Failure comes standard



May 12th, 2008 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)

I started a new religion today; it must be Monday.

Here are the details so that you can see if it appeals to you, by which I mean:


As you can see from the post title, the religion is called “Jonesology”. We Jonesologists fervently adhere to the teachings of His Highest Holiness, Indiana the Second.

Some refer to our savior as “Henry the Second”, but these blasphemers do not understand the complex emotions of our Lord and how he loathes this appellation.  From the scripture it is clear that the cold, brilliant star that fathered him, Henry the First, is the only being who may call him by this epithet. Indiana the First was a false messiah, extolling the virtues of kibble and chasing rabbits across Utah, and we will not speak of him further.

There are three major scriptures and an apocrypha made up of 4 larger and 28 minor works which tell tales of our Lord in his youth. A fourth, possibly the final, scripture was foretold a generation ago and is finally to be revealed unto the faithful a scant 10 days hence.

This newest testament must be received by true believers wearing the Traditional Kilt. Knee socks are optional, but The Kilt is crucial.  No one is sure why, but we have it on good authority. Before the worship service begins (and buy your tickets early; it is expected to sell well!), a traditional meal of Taco Bell should be consumed to purify the bowels and prepare the heart for a clotting of pure joy.

Intolerance of those wearing The Kilt marks you as a heretic, which is a fate typically reserved for those who think Temple of Doom was the best of the accepted scriptures, and will call down a holy war upon your head.  Be warned, as we Jonesologists battle only with water balloons (in honor of His Holiness’ flexibility under pressure), but fill them with Jell-O (because Jell-O is freaking delicious) instead of water, denying our enemies precious water which they might use to spit upon us.

As a heretic, unfortunately, you will only be worthy of sugar-free grape-flavor Jell-O with banana slices and pear chunks mixed in.  I’m sorry.

If you are branded a heretic, take heart: You probably won’t have trouble avoiding the attacks as they can only take place, like His Holiness’ adventures, during summer break, and kilt-wearers holding purple water balloons and trying to scream the Hymn of John Williams without passing out in the heat are hard to overlook.  We are forbidden to commence attack until the full hymn is sung, or else the Blessed Ford will make “Firewall 2” and the world will eat itself.

On a wholly unrelated topic, our holy wars never seem to turn out how we’d like.  We blame the Quartermainiacs.

In point of fact, the US Census Bureau does not list any practicing Jonesologists in the greater Atlanta metro area (as of 2000), so I may be the only practitioner.  This will probably make the prospects of committing such heresy a little less frightening to you if you live in Georgia, but we can’t have everything, can we.

2 Responses to “Jonesology”

  1. MikeNo Gravatar Says:

    Andy, I know this was posted ages ago, but since I just recently found my way to the TANcast (read:I ignored Tim’s orders to come here in his videos and stuff), I hope my late comment can be overlooked. I just think you are the freakin’ man! First of all, I want to comment on the ad that is currently on my screen, advertising kilt rentals…. that scares me. But on to more important things. You are second in awesomeness, only to His Highest Holiness. Indiana the Second. All of your posts kick major ass. I do have one small question about Jonesology before I really decide it is for me. I have seen the major scriptures (all four of them), but I do not recall anything about an afterlife. Do we get to spend eternity joining Indiana the Second on his many adventures? Or do we watch them? Or something else entirely? Personally, I am hoping for one of the first two…

  2. KikiNo Gravatar Says:

    Wow. Just stumbled across this old gem. Hello from the future!!

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