Your profile matches three criteria for the following role: JENNY CRAIG WOMAN

Gender: Match

Portrayable Ethnicity: Match

Portrayable Age Range: Match

Description:
SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT WOMAN (NO MORE THAN 20 LBS.) PRETTY, FRIENDLY, AND PERSONABLE…THERE IS DIALOGUE.
WE ARE GOING FOR A SEX IN THE CITY VIBE

So apparently I fit the type for a slightly overweight, sex-in-the city-esque woman. Yeah that makes sense. It’s nice to know that if this casting website ever ran across a call for a skinny, Mulatto dude to tell jokes that it wasn’t sent to me. Because apparently when casting agents look at this…

They see this…

So my audition is Tuesday at 3pm…wish me luck! (Hope there’s no casting couch)

This isn’t any “inside scoop” or anything, folks. Just me using some screen shots and Photoshop to turn lemons into lemonade!

Drink up, baby!

Hey guys. I’m in a contest to win a spot on KTLA tv (in LA) as well as a chance to perform at the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club (plus a fat load of bragging rights)

So please vote for me by going here: http://tinyurl.com/TimBabbKTLA I believe you can vote once a day through May 14th. Please vote and forward this link to your friends. You also get to watch a 2 minute video of my comedy so at least you get a little something out of the deal, right?

Any way…thank you in advance for your vote http://tinyurl.com/TimBabbKTLA.

Having fun in “Sin City.” Talk to you soon.

I told Tim and Andy last week, and we’ve been talking about “What Happens Next” since then. They both agreed I should be the one to break the news.

The site won’t move and the show won’t change it’s name. I will still be the “N in TANcast” through TANcast 100 (triple-digits!). I will probably do a guest shot every once in a while after that, but from TANcast 101 on it will be Tim and Andy’s show. Andy said he won’t be turning off my access to the site or to email, so I may log in and post something when I have time and something to say.

They are already talking to a few different people about being regular guest hosts and I’m looking forward to listening to it every week.

I’m a little sad, but like the breakup of the TAN House, it had to happen some time.

First off, thanks to everyone who’s been reading my blogs everyday. Special thanks to those of you who’ve been posting your favorites on Facebook, Twitter, etc. Thanks to you folks this little project was a success. Leave a comment as to what your favorite blog(s) were so I can try and expand on those topics in future blogs.

But today is the last day of March so my blogs are going to slow down a bit…because April is chalk full of comedy for me! From Oakland, to Hollywood, to Vegas, to Santa Barbara, to Gilroy, and Morgan Hill…I’ve got a lot of great shows booked every week in the month of April. Check out the posters if you don’t believe me:

See you at the show!!!

So I’m looking for gigs today to try and bring a little money in and I spot one for being an extra…in a porno. …and I’m considering it.

First off, it’s not like I’d be in there humping or even naked. I’d just be a dude in the background. And how many people can honestly say, “Yeah, I was in a porn once.” That’s kind of a cool story, right? Well…I guess it’s s cool story title, once you found out I was just standing in the background it’d be way less cool. But think of the story to be told on TANcast after THAT! I’m sure something funny would have to happen on the set, don’t you think?

The downside would be that I’m pretty sure my wife would not approve of me watching other people having sex live. In fairness, I haven’t asked her yet, but I can’t see that reaction being positive. “Oh yeah, honey, please go hang out with a bunch of sweaty naked people. But first, hold still while I stab you in the neck” Plus this would kill any chance of a future career in politics (as if TANcast hasn’t done that already).

The biggest thing is that’s what you always hear about actor-types who have lost hope…they had to turn to porn.

I don’t really have anything wacky to share this time. Today would have been my dad’s 76th birthday. (He passed away in 2007). I am, of course, sad that he’s gone but I do realize that I’m lucky.

I’m lucky that I didn’t have one of those estranged relationships with my dad. We had great times. He is partly the reason (or partly to blame) for my sense of humor. I know he went to his final resting place knowing that I loved him and I know he loved me. He was always a part of my life. He got to meet my wife before he died.

But on days like today, I can’t help but be a little sad that I can’t call him up or drop by and say hello. So I’m posting this blog about him. I don’t know if it accomplishes anything (Do they have internet access in heaven? If not, is it TRULY heaven?). I just know it makes me feel good in an odd way to miss my dad. Okay…eyes are watering…gotta get back to telling jokes about Disneyland or something.

…oh by the way…If you still can, go call your dad…and your mom.

I blame daylight savings time. I was all set to go and the n BLOOP it was tomorrow. Nothing I could do. I was a victim of a vanishing hour.

…ok in all honesty I was hanging with the wife yesterday and in a contest of wife vs blog, wife wins every time.

I have a completely different reason for hating taxes than most people…tax time is the time I’m forced to confront how little I’m making as a stand up comic. Let me tell you, 2009 was my worst year ever! I made less than half of what I made in 2008.

The good news is that I’m on track to do much better this year than both previous years. So here’s hoping 2010 is where it all turns around for Tim. Otherwise you may see me soon asking you, “Would you like to ‘King Size’ your meal?”* And then tax time will have me wondering if I can deduct ketchup stain removal products.

*Yeah, I said “King Size,” not “Super Size.” If I go fast food, I’m going Burger King, baby. I’m not about to lose ALL my dignity!

Let’s go further and say that there may be a few dozen people on earth who have as much experience knitting yak-hair cozies as I do.

Approximately 99.98% (±0.02%) of the time this has no bearing on my life.

About two weeks ago, I was contacted out of the blue by a recruiter looking for a yak-hair-cozy-knitter. No foolin’.

The job, in many ways, is the opposite of what I’d want: the position is not local, the job is not guaranteed to be permanent, the housing market sucks, and I haven’t dealt with yak hair in a while.

On the flip side, with enough money a lot of those issues get solved. With a fuck-ton of money the rest don’t matter.

The list of what I won’t do for money is pretty much limited to:

1. Risk the life or health of myself or my loved-ones.
2. Behave immorally.

The thing is, I have no idea what people pay for this skill. It doesn’t exactly show up in salary guides. Hell, most people give you a blank stare when you try to explain why someone would want a yak-hair tea cozy.

Compounding this dilemma is the fact that the recruiter is an information gate between me and the people that want the tea cozies, and one that is economically motivated to low-ball me. The more they can get from their client and the less they pay me, the more profit they take in. They want to sell the client a expert who knows yak hair backwards and forwards, but they’ve got good reasons to offer the expert as little as the expert will accept.

Their initial offer would be good money if I wasn’t looking at traveling or relocating my family out of my own pocket. With those caveats, not so much.

It really comes down to Tim’s philosophy as expressed on a past TANcast: if you’re going to give me a million dollars to have your way with me, you pay for my travel.

I think I’m going to ask for a fuck-ton and see what they do.

Some of you may have noticed that the new episode of TANcast is not up yet. You also may have noticed I haven’t blogged yet today. (It is technically after midnight here but not in Hawaii…so I’m counting this blog)

I’ve just been swamped and I’m still getting over my sickness (actually the cough seems worse), so I don’t want to push myself late into another night. I’m gonna go to bed now and hopefully I’ll be feeling better when I awake. Then I’ll finish editing what is turning out to be a truly above average episode…and for TANcast, above average is our “excellent.”

Not to over hype the episode…in fact it’s mediocre at best. You’re better off waiting for it. Maybe you’ll find happiness in the meantime. Ok…off to bed. Night night.

Sorry, this is a short one because I’m sick! I hardly ever get sick and I hate it. Not that anyone LIKES being sick, but it sucks. I have crap I wanna do but I know I’ll make myself worse if I try.

Screw you, cold! Eat NyQuil and die!!!

Okay…TANcast.com has been a little lacking on the blogs in the last few months, well that will change in March! Picking up where I left off in September’s “30 Days and 30 Blogs,” I will be blogging once a day in the month of March. For those of you keeping count, March has 31 days! That’s a whole other level of commitment, baby!
What can you expect during Tim Babb’s March Blog Madness?
-Spelling errors
-Factual inaccuracies
-Bad puns
-Irrelevant subject matter
-a laugh or two (Not a guarantee)

So check back everyday in March and tell your friends to witness the train wreck that is Tim Babb’s inner thoughts.

See why I love Disney? They got your back!

But is THIS truly the way to honor what this great man stood for:

Please don’t out me.

If you know me, you know what sort of jobs I do and you probably understand why I don’t want Google to connect real me to TANcast me in any way, shape, or form. Office environments tend to frown on the sort of loose talk and questionable content we enjoy throwing at passers-by (à la feces) and employers know how to search the Internet.

If you’re a listener/reader who doesn’t know me personally, I’ll elaborate a little.

I like food. I like for my family to have food. I need to earn money to buy said food. TANcast costs me money to keep running (not nearly as much as food costs), so I also need to earn money to make TANcast go. I also like porn, but porn is free with the price of Internet.

Corporate America sucks in a lot of ways. It may not hire you if you say things like “I also like porn” in public, and, rest assured, everything on the Internet is public. I once found topless pictures of someone I knew in High School on the Internet. That was weird.

The way I reconcile being unfiltered on TANcast, thus making TANcast as much fun as it is for you guys (i.e. a little), with maintaining my professional persona is that I keep the two “me”s separate. It’s a thin veneer, more self-delusion than firewall, but it lets me feel okay with doing the shit I do here.

Those who know me personally are now thinking to themselves, “Self, doesn’t Andy curse a lot in real life, too? Doesn’t he say weird shit to coworkers to make them laugh?”

Yes, guilty as charged. But there’s a world of difference between letting the guard down a little among people you work with and being judged by people you might work with. Unless I stay at my current job for the rest of my life (Magic 8-Ball says: “Un-fucking-likely”), that’s going to matter at some point.

I’ve poked fun at this in the past, but it seems like more and more people are trying to connect the dots so I wanted to be sincere for one tiny moment.

I’m not Mysterious Andy because I’m doing a bit or running a scavenger hunt or trying to be a real-life Where’s Waldo.

I’m the monkey because I don’t think I can responsibly be the man.

