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TANcast 283 – If Smiles Were Dollars, They Would Have Had Millions

April 14th, 2014 . by Tim Babb (TANcast's #1 Host/Editor Fan)

This week Andy enjoys “breakfast pie,” Tim and Noah see Captain America: The Winter Soldier, and the “Worst. Movie. Ever. Tournament” continues with House of the Dead 2 vs Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor.

00:00 – 00:56 Disclaimer
00:56 – 02:53 Intro
02:53 – 04:05 TANcast Shout Out
04:05 – 15:47 How the #$%* was your week?
15:47 – 29:51 Captain America 2 Review (No spoilers)
29:51 – 59:06 Worst. Movie. Ever. Tournament
59:06 – 60:14 Wrap Up
60:14 – 61:09 ?????

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

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My cell phone just called itself! MySpace Flashback

April 18th, 2014 . by Tim Babb (TANcast's #1 Host/Editor Fan)

Tim Babb’s April Foolishness
Day 18

The following is one of my “classic” blogs from MySpace, back on March 7, 2007

What the?!!!

I was sitting at my computer and my cell went off. I went to see who was calling and it said, “Me!”

“Me” is my own cell number I have programed into the phone. I stared at it for a while…trying to figure out how what I was seeing could possibly be happening.

My cell phone is ringing…and the person on the other end is me…but I that can’t be, because I’m holding the cell phone. And yet, there it is ringing away in my hand.

I was so dumb struck that I didn’t answer it…and wouldn’t you know it…I didn’t leave a message. Isn’t that so like me? What a d***. If I’m gonna call myself, I should at least leave me a message about why I called.

But I’m still lost on how it could have happened? Is the government screwing with me for listening to Al Franken on You Tube? Is the New AT&T having trouble swallowing Cingular and this is just one of the side effects…or…

Maybe I was sent back in time in the future and there is another me here! And maybe future me was trying to call and warn me about something. (I wish future me had gone back a few more days and told me which lottery numbers to pick)

But wait…if it was me from the future, wouldn’t I know that I didn’t answer the call…and that I wrote this goofy blog about it?

…wait…maybe that was future me’s plan all along. To get me to post this blog…and then others would read it and maybe they would come out to Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale this Sunday for Geek Comedy Night! Especially after they clicked on the link to the Rooster T. Feathers website. Or perhaps the link to the Geek Comedy Night Myspace Profile.

Wow…my future self is a shamless whore.

Side note: That show went great, but I never figured out why I called myself

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Yo Quiero Some Basic Respect

April 17th, 2014 . by Tim Babb (TANcast's #1 Host/Editor Fan)

Tim Babb’s April Foolishness
Day 17

Shooting for a little less controversy with today’s blog. I just sat through my contender for next week’s “Worst. Movie. Ever. Tournament,” so I don’t have the strength to write much. Thankfully, Noah and I had this interchange of text messages earlier and it’s totally worth sharing…

I didn’t ask Noah the race of the guy who gave him the dollar…but my racist sense is tingling.

Also, I don’t think Noah fully appreciated how ironic it was to call me out on my typo when the text he sent before mine was a TRAIN WRECK! Hook yourself on phonics, ya qumph!

Merry Christmas!

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Priorities

April 16th, 2014 . by Tim Babb (TANcast's #1 Host/Editor Fan)

Tim Babb’s April Foolishness
Day 16

Noted scholar and intellectual juggernaut, Bristol Palin posted a pro-life image macro on her Facebook page the other day. Since one of my friends reposted it, I got to see it. Since I got to see it, you have to suffer through this rant. Just a heads up, I’m not here to change anyone’s mind about abortion, just to pick apart this stupid image:

So much is wrong up there, I’m not sure where to begin. I guess I’ll start with the obvious. Yes it is illegal for me to destroy some eagle’s egg. However, it would also be illegal for me to abort some lady’s pregnancy. Despite the text, “legal to kill for any reason,” I would not be within my legal rights to do so. A woman can decide to terminate HER OWN pregnancy, but that’s not the same as “legal to kill for any reason.” Conversely, if an eagle decided to destroy her own egg, she would be allowed to. The law in question does not apply to the eagle who laid the egg. It helps to compare apples to apples. Read the rest of this entry »

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Don’t Read the Comments

April 15th, 2014 . by Tim Babb (TANcast's #1 Host/Editor Fan)

Tim Babb’s April Foolishness
Day 15

I follow the Twitter account @AvoidComments. This account just randomly posts variations on one piece of advice: Don’t read the comments. I’ve always thought it was amusing, but never realized how true it was until today.

