Listen, children, as I impart a lesson learned by watching a dog take a shit.

Like Jimmy Pop said, I hate poopin’ in public places. The constant noise of others coming and going (pardon the pun) really makes my brown eye squint. I’m always super self-conscious about the rude noises and foul smells coming from my stall and even worry about the “dirt roads” left behind on the bowl when I flush. These low-flow toilets don’t seem to have much in the way of self-cleaning ability, at least not when dealing with my turds.

I can’t stop the people or the noises or the smells, but through a stroke of pure genius I have come up with a way to deal with poo-trail issues. Crap on paper.

Seriously. Crap on paper.

Every single public bathroom stall has a dispenser for those rings of tissue paper. I don’t know what those things are really for other than allowing piss/shit water to wick up to your thighs, but I have come up with a better use for them. Take two or three sheets of ass-gasket from the dispenser and float them on the water in the bowl. When you do the doo, your little torpedoes will land on and sink the floating paper, keeping the tissue layers between your butt mud and the pristine porcelain.

In order to avoid clogging the works and just on the general principal of doing right by those around you, it would be best to do a courtesy flush before you start wiping. When you flush you will send a little wrapped package of feces off to the Bay for the homeless to nourish themselves with, and nary a fleck left behind.

Who doesn’t like a brown-bag lunch, after all?