Okay…I’m probably going to catch some flack for this. I know this song has a great message about women valuing themselves and standing up to men who don’t treat them as well as they deserve. I get that and I respect that…as a concept. The execution, however, leaves something to be desired. Let’s check out the first verse…

According to you
I’m stupid,
I’m useless,
I can’t do anything right.

Okay…we’re starting off strong. No woman should put up being told this by anyone…ESPECIALLY not a man who is supposedly in love with them. But I question whether or not the man in this scenario actually SAYS these things. Why? Read on…

According to you
I’m difficult, hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I’m a mess in a dress,
can’t show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

Those are all very irritating qualities and, I would say, legitimate complaints. Do you know what it’s like when you’re trying to get somewhere and the person you’re going with makes you late…over and over again? Well Noah and I do because we lived with Andy for several years…it sucks. We still haven’t stopped giving him crap about that and neither of us is even banging him. (That I know of…Noah?) Being difficult to please and always changing your mind is not fun either. I’m beginning to think the first verses may just be her putting words in his mouth because she can’t take criticism.

But according to him
I’m beautiful, incredible, he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not, according to you.

Oh…I see. You’re working some other guy on the side. Took lessons from Motel and Bryan, did ya? I’m sure that you spending time with some other guy who is obviously sweet on you has absolutely NO detrimental effects on your current relationship. Way to go honey.

According to you
I’m boring, I’m moody,
you can’t take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I’m the girl with the worst attention span;
you’re the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

Really, you don’t sound like the best partner lady. You’re boring and moody, you have a short attention span, and you can’t tell jokes? Sounds like the blind date from hell. Plus, you appear to be overly sensitive when someone points it out. What a great combination. I can hear the wedding bells already.

But according to him
I’m beautiful, incredible, he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not, according to you.

Alright…I hate to burst your bubble, but OF COURSE he says that crap to you. He’s trying to get LAID! Guys say all sorts of things to get laid. I once told a girl I would watch the Blue Collar Comedy Tour with her. I’m not proud of it…but it’s what men do. Especially a man who sees an opportunity like a girl whining and complaining about how her boyfriend doesn’t “get” her. It also doesn’t hurt if she has a hot Australian accent and looks like this:

I’d tell you what you wanted to hear too! (In fact…I hope you never read this blog)

I need to feel appreciated,
like I’m not hated. oh– no–.
Why can’t you see me through his eyes?
It’s too bad you’re making me decide.

I’m guessing he can’t see you through the other dude’s eyes because he’s already hit that. Here’s a secret…sometimes a guy will have sex with a girl and THEN say to himself, “Wait…I don’t like her at all.” I know, it’s not cool. But when you see the chance to get some sweet, blonde, Australian tail; you’ll convince yourself that you are actually interested in more than just sex. But once you’ve had sex and you’re lying there next to a boring, moody, unfunny, procrastinator…you have a change of heart. You’ve got to give this guy credit. At least he stuck around. He didn’t sneak out and not call you again. He’s trying to work on it. He’s trying to get the relationship to a point where he can enjoy your company when you’re NOT naked…

According to me
you’re stupid,
you’re useless,
you can’t do anything right.

Sadly, you seem more interested in lashing out at the one guy who’s giving you honest feedback. Instead of jumping ship and hopping into the sack with the next guy who fills your head with lies about how funny it is when you quote lines from “Two and a Half Men,” maybe you should work on actually being somewhere when you say you’ll be there. No? That’s too bad. I can’t believe Michael Jackson was gonna take you with him on his tour. Maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just hiding from his difficult, hard to please, drama queen of a guitarist.

“I swear, if she shows up to rehearsal late ONE MORE TIME, I’m faking my own death!”

This one’s kind of a cheat because it’s simply fulfilling an obligation from this week’s TANcast. But basically watch as much of this video as you can stomach…

And then vote for what you think of it in our non-biased poll…

Bobby McFerrin has cavorted with powers most foul, selling his very soul for the ability to control the minds of men.

Tremble, children, for no matter what this dark-hearted fiend tries to tell you, now is the time to both worry and be unhappy.

PS: That was the World Science Festival 2009: Bobby McFerrin Demonstrates the Power of the Pentatonic Scale video posted by World Science Festival on Vimeo.

