Since I’m blogging on my old desktop computer anyway, I decided to delve into the archives and see if there was anything awful from my past we could mock. I did not expect to find something this bad in my old college papers.

I’m going to put today’s product here, because I fear you’ll stop reading this blog half way through my awful poem. It is Vogon poetry bad! But here’s a fun shirt for those of us who hate the Gym (or too much moving in general)

Working Out %#&@ Sucks!!! Shirt by TANcast

Okay…there’s no more putting it off. Let’s get to the bad poem. It may not surprise you to know I took a creative writing class in college. It will probably surprise you to know I got amazing grades in that class! The teacher loved me. I don’t know why. After you read this poem, you won’t know why either.

A Nail By Any Other Name…
A Poem in rhymed couplets

Rhinoceros toenail so cute and round.
A better toenail could never be found.

A big gray nail with so much style, and flair
Has not been seen and I’ve looked everywhere.

Yes, chicken nails and goat nails are dandy,
But rhino nails are sweeter than candy.

Though some may say dog toenails are for them.
I think they’re stupid and stink like old phlegm.

So you say Monkey nails are more your taste?
My advise is to go drink toxic waste!

But what say I of elephants you ask?
To like such a nail would be quite a task.

“What about my nails?!”, my girlfriend protests.
I look at her and say, “Surely you jest.”

Those human nails are the worst of the lot.
I hate them so much, I bit all mine off.

So what’ve we learned about what nails are best?
What kind of nail out shines all of the rest?

It’s not from the lion or buffalo.
It is the nail from the mighty rhino.

It makes a statement each time it hits ground.
It also makes a click, click, clicking sound.

Now my ode to the rhino nail has come to an end.
Thanks for reading my audience, my friend.

Let me remind you, this was not in preschool, this was a college paper. I wrote my name on that bad boy and turned it in.

I sat in my dorm room and said, “I’m just gonna write about Rhinoceros toenails. The world needs to hear my thoughts on them…in rhyme!”

Here’s the worst part…I got an A! The teacher thought I was “irreverent.” Also, I guess I did a good job of getting the technical parts right. (But I can’t believe that’s true. That reads like a traffic accident during rush hour.)

I can’t wait to see what other horrors await from my college years. Stay tuned…

(…or run screaming)