TANcast

Noah doesn’t find Kanye West’s douchey behavior funny, Andy and Noah love Project Runway, Noah outsmarts the water company, the boys review “9” and “Extract,” Andy gets fired up about politics (and stupidity), Noah discovers a new kind of SPAM, Andy’s baby is to be feared by all, Tim talks a little about stand-up comedy, Andy’s mom gets schooled on Mexican Food in Missouri, the show can’t end with out some Glee and Star Trek, Tim reports on the D23 Expo, the boys hate on Joe Wilson, Andy sucks off Michael Ian Black, and Noah and Andy talk Snow Leopard, and Tim puts Universal Studios on notice.

Here is a link to the I *Heart* TANcast picture for you to put on your social networking site to win out Talking Joke Box contest: http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/I-heart-TANcast-flyer.jpg (Contest Ends October 3, 2009)

This week’s TANlaugh was submitted by Brian.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

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30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 20

7 hours from now I’ll be performing in Santa Cruz with my future in the San Francisco Comedy Competition on the line. Until then I’m just waiting. I don’t want to particularly sit here and stress about it for the next 7 hours…because that’s really not going to help anything. But I feel like if I sit here not thinking about it, I’m not accomplishing anything. It’s one of those limbo times. I can’t do anything to effect the outcome of my day for the next 7 hours…but I can’t really move on with my day until then. It’s like a Christmas morning of stress. I can’t wait to open my presents, but if I open them wrong, they might blow up in my face.

What to do? I guess I’ll edit TANcast…

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 19

Why do I do this? Why am I comedian? I don’t ask this because I don’t think I’m funny, I ask this because the job of stand-up comedian involves a lot of rejection…and I apparently can’t deal well with rejection. It’s almost the end of the preliminary round of the San Francisco Comedy Competition. The first 2 nights I placed in the top 5, which is good. I felt happy about it, but was determined that I still needed to do better. The second two nights I did NOT place in the top 5…the anger that welled within me was enough to make me turn to the dark side and force choke Padame. I don’t know why. There are 14 other comics and they’re all good…some of them are REALLY good. I realize every competition has to have a loser. But when that loser is me, I just see red. It’s kind of like my hatred of gambling. I know there’s risk going in but I get so emotionally invested that when I lose, I also lose my mind!

Let me be clear, I don’t think that I am the most awesome comedian who ever lived (or even in the top 150). Thusly, I don’t believe I should win every contest I enter. But something about NOT winning spikes the gamma rays in my bloodstream and makes me want to SMASH!!!

Thankfully, I’ve gotten good at not shooting my mouth off. ‘Cause in my mind I’m blaming everyone from the crowd to the judges to the people who made the line up to the other comedians. It’s only as I cool off in the car ride on the way home that I really start to step back and point the blame inward. I’m the one who has to step my game up, not anyone else. I can’t keep second guessing my material, I have to go with what works and believe in it to the end. I know these jokes can rock a house, because I’ve been the one telling them when they have. (I don’t know if you can tell, but I’ve been listening to the Rocky soundtrack for the last hour)

So tomorrow is the final show of this round in Santa Cruz. It’s make or break time. If I don’t place in the top 5, I am effectively done in this competition. So I am going to bring it with everything I’ve got. I’ve played the Crow’s Nest before, I usually do well there. It’s a rowdy crowd but they like to laugh if you can hold their attention. Tomorrow, I will hold their attention! I will have the set of my life tomorrow! I will make people laugh until they pee (or fart). I’m “leaving it all on the ice tomorrow,” as Kevin Smith would say! I may be beaten and bruised, but I can hear the crowd chanting “Roc-ky! Roc-ky! Roc-ky!” And I know I have to get up and get back in there…because it’s not about how hard you hit…it’s about how hard you can GET hit and keep moving forward. It’s about how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!!!

I think I have whipped myself into a frenzy with enough cliches and sports metaphors…now let’s go tell some dick jokes!!! (Note: I do not actually have any “dick jokes” in my act)

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 18

I don’t think I’m going to listen to anymore San Francisco based comedians who come to Los Angeles and complain about the traffic. I was driving to Sonoma State University yesterday and I took a wrong turn and had to cross both the Bay Bridge and the Golden Gate Bridge…yipes! Just yipes!!! Give me the 405 any day over that mess. It was stopped still, people were douches who didn’t know how to merge, and to top it off I had to pay a toll just for the privilege of sitting in all this shitty traffic.

On a side note: why are there no happy toll booth operators? I have never seen a tool booth operator smile. What happens in that booth all day? Are other drivers just screaming insults as they go by?

“Here’s your $4…ROT IN HELL!!!”

I mean you sit in a booth all day. It’s not like you have to run around and do a lot. Someone hands you a 5 dollar bill you hand them back a 1 dollar bill…someone hands you a 20 dollar bill you hand them back a 1, a 5, and a 10! Is this really THAT miserable that you can’t smile at me when I say “hello?” The kids who work at the Disneyland parking lot seem to have it down and they have to deal with way more questions. No one ever asks the guy on the Bay Bridge what time California Adventure closes or when the fireworks are. Buck up toll boothers!

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 17

On the way to the competition last night, I discovered that the air conditioner in my car no longer works. I turn it on…nothing.

This does not strike me as a problem that will be a cheap one to fix (A quick Google search showed me someone with $1,100 is A/C repair bills. Oy!)

Why can’t my car just work right? I just want to drive it from place to place, I don’t want to line the pockets of every single auto mechanic up and down the California coast!

