Verbal Self-Gratification


Tim, Shut Up! SHUT UP!!!

October 19th, 2013 . by Tim Babb (TANcast's #1 Host/Editor Fan)


I’m not sure if we’ll have time to read another of my old letters on the next episode, so I found another one that I can make fun of in blog form. Now, in my heart of hearts I’d like to believe I didn’t send this. I’d like to believe I typed this up, read over it and said, “Nah…only a crazy person shares these thoughts with another human being.”

…but I fear that I did. I think I printed this out, put it in an envelope, and sent it off to this poor, unsuspecting lady. What did she do to deserve this? Nothing. She was just very nice and extremely cute. Unfortunately for her, the gal from the Star Trek letter a few days back told me that if I’d asked this gal out in high school, she would have gone out with me. First off, Star Trek gal had nothing to base that on. Second of all, even if it were true, that ship had sailed. High school was over. Me and the young lady from today’s letter were in college 800 miles apart. But that didn’t stop young Tim from making a complete and total fool of himself. Enough stalling…time for me to start cringing…

Dear Amy,

I was watching the moon rise up over the foothills last night and I saw your face.

Mother of all things great and small! No. Please tell me I did not start off this letter like that. Please tell me that someone hacked the past and is playing a joke on me. No? Ugh! That is frightening. Maybe the next thing I wrote was, “HA! Just kidding. Wouldn’t that be a dumb thing to say at the top of the letter? Anyway, how are classes going?”

Yeah that’s probably what I wrote. Surely I didn’t go on about this for a whole paragraph…

I was sitting at my computer and I looked out the window and saw a nearly full moon rising over a dark hill sprinkled with the lights of the city. I turned off the lights in my room so I could better enjoy the view, because it was really pretty. I sat for about five minutes staring at the lights of the city, at the stars in the sky, at the few clouds silhouetted by moonlight, and at the face in the moon when all of a sudden, it was like…I could see your face there. It wasn’t like you appeared on the face of the moon like a magic vision or something, but it was like…the moon was…a peep hole and you were on the other side. I couldn’t actually “see” you though, it was more like a feeling. It’s difficult to put into words with out sounding like a crazy person,

Um…too late.

but it was like I was looking at the moon and a separate part of my mind started thinking of you, yet…the two events weren’t disjoined they we’re…connected somehow. While trying to figure this out, I wondered if maybe you were looking at the moon at the same time I was (Approx. 9:04pm on Wednesday October 11th) and our minds connected like that sceen in “An American Tail,” where Fivel and his sister sing a duet while on opposite sides of the country but they’re both looking at the moon at the same time. Then I thought, maybe it was caused by my staying up all night the previous night writing you a letter when I should have been sleeping. Or perhaps, this was just a manifestation of my unconscious desire to see you “moon” me (Ha, Ha). Who knows. It was just a very unusual experience. I don’t know what relevance this has to your life but I just thought I’d share the tale.

Just…no. There is so much wrong with everything up there. It’s hard to know where to begin. It’s important to remember that everything you just read was written by this guy…

He sees your face…in the moon!

I guess it’s good that I was 800 miles away because Amy didn’t need to waste the time and money on a restraining order. That was SO creepy. I’m glad I gave her the specific time that the moon turned into “a peep hole,” so she could say, “Oh, THAT’S why I got that terror chill at that exact moment.”

And the thing about wanting to see her “moon me,” is just…sad. I’m trying to flirt and joke at the same time and failing at both. “Hey I want to see your butt! Ha ha! Just kidding. But seriously, I would enjoy seeing your butt. Where are you going? Is that pepper spray? AAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!”

I really don’t have much else to convey right now.

Yea, Just wanted to creep you out a bit. Now I’m gonna go back to staring at the moon.. Heh heh heh…

Except, I’ll be going home tomorrow to shoot a video with Tami [random high school friend]. She’s auditioning for MTV’s “The Real World,” and she asked me to be in her audition video. She and I are going to reenact the dance section of the “Scream” video by Michael and Janet Jackson (I’ll be assuming the role of Michael, in case you were worried.)

Yeah, Tim she’s worried…but not about this.

Speaking of Michael Jackson, I did my first impression of him in public since your birthday party tonight. It was an audition for a talent show that the residence hall next to mine is holding on October 20th. I was the first person to audition, and I’m pretty sure I made it but, we’ll see.

Who. The. Hell. Cares?

Anyhow, that’s all for now, I hope to here from you soon.

If you hear from her soon, it will only be her screams of fright that are loud enough to audible 3 states away.

Love always,
Tim #29

I signed my letters like this. #29 was not my number on any sports team…as I never was on any sports team. #29 was the number on my choir binder. There were 29 members in the choir and I was #29. Wow, I can feel the remnants of 18 year old Tim inside me getting all huffy that I’m mocking the choir. Calm down, little boy. I understand that the choir meant a lot to you. But…did you need to sign your letters with that number? The choir was over…and even when it was in full force, no one identified you but that number anyway.

Interesting side note. I’ve tried to “friend” Amy on Facebook a few times. No love. In fact earlier this year I had posted a picture that had her in it from back in the day and her sister tagged her in it…she untagged herself almost immediately. (And then her sister defriended me) I was at a loss as to why she was so intent on not establishing contact. Then I found these letters. Oh did I mention this was only one of 10 letters I wrote this poor woman? Yeah…some are so bad that I can’t even put them up on this blog, my ego will not take the beating.

So sadly she will never read this. The Star Trek gal will never read these blogs, and the 13 year old will never read the blog about her. Yet I am tempted to try and reach out to all of these ladies…including the gal I dropped on her head from last week’s podcast. I’d love to know what their perspective was at the time and how they feel about it now? Sadly, 18 year old Tim managed to burn bridges with all four of those ladies. Not surprising, but a little depressing.

HA! I just noticed it’s a full moon tonight. I’m gonna go stare at it. If I see Amy’s face, I’ll just keep it to myself…or maybe call a therapist.

3 Responses to “Tim, Shut Up! SHUT UP!!!”

  1. Todd (fan of the TAN) Says:

    It’s like watching a car crash… You can’t turn away. No matter how bad it is! Great read, Tim!

    I have terrible stories from when I was 16-18 too. Maybe even later too. I’m lucky I have lost the letters and forgotten most of the embarrassing things I did. My brain was not quite formed yet.

  2. Jenn Says:

    I’ve been supportive of Young Tim up to this point, but when I got to the “American Tail” reference, I started laughing hysterically. Maybe there is some comedy gold in those letters. Why do you have all this stuff saved, though?

    Seriously, though, Tim, stop thinking about contacting these women. It’s not you they want nothing to do with, it’s the past. Most of us are very different people from who we were in high school and college, and most of us don’t want to remember what dorks we were. I only have two friends from my youth and one friend from college I keep in touch with. I don’t give a damn about what my old classmates are up to. Those were not my glory days — I’m living those now. Why, twenty or so years later, would I want to awkwardly reminisce with some guy who had a crush on me back when I was too immature to know how to handle it? Some people were happy in high school, and keep up with friendships; others were happy, but changed in adulthood; and still others (like me) were miserable and couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there and on with their lives.

  3. Dean Says:

    These are only funny to me because I can so strongly identify with Young Tim Babb. My college buddy and I agreed we did our best schoolwork due to anxious energy borne of unrequited love.

    But Young Tim Babb makes Young Dean Inouye feel not so bad or alone or crazy.

Leave a Reply

You can use these HTML tags in your comments:

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>