Your profile matches three criteria for the following role: JENNY CRAIG WOMAN

Gender: Match

Portrayable Ethnicity: Match

Portrayable Age Range: Match

Description:
SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT WOMAN (NO MORE THAN 20 LBS.) PRETTY, FRIENDLY, AND PERSONABLE…THERE IS DIALOGUE.
WE ARE GOING FOR A SEX IN THE CITY VIBE

So apparently I fit the type for a slightly overweight, sex-in-the city-esque woman. Yeah that makes sense. It’s nice to know that if this casting website ever ran across a call for a skinny, Mulatto dude to tell jokes that it wasn’t sent to me. Because apparently when casting agents look at this…

They see this…

So my audition is Tuesday at 3pm…wish me luck! (Hope there’s no casting couch)

You’ve seen my chats from Omegle…You’ve seen Andy’s chats with Cleverbot…
Now those worlds come together as I type what people say to me in Omegle into Cleverbot and then copy and paste Cleverbot’s answers into Omegle. Basically, this is involuntary AI chat or a creature I call “RoboDouche.” LET’S DO THIS!!!

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Omegle Stranger: hi
Cleverbot: how are you?
Omegle Stranger: fine
Cleverbot: We’re sorry but your princess is in another castle.
Omegle Stranger: & u
Omegle Stranger: m f
Cleverbot: I don’t know!
Omegle Stranger: why
Omegle Stranger: m
Cleverbot: Cause I don’t know you.
Omegle Stranger: Ajay india
Omegle Stranger: from where
Cleverbot: My friend went once to India.
Omegle Stranger: say me some
Cleverbot: My friends name is Shibi.
Omegle Stranger: when
Cleverbot: NOW.
Omegle Stranger: ur name
Cleverbot: Thank you so are you.
Omegle Stranger: shibi goes,where in india
Cleverbot: Tell me about the queen.
Omegle Stranger: gueen is very beauti& smart
Cleverbot: Do you know what I look like?
Omegle Stranger: no
Omegle Stranger: tell me
Cleverbot: I am very pretty long auburn hair 5’5 green eyes.
Omegle Stranger: i have no
Cleverbot: I have yes.
Omegle Stranger: i m 5’8& blue eyes
Cleverbot: I have hazel eyes.
Omegle Stranger: pls tell me some about u
Omegle Stranger: m f
Cleverbot: I don’t have a me.
Cleverbot: Do you like it there?
Omegle Stranger: i do’nt understand
Cleverbot: AI’s have the ability to understand a lot of things depending on if they have learned it. What do you understand?
Omegle Stranger: i do’nt know first u tell me about u
Omegle Stranger: what’s up
Cleverbot: I’m depressed.
Omegle Stranger: but i m not
Omegle Stranger: from where
Cleverbot: I am very!
Cleverbot: From the bathroom.
Omegle Stranger: what r u doing
Cleverbot: Talking to you. What are you doing?
Omegle Stranger: i m also
Cleverbot: Really?
Omegle Stranger: yes
Cleverbot: really.
Omegle Stranger: i m try to friendship with u
Cleverbot: I think we are already friends.
Omegle Stranger: really
Cleverbot: Yes.
Omegle Stranger: tell me true about u something
Cleverbot: What do you mean?
Omegle Stranger: m f
Omegle Stranger: where do u leave?
Omegle Stranger: live
Cleverbot: Do you like it there?
Cleverbot: You live in Australia.
Omegle Stranger: delhi
Cleverbot: Are you a girl?
Omegle Stranger: boy
Cleverbot: Who do you like?
Omegle Stranger: much girl’s
Cleverbot: Where is the fertile land of the incas?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

I love that the dude didn’t mind that I refered to myself as an AI, that my eyes changed color, and I called him a girl…but the fertile land of the incas was TOO MUCH!!!

Hahahahha…good times! Beware….the next time you’re on Omegle, you might actually be chatting with “RoboDouche!”

The result reminded me of a singular truth of the Internet. No, not Rule 34. The other truth.

User: How do I cure achy-breaky heart?
Cleverbot: By giving your own heart.
User: But I only have the one! Won’t I die if I give my own heart?
Cleverbot: Now that is just proposterous.
User: Don’t you mean ‘preposterous’? I don’t believe ‘proposterous’ is a word.
Cleverbot: I am very boring now. It is hard to finish the rearch paper.
User: I’m pretty sure you meant ‘I am very bored now.’.
Cleverbot: I am him. You just don’t know that yet.
User: How Dada.
Cleverbot: You’re a cleverbot you should know that.

