Commentary without conscience or consequence



July 31st, 2009 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)

I think I’m done with July.

I mean, I bought a my first house in July, my mom’s birthday is in July, my wedding anniversary is in July, the 4th of July is in July, but I think I’m just done with it, on the whole.

Two weeks ago my wife and I had finished celebrating 3 years of marriage and were getting ready for bed when my cell phone rang. I ignored it because it was my dad’s phone, it was 11:30 at night, and I figured he was calling to wish us happy anniversary and lost track of the time difference. At 12:04 it rang again and I figured I should answer. The strange voice asking me my name and whether my dad was my dad told me just about everything I needed to know.

Some day I’ll hear the words I spoke at his funeral. I can’t remember any of them, but I’m told there was a recording made. I do know that I stood in a church and heard a lot of other people talk about how it was God’s plan and how my dad was in a better place. I feel like I should say “I wish I could believe it”, but I don’t think I do wish that.

Heart attacks killed my father’s father just short of his 53rd birthday and my father at 59 1/2. My dad did live long enough to see both son’s married and meet 3 infant grandsons, unlike his father, two of who’s sons were teenagers when he died. Still, he’ll never come visit me again. He’ll never drive his Miata down sun-drenched California highways again. He’ll never IM me with banal questions about the weather in Georgia while I’m trying to power through a project again.

I was raised to believe in a loving power who took my father home to eternal rest and peace, but I live in a rational world governed by laws of causality and physics and let me tell you these last 2 weeks feel more like the cold randomness of a unfeeling universe than some supreme being’s greater good.

But if God exists, then He’s a prick for taking my dad when his grandsons are too young to remember him.

I think I’m done with Him and His plan.

And I think I’m done with July…

6 Responses to “Catharsis”

  1. AndyNo Gravatar Says:

    I’ll be funny again some other month. Maybe August. Tune in tomorrow.

  2. NickNo Gravatar Says:

    Sorry to hear the bad news, hopefully August will be a kickass month.

  3. Mike (TANcast's #1 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Sorry to hear all that, Andy. I wish I could offer you comforting words about God’s plan and all that, but I wouldn’t be being honest with you or myself. So instead, I’ll just say that I hope August is better. And I hope next July is better than this July.

  4. Jess (Andy's #1 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Sorry to hear the news Andy. The TANcast-iverse will be here when you are ready to entertain us. Until then take care of yourself and know there are a lot of people you have never met that are wishing you the best.

  5. Bryce (Tancasts #3 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Ditto with Jess.

    I felt similar feelings when my grandmother, who raised me, died (heart attack at 54) when I was 13. She dropped me off at a music store while she went to walmart and never picked me up. I was already on the fence with religion and that pushed me to a more logical side. I feel for you and wish you the best.

  6. DeanNo Gravatar Says:

    Horrible news… my sympathies to you and appreciation to your father for creating 1/3 of TANcast

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