Verbal Self-Gratification


TANcast 032 – Natalie Portman is Awesome

January 5th, 2009 . by Tim Babb (TANcast's #1 Host/Editor Fan)

New Year, same ol’ TANcast…

In this episode Tim spoils the Dark Knight, Tim tattles on Noah, the guys pick the 5 celebrities they get to have sex with (no questions asked), Andy disses Golden Compass, Noah disses Uwe Boll and “busy” people, we learn about the TANboys’ superpowers, and a few celebrities come in to sign off the show.

Please vote for us at Podcast Alley:


This week’s TANlaughs were sent in by NO ONE! Get on it, people!
Send your jokes for TANlaughs to: Andy (at) TANcast.com

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts. Listener discretion is advised.

Samwell sings What What in My Butt

Dave Chappelle’s For What It’s Worth Comedy Special

Tim’s Dream Celebrity

Andy’s Dream Celebrity

Noah’s Dream Celebrity

Eddie Murphy sings Boogie in Your Butt


37 Responses to “TANcast 032 – Natalie Portman is Awesome”

  1. Princess Edamame - #12No Gravatar Says:


    Oh, shit – sorry guys, thought I was at Perez Hilton for a second there…

  2. ChelseaNo Gravatar Says:

    Here’s the updated picture of Nikki Cox just for you Andy

  3. ChelseaNo Gravatar Says:

    damn I guess you can’t post images on here:


  4. AndyNo Gravatar Says:

    Mmmmm. Nikki’s boobs…

    There was one episode of Unhappily Ever After where her mom was (IIRC) telling her to project by sucking in her middle and puffing out her chest. It was the best magic trick I ever saw: Making mountains out of slightly-smaller mountains.

    If the reduction rumors are true (and that pic looks like they might be) then I hope she’s an organ donor. Some starving orphan could get her leftovers and instantly shoot to stardom, or at least porndom. That shit can really change a life!

    I’ll just remember them like they were a decade ago. Jay Mohr can be happy (and believe me, that tubby bastard better be) with the leftovers.

    Now, lets try something…


    That’s pic is brought to you by:

    <div align="center"><a href="http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/archives/nikki_cox_yummy_boobs.jpg"><img src="http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/archives/nikki_cox_yummy_boobs.jpg" height="183" width="208"></a></div>

    PS: To everyone reading, don’t go using this to post any bigass pics in your comments. If you slow down page loads too much or blow up the page layout I’ll just turn your IMG tag into a link.

    PPS: If you embed an image in a comment, please be a good citizen and tell the web browser how many pixels high and wide you want to display the image. Modern browsers will look at the declared size and will leave room in their layout. If there is no explicit size, they’ll have to load enough of the image file to get the size, then redo the layout. This is also a good way to avoid stretching the page layout (going over about 400-500px wide) without manually resizing and posting them somewhere.

    PPS: Yes, I coded the tag to make the image display as half the original size.

  5. Bryce (Tancasts #3 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    I got mentioned. Awesome.

  6. Mike (TANcast's #1 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Dammit Andy, I sent you three weeks worth of TANlaughs for just such an emergency! Geez, let me think of some [Read: look some up] and I’ll send them in. I have nothing else to say this week. Granted, there’s 21 minutes left, but oh well. I have nothing else to say.

  7. Jess (Tancast's #2 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Noah: what gauge are your ear piercings? Also do you have any tattoos?

  8. Jess (Tancast's #2 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    By the way, the album art for this week’s episode is fucking scary!!!!! My wife saw it and got kinda freaked out, I think.

  9. Princess Edamame - #12No Gravatar Says:

    Ok, so can we now start calling the guy listeners “TANcasties”, and the lady listeners “TANnasties”? Please?

  10. Tim (TANcasts #1 Host/Editor Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    I like “TANnasties”…probably way more than I should

  11. Bryce (Tancasts #3 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    TANcasties doesn’t ring well with me.

  12. Tim (TANcasts #1 Host/Editor Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    You didn’t like my game night…

    You don’t like TANcasties…

    Is there no pleasing you, sir?! 😉

  13. Bryce (Tancasts #3 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    TANcasties sound like something you find on the bottom of a table at pizza hut. I love everything else.

  14. Princess Edamame - #12No Gravatar Says:

    TANnasties it is, or we are, or whatever – ok with you, Jess?

  15. Princess Edamame - #12No Gravatar Says:

    Oh fuck, not Jess – stupid assumption there. Who’s the girl here I’m supposed to catfight for the #1 female fan spot? Too lazy to look it up…much too lazy…

  16. Kris (TANcasts #1 Gay Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Hey! I have nothing to say but I wanted to be apart of this TANcast comments! Whatsup everybody! Oh yeah Happy New Year!

  17. LissaNo Gravatar Says:

    Haha that’s me I suppose. And I’m down with TANnasties…haha.

  18. Lissa (Tancasts #1 Female Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Oh shit. I forgot my number.

  19. DeanNo Gravatar Says:

    Every now and then in this episode, there’s the sound of something like a plastic water bottle being squeezed and released… a notification sound effect, perhaps?… then at about 56 mins, someone starts playing with Velcro?

    Given the choice between Fantasy Football team ownership and Celebrity Sex List coming true, I’ll take the latter… Anne Hathaway definitely is a great choice. Tim, I suspect Shakira is on your list for the same reason Parminder Nagra is on mine… so we can know what it feels like to be taller than the woman.

