There is more to come, but this is the home of the TANcast!
We don’t know when, and we don’t know how, but soon this crummy little page will be replaced by a WordPress blog and a podcast this WordPress blog will sprout real content and a podcast. If you are here, you must know this already since you clearly know the idiots intent on polluting the internet with their mindless drivel.
If you are not sufficiently entertained by this page, please drink some gin and wait for the real thing.
If you are not sufficiently entertained once the site launches, I don’t know what to tell you. Try drinking more gin. Maybe we’ll get funnier.
June 27th, 2007 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)
A day after saying of John Edwards (the Presidential Candidate, not The Biggest Douche in the Universe) “If I’m going to say anything about John Edwards in the future, I’ll just wish he had been killed in a terrorist assassination plot,” the useless cunt who will hereafter be referred to as “Useless Cunt” (see blog title for her given name) decided to do the following: Read the rest of this entry »
Jack in the Box is a distant dream. By that I mean it is 200 miles away.
Don’t even ask about In ‘N Out Burger.
Here it’s Edy’s, not Dreyer’s. Apparently the other guy who started the company wanted some credit, too.
You can’t buy alcohol on Sunday except in licensed bars in certain areas, because the whole fucking state is the little town from Footloose.
On a related note, you can’t buy liquor from grocery stores, only wine and beer.
Continuing the theme: They don’t call the only places you can buy hard liquor “liquor stores”, they call them “package stores” or “bottle stores”. I guess it’s to confuse Al Qaeda.
Chicken is best served with pickles. Don’t ask me why, but every chicken sandwich has pickles on it. I ordered chicken NUGGETS and the fucking things tasted like pickles.
Everything, especially biscuits, needs gravy. I don’t even know how they make gravy from biscuits. I thought you needed meat juices.
Bail bonds, DUI schools, and title pawns are everywhere. I have no comment.
3 Christian Contemporary stations isn’t enough, but 2 Alternative Rock stations is more than the market can handle.
Turn signals are optional. In fact their use shows you to be an outsider or otherwise dangerously interested in living.
Checking your mirrors or looking over your shoulder before you change 3 lanes without signaling is also optional and apparently not a standard part of drivers training.
Good luck getting anywhere. I swear to God that streets here are 4-D objects: you can actually be at the intersection of a street and itself. I passed myself the other day. I didn’t signal. Fucker.
I’m sure there are some things I am forgetting, but that is the knowledge gained thus far. I’ll report again when I come to my senses.
On a totally unrelated subject, if you suspect your girl is an android, you should check for a switch. Stick your finger up her butt and see if it turns her off. If it does, she’s a fembot and you need to RUN AWAY!
July 15th, 2006 . by Andy (TANcast's #1 Ear-Rapist)
Sorry, ladies, but this hunk of raw manflesh is off the market. From here on in this is a pairs game only. The bacon’s taken. Insert your own mangled metaphor here.
What I am driving at is that I am married.
No, seriously.
Yes, to a girl.
No, I didn’t pay her.
No, she isn’t an actress I paid to stand next to me to convince my mother that I am not a gay. I already said I didn’t pay her.
On a related note, Survivor has taught me that ladies appearing on the show need to wear sports bras. And maybe leave the house once in a while before appearing on a show that takes place in the outdoors and lasts for 5 weeks. I’m just saying, you know exactly where you are going and for how long…
On a related note, I was skimming through the American Idol “tryouts” episodes looking for Slappy in a Superman costume and I was reminded that lots of people who should never, ever sing never, ever get told so by the people near them. I suspect that this is because the people near them are also tone deaf and thus are not driven away by the awful singing. My theory is that there is a selection bias at work, where the people left nearby won’t inform the singer of their lack of talent because they are actually unable to be aware of it. Everyone who isn’t tone deaf leaves before the song ends.
On a related note, people on Survivor also need to be aware of this bias and not assume they should start singing to their tribemates.