This is a short blog, filled with anger because I’m literally hot and bothered. Now I have to go sit in my scorching sweat box for a few hours to get to my gig tonight.

I hope I don’t sweat my funny off on the way there.

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 16

Uh oh…it’s 11:53pm as I start this blog. Fortunately, I have decided that the blog doesn’t have to be published by midnight, just started. (It’s my blog so it’s my rules)

I just unofficially came in 4th place in my first night of the San Francisco Comedy Competition. (Side note: if it weren’t for Spell-Check, I would never be able to spell “competition.” Every time I think I have it right, I get the little red squiggly line under it.)

4th place may not sound like the best thing ever (won’t even get you a medal in the Olympics), but I felt pretty darn good about it. The top 5 from this round move on to the next round, 4th place is kinda like the D+ that I got in my plant biology class in college, it isn’t the best grade ever, but it got me my degree.

It’s also just great to be in this competition. SO many others have been in this thing before me: Robin Williams, Dane Cook, Ellen DeGeneres, Dana Carvey, etc. So often in LA I’m on the same stages that so many legends have performed on but I feel so removed from their time. Yes, Richard Pryor performed here on his way up, but the scene and the circumstances were completely different.

This feels so much more similar. 5 nights, 5 minutes, 5 top finishers…it’s the same pressure and stakes that everyone in this contest before me has faced.

…now it’s time to see if I have it in me…or if that drunk lady in Temecula was right…and I suck.

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 15

“Really, Tim? You couldn’t wait 24 hours? You bastard!”

Tragically, Patrick Swayze passed away yesterday. I learned about this about 40 minutes before my first of 3 performances that night. I decided to mention it on stage all 3 times I performed. (“Too soon” has almost no meaning to a comedian)

The first two times the joke went over pretty well. The third time, however, it drew a very passionate complaint. Here’s the joke:

“So tragically Patrick Swayze passed away a few hours ago. But fortunately you can still talk to him when he possesses Whoopi Goldberg and makes Demi Moore cry.

I wish Patrick had died a while ago…not because I dislike him…I actually DO like him. That’s why I’m sad he lived long enough to see Michael Jackson’s memorial. Because you know he went to his grave thinking ‘Man, I’m not getting anything like this!’ I mean, c’mon I liked “To Wong Foo…” but no one is renting out the Staples Center for this guy. Nelson Mandela is not writing a letter to the family of the co-star of “Point Break.”

So, after my set, I heard I had drawn a complaint. I figured maybe it was a little too soon to make jokes at the expense of Mr. Swayze. I could see why someone might get rubbed the wrong way by that…but that wasn’t the complaint. This lady was fired up not because I made light of the death of Patrick Swayze, but because I compared him to Michael Jackson. “You can’t compare Patrick Swayze to Michael Jackson! Michael Jackson was a genius…that’s just not funny! I know funny! (clearly not) I want to talk to a manager. This looks bad on your establishment!”

Wow. First of all, I wasn’t even really comparing the two. Secondly, you’re an idiot who probably became a Michael Jackson supporter on June 25th…all my MJ songs were in regular rotation on my iPod on June 24th…so eat a bag of crap and die.

…and when you do die, you won’t get a service at the Staples Center either.

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 14

So my mom at I are at Disneyland yesterday for her birthday. You would expect that this story is filled with nothing but joy and happiness. You would be wrong. It was sullied before it even began.

My mom and I are on the tram to go from the parking lot to Disneyland. There is a little kid sitting across from us. He starts kicking his feet into my mom’s shins. The adult with him does nothing and says nothing. Finally my mom says, “You wanna quit kicking me?” To which the adult responds with an ultra helpful, “be careful” to the kid. (Said with all the concern of someone who doesn’t give a tenth of a crap. Then the little turd kicks my mom again. He tosses off an “I’m sorry” that’s as believable as the average Fox News story.

Finally we get off the tram and the kid and the adult catch up with some other adult who is apparently the actual mother. Does she say, “Hey your idiot kid was kicking some lady” when she talks to her? Nope. She COMPLAINS ABOUT MY MOM TALKING TO THE KID! She does this while we are both in earshot so my mom says, “Yeah I sure did.” To which non-mother adult says, “You’re repulsive.” At this point I had to jump in, “SHE’S repulsive for getting kicked by your kid?! How does that make sense?” Finally my mom says, “You know what I don’t need to ruin my day with this. Have a fun day at the park.”

I hope that abomination of a human being is reading this because you need to know that you are a piece of shit! You should not let your children do whatever they want. You have to set rules or else they grow up to be like Noah (I’ve just learned he’s not reading any of my blogs…so fuck him HA!) I just want that lady to know that it’s because of adults like her that I hate most children.

That night there was a huge accident on the 5 as my mom was driving home…I hope it was them. That’s not evil. SOMEONE already had an accident. I’m just saying if I could choose the victim, it would be that whore and her family. Is that so wrong?

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 13

After a brief musical interlude, you’ll hear: Tim sharing his love for Auto-Tune the News, Noah sharing his love for half naked women, Andy sharing his love for the Bloudhound Gang, Andy’s naked baby causing problems, Tim and Andy hating on termites, ugly pigs needing love too, Kevin Smith tweeting up a storm, too much body modification talk, Tim failing at being a D23 member, stressing at game night, a teacher has to resort to porn, and finally the boys get lost in a world of Princess Leia’s metal bikini.

Here is a link to the I *Heart* TANcast picture for you to put on your social networking site to win out Talking Joke Box contest: http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/I-heart-TANcast-flyer.jpg

This week’s TANlaughs were submitted by Victoria and Todd.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Read the rest of this entry »

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