in Disneyland, Andy meets a coked up stripper, Noah learns some lessons from his November fast, Noah reviews Ninja Assassin, Tim gets annoyed by bad parents, Andy ponders the psychology of D.P. porn, and finally the wheels come off as usual. (FYI- alternate titles considered for this episode were, “Hate It Forward,” “A Tiny Taste of the Zeitgeist,” “The Tim Flu,” and “Noah Somehow Makes it Gay.” Did we make the right choice?)

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Brian and Bryce
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

“Sorry Girls..I’m Taken” shirt at Disneyland
http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/Prince-Charming-Im-Taken-Shirt.jpg

Google “These Nuts”
http://www.google.com/#hl=en&source=hp&q=these+nuts&aq=1&aqi=g10&oq=these+n&fp=6b22d27f49a5e7dd

Noah’s Recipe
http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=1120354

Alissa’s Crocs
http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/Alyssas-Crocs.jpg

Tim’s “twin”
http://twitpic.com/rf5ca

Andy on a Plane
http://failblog.org/2009/11/25/seating-comfort-fail/

Kitty on Slide
http://i.imgur.com/FvtQv.gif

Twilight Moms
http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs51/f/2009/329/a/6/Twilight_Moms_by_InLoveWitEdwardC.jpg

It reminds me of how I and the other TANlads could always tell whether we’d played Grand Theft Auto 3 or Grand Theft Auto: Vice City more recently by whether or not we wanted to steal police cars. In GTA 3 those things had great handling and could take a ton of damage, but in GTA:VC they drove like top-heavy boats.

Then there was Spider-Man 2 on the Xbox and Tim pretending to web-sling and swing through the house and down the halls at his old job.

Maybe that’s the hallmark of a good sandbox game: the degree to which you get mindfucked by it…

PS: 10 TANpoints to the first comment that knows where this post’s title comes from. Don’t be lazy and Google for it. The points are completely worthless.