Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 10
It’s hard damn work being as seriously epic as I am.
Around the waist.
It’s like the opposite of conditioning yourself for a marathon. I studiously avoid even casual levels of exertion. I vigilantly watch my diet, lest an errant green threaten to unclog arteries and intestines. I am especially careful to make sure to maximize cheese intake.
Any combination of cheeses will do: breaded mozzarella sticks dipped in marinara, blue cheese dressing poured over buffalo chicken strips, Parmesan piled high on garlic bread… I could go on and on. Most days I do.
The real secret to cheese, though, is the magic that happens when it hits hot metal. I don’t think anyone can argue that best part of a quesadilla isn’t the runoff around the edges that crisps into those bubbly fans of deliciousness. Overzealous pizza topping application nets little slivers of brown treats on the pan surface, and I dare you not to pick those off when nobody is looking.
One day when I was about 7 I had an epiphany: Cut out the middle man and just fry up some fucking CHEESE!
- Get some cheese. Cheddar, Swiss, Co-Jack, it doesn’t matter. Pick and mix your favorites.
- Warm up a frying pan.
- Slice or grate the cheese.
- Drop the cheese in the pan forming a layer about an eighth of an inch thick.
- Wait for the cheese to liquefy and begin to bubble vigorously near the middle.
- Using a pan-safe spatula, try to fold and flip the cheese mess.
- As soon as the cheese clearly changes color remove the pan from heat.
- Place the fried wad of cheese on a paper towel to cool and drain.
There will be a lot of popping cheese grease as you cook. Do not prepare this dish in the nude, no matter how sexy frying cheese makes you feel. There will be plenty of opportunity to smear the cheese grease over your naked self once it has cooled a bit.
Alternately, I find the cheese grease to make an excellent dipping sauce for the friend cheese and, when mixed with cheap vodka, a peerless apéritif. Suit yourselves.