TANcast

Welcome back! It’s time for America’s FAVORITE game…

That’s right, “Who’s the Douche?” The game where we show you an actual exchange on the internet and you decide who the bigger douche bag is.

Todays game is brought to you by the TANstore! It’s a Two Product Tuesday. Featuring sexy throw pillows for you to cuddle.

Lady Friend Throw Pillow by TANcast Fella Friend Throw Pillow by TANcast

These pillows come in two styes: Sweet Cleavage or Tight Abs. They are available in the 16×16 inch size or the 20×20 inch size and you can also choose from cotton or polyester.

And now…on with the game. Today’s “Who’s The Douche takes us to the magical land of Twitter.

Apparently God is booking a pretty sweet comedy night. #RIPJoanRivers

— TimBabbComedian (@TimBabbComedian) September 5, 2014

Yup. The first post is Tim posting about Joan Rivers’ death. No one would stoop so low as to start up douchery in response to this would they?

@TimBabbComedian 911get out of bed and go watch thisNOW http://t.co/tngNKI8KGu … … Retweet the hell out of this #CDCwhistleblower

— Rock~N~Hot (@RockNHot1) September 5, 2014

Of course they would. This is the internet This guy is not only replying to a Joan Rivers tribute tweet with spam, he’s trying to promote the idea that vaccines cause autism. A double douche dip. Well, clearly this guy wins because Tim’s not going to be dumb enough to respond… Read the rest of this entry »

If you’ve listened all the way to the end of this week’s show, you heard me talk about finding bulk pre-cooked bacon at Costco the other day. It was one of the greatest days of my life. It goes wedding day, kid being born, visiting Club 33, bulk bacon day…maybe not in that order.

Look at all that glorious meat candy!

I put bacon on everything now. Breakfast? That needs bacon. Making a sandwich? That could use some bacon. Having some bacon? Put some bacon on that bacon, baby!

Every so often my son will ask, “Can I have some bacon, daddy?”

“Of course you can, son!”

With this much pre-cooked bacon, I’m like the Oprah of Bacon! “You get some bacon! You get some bacon! EVERYBODY GETS SOME BACON! I’M BACON IT RAIN!!!”

I was explaining all this to Noah when we were hanging out with Noah the other day and he immediately stopped laughing and rolled his eyes when I said, “bacon it rain.” So, of course, I made a t-shirt.

Bacon it Rain Tees by TANcast

You’re welcome, universe.

This week Andy goes hiking with his family, Tim and Noah wander the streets of San Francisco, and the boys review Blackfish, The Worlds End, and some other fairly old movies.

00:00 – 01:22 Preshow
01:22 – 04:14 Intro
04:14 – 16:40 TANlaughs (Listner Jokes)
16:40 – 37:56 How the F*** Was Everyone’s Week
37:56 – 45:54 TANflicks (Movie Reviews)
45:54 – 52:26 Steaming Pile of Streamin’
52:26 – 54:17 Listener Email
54:17 – 55:45 Wrap Up
55:45 – 57:58 ?????

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.
Read the rest of this entry »

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I can now add “closing doors” to the things I’ve failed at.

Right after we recorded TANcast yesterday, my family and I were heading out for a trip Gilroy Gardens theme park for a day of fun. The problem is, we were running late. So when I ran from the garage and shut the door behind me, I SLAMMED it on the tip if my finger.

I really think this should look a lot worse since it hurts so damn much

I’ve never considered myself a “tough guy,” and yesterday was proof that I am not. After the pain shot through my whole body, I actually started to get nauseous. Then sweat started pouring down my face…and that’s when the world started to fade away and I almost blacked out. I literally had to lay down on my porch while my family sat in the car wondering what the hell was taking me so long.

So basically, if you ever need to take me down, you only have to take down one finger. Or to put it another way, I’ve got more weakling in my little finger than most people have in their whole bodies!

Coincidentally, today’s product is all about being “less of a man”

Beast Mode…Error 404 T-shirt by TANcast

In case you can’t read it, it says, “Beast Mode…Error 404 ‘Beast Mode’ not found. Resuming ‘Rest Mode'”

Speaking of rest mode…typing with 9 regular fingers and one throbbing one is really starting to suck. I am going to rest.

Noah and I were hanging out at the Gap on Memorial Day, and we came across this shirt:

And it gave me the idea for my first ever retaliatory shirt:

This Idiot Can't Spell Nerd by TANcast

I’m sure no one will ever buy this shirt…but if even ONE person does and they snap a photo of themselves next to someone in the Gap shirt…my purpose in life will be fulfilled.

