TANcast

31 Blogs of Christmas
Day 5

In this economy, we all need to squeeze every drop out of the money we’re got…even when making chocolate milk. Don’t you hate when you get to the end of the bottle of chocolate syrup and no more is coming out? Because you KNOW there’s more in there, it just won’t come out. That’s valuable chocolate goodness I’m missing out on because that bottle doesn’t want to let it go. No? Just me? Well, we’ll see if that judgmental look is still on your face when you see my solution.

Step 1: Remove cap from bottle

Step 2: Carefully poor milk into syrup bottle

Step 3: Replace cap and shake vigorously

The importance of putting the cap back on first cannot be overstated.

Step 4: Poor some delicious chocolate milk into a glass

Step 5: Enjoy while ignoring the judgmental looks on people’s faces

31 Blogs of Christmas
Day 4
You can’t escape the holiday season without hearing certain Christmas songs. If you haven’t already, you’re going to hear Bing Crosby’s White Christmas, Nat King Cole’s Christmas Song, and Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. But if you dig past all the “best of” Christmas collections, there’s some fun Christmas gems out there that don’t get enough play (in my opinion…and it’s my blog so my opinion is the one that’s going to count). So here are my High 5 lesser known Christmas songs…

5) Christmas Is Coming – The Muppets

Don’t just listen to the 12 Days of Christmas on the Muppets/John Denver Christmas CD, stick around for this fun song. The combination of Piggy, Gonzo, Scooter and Kermit’s nephew Robin is not the Muppet quartet I would have put together, but they work quite well.

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31 Blogs of Christmas
Day 3

My wife thinks I’m writing a blog about Cyber Monday vs Black Friday. In fairness, that was what I set out to do. But then I realized that I’ve never shopped on Black Friday, and technically I’ve never actually ordered anything on Cyber Monday. So really, I couldn’t be less qualified to write an article contrasting the two. But I am going to talk about what they have in common…buying gifts. In this case, gifts for my wife.

You see, my wife is a December baby. Which means I’ve got to get her some thing good for her birthday and then get her something else good a few weeks later for Christmas. And no, I’m not ever going to try to combine them into one “huge” gift. They are separate occasions that deserve separate celebrations.

The problem is, I suck at buying gifts for my wife. While we share a lot of things in common, our taste in presents is not one of those things. I’m pretty easy to shop for come Christmas time. Pick whatever movie I liked during the summer and grab the DVD (or now BluRay). Boom! You’re done. You’ve just made Tim super happy. My wife, on the other hand, almost never sits down and puts a DVD in. Even if she likes the movie. So getting her a DVD would be a waste of time. I could get her clothes but that’s always tricky. Between sizes and styles, I have no idea what’s going on in that women’s department. I’ve given her jewelry the past two years, so it might be a little lame to go back t that well. She has plenty of perfume.

So you know what I end up getting her a lot of the time? Candles. The woman loves the scent of pumpkin spice candles. Throw in a Starbucks gift card and you’ve got a great gift…from an uncle. The clock is ticking and I need some ideas.

…and these Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals were no help at all!!!

31 Blogs of Christmas
Day 2

“Whatchu Singin’ About” is a series I started a while back to make fun of how crazy and nonsensical song lyrics are. It turns out Christmas carols are not immune to this phenomenon. “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” is one of those songs you can’t avoid this time of year. If you buy 2 Christmas song compilations, you’re bound to hear it at least once. But if you stop and listen to the lyrics, you might wonder how this got to be such an accepted holiday staple.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

It’s starts off with the chorus. This is the part of the song that you probably already know. It’s odd but kinda cute. Santa’s sleigh accidentally knocked over this poor grandma. I’m sure she picked herself up, dusted herself off, and told grandpa one hell of a story when she got home. But then we get into the verses and find out there’s more going on in this song than we thought…

She’d been drinkin’ too much egg nog
And we’d begged her not to go
But she’d left her medication
So she stumbled out the door into the snow

Woah…so the story backs up to before she got run over. Apparently these people let their drunken grandmother walk home in the snow. Not for nothing, but the elderly have a hard enough time walking around in the snow without adding alcohol into the mix. A reindeer is the least of her worries.

When they found her Christmas mornin’
At the scene of the attack
There were hoof prints on her forehead
And incriminatin’ Claus marks on her back

Wait…she DIED?! Is this song really about how Santa Claus mowed down someone’s grandmother and left her to bleed to death alone in the snow?! No wonder kids cry when you put them on Santa’s lap. He’s a stone cold ho ho homicidal maniac! And…WTF are “Claus marks?” Does that mean that Santa touched her? Oh no…you don’t think he…oh hell…I can’t…I don’t want to think about this anymore. Let’s skip the chorus and go to the next verse…

Now were all so proud of Grandpa
He’s been takin’ this so well
See him in there watchin’ football
Drinkin’ beer and playin’ cards with cousin Belle

Wait a minute. His wife dies last night and the next day he’s just playing poker and having a beer like nothing happened? Maybe Santa is off the hook. I wonder if grandpa bumped off the ol’ lady and tried to blame it on St. Nick. That would mean grandpa not only killed his poor wife, but intentionally tried to ruin the reputation of a figure beloved by children all over the world. Someone is getting coal next year!

It’s not Christmas without Grandma
All the family’s dressed in black
And we just can’t help but wonder
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

You’re grandmother died and all you’re wondering about is what to do with her gifts? “I mean it sucks that grandma died, but I could return this Matlock box set and get store credit!”
I think this whole family is horrible. Let’s skip the chorus again and go to the next verse…

Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of pig (Aaahhh)
And a blue and silver candle
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma’s wig

Buddy, this is not the song to be bragging about your Christmas feast. And we don’e appreciate your lame attempt to tie it back into grandma by taking about the candles. You’re fooling no one.

