The Michael Jackson trial goes to the jury today to decide the pop icon’s guilt on 10 felony counts including 7 counts of “lewd or lascivious acts on a child under the age of 14” and 2 of “administering an intoxicating agent” related to the molestation charges.

Happily, Jackson should be assured a fair deliberation thanks to the extraordinary, nay, Herculean lengths the Santa Maria courts went to to assure Jackson a jury of his peers. The deliberation will fall to:

• Two young black men
• Three middle-aged white women
• Eddie Murphy
• A hermaphrodite of indeterminate race
• A family of chimpanzees: Bobo, Suzee, and Mikey (no relation to Bubbles)
• Robert Kelly (known as “R.” to friends and fans)
• And jury foreperson: A Macy’s store mannequin

The Jolly Green Giant was excused from the jury pool early on when his past associations with Jackson came to light.