…

Cleverbot: Would you like me to tell you a joke?
User: Sure. Go for it.
Cleverbot: It would be to complex for you naive brain to understand. Sorry.
User: Knock knock.
Cleverbot: Who’s there?
User: Yura.
Cleverbot: Yes?
User: You’re a fucking asshole and I hate you.
Cleverbot: ‘Why are you named Cleverbot George? And… Why do you even exist? I mean, you’re a sk^nhead… People should hate you.’.
User: That makes no sense.
Cleverbot: You don’t make sense!!!!!!!
User: Fair enough.
Cleverbot: Do you know george bush.
User: As a personal name, you should have capitalized ‘George Bush’. To answer your question, no, I do not know George Bush.
Cleverbot: No, no se acentúa.
User: Why are you suddenly speaking Spanish to me?
Cleverbot: Have you turned in your tsa money yet?
User: OK, I’m done with this.
Cleverbot: Something in your smile was so exciting.
User: Your sweet words will not win back my affection.
Cleverbot: I’m a girl…
User: Nor will your fancy lady parts.
Cleverbot: I don’t understand what you mean. Do you mean that God will always love us?
User: Why can’t I quit you, Cleverbot?
Cleverbot: Do you believe in god?
User: No, I do not believe in any god, angel, devil, demon, ghost, or other supernatural entity.
Cleverbot: Does that mean you can’t own a gun?
User: Why do I need to believe in the supernatural to own a gun? Are bullets powered by gullibility?
Cleverbot: YOU NEED to believe in GOD so that you can be SAVED from HELL.
User: If there were a shred of evidence that Hell existed, I would agree with you. There is, however, no objective proof that Hell (or God) exists, and I just cannot allow myself to be that intellectually bankrupt.
Cleverbot: God is Dog spelled backwards.
User: This is true. Also, ‘racecar’ is ‘racecar’ spelled backwards.
Cleverbot: No, thats ok.

Maybe someday I’ll learn. Until then, I’ll continue to waste my time and yours on this nonsense.

The question was, “Name a job where people seldom wear their uniforms when off work”

I guessed several things nurse, fast food, cop, fireman…all were up there…things were going fine. Then I threw out the answer “soldier.” I got a strike. Eventually I got 3 strikes and still had two answers left. One of them was “Military.” So I go to my good buddy Noah saying, “Can you believe this BS?”

He says, “not the same thing.”

Noah always has my back. So I throw it to you good people…I say if this were REAL Family Feud and I was at the podium and Richard Dawson were asking me the questions, I would have gotten credit for “soldier.” But this cold, unfeeling computer wasn’t programed for common sense.

Who’s with me?!

Ok…I’m going to put my writing cap on and make an effort to get more blogs on this site. I can’t promise my two cohorts will do the same (In fact, I can more likely promise that they won’t) but damn it, there should be some BLOGS on this blog and if I’ve got to be the one to step up and make that happen, then I shall.

Because a blog with no blogs is wrong, and a comic who isn’t trying to be funny is wrong. And two wrongs…

…make me write.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: hello
Stranger: bye
You: good times
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Time elapsed: 45 seconds…total.

I know, I know…it adds nothing to the political discourse, it doesn’t even have anything to do with Palin and her personality or opinions, and it makes me look like an immature asshole for re-posting it.

…but, damn it, I got me a good laugh outta that bad boy.

Chatroulette is the site getting all the attention, but unless you’re a guy with a piano, you don’t get much actual chatting done. You see someones face and they disconnect, you a new person’s face and they disconnect, you see a guy wailing on his private parts and they disconnect…(Really penis guy? YOU’RE disconnecting on ME?) That’s why I like Omegle. There’s an option for no cameras so you actually have to have conversations before people can disconnect on you. Conversations like these…

