Day 31:

As a comedian, I run into some really funny people. Every so often I meet a comedian that I enjoy so much that I want the world to know. So during this blog-filled October (Blogtober), I’ll be highlighting a wonderful comic each Friday (or in this case the following Wednesday…when it’s not even October anymore) in a feature called TGIF: (This Guy/Gal Is Funny). These won’t be long essays or anything, just a little recommendation on some people to go to when you want to laugh. This week, I want to draw your attention to Chris Adams and Jerry Brandt.

If you listen to TANcast at all (and why would you?) you’ve heard of both of these funny gents. They host the Drinking Buddies show Wednesday nights at 10pm Pacific Time on KBEACH.org. But before they were podcasters they were comics…and while they are podcasters, they are also comics…and I imagine long after they are podcasters they will still be comics.

Chris doesn’t know it, but he is one of the first comics I met when I moved to LA. I hadn’t been in town very long and I was seeking out stage time. Chris was co-running a room in Long Beach at a restaurant/bar called Taco Beach. I introduced myself and we chatted about comedy after the show was over ad he promptly invited me back to the next show to do a set. Thus, he set up a false expectation that everyone down there was friendly and nice. An expectation that was no doubt broken by the next comic I met that week. Here’s some of Chris’s comedy (while he stands VERY still)

Jerry and I met at a benifit show for cancer. Well…it was for fighting cancer. One of those Team In Training deals (seems like everyone knows at least one person who’s involved with them. I know 4) Jerry was a great host that night and after that, we crossed paths many times doing the open mic rounds. He was even good enough to book me a few times at the various rooms he ran. Here he is laying down some comedy on his birthday at the Jon Lovitz in Hollywood…

The thing I like about both these guys is the way they use their harrowing personal life stories to make some great comedy. Similar tactic, but drastically different styles of comedy. That’s why you gotta love this business! So check them out every week on Drinking Buddies and if you listen, they’ll let you know when you can come see them live!

Bottom line…Chris Adams and Jerry Brandt: These Guys Is Funny!!!

Day 30:

Comcast sucks. Comcast has always sucked. Comcast will always suck. This is the only constant in the universe. Someday people will find a way to live forever, pigs will find a way to fly, and Andy will find a way to tell a short story…but on that day and everyday before and after…Comcast will suck. So why am I amazed that they find new ways to suck?

I am aware they can’t get cable TV right. I’ve been able to deal with the fact that their internet service has it’s problems. But now, they’ve managed to screw up my phone line as well. The other day my wife said she called me on the house line and I thought, “Huh…that’s odd I didn’t hear it.” Then a few days later my mother-in-law said the same thing. I still heard no ring. Finally I misplaced my cell phone somewhere in the house so I grabbed the house line to call it…there was a strange silence where the dial tone should be.

I eventually found my cell phone and called Comcast. Of course, I had to go through a stupid automated menu. After punching enough buttons to write a Hemingway novel, the automated skank says, “If you would like to take a short survey after this call, press 1.” Well I had no desire to take a survey after that call so I did not press 1…and the call hung up. So I tweeted…

Nice, @comcast. First my phone stops working, then I call to get it fixed and you hang up on me! #YouAlwaysSuck

Then I called back and the same thing happened. So again I ran to Twitter…

Oh good, @Comcast hung up on me again YOUR AUTOMATED SYSTEM SUUUUUUUUUUUUCKSSSSSS!!!!

Finally, I tried pressing 1, and wouldn’t you know it, I got through to the next part of the button pushing bullcrap. Cue the tweet…

Brilliant strategy @Comcast, you won’t get me through to an operator until I agree to take your stupid post-call survey. #YouSuckSoMuch

At this point @ComcastMichael decided to jump into the fray. This poor fool has no idea what he’s getting into. I’m sure he’s a good man and has nothing but good intentions, but he is about to run face first into a wall of hate…

@ComcastMichael may i help?

@TimBabbComedian Sure. You can tell the hammer heads who handle the automated line to allow folks to skip the survey.

@ComcastMichael i will certainly forward your feedback to leadership

Not the most venom I’ve ever used on someone but still, he doesn’t need my attitude. He was literally just trying to help. Then I looked at his feed. Dear…lord…in…heaven! It’s full of him asking “can I help?” while people rant about their malfunctioning Comcast. I mean FULL. Pages and pages of this poor man trying to turn the tide. Just one guy with a tiny pail trying to bail out this flood of hate out of Comcast’s boat. I’ve never felt sorrier for a man in my life. So I replied to him…

Thank you, sir. But I fear you are fighting a losing battle.

If you’re reading this, Comcast Michael, just stop. It’s not worth it. You have your whole life to live. Nothing has been this futile since the Borg invaded. The only person who has a worse job than you is Lindsay Lohan’s agent. “No I swear she hardly does any heroin any more, you gotta let her audition…hello? HELLO?! Damn!” It’s too late for that agent, but you can still be saved, Comcast Michael. Drop the Comcast and be “Michael.” You’ll thank me later.

You’ve heard the episode, now vote for your favorite. Hurry! Voting ends Sunday, August 7th at 9:30am (Disneyland time) You can vote once a day.

It’s one of the hottest nerd debates since “how many ways is Star Trek better than Doctor Who (A million or a billion)?” and we answered it on Monday Night TANfights in TANcast 143. Now it’s your turn, do you agree with the judges or did they make the wrong call? (Poll closes for voting on March 27, 2011 at 10:00am Disneyland Time)

Earl Grey Tea Cookies

1 cup all purpose flour
1/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup powdered sugar
1 tablespoon Earl Grey tea leaves (about 3 bags of tea leaves)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup vegan Smart Balance

Water (add 1 teaspoon at a time)

In a food processor pulse together the flour, sugar, powdered sugar, tea leaves and salt. Add vanilla and Smart Balance and pulse until dough looks like gravel. Continue pulsing dough adding 1 teaspoon of water at a time until dough forms a ball.

Wrap dough in plastic wrap and chill in the freezer for 30 minutes.

Roll out dough on a floured surface, dough should be between ¼ and ? inches thick. Use small cookie cutters and place on a baking sheet covered in parchment paper.

Preheat oven to 375°F. Bake for 12 minutes or until the edges just start to turn brown.

You heard the TANfight on TANcast 142 now make your voice heard. It’s Aquaman and Sharktopus rematch and YOU get to decide the outcome! Hurry voting ends 3/20/2011 10:00AM (Disneyland time)

It’s the undead fight of the century as the zombie King of Pop faces off against the zombie queen of advice columns. Who will win? You heard OUR thoughts in episode 141, now it’s your turn to vote!

You’ve heard Tim, Andy, and Noah give their opinions on TANcast 140…who do YOU think would win?

(I end up doing a lot of blog “sequels,” don’t I?)

The casting website that knew me so well last time is at it again. Apparently they were on a spree today because I got three e-mails from them in under an hour. Here they are in order of appearance:

Your TCF profile matches three criteria for the following role: Woman with Lap Top

Gender: MATCH
Ethnicity: MATCH
Age Range: MATCH

Description: GOOD COMEDIC ACTOR. FUNNY DIALOGUE TO BE PLAYED STRAIGHT.

In case you missed the description, it says they want the part to be played straight. So naturally you sent the part for a woman with a laptop to a guy. Yeah I can see how that’s the perfect part for me to play straight.

No matter how hard you try, you can’t Ctrl Alt Delete this image from your mind.

Your TCF profile matches three criteria for the following role: Man and Woman Jogging

Gender: MATCH
Ethnicity: MATCH
Age Range: MATCH

Description: GOOD COMEDIC ACTOR. FUNNY DIALOGUE TO BE PLAYED STRAIGHT. ATHLETIC AND CUTE LOOKING.

I would like to take the “athletic and cute looking” part as a compliment but clearly they don’t know if I’m a man or a woman…now they think I’m both? They’re sending me on an audition for a man AND woman jogging?!

“Honey, let’s go jogging to get THIS image out of our brain!”

Your TCF profile matches three criteria for the following role: Awkward Guy

Gender: MATCH
Ethnicity: MATCH
Age Range: MATCH

Description: GOOD COMEDIC ACTOR. FUNNY DIALOGUE TO BE PLAYED STRAIGHT.

Well, if I wasn’t a good match for awkward guy before, I sure am now. I am feeling A-W-K-W-A-R-D!!!

Back to “Blog Harder” Main Blog

My wife and I went to dinner with her mom tonight and when we got back to the apartment, there was a cloak of stank in the air. It smells HORRIBLE! With the windows open or closed. There is no escape from this stink! It smells like rotten food and sewage had a kid who just took off his sweaty socks. I’m going to eat some beans just so I can get some relief from my farts. What the hell is that?! Make it stop! Please, oh please…make it STOOOOOP!!!!