I was reading a news article about a 4 year old boy who died and was given a Star Wars funeral…because sometimes you just need to read about soul crushing sadness. Anyway, for some reason, I scrolled down to the comments where I came across this:

He was obviously a huge blessing from God to his family and those who knew him. This is the most amazing “final gift” that I have ever seen. May his family be comforted till they see him again. God bless.

Ok…so far so good. A supportive message. Nothing to make you lose your faith in humanity, right? Well wait until you see what the first reply to this comment was…

Oh f*** you. Your fantasy sky fairy is the one who sentenced him to death with a brain tumor in the first place! Take your baseless, fake beliefs and shove them up your ass you f****** simpleton. God. F*** you.

Really? REALLY?! What the hell is wrong with this qumph?! This reply serves no purpose.

There’s no way you changed the first commenter’s mind about God. You didn’t offer any relief to the grieving family. The only thing you’ve accomplished is being a spectacular douche.

When even an article about the death of a 4 year old ends up being besmirched by some tool bag with a political axe to grind…maybe it’s time we give up on the internet.

..and perhaps in man kind as a whole.

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The End of Truthiness?

April 14th, 2014 . by Tim Babb (TANcast's #1 Host/Editor Fan)

Tim Babb’s April Foolishness
Day 14

A few hours after we were done recording the last episode, Andy texted me lamenting the fact that we didn’t discuss Stephen Colbert taking over for David Letterman. Selfishly, I thought, “Oh good! I get another blog topic!”

I am of mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I’ve been a fan of Stephen Colbert for years, so I’m very happy to see good things happen for him. (Also, I feel like this probably pisses Suey Park off. That makes me happy).

But, apparently, Stephen has said he will not be keeping his “Stephen Colbert” character. That makes me very sad. His over the top bravado and willful ignorance was such a fun and different offering in the late night landscape. As much as I love the Daily Show (and I do), it was always the Colbert Report I could count on to make me laugh out loud every time. I don’t doubt that Mr. Colbert has many other talents to bring to bare when he makes the move to CBS, I’m just going to miss this particular one.

Another thing that makes this move bittersweet is the fact that Comedy Central will undoubtedly pull down all their clips from old Colbert Report shows. I love diving into the archive to relive some of the old brilliance of Colbert. But soon I won’t be able to. So sad..so vary sad.

Quick, while they’re still here, let’s watch one of my favorite clips from the Colbert Report. (Republican readers, fear not…it’s 100% non-partisan) Enjoy.

Congratulations, Stephen…but Stephen will be missed.

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What a Piece of Sith

April 13th, 2014 . by Tim Babb (TANcast's #1 Host/Editor Fan)

Tim Babb’s April Foolishness
Day 13

Another blast from my MySpace past! These are a pair of blogs I wrote about the final chapter in the Star Wars prequel trilogy, Revenge of the Sith. This first blog was written on May 18, 2005, after seeing an advanced screening before the film officially opened in theaters.

Don’t Believe the Star Wars Hype!!!

It’s no coincidence that “Sith” is a scramble of “Shit” Okay…that is too harsh. But The movie is not the amazing piece of Star Wars worth genius that Lucas, Spielberg, and even Kevin Smith are making it out to be. I don’t post this to convince you not to see the movie…I just don’t want your hopes as high as mine were when I went to see it. Go see it. You will more than likely enjoy it, but it will not meet your expectations.

I know what you’re thinking, “After Episode I and II my expectations are pretty low.”

You say that but admit it. All this talk on tv, radio, magazines…even the internet…you’re slowly getting convinced that this movie is a giant leap forward from Phantom and Clones. It’s not. It is better. I’ll go so far to say it’s much better. (Especially much better than Phantom) but it’s still not a “great” movie. And it’s still quite clearly in the Episode I and II ballpark and not anywhere near “IV, V, or VI.” I had bought into the hype that this was the movie that was gonna redeem the other two because it was so awesome. It doesn’t and it isn’t.

I will say the movie has many good points: Yoda looks amazing! (They’ve really spent some time improving CGI because he looks like a real…um…green thing) General Grevious actually looks pretty good too Ewan McGreggor turns in another fine performance! It is cool to hear Darth Vader talk again The darkness is definitely there. There are parts that are way darker than Empire ever was.

But they are balanced by the bad points: There are still glaring inconsistencies with the real Star Wars Trilogy. Anakin is still a whiny bitch. The special effects are still too phony looking (Less so than the first two, I’ll readily admit) Much of the acting is very wooden (Sammy…why?) Mace goes out like a BITCH! (Hell no! He’s a Bad Motha F***a!) R2 D2 is almost the Jar Jar Binks of this movie. And he again has new abilities that seem like they might have come in handy during IV, V and/or VI …ugh

All in all, it’s just a movie and the world will keep spinning and I will go about the rest of my life relatively unchanged All I’m saying is keep your expectations reasonably low. Better to say “Tim was way off the mark, that movie wasn’t so bad.” than to say, “What the hell is wrong with Kevin Smith?! I got my hopes up for THAT?!”

