Day 30:

Comcast sucks. Comcast has always sucked. Comcast will always suck. This is the only constant in the universe. Someday people will find a way to live forever, pigs will find a way to fly, and Andy will find a way to tell a short story…but on that day and everyday before and after…Comcast will suck. So why am I amazed that they find new ways to suck?

I am aware they can’t get cable TV right. I’ve been able to deal with the fact that their internet service has it’s problems. But now, they’ve managed to screw up my phone line as well. The other day my wife said she called me on the house line and I thought, “Huh…that’s odd I didn’t hear it.” Then a few days later my mother-in-law said the same thing. I still heard no ring. Finally I misplaced my cell phone somewhere in the house so I grabbed the house line to call it…there was a strange silence where the dial tone should be.

I eventually found my cell phone and called Comcast. Of course, I had to go through a stupid automated menu. After punching enough buttons to write a Hemingway novel, the automated skank says, “If you would like to take a short survey after this call, press 1.” Well I had no desire to take a survey after that call so I did not press 1…and the call hung up. So I tweeted…

Nice, @comcast. First my phone stops working, then I call to get it fixed and you hang up on me! #YouAlwaysSuck

Then I called back and the same thing happened. So again I ran to Twitter…

Oh good, @Comcast hung up on me again YOUR AUTOMATED SYSTEM SUUUUUUUUUUUUCKSSSSSS!!!!

Finally, I tried pressing 1, and wouldn’t you know it, I got through to the next part of the button pushing bullcrap. Cue the tweet…

Brilliant strategy @Comcast, you won’t get me through to an operator until I agree to take your stupid post-call survey. #YouSuckSoMuch

At this point @ComcastMichael decided to jump into the fray. This poor fool has no idea what he’s getting into. I’m sure he’s a good man and has nothing but good intentions, but he is about to run face first into a wall of hate…

@ComcastMichael may i help?

@TimBabbComedian Sure. You can tell the hammer heads who handle the automated line to allow folks to skip the survey.

@ComcastMichael i will certainly forward your feedback to leadership

Not the most venom I’ve ever used on someone but still, he doesn’t need my attitude. He was literally just trying to help. Then I looked at his feed. Dear…lord…in…heaven! It’s full of him asking “can I help?” while people rant about their malfunctioning Comcast. I mean FULL. Pages and pages of this poor man trying to turn the tide. Just one guy with a tiny pail trying to bail out this flood of hate out of Comcast’s boat. I’ve never felt sorrier for a man in my life. So I replied to him…

Thank you, sir. But I fear you are fighting a losing battle.

If you’re reading this, Comcast Michael, just stop. It’s not worth it. You have your whole life to live. Nothing has been this futile since the Borg invaded. The only person who has a worse job than you is Lindsay Lohan’s agent. “No I swear she hardly does any heroin any more, you gotta let her audition…hello? HELLO?! Damn!” It’s too late for that agent, but you can still be saved, Comcast Michael. Drop the Comcast and be “Michael.” You’ll thank me later.