PS-I would really like to blame this on my annoying downstairs neighbors (the ones who were so rude to my wife about or alarm). In fact, I do. It’s their fault. I have decided it.

Back to “Blog Harder” Main Blog

First off, I’d like to make note that this is the first blog to be posted with my NEW laptop that I go thanks to Andy’s advice in TANcast episode 117. Can’t you sense that new laptop smell?

But that’s not what this blog is about…I’m in Las Vegas for the World Series of Comedy. I have already been knocked out. I came in second in my round, and only first place moves on to the semi finals. But don’t cry for me, I’ve met some great people who book shows all around the country (and one in Canada). So hopefully, that will translate to you seeing me at a club near you some time in the future.

But that’s not what this blog is about either…this blog is for the most awesome visual metaphor for Vegas ever that I discovered in my hotel room:

I know…it’s a little hard to see. It’s the toilet in my hotel room. A the risk of dropping my new phone, let me pull in a little closer…

Yes! That is money. Someone literally threw their money in the toilet in Vegas. Awesome!

Back to “Blog Harder” Main Blog

Sometimes the life of a comic means you have to do tasks at weird hours. For instance, I often go shopping at grocery stores that are open 24 hours because that way I can get in there after a show at midnight or 1 am. The upside to that is that there are usually no crowds. The downside? Well take a look…

Not a lot of selection for the late night shopper! I don’t know when the hour is when they restock the produce, but it’s apparently not around 1am. But at least the fruit that’s left behind is still 100% quality…oh wait…

At least in the picture you can’t see the bugs flying out of it. Delicious.

Oh and one last thing…the other downside to shopping late at night is that you don’t get home to write your blog in time. Sorry folks.

Back to “Blog Harder” Main Blog

The other day I was filling up at my favorite gas station (read: cheapest), and I went to pay with my card and I noticed they had changed the interface. What was once just a card slot and a screen with some buttons was now a protracted box with full color screen and fancy keypad. Once I swiped my card and began pumping, I saw this on the screen:

Oh good…NOW it’s secure, huh? So until you installed this what was happening? Were you running my pin number and account info on the jumbo tron at the local baseball stadium? I wasn’t worried about my security at the pump until now? What are you really telling me with this new fangled gadget?!

Back to “Blog Harder” Main Blog

I’m sitting at the Toyota service department waiting for them to fix my wife’s car alarm. See it has this problem where the alarm goes off randomly in the middle of the night.

So, I dropped it off here at 10am this morning and told them I needed it by 4:30pm. NO ne called me, so I showed up at 5:00pm. I see my car sitting in the lot. I walk up and say, “Hey is my car ready?” Th lady doesn’t know. She pages the mechanic, he says it is ready. So I go pay the $135 bucks and get ready to drive off to do the other things I need to do today.

I get in and the door warning light on the dashboard won’t shut off. I open and close all the doors…nothing. I tell them and they say they’ll need another hour to fix it…maybe more. As I sit in the lounge, I can hear the alarm going off in the distance. I get the distinct feeling they have no idea what they’re doing. Glad I’m paying premium prices for this.

Why can’t cars just work? Why do cars I get involved with always try to screw me? I just want to drive you…I’m not going to take nude pics of you and post them on the internet…just work with me!

I’d love to tell you how this story ends, but I only have 12% of my battery left. Gotta post!

To be continued…

**Update #1** After my laptop battery died, the service people told me they didn’t know enough about my alarm system to fix the problem. So they reset it to how it was when they started and refunded my money. While I am annoyed that my car spent seven and a half hours here and was returned to me in the exact condition I brought it in (broken)…I was impressed that I didn’t have to ask for my money back. Truly classy move, Toyota of Sunnyvale.

**Update #2** So I went to the other repair place today. In about a half hour they disabled my alarm and sent me on my way. Didn’t even charge me! So this story has a happy ending after all. Thank you, Capital Toyota of San Jose…now my annoying downstairs neighbors can’t complain about my wife’s alarm going off anymore….and hopefully that means I’ll never have to talk to them again.

Back to “Blog Harder” Main Blog

I joined Yelp today! I had no desire to do this, but one experience changed my mind.

I went to Midas to get my oil changed. The dude who was getting my info was awful chatty. (A trait I loathe in customer service people. Are you trying to be my BFF? Just write my mileage down quickly so I can go on with my day)

Finally he pulled up my info on the computer (a step that would have saved a long time had he started with it) he found out I’ve been there before. He said, “Why don’t you review us on Yelp? YOU could tell everybody about the great service you got here and how helpful the guy was at the front counter.”

Well, douche bag, ask and ye shall receive…

So the guy who checked me in when I dropped off my car asked “Why don’t you review us on Yelp?’ …be careful what you wish for.

So first he makes a joke about how I might be doing cocaine since my sinuses are stuffed up. Then a joke about how I have “sex hair.” (Sorry, I don’t get all dressed up to get my oil changed) Then he tells me that they are a little backed up so I can leave my car and it will be ready in 2 hours or I can come back in an hour where I’ll only have to wait an hour (what a great set of choices, right?)

I opt to leave my car and wait. 2 and half hours go by and I get no call. I go back and I’m informed that they “got a little behind” haven’t even started my car yet. So I ask for my key back, because oddly enough I have things to do. Dude says, “Would you like to make an appointment to come back?’ Oh yeah, bro! I’m going to run right back to the place that has crappy service. His reaction to this loss of business was to return to a conversation with a co-worker who was reclining in the office (visible to the lobby). I think I know why you guys got “backed up,” your employees are slacking off and ignoring the customers.

There’s your yelp review…thanks for reminding me!

I feel better!

Back to “Blog Harder” Main Blog

Really? You feeling good about this ad, guys? Running a special on DUI’s on Cinco De Mayo? REALLY? YOU HAD to include the sun with the mustache and the sombrero?

Little tip from me to you…don’t do any advertising near, Kwanzaa or Ramadan.

I’m very sorry, but this is what I come back with: I found an easy way to spot dick.

There it is:

I spotted it!

It was in the “Ethnic Foods” section at my supermarket! I guess the Brits are “ethnic” if you’re a Southerner. Then again, I was surprised as hell the first time I saw “Mexican” food (salsa and refried beans) in an “ethnic” section, too.

At any rate, now you know where dick can be spotted at any time during normal business hours. You’re welcome.

During non-business hours, Chatroulette is still your best bet.

This week, Noah and And talk about the release of the iPad, Tim plans a trip to Walt Disney World, Andy’s has anniversary plans, Noah and Tim love I Love Movies, and the boys close it out with a classic style 15 minute wrap up.

[CONTENT WARNING] TANcast features mature language and immature hosts but is NOT a representation of the stand up act of Tim Babb. Listener discretion is advised.

Get official TANcast T-shirts, mugs, hats and more in the official TANstore: http://www.cafepress.com/tancast

This week’s Tanlaughs were sent in by Jo, Joe Anthrax and Mike.
Send your jokes and/or e-mails to all of us at:
fucktards(at)TANcast.com or YourMom(at)TANcast.com

Vote for TANcast at Podcast Alley:
http://podcastalley.com/one_vote2.php?pod_id=67598

***SHOW LINKS***
(download the podcast at the bottom of these links)

Noah’s leaving the show?!
http://tancast.com/2010/04/01/a-letter-from-the-n-in-tancast/

KFC Sandwich (It’s real!)
http://consumerist.com/2010/04/kfcs-bacon-sandwich-on-fried-chicken-bread-kills-people-everywhere-on-april-12.html

100% Kosher Beef Boxer shorts and Boxer Briefs
http://www.cafepress.com/TANcast.425152110
http://www.cafepress.com/TANcast.432734143

Alyssa’s blog about blogging every day in April
http://thunkedandbefuddled.wordpress.com/2010/04/01/happy-april/

Mr. T’s WoW commercial (Elf Mohawk)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZV0DtmxYFuE

Sarah Palin photo with “3 invisible dicks” caption
http://tancast.com/2010/04/02/im-sorry/

I was getting my wife’s car smog checked today (Aw yeah) and I was listening to TANcast’s new nemesis the Now Playing Podcast in the unused garage/waiting room. Then two old ladies drive up and ask me something (I couldn’t here over Arnie mocking Friday the 13th Part 3). Since the way the garage/waiting room was set up made it look like I was a grease monkey on a break, I pull off my ear buds and say, “I’m sorry. I don’t work here.”

