TANcast

Talkin’ Turkey With Tim Babb
Day 12

So the other night, my wife says, “Shoot I forgot to get gas today.”

I, recognizing this is a problem that actually falls within my limited skill set, offered to take her car to get gas while she’s busy working on something. So I grab the keys and head out the door all while mentally calculating how many “good husband points” this will earn me.

It wasn’t until I had gotten in the car started it, and pulled out of the driveway that I noticed that I had gotten in my car and not my wife’s.

…well at least I didn’t make it all the way to the gas station.

Talkin’ Turkey With Tim Babb
Day 11

I’ve mentioned how I’ve totally embraced the Christmas season early this year. Well, that is not sitting too well with my wife. At first she was just making jokes but now I think she’s actually getting annoyed by my constant Christmas music. So I’m going to throttle back while at home.

I’d hate to ruin my wife’s Christmas by getting her sick of it before it’s even December.

But between you and me, I’m totally listening to Christmas music in the car every day. Shhhhhhhh

Talkin’ Turkey with Tim Babb
Day 9

The latest TANcast was a perfect storm of screwing up. First off, Noah had a huge lag during recording that only Andy seemed to notice. But that’s no big deal. It requires a little more creativity in editing but it’s a relatively easy fix.

But then, Andy’s computer stopped recording Andy’s audio. Not altogether, it would just randomly cut out for a few seconds over and over. All told, we lost 13 minutes of his audio spread out over a half hour. Which is why the show cuts off so suddenly.

But wait, there’s more fail. After recording, but before editing, my computer froze. I tried rebooting it and it wouldn’t restart. I tried the auto-repair feature, and that did jack-all. So I just tried rebooting it again and that finally worked. Whew…that little adventure only took a little over an hour.

Never has so much work been done to overcome so much fail and then produced so much mediocrity.

Ah crap, Noah just messaged us and said the file won’t play. The failure continues…

Please sTANd by.

This week, the boys share Halloween Stories, Tim gets ready for Christmas early, and Andy’s audio goes all wonky.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

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Talkin’ Turkey With Tim Babb
Day 9

As most of you know, I’m a dad. My adorable 2 year old likes to watch videos on YouTube. I know, fellow parents, “screen time” at his age is frowned upon…you and the AAP can suck it. He’s developing quite well even though he watches a few Mickey Mouse cartoons.

But my son doesn’t always need a video with a plot. For instance, my son loves garbage trucks. Yesterday was garbage day and we sat outside and watched the garbage truck collect our trash. We even followed him down the block for a while. Later that day, my son earned some “Computer Time,” which is where he and I sit down and watch a few YouTube videos together that he gets to pick. My son picked this one…

Didn’t watch it? Well it’s 9 and a half minutes of stuff being thrown in the back of garbage trucks. Here’s a screen shot.

If you look closely, you can see my soul getting crushed in there.

It was uploaded on November 19, 2009 and it has over two and a half MILLION views! For contrast here’s another video…

That’s one of my more popular Kingdom Comedy videos. It was uploaded a couple months earlier than the garbage truck one; September 24, 2009. It has 6,055 views.

Seriously, internet? My video may not be a masterpiece, but it has a story, lots of jokes, some fun music, and even appearances form beloved children’s characters Kermit the Frog and (spoiler) Mickey Mouse. The other video just has dudes throwing crap into a truck! I don’t think all the views on all my videos COMBINED make 2.5 million.

Which is why I’m proud to announce my new YouTube series, “Tim Babb’s Parking Lot.” This is where I put a camera on a tripod and record people driving into an airport parking lot. Who’ll drive in next? A mini van? A Prius? You’ll have to tune in to find out.

Tim Babb’s Parking Lot…because F*** it!

Talkin’ Turkey With Tim Babb
Day 8

Okay going to continue on from yesterday, examining the letter I wrote myself in 1995 and sent to myself in 2000. (Side note, the CDs I ordered from the blog a few days back arived today. So, as I type this, I’m listening to some sweet Christmas music.)

