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Coming Out Party

March 31st, 2009 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)

Fuck it. I’ve been dancing around, trying to keep everything consistent, and it’s getting confusing. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and I’ve come to the conclusion it just isn’t worth the effort anymore.

It’s time to unmask the monkey…

Honeymooning with the Wife

Honeymooning with the Wife

My name is J. Randall Simmons, and no, I’m not related to Gene Simmons. That isn’t even his real name, goddamn it.

All the men in the family get called by their middle names, and I’ve been “Andy” ever since I was a baby when my mom’s very proper English father refused to call me “Randy” on principle. Supposedly one of the only times he’d been heard to curse was when he said to my father “Why not just call him ‘I Like to Fuck’?”

Up until a few months ago I was the only IT worker in the Athens, Georgia office of a major metal foundry (we also dealt with recycling a bunch of different alloys), though they’ve since outsourced all IT functions to another company. I was actually born here and moved to Northern California during my freshman year of high school when my parents split up. I met Tim in high school and Noah a few years later when I moved to San Jose for school. Noah and I worked together for a short while at the foundry company’s main Western Region office before they offered to move me and my wife back out here.

I know I’ve implied I live in or near Cobb County on a few podcasts, but that was all misdirection, I’m afraid. My dad’s brother and his family life in Marietta, so I know the area well enough to fake it. Clarke County, born and bred.

So, there you have it. I’m a big fat liar head. Still, all the cards are finally out on the table and I can stop trying to keep all this shit straight.

To any potential employers who Googled me and found this, turn back now. TANcast is completely uncensored, unfettered, and often untrue. Whatever you hear or read on this site may be my honest opinion or it may be me saying something just to be ironic, funny, shocking, or all of the above. Don’t for a second think you’ve found out some big secret about me. My personal amusement is none of your concern.


“Mysterious” Andy

PS: I may need to change the user ID on my Twitter account now…

31 Responses to “Coming Out Party”

  1. Murray (TANcast's #1 Aussie fan) Says:

    Woohoo! I can see yer boobies.

    And damnit, as I always suspected, you’re not a real fatass at all! 🙂

  2. Alissa (TANcast's #1 Female Fan) Says:

    Oh I get it…it’s midnight in Georgia.

  3. Murray (TANcast's #1 Aussie fan) Says:

    Oh.. and I forgot my other comment:
    “and no, I’m not related to Gene Simmons”

    So just Richard then?

    “In hell, excel, in hell, excel” – a young Murray’s interpretation of what Richard Simmon’s said when excercising – was RC foretelling the coming of a Microsoft spreadsheet, or just encouraging a demonic lifestyle?

    (it was “Inhale, exhale” for non-afficionados)

  4. Murray (TANcast's #1 Aussie fan) Says:

    Argh dagnabit. 🙂

  5. Andy Says:

    Actually, it’s 1:20am in Georgia, but the timestamp on this post was ~8:00pm EDT.

    Murray, the pic is almost 3 years old, and you’ll notice there’s a hand and a boob covering the love-handle regions.

  6. Murray (TANcast's #1 Aussie fan) Says:

    Dude, it it was me, there’d be a gut covering that hand and that boob. 🙂

  7. Luke Wall-E (TANcast's #4 Fan) Says:

    April Fools!

  8. Nate Says:

    Oh Andy, such a veiled attempt. A for effort though.

  9. DJ Technoid (TANcast's Numberless Fan) Says:

    So that’s why Tim mentioned that Cobb County theater on the podcast, just to needle you that I might have known where it was, haHA!
    Good one Tim!

  10. Andy Says:

    Man, I guess you just shouldn’t post anything within a day of April 1. Nobody’s gonna believe you…

  11. Bryce (Tancasts #3 Fan) Says:

    I’m not sure what to think.

  12. Dean Says:

    Better than when Deep Throat revealed himself… yeah, not a fatass in that picture, but perhaps marriage, an IT job and fatherhood has added to the waistline?

    Hankering for some 4-Cheese Macaroni right about now…

  13. Jess (TANcasts 1200th Customer) Says:

    I don’t believe it one bit.


  14. Bryce (Tancasts #3 Fan) Says:

    Yeah, I second that. I have my theory set in my mind.

  15. Mike (TANcast's #1 Fan) Says:

    You could have made us believe you if you had shown the Crocs on your feet in addition to the picture above. Because we would then have no choice but to believe the Man Behind the Chimp is in fact the chimp. I’m pretty sure there aren’t many men with those shorts and crocs. In fact, I’m pretty sure there aren’t many men with crocs period. Wow… what episode of TANcast was that? lol

  16. Andy Says:

    I bought the Crocs just before my wife went to the hospital. I didn’t have them on my honeymoon.



  17. Mike (TANcast's #1 Fan) Says:

    I’m going to listen to that episode again. The shame in your voice as you admit to owning crocs was extremely amusing

  18. Bryce (Tancasts #3 Fan) Says:

    I made a joke about the serial killer thing you said today. It’s ok. I’ve railed against/wanted want Crocs for years now. Really just to put Disney Jibbitz things in them. Sickly, the only reason I want them….or the Mickey Crocs .

    Speaking of the subject – I’m really disappointed in Tim. I got two paradigm switch Mickey Mouse/Skull and Crossbones tattoos and even called him out on it for not being obsessed enough. Twice. No response. What the hell? Make fun of me or something?

    Also: It’s been a while while since a TANcast Meltdown. At least one that was filmed.

  19. Tim (TANcasts #1 Host/Editor Fan) Says:

    Bryce…I was saving it up…building the suspense…now you’ve ruined it. Thanks a lot 🙁

  20. Alissa (TANcast's #1 Female Fan) Says:

    No TANcast Meltdown will ever be as great as the original. Can you guess why?!?!

  21. Tim (TANcasts #1 Host/Editor Fan) Says:

    Could it be because we mentioned a certain someone who is writing a musical about Disneyland at this website?

  22. Bryce (Tancasts #3 Fan) Says:

    Tim, you win because of proximity. You’re basically IN Disneyland while I have to drive 9 hours.

  23. Alissa (TANcast's #1 Female Fan) Says:

    Haha oh Tim you know me so well. And thanks for the free publicity!

  24. Luke Wall-E (TANcast's #4 Fan) Says:

    -still sceptical…-

  25. Tony Says:

    Andy. Seriously?
    I thought you out of ALL THREE of you would have the balls to keep from throwing his face out in the limelight. Hell, I was surprised and shocked when I found you on Twitter.
    But fine, cool. Out with it, man.
    Where’s the baby pics?

  26. Andy Says:

    Seems like most of you caught on, but for those who didn’t:

    8pm EDT on March 31 is 12am GMT on April 1


  27. Luke Wall-E (TANcast's #4 Fan) Says:

    -knew it-

  28. Alissa (TANcast's #1 Female Fan) Says:

    I called it! oh snap!

  29. Tony Says:

    What little respect I have for you has been restored, Monkey Man.
    Good show.

  30. Murray (TANcast's #1 Aussie fan) Says:

    In my own defense I can only offer that considerations of April Fools japes were well and truly over by that time in Aus.

    My only regret is that now we didn’t get to hear Tim singing “Here comes Randall, he’s a berzerker” a la Clerks when Andy came out on the podcast.

    Good stuff Andy.

  31. Brian Says:

    The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making the world believe he did not exist…..

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