Then the lady asks me where a certain hospital is. I had heard of it but didn’t know where it was. I asked her for the address and she gives me the directions from her house. (As we were not at her house, this was decidedly unhelpful). So she tells me a street name that I know but I’m not sure where it is in relation to where we were so I say, “I don’t know.”

For some reason, people can not deal with that as an answer. She tries to re ask the question a few times…adding no new information and I still don’t know. Then she asks if there’s someone I can ask. I tell her again, “I don’t work here. I don’t know these people.”

Again, that’s not good enough. So she keeps at me until a guy who works there happens to walk by and I ask him. He goes back and forth with the lady in broken English and eventually she’s on her way (probably to get lost and become someone else’s problem)

So here’s where I’m torn…am I a douche for not being more concerned with helping a fellow citizen? Especially an elderly lady who was taking her elderly lady friend to the doctor? I feel bad, but I honestly didn’t know. Maybe I should have felt more compelled to figure something out to get these ladies help.

On the other hand…I was just sitting there minding my own business. I didn’t offer my help and I didn’t ask to get involved…why is it fair that just because she happened to run into me it has to be MY responsibility?! Why is the onus dumped on me? Fuck you, old lady! I don’t know, ask somebody else. I don’t want to do your leg work just because you’re too old to read those directions.

…yup. I’m a dick.

So it’s no surprise that when I was giving my address out to get something shipped to me, I gave the wrong address. Not the COMPLETELY wrong address, I just hit the wrong number for my apartment so that my package got shipped to my neighbor’s apartment. Fortunately I figured this out after the package didn’t come for a few days. So I left my neighbors a note thinking I would never hear back and the package was lost forever.

Much to my surprise, my neighbor just came by, gave me the package (unopened or even tampered with, I must add), and was super, super nice about it. Not once did she say, “Hey idiot! Don’t send shit to our place!” …not even ONCE!

So thank you neighbor. In a world of douches you are the anti-douche…and you might just save us all!

Sometimes when you’re doing comedy, and everything is going right it feels like pure magic! The other night was not one of those times. It was one of those nights where the crowd was really thin, no one was really getting laughs, and the show seemed to be dragging on.

Then this one guy got up and started complaining about the room and and about the situation. Look buddy, we know it sucks. We don’t need you to remind us and make us feel like it’s our fault. Just do your jokes and get off stage so this train wreck can be over. Unfortunately the douchebag on stage couldn’t hear me say any of this…because it was me.

I don’t know why I became the thing I hate but it wasn’t even very fulfilling. It didn’t feel good while I was doing it and I didn’t feel good during or after. I felt like I was being an ass and then I felt bad for being an ass.

So I guess my message is: don’t become the thing you hate…it’s not worth it.

From Tim: Wanna do the top 5 tv themes tonite?

Noah agreed right away, but then Andy sent this…

From Andy: ?? Like Top 5 Theme Songs?

I thought for a minute there must be a typo in my original text so I went back and looked. Other than my shorthand spelling of tonight, the text did indeed communicate the message I had intended. So I offered up the only reply I could…

From Tim: Um…yes

So I get back this…

From Andy: I’m on Sudafed and low sleep and (I’m) at work. I wasn’t sure I recalled what we’d talked about.

Ok this is a perfectly good excuse if I had texted him, “Wanna do that thing we talked about on the show last week?” THAT question is super vague and needs clarification. But does “top 5 tv themes” really have ANY other meaning? What else could a tv theme be? Type in “tv theme” into Google and all you get is references to songs…

But Andy’s brain doesn’t work like Google…

Now I turn it over to you, the reader…what do YOU think Andy thought I could have meant besides tv theme songs?

On this, the Twelfth Day of (Actual) Christmas (a.k.a. Epiphany), I’ll record for the ages what I took:

On the Twelfth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady a Snickers bar left over from Halloween.

On the Eleventh Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady two unmatched socks and a Snickers bar left over from Halloween.

On the Tenth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady three hairs from her brush, two unmatched socks, etc.

On the Ninth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady four pairs of chones, three hairs from her brush, etc., etc.

On the Eighth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady five Kellogg’s Corn Pops, four pairs of chones, etc., etc., etc.

On the Seventh Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady six hours of her life, five Kellogg’s Corn Pops, etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the Sixth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady seven AA batteries, six hours of her life, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the Fifth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady eight chocolate sprinkles, seven AA batteries, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the Fourth Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady nine Belated Christmas cards, eight chocolate sprinkles, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the Third Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady ten toenail clippings, nine Belated Christmas cards, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the Second Day of Reverse-Christmas I took from my old lady eleven blank CDs, ten toenail clippings, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

On the First Day of Reverse-Christmas (a.k.a.: Christmas) I took from my old lady twelve anatomically correct gingerbread men, eleven blank CDs, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

I now have a metaphorical ton of AA batteries, which is not to be confused with a metric ton(ne). I plan to use them to power the robot I made from the rest of that shit. I’m also keeping the 42 hours of her life, since I may need it in 20-30 years.

Only 342(-ish?) days left to decide what you will steal from your true love next Reverse-Christmas, so you best get cracking!

Feel free to use the comments to exchange Reverse-Christmas plans, recipes (they should involve picking food apart), etc.

So thank you to all of you who’ve told a friend to listen and thank you to all of you who are someone’s friend and decided to listen.

…and also thank you to Disneyland for bringing back Captain EO in February of next year WOOO HOOOO!!!!

So much to be thankful for…where’s Thanksgiving when you need it?

Then you take it home and put it in the freezer for a week and six days.

When you take it out and it thaws, does it still expire the next day or did you buy yourself an extra 13 days with your milk?

That’s just not fair. Jessica Rabbit has humongous boobs!

Snow White has…well…she has a great personality!

I just can’t imagine why they made these two room mates. This has got to be killing Snow’s self esteem. She’s going to snap and kill Jessica in her sleep and then stuff her ginormous toon globes down the front of her dress like some weird, animated version of Buffalo Bill!

And it’s not like they’re even being subtle about it…

It’s just adding insult to injury to put “bust” under Snow White’s picture. Hang in there, Snow. Breasts aren’t everything. Don’t let Jessica’s Toon-a-licious rack intimidate you. You do your own thing, girlfriend!

You might not be able to see why I’m posting this blog…lets zoom in a little.

Um…for those of you who don’t live around here, Portland is about 1,000 miles away from Knott’s Berry Farm.

“Hey honey, as long as we’re here in Portland, we might as well drive 15 hours to see Knott’s Berry Farm.”

I have recently gone to the theater to see “Michael Jackson’s This Is It.” It was a great movie. Not in the way that Casablanca was a great movie, but in the way that it was a chance to spend a final 2 hours with MJ watching him do what he did best: sing and dance.

I don’t think there’s another artist alive or dead that I would sit down and watch almost 2 hours of them. Not to take anything away from the Beatles or Elvis or Sinatra, but after a couple songs, I’m full. But this movie could have gone on longer and I would have still been on board.

What’s great is it doesn’t try to be super over emotional/sentimental like “he’s dead and you should be sad.” It just shows the footage of him going through the songs that you loved. Seeing him tweaking things and planning. I thought it was very interesting and also a chance to watch him perform one last time.

It is a shame that the This Is It tour will never happen. He/they put a lot into that show. It’s not like he was just gonna put on his glove and fedora and moonwalk for a few songs and collect a check…he was putting on A SHOW!!! Cirque du MJ, if you will.

And that leads me to my “Tough Decision.” Last year it was rumored that the reason the Las Vegas Hilton removed the Star Trek Experience was to make room for a Michal Jackson stage. At the time, I was quite irritated about this (as long time listeners of the show are probably already aware).

But as I sat there and watched the fantastic things that they were creating to augment the talent of Michael, I am forced to reconcile whether it was a worthy replacement to the Star Trek Experience. I would have loved to have seen that show. It MIGHT have been worth giving up The Experience to see.

…sadly. Now I get neither.

I was shopping at the mall today and found some jeans built just how I likes my mens:

Loose and Straight

That’s right. I likes my mens made by Levi’s and on sale for half off. Big whoop! Wanna fight about it?

I had a stupid idea, but what the hell, TANcast is a stupid place. Maybe it’s even unique. I certainly haven’t found it documented anywhere yet, despite my attempts to find any mention.

At any rate, if I thunk it up I get to name it and until I hear otherwise I’m calling it Brainf*ck Chess. It’s pronounced “Brainfuck Chess”, but I’m spelling it with an asterisk so people can print the name in semi-polite company.