Right now I’m sitting across the room from Jackie [last name redacted]. She has the finest legs in the world.

I was gonna give 1995 Tim crap for that goofy line…but, in fairness, she had very lovely legs. So that’s legit.

How were the girls in San Jose?

There were some lovely, intelligent, witty ladies in San Jose….who wanted nothing to do with you.

Remember Blythe [last name redacted]?

Apparently what 1995 Tim thought would be most important to his older self was remembering attractive women he went to school with.

…again, in fairness, Blythe was uber-hot. The best thing is that Blythe never rejected me in high school…’cause I never had the balls to ask her out. So…that counts as a win, right? Read the rest of this entry »

Talkin’ Turkey With Tim Babb
Day 7
My senior year of high school, I had a teacher who gave us a wacky assignment at the end of the year. We had to write a letter to ourselves…in the future. She was going to hold on to these letters an mail them to us five years later. So what follows is a letter I wrote in 1995 to myself in the year 2000. (I’m breaking it
into parts so it’s not such a long read as the Star Trek letter from a few weeks back) Get a load of these IMPORTANT questions I felt the need to ask my future self…

Tim, Welcome to the 21st century!

Technically that started in 2001, but whatever.

So how is your stand-up comedy career?

In 2000, it was nonexistent. I think I had tried it once at a poetry open mic. Yeesh, that was bad. So 1995 Tim would be pretty disappointed in 2000 Tim. Not sure he’d be overjoyed with 2013 Tim’s career either. :/

How often do you think of Melinda?

1995 Tim has no idea that he’s going to fail so hard at trying to be smooth and drop this poor woman on her head. I wouldn’t say I think of her often, but when I do, it’s primarily that incident that I think of…and I cringe.

Read the rest of this entry »

Talkin’ Turkey With Tim Babb
Day 6

If you listened to the latest mini-episode of TANcast, you heard me and the boys read a play that was loosely based on me an Andy (and Noah…some of his traits were mixed into the Bert character). You also would have heard that the character based on me has an “obsession” with Harrison Ford. That was very much true of me at the time. If you think I’m obsessed with John Williams these days, this is nothing compared to my Ford Fixation. …but I’m starting to wonder if that is still the case. I haven’t seen a Harrison Ford movie n the theater since the Indiana Jones movie that shall not be named.

To be clear, I’m not against Harrison Ford now. I’m just questioning my loyalty. From the 90’s to the mid 2000’s I watched everything of Harrison’s. I saw Hollywood Homicide in theaters. I OWN Six Days Seven Nights. I OWN it!!!

Yet I’ve missed all 3 chances to see him on the big screen this year; Ender’s Game, Paranoia, and 42. I missed Morning Glory, Extreme Measures, and Crossing over. I did see Cowboys and Aliens…but on a Red Box rental.

I know this isn’t some major crisis, but the line of from the play, “His room is covered floor to ceiling in Harrison Ford crap” was 100% true. Now the closest thing I have is a poster for the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland hanging in my son’s room. Maybe I need to rethink whenther I can call myself a true Harrison Ford fan.

…nah. He just needs to be in some crap I want to see.

Talkin’ Turkey With Tim Babb
Day 5

So as I mentioned the other day, I am already getting into Christmas mode. One thing I miss every year is having a good selection of Christmas songs on my iPod. Most of my Christmas music is from Disneyland, and while that stuff is great, there are a lot of classic Christmas songs that I love that I would like to have. So my thought was to grab one of those best of Christmas CDs. I had no idea it would be this hard to choose.

I’m down to two compilation CDs, Now Christmas and Now That’s What I Call Christmas. I kid you not, they are practically named the same thing. They have a lot of overlap of songs too. No matter which one I buy, I’ll get Bing Crosby singing White Christmas, Nat King Cole singing The Christmas Song, Jingle Bell Rock by Bobby Helms, and a few other overlaps.