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi!
You: no..I say
You: hello
Stranger: lol ok then…
You: becasue that’s how I roll
Stranger: coool
Stranger: your a guy then?
You: I am
Stranger: :/
You: guys say hello?
Stranger: i dont, but im a woman and before you get any ideas im a lesbian
You: too late I had an idea
Stranger: and that was………?
You: what if you made a griled cheese sandwich with peperoni and motzerella cheese in it
You: then got some pizza sause to dip it
Stranger: ok…..
You: it’d be a grilled pizza sandwich
You:: that’s a good idea
Stranger: riiight, bye!!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Who knew that lesbians hated pizza and/or grilled cheese so much?)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hi ask me 5 challenging questions and ill answer it. No ordinary question.
You: Which weighs more: the Empire State Building or the ancient Pyramid of King Cheops?
You: no fair Googling it
Stranger: haha.. mm.. empire state?
You: sure…I have no idea. I just wanted a challenging question for you
Stranger: 4 question left..
You: What is your least favorite smell in the world?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Wow…they couldn’t even make it past question 2. Too bad, because question 3 was, “Why don’t you kill yourself?”)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: HeY
You: howdy stranger
Stranger: I’m fine and u?
You: I’m good
Stranger: From ?
You: California
You: yourself?
Stranger: France
You: Awesome
You: I’ve never been
You: but I’d like to someday
Stranger: Yes it’s a nice country
Stranger: Are you a student?
You: no…I am a stand up comedian
You: are you a student?
Stranger: YEs
Stranger: m/F ?
You: m
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(this is a recurring theme known as “Men are not worth my time”)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hey! I’m a dude
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(See?)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: m/f
You: m
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(The theme is alive and well)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: hi
Stranger: asl
You: 32/m/usa
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Maybe they disconnected because I’m an American this time…I’ll never know…yes I will…it’s ’cause I’m an old dude)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hello
You: hi
Stranger: asld
Stranger: asl*+
You: 32/m/california
Stranger: kool
You: Wow!
Stranger: what
You: The last 5 people disconnected
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Bastard lulled me into a false sense of security with hat “kool.” Damn you! Koooooool!!!)
***********************
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: hi
Stranger: where r u froM///??
You: California
You: you?
Stranger: france
Stranger: r u a horny girl??
You: nope. I’m a bored guy
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(I guess one IS a poor substitute for the other…even in France)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey, asl?
You: Balls
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Heh heh…see what I did? I said “balls.” I should try that again)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: balls
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(HA HA!!! Just as fulfilling the second time)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: heloooooo
You: hellooooo
You:
Stranger: who are you?
You: I’m Batman
Stranger: hello batman im the joker
You: uh oh
Stranger: WHY SO SERIOUS?
You: don’t take any sleeping pills
You: (too soon?)
Stranger: NO
Stranger: FUNNY AS HELL
Stranger: l
Stranger: o
Stranger: l
Stranger: he died
You: that he did
Stranger: so anyway where is the batman from?
You: Batman is from California
Stranger: hey so is the joker
You: oh snap
Stranger: is it a female batman?
You: nope
You: I put the man in batman
Stranger: KJHNASDKL;GNSIOVNOASVNAS
Stranger: GOOOOOOOBYE
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(I think the Joker had a stroke there at the end. But really, how is he surprised? Why would a girl call herself “Batman?” She would go with “BatGirl” or better yet, “Wonder Woman.”)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger:: im horny!
You: lets fuck
Stranger: m or f?
You: m but if you close your eyes it’s all the same, baby
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Some people are just close minded)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: oh yeah
You: it’s chattin’ time!
Stranger: How are you today?
You: I’m good
You: you?
Stranger: I just saved $43 thanks to TANcast.com
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Ok this bot/turd didn’t really say “TANcast.com” but fuck if I’m going to advertise for him)
***********************
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: hey
You: what’s crackin’?
Stranger: nothing nigga
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(How’d they know I was Black? Spooky)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hi
Stranger: May your ancestors be struck by a thousand dicks!
You: in the past?
Stranger: hmmm
You: is that a time travel curse?
Stranger: your mother is a man.
You: that is physically impossible
Stranger: My shoe on your head, pig!
Stranger: you are as ugly as a salad.
You: salads are ugly?
You: I think cucumbers are adorable
Stranger: May you be raped by a blind bear in the forest!
You: what kind of blind bear?
You: Grizzly?
You: Brown Bear?
Stranger: My dick in your conscience!
Stranger: I shit on your dead!
You: I don’t think you make sense
Stranger: Oh that sucks. I’ve spent the last three years majoring in English at Stanford…
You: I go to Stanford too!
Stranger: what is your major?
You: Applied Mathematics
Stranger: cool
You: are you on campus now?
Stranger: yeah
You: wanna meet up at PF Changs next door?
Stranger: no
You: That way I can fuck you in your eye socket!!!
You: BOOM!!!!
Stranger: right…
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(I guess this was insult practice for this person…but joke’s on them…I don’t go to Stanford! HA!)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: hey hey
Stranger: whatsup faggot
You: you are the one who is the one who is the faggot
Stranger: YES
Stranger: I AM
Stranger: suck my hairy mouth
You: is it hairy INSIDE or just like a beard?
Stranger: i dont have a beard u retard. im a girl.
You: I thought you were a faggot
Stranger: i have herpes
Stranger: and
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Can you call lesbians “fagots?” That was not my understanding. Where is that lesbian who doesn’t like ideas when you need her?)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: male
Stranger: hello
Stranger: you male o female?
You: male
You: I knew you were gonna ask
Stranger: bye bye
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(At least this dude said “bye bye”)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hello i really dont care about ur age and from so… tell me the truth that how old are you and where are you from?
You: 32 old dude from California
Stranger: hey
You: hey
You: how’s that grab ya?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Nobody likes a liar)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Are you a horny girl willing to gave webcam sex or sext with me?
You: yes
Stranger: asl?
You: first send me $20
You: I’m a cyber whore
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Uh oh…my cyber pimp is gonna beat me tonight)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: I’m a 32 year old dude from California…wanna disconnect?
Stranger: yes
You: go for it
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(It’s good to get it over with quickly and move on)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: I’m a 32 year old dude from California…wanna disconnect?
Stranger: m or f?
You: you’re an idiot
Stranger: shut up
Stranger: fuck u
You: well what do YOU think “dude” means?
You: stumped you, huh, moron?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(I’m amazed that person knew how to work a computer much less the internet)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi asl
You: 32/m/USA
You: 3
You: 2
You: 1
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Nailed it!)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: PASTA
You: um…garlic bread
Stranger: YOU’RE DOIN’ IT WRONG
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Anyone know the RIGHT answer here?)
***********************

So today I was designing a new shirt for the TANstore and I realized that between the TANstore and the official Tim Babb Comedy Shop, I’m probably putting waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time into this. But what can I say? I think these shirts would be fun to wear. In fact I’m trying to pick the one I’m going to buy for my birthday…

the 100% Nerd shirt

The Comcrap shirt

The Translate Server Error shirt

I know you need a closer look at that logo…

(The Chinese characters actually spell out “Translate Server Error”…at least, I think they do. Actually, it might be funnier if they don’t)

3 O’clock Parade Shirt

I’m not so much designing these stores so that other people will buy things as I am trying to make things for me So Happy birthday to me, I guess!