The rules are as simple as they are (currently) poorly defined: This is standard chess, but the players switch sides. The colors still act in turn throughout the match, so the same person makes the move prior to and the move after each change of side.

I haven’t made up my mind how often this happens, and I suspect that I (or someone a lot better at chess) would need to play some actual games before making an informed decision on how this variant would work best. I’ve kicked around having white and black trade places after every fourth move (two per side), every tenth move (five per side), or every capture.

The first option seems like it might be too spastic, since players would make a lot of back-to-back moves. Any sort of “scheduled trade” rule allows the bookending player to, say, make a purposefully bad play as white and then immediately take advantage of it as black. The more frequent the swaps the more you’d presumably see this exploited.

The “swap on capture” idea has an interesting logic to it, but leads to the possibility of one player repeatedly capturing pieces of alternating color, thus monopolizing play. I’m not convinced this is a bad thing.

Checkmate still wins, stalemates are still draws, and all other normal rules apply.

Now I just need to figure out which makes the more compelling game. The last full chess match I played was years ago and I was drunk at the time, so don’t hold your breath.

I exist in some netherworld where most fellow non-players assume I’ll kick their asses and thus don’t want to play me, while I’m not too keen on getting my ass kicked by regular players. I think it just feels like I’d be trading in bits of my overinflated ego for a skill I don’t need.

I just don’t run in chessy circles…

I have been working a 5PM to 1AM shift at work as a temporary measure. Only 2 people in a 20,000 square foot building so it can get a bit quiet . Found your podcast on podcast alley and have been downloading it ever since. The job involves testing large amounts of PC boards and can get repetative, so listening to you guys helps keep me awake . Some of your twisted humor and comments just gets me to laughting out loud, but nobody is there to hear me. Since I started night shift, I have started to fart a lot more at work. ( due to diffrences in diet and just becasue I can) Now I can feel free to walk down the halls just tooting away whenever I feel the need. If you are able to really let one go without any holding back they really can have nice tones and echo a long way in an empty building. Guess when I have to go back to day shift my newfound farting freedoms will have to be curtailed a bit. That and the barking noises I make when I am letting my coworker know that its breaktime. Well…bye for now”

I don’t know which of you went to Podcast Alley and left this comment, but it (and you) ROCK!!!

Long ago, when the halls of MySpace were filled with people, I wrote a pair of blogs about some complain letters that I wrote to my corporate nemesis Mervyn’s. I found them and shall reproduce them for you now. Not only do I not follow the advice given by Grammar Girl, I also break all kinds of grammar rules to boot (which I’m sure comes as no surprise if you’ve ever read my blogs before).

So here is the first letter I wrote to Mervyn’s:

Dear fuckholes,

There has been a serious error regarding my account. I have only made one purchase on this account which I paid off less than a month later.

I recently received a notice from a collection agency saying I owe $247.14. The first and most obvious problem is that I should not have a balance to pay off on this account. As mentioned above, I paid the full balance of this card off within a month of my initial and only purchase.

The second problem is that it was sent to the wrong address. When I opened the account, my address was 6064 *street*. And I know this address was successfully conveyed when I opened the account because I received my credit card in the mail shortly after opening the account. However the address the collection notice was sent to was 6664 *street*. This leads me to believe that an error on your end resulted in notices being sent to the wrong address for over a year while what ever this charge is you seem to believe I owe drew more and more interest.

The third and most aggravating problem…and the reason I only made one purchase with the card… is that I was charged for the same items twice. When I signed up for the card, I was told that new card holders got an extra 10% off. However, when they rang me up, they neglected to give me that additional 10% off. So they re-rang up my items only to find out they could void out the first transaction. So I was charged for the same purchase twice (once at 10% off). After about 15 minutes of the store staff trying in vain to void the error, I was told by the manager that it would be taken care of at the corporate end and that I wouldn’t need to worry about it. Needless to say, when I got my bill it was NOT taken care of. When I called the Mervyn’s people, I got the run around for so long that I finally decided it was less hassle to just pay for my items twice and be done with the experience.

But THIS is going too far! I will not have money stolen from me again by this company. Please review whatever records you need to and credit my account…and then CLOSE IT. I assure you I will not have need of a Mervyn’s Credit Card ever again. Honestly man, I know your shitty clothes don’t attract a lot of business, but do you really have to resort to phantom charges to meet each month’s payroll? You are all a bunch of shit eating duchebags!

Suck my fat cock,
-Tim

PS-Please contact me immediately to let me know this matter has been resolved or I will take a dump on the counter in every one of your shitty stores!

Yeah…seems pretty straight forward., I can’t imagine anybody having a problem with that letter. Then, a few weeks later, I got the following letter FROM Mervyn’s:

Dear TIMOTHY:

Thank you for your recent inquiry regarding the above referenced account. An itemized history of your account is enclosed. The referenced account is reporting correctly.

And now, as a bonus, you can either watch the video to hear the final letter or scroll down and read it for yourself…or do both! The world is your oyster on this blog!

And now my reply letter:

Dear Ass hats,

Lick my nuts,
Tim Babb
Highly Dissatisfied Customer

Well I am sure I have just made Grammar Girl curse California’s educational system (unless she reads my blogs, in which case she’s been cursing it every day in September), but hopefully I gave some laughs along the way.

Oh…and if anyone from the former Mervyn’s corporate office is reading this, die in a fire! Toodles!

Every so often my mind goes on weird, random tangents when I drive at night. Tonight as I drove to pick up my wife from the airport I thought, “I wonder what people on other planets are doing right now.”

I am, of course, taking it as a given that there are other planets with life on them out there somewhere. But, I am not talking about what their scientists are doing. I’m sure they’re sending out probes and satellites trying to find intelligent life and having just about as much luck as we are. What I’m wondering about is Joe Blow alien. What’s he doing right now?

Probably just normal things like we are. There’s probably some alien yelling at his kids right now because they won’t stop fighting. Isn’t that a weird thought? Some alien dad yelling at his kids…right as you read this. We don’t look the same, communicate in the same way, or even observe time in the same manner…but those kids are getting a talking to from G’nok that they won’t soon forget.

And an alien is probably taking a shit right now. Doesn’t that blow your mind? He’s not working on the Death Star, or adjusting the stargate, he’s taking a fat dump. Right now! He’s pinching of a mighty alien loaf while you’re sitting here reading this blog. With so many planets in the universe, it’s almost impossible that somebody on another planet ISN’T shitting right now. What if it doesn’t come out of his butt? What if he shoots it out of his fingers? Like when a douche back greets you by doing that fake gun thing with his hands…except a turn shoots out. And so they have to wear gloves all the time to cover their private parts. Somewhere zillions of light years away, some alien is finger pooping and there isn’t anything you can do about it. You won’t ever get to see it.

…I don’t encourage drug use (I don’t discourage it either…it’s not for me, but you do what you want. I’m not your father) however…I believe you should probably read this blog to your friend when he’s high. I am fairly sure an amusing freak out will result from it.

So I’m at Panda Express earlier behind a shit ton of people. One of them is a family of 5; a dad, a mom, a baby boy, a girl toddler, and a boy toddler.

While mom and dad are busy blathering to each other (dad’s holding the baby) the two toddlers set about climbing on the tables. Dad glances over to see them doing this and says, “get down.” However, he doesn’t say it in the sort of big, gruff, “dad means business” sorta tone. He says it as though he’s asking the kids to pass the salt. He then follows up by returning to his conversation with mom.

Well toddler girl climbs a little higher on the table…before losing her balance and falling chin first on the table next to it. She begins to cry. At this point mom and dad spring into action right? WRONG. The kid walks around crying and bleeding for a good minute before the Black family seated near the kids called the parents attention to the fact that the little girl had hurt herself. (oh, yes…the BLACK family had well behaved kids…deal with that you stereotyping fucks!)

Well now mom is takes the crying little girl to the bathroom. Now you would think that at THIS point either mom, dad, or both would make sure the toddler boy stopped climbing on the same tables…f you did think that, you would be wrong. Dad turned around and started deciding whether he wanted the orange chicken or the sweetfire chicken, which was WAY more important than monitoring his son.

You would expect that this story would end with the toddle boy falling and hurting himself as well…but it doesn’t. Which is almost worse. It’s great that the little boy didn’t hurt himself, but those parents clearly learned no lesson. They will continue to ignore their kids while thinking about their dining options. And even if none of the kids hurt themselves, can you please teach your children that it’s not okay to climb all over the table I’m about to eat on?! Sheesh!!!

