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Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 4

My last two stupid recipes were delicacies that could be turned quickly and effortlessly into poo. Witness, dearest readers, a concoction that you can convert instead directly into shame. Consumed in sufficient quantity, you might even augment the shame by pooing on yourself, especially if you are lactose-intolerant.

I am merely lactose-prejudiced, so I encounter only the regular levels of aftershame.

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This week you get a show worth nominating for best “comedy” podcast at podcastawards.com! Read the rest of this entry »

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Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 3

Note: I forgot to hit “Publish” before I went to bed last night. I have, as promised, socked myself in the left nut.

Maybe I didn’t notice this phenomenon as much in California, but it seems as if every other car in Georgia has some sort of signage (magnetic or otherwise) or paint-job (not poo-on-dick) that’s advertising the driver’s small business. In most cases these aren’t even company vehicles like delivery vans or work trucks; they’re just someone’s family car with a bunch of cheap stick-on lettering affixed to it.

On the one hand, I can’t help thinking “Jesus. These fucking eyesores are everywhere.” On the other hand, you  kind of have to hand it to these small business people. They clearly have a dream but not much budget, and they’re doing the best they can to boost business.

That said, I’d like to tell you all about a few that don’t seem to grasp certain nuances, namely that one should not drive around with one’s company name plastered all over one’s vehicle, then break the law in that vehicle.

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Recently Grammar Girl did a podcast entitled “How to Write a Complaint Letter”(which yu can find on her website: http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/ and it got me thinkin’…

Long ago, when the halls of MySpace were filled with people, I wrote a pair of blogs about some complain letters that I wrote to my corporate nemesis Mervyn’s. I found them and shall reproduce them for you now. Not only do I not follow the advice given by Grammar Girl, I also break all kinds of grammar rules to boot (which I’m sure comes as no surprise if you’ve ever read my blogs before).

So here is the first letter I wrote to Mervyn’s:

Dear fuckholes, Read the rest of this entry »

Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 2

It’s a real First World Problem to have, but I am a 30-something suburban dad so this is the kind of shit I spend actual time thinking about.

Should I buy a Xbox 360 or PlayStation 3?

Make no mistake: I eventually plan on owning both consoles. The dilemma is simply which to buy first.

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Earlier today I tweeted about a project. Here it is:

Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 1

Because I lack the ability to form original, meaningful thought, I am stealing Tim’s idea, like, whole. I’m just biting off him, completely shamelessly.

The only promise I make is that if I miss blogging at least once in any day in October I will punch myself in a testicle of my choice (the left one is getting uppity). Oh, and I’ll also try to be better about grammar and spelling than Tim was. Oh, and I’ll probably be less funny, more political. Oh, and I’ll do it while FUCKING YOUR MOM!!!

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

Enjoy the suck.

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 30

It’s time to play America’s favorite new game show…

That’s right, “Who’s the Douche?” The game where we show you an actual exchange on the internet and you decide who the bigger douche bag is.

Today’s game starts on a message board and continues into private messages. The two contestants shall be identified as “Possible Douche 1” (PD1) and “Possible Douche 2” (PD2). Ready to play? Here we go!!! Read the rest of this entry »

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 29

If you’re on Facebook and you have more than 2 friends, you’ve probably gotten a message that one of your friends has “tagged” you in a photo. Then you click on it only to find out the “photo” is actually a grid that says things like “my funny friend,” “my friend with the best hair,” “my friend I miss most” etc. Then you keep getting notified as the other people who were tagged keep making comments on the photo. No big deal in the grand scheme of life…but still annoying, am I right?

May I humbly offer the solution? Just post the picture below on your page and then tag everyone who has tagged you in one of those photos before. Not only will they delete you from their Facebook friends…they may never speak to you again.

(click the grid to see it full size)

BTW-If any of you post this and tag me…you’re so dead.

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 28

I finally called to make an appointment with an oral surgeon today to get my top two wisdom teeth removed. My wife will be happy because I have been putting this off for quite some time…as in, over two years. That’s a year per impacted tooth!

The thing is, I don’t have a good reason for putting it off. When I put off making the bed, that’s because I have no desire to make the bed. It’s the same for doing the dishes, taking out the garbage, or watching “What Not To Wear,” I’m putting those things off because I’d rather not do them (in the latter case, I’d rather do everything else on the list 2 or 3 times before that.) The great thing about procrastination is that sometimes if you put something of long enough…you don’t have to do it at all. So, really, you didn’t procrastinate, you won!

But with the wisdom teeth, that is not the case. I would like these things removed. In fact on of them has cracked to the point that it has a sharp edge that stabs my cheek whenever I bite…or talk…or yawn…or move my mouth in the slightest. So you would think I’d be Johnny-On-The-Spot with the appointment , but now. I let it go for more than 2 years. And I’m not one of those guys who has a fear of the dentist. I have a fear of dental bills, but that’s hardly the same.

I thought I just procrastination as a means to an end…simply a way for me to put off (and sometimes avoid) things I don’t want to do. But apparently, I actually enjoy procrastinating (like writing this blog instead of fleshing out a new joke). That’s a little scary. Not only do I have an inexplicable enjoyment for the act of procrastinating…I apparently value it more than my own physical well being.

This can’t end well…

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 27

Every so often my mind goes on weird, random tangents when I drive at night. Tonight as I drove to pick up my wife from the airport I thought, “I wonder what people on other planets are doing right now.”

I am, of course, taking it as a given that there are other planets with life on them out there somewhere. But, I am not talking about what their scientists are doing. I’m sure they’re sending out probes and satellites trying to find intelligent life and having just about as much luck as we are. What I’m wondering about is Joe Blow alien. What’s he doing right now?

Probably just normal things like we are. There’s probably some alien yelling at his kids right now because they won’t stop fighting. Isn’t that a weird thought? Some alien dad yelling at his kids…right as you read this. We don’t look the same, communicate in the same way, or even observe time in the same manner…but those kids are getting a talking to from G’nok that they won’t soon forget.

And an alien is probably taking a shit right now. Doesn’t that blow your mind? He’s not working on the Death Star, or adjusting the stargate, he’s taking a fat dump. Right now! He’s pinching of a mighty alien loaf while you’re sitting here reading this blog. With so many planets in the universe, it’s almost impossible that somebody on another planet ISN’T shitting right now. What if it doesn’t come out of his butt? What if he shoots it out of his fingers? Like when a douche back greets you by doing that fake gun thing with his hands…except a turn shoots out. And so they have to wear gloves all the time to cover their private parts. Somewhere zillions of light years away, some alien is finger pooping and there isn’t anything you can do about it. You won’t ever get to see it.

…I don’t encourage drug use (I don’t discourage it either…it’s not for me, but you do what you want. I’m not your father) however…I believe you should probably read this blog to your friend when he’s high. I am fairly sure an amusing freak out will result from it.