I am a Michael Jackson fan. I have been for a long time. My mom recently reminded me that my school pictures in kindergarten and 1st grade were of me wearing the same Michael Jackson shirt. (“People must have thought you didn’t own any other clothes”) I used to recreate his dance moves in talent shows which probably lead to me making a lot of my friends in middle school, high school and college. (It was nice of him to release a new album every time I changed schools to help me fit in) So I am sad to see him go…but I must confess to feeling mixed emotions on the subject…

Michael Jackson was a good example of what can happen with too much fame. And let’s be clear…the man was a superstar! These last few years, he’s usually been the punchline to a plastic surgery and/or child molestation joke, but from 1979 to 1993 the man was HUGE. The Jonas Brothers are like a small indie band compared to the success he had. People who HATE America LOVE Michael Jackson. Reconcile THAT in your head! Some dude is burning an American flag while listening to “Billie Jean” on his iPod.

But with all that success comes seclusion, partly by choice…but partly by being surrounded by a group of people who will never tell you “no.” So your contact with the “real” world is effectively severed, and you’re living in a world where everything is filtered through your yes men. This will undoubtedly have an effect on someone…and in Michael’s case, it seems to have turned him into the Benjamin Button of crazy. Which is why I have mixed feelings about his passing. I am sad to see this legend go, but kind of grateful that he’s not going to get any crazier.

As it is, I already kind of feel like the Michael Jackson that everyone is mourning for disappeared sometime in the early 90′s. So in a way, I’ve been missing him or a while already. But today I’ll play all my Michael Jackson songs, watch my copy of Captain EO, and maybe go find that shirt I wore in kindergarten (which sadly, still fits…in a super tight “metro” kinda way).

My condolences to Michael’s family…especially his children. I lost my father when I was 30 and it wrecked me…I can’t imagine if I’d lost him before I was even old enough to drive. I hope they remember their dad fondly…because, let’s face it, any man who had large portions of Disneyland re-created in his own backyard has got to be a good dad!

I am also sad for the world…I believe Michael had one more big thing to share with us and I’m sad we’ll never get a chance to hear/see it…it might have even been worth the crazy. I like to believe it would have been. But at least in his passing most people seem to be focusing on the great music, videos, and live performances he has left us. It’s a shame it took his passing for us to appreciate his talent again.

I want to try and post here, so here is my attempt at that. I have so many ideas of regular things I could blog about but I get lazy. One idea I had was to watch crappy Comcast On Demand movies and write about it but writing has never been my strong suit. Maybe I could do a mini podcast. For now we will start with some music I like.

This song had me as soon as it started playing. I think it was the hand clapping and stomping that got me. I also really harmonizing between the girls and it is a song that makes you want to get out there and drop it like it is hot. I first heard heard of Tilly and The Wall on NPR All Songs Considered and I started checking out there stuff. This song is a few years old now but I just love it. There are some songs that you like but know it is just a fling and in a few weeks you will tired of it and move on to the next hot thing. This feels like a song for years to come, I will be listening to.

Noah

“No it doesn’t I listen to ______ music. And it is awesome.”

I invite you to take a page from F. Scott Fitzgerald: “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.”

So I say unto you, “Your music sucks and it is also awesome.”

While listening to my iPod on random the other day I came upon the 1999 song from Montell Jordan, “Get It On Tonight.” This is a prime example of an awesome song that sucks. I like this groove (that’s why it’s on my iPod) but have you ever really LISTENED to the lyrics? Lucky for you I typed them out…

When I’m looking at you I keep thinking
Why can’t she be like you, so I’m scheming
I can’t go on like this
Believing that her love is true.

So it starts off reasonably enough. It sounds like a guy is going to break up with his girlfriend to chase some other woman. Morally questionable but not abominable at this point. (Unless that’s his wife he’s walking out on…c’mon, dude. Man up! Don’t puss out just because some hot chick walks in)

Standing on the dance floor while she’s trickin’
You are all I want girl, she’s a chicken
We might be together, but love is missing
Girl I want you, so what can we do?

And here is where it takes the stupid turn. Apparently he’s not breaking up with his girl…just cheating on her. That’s bad enough…but apparently he’s scoping out another woman right in front of her at the club?! Dude…what are you thinking? Even the morons on “Cheaters” aren’t this stupid! She’s not gonna be sitting there drinking long. They’re gonna be pulling shards of her drinking glass out of you for the next week!

Girl if it’s alright
Let’s go somewhere and get it on tonight
I’ve got a girl but you look good tonight
It’s one on one tonight, tonight
Girl if it’s alright
Let’s go somewhere and get it on tonight
You shouldn’t have to be alone tonight
It’s one on one tonight, tonight

This chorus is the most polite, yet poorly reasoned overture to infidelity ever. He wants to have meaningless sex with this girl…but only if it’s “alright.” Well, Montel, it ain’t alright. It’s all wrong! Especially your reason “I’ve got a girl but you look good tonight.” Leaving aside the implication that this new girl only looks good “tonight,” is that the whole reason you’re cheating?! She “looks good?” Pace yourself, son. Lots of women look good. You can’t go around humping them all.

