I’m a fan of crappy music. There…I said it. I know most of the music I listen to isn’t “great music.” But it entertains me and I enjoy it. But at least I admit it! You may be one of the many living in denial. Your music sucks too.

“No it doesn’t I listen to ______ music. And it is awesome.”

I invite you to take a page from F. Scott Fitzgerald: “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.”

So I say unto you, “Your music sucks and it is also awesome.”

While listening to my iPod on random the other day I came upon the 1999 song from Montell Jordan, “Get It On Tonight.” This is a prime example of an awesome song that sucks. I like this groove (that’s why it’s on my iPod) but have you ever really LISTENED to the lyrics? Lucky for you I typed them out…

When I’m looking at you I keep thinking
Why can’t she be like you, so I’m scheming
I can’t go on like this
Believing that her love is true.

So it starts off reasonably enough. It sounds like a guy is going to break up with his girlfriend to chase some other woman. Morally questionable but not abominable at this point. (Unless that’s his wife he’s walking out on…c’mon, dude. Man up! Don’t puss out just because some hot chick walks in)

Standing on the dance floor while she’s trickin’
You are all I want girl, she’s a chicken
We might be together, but love is missing
Girl I want you, so what can we do?

And here is where it takes the stupid turn. Apparently he’s not breaking up with his girl…just cheating on her. That’s bad enough…but apparently he’s scoping out another woman right in front of her at the club?! Dude…what are you thinking? Even the morons on “Cheaters” aren’t this stupid! She’s not gonna be sitting there drinking long. They’re gonna be pulling shards of her drinking glass out of you for the next week!

Girl if it’s alright
Let’s go somewhere and get it on tonight
I’ve got a girl but you look good tonight
It’s one on one tonight, tonight
Girl if it’s alright
Let’s go somewhere and get it on tonight
You shouldn’t have to be alone tonight
It’s one on one tonight, tonight

This chorus is the most polite, yet poorly reasoned overture to infidelity ever. He wants to have meaningless sex with this girl…but only if it’s “alright.” Well, Montel, it ain’t alright. It’s all wrong! Especially your reason “I’ve got a girl but you look good tonight.” Leaving aside the implication that this new girl only looks good “tonight,” is that the whole reason you’re cheating?! She “looks good?” Pace yourself, son. Lots of women look good. You can’t go around humping them all.

Now she’s looking at me, but keep talking
Oh, now she’s trying to ice you, let’s start walking
Over on the dance floor
It’s her fault but what can she do?
Tell me baby, yeah

So now your girlfriend has caught on to what you’re up to and is going to “ice you. (Urban Dictionary says: “To embaress or insult some one badly.” …I thought “ice” meant kill. THAT might be a bit of an overreaction) So your solution to being discovered chatting it up with another girl is to take her on the dance floor and cut a rug? Brilliant. I know how my wife would handle this situation if I did that to her…basically I would not be here to tell you about it. So don’t ask “what can she do?'” or you may find out the hard way…like John Wayne Bobbitt did. Then the douche repeats the chorus until we get this interchange…

Douche Bag Guy: Girl if you’re ready
Dumb Whore: I’m ready
Douche Bag Guy: We can get it on
Dumb Whore: We can get it on
Douche Bag Guy: I know where I went wrong
Dumb Whore: She’s where you went wrong
Douche Bag Guy: With you is where I belong, belong

Now you may say that the title “Dumb Whore” is a bit harsh for this young lady. Well, I take my cue form the evidence provided so far. Here is the information she’s been given from the guy:

1. I have a girl
2. She’s standing right there
3. I want to bang your brains out anyway

To which she essentially replies, “Let’s do this!”

In my eyes, that is a dumb whore.

Girl if I could find the words to say
I gotta get away from a love
That kills me everyday
I’d gladly say to you

I’m no Dr. Phil, or Dr. Drew…or even Dr. Pepper, but if that love is killing you everyday…sleeping with some stranger in a bar is not going to make that better. It will make things worse…especially if she SEES you…which, as we’ve established, she has.

Girl if it’s alright
My baby’s stressin’ me
You need to come with me
We need to go somewhere, yeah
Tonight, tonight

This is his random blatherings as the song comes to a close. So I guess we are supposed to assume that they did indeed get it on that night. But how? Perhaps I’m old fashioned, but back in my dating days, if I went out to a club with a lady, I drove. So how is his girl getting home? Is he gonna sneak out and ditch her there? Now not only is he a cheater, but he’s stranding her at the club…where she clearly doesn’t even want to be (she’s not dancing, after all).

But lets say they drove separately…he still has to explain what he’s doing with the rest of his night. Sure he could say he’s tired, but she just watched him dance with the Dumb Whore all night.

Bottom line…don’t try this at home, kids. It’s a good song with a horrible message and an even more horrible plot.

…oh crap…I just found the Music video on YouTube. Stay tuned…another blog is comin’….