This is a meandering tale, so please bear with me. By the end I will have decided on a new direction to take in my life.
I told a story back in TANcast 012 about how a guy I used to work with had apparently been referring to me as “Mmmmmm, Bear!” to a mutual friend. I’ll call him “Dude” and the mutual friend “Buddy” in the rest of this post.
Buddy and I were IMing yesterday and at one point the conversation shifted to how Nebraska’s recent “abandoned children bill” was working out for them:
Buddy: I really don’t understand this: 2nd Out-of-State Teen Dumped in Omaha
Andy: Kids gotta learn.
Buddy: “Last week, a 14-year-old girl from Iowa was left at an Omaha hospital by her grandparents. The girl has since been returned to her family.”
Buddy: How do you recover from that? How can you trust your family after they leave you?
Andy: You wait a few years, then kill them for the insurance.
Andy: Make it look like an accident…
Buddy: You’re so horrible.
Andy: I know.
Andy: The real shocker in that story is the widower who left 9 of his 10 kids.
Andy: What about the 10th? “Oh, that one’s a keeper.”
Buddy: I just can’t imagine how the other 9 feel.
Buddy: On a recent episode of MTV’s “True Life”, it was something like “I’m a dating single parent”.
Buddy: There was this 25 year old white guy. He had a 10 year old, a set of triplets, and a set of twins.
Buddy: He had the twins and triplets with his ex wife. She started partying a lot after the kids were born, decided being a mom was too much, and left.
Andy: Well, at least his dates know he’s easy and he won’t make them make him wear condoms.
Buddy: OMG. I feel like I’m talking to Dude.
Buddy: He says shit like that.
Andy: Dude and I should form a detective agency and be wisecracking know-it-alls.
Andy: You know, break the mold.
Buddy: Oh yeah, that hasn’t been done before.
Andy: There is supposed to be one straight-laced guy and one wise-cracker.
Buddy: Ohhh… Gotcha.
Andy: We’ll have one straight guy and two crackers.
Andy: We could be “BJ and the Bear”.
Buddy: You’re so horrible.
And that was that. I’d performed my random act of semi-offensive weirdness for the day and I was happy. Oh, there was something else later about writing a country song called “The Ballad of the Lonely Penis”, but it doesn’t relate to what I’m talking about here.
Buddy sent me a link today to a “sexual harassment training video” that I’d seen before, but I watched it again because it is funny as hell.
After seeing that clip I was inspired:
Andy: I’d love to know where that came from.
Andy: I mean, that CAN’T be real. Gotta be a spoof.
Andy: Nobody says “fat cock” in a training video.
Andy: Though now I look forward to making an official training video that uses that phrase somehow.
Andy: I think I’ll deserve bonus points if it is subtle enough to be missed, or if it is somehow in context and therefore serious.
Andy: I’ll put it in a training video for my new detective agency.
Buddy: Would you like Dude’s email address so that you two can make some business plans?
Buddy: I was telling Dude about our convo (BJ and The Bear), and he said: “Tell Andy I have something he can open.”
Andy: Is is a pack of cookies? Fat man loves him some cookies.
Buddy: Dude says: “I’ve heard it called that. No crumbs here though.”
Andy: Tell him that they’re called “Private Dicks” because they keep them to themselves…
So it is settled: I’m going to quit my job and become an investigator just so I can use a line from a fake sexual harassment video in my own real training video while being sexually harassed myself by my new partner, who may or man not have a fat cock.