It’s Friday, which means you’ve probably had an ass-full of dealing with morons all week. Why not offer them a nice warm cup of “Shut the hell up?”

Shut The Hell Up Mug by TANcast

Yup! Finally you can do what you’ve always talked about. These are perfect for White Elephant gifts. They are available in all sorts of different styles including travel mugs and beer steins. Plus you can click “Customize it” and change the text to say “Shut the fuck up” if you’re feeling really surly.

Since today’s product is actually a quote from high school Tim (more on that later), I thought I’d embrace Throwback Thursday and find something funny from my high school days to share. So I cracked open my senior yearbook to see what people had written to me. This message from my friend “Jenny” says it all…

Tim,
You are a really big freak with problems.

Starting off good already…

You have made this year interesting with all your jokes and groping my body.

Yeah I was always quite the jokster…wait…what did that say? Groping her body? That’s gotta be a joke right? No one would be cool with me groping them back then. Let me remind you that this is the guy this young lady is talking about:

He’s groping her…then he’s gonna grope ME!
OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDD!!!

You are just a big horn dog.

Sweet mother of all that is holy! I think I have to reexamine my entire high school identity. I was a total creeper. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This went from funny stroll down memory lane to dark film noir way too quickly for my taste.

You had a great performance at Pops Concert and you are very funny. Every time I watch a Jim Carrey movie, I think of you.

It pains me to point out that at this point his most recent movie was “Dumb and Dumber.”

You two are so much alike.

…apart from the groping

It was really nice getting to know you this year.

Really? That seems unlikely. Given the first two sentences you wrote.

We should really try to keep in touch

Please…don’t say “touch!”

because your jokes would make my life much more exciting.

And then she gives me her phone number. What? This wasn’t like Mad Men days or anything. Being a handsy creepo was not generally acceptable. Fortuantly, I never bothered this poor girl again. She’s safe.

And now, behold the gigantic discrepancy between what I was like and how I thought about myself in high school. Today’s shirt is an actual quote I said out loud in front of many people…on purpose, “It’s so awesome to be me…everyone should have a turn.”

It’s So Awsome To Be Me by TANcast

I’m pretty sure I was being sarcastic when I said it…but now I’m not sure of anything anymore.

…Except that this shirt comes in over 100 different styles and colors (men, women, hoodies, tank tops, etc.) and at least one of them would look AMAZING on you.

So unless you live under a rock with no wifi, you’ve heard about the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. At the time I’m writing this blog, it’s raised over 100 million dollars in donations for the ALS Association. It’s also brought a TON of haters out of the woodwork.

Look, I get it…haters gonna hate. But all the haters I see are hating for stupid reasons. So here are the High 5 Lame Reasons to Hate on the Ice Bucket Challenge.

5) The Money is Not Going To Research
This is the one that pisses me off the most. An article went viral not long ago claiming that “ALS foundation admits that 73% of donations are not used for research.” They show a pie chart with the breakdown, in percentages, of where donations to the ALSA were spent. The slice of the pie for “research” is only 27%.

Too bad that article is deceptive horse s***. The ALSA didn’t “admit” anything (in fact, they debunked the whole article). Those are the freely published expenses for last year…you know last year? When this Ice Bucket thing hadn’t happened yet and they only had a little over 20 million in donations for the year. In the last month, they’re gotten over 100 million in donations. Do you really think all those pie slices are going to scale up equally? Plus, there’s a little check box on the donation form that says, “I want 100% if my donation to go towards research.”

Basically, articles about fertilizer are less full of crap than this. Read the rest of this entry »

So apparently, someone hacked Jennifer Lawrence’s phone. They found a bunch of nude photos on there. A bunch of them leaked on Sunday, but I was able to find a topless photo that I haven’t seen posted anywhere else… Read the rest of this entry »

As promised in TANcast 297, I’m blogging everyday again in the month of September. This time, there’s a twist! Every blog will also feature a new product at the TANcast Zazzle store. Today’s blog even features a video…

The rest of the blogs won’t be this kind of in your face style hard sell of the product. Could be a completely unrealated blog topic with a TANstore “sponsored product.” But each day, you’ll get something to read and something to buy. It’s the perfect mix of crap you don’t care about and crap you don’t want or need.

You’re welcome!!!