Last night I took my fiancee to see Keith Urban at the Shark Tank for her Chrismahanukwanzakah present. He’s on her list, so we had a deal: if she left with him I was allowed to leave with Nicole…

We had third row seats, because I am that awesome. We didn’t have first row, because even my awesomeness is limited.

We were so close I could smell the sweat of Keith Urban’s balls, and it was the most wholesome, refreshing thing I have ever smelled. It was like the scent of a baby’s head mixed with the sweetness of honey.

Aw, shit. Now I’m hungry…