31 Blogs of Christmas
Day 2

“Whatchu Singin’ About” is a series I started a while back to make fun of how crazy and nonsensical song lyrics are. It turns out Christmas carols are not immune to this phenomenon. “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” is one of those songs you can’t avoid this time of year. If you buy 2 Christmas song compilations, you’re bound to hear it at least once. But if you stop and listen to the lyrics, you might wonder how this got to be such an accepted holiday staple.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

It’s starts off with the chorus. This is the part of the song that you probably already know. It’s odd but kinda cute. Santa’s sleigh accidentally knocked over this poor grandma. I’m sure she picked herself up, dusted herself off, and told grandpa one hell of a story when she got home. But then we get into the verses and find out there’s more going on in this song than we thought…

She’d been drinkin’ too much egg nog
And we’d begged her not to go
But she’d left her medication
So she stumbled out the door into the snow

Woah…so the story backs up to before she got run over. Apparently these people let their drunken grandmother walk home in the snow. Not for nothing, but the elderly have a hard enough time walking around in the snow without adding alcohol into the mix. A reindeer is the least of her worries.

When they found her Christmas mornin’
At the scene of the attack
There were hoof prints on her forehead
And incriminatin’ Claus marks on her back

Wait…she DIED?! Is this song really about how Santa Claus mowed down someone’s grandmother and left her to bleed to death alone in the snow?! No wonder kids cry when you put them on Santa’s lap. He’s a stone cold ho ho homicidal maniac! And…WTF are “Claus marks?” Does that mean that Santa touched her? Oh no…you don’t think he…oh hell…I can’t…I don’t want to think about this anymore. Let’s skip the chorus and go to the next verse…

Now were all so proud of Grandpa
He’s been takin’ this so well
See him in there watchin’ football
Drinkin’ beer and playin’ cards with cousin Belle

Wait a minute. His wife dies last night and the next day he’s just playing poker and having a beer like nothing happened? Maybe Santa is off the hook. I wonder if grandpa bumped off the ol’ lady and tried to blame it on St. Nick. That would mean grandpa not only killed his poor wife, but intentionally tried to ruin the reputation of a figure beloved by children all over the world. Someone is getting coal next year!

It’s not Christmas without Grandma
All the family’s dressed in black
And we just can’t help but wonder
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

You’re grandmother died and all you’re wondering about is what to do with her gifts? “I mean it sucks that grandma died, but I could return this Matlock box set and get store credit!”
I think this whole family is horrible. Let’s skip the chorus again and go to the next verse…

Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of pig (Aaahhh)
And a blue and silver candle
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma’s wig

Buddy, this is not the song to be bragging about your Christmas feast. And we don’e appreciate your lame attempt to tie it back into grandma by taking about the candles. You’re fooling no one.

I’ve warned all my friends and neighbors
Better watch out for yourselves
They should never give a license
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves

A little late for that warning. Santa’s back at the north pole scraping grandma bits off Prancer’s hooves. That is, if it WAS Santa…

Sing it, Grandpa!

Oh lord! They’re in cahoots!

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walkin’ home from our house, Christmas eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!

Yeah, I bet grandpa believes.

…filthy murderer.