TANcast

…..I want to see the broken dreams and tears in perfect clarity.

This is the second in my ongoing series of extremely stupid things you can whip up and shove in your head-hole to eventually convert into some poop.

Today I bring you a recent creation, dreamed up by my wife on Monday and whipped up by me minutes later…

Four-Cheese Macaroni

1. Get yourself one box each of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner: Three Cheese with Mini-Shell Pasta and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner: White Cheddar
2. Combine both boxes of pasta in a sufficient amount of boiling water
3. Boil for 7-8 minutes (11-13 metric), stirring whenever you can muster the courage
4. Drain water into something that won’t melt or scream
5. Stir in approximately 1/2 cup (0.0010081 barrel) of milk and 1/3 cup (21.333 fluid drams) of margarine or butter with the stove on low heat
6. Slowly stir in both packets of pseudo-cheese-product powder
7. Continue stirring until the entire thing is one color and no longer looks as much like it isn’t really cheese

According to the boxes, this makes 6 servings. If you are an actual adult human who hasn’t has gastric bypass surgery (the FDA “serving” definition is based on what a bypassed stomach will hold), then this makes 3-4 servings. If you are a big fat fucker like me, grab your favorite punch bowl and go to town on this single-serving delight.

Since I’ve only made and consumed this once, and only days ago at that, I make no promises about this combination plate for the lazy not causing lupus or ass-cancer.

So I’m on Craigslist looking for work (My career is on FIRE) and I come across this:

New Reality Show Calling Actors!! (los angeles)
Date: 2009-03-24, 11:17AM PDT

A New Reality Show is in pre-production and is calling ALL Talented Actors!!
We are looking for talented actors who have given up on their dreams. We want to know WHY, WHO, WHAT caused you to stop pursuing your passions.

We’re looking for heartfelt, truthful, and out of the ordinary stories.
Please submit one headshot and a brief story (not more than 3 paragraphs)
explaining your circumstances. We’re excited to hear from you!
We have a great crew, set, and team and are starting to cast in the next two weeks!

Look forward to hearing from you….

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/tlg/1089971634.html

So basically it’s a reality show about how your dream has been crushed by LA?

Have you failed? Are you ready to admit defeat and shuffle off back to middle America? Well before you do, let us showcase your failure on the world stage. Instead of just being a washout to your friends and family, you can be known as a washout by whomever watches our crappy show!

Oh…one thing…you’ll have to compete with other washouts just to get on our show. So it’s possible that you could be failure at being a washout. What’s that taste in your mouth? That’s bitterness…or that gun barrel your eating.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts. Listener discretion is advised.

In response to a post on the MeanDawg forums, The TANboys rip off…er…pay tribute to the MeanDawg top five podcast with their lists of “top 5 movies they were most excited to see or were the most memorable movie going experiences…that they remember.” (Got all that?)

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
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Listeners of the show will remember that the City of Los Angeles contacted me a few months back saying I owed a “business tax” for working in the Los Angeles City limits. I contacted them by phone…and got no response. I then e-mailed them and got a response saying that if I didn’t receive any money for business conducted when I was physically in the city limits, I was exempt from this tax…and I should write them a letter to say so. They provided me an address.

As I have yet to receive a dime for performing in the City of Los Angeles, I followed the e-mails instructions, explained my case in a letter, sent it to the address, and thought the whole matter was settled.

Now Mervyn’s…I mean the City of Los Angeles has written me again saying I never responded and now I owe them $4,000! FUCK YOU, LOS ANGELES!!!

Your city has never paid me a dime!!! I contacted you 3 separate ways to straighten it out and now you’re putting the blame on me?! No wonder republicans don’t trust government! You’re not getting a dime out of me just because YOU are incompetent!

I was at my 4th show tonight (none of the 4 shows I would describe as “good”) and there was a drunk douche bag in the crowd (Granted it’s St. Patty’s Day…but still)

The comic on stage was talking about the Octomom. That’s when drunky pipes up, “Ugh…that bitch has been with 8 different dudes.”

Um…what? How much alcohol do yu have to drink to destroy your brian to that degree.

First off, the Octomom is well known to have no man in her life…much less 8. I don’t follow her closely, but I swear I heard she hasn’t had sex in some time.

Second of all…you don’t need 8 guys to make octuplets! The alcohol has broken down his memory of how babies are made! WTF? WTF?!!

To Santa Steve,

I know you’re supposed to be announcing the iPhone/iTouchMyselfPod OS 3.0 later today, but I’ve been putting together a list of things I’d like to see fixed, added, improved, and/or changed at some point in the near future, and I wanted to post them before you One More Thing-ed us.

For all I know, half these things are already going to be in OS 3.0 and the rest will be rendered moot by the shining awesomeness that you will boom unto us. Hell, for all I know some of these are already in the product or possible for 3rd-party developers to do now. Still, here they are in no particular order and grouped poorly by general topic. I’ll try to bold all the ones I want most, but I make no promises.

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[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts. Listener discretion is advised.

After a very brief relapse, this mostly male member-free show features: annoying websites, Andy hating on DirecTV, a little iPhone app talk (gotta have it), Tim complains about private profiles on social networking websites, Tim complains about work e-mails, the boys live dangerously at amusement parks, Tim complains about his car (Tim complains A LOT in this episode…what a whiny bitch!), the boys snap at people, Noah and Tim owe their happiness to OG Steph, and old internet phenomenons are revisited.

But before signing off, the boys manage to talk about Star Trek, Disneyland, Obama, movie spoilers, Andy\’s well wishers, open zippers, Georgia\’s wacky winter weather, the evils of dusk, Taco Bell\’s 4th meal, and walking in on your parents during sex. TANcast: covering more topics when we try to sign off than most podcasts do in a whole show!

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
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This week\’s TANlaugh was submitted by no one…
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to:
Tim (at) TANcast.com
Andy (at) TANcast.com
and/or
Noah (at) TANcast.com

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Years ago, America Online flooded everyone’s mailboxes (real ones, not “inboxes”) with floppy diskettes and CDs promising easy access to Teh Intarwebz. Millions bought in, signed up, and logged on. Of those, tens or hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions, were idiots, children, or idiot children.

Human discourse has not been the same since.

Everyone likes to talk about democracy, freedom of expression, and equality in fluffy abstract terms, but a recent stroll through Apple’s App Store for the iPhone and iTouchMyselfPod was a more concrete exploration of what these terms really mean.

Simply put, the democratizing influence of convincing every mouth-breather that their American Life would be best spent on America Online has led to them believing that they should, nay, must make their every opinion known to all their peers surfing the tubes.

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Probably not but it made for a funny video…