Halfy, Honky, Halfy


Stupid Recipes: Fried Cheese

October 10th, 2009 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)

Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 10

It’s hard damn work being as seriously epic as I am.

In size.

Around the waist.

It’s like the opposite of conditioning yourself for a marathon. I studiously avoid even casual levels of exertion. I vigilantly watch my diet, lest an errant green threaten to unclog arteries and intestines. I am especially careful to make sure to maximize cheese intake.

Any combination of cheeses will do: breaded mozzarella sticks dipped in marinara, blue cheese dressing poured over buffalo chicken strips, Parmesan piled high on garlic bread… I could go on and on. Most days I do.

The real secret to cheese, though, is the magic that happens when it hits hot metal. I don’t think anyone can argue that best part of a quesadilla isn’t the runoff around the edges that crisps into those bubbly fans of deliciousness. Overzealous pizza topping application nets little slivers of brown treats on the pan surface, and I dare you not to pick those off when nobody is looking.

One day when I was about 7 I had an epiphany: Cut out the middle man and just fry up some fucking CHEESE!

Fried Cheese

  1. Get some cheese. Cheddar, Swiss, Co-Jack, it doesn’t matter. Pick and mix your favorites.
  2. Warm up a frying pan.
  3. Slice or grate the cheese.
  4. Drop the cheese in the pan forming a layer about an eighth of an inch thick.
  5. Wait for the cheese to liquefy and begin to bubble vigorously near the middle.
  6. Using a pan-safe spatula, try to fold and flip the cheese mess.
  7. As soon as the cheese clearly changes color remove the pan from heat.
  8. Place the fried wad of cheese on a paper towel to cool and drain.

There will be a lot of popping cheese grease as you cook. Do not prepare this dish in the nude, no matter how sexy frying cheese makes you feel. There will be plenty of opportunity to smear the cheese grease over your naked self once it has cooled a bit.

Alternately, I find the cheese grease to make an excellent dipping sauce for the friend cheese and, when mixed with cheap vodka, a peerless apéritif. Suit yourselves.

8 Responses to “Stupid Recipes: Fried Cheese”

  1. GeoffNo Gravatar Says:

    Holy cheese, I’m hungry. Damn you!

  2. MelanieNo Gravatar Says:

    Parmesan. Or even better, Parmesan and Asiago. They call it “frico.”

  3. Bryce (Tancasts #3 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    I’ve done it.

  4. DeanNo Gravatar Says:

    Think I saw them make frico on America’s Test Kitchen…

  5. Mike (TANcast's #1 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Pepper Jack, Provolone, and sharp cheddar…. Maybe even sprinkle some fresh grated Parmesan on top…. And blue cheese dressing instead of the cheese grease as a dipping sauce. Actually, scratch the blue cheese. There are two cheese tribunals. There’s the good…. I HAVE MY TOPIC FOR NANOWRIMO! Andy, I owe you big for this particular recipe…

  6. Mike (TANcast's #1 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    I just realized how stupid that last comment sounded, so I should probably explain. When I was a little kid, I decided my favorite kinds of cheese were the good cheese gods, and the cheeses I didn’t like, were the evil cheese gods. I thought of that during the comment… and I needed a topic for National Novel Writing Month. The thought of the “Cheese Tribunals” gave me the idea I needed. So now it just needs to be November so I can get to work on my novel.

  7. Melanie ("The Princess")No Gravatar Says:

    TANcast – inspiring the next Great American Novel about Cheese.

  8. Mike (TANcast's #1 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Melanie, I think it’s safe to say my NaNo novel won’t be the next great anything. It’s about cheese, and the people fighting for the cheese.
    Also, I think this is one of those times it becomes painfully obvious that I’m a fat guy. lol

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