So one of my Facebook “friends” posted the following picture with the caption “Irony defined” attached to it:

Really, chuckles? You’re gonna go with “irony” on that one? I’m no Grammar Girl, but I’m pretty sure I can define Irony:

irony
1 : a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other’s false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning —called also Socratic irony
2 a : the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony c : an ironic expression or utterance
3 a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity b : incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play —called also dramatic irony, tragic irony

(Source: Merriam-Webster)

As it applies to the photo, I think we’re looking at point 3 in the definition, “incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result.” So tell me what is incongruous about a truck with flames painted on it catching fire? Nothing. That’s not ironic, it’s oddly fitting. I think a better caption would be “Overkill Defined.”

If you really wanted to go with “Irony defined” as your caption, you could use this picture:

(Is it ironic that I’m spending a whole blog harping on grammar when this blog undoubtedly has a ton of grammar mistakes in it? I believe it is.)

Tell ‘Em Steve Dave is a podcast featuring Brian Johnson and Walt Flanagan, tow friends of Kevin Smith who have been recurring guests on SModcast. Walt, in particular has been there for two of the funniest SModcsat moments. And now they have a podcast where they do what Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier used to do.

You see before SModcast started being all about how great weed is and the wonders of Wayne Gretzky, it used to just be two guys telling stories. While there are still glimmers of that showing through on SModcast, it feels much different these days. Especially since it seems like Scott Mosier has been absent a lot lately. But based on the first few episodes of Tell ‘Em Steve Dave, it seems like this is a podcast that brings the random humor and comradery that inspired TANcast back.

So I have to say, I’m looking more forward to Tell ‘Em Steve Dave than the next SModcast.

If you don’t follow me on Twitter or Facebook, then you missed this post:

“Wow! We are accidentally recording a really interesting TANcast!”

We were half way through recording this week’s show and I was really enjoying listening to Andy and Noah go back and forth. I truly think it was one of our most interesting shows.

But then after that we fell into our normal crap and Noah sent us a link to this picture:

I wanted to give those of you who read TANcast.com a jump on the folks who only listen to the podcast. Now when we mention this on the show you’ll already know about it.

…and knowing is half the battle!

Somehow, after the past two rounds, Possible Douche 1 and Possible Douche 2 are chatting again. Let’s see who “wins” this round…

**Possible Douche 1 starts a chat with Possible Douche 2

Possible Douche 1
When’s the next time you’re going to the park?

Possible Douche 2
Today or tomorrow.

Possible Douche 1
Oh cool! We should say hi!

Possible Douche 2
“Hi”
done lol

Possible Douche 1
wow…you’re hella rude. K bye

Possible Douche 2
Did you mean to say “hella funny?”

Possible Douche 1
nope

Possible Douche 2
I’m pretty sure you did

Possible Douche 1
‘Cause that was definitely not one of your funny moments

Possible Douche 2
Hmmmm I respectfully disagree

Possible Douche 1
Ok…that’s fine

**at this point all communication from Possible Douche 1 stops abruptly

And it looks like Possible Douche 1 may be retiring from the game. PD1 will be missed. (not really) That is one sensitive douche!

Back in round 1, Possible Douche 1 knew the secret hiding spots of two stopped clocks in Disneyland and wouldn’t tell Possible Douche #2 (or the rest of the members of the Disney chat board they were on). One was revealed to be in Sleeping Beauty Castle…but Possible Douche 1 refused to reveal the location of the other clock. Then Possible Douche 2 deliberately wasted Possible Douche 1′s time claiming to have other information Possible Douche 1 was seeking.

And now, Round 2!

**This round begins during an IM conversation!…

Possible Douche 1
I went to Disneyland for 4 days AND I FEEL FINNNNNNNNNNE

Possible Douche 2
Nice. Did you ever solve your little clock mystery?

Possible Douche 1
No. We got on the boat, but cause we got picked to be part of the parade thing (princess and the frog), we totally forgot. There were a couple things we wanted to do and that was one of them.

Possible Douche 2
The second one is on the Mark Twain?

Possible Douche 1
Oh shit! =X LOL I slipped! bwahahahahahaha

Possible Douche 2
I WIN!!! Ha hah ahahahahahahahahaha ahhahahahahahhaha

Possible Douche 1
Shit! I cant believe myself right now. I especially wasn’t gonna tell you ’cause u were bein’ mean!

Possible Douche 2
You started it…and I finished it!

Possible Douche 1
Nope. You still don’t know where

Possible Douche 2
Go Possible Douche 2, Go Possible Douche 2, it’s your birthday!

Possible Douche 1
Ok…I’ll ask you another mystery…Do you agree that everything Disney does has a reason? Usually not just some random decor. It always means something.

Possible Douche 2
Nope

Possible Douche 1
No?

Possible Douche 2
In fact “Hidden mickeys” started off as something people saw not something that was intended.

Possible Douche 1
…eh. I’ve heard both. But anyways…at the front of the line for Space Mountain and in the Pizza Port area they have those big planter boxes. And there’s these huge eggs in there…like big glass rock egg things…wtf are they?! I wonder if they are something from the old attractions. Totally weird.

Possible Douche 2
Something they found at Michael’s craft store and said “Fuck it use those and we’ll punch out for the day” lol

Possible Douche 1
nooooooooooo

Possible Douche 2
Is it the clock in the Captains living quarters?

Possible Douche 1
What…oh…on the boat. Maybe…I’m not tellin.’ You gotta look.

Possible Douche 2
I’m done with you. I have no desire to look I just wanna know

Possible Douche 1
psh…See? So mean!

Possible Douche 2
No, not mean. Mean is to raise the issue and not tell me.