But then it gets tricky…who’s version of The Most Wonderful Time of the Year is best? Johnny Mathis or Andy Williams? One has the version of Let It Snow from Die Hard but the other has Do They Know It’s Christmas? by Band Aid.

On the other hand they both have crap I’ll never listen to. One has Justin Bieber warbling some Christmas monstrosity, the other has N’Sync doing the same thing.

One has Thurl Ravenscroft…the other has Tony Bennett! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

Screw it…I just ordered both.

Talkin’ Turkey With Tim Babb
Day 4

I’m not saying I’m in line for parent of the year, but I’m certainly doing a lot better than these fools…

For those of you who can’t/don’t want to watch the video, there are two toddlers playing with those little Flinstone-style cars that they get in and “drive” with their feet. There are two cars and two kids. Seems like that would work out fine but, the kid in the green shirt decides he wants the kid in the red shirt’s car. He starts to climb in and the woman holding the camera springs into action! …and by that, I mean she says, “Uh oh.”

With his parents doing nothing to help, red shirt decides to open the door to the other car. As if to say, “Hey buddy, there’s another car right over here that you can use. Why you gotta be all up in my business?”

With that, green leaves him alone and goes to the other car. I’m kidding of course, he grabs red shirt by the collar and tries to pull him out of the car. The woman holding the camera is so concerned about this that she laughs while holding the camera steady as can be. After green shirt tugs on red shirt a while, the lady finally says, “No, Finn. Finn.” If you didn’t watch the video, you might be thinking she said that in a stern stop that right now, young man voice. You would be wrong. She said it in more of a would you pass me the salt voice. Amazingly enough, Finn was undeterred from his collar tugging.

“Cry all you want. Mom clearly is not gonna help you.”

Finally he pulls the entire car over on it’s side. It falls on him and red shirt falls out and starts crying. Because, you know, WTF? You would assume this is where we lose the picture as the concerned parent drops the camera to step in. You would again be wrong. Mother of the year laughs again and then says, “No Finn that was your fault.” Again, no parental authority in her voice. Just telling Finn he shouldn’t be complaining because it’s his fault the car ell over. Well, mother dearest, Finn isn’t the one complaining, red shirt is. And the reason he’s complaining is because he just got yanked out of his car while the adults who were supposed to be supervising him just kept filming like they were trying to win $10,000 on America’s Funniest Home Videos (Is that show still on?)

“I’ll settle for Tosh.0”

Then Finn pushes the car back on it’s wheels. To his credit, red shirt gets back on his feet and heads for the now righted car. Wonder Mom helps out with an encouraging, “Go get it, Felix. Get it back.” Oh I get it, this is some sort of toddler thunder dome where they must fight for toys while mom films for her later amusement.

Finn must get it too, because just as Felix is about to get into the car again, Finn grabs him by the back of his shirt and pulls him back out of the car. At this point, mom’s cries of “No Finn, no,” sound at least a little concerned, but Finn has learned that mommy’s too busy filming her magnum opus to put the camera down and discipline him properly, so he pays her no mind. Then we actually hear a male voice pipe up with “Finn, don’t be a bully.”

Worst. Ant-bulling. Commercial. Ever.

Well why wouldn’t he? He wants something, he’s gonna take it, and up until now no one has done anything to stop him. So he keeps right on going, leaving the crying Felix behind as he hops in his ill-gotten car. Finally, the grampa lumbers in to the frame with all the body language that says, “I can’t believe I actually have to get off my butt. This sucks. Kids are so inconvenient.”

The reluctant hero pulls Finn out and puts him in the other car. Felix is still a bit upset and would like some attention, so grampa stuffs him back in the first car. Then mom says, “There we go.”

Yup, there we go. All fixed. Parenting…you’re doin’ it.

“I mean…it’s clear who they love most now, right?”