So again: Please don’t try to find me or link me or friend me or out me. It’s not that I don’t like you guys. I just feel I need to keep this part of my life confined to TANcast and related, pseudonymous accounts.

Y’know, so my family can continue to buy porn.

I mean food.

It is simply this:

I hate black people.

There! I’ve been wanting to say that out loud for a while now.

To be clear, there aren’t all that many that I hate and they certainly are not as numerous as the white people I hate (those fuckers are legion), so here’s wishing all the black people I don’t hate a festive Kwanzaa and a Happy New Year.

PS: See what I did up there? I used ambiguous language to have some fun. Ain’t I a stinker?

PPS: I’d just like to remind everyone that the best way to spot a counterfeit is to touch it. A fake may look convincing, but you would be surprised what your fingers can tell you that your eyes may have missed. This holds true for twenties and titties.

Blah blah, late post, socked nuts…

I’ve been trying to locate a copy of a short story (~5000 words, I think) originally created for an English class back in 1998. I called it Paranoia, and it was essentially the diary of a madman.

Thanks to Hotmail’s old “log in regularly or your email archive goes away” policy, my 4 subsequent moves, and possible lending to an ex-girlfriend along the way I’m not even sure a copy still exists in the world except the general structure and some details that live on in my melon.

I’d probably be embarrassed to read it now anyways. I’m not saying 32 year-old Andy is a better writer than 21 year-old Andy, just that 32 year-old Andy is probably better at recognizing shit writing. I have read Digital Fortress in the meantime, after all.

Still, there’s a little voice in the back of my head that tells me I should rework Paranoia and see if I can get published in some shitty little dead-tree magazine. The reasons are complex.

My mom read it a decade ago and called to ask if I was feeling alright and if I should maybe talk to somebody.

My dad read it and immediately offered suggestions on polish and pacing.

There was a frustrated novelist locked somewhere behind his wall of self-doubt; big ideas he never quite finished, beautiful stories he never quite sold. I found a bunch of his ideas and work after he passed, and it reminded me of how alike we were in just about every way.

He didn’t see Paranoia as a cry for help. I wrote a weird little story and he understood it. I wanted to create something and I wanted others to experience what I had made. I wanted to mindfuck the world.

He got that. I think he saw something of himself in it.

He wanted to tell the tale of a stubborn garden worm that refused to bend in spite of all logic and reason. I think it was my favorite children’s story, and I think 2 children in the world have had it read to them.

I’ve had a lot of interesting ideas pop into my head. I have notes and scraps and the best intentions. I also have a thousand other things that I can distract myself with, a distaste for the grind of typing for hours and hours, and probably every drop of insecurity that used to run through my father’s veins.

I don’t know if I’ll ever find Paranoia in its original form, and I’m certain my dad’s notes on it are gone for all time.

If it’s lost, though, I’ll rebuild it.

Before the end of the year you guys are going to be subjected to something heinous.

I just wanted to share with you all something I said to my then-not-yet-wife one evening in early December 2005:

Pink Meatstick of Death …

Pink Meatstick of DEATH !!!

Yeah, she didn’t get it either.

Yeah, yeah, I know… This time it was a dick-punch.

Long, long ago, back when (or before?) some of you were actually in diapers, I did some development work (wait, didn’t I claim to have been a banker?) in C, C++, and Smalltalk. Recent career shifts got me back into programming by making me work with a Java-esque special-purpose language. I’ve also been trying to pick up and polish skills with PHP since that is the language that makes TANcast tick.

The recent events seem to have re-ignited my old interest in coding, so as I try to knock rust off of old knowledge and deal with the above I’ve also been starting to wade into Python and some Objective-C. I chose the former because, from all accounts, it is simple, sane, powerful, and Google loves it. Google is like the new IBM: nobody ever got fired for picking Google. I’m working on the latter because I regularly use a Mac for the first time since OS 8.1 was released.

All this résumé padding got me thinking: What else should I try to toss on that pile?

Then it hit me. I should join a high-IQ society. That won’t make me look egotistical or elitist, no sir. That may, in fact, be just the edge I need in this topsy-turvy economic climate!

I then spent at least 30 minutes trying to figure out just how high up the Ladder of Brainiacs my standardized test scores would entitle me to climb. The answer was enough to send me off on a new quest to figure out how to get old copies of my scores. Ego BOOST!

It didn’t take me long to figure out I’d wasted a ton of time internally bragging about how smart a test I took a decade and a half ago told me I was, rather than actually working on the skills I’d meant to attack in the first place.

I guess what I’m saying is that I am what you get when you stick a big brain in a lazy fucktard: lots of potential, but mediocre output…

… and I’m self-aware enough to know exactly how full of shit that makes me.

This afternoon I was sitting at the computer, watching people with more active and interesting lives fail, when there was an unexpected friendly “shave-and-a-haircut” knock on my front door. I hopped up and, after a moment of frantic legs/pants battle and a quick check of my zipper, I waddled over, opened the door, …

… and almost fell into a porno.

You know those skin flicks where the pizza delivery guy shows up and the big-tittied housewife breathlessly says “Oh, but I didn’t order a pizza.” while the pizza guy makes single entendre references to his penis?

It was like those, but backwards. I was the big-tittied housewife.

Standing on my porch, grinning as if she knew me, was some 18-year-old (I hope) blonde piece of ass I’d never seen before. I married the last blonde to make the mistake of smiling at me, so I assumed that either I was in for a sales pitch or else she was a robot sent from the future to assassinate me.

Hmm. Assassinate has two “ass”-es and one “I”, just like the showdown at my front door where I had an ass and she had an ass. Also, when you capitalize “Assassinate”, one of the “ass”-es is bigger than the other which is also apropos. I need to lose weight is what I’m saying.

Anywho…

I stand there for a beat wondering why the hell Junior Miss Salesperson/Terminator was saying “Hi” like she knew me. Blondie fills in the gap with “I’m here to babysit… But I think I’ve got the wrong house.” Still smiling.

Big Pimpin’ Andy says: “No baby, this is the place. Why don’t you come on in and I’ll fix you a cocktail. My cock, your tail.”

It wasn't this girl...

Big Pimpin’ Andy lives somewhere else, though, so she probably didn’t hear him say it. Instead she hears Fat-Ass Married Andy say “Unless you know something I don’t, you probably do have the wrong house.”

I spend a moment longer trying to help her figure out which house number she was looking for (it was mine, oddly), then say goodbye.

As I close the door my wife calls down asking who was at the door. I tell her it was the babysitter she’d called and forgotten to tell me about.

Still stuck in my haze of porno-confusion, I get a sudden mental picture of my wife setting up the babysitter scenario to surprise me. This is awesome. She bounds downstairs in a nightie to ask the barely-legal girl for her references. Vaginal references. I don’t know what that means, but Daydreaming Andy doesn’t think in complete sentences and sometimes makes up words.Fat-Ass Married Andy starts to wonder why life isn’t more like all the porn he watches.

My reverie is interrupted by her calling down again: “Did you get her number?”

Wait. I’m allowed to do that now?

Awesome.

Wow…that was in my mouth…for years! It was yanked out this morning with not a lot of fanfare or fuss. For those who are interested in such things, I did not get “put under.” I didn’t even get any gas. I just got the same local you get when you’re getting a filling (something I have become all too familiar with)

But back to this tooth…or perhaps I should say this root with what’s left of what used to be a tooth…

Look how much has decayed away. That is what happens, kids, when you put off oral surgery for over 2 years. (after having put off the dentist for almost 10 years. I know I’ve had a problem with this tooth since I lived in the TANhouse..which would mean that was AT LEAST 2005. The tooth grew in at an angle that made flossing impossible, which led to decay, which lead to pieces of the tooth chipping off, which led to sharp tooth edges scraping against my cheek when I would chew, talk, yawn, or even do nothing. You would think I would hop on that problem right away. YOU wouldn’t think I’d let half a decade go by with my tooth rotting and scraping away inside my mouth…but that’s not how Tim Babb rolls, baby!

Well now the numbness is starting to wear off so I’m going to lie down and try not to focus on my throbbing skull. But let this be a warning to you all.: see your dentist regularly and take her/his advice!

I just got my Star Trek uniform in the mail today and it made me think about how I’ve wanted this thing since the early 90′s. Then I realized that my life now would really impress me as a kid. SO If I had a chance, these would be the things I would tell my younger self:

7) You know how you keep getting in trouble for trying to be funny in class…when you grow up, you will try and be funny for a living. (Don’t worry, little Tim doesn’t fully understand the value of money. He’ll think making $2,000 a year is a lot)

6) You’re going to live long enough to see a Black man become president…and all your White friends are gonna say that the two of you look alike.

5) One day you’re going to live down the street from Harrison Ford’s son’s restaurant

4) You will live long enough to see Michael Jackson become popular again (sadly, HE won’t)

3) You will be able to dress up like a Starfleet Captain, Superman, Darth Vader, Batman, or a Pirate at a moment’s notice because you will own all of those costumes (plus TWO Kermit the Frog puppets).

2) You are going to get a pass that will let you go to Disneyland everyday of the year!

1) You know all those girls who’ve been rejecting you? You’re going to meet a girl 10 times more beautiful, and smart, and funny and she’s going to spend the rest of her life with you…and you don’t even have to trick her!!!

Andy’s October of Suckage: Day 1

Because I lack the ability to form original, meaningful thought, I am stealing Tim’s idea, like, whole. I’m just biting off him, completely shamelessly.

The only promise I make is that if I miss blogging at least once in any day in October I will punch myself in a testicle of my choice (the left one is getting uppity). Oh, and I’ll also try to be better about grammar and spelling than Tim was. Oh, and I’ll probably be less funny, more political. Oh, and I’ll do it while FUCKING YOUR MOM!!!

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

Enjoy the suck.

I finally called to make an appointment with an oral surgeon today to get my top two wisdom teeth removed. My wife will be happy because I have been putting this off for quite some time…as in, over two years. That’s a year per impacted tooth!