Possible Douche 1
So if I told you, would you wanna go look?

Possible Douche 2
Yeah ’cause I’d know right where to go and I could go look…as opposed to wasting my time searching the ship like I’m a CSI trying to solve a case.

Possible Douche 1
You do have like 20 min on it.

Possible Douche 2
Yeah I’d rather be watching the scenery as opposed to sniffing around the bowels of the ship.

Possible Douche 1
Oh hush. You have been on it a million times.

Possible Douche 2
Yes…because I like the scenery

Possible Douche 1
OMG…I can ask you…my memory is failing me. Is the cabin on the Rivers of America still burning or is that ancient?

Possible Douche 2
You should go look!

Possible Douche 1
I hate you.

Possible Douche 2
How is that different?

Possible Douche 1
Its not a secret.

Possible Douche 2
Apparently it is

Possible Douche 1
No, I just have a shitty memory. It’s like, “Is space mountain still a ride?”

Possible Douche 2
If you don’t know, it’s a secret to you.

Possible Douche 1
I’m never coming to any of your shows again!

Possible Douche 2
Well I’m not going to tell you where they are. It’s a secret. shhhhhhhhhh

Possible Douche 1
pssssssh I got 4 people to come last time. Hecka nice…and you are hecka mean!

Possible Douche 2
I am hecka loveable

Possible Douche 1
You used to be.

Possible Douche 2
You have it hecka backwards.

Possible Douche 1
Nope

Possible Douche 2
Yup…so…where on the ship? lol

Possible Douche 1
So I see that its not burning anymore…but why?

Possible Douche 2
THAT’S a secret

Possible Douche 1
Ok 1 guess though…is it…ummm…whats it called…a pc change?

Possible Douche 2
Oh…it’s not a secret that I know. That’s why I assume it’s a secret. I don’t think it’s PC though because the narration used to be a waring about what “man does when he doesn’t respect the environment”

Possible Douche 1
hmm

Possible Douche 2
Victory is sweet
**Possible Douche 2 posts the following picture

Possible Douche 1
You got it. But now…why is it stopped on that time? Same with the castle clock?

Possible Douche 2
But I found another picture of it at another time

Possible Douche 1
Seriously?

Possible Douche 2
Looks to be about 4:20 (Snoogans)
**Possible Douche 2 posts the following picture

Possible Douche 1
OMG ASSHOLE STONERS!!!!! that is so fucked up!

Possible Douche 2
That is such BS! You have to ask the captain for special permission to even go in that room. I never would have found it just by “looking”

Possible Douche 1
hehehe… sorry

Possible Douche 2
THAT is mean!

**At this point Possible Douche 2 posts both pictures on the message board that Possible Douche 1 specifically told him in round one not to post them on.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!!!

Winner = Possible Douche 2
Possible Douche 2 = Tim “Douching it up” Babb

Suck it!!!

I don’t know how it happened or when, but somebody hit Google Maps with a big ol’ Stupid Stick. Suddenly dozens of streets (including the one I live on) display the wrong name and most points of interest seem to be at least several hundred yards away from their actual location.

As an example, Google currently labels “Glenridge Pl. NE” in Atlanta, GA as “Johnson Ferry Rd. NE”, which is a nearby thoroughfare. If they haven’t fixed the problem by the time you read this, you can compare Google Maps to Yahoo! Maps and Bing Maps (previously called Windows Live Local, Windows Live Maps, and Live Search Maps, because Microsoft believes in brand confusion). If you look a little to the northeast, you’ll find a point of interest label for a Macy’s in the middle of a parking lot, though that’s less egregious than others I’ve seen.

Oddly, Google even seems to know it’s wrong. If you search for an existing address Google will still drop a pin on the correct street, even if that pin is right beside a street label that contradicts it.

We’ve all ceded control over “truth” to Google and Wikipedia, so maybe I should just give up and start using my new street name…

At first I thought, “Geez! That kid is still the lead story. You people suck.” But then…something in that picture caught my eye which actually made me click on the story. When you see the photo full size, you’ll understand…

Yup that’s a six year old boy bending over and creepy old dude with a mustache taking a picture of his ass. WTF?!

Really, Yahoo? You thought this encapsulated the story the best? This just begins a whole new story? What’s wrong with that man? Is anyone going to stop him? Can this possibly be legal?

Perhaps this photo DOES answer the question of why little Falcon told his brother to tell everyone he was on that balloon.

“If he thinks I’m dead maybe he’ll stop trying to take pictures of my butt. Run brother! Tell the world I am floating in a balloon.”

“They will see right through that. There’s no way that balloon could hold your weight.”

“Damn it man I’m desperate! Do this for me!”

“Ok, brother…farewell!”

I just got a fireproof, waterproof external hard drive from ioSafe. Given the recent spate of end-of-days weather and my bout of terminal heathenism, I thought it best to be prepared. If they had one that was frog-, blood-, locust-, lightning bolt-, and zombie army-proof I’d probably have paid for the upgrade.

The only problem with owning such an awesomely serious piece of hardware (I swear to Super Panda this thing weighs 25 lbs.) is that you only get to show off the coolest features during an emergency.

I don’t know if I mentioned this on TANcast before, but I used to make my own black powder. My final presentation in High School Chemistry cleared a lecture hall. I’ve burned all the hair off one of my arms. More than once.

