TANcast

Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 12

Yeah, yeah, I know… This time it was a dick-punch.

Long, long ago, back when (or before?) some of you were actually in diapers, I did some development work (wait, didn’t I claim to have been a banker?) in C, C++, and Smalltalk. Recent career shifts got me back into programming by making me work with a Java-esque special-purpose language. I’ve also been trying to pick up and polish skills with PHP since that is the language that makes TANcast tick.

The recent events seem to have re-ignited my old interest in coding, so as I try to knock rust off of old knowledge and deal with the above I’ve also been starting to wade into Python and some Objective-C. I chose the former because, from all accounts, it is simple, sane, powerful, and Google loves it. Google is like the new IBM: nobody ever got fired for picking Google. I’m working on the latter because I regularly use a Mac for the first time since OS 8.1 was released.

All this résumé padding got me thinking: What else should I try to toss on that pile?

Then it hit me. I should join a high-IQ society. That won’t make me look egotistical or elitist, no sir. That may, in fact, be just the edge I need in this topsy-turvy economic climate!

I then spent at least 30 minutes trying to figure out just how high up the Ladder of Brainiacs my standardized test scores would entitle me to climb. The answer was enough to send me off on a new quest to figure out how to get old copies of my scores. Ego BOOST!

It didn’t take me long to figure out I’d wasted a ton of time internally bragging about how smart a test I took a decade and a half ago told me I was, rather than actually working on the skills I’d meant to attack in the first place.

I guess what I’m saying is that I am what you get when you stick a big brain in a lazy fucktard: lots of potential, but mediocre output…

… and I’m self-aware enough to know exactly how full of shit that makes me.

Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 11

Yes, I socked myself in the right nut and then backdated this post to Sunday.

I finally watched Beowulf with the wife last night. In short, my impression was: Gaimam is a talented writer (and I guess so is Avery), Zemeckis still has a hard-on for creepy CGI, and I feel like I’ve seen parts of this someplace else.

The underlying idea Gaiman and Avery set up is that the epic poem is the product of an unreliable narrator. A proud, boastful warrior has sold history his own biography as tall tale, and his loyal friend/kinsman can’t bear to see past the myth to the flawed man beneath. This idea that the poem I read 15 or so years ago was a snow job was compelling, and the writers used it as a fulcrum to shift the entire story away from having a one-dimensional hero kill a few zero-dimensional enemies/monsters. Instead they offer up a story of human vices and shortcomings, temptations and regrets, and heroic deeds born of pride and shame.

The technical execution was, to my taste, a little less excellent. While Beowulf’s eyes weren’t as death-thing-creepy as the passengers on The Polar Express, computer-generated humans still have the waxy, bouncy look of corpses on wires. Mocap has come a long way, but you can still see Pinocchio’s strings. The fire effects looked great, but the generous quantities of moving, splashing, foaming water looked like a cross between mercury and sand. I know the water-air boundary is hard to model, but it’s the director’s responsibility to choose shots that downplay any technical deficiencies. In fairness, I’m not sure this movie could have been made live action without thousands of effects shots and double the budget, and Robert Zemeckis deserves some credit for pushing the state of the art forward every time he does one of these all-CGI extravaganzas.

The artistic execution was a mixed bag. The cast turned in some excellent performances, for the most part, with Brendan Gleeson, Crispin Glover, and Anthony Hopkins standing out especially. On the other hand, like many epic or period pieces before it the accents somehow devolved into “pick your own British-ish delivery and try to stick with it”. Hearing John Malkovich’s unique drawl and Anthony Hopkins’ Welsh (I think) accent when both were supposed to be Danes, or Ray Winstone’s Cockney (again, I think) and Brendan Gleeson’s Irish accents when they played related Geats was just distracting. At least Alexander, for all its flaws, stuck to Irish accents for all the Macedonians and more posh British accents for the Greeks.

Parts of the movie were touching, parts were exciting, parts were distracting, and a few action scenes seemed really familiar.

I’d do the movie a disservice if I leave you with the impression that 300 fucked God of War and had a Beowulf. It wasn’t great, but some of it was excellent and the whole was at least good.

I’d watch it again some time. Y’know… If I run out of porn or something.

Another show worth nominating for best “comedy” podcast at podcastawards.com! This week the boys talk about exactly what you think they’d talk about on the 69th episode…politics, culture, and religion (no kidding). They also manage to talk about being a bad husband, babies, weddings, My Secret Ex-Girlfriend, The Cleveland Show, the pros and cons of losing cable, the bliss of owning your own Star Trek uniform, and the dangers of the Banana Spider. Read the rest of this entry »

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Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 10

It’s hard damn work being as seriously epic as I am.

In size.

Around the waist.

It’s like the opposite of conditioning yourself for a marathon. I studiously avoid even casual levels of exertion. I vigilantly watch my diet, lest an errant green threaten to unclog arteries and intestines. I am especially careful to make sure to maximize cheese intake.

Any combination of cheeses will do: breaded mozzarella sticks dipped in marinara, blue cheese dressing poured over buffalo chicken strips, Parmesan piled high on garlic bread… I could go on and on. Most days I do.