The thing is, I don’t have a good reason for putting it off. When I put off making the bed, that’s because I have no desire to make the bed. It’s the same for doing the dishes, taking out the garbage, or watching “What Not To Wear,” I’m putting those things off because I’d rather not do them (in the latter case, I’d rather do everything else on the list 2 or 3 times before that.) The great thing about procrastination is that sometimes if you put something of long enough…you don’t have to do it at all. So, really, you didn’t procrastinate, you won!

But with the wisdom teeth, that is not the case. I would like these things removed. In fact on of them has cracked to the point that it has a sharp edge that stabs my cheek whenever I bite…or talk…or yawn…or move my mouth in the slightest. So you would think I’d be Johnny-On-The-Spot with the appointment , but now. I let it go for more than 2 years. And I’m not one of those guys who has a fear of the dentist. I have a fear of dental bills, but that’s hardly the same.

I thought I just procrastination as a means to an end…simply a way for me to put off (and sometimes avoid) things I don’t want to do. But apparently, I actually enjoy procrastinating (like writing this blog instead of fleshing out a new joke). That’s a little scary. Not only do I have an inexplicable enjoyment for the act of procrastinating…I apparently value it more than my own physical well being.

This can’t end well…

So if you’ve heard the latest TANcast, then you know that the San Francisco Comedy Competition is over…at least for me. I didn’t score high enough to move on. Or to put it another way, I failed.

The time to ask why is behind me. I made bad choices, things beyond my control happened, etc. The question is, where do I go from here? I was really hoping this contest would open doors for my comedy career. Now those doors are probably slammed shut.

I could sit around and moan that fact, but the fact is I really just want to move on and find new ways of opening those doors (or find new doors). But not knowing how to do that is a frightening thing. It’s like being lost in the woods…no..wait…I wouldn’t know what that’s like. It’s like being in the LAX parking lot and not knowing where your car is (that I know about first hand). You don’t know where to start. You feel like every time you go one direction, you may actually moving further from your goal. As the hours go by, you begin to wonder if in fact you’re just going around in circles.

In LAX I eventually found my car and got to where I wanted to go. Will I be that lucky with comedy? Only time and will can tell.

7 hours from now I’ll be performing in Santa Cruz with my future in the San Francisco Comedy Competition on the line. Until then I’m just waiting. I don’t want to particularly sit here and stress about it for the next 7 hours…because that’s really not going to help anything. But I feel like if I sit here not thinking about it, I’m not accomplishing anything. It’s one of those limbo times. I can’t do anything to effect the outcome of my day for the next 7 hours…but I can’t really move on with my day until then. It’s like a Christmas morning of stress. I can’t wait to open my presents, but if I open them wrong, they might blow up in my face.

What to do? I guess I’ll edit TANcast…

Why do I do this? Why am I comedian? I don’t ask this because I don’t think I’m funny, I ask this because the job of stand-up comedian involves a lot of rejection…and I apparently can’t deal well with rejection. It’s almost the end of the preliminary round of the San Francisco Comedy Competition. The first 2 nights I placed in the top 5, which is good. I felt happy about it, but was determined that I still needed to do better. The second two nights I did NOT place in the top 5…the anger that welled within me was enough to make me turn to the dark side and force choke Padame. I don’t know why. There are 14 other comics and they’re all good…some of them are REALLY good. I realize every competition has to have a loser. But when that loser is me, I just see red. It’s kind of like my hatred of gambling. I know there’s risk going in but I get so emotionally invested that when I lose, I also lose my mind!

Let me be clear, I don’t think that I am the most awesome comedian who ever lived (or even in the top 150). Thusly, I don’t believe I should win every contest I enter. But something about NOT winning spikes the gamma rays in my bloodstream and makes me want to SMASH!!!

Thankfully, I’ve gotten good at not shooting my mouth off. ‘Cause in my mind I’m blaming everyone from the crowd to the judges to the people who made the line up to the other comedians. It’s only as I cool off in the car ride on the way home that I really start to step back and point the blame inward. I’m the one who has to step my game up, not anyone else. I can’t keep second guessing my material, I have to go with what works and believe in it to the end. I know these jokes can rock a house, because I’ve been the one telling them when they have. (I don’t know if you can tell, but I’ve been listening to the Rocky soundtrack for the last hour)

So tomorrow is the final show of this round in Santa Cruz. It’s make or break time. If I don’t place in the top 5, I am effectively done in this competition. So I am going to bring it with everything I’ve got. I’ve played the Crow’s Nest before, I usually do well there. It’s a rowdy crowd but they like to laugh if you can hold their attention. Tomorrow, I will hold their attention! I will have the set of my life tomorrow! I will make people laugh until they pee (or fart). I’m “leaving it all on the ice tomorrow,” as Kevin Smith would say! I may be beaten and bruised, but I can hear the crowd chanting “Roc-ky! Roc-ky! Roc-ky!” And I know I have to get up and get back in there…because it’s not about how hard you hit…it’s about how hard you can GET hit and keep moving forward. It’s about how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!!!

I think I have whipped myself into a frenzy with enough cliches and sports metaphors…now let’s go tell some dick jokes!!! (Note: I do not actually have any “dick jokes” in my act)

Uh oh…it’s 11:53pm as I start this blog. Fortunately, I have decided that the blog doesn’t have to be published by midnight, just started. (It’s my blog so it’s my rules)

I just unofficially came in 4th place in my first night of the San Francisco Comedy Competition. (Side note: if it weren’t for Spell-Check, I would never be able to spell “competition.” Every time I think I have it right, I get the little red squiggly line under it.)

4th place may not sound like the best thing ever (won’t even get you a medal in the Olympics), but I felt pretty darn good about it. The top 5 from this round move on to the next round, 4th place is kinda like the D+ that I got in my plant biology class in college, it isn’t the best grade ever, but it got me my degree.

It’s also just great to be in this competition. SO many others have been in this thing before me: Robin Williams, Dane Cook, Ellen DeGeneres, Dana Carvey, etc. So often in LA I’m on the same stages that so many legends have performed on but I feel so removed from their time. Yes, Richard Pryor performed here on his way up, but the scene and the circumstances were completely different.

This feels so much more similar. 5 nights, 5 minutes, 5 top finishers…it’s the same pressure and stakes that everyone in this contest before me has faced.

…now it’s time to see if I have it in me…or if that drunk lady in Temecula was right…and I suck.

“Really, Tim? You couldn’t wait 24 hours? You bastard!”

Tragically, Patrick Swayze passed away yesterday. I learned about this about 40 minutes before my first of 3 performances that night. I decided to mention it on stage all 3 times I performed. (“Too soon” has almost no meaning to a comedian)

The first two times the joke went over pretty well. The third time, however, it drew a very passionate complaint. Here’s the joke:

“So tragically Patrick Swayze passed away a few hours ago. But fortunately you can still talk to him when he possesses Whoopi Goldberg and makes Demi Moore cry.

I wish Patrick had died a while ago…not because I dislike him…I actually DO like him. That’s why I’m sad he lived long enough to see Michael Jackson’s memorial. Because you know he went to his grave thinking ‘Man, I’m not getting anything like this!’ I mean, c’mon I liked “To Wong Foo…” but no one is renting out the Staples Center for this guy. Nelson Mandela is not writing a letter to the family of the co-star of “Point Break.”

So, after my set, I heard I had drawn a complaint. I figured maybe it was a little too soon to make jokes at the expense of Mr. Swayze. I could see why someone might get rubbed the wrong way by that…but that wasn’t the complaint. This lady was fired up not because I made light of the death of Patrick Swayze, but because I compared him to Michael Jackson. “You can’t compare Patrick Swayze to Michael Jackson! Michael Jackson was a genius…that’s just not funny! I know funny! (clearly not) I want to talk to a manager. This looks bad on your establishment!”

Wow. First of all, I wasn’t even really comparing the two. Secondly, you’re an idiot who probably became a Michael Jackson supporter on June 25th…all my MJ songs were in regular rotation on my iPod on June 24th…so eat a bag of crap and die.

…and when you do die, you won’t get a service at the Staples Center either.

So my mom at I are at Disneyland yesterday for her birthday. You would expect that this story is filled with nothing but joy and happiness. You would be wrong. It was sullied before it even began.

My mom and I are on the tram to go from the parking lot to Disneyland. There is a little kid sitting across from us. He starts kicking his feet into my mom’s shins. The adult with him does nothing and says nothing. Finally my mom says, “You wanna quit kicking me?” To which the adult responds with an ultra helpful, “be careful” to the kid. (Said with all the concern of someone who doesn’t give a tenth of a crap. Then the little turd kicks my mom again. He tosses off an “I’m sorry” that’s as believable as the average Fox News story.

Finally we get off the tram and the kid and the adult catch up with some other adult who is apparently the actual mother. Does she say, “Hey your idiot kid was kicking some lady” when she talks to her? Nope. She COMPLAINS ABOUT MY MOM TALKING TO THE KID! She does this while we are both in earshot so my mom says, “Yeah I sure did.” To which non-mother adult says, “You’re repulsive.” At this point I had to jump in, “SHE’S repulsive for getting kicked by your kid?! How does that make sense?” Finally my mom says, “You know what I don’t need to ruin my day with this. Have a fun day at the park.”

I hope that abomination of a human being is reading this because you need to know that you are a piece of shit! You should not let your children do whatever they want. You have to set rules or else they grow up to be like Noah (I’ve just learned he’s not reading any of my blogs…so fuck him HA!) I just want that lady to know that it’s because of adults like her that I hate most children.

That night there was a huge accident on the 5 as my mom was driving home…I hope it was them. That’s not evil. SOMEONE already had an accident. I’m just saying if I could choose the victim, it would be that whore and her family. Is that so wrong?

I keep saying that one of these 30 blogs will be a chance for me to dig deep and produce something very funny and insightful…this is not that blog.

This is a blog that you might just as easily find on a 14 year old’s MySpace…I don’t wanna do the dishes. I know I promised I’d do them…I know there’s not even that many to do…I still don’t want to do it, okay?! Can you deal with that? I’d rather watch another episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation or just go to bed.

So instead I’m wasting time here on-line bouncing from Facebook to MiceChat to YouTube…etc. Somehow putting off is a better idea? I don’t know why…but it is. Maybe if I waste enough time the dishes will do themselves. Or we’ll be attacked by ninjas and no one will care that the dishes aren’t clean.