May the Force be with you.

That’s all well and good. Typical Star Wars nerd hating on Episode III. Nothing too amazing right? Well check out my very next blog from May 25…

Star Wars Hype: Second Thoughts

Okay…now I’ve read the novel (Yes actually read it! No book on tape this time) and I’ve seen it a second time and while I still don’t like Hayden’s performance. (He would have done well to study James Earl Jones’s tempo and manner of speech to turn his darker moments to more sinister rather than whiny.) I enjoyed the movie more. Knowing some of the things that the book expands upon made the movie feel a little more complete. And when I sat back and watched it without expectations it was indeed a fun little movie. Whether or not it fits into the “Star Wars” mythos and grandeur is irrelevant…it was a fun movie to watch and that’s all it’s supposed to be.

Wow. I actually paid to watch it a second time and then found excuses not to hate it. What a qumph!

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Class of 95….@$% you too!

April 12th, 2014 . by Tim Babb (TANcast's #1 Host/Editor Fan)

Tim Babb’s April Foolishness
Day 12

You may have read back in September that MySpace had deleted all our blogs from their website. Well, they actually sent them to the people who asked for them. ANd I was one of those people. So today, for some easy content, I’m going to take you back to February 28, 2005 to read what 28 year-old Tim had on his mind:

I didn’t get invited to my high school reunion! If I hadn’t seen my room mate’s invitation on the kitchen table, I never would have known about it. That’s ..@$%ed up! I mean. I received my fair share of snubs back in high school, but I don’t think I was THAT disliked!

“Hey the whole class is getting back together for a reunion.”

“That’d be great…oh wait….that Tim guy isn’t coming, is he?”

“Good lord no!”

It goes without saying, now that I know when the reunion is, I’m going to crash it. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will be the one who’s done the least with his life. I’ve got a job that, while fun, is not exactly gonna put me on the Fortune 500 list anytime soon…in fact I’d be lucky to make the Fortune 29,408,223. I’m not married or even in a serious relationship. I’ve still never left the country…that’s right, not even Mexico or Canada! How is that possible?! Even drunk on a bet you make it to Canada!* I am living the dream of being a stand-up comic, but based on the three times I was booed off the stage in high school, they’re not gonna be too impressed with that. But I’m going anyway, you know why? Me neither! I wasn’t invited and I have nothing to brag about but I’m going anyway. What kinda dumb ass am I? no wonder they didn’t invite me!

*That bit of comedy was courtesy of Lewis Black making fun of our 43rd President. Sadly the same lack of culture critique applies to me as well.

I actually didn’t end up going to this reunion. Did I chicken out? Nope. Did I decide it wasn’t worth it? Nope. I just forgot what weekend it was. I had every intention of going until I got to work one morning and found the message “Where were you?” in my inbox from one of the people who DID go to the reunion. Rebel fail!

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Daddy’s Day

April 11th, 2014 . by Tim Babb (TANcast's #1 Host/Editor Fan)

Tim Babb’s April Foolishness
Day 11

I probably should be blogging about Stephen Colbert or the new Captain America movie…but there will be time for that on this week’s podcast. Right now, my son is taking his nap in the next room and I’m reflecting on our day today.

WARNING: “Feet kicking” ahead

image
Pictured: “Live entertainment” for a 2 year-old

I love Fridays because they are “Daddy Days.” It’s just me and the kid. Not that I don’t love having mommy around (I did marry her…on purpose and everything). But Fridays, I set the schedule, and make the calls, and deal with the repercussions of those calls. I never feel more like “dad” than on Fridays. Read the rest of this entry »

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Children’s Literature Reviews: Froggy Eats Out

April 10th, 2014 . by Tim Babb (TANcast's #1 Host/Editor Fan)

Tim Babb’s April Foolishness

Day 10

Children’s books seem to get a pass on criticism…but I don’t know why. A lot of these books could use a few more rewrites before they hit the shelves. One such book is Froggy Eats Out

My son is obsessed with the “Froggy” series of books. Froggy is kind of like Curios George, except he’s a frog and he’s not so much curious as he is a total screw up. I don’t mean the loveable kinda of screw up like Charlie Brown either. A running theme I’ve noticed in children’s books is main characters who behave poorly and receive little to no consequences for it. That brings us to Froggy Eats Out. Read the rest of this entry »

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