Verbal Self-Gratification


Rejected by Cracked: If Movies Were Realistic

May 25th, 2011 . by Tim Babb (TANcast's #1 Host/Editor Fan)

Movies aren’t always realistic…but what if they were? What would things look like if Hollywood tried to “keep it real?” Well, if you go by the Cracked Photoshop contest about it, it looks mostly like a bunch of Star Wars jokes and Harry Potter getting raped and murdered (Really, Cracked? #1 for that?) But if you go by just my entries, it looks more like this…

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – Nuking the Fridge
It’s the scene everyone talked about…including us in our first episode of TANcast. To be fair, this one wasn’t “rejected” but it was placed at number 18. Number 18? I thought it deserved better. Especially since I made the extra in-joke of using Uncle Owen’s skeleton form Star Wars.

Hulk – Bruce Banner Dies
C’mon now! We all know Bruce wouldn’t have survived that crap.

Batman Returns – Bruce Wayne’s Eye Make Up
This always bugged the crap out of me as a kid. In the movie, he takes of his mask and has a perfectly clean face. Where did his eye make up go? We can see he’s wearing it! Don’t pretend like the movies suddenly got goofy when Schumacher took over!

Superman Returns – Bugs in His Grill
I was amazed at how many Superman entries there were. Sadly mine was the only one that made it (at #10…really? This is better than the Indiana Jones fridge? How?!) I was gonna do this with Christopher Reeve…but it felt wrong.

Scream – Killer Garage Door
I’ll admit the execution isn’t the best on this one, but this scene always bugged me. No way a garage door would have lifted Rose McGowan’s fat ass* off the ground. I’ve held on to a garage door and it wouldn’t even lift ME…and I don’t have two massive fun bags weighing me down! (*fat by Hollywood standards…not real humans)

Speed – The Bus Jumps a Gap
This was the one that I was AMAZED didn’t make the list. Everyone mocks this scene and I have to say I totally nailed it. It’s the bus from Speed doing exactly what it would do after hitting a gap in the freeway…plummeting straight to Earth, killing everyone on board before the bomb even goes off. If nothing else, I’m sure Andy likes this one.

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