Ok…fine I’ll go do the damn dishes…

…right after I see what’s new at Failblog.org and Cracked.com.

DON’T JUDGE ME!!!

I got my 600th subscriber on my YouTube channel.

While that’s not a record breaking accomplishment by YouTube’s standards, I think it’s pretty amazing. 600 people want to see what I come up with next. That blows my mind!

That means people sat at their homes (or at work while the boss wasn’t watching), somehow stumbled upon one of my videos, and said to themselves, “I wanna see even MORE of this idiot.”

I am very grateful for that. Especially because the majority of my videos are from my series about Disneyland called, “Tim Babb’s Kingdom Comedy.” It’s nice that people like what I have to say about something I like a lot. Plus those videos caught the attention of Van at Netcot and the crew at Mousetalgia.

Sadly I have been a little bit of a slacker as of late. I have several videos in the pipeline but the editing process is taking longer than I thought. But I hope to have a new one up before the D23 expo and I have several lined up after that. So if you’re one of the 600 and you’re reading this, I promise you more stuff is on the way as soon as I can get it out there.

But thank you guys (and gals) so much for watching…especially those of you who suggested that friends watch my videos. I appreciate you so much. Now I’ll get back to my Windows Movie Maker program and get to work.

That’s where podcasting has it over radio. These aren’t some co-hosts that I’ve been saddled with by management…we do this show together ’cause we WANT to do this show together. I get as much if not more enjoyment out of doing the show than the listeners do from hearing it.

That’s not to say I don’t appreciate the listeners. I am constantly floored by the fact that people listen to us. I mean I’ve always known that these two guys were entertaining but I’m amazed at how quickly others have caught on. It started out with just a few friends listening and now it’s people I’ve never met in places I’ve never been listening week after week as we talk about poop and lady parts.

So thanks to all of you who listen…especially those of you who post on here or send e-mails. It’s nice to hear what’s working and what isn’t…even though we like to stick with what isn’t. Lastly, big “ups” to Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier for giving me the idea of starting a podcast with my best friends. And now I gotta run because Andy is on time this week. (Pack your shit…the world is coming to an end)

Let me start off by saying that if you hate name-calling rants filled with sarcasm and cheap pot shots…this blog is not for you. I’m fairly well informed and I do have a point under all this…but mostly this is my time to say, “Fuck off, right wing douches, you’re dragging us down!” I should probably get around to tearing the left a new one, but they just frustrate me. The right wing simultaneously pisses me of and blows my mind. How can so many smart people hold so many stupid opinions?! It’s like sitting in an honors math class and the kid next to you tells you 2+2=green. Not only that, he thinks your an uninformed boob for thinking it’s 4. (It’s is 4, right?)

I really should limit my time on Facebook, because that’s where I seem to see all thees things that anger me…like the three I saw yesterday.

The first was an article about how people are upset that Barack Obama had the audacity to speak at a school (and the audacity of hope…but that didn’t come into play). A certain douche that I am “friends” with was angry because a “politician” was speaking at the school. I’m sorry, Captain Sore Loser, he’s not just a politician he’s the FUCKING PRESIDENT OF THE GOD DAMNED UNITED STATES!!! He’s not trolling for votes in an election year…he’s encouraging kids to stay in school. How high is your desire to drum up rage against this man that you have to be outraged that he’s sending this message?! It’s not like they were outraged AFTER his speech because he told the kids to go out and get gay-married while preforming abortions and wiping off the coat hanger with pages from the Bible. He said stay in school. Mr T said the same thing…no one seemed to get upset. I pity the fool that gets angry at message from the opposition…even when it’s positive.

The second thing that pissed me off yesterday was this video posted by Mike, one of TANcast’s friends and fans (who didn’t support the video’s point of view, but posted it because it was the first video he’d seen where the argument against gay marriage wasn’t “God says it’s bad.”):

If you don’t watch the video (and I don’t blame you if you don’t) He takes a quote from Elton John out of context. The quote he uses is “If gay people want to get married, or get together, they should have a civil partnership.” The part he leaves out is, “The word ‘marriage,’ I think, puts a lot of people off. You get the same equal rights that we do when we have a civil partnership. Heterosexual people get married. We can have civil partnerships.”

Elton (I call him “Elton” ’cause were super good friends) said he was against the word “marriage” for gay couples, but he still expects his partner? and himself to have all the rights as straight couples. The maker of this video clearly states that gay couples SHOULD not have the same rights as straight and tryed to make it seem like Elton agreed with him.

Furthermore, he asserted that if gay marriage was legalized that the government would require all churches to mary gay couples or lose their tax exempt status. What a fuck basket! No one would “force” churches to marry gay couples. That’s a straw man argument. (Which is appropriate because this douche is grasping at straws here) And on a separate but semi-related point..why SHOULD churches be tax exempt? They love to influence public policy…pay the cover charge like everyone else! Fuck free rides! Fuck people who oppose gay marriage! …and fuck termites! (Not related to this issue but still…fuck ‘em)

The third thing that got my nuts in a vice yesterday started with this status message that I saw going around Facebook, so I posted it as my status:

Tim Babb thinks that no one should die because they cannot afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick. If you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day! (I can’t wait to hear what certain “friends” of mine will say to this)

The part in parenthesis was mine. I’m so witty….and apparently prescient too. Because a certain “friend” of mine (we’ll call him “Cum Biscut”) did indeed respond (if indirectly) by making his status this:

Cum Biscut believes that no one should die because they are too old to be “sustainable” or too young or unborn to have a voice. And no one should go broke because they get taxed into oblivion paying for other people’s health care. (Thank you Kathy and Debbie)

What a fucktarded response to a rather straight forward message. First of all it completely dodges the points brought up by the original status. Then it brings up the fictitious “death panels” (it doesn’t SAY “death panels” but implying that there is legislation about people being too old to be “sustainable” is a fabrication) lastly it erroneously infers that increased taxes from passing health care reform will somehow be worse than current health care premiums. As someone who has just recently had to purchase health care for himself, I can…with a great deal of confidence tell Cum Biscut to get fucked!!!

The only silver lining was that today Noah showed me this status message and it made me laugh:

No one should die because of zombies if they cannot afford a shotgun, or even just a machete, and no one should be turned into a vampire if they get bit by one–or a werewolf for that matter. If you agree, post this as your status for the rest of the day.

And that’s why I love TANcast…when the world is going to shit, Noah (and Andy) can make me laugh.

So Disney buys Marvel and people lose their collective minds! Marvel fans are panicking about Disney making the Marvel universe more “family friendly.” And Disney fans are fpitching a fit about the possibility of Marvel characters showing up in Disney theme parks.

I’ll grant you, I’m more a DC fan than Marvel (as I sit typing this in my Superman T-shirt) but I really don’t think people have that much to worry about. Disney owns Miramax Films after all…the people who gave us Pulp Fiction, Clerks, Scream, Sin City…etc. None of those are exactly family friendly. (Unless you count the scene in Clerks where Randal rattles off the porn titles in front of the little girl…heartwarming). Disney knows they aren’t experts on comics…I’m sure they’ll leave the comics to the comic makers.

Then there’s the Disney purists who want to make sure Marvel stays out of Disneyland and the like. I’ve even read one person say “…It would almost make me not want to go to Disney…” Really? Do we really need to fight tooth and nail to keep the purity of 75 more rides themed to Toy Story or Captain Jack Sparrow?

Look…Little girls like princess, little boys like superheros, and bloggers like over simplifying the world with widely accepted stereotypes. I’m just saying, there are a bunch of little boys who would love to come to Disneyland and spend some time with their favorite wall crawler or team of mutants. Don’t poo poo on their dreams just because Uncle Walt didn’t come up with the idea for a guy who gets angry and turns green. Lets allow as many people as possible who want to have fun in the park to do so. Excelsior!

Well it’s day 2 of my commitment to a month of blogs and I don’t really have any ideas for a blog today. I fail at everything I try. But I keep trying. I’m kinda like the comedic version of Rocky. (Fortunately no Russians have beaten me up…yet)

I do have quite a few irons in the fire at the moment…I’ve got a few Kingdom Comedy videos I’m trying to get edited. Including the one that I started trying to film back in May! I’m also working on a few more audio Kingdom Comedies for Mousetalgia…and a video project for TANcast that I hope to announce soon.

Plus I’m getting set for the San Francisco Comedy Competition.

I’m really hoping to bring the thunder. If you’re in the area, please come out and laugh at me…I won’t mind You can check the schedule as it gets updated here: http://www.sanfranciscocomedycompetition.com/Pages/Schedule.html (I’m performing on September 16th-20th)

Lastly I’m getting my set together for my showcase at the NACA West Conference. If you’re going to college and would like to have me come to your college and do stand-up (which I would LOVE to do) find out who books events for your college and direct them here: http://h2f.net/h2fnew/index.php?pg=talentdetail_page&id=01493c5fbd38495

…hmmm this is turning into less of a blog as it is shameless self promotion. I will work on that for next time.

Stand-up comedy biz blogs…Disney blogs…Star Trek Blogs…a political rant or two (sorry, right wing friends)…I’m gonna throw as much as I can against the wall in September and see what sticks.

I’m not going to lie to you. There will be typos…there will be factual errors…and there will be an over use of ellipses (…) but if you give me a chance, we can get through this together…or you can just ignore my crappy posts.

Wish me luck…

If you received one of the fliers below on your windshield…kill yourself!

Any other dick parking moves I can make fliers for?

“Magic Johnson was there. That tripped me out. If you went back to 1993 and said to the people there, ‘In 2009, there’s going to be a funeral that will involve Michael Jackson and Magic Johnson…who will be speaking and who will be in the casket?’ I would say 98% of people would have picked the wrong guy.”

You guessed wrong!

For some reason that got a huge moan/laugh from the crowd. I don’t get why. The joke is about perception…it’s not about disrespecting anyone. It’s about the juxtaposition of expectations. When we first heard Magic had HIV, it was like he had 6 months to live…or at least that’s how they made it sound in a world where we didn’t understand how AIDS worked.

