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My New Calling

October 15th, 2008 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)

This is a meandering tale, so please bear with me.  By the end I will have decided on a new direction to take in my life.

I told a story back in TANcast 012 about how a guy I used to work with had apparently been referring to me as “Mmmmmm, Bear!” to a mutual friend.  I’ll call him “Dude” and the mutual friend “Buddy” in the rest of this post.

Buddy and I were IMing yesterday and at one point the conversation shifted to how Nebraska’s recent “abandoned children bill” was working out for them:

Buddy: I really don’t understand this: 2nd Out-of-State Teen Dumped in Omaha

Andy: Kids gotta learn.

Buddy: “Last week, a 14-year-old girl from Iowa was left at an Omaha hospital by her grandparents. The girl has since been returned to her family.”
Buddy: How do you recover from that? How can you trust your family after they leave you?

Andy: You wait a few years, then kill them for the insurance.
Andy: Make it look like an accident…

Buddy: You’re so horrible.

Andy: I know.
Andy: The real shocker in that story is the widower who left 9 of his 10 kids.

Buddy: Yeah.

Andy: What about the 10th? “Oh, that one’s a keeper.”

Buddy: I just can’t imagine how the other 9 feel.
Buddy: On a recent episode of MTV’s “True Life”, it was something like “I’m a dating single parent”.
Buddy: There was this 25 year old white guy. He had a 10 year old, a set of triplets, and a set of twins.
Buddy: He had the twins and triplets with his ex wife. She started partying a lot after the kids were born, decided being a mom was too much, and left.

Andy: Well, at least his dates know he’s easy and he won’t make them make him wear condoms.

Buddy: OMG. I feel like I’m talking to Dude.
Buddy: He says shit like that.

Andy: Dude and I should form a detective agency and be wisecracking know-it-alls.
Andy: You know, break the mold.

Buddy: Oh yeah, that hasn’t been done before.

Andy: There is supposed to be one straight-laced guy and one wise-cracker.

Buddy: Ohhh… Gotcha.

Andy: We’ll have one straight guy and two crackers.

Buddy: LOL

Andy: We could be “BJ and the Bear”.

Buddy: You’re so horrible.

And that was that. I’d performed my random act of semi-offensive weirdness for the day and I was happy. Oh, there was something else later about writing a country song called “The Ballad of the Lonely Penis”, but it doesn’t relate to what I’m talking about here.

Buddy sent me a link today to a “sexual harassment training video” that I’d seen before, but I watched it again because it is funny as hell.

After seeing that clip I was inspired:

Andy: I’d love to know where that came from.
Andy: I mean, that CAN’T be real. Gotta be a spoof.
Andy: Nobody says “fat cock” in a training video.
Andy: Though now I look forward to making an official training video that uses that phrase somehow.
Andy: I think I’ll deserve bonus points if it is subtle enough to be missed, or if it is somehow in context and therefore serious.
Andy: I’ll put it in a training video for my new detective agency.

Buddy: Would you like Dude’s email address so that you two can make some business plans?

Andy: Only if you think he’ll let me be BJ. He can be “the Bear”, ’cause just like that 80’s show you gotta pick names that will confuse the sheriffs who are gonna pull you over.

Buddy: I was telling Dude about our convo (BJ and The Bear), and he said: “Tell Andy I have something he can open.”

Andy: Is is a pack of cookies? Fat man loves him some cookies.

Buddy: Dude says: “I’ve heard it called that. No crumbs here though.”

Andy: Hmmmm.
Andy: Tell him that they’re called “Private Dicks” because they keep them to themselves…

So it is settled: I’m going to quit my job and become an investigator just so I can use a line from a fake sexual harassment video in my own real training video while being sexually harassed myself by my new partner, who may or man not have a fat cock.

3 Responses to “My New Calling”

  1. Mike (TANcasts #1 Fan) Says:

    Good luck with that Andy XD
    That would be one hell of a funny tv show though.

  2. Bryce Says:

    Can’t everyone with a fat cock just put some oil on ’em and get along?

  3. Andy Says:

    I’m doing it. I am hiding the phrase “Word around the office is you have a fat cock” inside a video for work. It will be subtle, but it will be there.

    I am not joking.

    It will be awesome…

    … as long as nobody narcs on me to the boss.

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