Tim Babb’s April Foolishness
California has been getting some much needed rain recently. Which is great…except that it keeps driving the ants into my house. Every time I turn around I see one or two crawling around or a big group of them fighting over some crumb. Look, ants, I know I’m supposed to not have food out, but I have a 2 year-old. He’s messy. Leave his mess alone.
Where are they even coming from? Normally when you have ants there’s a trail of them that you can follow back to the point where they’re getting in. These are some ninja ants that just keep showing up out of no where in the middle of rooms, on counter tops, in my nightmares. Go the hell away!!!
Why do they even come in the house? Every time I find an ant I kill it. None of theme have escaped this house. They have all died by my hand. I’m the Jason Voorhees of the ant world. In fact, if this was a horror movie, these would be the dumbest characters ever! There’s a big house. Every time someone goes in, they never come out. But yet they keep saying, “Let’s go check it out.” Sure enough, they get squished, poisoned, and (in rare cases) burned to death. Its like an ant Saw movie up in here and they just keep coming. I will kill as many ants as I have to.
Next on my s*** list, spiders. The only reason I let you freaky looking bastards live is that you’re supposed to eat other bugs. What ‘s the deal with all these ants? Did you suddenly go vegan?! When I’m done with the ants, you’re next!
UPDATE: Since posting this, the ant war has reached a new level. I found one crawling in my ear. IN MY F***ING EAR!!! If I hadn’t had my ear buds in, he might have made it all the way inside. NOT COOL, ANTS! They are really stepping up their game. I’ll slaughter a batch in one location, then find more in another. Then when I go back to the first location, more have come to take the place of their fallen, evil ant brothers! It’s almost 2am! I should be sleeping not fighting this ant war.
DAMN YOU, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS!!!!