I don’t think I’m going to listen to anymore San Francisco based comedians who come to Los Angeles and complain about the traffic. I was driving to Sonoma State University yesterday and I took a wrong turn and had to cross both the Bay Bridge and the Golden Gate Bridge…yipes! Just yipes!!! Give me the 405 any day over that mess. It was stopped still, people were douches who didn’t know how to merge, and to top it off I had to pay a toll just for the privilege of sitting in all this shitty traffic.

On a side note: why are there no happy toll booth operators? I have never seen a tool booth operator smile. What happens in that booth all day? Are other drivers just screaming insults as they go by?

“Here’s your $4…ROT IN HELL!!!”

I mean you sit in a booth all day. It’s not like you have to run around and do a lot. Someone hands you a 5 dollar bill you hand them back a 1 dollar bill…someone hands you a 20 dollar bill you hand them back a 1, a 5, and a 10! Is this really THAT miserable that you can’t smile at me when I say “hello?” The kids who work at the Disneyland parking lot seem to have it down and they have to deal with way more questions. No one ever asks the guy on the Bay Bridge what time California Adventure closes or when the fireworks are. Buck up toll boothers!

Do you know who that is? No...not Minnie Mouse, smarty pants, the guy sitting with her. That's Roy Disney. You don't hear his name a lot, but his is quite an amazing story that I will not come close to doing justice to in the next few paragraphs...

As I mentioned in previous blogs, I was at the D23 Expo today. While I did not hear any news about Captain EO (grrrrrrr) I did get to listen to Roy P. Disney speak. He's the grandson of Walt's brother, Roy O. Disney (the statue in the picture).

He told stories of his memories of Walt, his experiences in the parks, and his time working for the Disney company. But what I was most struck by is the thing that seems to fly under the radar. The Walt Disney company wouldn't be where it is were it not for Roy. Sure Walt had the vision and the creative genius...but Roy made that happen. Roy was Walt's partner (and apparently it used to be called the "Disney Brother's Studios" until Walt decided to change it one day...ouch) he was the one who had to figure out how to pay for Walt's wild ideas. He was the Scott Mosier to Walt's Kevin Smith...only less donkey shows.

Also the company was constantly on the verge of bankruptcy until Disneyland opened. To give you some idea, Mickey first showed up in 1928...Disneyland opened in 1955. That is a long and stressful time to be "Teetering on Disaster" (to borrow a phrase from Michaela Renee.) No one else but Roy would have stood by Walt through this. If he hadn't, there would never have been a Disneyland and most of you reading this would have never heard of me. (see how I bring it all back to myself?)

Wait...I'm not done! Walt Disney World had not yet begun being built when Walt died. So Roy CAME OUT OF RETIREMENT to build the park for his brother. He had retired. He was done. He was in his 70's. He'd spent half his life being on the edge of financial ruin. The man had earned a rest...but no! He came back, got the park built and opened, and sadly died shortly thereafter.

While it's true that Roy shunned the limelight and didn't want to be the public figure Walt was, I would like to see the Disney company throw a little more love Roy's way. The Disney Company is as much his life's work as it is Walt's.

You go, Roy!

***WARNING*** This blog rambles on quite a bit and doesn’t really have a “point”

I posted a new Kingdom Comedy on my YouTube today. To coincide with the celebration going on today for the Haunted Mansion’s 40th anniversary.

(I feel a bit foolish that I missed the obvious opportunity to say that perhaps MJ could be the bride’s new hubby…since he, himself could be a ghost now)

People often ask me if I get strange looks when recording my videos…I very much do. You put on your wife’s jacked and dance around in a near empty parking lot at midnight, you’re going to raise a few eyebrows. (Security was rolling up just as I left..I bet the were sent to kick out the crazy guy who kept re-enacting Michael Jackson’s Thriller video over and over again.) I was actually pretty nervous driving to the parking garage where I filmed the dancing. It brought back memories of the good ol’ days when I would borrow my dad’s camcorder and run all over making silly films (in paces I wasn’t necessarily supposed to be). It’s always nerve racking until you finish, then it’s like, “Yes!!! I did it! I win! I got the shots before i got kicked out/yelled at!”

I’m always amazed at what I can get away with. I just had this idea blow into my head while I was watching clips of Thurl Ravenscroft clips on YouTube and viola…3 days later anyone in the world who wants to can watch it. At this point more than 200 people have seen this one and it only went up a few hours ago.

Well I’m headed to the D23 Expo in a few days…I’m hoping to make some videos there too….I’m also hoping I don’t get kicked out.

My wife just got a Macbook that she uses for all her important school stuff. She would like to do some work from home on it…which includes getting on the internet. But for some reason every time we try and log her machine on to our wireless network, not only does it not work but the entire network crashes. I have to reboot the modem and the router after every attempt.

Basically what I’m saying is, her Mac sucks so much it’s ruining the internet for my two PC’s who know how to play nice on the network.

But Macs are the easy, user friendly computer, right? So I try their “help” feature…nothing. Their trouble shooting techniques…no love. I try to look for help on the internet (after I re-boot the fuckin’ router and modem again)…a sea of unhelpful bullshit. I am getting ready to cal Justin Long at home and tell him he better get his Mac hocking ass over here and help me figure this shit out.

“Hey…stop with your silly jibber jabber and get this piece of shit to work!”

While it’s safe to say I will not be switching to Mac in the near future, I’m still very pissed that my wife can’t even get on line with her own computer in her own home. Fuck Mac! Fuck Mac right in the bite in it’s apple!

It was hard to take this picture with tears in my eyes

I talked about my trip (and was mocked for it) on TANcast Episode 11 and there is some video of it on an episode of Tim Babb’s Kingdom Comedy called “Save Star Trek-The Experience”.

But today as I discovered the ride ticket from that faithful day it made me nostalgic..and also pissed off! There was talk of the Experience re-opening in Downtown Las Vegas in time for the new movie…obviously that has come and gone. Then it was supposed re-open “in phases” with the public first being allowed in sometime in 2010. However, folks in Vegas report that there is no work being done on it! C’mon people! Star Trek was the 5th highest grossing movie this year! The Vegas Star Trek Convention begins in 2 days! What are you waiting for? It only took one movie to bring Spock back to life…and that was a whole dead person. This is just moving some sets across town!

Some of us are eager to return to the Enterprise and go on one more mission with Geordi LaForge to save Captain Picard’s ancestor (which might be me….shhhh don’t tell) Some of us are excited about another encounter with the Borg and the Voyager crew…ok…truth be told, there is not much exciting about the Voyager crew.

But in a year where Star Trek has returned to the limelight in a big, bad way, NOT capitalizing on this opportunity is like not raising the shields upon failure of communication…and I think we know how THAT turned out (C’mon Kirk, General Order 12 is there for a REASON).

“This is your fault…and I know that’s a toupee! Kiss my logical ass!”

But now what are we supposed to do? Sure can go to this site and check out the virtual 360 tour of some of the sets but it’s not the same! It’s like the Hilton revoked our passport to Geektown and no one is willing to give it back!

I’ve had a taste of the good stuff…you can’t expect me to settle for going to a convention and listening to Walter Koenig talk bout how he always knew the show would be a huge hit. I’ve walked the hallowed halls of the Enterprise D! I’ve been face to face with Commander Riker on the bridge’s view screen! Now you want me to go back to life like it all never happened! No! I say! Fuck you! I know it ‘s a rough economy, but someone somewhere has the money to make this happen and right now you are at a point to get the best return on your investment! So stop being a p’tak and get your asses in gear! Until they have actual transports to the planet Risa, this is the best chance on Earth for some solid Trek entertainment!

I have a feeling we’re going to have an agenda of politics…so you can listen in to me embarrassing myself live by not knowing what we’re talking about! Woo hoo!!!

And watch the videos below ahead of time so you know what we’re blathering about:

Listen to this crap…

She say’s her love for me would never die
But that’d change if she ever found out about you and I

Um YEAH, ass hat! What a brilliant deduction. You’re lady wouldn’t be happy to find out you’re cheating on her. In other “No Shit, Sherlock News,” bad acne can lead to pock marks….oh…I guess you learned that one the hard way didn’t you?

oh – but her love is cold
It wouldn’t hurt her if she didn’t know cause…
When it gets to much – I need to feel your touch

“Her love is cold?” BS! You just want some “strange,” you’re a pig! Don’t blame her love for you thinking with your little head! “When it get’s too much?” When WHAT gets too much? Having a loving woman by your side? Yeah what a pain that can be! Always being supportive and all that bull shit.

…you disgust me, you Canadian bastard!

