Today I’m providing step by step instructions (with pictures) on how to make the grilled cheese pizza sandwich I described on episode 92.

What is required:
*2 Slices of bread
*”I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spray
*Shredded mozzarella cheese
*Peperoni slices
*Pizza sauce

Step 1: Grab two (2) slices of bread

Step 2: Lie them in a small skillet and spray both sides with “I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter”

Step 3: Remove the top slice and sprinkle some cheese on the bottom slice of bread. (enough to cover the slice)

Step 4: Place slices of pepperoni on top of the cheese

Step 5: Sprinkle some more cheese on top of the pepperoni

Step 6: Replace the top slice

Step 7: Set the heat to “medium”

Step 8: Poor a small amount of pizza sauce into a dipping bowl. Optional: Microwave bowl for 20 seconds

Step 9: Flip the sandwich over when the bottom side gets golden brown (approximately 5 minutes)

Step 10: Remove sandwich from skillet when bottom slice turns golden brown (will happen MUCH faster than first slice)

Step 11: Slice the sandwich diagonally down the center and enjoy!

Really Panda? You’re not even trying anymore! Fortunes used to actually take a risk and says something was going to happen to you. Then they pussed out and just started to give advice. (“Don’t poke a stick in your eye” or something real bold like that). Now, it’s just “Ask Your Mom.” That’s just pathetic. No one could come up with something better than that? THose peopel who BS their way through horoscopes come up with 12 things every day. Just rip off one of those…sheesh.

Plus…this would totally ruin the “Between the sheets” game (Also known as “in bed.”)

Vote with your heart (or your stomach) and stay tuned for episode 74 to see who’s side you’re on!

One day, probably a Friday, while at Double D’s Sports Grille in Los Gatos, CA with Tim and Noah I got my hands on some crayons and a paper placemat. I proceeded to draw the punchline for the joke “What is green and red and goes 100 mph?” on said paper, because I am an idiot man-child.

When asked “What the hell is that?” I responded by writing the words “A cool, refreshing Frogarita!” under the picture.

This piece of infantile art and bit of juvenile humor started a quest to create an actual Frogarita. I succeeded because I am awesome, and also because I made up the rules for success and therefore had an excellent chance. I do touch the rule-maker’s penis from time to time.

What? (or for those who can’t see the interrobang, “What!”)

You succeed your way and I’ll succeed my way. Don’t come complaining to me because you’re less successful, crying about how I set my bar really low. Just because I successfully didn’t shit my pants yesterday (I also didn’t drink a Frogarita yesterday, and yes those are related stories), don’t try to claim that your failure to hike the entire Appalachian Trail because of a blizzard in Vermont means anything other than I am more successful than you.

At any rate (crybaby), enjoy the sweet taste (and booze) of my success.

The Frogarita

Yes, I drew this. In crayon. At a restaurant.

1. Get together some decent vodka, Midori, pineapple or orange juice (I suggest pineapple), a 3 oz packet of Cherry Jell-O (not sugar-free), some small paper cups, a blender, and, optionally, some Amaretto.
2. If the ingredients don’t spontaneously combine to make a Frogarita because you don’t live in a Disney castle, put the vodka in the freezer to chill and the Midori, juice, and optional Amaretto into the refrigerator to cool.
3. Once the liquor is cold, boil 1 cup of water and stir in the 3 oz Jell-O packet until it is dissolved.
4. Fix the Jell-O by combining with 1 cup of cold liquid. If you want a standard Jell-O shot, use about 5 oz of vodka and 3 oz of cold water. If you want more alcoholic pop, use 1 full cup of chilled vodka and no water. If you want the Jell-O to taste more like maraschino cherries, use 3/4 cup of Amaretto and 1/4 cup of cold water (or vodka!).
5. Pour the cooling mixture into the small paper cups. You just made about 2 cups of liquid, so you do the math on how many cups you need. You’ll only need about a quarter of the Jell-O, so plan on leftovers.
6. Put the cups in the refrigerator to set. This takes 2-4 hours, so have a White Russian Shake in the meantime.
7. When the Jell-O is ready, mix 1/2 cup of vodka, 1/2 cup of Midori, 1.5 cups of juice, and 1.5 cups of ice (add ice until the level hits 4 cups) in the blender.
8. Blend until all the ice is broken up and the mixture is slushy.
9. Drop about 1/2 cup of Jell-O shots into the blender and carefully pulse the blender to turn the Jell-O into smaller chunks (like boba tea). If you want a gorier effect, use a full cup of Jell-O.
10. Pour and enjoy. You can split this into 2 drinks that are about equal to 3 shots each and share with a friend, or drink the whole pitcher yourself and see what happens.

Yes, this is just a frozen Mellon Ball with Jell-O shot bits. Doesn’t mean I’m not awesome.

It’s hard damn work being as seriously epic as I am.

In size.

Around the waist.

It’s like the opposite of conditioning yourself for a marathon. I studiously avoid even casual levels of exertion. I vigilantly watch my diet, lest an errant green threaten to unclog arteries and intestines. I am especially careful to make sure to maximize cheese intake.

Any combination of cheeses will do: breaded mozzarella sticks dipped in marinara, blue cheese dressing poured over buffalo chicken strips, Parmesan piled high on garlic bread… I could go on and on. Most days I do.

The real secret to cheese, though, is the magic that happens when it hits hot metal. I don’t think anyone can argue that best part of a quesadilla isn’t the runoff around the edges that crisps into those bubbly fans of deliciousness. Overzealous pizza topping application nets little slivers of brown treats on the pan surface, and I dare you not to pick those off when nobody is looking.