Now she’s looking at me, but keep talking
Oh, now she’s trying to ice you, let’s start walking
Over on the dance floor
It’s her fault but what can she do?
Tell me baby, yeah

So now your girlfriend has caught on to what you’re up to and is going to “ice you. (Urban Dictionary says: “To embaress or insult some one badly.” …I thought “ice” meant kill. THAT might be a bit of an overreaction) So your solution to being discovered chatting it up with another girl is to take her on the dance floor and cut a rug? Brilliant. I know how my wife would handle this situation if I did that to her…basically I would not be here to tell you about it. So don’t ask “what can she do?’” or you may find out the hard way…like John Wayne Bobbitt did. Then the douche repeats the chorus until we get this interchange…

Douche Bag Guy: Girl if you’re ready
Dumb Whore: I’m ready
Douche Bag Guy: We can get it on
Dumb Whore: We can get it on
Douche Bag Guy: I know where I went wrong
Dumb Whore: She’s where you went wrong
Douche Bag Guy: With you is where I belong, belong

Now you may say that the title “Dumb Whore” is a bit harsh for this young lady. Well, I take my cue form the evidence provided so far. Here is the information she’s been given from the guy:

1. I have a girl
2. She’s standing right there
3. I want to bang your brains out anyway

To which she essentially replies, “Let’s do this!”

In my eyes, that is a dumb whore.

Girl if I could find the words to say
I gotta get away from a love
That kills me everyday
I’d gladly say to you

I’m no Dr. Phil, or Dr. Drew…or even Dr. Pepper, but if that love is killing you everyday…sleeping with some stranger in a bar is not going to make that better. It will make things worse…especially if she SEES you…which, as we’ve established, she has.

Girl if it’s alright
My baby’s stressin’ me
You need to come with me
We need to go somewhere, yeah
Tonight, tonight

This is his random blatherings as the song comes to a close. So I guess we are supposed to assume that they did indeed get it on that night. But how? Perhaps I’m old fashioned, but back in my dating days, if I went out to a club with a lady, I drove. So how is his girl getting home? Is he gonna sneak out and ditch her there? Now not only is he a cheater, but he’s stranding her at the club…where she clearly doesn’t even want to be (she’s not dancing, after all).

But lets say they drove separately…he still has to explain what he’s doing with the rest of his night. Sure he could say he’s tired, but she just watched him dance with the Dumb Whore all night.

Bottom line…don’t try this at home, kids. It’s a good song with a horrible message and an even more horrible plot.

…oh crap…I just found the Music video on YouTube. Stay tuned…another blog is comin’….

Song:hall of heads
Artist:they might be giants
Album:apollo 18

Song:so right
Artist:dave matthews band
Album:everyday

Song:telegram
Artist:saul Williams
Album:saul Williams

Song:evolution
Artist:gift of gab
Album:fourth dimensional rocketships going up

Song:take it off
Artist:de la soul
Album:3 feet high and rising

Song:legend
Artist:deep sky
Album:digital empire vol. 2

Song:emotions
Artist:mariah carey
Album:#1′s

Song:lets Party
Artist:pauleone
Album:da drought vol. 2

Song:peter piper (j. period remix)
Artist:j. period and game rebellion
Album:searching for rick rubin

Song:keith turbo
Artist:kool keith
Album:black elvis lost in space

In the song above I can pick out James Taylor, 50 Cent, Nas, Pixies and Weezer.

Another Girl Talk song for your enjoyment or not depending on your musical tastes.

I have varied taste in music, most of which my finacee claims is lame or old people music. I leave it up to you dear reader. Watch the video below and judge for yourself.

Is that like a onesy/jumpy suit she is wearing? Very attractive. I am not really sure why I like this song, it is just kind of catchy. I am watching this video and should she really be touching those levers? Is she trained in the science of trains? Did she go to conductor school? I don’t think she did. Now she is doing a little bit of pole dancing. Work it girl! With your kind of boyish haircut but she is still oddly kind of cute. There they go off into the sunset or whatever. So there it is a gay song I like, don’t judge. Stay tuned for more lame/old people music and a new Tancast is coming soon.

PS: FROG enclosure.