I’m gonna run to you
I’m gonna run to you
cause when the feelin’s right I’m gonna run all night
I’m gonna run to you

What a charmer. He invites his mistress to make love the same way I say that I’m going to Burger King for lunch. “I’m gonna run to Burger King…but I’m not gonna have sex with my Whopper.” (Well, technically EVERY time I have sex it’s with “my Whopper,” if you know what I’m sayin’…and I think you do)

She’s gotta heart if gold she’d never let me down
But you’re the one that turns me on
You keep me comin’ round

You’re not even cheating on a awful woman?! How do you live with yourself?! I mean, cheating is never the way to go, but if you’re gonna cheat, don’t cheat on a woman who “never lets you down!” At least Montell Jordan and his woman weren’t in love.

I know her love is true
But it’s so damn easy makin’ love to you
I got my mind made up – I need to feel your touch

…it’s easy? That’s it? That’s your big play…because it’s easy?! Now you’re insulting both women at once! “My wife’s a great lady and your a cheap slut…let’s fuck!”

The rest of the song is just Bryan caterwauling some variation of “I’m gonna run to you.” I hope he is doing all that running because the woman he is cheating on is chasing him with a car. And I hope she hits him!

If you like hearing Tim piss and moan about unfaithful singers, check out part one of the “Whatchu Singin’ About?” series.

Few people know that Tom Hanks is a true pimp. What’s his secret? He knows how to say just the right thing. Here are the Top 10 Tom Hanks Pick up lines*…

10. You wanna ride my Apollo 13…inches?

9. Let’s go back to my place and do a little Forrest Humping.

8. You know you wanna get up on Angels and Deez-nuts!

7. I’ve seen a lot of nice breasts but yours are in a League of Their Own

6. Get in the car, we’re going on the Road to Insertion

5. Why don’t you let me take your top off so me and your Bosom can become Buddies?

4. It may not be Green, but it’ll feel like a Mile

3. Are you ready for Charlie Wilson’s Wang?

2. Come away with me to a desert Island where I will Blast Away on you all night long!

1. Check your box, ’cause You’ve Got Male

*This is what happens when two comedians (myself and Ed Greer) are ride back from a show and are getting a little loopy late at night.

Matterhorn: The Movie Trailer

New Reality Show Calling Actors!! (los angeles)
Date: 2009-03-24, 11:17AM PDT

A New Reality Show is in pre-production and is calling ALL Talented Actors!!
We are looking for talented actors who have given up on their dreams. We want to know WHY, WHO, WHAT caused you to stop pursuing your passions.

We’re looking for heartfelt, truthful, and out of the ordinary stories.
Please submit one headshot and a brief story (not more than 3 paragraphs)
explaining your circumstances. We’re excited to hear from you!
We have a great crew, set, and team and are starting to cast in the next two weeks!

Look forward to hearing from you….

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/tlg/1089971634.html

So basically it’s a reality show about how your dream has been crushed by LA?

Have you failed? Are you ready to admit defeat and shuffle off back to middle America? Well before you do, let us showcase your failure on the world stage. Instead of just being a washout to your friends and family, you can be known as a washout by whomever watches our crappy show!

Oh…one thing…you’ll have to compete with other washouts just to get on our show. So it’s possible that you could be failure at being a washout. What’s that taste in your mouth? That’s bitterness…or that gun barrel your eating.

Here is a quick rundown of what I carry around in my bag:

Moleskine Notebook
Gameboy DS
iPhone 8gb (1st gen)
iPod Classic 160gb
Leatherman
Mini Tri-pod
Small Case for Digital Camera
Travel tissue
Ziplock plastic bag
Orbit Gum (I acquired a lot working at Google)
Various charger

Not Pictured:

Canon Powershot SD700IS

As promised in the last TANcast, I have here for your viewing pleasure a funny little video from CollegeHumor about the one kind of porn you can’t find online.  The video is funny, but the real treat is playing a “Where’s Waldo?” -esque game of trying to spot all the porn references the song makes.

Lets call this version “Where’s Dildo?”

Wear your sicko badge (or badger, you twisted freak) with honor and leave a comment on how many you picked out.  I’ll say this much: I think I caught enough that I should be worried.  The Internet is for Porn, as they say, but I may have spent too much time jacked in.

I’ve hidden the video after the break so that you have to click through.  Be forewarned: it is not graphic, but it is suggestive enough to be NSFW.

noah: faggy boy

timbabbcomedian: Hey Noah, its Dynelle. I have a question for you. Tim and I are having a disagreement.

noah: oh goody, i get pulled into the drama

timbabbcomedian: I say that I am a smidge less dorky then Tim and he says that I am every bit as dorky as he is… but that I am hot.

timbabbcomedian: I say that by virtue the hotness makes me less dorky and he disagrees. Thoughts?

timbabbcomedian: so two questions.1. Am I as dorky at Tim? 2. Does hotness save you from total dorkiness?

noah: i say tim is more dorky

noah: attractiveness counteracts dorkiness

timbabbcomedian: YES!!! I knew it
[at this point, Dynelle is doing a victory dance]

noah: it distracts you

timbabbcomedian: Ok this is Tim again

noah: steph says tim too

timbabbcomedian: Just distracting FROM the dorkiness doesn’t take it away

noah: well your dorkiness is about perception

timbabbcomedian: dorkiness is a quantity like money…just because you look like you don’t have money and people treat you like you don’t …if you have the money you have the money…Dynelle has the dorkiness

timbabbcomedian: like smarts

timbabbcomedian: a blonde may not be percieved as smart but she can still act smart

noah: but smarts is also who you are around

noah: it is relative

timbabbcomedian: it is a quantifiable personality trait

timbabbcomedian: (Dynelle disagrees with me on this point)

noah: you can’t quantify it

timbabbcomedian: a test could be developed

noah: there is no dorky scale

noah: and you are bias

noah: about you and Dynelle

timbabbcomedian: just because no one HAS developed a dork scale doesn’t mean one couldn’t be made and then people’s dorkiness tested

timbabbcomedian: (Dynelle says I’m dorking out in front of her…what she doesn’t realize is…I’m just a non-loser)

timbabbcomedian: hidden in a loser’s body

timbabbcomedian: (Dynelle wrote that last line)

timbabbcomedian: Aren’t you glad you were still on line for this?

noah: tim is like dulk

noah: his clothes rip and he dorks out

noah: and starts putting on mickey shirts

timbabbcomedian: LMAO I’m wearing one now

noah: of course you are

noah: that is another thing

noah: Dynelle’s dorkiness is more subtle

noah: you wear your doriness on your mickey mouse t-shirt sleeve

timbabbcomedian: I so want to talk about this on the show tomorrow

noah: ok

timbabbcomedian: I’m going to save this discussion for future reference
noah: lol
noah: umm ok

The following IM conversation happened after the episode was recorded but before it was posted…so if you want to save any of the mystery, don’t read below the line until you’ve heard episode 34.

timbabbcomedian: so I think your point is dorkinessis an opinion rather than a fact?

noah: generally speaking, i mean there are things that most would consider dorky

noah: but not all

timbabbcomedian: so then there is no empirical answer to whether a person is dorky or not?

noah: i would say not really

noah: all depends on who you ask

timbabbcomedian: so then Dynelle isn’t less dorky than me…it’s just your OPINION that she is…thus it is invalid and I win

timbabbcomedian: (not really)

noah: tis true it is only my opinion

noah: you really will not let this go eh?

timbabbcomedian: My argument is that there is a definition of dorky that reasonable people can agree on

timbabbcomedian: I’m editing it now and it’s in my face

noah: ok

That is where the debate came to rest. Thoughts? Opinions?

The Bush-flavored economy finally bested me. My company had a huge (like 1/6 gone) “reduction in force” that included several directors and executives and moved around whole organizational structures. It also cost me and several people I work with (oops: worked with) our jobs.

I’m conflicted. I like the people still there (even the ones who I’m pretty sure picked me to cut) and I want the company to succeed. On the other hand, now I have to go find me a new jobby job.

Ah, well…

As the Bard himself said: Dadada, da, da. Another one bites the dust.

My Chargers were screwed out of at least two wins this season thanks to blown calls, so I think their record is misleading. They had a points-for to points-against differential better than half of the 11-5 and 12-4 teams, including Payton Manning’s Colts.

On the other hand, Indianapolis had the #5 rated passing offense, were the favored winners (by 1 point), and came in on a 9 game winning streak. Oh, and that League MVP thing…

It was a squeaker, with two goal-line/end-zone Chargers turn-overs, back-to-back Colts penalties in overtime that gave San Diego an unexpected first down and then easy field goal position, and other crazy plays and calls throughout. I think I’m just now starting to untie the knots in my stomach, more than three hours after the fact.

