I hate being kept waiting at a doctor’s office. First you wait in the waiting room, then they call you back and weight something (perhaps your left ball) and either ask you to wait in a second, hidden waiting room or else direct you to an examination room where you will invariably wait some more.

About a month ago the wife and I walked out on an appointment without having seen the doctor; he was still 2 patients away from seeing us and it was 90 minutes after our scheduled 9:15 am appointment. The office had opened at 8:30 am, and somehow in just 45 minutes they were already running 2 hours late. I’m guessing the doctor actually strolled in around 10:30 am and they just kept all the patients in the dark, expecting us to take it like good little sheep…

Let me be clear on this (especially since Tim and Noah are bound to bust my balls): I am habitually late to almost everything. I procrastinate like no other man. If my superpower was not killing jokes, it would be being late.

I do see a difference, however, between sometimes being tardy and chronically keeping people waiting for hours. If I was like these doctors, I’d expect my friends to just leave without me. Actually, I’d expect them to stop scheduling time with me.

Worse, we pay the doctors for a service and yet somehow our busy schedules are expected to be as flexible as the MD’s whims dictate on any given day. There are typically no weekend or evening appointments offered, so working professionals like us get to take some unknown numbers of hours off in the middle of the day to see a doctor for a grand total of 5 minutes, often less and rarely more. If they are running hours behind, there is no courtesy call or offer to reschedule. They usually don’t even warn you when you walk it. You just get to take it and like it.

But I digress. This isn’t a rant about how unfair life is and how doctors by and large seem to think that their training and degrees grant them utmost entitlement over the lives of others. This is all about me, as befitting my own capacious ego and sense of utmost entitlement.

When I get bored I like to make my own fun. Sometimes my idea of fun does not mesh with that of others around me, or indeed with people’s desire to lead calm, normal lives uninfected by the sort of awfulness I bring wherever I go.

Case in point:

One day in mid-May, my wife and I had progressed through the minefield that is her obstetrics office and were waiting (for some now-forgotten but assuredly interminable period) to get some routine checkup done by her OB. I saw an informative poster on women’s health and reproduction tacked to the back of the exam room door and, being presently bored and eternally an asshole, decided to make some fun.

Since I am well-possessed of the same naughty fascination with lady parts as any prepubescent boy and had a camera phone handy, the results were sadly predictable…

I should not be allowed to go where normal people are.

See what I did there? Based on the title and intro I made like this was going to be about how shockingly bad the service is at doctors’ offices, but actually it was all just a setup to flash you all “The Shocker”!

If you can stand it, click the image above to see a larger (though no less crappy or stupid) version of the pictures.