Hey Tim Babb…shut your mouth or it will shut “Magically!”

But even if I was making fun of Magic (which I was not) the dude is ALIVE. Magic is going just fine. He’s got his name on a TGI Fridays and 24 Hour Fitness down here in LA, he’s doing commercials for Rent-A Center and some check cashing place…he has apparently made AIDS his bitch.

So I am going to try the joke again…becasue if I don’t, then I’m leting AIDS win!

I mean, I bought a my first house in July, my mom’s birthday is in July, my wedding anniversary is in July, the 4th of July is in July, but I think I’m just done with it, on the whole.

Two weeks ago my wife and I had finished celebrating 3 years of marriage and were getting ready for bed when my cell phone rang. I ignored it because it was my dad’s phone, it was 11:30 at night, and I figured he was calling to wish us happy anniversary and lost track of the time difference. At 12:04 it rang again and I figured I should answer. The strange voice asking me my name and whether my dad was my dad told me just about everything I needed to know.

Some day I’ll hear the words I spoke at his funeral. I can’t remember any of them, but I’m told there was a recording made. I do know that I stood in a church and heard a lot of other people talk about how it was God’s plan and how my dad was in a better place. I feel like I should say “I wish I could believe it”, but I don’t think I do wish that.

Heart attacks killed my father’s father just short of his 53rd birthday and my father at 59 1/2. My dad did live long enough to see both son’s married and meet 3 infant grandsons, unlike his father, two of who’s sons were teenagers when he died. Still, he’ll never come visit me again. He’ll never drive his Miata down sun-drenched California highways again. He’ll never IM me with banal questions about the weather in Georgia while I’m trying to power through a project again.

I was raised to believe in a loving power who took my father home to eternal rest and peace, but I live in a rational world governed by laws of causality and physics and let me tell you these last 2 weeks feel more like the cold randomness of a unfeeling universe than some supreme being’s greater good.

But if God exists, then He’s a prick for taking my dad when his grandsons are too young to remember him.

I think I’m done with Him and His plan.

And I think I’m done with July…

Just a quick note to let you know I am still around. I am moved into our new house and we(mostly my wife) have been making it into a home. Hence no proper Tancast for the last two weeks. I also am on a Jury until the end of August and still doing work for my job. So, it has been a busy last couple of weeks for me.

I hope you all are well.
Noah

And now…”The Beautiful Angel Hol-ly (Holly)”

I remember the time I saw her first
It was the fall of ’91.
That was when she stole my heart
And my Feelings for her begun

It was early morning in the library
When I looked across the room and did see
The most wonderful girl in the world
The beautiful angel Holly.

Her beauty was unmatched by any.
Imperfections and flaws she had none.
Her flowing blonde hair, her sparkling eyes
Admired by everyone.

She was exceptionally beautiful
I knew this to be true.
But I wanted to know, if the person inside
Could be that beautiful, too.

But alas when I tried to talk to her
I tripped over my words.
So the person here inside of me
Was not the person she heard.

A year rolls by as I stay back
Admiring her from afar.
Now, forced only to imagine
What a wonderful person you are.

But finally in the fall of the next year
There came a break in the weather
Because now sweet Holly and I
Have a whole class together

Now finally we talk together
And I find she’s different from all other girls
She’s smart, she’s witty, she’s charming and thoughtful
With an insight that’s out of this world

I find myself falling for Holly
And ready for love to begin
But I realize much to my dismay
I must have messed up again

I’m the kind of person who usually hides
Behind a joke a smile or wise crack.
So when I sent her all of my love
She thought it a joke, and she sent it back.

“Oh Holly, can’t you see I’m not joking?”
I wanted to say to her face.
But, fearing another rejection
I ran away in disgrace.

Soon I gain popularity
And friends all through the school
But the girl that I love still thinks me a friend
Why must the fates be so cruel?

My friends tell me to forget her
To try and find somebody new
Two other girls I date but it’s no use
My love for Holly is true.

I want to reach out to Holly again.
To try and explain how I feel
I have to be sure she knows I’m not joking
So she knows this time it’s for real.

I set out to pour out my soul to her
But wait, other men I see
They’re swarming around her just because she’s pretty
They don’t really love her like me.

“Go away!! Can’t you see I love her?!”
Is what I wanted to shout.
But perhaps it’s time I faced the fact
That love’s one thing I must live without.
So I go back into the shadows
Admiring her from afar.
Once again using jokes and smiles and laughs
To cover my broken heart.

But never will I give up hoping
That someday she will love me.
And I’ll be together forever
With the beautiful angel, Holly.

And there you have it…pure crap. The meter is all over the map. The person I’m addressing changes three times. The punctuation is wrong. In one sentence I say I’m giving up but three lines later I say I’ll never give up.

I remember I read this poem to a younger friend of mine and she LAUGHED HER ASS OFF! She was 13 at the time and knew this was a gay ass poem.

I just feel sad for my 16 year old self…if he knew that we were all here in the future reading this and mocking his lameness, he would be crushed. Perhaps he would be consoled by the fact that he now has a really hot wife who doesn’t seem to mind his outrageous lameness. I think that would make him quite happy. Too bad he was such a sad sack.

But there are so many little details that put the “F” in this F My Life that I need more than 140 characters to fully flesh out all the suck.

The day started off ok. I spent most of the day editing a new episode of TANcast and getting it posted. After I was done, I hopped in the Babbmobile and headed down to do my show in San Juan Capistrano. On the way down, the battery light came on in my car.

“Uh oh”

But then it went back off…then it came back on…then went back off. I hoped it was some random glitch and pressed on through the glacier passed traffic that LA is famous for. I noticed that whenever I was hitting the gas the light stayed off. That sucked because, as I mentioned, I was driving on an LA freeway…so I was mostly hitting the brakes not the gas. But, as they say, the show must go on…even when the show is just some skinny mulatto making Star Trek jokes…so I pressed on to the gig.

The gig went pretty good. A crowd of around 200 people laughed at me…for the right reasons (I think). Sadly I only sold 1 CD after the show. (A sad reminder of my poor business decision making skills).

So I hopped in the car after the show and immediately I noticed a strong smell of a cleaning product of some sort. I thought to myself, “Wow…they really like to keep this parking lot clean.” I got on the I-5 Freeway and headed for home and of course the light came back on every time I hit the breaks. I said to myself, “Well you have officially got to take the car in tomorrow…that sucks.” But I didn’t have any idea of the suck that awaited me.

A little while down the road the light came on again…but my foot was firmly on the gas. What a splendid new development! Now it didn’t matter if I was hitting the brakes or hitting the gas, the light wouldn’t go off. I didn’t want to stop because I was still a good 40-50 miles from home. So I just hoped what ever was going wrong would wait until I made it home. Then the anti-lock brake light came on…followed closely by the air bag light. Now my dashboard is lit up like Vegas and I can feel the car acting funny so I decide to pull of at the next exit. That exit turns out to be Harbor Blvd. For those of you unfamiliar with Southern California…that’s the exit for Disneyland. Yes my car died in a gas station walking distance from the Happiest Place on Earth.

I call AAA and while I’m waiting for them I decide to look under the hood in a feeble and futile attempt to diagnose/fix the problem myself. When I open the trunk to look for tools, I discover that the cleaning product smell I detected earlier was because the container of liquid laundry soap I had in my trunk had leaked all over my trunk and the many items contained in said trunk. Oh well…I guess I was done with those CDs and business cards anyway…*sigh*

Then the AAA truck gets there and as he prepares to give me a jump start, I describe what happened…he then stops and says with a grin, “Oh….you’re gonna need a tow.” Never have I encountered a person so happy to tell me bad news. “Guess what…your dog is dead! Yippie!”

So Captain Schadenfreude tells me that I more than likely have a blown alternator and will need to have the car towed to a repair place. Still being 40 miles from home, this is not exactly the best news. So the tow truck comes, hauls me to a Pep Boys and then drops me at a hotel near Disneyland. The hotel costs $57 for the night. I made $55 at my show. I’ve already lost money and the car isn’t any closer to being fixed.

The next day, I walk my sad ass to the Pep Boys still in the clothes from the night before. They have to not only replace my alternator, but also my battery which I JUST had replaced a few months ago. So my total expenditures for this trip are now around $400…for a show that I made $55 on.

When it was all done I drove back to the freeway and as I passed Disneyland, I realized I was too sad/tired/defeated to even be enticed to visit my favorite place on the planet.

After LA holds Michael Jackson’s memorial service, maybe they can hold one for my hopes and dreams as well.

There is a Park and Ride on my way to work that I have started to use to save money, be green etc. For those that don’t know, a Park and Ride is a parking lot that is located along a major bus route usually. I found out today that they are expanding the parking lot and it was supposed to open today. The plan was that they expand the Park and Ride lot and then move the bus stop from the road next to the lot, to inside the parking lot. Making it nice and convenient for passangers. There was just one snag in their master plan. The buses don’t fit into the parking lot. At least that is what I heard a passanger say, I didn’t fact check.

If this is true, that is such a massive. It is not like one guy fucked up, a whole group of people fucked up. Someone had to draw up the plans, someone had to sign off on the plans, the plans had to be presented and approve I am sure,  someone who builds things on a regular basis had to look at them at start the building process. I am not sure how bad it is, maybe the diffrence of one inch made it impossible for the buses to get through but damn, I am sure this is costing someone a lot of money.

I did a quick google search and the parking lot addition cost 8.3 million.

Oops.

Why is it cheaper to fly somewhere with a layover than with a direct flight? Why is it more expensive for me to get on a plane and then get off where I want to go than it is for me to get on a plane, get off somewhere I have no interest in being, get on another plane and finally fly to where I wanna be?

The airline company now has to pay two flight crews, fill two planes with fuel, plus give me two bags of those peanuts. How does that save them money that they can then pass those savings along to me? Seems to me like they’d have to spend more money.

But wait it gets weirder…if I just wanted to take the flight to the place I didn’t want to be…the EXACT same flight…it costs more than the two flight combo that will take me all the way to where I want to be.

