I just took a quick trip to see my parents, which means I drove the same 90 miles twice in about 24 hours. The visit was lovely, but what follows is a profanity-laced letter to a few of the drivers who “shared” the road with me. Anyone weak of stomach or easily offended or related to me should read no further.

To the Sunday drivers, yes I know it is actually Sunday but seriously: MOVE THE FUCK OVER. I should not be doing 62 in a 65 zone in the FAST LANE behind you. Hell, you shouldn’t have been going 65 in the fast lane if people behind you are trying to go faster. Funny thing, that. The law states you can’t exceed the speed limit, but you ALSO can’t impede traffic even if they are trying to speed. And a special “fuck you” goes to the guy doing 55 in a 65 zone on a 2-lane highway next to a big rig. You deserved every inch of that finger I flipped you, buddy.

As an extension to the above, the granny going 45 in the slow lane should look for her gas pedal, look for her nerves, or look for someone else to drive her. Ever try to merge left into real traffic when you are stuck behind some fucking blue-hair who is forcing your lane to be 20 mph slower than the rest of the freeway? I can only say “Thank God I drive an Acura.”

To the asshats who forgot how to merge, I suggest you look at your steering column on the left side. You will find a nifty little stick there which tells the rest of us you want to move over. I, as a fairly conscientious driver, will try to make room for you unless you have been driving like a dick (see below). One caveat, however: it is a physical impossibility for us both to exist in the same space at the same time, so to the two special fucktards who almost ran me off the road I suggest that in the future you use that nifty doodad called a “neck” (the thing that holds your shit repository up) and LOOK OVER AT THE ROAD NEXT TO YOU. I’m no ninja, so I have no idea how you idiots failed to note the presence of me and my big green car in that lane.

To the dick in the Mitsubishi, the fact that you put a fin on your little piece of shit car does not mean you own the road. In fact, even if you paid substantially more in taxes than I did last year, you still do not get to drive like the rest of us are your road cones in some car slalom game. And yes, I saw your turn signal when you were trying to merge in front of me. I also saw you cut across 3 lanes of traffic and make a bunch of other people hit their brakes because you thought you were in the next Indy 500 trials. I stuck you in that lane so you could think about what you did. Ass.

To end on a higher note: to the other THOUSANDS of people I was on the road with today, thanks for all being decent human beings. I would let you all date my sister, if I had one.