Recently Grammar Girl did a podcast entitled “How to Write a Complaint Letter”(which yu can find on her website: http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/ and it got me thinkin’…
Long ago, when the halls of MySpace were filled with people, I wrote a pair of blogs about some complain letters that I wrote to my corporate nemesis Mervyn’s. I found them and shall reproduce them for you now. Not only do I not follow the advice given by Grammar Girl, I also break all kinds of grammar rules to boot (which I’m sure comes as no surprise if you’ve ever read my blogs before).
So here is the first letter I wrote to Mervyn’s:
There has been a serious error regarding my account. I have only made one purchase on this account which I paid off less than a month later.
I recently received a notice from a collection agency saying I owe $247.14. The first and most obvious problem is that I should not have a balance to pay off on this account. As mentioned above, I paid the full balance of this card off within a month of my initial and only purchase.
The second problem is that it was sent to the wrong address. When I opened the account, my address was 6064 *street*. And I know this address was successfully conveyed when I opened the account because I received my credit card in the mail shortly after opening the account. However the address the collection notice was sent to was 6664 *street*. This leads me to believe that an error on your end resulted in notices being sent to the wrong address for over a year while what ever this charge is you seem to believe I owe drew more and more interest.
The third and most aggravating problem…and the reason I only made one purchase with the card… is that I was charged for the same items twice. When I signed up for the card, I was told that new card holders got an extra 10% off. However, when they rang me up, they neglected to give me that additional 10% off. So they re-rang up my items only to find out they could void out the first transaction. So I was charged for the same purchase twice (once at 10% off). After about 15 minutes of the store staff trying in vain to void the error, I was told by the manager that it would be taken care of at the corporate end and that I wouldn’t need to worry about it. Needless to say, when I got my bill it was NOT taken care of. When I called the Mervyn’s people, I got the run around for so long that I finally decided it was less hassle to just pay for my items twice and be done with the experience.
But THIS is going too far! I will not have money stolen from me again by this company. Please review whatever records you need to and credit my account…and then CLOSE IT. I assure you I will not have need of a Mervyn’s Credit Card ever again. Honestly man, I know your shitty clothes don’t attract a lot of business, but do you really have to resort to phantom charges to meet each month’s payroll? You are all a bunch of shit eating duchebags!
Suck my fat cock,
PS-Please contact me immediately to let me know this matter has been resolved or I will take a dump on the counter in every one of your shitty stores!
Yeah…seems pretty straight forward., I can’t imagine anybody having a problem with that letter. Then, a few weeks later, I got the following letter FROM Mervyn’s:
Thank you for your recent inquiry regarding the above referenced account. An itemized history of your account is enclosed. The referenced account is reporting correctly.
And now, as a bonus, you can either watch the video to hear the final letter or scroll down and read it for yourself…or do both! The world is your oyster on this blog!
And now my reply letter:
Dear Ass hats,
Thank you so much for looking into my account. It is regrettable that you shit stains did not read the letter I enclosed last time because, while the itemized history you enclosed does indeed show the account accumulating interest and late fees for not being paid, it also shows that each billing statement was sent to the wrong address. (A complaint I made in my letter…are you all illiterate or just stupid?)
Also I have gone back and checked with my bank and it seems my check number 1032 that was sent to your offices, shortly after a completely unhelpful conversation with your customer service (who seemed far more interested in jamming their heads straight up their own asses), was not deposited. Also, your most recent correspondence was again addressed wrong.How the fuck are you backward ass retards still in business?!
Here is a list of the errors that have been made on my account to this point:
1) I was charged twice for the same items at the Mervyns store where I opened my account
2) No one was able to remove the extra charge from my account.
3) My payment was lost by your office.
4) NINE (9) billing statements were sent to the wrong address with out one single phone call asking why they were being returned to sender.
5) My account was turned over to a collection agency still with out a single attempt to contact me by phone
6) After speaking with someone AND mailing over my correct address to clear this matter up, the documents mailed to me we sent to the wrong address AGAIN and this time with the wrong name.
Are you going for some sort of shitty service world record? Am I being P’nked? What could explain this level of incompetence?! You sell shitty clothes for a living…..it shouldn’t be this hard!
I have enclosed my previous letter, copies of the erroneous address on the billing statements, copy of the erroneous address on your most recent mailing and a check for the original amount I owed after being charged twice for the same merchandise. I feel I am being more than fair and I do not expect to hear about this matter further. I can’t wait to see how you guys fuck up next!
Lick my nuts,
Highly Dissatisfied Customer
Well I am sure I have just made Grammar Girl curse California’s educational system (unless she reads my blogs, in which case she’s been cursing it every day in September), but hopefully I gave some laughs along the way.
Oh…and if anyone from the former Mervyn’s corporate office is reading this, die in a fire! Toodles!