For our foreign readers, this post is about American Football. It is awesome.

First, as requested by Luke:

Then yYou can listen to the first new Smodcast in a month: Smodcast 68

You can watch this awesome video that I found thanks to the Distorted View Podcast:

And you can watch my (Tim’s) latest Kingdom Comedy video

Sorry to say we weren’t able to record yet, so this week’s episode will be delayed. Hopefully we will get one out this week, so check back with us in a few days.

Sorry for the delay.
-The “T” in TANcast

There is also something called Boxee, which is currently in Alpha. I am excited about that because it can pull in Hulu, CBS, CNN and some other sources. Now if they could somehow pull in videos from all the networks that offer their TV shows online. That would be the killer app and I may cancel my cable for that. They are currently in Alpha testing and it is invite only, which you can sign up for but their site says it can take a few weeks to get your invite. Currently they only support Mac, Apple TV and Linux but Windows version is suppost to hit this fall.

In case you are curious about my home entertainment setup. I have the Samsung 40″ TOC 1080p tv and that is hooked up to Acer X1200. I actually really like the Acer x1200. It has an HDMI and is pretty cheap at $500. You can check out the specs in the link above. If I were to get it now, then I would get the Acer X3200 with Blue-Ray (I also have an Xbox 360, Slim PS2, Game Cube, Dreamcast, Gameboy DS and an out of comission modded Xbox).

That is how Technology is, soon as you get something, they come out with the new model that has more features for a little bit more or sometimes the same prices and the item you got drops down in pirce. Technology is a cruel mistress.

Happy Halloween! Don’t be scared

(Click the photo to see it full size)

My feelings are mixed…I’m excited by the new look…but also a little disappointed that it’s so different from the classic bridge.

Why make a movie about Star Trek if you just wanna change it all? Make a movie called JJ Abrams’ Wacky Space adventures and leave the legend alone.

I guess I’ll have to wait and see…

http://www.declareyourself.com/

Now get out and register and vote, bitches!!!

It said today’s high would be 81. It’s 8am and it’s already 81! I’m no meteorologist, but I’m pretty sure the days highest temperatures don’t get reached an hour and half after sunrise.
Screw you, weather.com! You suck!

PS-My fan broke last night…it’s friggin’ hot in here!!!

PodCastAwards.com is currently accepting nominations in several different categories. We would be so grateful if those of you who checkout this site could nominate us.

You can only put us in one category. So may I suggest “mature” or “comedy.” The Nominations close on September 30th so please click the banner below and nominate us soon.

Thanks in advance for your support!!!

Noah: TANcast appears to be done
Andy: Done?
Noah: down
Andy: Dude
Andy: That is a big difference

I’m sure you will all agree that “done” sounds pretty damn final.  I thought something had gone horribly wrong with the hosting, or Noah’s wife was going to make him quit, or Tim’s laptop had died, or the government was threatening to shut us down because we talked about Bristol Palin’s boobs, or something equally bad.  Nope.  Noah couldn’t access the site from where he was, but picked the wrong word when telling me.

Once the confusion had passed, I didn’t think anything more of it until we had this conversation today:

Noah: I got my 160gb ipod today
Noah: it is so fun getting a new toy
Andy: Yay
Andy: did you make sweet love?
Noah: oops
Noah: i meant get
Noah: it is on a fed ex truck somewhere
Noah: just waiting to get into my sweet little hands
Andy: Ah
Andy: Dude, you often have conceptual typos
Andy: word spelled right, but wrong word that changes the meaning
Noah: i know
Noah: my hands go faster then my brain
Andy: LOL
Andy: Not me
Andy: my big monkey paws are ponderous…

I think it’s always amusing to see what sort of fun trouble Noah’s brain can cause, so I wanted to share the joy with all of you.

Earlier this week, I posted a video about the closing of Star Trek: The Experience on YouTube, and my idea to keep it alive:

I’ve actually gotten many positive comments about it! Not just on YouTube…but random other forums are spreading it around.

From a Star Trek Forum:
“I weep from the pure brilliance of it.”
“I thought that video was very well put together. This Tim Babb guy has his act together.”

From a Disneyland Forum:
“The Whoopie Goldberg idea is priceless!!!”
“I love this idea! I think it fits in and would really bring a new fresh face to Tomorrowland. I think you’ve got such a great idea Tim!!”

From another Star Trek Forum:
“Brought a tear to my eye…….then I laughed my ass off at ‘HIIIIIILLLTONN!!!!’”

I guess the internet isn’t just filled with hate after all

Wouldn’t it be nice if the rest of life was that easy.

“Hi boss, I took a shower today and cleaned some glasses in our lunch room. How bout a hand job or a raise, your pick.”

So single fellas go shower and carry around plate and a sponge and the ladies will be on you like Tim on Superman.

Is life too full of hard surfaces for your hard-living, adventure-addicted baby?

Does your youngest yearn for the rough and tumble life of a bullfighter, a coal miner, or a crack-addled home invasion robber?

Do you secretly believe that Dale Earnhardt has reincarnated in your child, ushering in the prophesied “1000 Years of Corn Whiskey”?

Then try the X-TREME BABY Helmet, from Playskool!

When life gives you a lemon, toss a helmet on it. It won’t notice.

I’d like to offer my apologies to the obviously caring and protective mother for mocking what is clearly a desire to protect her baby from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and possibly from freak hailstorms.

Apologies also to our readers for the shitty camera-phone photo. It was taken indoors without a flash as I tried to prove to my wife that yes, I am fucked up enough to go get a surreptitious picture of a baby in a helmet to post on TANcast.

Here are the details so that you can see if it appeals to you, by which I mean:

YOU MUST JOIN OR YOUR SOUL WILL ROT AWAY !!!

As you can see from the post title, the religion is called “Jonesology”. We Jonesologists fervently adhere to the teachings of His Highest Holiness, Indiana the Second.

Some refer to our savior as “Henry the Second”, but these blasphemers do not understand the complex emotions of our Lord and how he loathes this appellation.  From the scripture it is clear that the cold, brilliant star that fathered him, Henry the First, is the only being who may call him by this epithet. Indiana the First was a false messiah, extolling the virtues of kibble and chasing rabbits across Utah, and we will not speak of him further.

There are three major scriptures and an apocrypha made up of 4 larger and 28 minor works which tell tales of our Lord in his youth. A fourth, possibly the final, scripture was foretold a generation ago and is finally to be revealed unto the faithful a scant 10 days hence.

This newest testament must be received by true believers wearing the Traditional Kilt. Knee socks are optional, but The Kilt is crucial.  No one is sure why, but we have it on good authority. Before the worship service begins (and buy your tickets early; it is expected to sell well!), a traditional meal of Taco Bell should be consumed to purify the bowels and prepare the heart for a clotting of pure joy.

Intolerance of those wearing The Kilt marks you as a heretic, which is a fate typically reserved for those who think Temple of Doom was the best of the accepted scriptures, and will call down a holy war upon your head.  Be warned, as we Jonesologists battle only with water balloons (in honor of His Holiness’ flexibility under pressure), but fill them with Jell-O (because Jell-O is freaking delicious) instead of water, denying our enemies precious water which they might use to spit upon us.

As a heretic, unfortunately, you will only be worthy of sugar-free grape-flavor Jell-O with banana slices and pear chunks mixed in.  I’m sorry.

If you are branded a heretic, take heart: You probably won’t have trouble avoiding the attacks as they can only take place, like His Holiness’ adventures, during summer break, and kilt-wearers holding purple water balloons and trying to scream the Hymn of John Williams without passing out in the heat are hard to overlook.  We are forbidden to commence attack until the full hymn is sung, or else the Blessed Ford will make “Firewall 2” and the world will eat itself.

On a wholly unrelated topic, our holy wars never seem to turn out how we’d like.  We blame the Quartermainiacs.

In point of fact, the US Census Bureau does not list any practicing Jonesologists in the greater Atlanta metro area (as of 2000), so I may be the only practitioner.  This will probably make the prospects of committing such heresy a little less frightening to you if you live in Georgia, but we can’t have everything, can we.

The last remnants of the ghost of Tim Babb have been removed from Mix 106.5…they cleaned out the fridge in what used to be my office. (Why they waited over half a year after I left to do it is beyond me)

Here’s Vu hosing it down…note the poster on the door…

Apparently Jon McLaughlin does not care for me…well the feeling is mutual dirtbag!

