TANcast

Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 22

I don’t know how it happened or when, but somebody hit Google Maps with a big ol’ Stupid Stick. Suddenly dozens of streets (including the one I live on) display the wrong name and most points of interest seem to be at least several hundred yards away from their actual location.

As an example, Google currently labels “Glenridge Pl. NE” in Atlanta, GA as “Johnson Ferry Rd. NE”, which is a nearby thoroughfare. If they haven’t fixed the problem by the time you read this, you can compare Google Maps to Yahoo! Maps and Bing Maps (previously called Windows Live Local, Windows Live Maps, and Live Search Maps, because Microsoft believes in brand confusion). If you look a little to the northeast, you’ll find a point of interest label for a Macy’s in the middle of a parking lot, though that’s less egregious than others I’ve seen.

Oddly, Google even seems to know it’s wrong. If you search for an existing address Google will still drop a pin on the correct street, even if that pin is right beside a street label that contradicts it.

We’ve all ceded control over “truth” to Google and Wikipedia, so maybe I should just give up and start using my new street name…

Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 21

I was shopping at the mall today and found some jeans built just how I likes my mens:

Loose and Straight

That’s right. I likes my mens made by Levi’s and on sale for half off. Big whoop! Wanna fight about it?

Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 18

One day, probably a Friday, while at Double D’s Sports Grille in Los Gatos, CA with Tim and Noah I got my hands on some crayons and a paper placemat. I proceeded to draw the punchline for the joke “What is green and red and goes 100 mph?” on said paper, because I am an idiot man-child.

When asked “What the hell is that?” I responded by writing the words “A cool, refreshing Frogarita!” under the picture.

This piece of infantile art and bit of juvenile humor started a quest to create an actual Frogarita. I succeeded because I am awesome, and also because I made up the rules for success and therefore had an excellent chance. I do touch the rule-maker’s penis from time to time.

What? (or for those who can’t see the interrobang, “What!”)

You succeed your way and I’ll succeed my way. Don’t come complaining to me because you’re less successful, crying about how I set my bar really low. Just because I successfully didn’t shit my pants yesterday (I also didn’t drink a Frogarita yesterday, and yes those are related stories), don’t try to claim that your failure to hike the entire Appalachian Trail because of a blizzard in Vermont means anything other than I am more successful than you.

At any rate (crybaby), enjoy the sweet taste (and booze) of my success.

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This week Tim and Noah record in the same room…and an awkward echo ensues. Sorry ’bout that. Read the rest of this entry »

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Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 17

I think I’ve been clear on my feelings towards attention-starved media whores.

On October 15th, the world waited for a little boy to pop out of a balloon his pseudo-scientist (oops, the polite term is “amateur scientist”) father built, or else for him to die horribly so we could all shake our heads and say “what a shame”, then resume searching the web for celebrity porn tapes. It turned out mostly okay.

Late that night, Wolf Blitzer, in his best imitation of Larry King, missed the little boy apparently giving away that the whole situation was a hoax (check out the 40s mark).

I was entirely unsurprised. Maybe it is because I assume people who have been on Wife Swap are attention whores. Maybe it is because I paid attention to Mythbusters. Or to Aesop.

Now the local authorities have begun investigations, and it seems Richard will have some ‘splaining to do.

This is the story I’ve been looking forward to; the one where the asshole who wasted time and taxpayer money gets what’s coming.

Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 16

I had a stupid idea, but what the hell, TANcast is a stupid place. Maybe it’s even unique. I certainly haven’t found it documented anywhere yet, despite my attempts to find any mention.

At any rate, if I thunk it up I get to name it and until I hear otherwise I’m calling it Brainf*ck Chess. It’s pronounced “Brainfuck Chess”, but I’m spelling it with an asterisk so people can print the name in semi-polite company.

The rules are as simple as they are (currently) poorly defined: This is standard chess, but the players switch sides. The colors still act in turn throughout the match, so the same person makes the move prior to and the move after each change of side.

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Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 15

Blah blah, late post, socked nuts…

I’ve been trying to locate a copy of a short story (~5000 words, I think) originally created for an English class back in 1998. I called it Paranoia, and it was essentially the diary of a madman.

Thanks to Hotmail’s old “log in regularly or your email archive goes away” policy, my 4 subsequent moves, and possible lending to an ex-girlfriend along the way I’m not even sure a copy still exists in the world except the general structure and some details that live on in my melon.

I’d probably be embarrassed to read it now anyways. I’m not saying 32 year-old Andy is a better writer than 21 year-old Andy, just that 32 year-old Andy is probably better at recognizing shit writing. I have read Digital Fortress in the meantime, after all.

Still, there’s a little voice in the back of my head that tells me I should rework Paranoia and see if I can get published in some shitty little dead-tree magazine. The reasons are complex.

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Ok…we’re all sick of hearing about “Balloon Boy” by now. It was lame, he was never in the baloon, yadda yadda yadda. I was ready to move on to the next thing too, then I logged into my e-mail account where Yahoo presents me with the top news stories.

At first I thought, “Geez! That kid is still the lead story. You people suck.” But then…something in that picture caught my eye which actually made me click on the story. When you see the photo full size, you’ll understand… Read the rest of this entry »

Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 14

The following is an open letter to the National Rifle Association, inspired the events of this morning.

Dear Pieces of Shit at the NRA:

I received a call today on behalf of your organization from (703) 656-9940. I’m uncertain whether I spoke to one of your paid staffers, a volunteer, or an agency you contracted, but regardless I am very clear on what the dishonest little turd was trying to accomplish.

Slathering the call with a thin veneer of legitimacy by couching it as a “one-question opinion poll”, your minion tried to drum up some sort of outrage (and presumably monetary support) by asking me whether I agreed with “the outrageous United Nations plan to ban guns in the United States”.

I was about as polite to that stupid cow as I am being to you right now. I have no patience for push polls and no respect for the sort of garbage that would resort to using them.

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Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 13

I just wanted to share with you all something I said to my then-not-yet-wife one evening in early December 2005:

Pink Meatstick of Death …

Pink Meatstick of DEATH !!!

Yeah, she didn’t get it either.