Sorry, ladies, but this hunk of raw manflesh is off the market. From here on in this is a pairs game only. The bacon’s taken. Insert your own mangled metaphor here.

What I am driving at is that I am married.

No, seriously.

Yes, to a girl.

No, I didn’t pay her.

No, she isn’t an actress I paid to stand next to me to convince my mother that I am not a gay. I already said I didn’t pay her.

No, smart-ass, nobody paid her on my behalf.

Okay, I’m done talking to you now. Asshole…