TANcast

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 18

I don’t think I’m going to listen to anymore San Francisco based comedians who come to Los Angeles and complain about the traffic. I was driving to Sonoma State University yesterday and I took a wrong turn and had to cross both the Bay Bridge and the Golden Gate Bridge…yipes! Just yipes!!! Give me the 405 any day over that mess. It was stopped still, people were douches who didn’t know how to merge, and to top it off I had to pay a toll just for the privilege of sitting in all this shitty traffic.

On a side note: why are there no happy toll booth operators? I have never seen a tool booth operator smile. What happens in that booth all day? Are other drivers just screaming insults as they go by?

“Here’s your $4…ROT IN HELL!!!”

I mean you sit in a booth all day. It’s not like you have to run around and do a lot. Someone hands you a 5 dollar bill you hand them back a 1 dollar bill…someone hands you a 20 dollar bill you hand them back a 1, a 5, and a 10! Is this really THAT miserable that you can’t smile at me when I say “hello?” The kids who work at the Disneyland parking lot seem to have it down and they have to deal with way more questions. No one ever asks the guy on the Bay Bridge what time California Adventure closes or when the fireworks are. Buck up toll boothers!

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 17

On the way to the competition last night, I discovered that the air conditioner in my car no longer works. I turn it on…nothing.

This does not strike me as a problem that will be a cheap one to fix (A quick Google search showed me someone with $1,100 is A/C repair bills. Oy!)

Why can’t my car just work right? I just want to drive it from place to place, I don’t want to line the pockets of every single auto mechanic up and down the California coast!

This is a short blog, filled with anger because I’m literally hot and bothered. Now I have to go sit in my scorching sweat box for a few hours to get to my gig tonight.

I hope I don’t sweat my funny off on the way there.

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 16

Uh oh…it’s 11:53pm as I start this blog. Fortunately, I have decided that the blog doesn’t have to be published by midnight, just started. (It’s my blog so it’s my rules)

I just unofficially came in 4th place in my first night of the San Francisco Comedy Competition. (Side note: if it weren’t for Spell-Check, I would never be able to spell “competition.” Every time I think I have it right, I get the little red squiggly line under it.)

4th place may not sound like the best thing ever (won’t even get you a medal in the Olympics), but I felt pretty darn good about it. The top 5 from this round move on to the next round, 4th place is kinda like the D+ that I got in my plant biology class in college, it isn’t the best grade ever, but it got me my degree.

It’s also just great to be in this competition. SO many others have been in this thing before me: Robin Williams, Dane Cook, Ellen DeGeneres, Dana Carvey, etc. So often in LA I’m on the same stages that so many legends have performed on but I feel so removed from their time. Yes, Richard Pryor performed here on his way up, but the scene and the circumstances were completely different.

This feels so much more similar. 5 nights, 5 minutes, 5 top finishers…it’s the same pressure and stakes that everyone in this contest before me has faced.

…now it’s time to see if I have it in me…or if that drunk lady in Temecula was right…and I suck.

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 15

“Really, Tim? You couldn’t wait 24 hours? You bastard!”

Tragically, Patrick Swayze passed away yesterday. I learned about this about 40 minutes before my first of 3 performances that night. I decided to mention it on stage all 3 times I performed. (“Too soon” has almost no meaning to a comedian)

The first two times the joke went over pretty well. The third time, however, it drew a very passionate complaint. Here’s the joke:

“So tragically Patrick Swayze passed away a few hours ago. But fortunately you can still talk to him when he possesses Whoopi Goldberg and makes Demi Moore cry.

I wish Patrick had died a while ago…not because I dislike him…I actually DO like him. That’s why I’m sad he lived long enough to see Michael Jackson’s memorial. Because you know he went to his grave thinking ‘Man, I’m not getting anything like this!’ I mean, c’mon I liked “To Wong Foo…” but no one is renting out the Staples Center for this guy. Nelson Mandela is not writing a letter to the family of the co-star of “Point Break.”

So, after my set, I heard I had drawn a complaint. I figured maybe it was a little too soon to make jokes at the expense of Mr. Swayze. I could see why someone might get rubbed the wrong way by that…but that wasn’t the complaint. This lady was fired up not because I made light of the death of Patrick Swayze, but because I compared him to Michael Jackson. “You can’t compare Patrick Swayze to Michael Jackson! Michael Jackson was a genius…that’s just not funny! I know funny! (clearly not) I want to talk to a manager. This looks bad on your establishment!”

Wow. First of all, I wasn’t even really comparing the two. Secondly, you’re an idiot who probably became a Michael Jackson supporter on June 25th…all my MJ songs were in regular rotation on my iPod on June 24th…so eat a bag of crap and die.

…and when you do die, you won’t get a service at the Staples Center either.

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 14

So my mom at I are at Disneyland yesterday for her birthday. You would expect that this story is filled with nothing but joy and happiness. You would be wrong. It was sullied before it even began.

My mom and I are on the tram to go from the parking lot to Disneyland. There is a little kid sitting across from us. He starts kicking his feet into my mom’s shins. The adult with him does nothing and says nothing. Finally my mom says, “You wanna quit kicking me?” To which the adult responds with an ultra helpful, “be careful” to the kid. (Said with all the concern of someone who doesn’t give a tenth of a crap. Then the little turd kicks my mom again. He tosses off an “I’m sorry” that’s as believable as the average Fox News story.