I’ve warned all my friends and neighbors
Better watch out for yourselves
They should never give a license
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves

A little late for that warning. Santa’s back at the north pole scraping grandma bits off Prancer’s hooves. That is, if it WAS Santa…

Sing it, Grandpa!

Oh lord! They’re in cahoots!

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walkin’ home from our house, Christmas eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!

Yeah, I bet grandpa believes.

…filthy murderer.

31 Blogs of Christmas
Day 1

After 3 “successful” months of blogging everyday, I’ve decided to keep it going for one more month! And what a great month…December! Bascially this month means you’re almost done with school for the semester, presents are coming your way, you get to see pretty lights and sing wonderful songs! It’s the best! All this month, I plan to take a look at various holiday related stuff and over-analyze it to the point of ridiculousness. (Because that’s what I do)

Today I’m looking at the House of Mouse Christmas special, “Mickey’s Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse.” The House of Mouse was a series that ran on the Disney Channel in the late 90’s and early 2000’s. It was basically a showcase for old Disney shorts as well as a platform to premiere new ones. The whole thing was couched as a variety show that Mickey and the gang were putting on in a club called, you guessed it, the House of Mouse. Inside, there were all sorts of characters from classic Disney films like Cinderella, Fantasia, even Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin.

Then we come to the Christmas special. The premise is that they can’t leave because they’re snowed in (I bet you figured that out from the title, huh? That’s why you’re my favorite, you’re so smart) So they pass the time by telling stories…which is to say, showing Disney shorts including Mickey’s Christmas Carol. I am super glad this exists because that is how I own Mickey’s Christmas Carol on DVD. But there is a major plot flaw.

Oh oh! Watch out everybody! Tim’s going to ruin our childhood again!

As I said, the premise is that they are trapped inside. Normally that would be believable enough, but as if you’ll recall, they have quite a guest list inside that club. Including…

Yeah…that’s the Genie from Aladdin. You know, the guy with unlimited magical powers.

“But Tim, he doesn’t have unlimited powers anymore now that he’s free. Boo boo boo boo.”

You know what? You’re no longer my favorite. Besides, as the direct to video sequels to Aladdin showed, the Genie may not have the same power he used to, but he still has plenty of magic powers. Certainly he has enough to shovel a little snow. And you’d think he’d be the first one to want to get out of there. He’s from the middle east…Christmas can’t be too high on his favorite holidays list.

Plus Tinkerbell is there, she could sprinkle pixie dust on every one and they could fly home. Pete’s Dragon is there, he could just breathe fire and melt he snow. My only conclusion is that, for some reason, none of these characters actually WANTED to go home to see their families. I guess Christmas dinners are even awkward in Fantasyland. Who knew?

This week Andy almost dies, Noah watches 6 movies, Tim eats all the food, and Black Friday creeps into Thanksgiving.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

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Talkin’ Turkey With Tim Babb
Day 30

This morning, my amazing wife made this awesome breakfast casserole with croissants, eggs, cheese, spinach and…BACON!!! It was delicious. I had seconds, it was so good.

But after the euphoria wore off, my wife asked me, “What do you want me to do with the bacon grease?”

Crap…

…I have no idea. I know you’re not supposed to pour it down the drain. Which sucks, because that would be the most convenient way to get rid of it. Beyond that, I’m not sure. So it still sits on the stove waiting for me to do something about it. Do I dump it in the trash? Does bacon grease count as compost?

Oh bacon, why must you come at such a cost?

Talkin’ Turkey with Tim Babb
Day 29

Looking at the latest series of commercials for Luvs diapers, I’m reminded of the old line, “Who were the ad wizards who came up with this one?” Let’s watch one of the videos in the series.

As usual, I know some of you won’t watch so I’ll hit the important points. The first half of the video, a kid asks a mom to hold her baby. The mom makes her drench herself in hand sanitizer to an extent that’s normally reserved for AFTER leaving a Walmart.

In the second half, the same mom (now with two kids) hands the new baby to a filthy auto mechanic.

The voice over then says, “By the second kid, every mom’s an expert, and more likely to choose Luvs than first time moms.” Wow. Way to take a crap on your own image, Luvs (at least you have somewhere to put it.)

They can call that 2nd time mom an “expert” if they want to, but all I see is a mom that gives zero f**ks. Understand, this is not a critique of her parenting choices. Odds are the baby will not suffer from contact wit he unwashed mechanic. But regardless, the mom just doesn’t care. So basically the ad is telling me, “By the second kid, mom’s aren’t as picky about the choices they make for their baby…so they’ll settle for Luvs!”

Talkin’ Turkey With Tim Babb
Day 28

So I’ve seen a bunch of people posting what they’ve been thankful for all month, and that’s super cool. But it’s not exactly filled with surprises. So you can all assume I’m thankful for my lovely wife, adorable son, wonderful mom, my great mother-n-law, my home, my health, my job, my country…blah blah blah! Here’s some stuff I’m thankful for that isn’t that important…but I still love it!

12) Peperoni Pizza

I mean, what more do I need to say? Delicious!
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Talkin’ Turkey With Tim Babb
Day 27

At my “day job,” we had a canned food drive this week. They organized it so departments were competing with each other to see who could donate the most. Fortunately, my department not only decided they wanted to win, but that they wanted to win with style!

PS – We did win. Booyah!!!