Wow…it’s been over a year since I’ve done any work on this series! For newcomers to the blog, “Whatchu Singin’ About?” is not a slap in the face to the late Gary Coleman. It was intended to be a series of blogs making fun of songs with crappy lyrics. I feel sometimes a song is so catchy that the lyrics kinda fly under your radar until you really THINK about them. So I’m back with another edition. Since the first two of these were about douchey guys (Montel Jordan and Bryan Adams) I felt it was time to take a woman to task for her crap lyrics. The woman in question is Orianthi and the song…”According to You.”

Okay…I’m probably going to catch some flack for this. I know this song has a great message about women valuing themselves and standing up to men who don’t treat them as well as they deserve. I get that and I respect that…as a concept. The execution, however, leaves something to be desired. Let’s check out the first verse…

According to you
I’m stupid,
I’m useless,
I can’t do anything right.

Okay…we’re starting off strong. No woman should put up being told this by anyone…ESPECIALLY not a man who is supposedly in love with them. But I question whether or not the man in this scenario actually SAYS these things. Why? Read on…

According to you
I’m difficult, hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I’m a mess in a dress,
can’t show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

Those are all very irritating qualities and, I would say, legitimate complaints. Do you know what it’s like when you’re trying to get somewhere and the person you’re going with makes you late…over and over again? Well Noah and I do because we lived with Andy for several years…it sucks. We still haven’t stopped giving him crap about that and neither of us is even banging him. (That I know of…Noah?) Being difficult to please and always changing your mind is not fun either. I’m beginning to think the first verses may just be her putting words in his mouth because she can’t take criticism.

But according to him
I’m beautiful, incredible, he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not, according to you.

Oh…I see. You’re working some other guy on the side. Took lessons from Motel and Bryan, did ya? I’m sure that you spending time with some other guy who is obviously sweet on you has absolutely NO detrimental effects on your current relationship. Way to go honey.

According to you
I’m boring, I’m moody,
you can’t take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I’m the girl with the worst attention span;
you’re the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

Really, you don’t sound like the best partner lady. You’re boring and moody, you have a short attention span, and you can’t tell jokes? Sounds like the blind date from hell. Plus, you appear to be overly sensitive when someone points it out. What a great combination. I can hear the wedding bells already.

But according to him
I’m beautiful, incredible, he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not, according to you.

Alright…I hate to burst your bubble, but OF COURSE he says that crap to you. He’s trying to get LAID! Guys say all sorts of things to get laid. I once told a girl I would watch the Blue Collar Comedy Tour with her. I’m not proud of it…but it’s what men do. Especially a man who sees an opportunity like a girl whining and complaining about how her boyfriend doesn’t “get” her. It also doesn’t hurt if she has a hot Australian accent and looks like this:

I’d tell you what you wanted to hear too! (In fact…I hope you never read this blog)

I need to feel appreciated,
like I’m not hated. oh– no–.
Why can’t you see me through his eyes?
It’s too bad you’re making me decide.

I’m guessing he can’t see you through the other dude’s eyes because he’s already hit that. Here’s a secret…sometimes a guy will have sex with a girl and THEN say to himself, “Wait…I don’t like her at all.” I know, it’s not cool. But when you see the chance to get some sweet, blonde, Australian tail; you’ll convince yourself that you are actually interested in more than just sex. But once you’ve had sex and you’re lying there next to a boring, moody, unfunny, procrastinator…you have a change of heart. You’ve got to give this guy credit. At least he stuck around. He didn’t sneak out and not call you again. He’s trying to work on it. He’s trying to get the relationship to a point where he can enjoy your company when you’re NOT naked…

According to me
you’re stupid,
you’re useless,
you can’t do anything right.

Sadly, you seem more interested in lashing out at the one guy who’s giving you honest feedback. Instead of jumping ship and hopping into the sack with the next guy who fills your head with lies about how funny it is when you quote lines from “Two and a Half Men,” maybe you should work on actually being somewhere when you say you’ll be there. No? That’s too bad. I can’t believe Michael Jackson was gonna take you with him on his tour. Maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just hiding from his difficult, hard to please, drama queen of a guitarist.

“I swear, if she shows up to rehearsal late ONE MORE TIME, I’m faking my own death!”