TANcast

Ass will be our downfall
Driving all mankind to distraction

Ass will be our salvation
Uniting us against a common foe

That is it. It is broken and it will never be fixed.

I don’t want to hear shit about “Oh, it will get better.” from anyone.

I know it will heal with time, but it will NEVER be anything but broken. We are just going to accept this as part of our lives at some point and go from there. It will still be broken, somewhere underneath the healthy veneer. A scar that will be there until the day the last one of us dies.

Sorry this wasn’t cheerful or entertaining, but that is just not where find myself. Go look at porn or something…

It just occurred to me that God is like a well-made barbecue burger with bacon and onion rings.

You see, both the burger and God are delicious, spicy, reasonably priced, and available at a convenient nearby Carl’s Jr. or other fine fast-food establishment.

Some people (and by that I mean “morons”) have been buying in to a really nifty lie for several years: bottled water is pure and safer than tap water.

I call bullshit.

If you don’t believe me, go check out the episode of Penn & Teller’s show (Bullshit) on this exact subject.

Better yet, check out what happened with The Coca-Cola Company and their new “pure” brand of water, Dasani.

First, let me digress and ask: What the fuck is up with these water brand names. “Dasani” sounds like something an Italian dude would ride down narrow streets with his buddy on the back while checking out chicks. “Crystal Geyser” sounds like a porn movie where some girl pees into the air. “Evian”, as Dennis Miller has pointed out, is “naive” spelled backwards.

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Guess what, boys and girls (and neuters). The Bush administration seems to have lied to us all about the nuclear development work in Iraq!

Put bluntly, not only does it now look like Saddam (a.k.a. “The Fucker with the Shoe-Polish Mustache”) had dismantled his nuclear arm development, but the Bush administration knew their “proof” was a laughable lie.

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GI Joe makes me giggle.

Vote your conscience, but do so based on fact, not sound bites or rhetoric you picked up from TV ads and posturing speeches. I swear to God that if I hear ANY of my friends spouting some shit they heard on TV as fact I’ll reconsider that friendship. Being weak is one thing. Being weak-willed is quite another.

Just in case anyone wonders how I will be voting, consider that the Bush administration:

• enriches the wealthy at the expense of the working middle class.
• empowers corporations at the expense of consumers.
• destroys fair use and the public domain by granting essentially perpetual corporate copyrights.
• enables media consolidation of unprecedented scale.
• feeds the fear of the masses to justify the erosion of civil liberties and personal rights.
• uses the Secret Service to silence peaceful protest.
• used unconfirmed intelligence from a dubious source to push for the invasion of a sovereign nation (a belligerent dictatorship, to be sure) over the protests of every international body.

Now, to every “Ditto Head” out there ready to dismiss me as some bleeding-heart liberal I want to say I am a conservative (or more specifically, a libertarian). I am predominantly moderate (leaning right of center) but with some liberal, some anarchist, and some fascist tendencies depending on the specific subject.

Feel free to take issue with any of the bullet points above, but come equipped with counter-proofs or at least a convincing argument regarding the irrelevance of the subject since I can back every one of my assertions with hard facts. Conjecture and rhetoric will be mocked tirelessly.

What a week I had. A wondrous week full of surprise and warmth.

A truncated timeline follows:

Thursday, July 22 – At about midnight or 1 am, on my way back from 5 days of vacation spent house-sitting for my folks with my sweetie I think I feel a bit under the weather. I figure it could be allergies (I’m not allergic to my parents’ cats) since I just spent 5 days in Stockton which is known for its dust, pollen, and mold, or possibly I could be sporting a mild sunburn.

Saturday, July 24 – I’m definitely sick. Fever, aches, desire to watch shows on UPN: all the signs are there. My girlfriend is on her way back to her house, too, to finish packing for her move this direction. After 9 days together it is weird to have her 200 miles away again.

Monday, July 26 – I’m home sick from work, the temperature outside is going to try to hit triple digits again for the third day in a row, and I have no AC at my place. Doesn’t matter, though, since my own body has spent the last 3 days dancing on both sides of the 100 degree mark. I’m standing in the freezer section of the grocery store in a T-shirt, shorts, and sandals and so hot I am sweating profusely. Advil and Tylenol are taking the edge off, but every 4-5 hours the fever comes back as the last dose wears off.

Tuesday, July 27 – I haven’t slept through the night in 4 days. I sweat through my sheets every 4 hours because of the fevers. At about 4:30 pm I get a call from my mom asking how I am. And telling me that she left my father. For good.

See what I did there? “Warmth” because of the fevers and “surprise” because my parents are throwing away what would be 33 years of marriage as of August 29. It was “wondrous” because I am full of wonder that I didn’t die from something.

I did lose about 8 pounds, though. It wasn’t all bad, I guess…

For the record, it looks like the 13 total days I got to spend with my fevers were due to a bad bout of influenza, a low-grade West Nile virus infection, or something similarly heinous. I followed all that that with a lovely 7 day chaser of strep throat. It was actually a shitty 3 weeks, but who’s counting?

Internet Explorer is seriously one of the WORST software products ever conceived. What could Microsoft possibly have been thinking?

Maybe something like this:

Let’s create a web browser and give it full access to both the outside network and the innermost workings of the operating system. NO! BETTER! Let’s have the OS interface BE the browser! That will get the Justice Department off our back when our “cut off Netscape’s air supply” memo leaks, since by then both of them (OS and browser) will be “merged”.

Next, lets create a technology that allows fully functioning programs to be run in the browser. We can call that ActiveX. We’ll need to set the default security settings pretty low, since we want people to have easy access to this. We can even make people use it to upgrade their copy of Windows. Why have a separate, secure system in place that can only connect to our servers when we can just give the web browser total control of everything and then assume nobody will ever find a flaw that lets them rape systems remotely.

As the crowning pinnacle, lets let 3rd party people modify the browser’s function using this ActiveX thing and not give people any easy way to remove the “enhancements”. Marketers will LOVE the ability to change the browser so that every time it accesses www.disney.com it pops up ads for hardcore midget-shaving porn, especially if the ads show graphic horse fisting, too.

Last item for action: once we are done using our OS monopoly to control the web browser market, we need to stop upgrading the software. Standards? Bah. Who cares. Rendering bugs? Not a problem. Features? Control? Security? Well, we’ll patch critical flaws, but other than that, fuck it. Users can like what we forced the PC makers to ship or they can kiss our hairy beans.

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Ever fart and then think you should apologize to God for it?

I have.

I had Taco Bell and pepperoni pizza from Round Table on back-to-back nights about a week and a half ago and I was blowing the sort of ass that was outlawed in the fourth Geneva Convention in 1949.

Fat Bastard said “We all love our own brand, don’t we?”, but I have discovered the exception to this rule.

It takes a potent combination of fuels and a reacting chamber as prolific as my colon, but I have incontrovertible proof that it is possible to not only offend one’s own self but in fact to actually make oneself sick.

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