Someone needs more oxygen to their brain

Let me break this down for the absurdity that it is (The below numbers are all for the SAME airline on the SAME day):

Me taking a direct flight from LA to Boston: $174
Me flying from La to Denver to Boston: $100
Me Flying just from LA to Denver: $119 (same flight as the first flight above)

So If you want to fly to Denver, it’s CHEAPER to tell them that you want to fly to Boston…but then just never get on the second plane. You’ll save almost 20 bucks and give some lucky passenger some extra elbow room.

I guess common sense is not among the things available for sale in the Sky Mall catalog.

Just letting you know we are all still alive.

I have been working and house hunting, no news yet on any of the places we put offers on but we are going out again tomorrow to check out some more places. If you are looking to buy, I love the website Redfin. I can’t speak for their agents but I love the site for finding properties to look at. I actually just did a focus group for them, they want to make an iPhone app.

This is going to be a good summer I feel. Hopefully a new house, iPhone 3.0 comes out, and I am sure an iPhone and maybe something else cool from Apple.

Anyone going to see Star Trek this weekend? I know I am and I hope it is as good as all the hype.

Not much else to say for now. Hope you all are well and we will be recording a Tancast this week. Tell your mom I love her, remember it is mothers day this weekend if you live in the states.

Noah

It’s time to unmask the monkey…

Honeymooning with the Wife

My name is J. Randall Simmons, and no, I’m not related to Gene Simmons. That isn’t even his real name, goddamn it.

All the men in the family get called by their middle names, and I’ve been “Andy” ever since I was a baby when my mom’s very proper English father refused to call me “Randy” on principle. Supposedly one of the only times he’d been heard to curse was when he said to my father “Why not just call him ‘I Like to Fuck’?”

Up until a few months ago I was the only IT worker in the Athens, Georgia office of a major metal foundry (we also dealt with recycling a bunch of different alloys), though they’ve since outsourced all IT functions to another company. I was actually born here and moved to Northern California during my freshman year of high school when my parents split up. I met Tim in high school and Noah a few years later when I moved to San Jose for school. Noah and I worked together for a short while at the foundry company’s main Western Region office before they offered to move me and my wife back out here.

I know I’ve implied I live in or near Cobb County on a few podcasts, but that was all misdirection, I’m afraid. My dad’s brother and his family life in Marietta, so I know the area well enough to fake it. Clarke County, born and bred.

So, there you have it. I’m a big fat liar head. Still, all the cards are finally out on the table and I can stop trying to keep all this shit straight.

To any potential employers who Googled me and found this, turn back now. TANcast is completely uncensored, unfettered, and often untrue. Whatever you hear or read on this site may be my honest opinion or it may be me saying something just to be ironic, funny, shocking, or all of the above. Don’t for a second think you’ve found out some big secret about me. My personal amusement is none of your concern.

Kisses,

“Mysterious” Andy

PS: I may need to change the user ID on my Twitter account now…

As I have yet to receive a dime for performing in the City of Los Angeles, I followed the e-mails instructions, explained my case in a letter, sent it to the address, and thought the whole matter was settled.

Now Mervyn’s…I mean the City of Los Angeles has written me again saying I never responded and now I owe them $4,000! FUCK YOU, LOS ANGELES!!!

Your city has never paid me a dime!!! I contacted you 3 separate ways to straighten it out and now you’re putting the blame on me?! No wonder republicans don’t trust government! You’re not getting a dime out of me just because YOU are incompetent!

The comic on stage was talking about the Octomom. That’s when drunky pipes up, “Ugh…that bitch has been with 8 different dudes.”

Um…what? How much alcohol do yu have to drink to destroy your brian to that degree.

First off, the Octomom is well known to have no man in her life…much less 8. I don’t follow her closely, but I swear I heard she hasn’t had sex in some time.

Second of all…you don’t need 8 guys to make octuplets! The alcohol has broken down his memory of how babies are made! WTF? WTF?!!

Click on any of the titles below to see ‘em

Towards the end of the night after all the drop ins have left and most of the regularly scheduled comics (like myself) had already done our sets, one of the last scheduled comics gets up and says some disparaging remarks about the 3 drop-ins. In particular, he said that one of the comics had “bad delivery.” This happened to be the comic that is one of my favorites. He’s also been on Comedy Central and a bunch of other things. He’s fucking hilarious!!! This dude had some major balls talking shit about such a gifted comic.

Then he really pissed me off…he proceeded to rip off two jokes from Bobby Slayton. Not only steals the jokes but even some of the tag lines to the jokes! Rule #1 in comedy: don’t steal! Rule #2: if you’re dumb enough to break rule number 1, don’t break it so blatantly that it’s obvious to anyone that you’re a thief!!!

Then the dude does a STREET JOKE! The kinda jokes we do on TANlaughs…kinda shitty, but funny in spite of itself. He’s stealing from old ass street jokes now? Rule #3: if you’re gonna be dumb enough to steal AND be dumb enough to make it obvious, don’t steal a shitty joke!

This dude tried to diss on a established, comic who writes brilliant stuff and then pulled a hack trifecta (a “hack trick” you might say). Thus making him Tim Babb’s “Douchebag of the Week!” HURRAY!!!

As we discussed on TANcast 34, I hate this. When I send out e-mails, I send them to people I actually think would enjoy the show. I don’t just blindly e-mail everyone on my list and it annoys me that other comics aren’t as considerate.

But this douche isn’t even one of my friends! I’ve never met him. I’ve never seen him. Fuck him!

So I want to send this e-mail in response, but I’m worried it might be too harsh:

Really dude? I’m a comedian. It’s right there in my name…”Tim Babb Comedian.”

How often do you go see comedians you never met just because they message you? I’ll bet not very often. I bet you’re busy working on your own shows.

I’m doing the same thing…but I don’t invite comedians to my shows unless I can get them stage time. So did you send me this because you can get me a guest set at one of your shows or are you just a tool sending out mass e-mails to comedians?

Why do I have a feeling I know the answer?

Thoughts?

The real rub, Zombie Ann, is that I sometimes talk about actual personal stuff on this social network; the sort of stuff that I wouldn’t talk about in public, with “work buddies” who aren’t also “actual friends”, or with friends-of-friends.  As such, I don’t feel comfortable accepting this friend request and letting this person into my private affairs.  On the other hand, this person is quite nice, was always friendly, and may feel insulted or snubbed if I reject/ignore the friend request.

What should I do?

Sincerely,

Friendly Friend of a Friendly Friend

I miss California sometimes…

PS: This post got stuck in my iPhone a week ago and never posted, so I went back in time and put it in the right place.  It has since been warmer, almost as cold again, and then warmer again.  It’s like the thermometer is hooked up to a yo-yo.

In other geek news. I am going to try and load Windows 7 on my Mac and run it in Parallels or Boot Camp, whichever works. I did a quick Google search and saw some people got it to work but I haven’t researched the best way to do it.

Nothing else to report for now.

P.S.

The Article says she is 22 but she really looks 12 to me.

This video makes her not look so 12 years old.

Check out the article here: http://www.recordnet.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20081113/A_ENTERTAIN/811130320/0/A_ENTERTAIN03

They even gave TANcast a little mention…really built it up too. lol

Congratulations America…you finally got one right! I just wish my dad had lived to see this day. I can just imagine sitting on the couch with him this January and watching Barack get sworn in. I will have to appreciate the moment for both of us.

But as proud as I am of America, I am almost equally disappointed in California. It’s looking like Prop 8 is going to pass.

I thought California was better than this. Aren’t we the “liberal” state? How can we write into our CONSTITUTION that gay people don’t have the same rights as straight people?

How can there be ANY valid argument that this is not discrimination?

People keep saying that “traditionally” marriage has been between a man and a woman. Well a lot of traditions change as we grow up as a people! Traditionally the only people who could own property in this country were White males. But that tradition changed when people realized that women and other ethnicities were people who deserved to be treated equally.

But I guess not faggots, huh?

Fuck you California! Fuck you for shitting on what was an amazing election! Fuck you for trying to undercut my faith in humanity’s progress! …and fuck you for making me write this long ass blog that isn’t funny in the slightest!  Not one damn punchline in this whole thing!  WTF?! Are you proud of yourselves? ARE YOU?!

thunderheist – jerk it from thatgo on Vimeo.

natalie portman’s shaved head – sophisticated side ponytail from thatgo on Vimeo.

p.s.

Go black people!

Combined with shameless self promotion…

(Click the photo to see it full size)

My feelings are mixed…I’m excited by the new look…but also a little disappointed that it’s so different from the classic bridge.

Why make a movie about Star Trek if you just wanna change it all? Make a movie called JJ Abrams’ Wacky Space adventures and leave the legend alone.

I guess I’ll have to wait and see…

I told a story back in TANcast 012 about how a guy I used to work with had apparently been referring to me as “Mmmmmm, Bear!” to a mutual friend.  I’ll call him “Dude” and the mutual friend “Buddy” in the rest of this post.

Buddy and I were IMing yesterday and at one point the conversation shifted to how Nebraska’s recent “abandoned children bill” was working out for them:

Buddy: I really don’t understand this: 2nd Out-of-State Teen Dumped in Omaha

Andy: Kids gotta learn.

Buddy: “Last week, a 14-year-old girl from Iowa was left at an Omaha hospital by her grandparents. The girl has since been returned to her family.”
Buddy: How do you recover from that? How can you trust your family after they leave you?

Andy: You wait a few years, then kill them for the insurance.
Andy: Make it look like an accident…

Buddy: You’re so horrible.

Andy: I know.
Andy: The real shocker in that story is the widower who left 9 of his 10 kids.

Buddy: Yeah.

Andy: What about the 10th? “Oh, that one’s a keeper.”

Buddy: I just can’t imagine how the other 9 feel.
Buddy: On a recent episode of MTV’s “True Life”, it was something like “I’m a dating single parent”.
Buddy: There was this 25 year old white guy. He had a 10 year old, a set of triplets, and a set of twins.
Buddy: He had the twins and triplets with his ex wife. She started partying a lot after the kids were born, decided being a mom was too much, and left.

Andy: Well, at least his dates know he’s easy and he won’t make them make him wear condoms.

