He hasn’t collected much in the way of armor and we haven’t seen him cast any obvious spells (except perhaps “Turn Smoke-Monster”), but he does have that
Jesus Stick of +5 Beating!
This is a “blast from the past” post from time-traveling Andy. I’ve pre-dated it to a time when I was asleep in a ca. 1973 beater RV in my uncle’s driveway in Chula Vista, CA in order to post about a play I saw a few weeks prior to that with the fiancee’s parents. I didn’t travel all the way to the night we saw the play because I like how the RV smells.
So, we were at this play put on by a local (and excellent) theater (theatre?) troupe (troop?) when I began to fear for my life. It was a stage presentation of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast (Disney seems to insist on it’s name being part of the play’s name) but, I swear to Buddha, I thought it must have been Outbreak: The Musical.
It has been a long, long time since I have heard so many rude sons of bitches coughing loudly during slow or quiet parts of a play. I know winter is cold season, but in a house that seats maybe 350 or 400 patrons of the arts I wouldn’t expect dozens of them to have whooping cough at the same time.
Then it hit me:
The dead don’t cough.
Last night I took my fiancee to see Keith Urban at the Shark Tank for her Chrismahanukwanzakah present. He’s on her list, so we had a deal: if she left with him I was allowed to leave with Nicole…
We had third row seats, because I am that awesome. We didn’t have first row, because even my awesomeness is limited.
We were so close I could smell the sweat of Keith Urban’s balls, and it was the most wholesome, refreshing thing I have ever smelled. It was like the scent of a baby’s head mixed with the sweetness of honey.
Aw, shit. Now I’m hungry…
So I was hearing yesterday about how Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner just popped out a new larval Affleck. There was, however, no indication of what appellation the slavering masses would be screeching in their adoration of this newly minted fountain of famous.
That all got me thinking of the weird fucking names that celebrities saddle their children with. I love Kevin Smith‘s work, but “Harley Quinn” is pretty borderline. It might sound reasonable, but she is named after a comic book sidekick. Penn Jillette may be one hell of a showman and his show Bullshit puts him on my All Time Heroes List, but calling his daughter “Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette”? That is over the line. Travolta named a son “Jett” because <TardVoice>he likes to fly jets and he loves his son that much</TardVoice>.
Celebrities get away with this shit because they are famous and they want their children to also be famous, even if it means being total asshats and picking a name nobody else is using BECAUSE IT IS FREAKING RIDICULOUS.
Once I came to that conclusion, I decided that if I was a movie star, I would name my first daughter “Snot”. Why? Because I could. If she didn’t like it, I’d take my 13 chromosomes and famous last name back.
That would show the little bitch.
(Sung to the tune of “Creep” by Radiohead)
It was seven years this fall
That I lived with this guy.
It was no fucking picnic.
The smell’d make you cry.
People thought we were lovers,
But I swear I’m not gay.
Just because women hate him,
Please…
Don’t think I swing that way!
So Tim’s a freak.
He’s a weirdo.
He had a wall covered with Harrison Ford.
He makes fun of my mother.
When his shit doesn’t work,
He loses his soul.
He bashed up his walkman,
And four remote controls.
He want’s to be noticed,
So he’ll dress like Britney Spears.
He’s always been like this,
And I know,
‘Cause I’ve known him for FOURTEEN YEARS!
But Tim don’t drink.
He’s no wino.
He looks just like Michael Jackson
Had an affair with Jim Carey.
Oh… Oh…
He’s the only karaoke addict on Earth.
If you lived with him, you’d cry, cry, and want to die.
I hate this guy!
He says “Call me Slappy”…
Whatever that means.
People think that he’s special,
Like “Short School Bus” special.
So Tim’s a freak.
He’s real weird now.
Why the hell did I live with him?
I need a new place…
Is there room at your place?
… DELICIOUS on a salad.
I think I can sum myself up pretty concisely:
I liven up all the boring bits and talk over the interesting ones.
That is all. Please resume your regularly scheduled masturbation.
For the 4th time in about 18 months, a specific Carl’s Jr. franchise has messed up my exceedingly simple order. Each time, I requested a “Western” burger and each time I got a “Standard” burger instead.
Four instances may sound insignificant, but it means that between 5% and 10% the time I don’t get what I ordered. I then have to either make do (if I’m too busy to leave work again) or drive back to the “restaurant” (that word doesn’t seem like it should be associated with fast food, but I am unable to locate a better one) and wait while my order is corrected. I do not, for the record, like having my hamburgers covered in salad and mayonnaise. I do, in fact, hate it.