I believe these used to be beans…ewwwwww

Look at all that goodness…wasted…mmmm hmmmm

I made that. Go make your own.

On a totally unrelated subject, if you suspect your girl is an android, you should check for a switch. Stick your finger up her butt and see if it turns her off. If  it does, she’s a fembot and you need to RUN AWAY!

If it turns her ON, she’s a keeper…

Now my karma has a sunburn.

Brain Areas Shut Off During Female Orgasm
COPENHAGEN, Denmark — New research indicates that parts of the brain that govern fear and anxiety are switched off when a woman is having an orgasm.

In the first study to map brain function during orgasm, scientists from the Netherlands also found that as a woman climaxes, an area of the brain that governs emotional control is also heavily deactivated.

“The fact that there is no deactivation in faked orgasms means a basic part of a real orgasm is letting go. Women can imitate orgasm quite well, as we know, but there is nothing really happening in the brain,” said neuroscientist Gert Holstege, presenting his findings Monday at the annual meeting of the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology.

In the study, Holstege and his colleagues at Groningen University recruited 11 men and 13 women, together with their respective partners.

The volunteers laid on a scanning machine bed and were injected with a dye that shows changes in brain function on a scan. For the men, the brain scanner tracked activity during rest, during erection, during manual stimulation by their partner and then during ejaculation, brought on by the partner’s hand.

For the women, the scanner measured brain activity during rest, while they faked an orgasm, during manual stimulation by their partner, and while they experienced genuine orgasm.

Holstege said he had trouble getting reliable results from the study on men because the scanning machine needs activities lasting at least two minutes to record an activity. But the men’s climaxes didn’t last anywhere near that lone, meaning he could not reliably compare the scans before climax and during.

However, for women, the results were clear, he said.

When women faked orgasm, the cortex, the part of the brain governing conscious action, lit up. It was not activated during genuine orgasm.

The most striking results, however, were seen in the parts of the brain that shut down, or deactivated.

“During orgasm, there was strong, enormous deactivation in the brain. During fake orgasm, there was no deactivation of the brain at all. None,” Holstege said. “It looks like to have an orgasm, you need to not be fearful or full of anxiety.”

Men, now you can know for sure how you are doing! Just get a brain scanner, plug her in, and then, um, plug in.

Not that any of you cared…

I wonder how well this study paid its participants. Amateur porn can be quite lucrative (I hear), but then there is the messy situation of your perv co-worker seeing the film. Maybe medical studies are the way to get paid to finger-bang without lasting complications.

Like Jimmy Pop said, I hate poopin’ in public places. The constant noise of others coming and going (pardon the pun) really makes my brown eye squint. I’m always super self-conscious about the rude noises and foul smells coming from my stall and even worry about the “dirt roads” left behind on the bowl when I flush. These low-flow toilets don’t seem to have much in the way of self-cleaning ability, at least not when dealing with my turds.

I can’t stop the people or the noises or the smells, but through a stroke of pure genius I have come up with a way to deal with poo-trail issues. Crap on paper.

Seriously. Crap on paper.

Every single public bathroom stall has a dispenser for those rings of tissue paper. I don’t know what those things are really for other than allowing piss/shit water to wick up to your thighs, but I have come up with a better use for them. Take two or three sheets of ass-gasket from the dispenser and float them on the water in the bowl. When you do the doo, your little torpedoes will land on and sink the floating paper, keeping the tissue layers between your butt mud and the pristine porcelain.

In order to avoid clogging the works and just on the general principal of doing right by those around you, it would be best to do a courtesy flush before you start wiping. When you flush you will send a little wrapped package of feces off to the Bay for the homeless to nourish themselves with, and nary a fleck left behind.

Who doesn’t like a brown-bag lunch, after all?

i b n Ya: Hey, sexy islama-mama. I bet u’v got sum nice burka-biscuts.
Hottimah: LOL. U R 2 much. I M single and horny. Wanna go ‘la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la’ 2gether, u stud?
i b n Ya: U bet ur schweet Allah I do! I’ll show you 7 pillars you won’t forget.

later…

“Sanaa?”
“Bakr!”
“What the fuck? YOU SAID YOU WERE SINGLE! AND ALSO SOMEONE ELSE!”
“Well, you said you were hung like a camel, and we both know THAT isn’t true…”

Ass will be our salvation
Uniting us against a common foe

You see, both the burger and God are delicious, spicy, reasonably priced, and available at a convenient nearby Carl’s Jr. or other fine fast-food establishment.

I call bullshit.

If you don’t believe me, go check out the episode of Penn & Teller’s show (Bullshit) on this exact subject.

Better yet, check out what happened with The Coca-Cola Company and their new “pure” brand of water, Dasani.

First, let me digress and ask: What the fuck is up with these water brand names. “Dasani” sounds like something an Italian dude would ride down narrow streets with his buddy on the back while checking out chicks. “Crystal Geyser” sounds like a porn movie where some girl pees into the air. “Evian”, as Dennis Miller has pointed out, is “naive” spelled backwards.

Back to my point (or lack thereof), Coca-Cola sold this stuff as “pure bottled water”, but it turned out to be ordinary tap water (the Brits’ supply was originally from the Thames). When caught in that deception, they said “well, it is ultra purified by our special super-secret processes” which subsequently turned out to be reverse-osmosis. That would be the same filtration method used by pretty much every home purifier system.

As if that wasn’t enough, they added a few additional steps like pumping ozone through the water to kill bacteria (my dad’s spa does this) and injecting some inert salts like calcium chloride to modify the “taste profile” of the water. This included small amounts of bromide salts which, because some genius decided to add the bromide salts before the ozone, promptly became bromate salts which just happen to be carcinogens. It turns out that Coke had produced “pure” bottled water with an illegal concentration of them.

Oops.

For the non-chemistry geeks, here is an example:

Sodium chloride is pure “table salt” as most people think of it (though table salt also has sodium iodide in it to help people avoid ugly swollen thyroids and usually some potassium chloride). It is reasonably inert stuff.

Sodium chlorate is used in industrial bleaches, herbicides, and explosives.

Bromides and bromates have similar properties to chlorides and chlorates, bromine and chlorine being related elements.

People pay Coca-Cola (and the rest of these asshats) to bottle tap water and sell it for more per gallon than we pay for the nasty black shit we stick in our cars. At least it can give you cancer just as effectively as gasoline does, ’cause there is not much else in that equation that makes sense.

For the going price of bottled water, those bottles better fucking well dance and sing or suck my dick or something…

I have.

I had Taco Bell and pepperoni pizza from Round Table on back-to-back nights about a week and a half ago and I was blowing the sort of ass that was outlawed in the fourth Geneva Convention in 1949.

Fat Bastard said “We all love our own brand, don’t we?”, but I have discovered the exception to this rule.

It takes a potent combination of fuels and a reacting chamber as prolific as my colon, but I have incontrovertible proof that it is possible to not only offend one’s own self but in fact to actually make oneself sick.

These were not pre-dump gas, either; not the kind of farts that have to elbow their way up to the front of the line past whatever you ate yesterday before they can escape. These were not turds honking for the right-of-way on Route 86. These were the purest essence of the blackest evil, baked in Hell itself then vaporized for rapid dispersal. Like some twisted version of Athena they sprung fully formed from my nethers, girded for battle.

Somewhere between thinking “Wow, that was a loud one” and waking up on the floor of my shower with the taste of a hundred homeless people dancing on my tongue I realized that my ass had declared war on me.

What followed was a day full of uncomfortable shifting as I tried to avoid dragging my officemate into the conflict, interspersed with trips outside to “stretch my legs” and participate in the wholesale slaughter of local fauna. Texas sent over a proposal in the afternoon regarding joining their penal system, but I had to graciously decline as I am opposed to any form of state execution that involves inflicting pain and physical suffering. By that evening the local news was reporting that the day had unexpectedly been declared a “Spare the Air Day” and was advising citizens not to breathe. That night I dreamed of working in an exploding manure plant populated by African bullfrogs and Barry White.

I have since struck back. I am reading “The Art of Ass War” by the Chinese philosopher Shi Tzu for inspiration, but it is actually Napoleon’s penchant for fighting war on multiple fronts that has directed my action. A steady diet of high fiber foods has denied my booty the chance to reload and re-supply while in the meantime I have switched from Charmin Ultra to 80-grit sandpaper. I have also made it clear to my anus that I am willing to get sent to prison if the battle escalates further, so things have subsided into a sort of cold war and talks are ongoing. Right now my kidneys are skirmishing with my prostate, but really this is just a regional conflict-by-proxy as my bowels and I jockey for influence.

Pray for peace.