Finally we get off the tram and the kid and the adult catch up with some other adult who is apparently the actual mother. Does she say, “Hey your idiot kid was kicking some lady” when she talks to her? Nope. She COMPLAINS ABOUT MY MOM TALKING TO THE KID! She does this while we are both in earshot so my mom says, “Yeah I sure did.” To which non-mother adult says, “You’re repulsive.” At this point I had to jump in, “SHE’S repulsive for getting kicked by your kid?! How does that make sense?” Finally my mom says, “You know what I don’t need to ruin my day with this. Have a fun day at the park.”

I hope that abomination of a human being is reading this because you need to know that you are a piece of shit! You should not let your children do whatever they want. You have to set rules or else they grow up to be like Noah (I’ve just learned he’s not reading any of my blogs…so fuck him HA!) I just want that lady to know that it’s because of adults like her that I hate most children.

That night there was a huge accident on the 5 as my mom was driving home…I hope it was them. That’s not evil. SOMEONE already had an accident. I’m just saying if I could choose the victim, it would be that whore and her family. Is that so wrong?

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 13

After a brief musical interlude, you’ll hear: Tim sharing his love for Auto-Tune the News, Noah sharing his love for half naked women, Andy sharing his love for the Bloudhound Gang, Andy’s naked baby causing problems, Tim and Andy hating on termites, ugly pigs needing love too, Kevin Smith tweeting up a storm, too much body modification talk, Tim failing at being a D23 member, stressing at game night, a teacher has to resort to porn, and finally the boys get lost in a world of Princess Leia’s metal bikini.

Here is a link to the I *Heart* TANcast picture for you to put on your social networking site to win out Talking Joke Box contest: http://tancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/I-heart-TANcast-flyer.jpg

This week’s TANlaughs were submitted by Victoria and Todd.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Read the rest of this entry »

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 12

…yeah, you know me!!!

I’m about to head off to the Anaheim Conventioon Center to attend the 3rd day of the D23 Expo. For those who don’t know, it’s kind of like a Comic Con but for Disney. (I may have mentioned that on the show) I haven’t been to the first two days of the expo, but I hear that Johnny Depp showed up in full Jack Sparrow attire (and character) to announce that 2011 will see a new Pirates of the Caribbean move and the Muppets showed up to announce a new movie. In addition people like Tim Burton, Robin Williams, Nicholas Cage, John Travolta…and even Miley Cirus (oh yes…Miley Cirus…you know you’re excited) have already dropped by.

But there is one thing I’m most looking forward to and it’s not a famous person, it’s not some Disney legend from the past signing auto graphs…it’s the rumor that today they are going to announce a limited return for the Disney 3D film, Captain EO. If you don’t know what Catain EO is, check out one of my recent Kingdom Comedy Videos:

I think I mentioned this on the July 4th episode of TANcast, but I loved this movie as a kid. It’s a shame that it took MJ’s death to get the fan desire to see this movie back in Disneyland to reach high enough levels for Disney to take it seriously. But I really, really, REALLY want them to bring it back. The movie that’s in the theater now is super lame. Bob Iger (big shot at Disney) announced that there were “No current plans” to bring t back but that they were “looking at” the possibility.

I hope that was just to throw us off the scent…

C’mon, man…bring back the Captain!!! (I’m sorry…ths blog would be longer, but I have to get over to the expo while the gettin’s good)

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 11

Just getting this one in under the wire. (It’s 11:30pm on the west coast, baby!) I’ve been at Disneyland with my mom all day. Plus today was the Mousetalgia meet up at the park and it was fun to meet a bunch of the listeners and it’s so fun to hang with the Mousetalgia gang (No word on whether Kristen can be tricked…I mean…convinced into coming on TANcast)

But…the point of the blog is a t-shirt I saw at one of the Disneyland stores.

WOW! Mickey is PISSED! What movie cold Minnie possibly have dragged him to do get him THAT cheesed off?! (Oh yeah, that pun was intentional) There don’t seem to be any clues in the t-shirt’s design so I’ve come up with the five possibilities. So here are the top 5 movies that would tick Mickey Mouse off…

5) Mousehunt
(for obvious reasons)
4) Space Jam
(“You’re taking me to see a Bugs Bunny movie?! Why not take Bill Gates to the AppleStore?!”)
3) Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood
(Because above all, Mickey is a MAN)
2) Ghost Rider/Fantastic Four/Daredevil/The Punisher (tie)
(“I know what we bought…I don’t need to be reminded”)
1) Transformers
(“Minnie, after 81 years, we are done…DONE! Catch a cab, you’re not riding home with me!”)

30 Days and 30 Blogs: Day 10

I keep saying that one of these 30 blogs will be a chance for me to dig deep and produce something very funny and insightful…this is not that blog.

This is a blog that you might just as easily find on a 14 year old’s MySpace…I don’t wanna do the dishes. I know I promised I’d do them…I know there’s not even that many to do…I still don’t want to do it, okay?! Can you deal with that? I’d rather watch another episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation or just go to bed.

So instead I’m wasting time here on-line bouncing from Facebook to MiceChat to YouTube…etc. Somehow putting off is a better idea? I don’t know why…but it is. Maybe if I waste enough time the dishes will do themselves. Or we’ll be attacked by ninjas and no one will care that the dishes aren’t clean.

Ok…fine I’ll go do the damn dishes…

…right after I see what’s new at Failblog.org and Cracked.com.

DON’T JUDGE ME!!!