Buddy: OMG. I feel like I’m talking to Dude.
Buddy: He says shit like that.

Andy: Dude and I should form a detective agency and be wisecracking know-it-alls.
Andy: You know, break the mold.

Buddy: Oh yeah, that hasn’t been done before.

Andy: There is supposed to be one straight-laced guy and one wise-cracker.

Buddy: Ohhh… Gotcha.

Andy: We’ll have one straight guy and two crackers.

Buddy: LOL

Andy: We could be “BJ and the Bear”.

Buddy: You’re so horrible.

And that was that. I’d performed my random act of semi-offensive weirdness for the day and I was happy. Oh, there was something else later about writing a country song called “The Ballad of the Lonely Penis”, but it doesn’t relate to what I’m talking about here.

Buddy sent me a link today to a “sexual harassment training video” that I’d seen before, but I watched it again because it is funny as hell.

After seeing that clip I was inspired:

Andy: I’d love to know where that came from.
Andy: I mean, that CAN’T be real. Gotta be a spoof.
Andy: Nobody says “fat cock” in a training video.
Andy: Though now I look forward to making an official training video that uses that phrase somehow.
Andy: I think I’ll deserve bonus points if it is subtle enough to be missed, or if it is somehow in context and therefore serious.
Andy: I’ll put it in a training video for my new detective agency.

Buddy: Would you like Dude’s email address so that you two can make some business plans?

Andy: Only if you think he’ll let me be BJ. He can be “the Bear”, ’cause just like that 80′s show you gotta pick names that will confuse the sheriffs who are gonna pull you over.

Buddy: I was telling Dude about our convo (BJ and The Bear), and he said: “Tell Andy I have something he can open.”

Andy: Is is a pack of cookies? Fat man loves him some cookies.

Buddy: Dude says: “I’ve heard it called that. No crumbs here though.”

Andy: Hmmmm.
Andy: Tell him that they’re called “Private Dicks” because they keep them to themselves…

So it is settled: I’m going to quit my job and become an investigator just so I can use a line from a fake sexual harassment video in my own real training video while being sexually harassed myself by my new partner, who may or man not have a fat cock.

Song:hall of heads
Artist:they might be giants
Album:apollo 18

Song:so right
Artist:dave matthews band
Album:everyday

Song:telegram
Artist:saul Williams
Album:saul Williams

Song:evolution
Artist:gift of gab
Album:fourth dimensional rocketships going up

Song:take it off
Artist:de la soul
Album:3 feet high and rising

Song:legend
Artist:deep sky
Album:digital empire vol. 2

Song:emotions
Artist:mariah carey
Album:#1′s

Song:lets Party
Artist:pauleone
Album:da drought vol. 2

Song:peter piper (j. period remix)
Artist:j. period and game rebellion
Album:searching for rick rubin

Song:keith turbo
Artist:kool keith
Album:black elvis lost in space

Since JPMorgan Chase doesn’t appear to have any branches or ATMs in the Metro Atlanta area, the only benefit I can see is that WaMu sucked hind teat when it came to systems integration.  We opened a bank account in California and applied for our mortgage (on our Georgia home) and LoC there, but the Georgia branches almost always had trouble finding our account and the bank gave us separate web logins (different sites AND different rules on acceptable usernames and passwords) for the account and each loan type.  Hopefully Chase will do a better job when they convert everything from the now-legacy WaMu products to native Chase products.  If not, perhaps we’ll jump ship.

We started with a power nap, then got up around 3 AM, loaded into my car, and drove from San Jose to Anaheim. The rest of them continued to sleep/doze on the way down while I passed semis (for our foreign readers, that is pronounced “sem-eyes” and means “large trucks pulling large trailers”) at 100 mph on Interstate 5 in the pitch black. Hey, it kept me awake.

We stopped for breakfast at the International House of Pancakes where, if I remember correctly, Tim had French Toast, Noah had Belgian Waffles, OG Steph had an English Muffin, and I had American Deep-Fried Gravy-on-a-Stick, a staple of southern cuisine. I’m international that way.

We hit Disneyland near its opening, whereupon Tim jumped up and threw his arms around my neck while I tossed a hand under his outside thigh and carried him like a little brown sidecar for several yards. I remember telling him at some point that he is “difficult to spend time with”, but I can’t recall what period of sugar-induced Tim-frenzy this happened in. It might have been after the sidecar thing. I’m pretty sure it was that day.

At any rate, it was an awesome day. We rode all the rides we wanted, we ate whatever we wanted, Noah peed a lot (we eventually renamed peeing “Riding the Noah Ride”), and generally felt like kids again, reliving the unbridled joy of our childhoods in the world’s best playground.

When the park closed we ate dinner in Downtown Disney and then drove home. Tim took driving duties from me so that I could sit in the back and freak out about every jerk of the car instead of sleeping (I loved that car).

We got home around 3 AM the next morning, mission accomplished.

I think it is more than just making fond memories of Disneyland as a kid and then reliving them as an adult. I think it is Disneyland’s manic, nigh-fascist need to present a unified, polished front to every visitor that facilitates adult enjoyment of the place.

I have plenty of fond childhood memories of things that, viewed today, are rather cheap and shitty (I’m looking at you, original Transformers animated show), but Disneyland never seems to fall down that hole.

It may be a difficult, demanding, soul-grinding place to work, but it pays off for the guests.

Still, as Tim said, you should really take your kids to Disneyland.

I know at least a few parents read this…I have something very important to tell you…

Take your children to Disneyland

Not NOW…sit back down and keep reading. Just take them at least once between the ages of three and ten. I was lucky enough to go at least four times in that time period. My mom and dad took me. And I’ve only just realized that THAT’S why I love the place so much. Every time I go back now it’s an instant portal to the past, to people I love, to old smiles and songs that filled my little heart with joy, and to a time when a little kid really believed that if I wished upon a star my dreams really could come true. All this genuine happiness comes from a PLACE. Just a place. Just some brightly colored paint, some singing puppets, and crazy costumes…and somehow, it’s magical. But the true magic of Disneyland is it puts you back in touch with the magic in your own heart.

But that’s not the reason you should take your kids to Disneyland. If you’ve ever meet an adult who never went to Disneyland as kid than you know…they are some of the most miserable FUCKS on the planet! They grow up to be the scary old creep who frightens children that come near their house.

“GET OFF MY LAWN YA BRATS!”

“TURN DOWN THAT RACKET!”

“SLOW DOWN ON THAT BICYCLE!”

What were their parents thinking?! Probably took them on vacation to the Grand Canyon or some crap! What the hell does a five year old care about a big gap of dirt?!

“Yeah, ma. That’s a big trench of dirt…I dug a smaller one in the back yard and you gave me a spanking. Can we go to the movies and see Finding Nemo now?” Save these trips for later when their teenagers and they need to appreciate some of this fine country. But while they’re young, take this chance to take them some where designed for the sole purpose of putting a smile on their face and bringing you closer together. Do it! Don’t let the opportunity pass you by…or who knows what they’ll grow up to be. I’m not trying to scare you, but here’s a true fact…Adolph Hitler, Osama Bin Laddin, and Saddam Hussein…all have never been to Disneyland…makes you think doesn’t it? By the way…I’m going in 4 days…HA HA HAHA HAHAH!!!

This is from the producer of the show my dear friend Orlando Bishop:

I AM PRODUCING A SHOW TO BENEFIT THE LEUKEMIA & LYMPHOMA SOCIETY. ANY AND ALL SUPPORT WILL BE SINCERELY APPRECIATED BY ME… AND BY ALL THOSE WHO FACE BLOOD CANCERS.

IT AIN’T NO JOKE
Date: Saturday, September 27
Time: 8 PM
Place: The Westside Eclectic 1323-A Third Street Promenade
Santa Monica, CA 90401
Admission: $15 (For advance tickets call 310-435-6145)

AND I’VE ONLY BOOKED COMICS I HAVE AND WOULD PAY TO SEE:
Ed Greer
Earl Skakel
Tim Babb
cancer survivor, Jerry Brandt
and your boy, Orlando Bishop

Click this link for more details (and shiny pictures):
http://musingsnmn. blogspot. com/2008/09/it-aint-no-joke. html

A note to all of you:

When I founded my company, Unshackled Entertainment Inc., one of the founding principles was this: If you can do some good while you do some business… well, that’s good business.

With that principle in mind, I am proud to announce the launch of “IT AIN’T NO JOKE!” The concept is a simple one. Unshackled will produce comedy shows to benefit a variety of charities and causes.

My friend, Gladys Perez, contacted me because she was finding people to pledge money to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. To “earn” the donations, Gladys is running a marathon. I figured if she could run a marathon, the least I could do is gather some of my favorite comics and run my mouth. “IT AIN’T NO JOKE!” has been on my heart and mind for a long time. And this seemed like a great opportunity to do “good business.
”

Come out and have a good time for a great cause.

It may be true that cancer ain’t no joke. But that don’t mean we can’t laugh in the face of cancer.

***********************

And this is from my other dear friend Ed Greer:
Please support this show. $15.00 is probably not that much to you but it means a lot to the people who are striving to live with these diseases and the people trying to eradicate these illnesses. Please come to this and tell others. Very rarely do you get to have a good time donating to a cause. Please come to this.

***********************************

And this is from me:
Please pass this bulletin on. My wife has been a suporter of Team in Training by actually running, swimming, and biking and crap…I figure the least I can do is tell some jokes for this cause…but I need you to be there for me to tell them to you.

Thanks!

-Babb

In the song above I can pick out James Taylor, 50 Cent, Nas, Pixies and Weezer.

Another Girl Talk song for your enjoyment or not depending on your musical tastes.

Earlier this week, I posted a video about the closing of Star Trek: The Experience on YouTube, and my idea to keep it alive:

I’ve actually gotten many positive comments about it! Not just on YouTube…but random other forums are spreading it around.

From a Star Trek Forum:
“I weep from the pure brilliance of it.”
“I thought that video was very well put together. This Tim Babb guy has his act together.”

From a Disneyland Forum:
“The Whoopie Goldberg idea is priceless!!!”
“I love this idea! I think it fits in and would really bring a new fresh face to Tomorrowland. I think you’ve got such a great idea Tim!!”