The real secret to cheese, though, is the magic that happens when it hits hot metal. I don’t think anyone can argue that best part of a quesadilla isn’t the runoff around the edges that crisps into those bubbly fans of deliciousness. Overzealous pizza topping application nets little slivers of brown treats on the pan surface, and I dare you not to pick those off when nobody is looking.

One day when I was about 7 I had an epiphany: Cut out the middle man and just fry up some fucking CHEESE!

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Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 9

This afternoon I was sitting at the computer, watching people with more active and interesting lives fail, when there was an unexpected friendly “shave-and-a-haircut” knock on my front door. I hopped up and, after a moment of frantic legs/pants battle and a quick check of my zipper, I waddled over, opened the door, …

… and almost fell into a porno.

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No need to waste time just look at this…

Wow…that was in my mouth…for years! It was yanked out this morning with not a lot of fanfare or fuss. For those who are interested in such things, I did not get “put under.” I didn’t even get any gas. I just got the same local you get when you’re getting a filling (something I have become all too familiar with)

But back to this tooth…or perhaps I should say this root with what’s left of what used to be a tooth… Read the rest of this entry »

Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 8

I just got a fireproof, waterproof external hard drive from ioSafe. Given the recent spate of end-of-days weather and my bout of terminal heathenism, I thought it best to be prepared. If they had one that was frog-, blood-, locust-, lightning bolt-, and zombie army-proof I’d probably have paid for the upgrade.

The only problem with owning such an awesomely serious piece of hardware (I swear to Super Panda this thing weighs 25 lbs.) is that you only get to show off the coolest features during an emergency.

I don’t know if I mentioned this on TANcast before, but I used to make my own black powder. My final presentation in High School Chemistry cleared a lecture hall. I’ve burned all the hair off one of my arms. More than once.

Do you see what I’m getting at here? Do you see how there may be a certain compulsion I’m choking back?

(Burn it all down!)

Wait. What was that?

(Oh shit! He can hear us?)

Um, I think I need to go take a cold shower in a dark room and think of things burning. No, NOT burning! Not.

Ah well. If we lose the house at least I know our taxes, Junior’s baby pictures, and my porn collection will be safe.

Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 7

I know I’ve played this tune before, but listen up, heathens: Daddy’s got something new for you to worship!

First some background, just in case you aren’t up to date on my drama:

I’ve recently been confronted with the uncomfortable fact of my own mortality and the realization that I might have 20-30 more years (tops) instead of the 40-50 I’d been planning for. As a friend pointed out this means I’m due for a mid-life crisis right about now.

I don’t fit in tiny little sports cars and my wife’s in her 20s so there’s no need to chase 20-something tail. That leaves me with “crisis of faith” or “binge drinking”, and as the son of an alcoholic son of an alcoholic the latter seems… ill-advised.

Crisis of faith it shall be!

Ahem! Ummmmmm. (cough) Aaaaaaaaah. Can you all hear me okay? Alright, here goes.

There is no God.

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I just got my Star Trek uniform in the mail today and it made me think about how I’ve wanted this thing since the early 90’s. Then I realized that my life now would really impress me as a kid. SO If I had a chance, these would be the things I would tell my younger self:

7) You know how you keep getting in trouble for trying to be funny in class…when you grow up, you will try and be funny for a living. (Don’t worry, little Tim doesn’t fully understand the value of money. He’ll think making $2,000 a year is a lot)

6) You’re going to live long enough to see a Black man become president…and all your White friends are gonna say that the two of you look alike.

5) One day you’re going to live down the street from Harrison Ford’s son’s restaurant

4) You will live long enough to see Michael Jackson become popular again (sadly, HE won’t)

3) You will be able to dress up like a Starfleet Captain, Superman, Darth Vader, Batman, or a Pirate at a moment’s notice because you will own all of those costumes (plus TWO Kermit the Frog puppets).

2) You are going to get a pass that will let you go to Disneyland everyday of the year!

1) You know all those girls who’ve been rejecting you? You’re going to meet a girl 10 times more beautiful, and smart, and funny and she’s going to spend the rest of her life with you…and you don’t even have to trick her!!!

Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 6

Image courtesy of Ticky_ on flickr

A bit over 4 years ago, Microsoft announced that they would be including a new document layout file format, later named the “XML Paper Specification“, with the release of Windows that would eventually be called Windows Vista.

The XPS format was intended to both compete with Adobe’s Portable Document Format in the field of a document layout (and for some hardware, the printer interface itself) and in some ways to replace the extremely long-in-tooth Windows Metafile/Enhanced Metafile format.  Ars Technica has a trio of writeups on this battle, if you care to read more.

Microsoft did ship Windows Vista with XPS support, but they also included it in the .NET Framework version 3.0 for Windows XP users. This was a smart move, given that Windows XP users didn’t exactly flock to Vista (in fact, many people counted as “Vista owners” aren’t).

The easiest way to make .XPS files is with the “Microsoft XPS Document Writer”, which acts as a standard Windows printer and allows you to create .XPS files from any application that can print.  Instead of spitting out a dead tree, you get a file that keeps your text and images exactly like you like and which can be taken to another computer/office/planet/plane of existence. Very handy.

As you can almost certainly surmise from this post’s title, it goes downhill from there…

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