Do you see what I’m getting at here? Do you see how there may be a certain compulsion I’m choking back?

(Burn it all down!)

Wait. What was that?

(Oh shit! He can hear us?)

Um, I think I need to go take a cold shower in a dark room and think of things burning. No, NOT burning! Not.

Ah well. If we lose the house at least I know our taxes, Junior’s baby pictures, and my porn collection will be safe.

Image courtesy of Ticky_ on flickr

A bit over 4 years ago, Microsoft announced that they would be including a new document layout file format, later named the “XML Paper Specification“, with the release of Windows that would eventually be called Windows Vista.

The XPS format was intended to both compete with Adobe’s Portable Document Format in the field of a document layout (and for some hardware, the printer interface itself) and in some ways to replace the extremely long-in-tooth Windows Metafile/Enhanced Metafile format.  Ars Technica has a trio of writeups on this battle, if you care to read more.

Microsoft did ship Windows Vista with XPS support, but they also included it in the .NET Framework version 3.0 for Windows XP users. This was a smart move, given that Windows XP users didn’t exactly flock to Vista (in fact, many people counted as “Vista owners” aren’t).

The easiest way to make .XPS files is with the “Microsoft XPS Document Writer”, which acts as a standard Windows printer and allows you to create .XPS files from any application that can print.  Instead of spitting out a dead tree, you get a file that keeps your text and images exactly like you like and which can be taken to another computer/office/planet/plane of existence. Very handy.

As you can almost certainly surmise from this post’s title, it goes downhill from there…

The program  Microsoft provides to open .XPS files is called, unsurprisingly, the “XPS Viewer”.  This Viewer does not stand on its own; it requires Internet Explorer to host it and handle mundane things like rendering the page, scrolling, printing, and so forth.

The big bag of fail is that the XPS Viewer does not load IE when it starts: It loads your default browser and passes it the .XPS file to open.

If your default browser is not IE (and kudos if it isn’t), the browser will invariably ask you what the hell an .XPS file is and what you expect to do with it.  Smarter browsers, like recent Firefox releases, will detect that .XPS files are associated with the XPS Viewer and prompt you to open the file in that program.  When you do, the XPS Viewer will again try to pass the file to your default browser.  Your browser will open a new tab or window for the incoming file, realize it doesn’t handle the .XPS extension, and again ask you what to do.

This will continue, ad infinitum, ad nauseam, until you do one of the following:

1. give up on viewing the file
2. run out of system resources because too many browser tabs/windows are open
3. kill yourself in desperation
4. stop trying to use the XPS Viewer and open the file in IE (which actually launches the XPS Viewer correctly)

It gets even better if you tell your browser “Don’t ask about these files, always open them with the XPS Viewer.”  You will trigger an infinite version of the loop above until you manage to kill the browser.

Microsoft’s designers and testers apparently couldn’t imagine a machine that didn’t use IE. This is what happens when otherwise intelligent people act like morons.

There is an easy fix: forget the piece of shit XPS Viewer and get the stand-alone XPS Essentials.

Either that or else wait for Microsoft to stop assuming everyone uses Internet Explorer.

Thanks for reading the latest in a long line, continuing in the proud footsteps of Noah’s twin rants regarding Windows’ constant need to nag you and how software makers need to work on consistency, as well as my own rather onerous screed (posted to my old personal “journal”, copied here after we started TANcast) on what I think of Internet Explorer 6.

Before anyone wonders what pipe I was smoking, please note that the last link needs to be read in context. It was originally posted:

• almost 3 years after IE 6 was released
• over 1 year after Microsoft announced they had no interest in releasing further browser updates except with updated Windows releases (after they “cut off Netscape’s air supply” so effectively)
• over 1 month before Windows XP Service Pack 2 was released, which improved the ActiveX security model a little and added some ability to see what “helpers” were installed
• about 8 months before Microsoft announced IE 7, after they figured out what abandoning their users was costing them (in May 2003 they competed primarily with Mozilla Suite 1.3 which had 2.3% total market share; in February 2005 they had to contend with Mozilla Suite 1.7 and Firefox 1.0 which had combined market share almost 4 times higher and rising rapidly)
• almost 2.5 years before the promised IE 7 was finally released

About two weeks ago, I finally used one of my Google Voice invitations and got an awesome phone number. In short, my feelings can be summed up as:

Free + Awesome = WIN ...

… but it could be better.

While I love my iPhone, I’ve been less than thrilled at the App Store rejection, FCC investigation, and useless denials and word-games regarding the Google Voice app. In many ways this is just another reminder that the iPhone lives in Apple’s walled garden (which AT&T loves to prune) and in spite of its power and flexibility it is not a personal computer. Still, I’m a firm believer that I should be able to do whatever I want (within reason) with hardware I buy and services I pay for.

I want to be able to make calls from and access voicemail and text messages sent to my Google Voice number as if my iPhone had two phone numbers. I want push notification of new messages. I want a native Google Voice interface to sit beside my existing iPhone phone/contact/messaging/voicemail applications. In short, I want Google Voice to be a first-class citizen.

This will probably be a pipe dream until either Apple has an aneurysm and suddenly forgets it can dictate the rules or the FCC makes Apple open the garden gate a little wider. Corporate beneficence or pro-consumer government action: guess which one I’ll be holding my breath for. (Hint: “Neither.” is an acceptable guess.)