From another Star Trek Forum:
“Brought a tear to my eye…….then I laughed my ass off at ‘HIIIIIILLLTONN!!!!’”

I guess the internet isn’t just filled with hate after all

It turned out this was a goddamn automated dialer system calling me to tell me about a great special at my local Domino’s Pizza franchise.

Since my phone is on the Federal Trade Commission’s Do Not Call Registry, I went ahead and filed a complaint with the FTC.  The notes on the complaint page and the form reminded me that, since I have done business with Domino’s in the last 18 months, the Do Not Call terms don’t apply, but I went ahead and filled out the form (completely truthfully) anyways to get the events registered.

I did a little more digging and found out that, since the number they called was a cell phone and they were using an automated dialer and prerecorded message, they are in violation of Federal Communications Commission regulations.  As this is a different law and a different governmental agency, I filed a complaint with the FCC as well.

They were probably within the FTC’s rules, but the FCC’s page seems pretty iron-clad. I also hit all the keys that Domino’s recording prompted me to so I could get on their Do Not Call list (unsurprisingly, the machine wouldn’t take “NO!” for an answer and made me confirm my confirmation before it would take me off) so at least I don’t have to wait for the 18 months to expire.  If they call again they will be violation of the FTC rules.

All bitching to the government aside, any company that is going to repeatedly cold-call me in the middle of the workday to play me an automated pitch can go get skull-fucked: I’m done with Domino’s.

Because I’m an asshole, I also called the local Domino’s, asked for the manager, and informed him (Michael) that I’d received prerecorded marketing calls on my cell, that such calls violate FCC regulations, that I’d filed a formal complaint, and that the calls had cost Domino’s any future business from me.  I know he probably could give a shit, but getting chewed out generally pisses people off (especially when they have to be polite afterward) and who knows, maybe he’ll complain up the ladder about the retarded marketing driving customers away.

Did I mention that I LOATHE telemarketing and telemarketers?

They were all from one guy and he loves my work! Check out these glowing reviews…

This was a response to my Kingdom Comedy: Cell Phones video:

Here is what I hate about your show. You ahev a REALLY funny joke (When you were talking on your phone in Pirates) and then totally ruin it with your “I’m a loser” What the hell is that?

Awesome I can’t wait to read his other comments…

Here’s one about the Disneyland/Six Flags Debate:

I really don’t understand why people think these shows are funny. You take SUCH good opprotunities for something funny and just destroy them. How the fuck could somebody think this was funny? “His mom must be proud” Dude, you seriously aren’t funny. Your job as a comedian is to be funny. You aren’t so find a different career.

My favorite part about this comment was the dude posted it 8 more times on 8 other of my videos! Hell yeah, brother! Hate spam! That’s new to me! “I hate you!” **copy, paste** “I hate you!” **copy, paste** “I hate you!” **copy, paste**…

A few times he added a little flair like when he posted it on my Comedian’s Journey video he added…

Do you really think you are funny by saying that you just took a HUGE crap…How mature. I feel bad for your first date. This is fucking disgusting.

Ya gotta grant him this one. That is a fairly low brow video. That’s how I roll sometimes .

But then, on my Lovely Ladies of the Land video he posted his favorite hate spam and then added:

Making moves on a Duck? Damn, you are pretty desperate.

Hey Geoff will, back me up. That is a sexy duck!

But my personal favorite was his addition to his hate spam on my Toy Story Mania video:

FUCK YOU TIM BABB! YOU ARE GETTING SO FUCKING ANNOYING! ALL OF YOUR SHOWS SUCK BUT THIS HAS TO BE THE WORST!

Priceless!!! That’s a lot of hate right there! He’s screaming in all caps! I dunno why but I get a kick out of the image of the guy just red faced at his little computer pounding away at the keyboard! Just wishing for my death! Sadly, there are no more comments from the lad after this becasue I blocked him at this point. I felt maybe if he couldn’t comment anymore he would stop watching and eventually calm down. Hopefully he didn’t go out driving after this, because clearly he was quite irate.

I can’t imagine how he could get so angry watching Disney videos. What’s more, I can’t imagine why he would keep watching after he clearly didn’t enjoy them.

“I hate this! It is revolting!”
“More?”
“Please”

Of course, this particular douche bag doesn’t have any videos of his own, because instead of putting himself out there and creating, he’s tearing down others who do.

I just want to tell this poor, fool…you can do BOTH!!! There’s enough time to make a video of your own and tell someone else that THEIR video sucks! You can do it…just believe in yourself!!!

But I gotta thank this guy. As a comedian and an “artist” (barely) you hope to move people in some way. And this man was clearly moved…sure he was moved to hatred…which isn’t exactly what I was going for…but it’ll do.

(Right click above and select “save as” or “save link as”)

Listen for TANcast’s own Tim Babb on the 114th and 149th episodes of the Netcot Podcast!

You can see his Kingdom Comedy video discussing it here.

A quick word of caution to those of you who’ve clicked over here from my link on YouTube:
Warning: This website (TANcast.com) is NOT Disney related or family friendly. Explore other pages of this site at your own risk!

She swam 1.2 miles, biked 56 miles, and ran 13.1 miles…in 100 degree heat!!!

She is a superstar and I am sad I wasn’t there to support her, but I will congratulate her properly when she comes home

Then I started deleting characters and saw the rest of the word “Analysis.”

My question is how the heck do you not have all your teeth, can’t afford gas but have a BMW. I have a steady job, most my teeth and I am not rolling in a BMW. I wondered if they are selling their teeth on the black market? How much money can you save if you stop brushing your teeth?

Babb ’08

Well know I have a new reason to dislike her. I like to sit in the back of the bus because on the bus that I ride there is a sit that is over the wheel that has more leg room then the other seats and I don’t feel as cramped in those seats. The fat black lady (or FBL) likes to sit in the row of seats right in front of where I sit. She also likes to sit in the aisle seat and let her fat arm hang into the aisle. Now the bus aisles are not that wide and her arm probably takes up 25-30 percent of the aisle. I should also mention that I get off the bus before her and everyday I have to squeeze past that lump of arm fat.

I could sit in front of her, sure, but I think you should try to keep your body parts and body fat in you little area. I know some people can’t help it but she has both seats to herself, she could scoot over. How would it be if I just hung my balls over the arm rest. No one wants to walk past that. Well elbow skin looks like ball skin, so it is almost the same thing.

P.S.

I also got my something. I will post an entry with pics later.

About a month ago the wife and I walked out on an appointment without having seen the doctor; he was still 2 patients away from seeing us and it was 90 minutes after our scheduled 9:15 am appointment. The office had opened at 8:30 am, and somehow in just 45 minutes they were already running 2 hours late. I’m guessing the doctor actually strolled in around 10:30 am and they just kept all the patients in the dark, expecting us to take it like good little sheep…

Let me be clear on this (especially since Tim and Noah are bound to bust my balls): I am habitually late to almost everything. I procrastinate like no other man. If my superpower was not killing jokes, it would be being late.

I do see a difference, however, between sometimes being tardy and chronically keeping people waiting for hours. If I was like these doctors, I’d expect my friends to just leave without me. Actually, I’d expect them to stop scheduling time with me.

Worse, we pay the doctors for a service and yet somehow our busy schedules are expected to be as flexible as the MD’s whims dictate on any given day. There are typically no weekend or evening appointments offered, so working professionals like us get to take some unknown numbers of hours off in the middle of the day to see a doctor for a grand total of 5 minutes, often less and rarely more. If they are running hours behind, there is no courtesy call or offer to reschedule. They usually don’t even warn you when you walk it. You just get to take it and like it.

But I digress. This isn’t a rant about how unfair life is and how doctors by and large seem to think that their training and degrees grant them utmost entitlement over the lives of others. This is all about me, as befitting my own capacious ego and sense of utmost entitlement.

When I get bored I like to make my own fun. Sometimes my idea of fun does not mesh with that of others around me, or indeed with people’s desire to lead calm, normal lives uninfected by the sort of awfulness I bring wherever I go.

Case in point:

One day in mid-May, my wife and I had progressed through the minefield that is her obstetrics office and were waiting (for some now-forgotten but assuredly interminable period) to get some routine checkup done by her OB. I saw an informative poster on women’s health and reproduction tacked to the back of the exam room door and, being presently bored and eternally an asshole, decided to make some fun.

Since I am well-possessed of the same naughty fascination with lady parts as any prepubescent boy and had a camera phone handy, the results were sadly predictable…

I should not be allowed to go where normal people are.

See what I did there? Based on the title and intro I made like this was going to be about how shockingly bad the service is at doctors’ offices, but actually it was all just a setup to flash you all “The Shocker”!

If you can stand it, click the image above to see a larger (though no less crappy or stupid) version of the pictures.

By the movie above, Burn After Reading, has David Rasche of Sledge Hammer! fame. You know the awesome 80′s show with the police detective that sleeps with his gun on the pillow next to him. Man I love that show.

What I am talking about is the Something Store. You give them $10 and they give you something. I am ordering my something right now. Tune back in to see what I get.

What?! You missed it? You’re in luck…you can listen to it right now: Just click right here.

That’s right…there’s actually a podcast on TANcast, finally.  Sure it’s not a TANcast podcast…but beggars can’t be choosers

See anything you like? Come on out to a show

PREVIEW: Tim Babb at Matinee
By: Aaron Davis / 209Vibe

Let’s get down to brass tax, here. Tim Babb is a geek.

How much of a geek is he? For starters, he listens to a Star Trek podcast that’s done by two British guys.

Awesome!

“There’s no one in my immediate circle I can talk to about it,” Babb said with a laugh. “(My friends and family) are like ‘you are a geek, and an idiot.’
…
Babb returns to Stockton and the “Laugh Track Live” comedy series with two shows on Saturday, May 3 at the Matinee Lounge, at 1825 Pacific Ave. The shows are at 8:00 p.m. and 10:30 p.m., and tickets are $15.

Tickets are available at www.laughtracklive.com, at Matineé or at 800.838.3006, and the show is open to those 21 and older only.

Read the whole article here.