I don’t think I’ll be going back to that restaurant again. I’m tired of the hassle for what should be “convenience food”.
Here is yet another reason why I am a suspicious person:
(Snatched without permission from The Daily Advertiser in Louisiana)
BellSouth says it took part in survey
Claire TaylorBellSouth is a co- sponsor with Cox Communications of a controversial telephone survey centered on a proposed Lafayette fiber project.
Lafayette BellSouth spokesman John Williams on Tuesday said as far as he knew, the company was not involved in the poll. On Thursday, Williams retracted, saying he has learned since that BellSouth is a co-sponsor with Cox.
“I was just unaware of it,” said Williams, who said he has not seen the poll questions.
Lafayette Utilities System is hoping to expand its telecommunications business, competing against Cox and BellSouth for cable TV, telephone and Internet customers. Both companies offer the services LUS plans to provide. LUS says it can offer more Internet bandwidth and the services at a lower price.
Voters in the city of Lafayette will go to the polls July 16 to decide whether to issue $125 million in bonds to pay for the fiber project.
Pollsters with Market Research Insight of Pensacola, Fla., launched the telephone survey Monday.
Tim Tippit, vice president of public affairs and government relations for Cox Communications, said the company was one of the poll sponsors. He said the company was simply “gathering more information on the citizens of Lafayette” and learning more about its customers.
Residents who received the calls reported the questions were slanted in favor of BellSouth and Cox and against LUS. The pollsters reportedly said things such as the separation of church and state may mean LUS cannot offer religious TV channels, or because LUS rations lawn watering during the summer, it might also offer Internet or TV only on certain days.
Originally published May 6, 2005
Here is my poll:
“Would you do business with BellSouth or Cox Communications if you knew they were paying people to deceptively influence a vote on an issue that would force them to compete more aggressively for a mid-sized city’s high-bandwidth service market?”
“If so, would you still do business with them if you knew their CEOs were, respectively, a convicted child molester and a devout Devil worshiper?”
“If so, would you still do business with them if you knew that BellSouth has a corporate policy dictating that they must dig up the corpse of your dead mother and gang-rape her, using any opening they find? What if you knew that Cox Communications has hired hitmen to murder every puppy in your home state?”
In health news today (and shamelessly ripped off from the AP):
Brain Areas Shut Off During Female Orgasm
COPENHAGEN, Denmark — New research indicates that parts of the brain that govern fear and anxiety are switched off when a woman is having an orgasm.In the first study to map brain function during orgasm, scientists from the Netherlands also found that as a woman climaxes, an area of the brain that governs emotional control is also heavily deactivated.
“The fact that there is no deactivation in faked orgasms means a basic part of a real orgasm is letting go. Women can imitate orgasm quite well, as we know, but there is nothing really happening in the brain,” said neuroscientist Gert Holstege, presenting his findings Monday at the annual meeting of the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology.
In the study, Holstege and his colleagues at Groningen University recruited 11 men and 13 women, together with their respective partners.
The volunteers laid on a scanning machine bed and were injected with a dye that shows changes in brain function on a scan. For the men, the brain scanner tracked activity during rest, during erection, during manual stimulation by their partner and then during ejaculation, brought on by the partner’s hand.
For the women, the scanner measured brain activity during rest, while they faked an orgasm, during manual stimulation by their partner, and while they experienced genuine orgasm.
Holstege said he had trouble getting reliable results from the study on men because the scanning machine needs activities lasting at least two minutes to record an activity. But the men’s climaxes didn’t last anywhere near that lone, meaning he could not reliably compare the scans before climax and during.
However, for women, the results were clear, he said.
When women faked orgasm, the cortex, the part of the brain governing conscious action, lit up. It was not activated during genuine orgasm.
The most striking results, however, were seen in the parts of the brain that shut down, or deactivated.
“During orgasm, there was strong, enormous deactivation in the brain. During fake orgasm, there was no deactivation of the brain at all. None,” Holstege said. “It looks like to have an orgasm, you need to not be fearful or full of anxiety.”
Men, now you can know for sure how you are doing! Just get a brain scanner, plug her in, and then, um, plug in.
Not that any of you cared…
I wonder how well this study paid its participants. Amateur porn can be quite lucrative (I hear), but then there is the messy situation of your perv co-worker seeing the film. Maybe medical studies are the way to get paid to finger-bang without lasting complications.