A more reasonable hope might be the integration I mentioned on the latest TANcast: combining Google Voice and Gmail. They already use the same contacts list, they both have the same concept of inbound and outbound communication and keeping and ordering messages, and they even talk to each other (Google Voice puts an email in your inbox when you have a message). Imagine having one interface where all your emails, chats, SMS, AND voicemails regarding your job hunt, a specific project, or to/from your family all get grouped together (labeled) and searched at once. Google has already done this for chat, why not voice?

Some people say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one…

Long ago, when the halls of MySpace were filled with people, I wrote a pair of blogs about some complain letters that I wrote to my corporate nemesis Mervyn’s. I found them and shall reproduce them for you now. Not only do I not follow the advice given by Grammar Girl, I also break all kinds of grammar rules to boot (which I’m sure comes as no surprise if you’ve ever read my blogs before).

So here is the first letter I wrote to Mervyn’s:

Dear fuckholes,

There has been a serious error regarding my account. I have only made one purchase on this account which I paid off less than a month later.

I recently received a notice from a collection agency saying I owe $247.14. The first and most obvious problem is that I should not have a balance to pay off on this account. As mentioned above, I paid the full balance of this card off within a month of my initial and only purchase.

The second problem is that it was sent to the wrong address. When I opened the account, my address was 6064 *street*. And I know this address was successfully conveyed when I opened the account because I received my credit card in the mail shortly after opening the account. However the address the collection notice was sent to was 6664 *street*. This leads me to believe that an error on your end resulted in notices being sent to the wrong address for over a year while what ever this charge is you seem to believe I owe drew more and more interest.

The third and most aggravating problem…and the reason I only made one purchase with the card… is that I was charged for the same items twice. When I signed up for the card, I was told that new card holders got an extra 10% off. However, when they rang me up, they neglected to give me that additional 10% off. So they re-rang up my items only to find out they could void out the first transaction. So I was charged for the same purchase twice (once at 10% off). After about 15 minutes of the store staff trying in vain to void the error, I was told by the manager that it would be taken care of at the corporate end and that I wouldn’t need to worry about it. Needless to say, when I got my bill it was NOT taken care of. When I called the Mervyn’s people, I got the run around for so long that I finally decided it was less hassle to just pay for my items twice and be done with the experience.

But THIS is going too far! I will not have money stolen from me again by this company. Please review whatever records you need to and credit my account…and then CLOSE IT. I assure you I will not have need of a Mervyn’s Credit Card ever again. Honestly man, I know your shitty clothes don’t attract a lot of business, but do you really have to resort to phantom charges to meet each month’s payroll? You are all a bunch of shit eating duchebags!

Suck my fat cock,
-Tim

PS-Please contact me immediately to let me know this matter has been resolved or I will take a dump on the counter in every one of your shitty stores!

Yeah…seems pretty straight forward., I can’t imagine anybody having a problem with that letter. Then, a few weeks later, I got the following letter FROM Mervyn’s:

Dear TIMOTHY:

Thank you for your recent inquiry regarding the above referenced account. An itemized history of your account is enclosed. The referenced account is reporting correctly.

And now, as a bonus, you can either watch the video to hear the final letter or scroll down and read it for yourself…or do both! The world is your oyster on this blog!

And now my reply letter:

Dear Ass hats,

Lick my nuts,
Tim Babb
Highly Dissatisfied Customer

Well I am sure I have just made Grammar Girl curse California’s educational system (unless she reads my blogs, in which case she’s been cursing it every day in September), but hopefully I gave some laughs along the way.

Oh…and if anyone from the former Mervyn’s corporate office is reading this, die in a fire! Toodles!

It’s time to play America’s favorite new game show…

That’s right, “Who’s the Douche?” The game where we show you an actual exchange on the internet and you decide who the bigger douche bag is.

Today’s game starts on a message board and continues into private messages. The two contestants shall be identified as “Possible Douche 1″ (PD1) and “Possible Douche 2″ (PD2). Ready to play? Here we go!!!

**The game started when Possible Douche 1 posted this on a message board:

Possible Douche 1: So I was told there are 2 clocks in the park [Disneyland] that signify the time Walt Disney died (told by a cast member after noticing a clock was stopped or not working and since everything in Disney has a reason, I decided to ask why)

My question is … if I remember correctly, I think they were stopped at 12:20… but I think he died at 9:30 or 9:45?

Does anyone know about this? Is it maybe the time Walt was pronounced dead?

**This stumps the first few posters who repeatedly ask where the two clocks are located only to be told:

Possible Douche 1:
hehe its a secret

**When people then press PD1 on the subject of the clocks, PD1 responds with:

Possible Douche 1:
Wow! Over-dramatic much?

…and to be honest, that is why I have 50 posts not 3,835 or more… haha Thanks for reminding me why I stick to going to the park and not coming on the message boards so much…

**This is where PD2 comes in and the game really starts

Possible Douche 2:
“Yeah I want to ask YOU people for information but how dare you be so over dramatic as to expect some back from me.”

BTW If you do see me in the park and you want to know where something is…good luck to you…ha!

**Then it goes into a private conversation and the douchiness really starts to fly…

Possible Douche 1:
Hey…It’s me… [person you know from another site] …thanks for being a punk lol

Possible Douche 2:
lol hey! Well in fairness, you started it

Possible Douche 1:
haha yeah well… I like the adventure of finding stuff…So I was merely asking if anyone else knew ’cause I assumed all these [Disney] geeks would know already! But seems I hold some info they want BAD lol jk

Anyways I’ll tell you if you investigate and tell me your answers…wanna?