    Surprised no one picked Tina Fey to get their nerd swerve on and Jessica Alba or Salma Hayek would be my Latina choice over Ms. Potato Head Downward Smile Mendez.

    Cate Blanchett suffers from the “attractive, but hard to put into words why” syndrome. Also, I keep getting her confused in publicity photos with Tilda Swinton.

  20. Jess (Tancast's #2 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    I heard the velcro too!!

    Also I think my earphones are dead from Tim laughing so loud (no joke). Deaf by TANcast.

    And by the way, Princess Edamame, I’m a dude.

  21. LoganNo Gravatar Says:

    Hey just wanted to say me and my brother both love Tancast, just don’t get on the comments section ever.

    Keep it up guys.
    Ithaca, ny

  22. xapnomapcaseNo Gravatar Says:

    I certainly don’t want to get in a catfight. You are more than welcome to the spot. It’s not that I’m not a fan or anything, but girls fight dirty, and I want no part of that.

    Even after knowing what’s behind the album art, it’s still kind of disturbing. No, I lied. It’s a LOT disturbing.

  23. Jess (Tancast's #2 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    What?? No CAT FIGHT??? This shit sucks, I’m gonna go play some video games, call me when the ladies start going at it.

  24. Tim (TANcasts #1 Host/Editor Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Dean, awesome! Thanks for posting your list too…I forgot to ask y’all to do that.

    Ladies can do it too…My wife’s list is Ryan Reynolds (aka Hottie McHotterson), Justin Long, Mark Ruffalo, Sean William Scott, and Topher Grace

    I must apologize for the Velcro..I was packing for my trip back to LA during the show.

    And Logan, welcome!

  25. Mike (TANcast's #1 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Okay, first of all…. I turn 18 on Sunday! I know it’s not relevant, but I’m stoked (Heh…. when’s the last time someone said “stoked”).
    Second, five celebs…. Eh hell, I’m not gonna bother thinking of five, because only two come to mind, and I’m too lazy to take the time to come up with three more. Mickie James and Ashley Massaro. Both are WWE Divas (what can I say, I’m obsessed with the WWE). Actually, Ashley WAS a WWE diva… she got canned I believe. She was also on Survivor. Yeah, so not gonna take the time to come up with three more. I’m a lazy fkin bastard, and I’m tired. Actually, I take that back…. Anne Hathaway (just remembered seeing her last night on… Jay Leno? Eh, one of those shows), and yeah. That’s good enough. I’m not coming up with any more.

  26. NoahNo Gravatar Says:

    Jess: My ears are at an inch and for tattoos I have a angel and devil on my shoulders.


  27. Jess (Tancast's #2 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Noah: Cool, I’m on my way to an inch, need one more stretching.

  28. Jess (Tancast's #2 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Am I the only one that thinks Anne Hathaways mouth is HUGE?

    I don’t like that cause it would make my penis look small(er).

  29. ChelseaNo Gravatar Says:

    Ok Tim,

    Here’s my list:

    Hugh Jackman, Viggo Mortensen, George Eads (CSI: Las Vegas), Jon Bon Jovi, Johnny Depp

  30. Tim (TANcasts #1 Host/Editor Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Andy is a rotten liar! He said in Episode 29 that Elisabeth Banks was on his list. You all heard this episode…where was Ms. Banks? I’m calling you out Andy!!! You are a liar face!!!

  31. Mike (TANcast's #1 fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Well, two things. First, TANcast is no less offensive now that I’m eighteen. Second…. I don’t know what was second.

  32. Bryce (Tancasts #3 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Happy birthday, Mike. When are we gonna get another hour and a half show? Come on Mike and Jess, beg with me.

  33. Mike (TANcast's #1 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Thanks Bryce, and your right… we do deserve another 90 minute show. How about it guys? We’ll call it your birthday present to me :p

  34. Jess (Tancast's #2 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Fuck the hour and a half show. I demand the 2 hour TANcast!!!!!!

    And Happy Birthday Mike. Welcome to adulthood

  35. Mike (TANcast's #1 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Thanks Jess. 2 hours would be nice, but I think that’s pushing it, since at least one of these guys has responsibilities to attend to. Something about Andy having a kid to take care of, lol

  36. AndyNo Gravatar Says:

    Happy B-Day, Mike!

    Tim, Mrs. Banks/Mitchell/Handelman (stage/birth/husband’s name… Thank you, Wikipedia) fell off the list when my wife subjected me to Christmas with the Kranks (AWFUL movie…) and I was reminded of Julie Gonzalo’s DSL.

    Elizabeth Banks is a funny hottie and, ironically, replaced Shannon Elizabeth (Fadal) in the same position on the list when I was forced to admit she was kinda whiny after seeing her on Dancing with the People You Might Have Heard Of. Still, I have other funny on my list and, when you get down to it, BJs are BJs.

    On a related note, yes, Jess, I’d noticed the size of Anne Hathaway’s mouth, but if I was concerned about my wiener looking small I’d only ever have dated people with growth hormone deficiency.

    Severe growth hormone deficiency.

  37. Jess (Tancast's #2 Fan)No Gravatar Says:

    Ok, I guess I can settle for another 90 minute TANcast, but I will never give up hope for the 2 hour.

    Keep Hope Alive!!

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