One day when I was about 7 I had an epiphany: Cut out the middle man and just fry up some fucking CHEESE!

Fried Cheese

1. Get some cheese. Cheddar, Swiss, Co-Jack, it doesn’t matter. Pick and mix your favorites.
2. Warm up a frying pan.
3. Slice or grate the cheese.
4. Drop the cheese in the pan forming a layer about an eighth of an inch thick.
5. Wait for the cheese to liquefy and begin to bubble vigorously near the middle.
6. Using a pan-safe spatula, try to fold and flip the cheese mess.
7. As soon as the cheese clearly changes color remove the pan from heat.
8. Place the fried wad of cheese on a paper towel to cool and drain.

There will be a lot of popping cheese grease as you cook. Do not prepare this dish in the nude, no matter how sexy frying cheese makes you feel. There will be plenty of opportunity to smear the cheese grease over your naked self once it has cooled a bit.

Alternately, I find the cheese grease to make an excellent dipping sauce for the friend cheese and, when mixed with cheap vodka, a peerless apéritif. Suit yourselves.

My last two stupid recipes were delicacies that could be turned quickly and effortlessly into poo. Witness, dearest readers, a concoction that you can convert instead directly into shame. Consumed in sufficient quantity, you might even augment the shame by pooing on yourself, especially if you are lactose-intolerant.

I am merely lactose-prejudiced, so I encounter only the regular levels of aftershame.

White Russian Shakes

(In Non-Shake Form)

1. Procure some good vodka, coffee liqueur, and vanilla ice cream. Without breaking the bank, you might want to try Stolichnaya, Copa De Oro, and whatever full-fat premium ice cream brand you have available. You can go up- or down-market as you please. Kahlúa is good, too, but probably overrated and overpriced.
2. Chill the coffee liqueur in the fridge while the vodka gets as cold as possible in the freezer. Thanks to the miracle of science, the vodka should get close to 0° F (about ~18° C) without freezing, though it will thicken nicely.
3. The International Bartenders Association sets the standard White Russian as 5 parts vodka, 2 parts coffee liqueur, and 3 parts fresh cream, poured over ice. Since the ice cream will stand in for both ice and cream (punny!), I combine 2 parts vodka, one part coffee liqueur, and 4-6 parts ice cream, depending on the desired thickness vs. potency. This makes one cup of shake about equal to a standard cocktail.
4. Combine ingredients in sufficient quantity in a blender. I usually make 2 16 oz. shakes at a time, which would be 2.5 cups ice cream, 1 cup vodka, and half a cup of coffee liqueur.
5. Blend carefully until smooth. You don’t want a single lump of goo, but you also shouldn’t blend until the mixture becomes truly liquid. You may need to add ice cream to stiffen or coffee liqueur to loosen the mix.
6. Pour and enjoy.

One shake never seems to be enough, but enough shakes will cause the shakes. This is a drink that sneaks up on you. It whispers “Oh, have another. I’m so lightly tan and sweet. I’m just like that 13 year-old Thai boy you met on that business trip.”, but the next thing you know your pants are around your ankles and you’re crying about that secret crush on your high-school counselor or how you stole all your furniture from a retirement home.

Seriously, take it slow, and for <deity>’s sake, don’t make it any STRONGER!

Today I bring you a recent creation, dreamed up by my wife on Monday and whipped up by me minutes later…

Four-Cheese Macaroni

1. Get yourself one box each of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner: Three Cheese with Mini-Shell Pasta and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner: White Cheddar
2. Combine both boxes of pasta in a sufficient amount of boiling water
3. Boil for 7-8 minutes (11-13 metric), stirring whenever you can muster the courage
4. Drain water into something that won’t melt or scream
5. Stir in approximately 1/2 cup (0.0010081 barrel) of milk and 1/3 cup (21.333 fluid drams) of margarine or butter with the stove on low heat
6. Slowly stir in both packets of pseudo-cheese-product powder
7. Continue stirring until the entire thing is one color and no longer looks as much like it isn’t really cheese

According to the boxes, this makes 6 servings. If you are an actual adult human who hasn’t has gastric bypass surgery (the FDA “serving” definition is based on what a bypassed stomach will hold), then this makes 3-4 servings. If you are a big fat fucker like me, grab your favorite punch bowl and go to town on this single-serving delight.

Since I’ve only made and consumed this once, and only days ago at that, I make no promises about this combination plate for the lazy not causing lupus or ass-cancer.

For the initial entry, a classic from my childhood…

Cottage Cheese, Yogurt, and Applesauce

1. Procure a jar of applesauce. Any brand and style will do, though I find the best to be the finely-pureed variety without skins or added flavor (cinnamon, etc.).
2. Procure a tub of cottage cheese. Again, any brand, style, and degree of health-consciousness will do. It’s my understanding that small-curd is tangier than the large-curd type, but I usually go by desired texture. Arachnid and footstool are optional.
3. Procure some yogurt of the fruit-in or fruit-on-the-bottom variety. Any fruit will do. I typically prefer raspberry, blackberry, or boysenberry.
4. Combine cottage cheese, yogurt, an applesauce in approximately equal amounts in a bowl of suitable volume (2-3 cups or ~0.5 L).
5. Stir until well-mixed.
6. Find an unoccupied, private space.
7. Enjoy your delicious treat without asshole roommates happening by and comparing its appearance to a drunken sorority girl’s vomit.

I’m sure Tim will attest to the fact that I have, in fact, eaten this concoction in his presence, and that he was thoroughly disgusted by my doing so. I hope that you either enjoy this or else shake your head and wonder at the evil of it.

There will be more stupid recipes to come…