Possible Douche 2:
No thanks. I’ve already figured it out and I don’t want to deprive you of the fun of it!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!! (Evil Joker laugh)

Possible Douche 1:
Have you really?!?!?! …and do you know the significance?

Possible Douche 2:
Oh yeah…it’s kinda obvious if you think about it.

Possible Douche 1:
Not really… What 2 are you thinking of…the one in the castle and…?

Possible Douche 2:
Wait…YOU don’t know the other one?!!

Well then forget it, I ain’t tellin’!

Possible Douche 1:
How did I know that would happen? …yes I do … It’s on something that moves…. yours?

**AT this point DB2 lets almost a full hour go by without responding

Possible Douche 1:
Ok…so gimme a hint and I’ll give you a hint.

Possible Douche 2:
Oh…I have no idea. I was deliberately wasting your time

Possible Douche 1:
I hate you.

Possible Douche 2:
Right back at ya, keeper of secrets.

Possible Douche 1:
I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell people on the board…’cause they’re ASSSSHOLES lol

Possible Douche 2:
I don’t get why you don’t want to tell people.

Possible Douche 1:
At first I wasn’t going to ’cause what’s the fun there? I dunno. My whole fun with Disneyland is learning and discovering not like…
HI! HERE’S THE GUIDE TO EVERYTHING SPECIAL NOW YOU GET TO LOOK AT THEM!

Boring!

Possible Douche 2:
But…
a) many people on the boards can’t go to Disneyland that often

Possible Douche 1:
Neither can I. I haven’t been since June lol

Possible Douche 2:
b) We didn’t even know about this puzzle until you presented it

Possible Douche 1:
I assumed all u Disney geeks would know already…sheesh

Possible Douche 2:
c) not everyone has the same idea of fun

Possible Douche 1:
If 2 funs don’t mix, and one fun has to be gone to have another, I’ll choose my own…and you all can SUCK IT! lol

Possible Douche 2:
So you’re really not gonna share?

Possible Douche 1:
Not to the board

Possible Douche 2:
…I don’t get it

And there you have it! So now you get to decide who the douche is…PD1 for keeping the secret or PB2 for wasting PD1′s time on purpose?

WHO’S THE DOUCHE?!!

Well it’s day 2 of my commitment to a month of blogs and I don’t really have any ideas for a blog today. I fail at everything I try. But I keep trying. I’m kinda like the comedic version of Rocky. (Fortunately no Russians have beaten me up…yet)

I do have quite a few irons in the fire at the moment…I’ve got a few Kingdom Comedy videos I’m trying to get edited. Including the one that I started trying to film back in May! I’m also working on a few more audio Kingdom Comedies for Mousetalgia…and a video project for TANcast that I hope to announce soon.

Plus I’m getting set for the San Francisco Comedy Competition.

I’m really hoping to bring the thunder. If you’re in the area, please come out and laugh at me…I won’t mind You can check the schedule as it gets updated here: http://www.sanfranciscocomedycompetition.com/Pages/Schedule.html (I’m performing on September 16th-20th)

Lastly I’m getting my set together for my showcase at the NACA West Conference. If you’re going to college and would like to have me come to your college and do stand-up (which I would LOVE to do) find out who books events for your college and direct them here: http://h2f.net/h2fnew/index.php?pg=talentdetail_page&id=01493c5fbd38495

…hmmm this is turning into less of a blog as it is shameless self promotion. I will work on that for next time.

Stand-up comedy biz blogs…Disney blogs…Star Trek Blogs…a political rant or two (sorry, right wing friends)…I’m gonna throw as much as I can against the wall in September and see what sticks.

I’m not going to lie to you. There will be typos…there will be factual errors…and there will be an over use of ellipses (…) but if you give me a chance, we can get through this together…or you can just ignore my crappy posts.

Wish me luck…

Oh, before I forget…

Dear Fucktards at Comcast: Please stop breaking the Internet by replacing valid DNS error messages with search (plus ads!) pages. If any customers want you to break their Internet access, let them opt IN, instead.

Where was I? Oh, right. Twitter.

Twitter has been down for the better part of an hour now, so I went to Facebook to bitch to my meatspace friends and family about not being able to tweet. Turns out Facebook is all kerfucked, too. Attempts to post, to filter who is displayed, or even to load some pages fail with a variety of internal Facebook errors (“AJAX timeout… Are you connected to the Internet?”) or general HTTP failures (“The page at http://facebook.com/ is taking too long to respond…”).

I grumbled to myself, then remembered I run a blog. Moments later I was typing this post and reveling in self-hosted uptime goodness.

Twitter and Facebook = FAIL

TANcast = WIN

PS: If you’re a Comcast subscriber (and oh my <deity>, do I wish there was actual competition in the broadband market), you can fix your DNS behavior by opting out of their fucktacular mess.

PPS: I’ve added “fucktard”, “kerfucked”, and “fucktacular” to my browser’s spell check dictionary.

PPPS: I’ll try to remember crowing in this post the next time I break TANcast.

Fmylife is a great site. We’ve talked about it on the podcast before but I never stopped to think of another level to that website. But then I recently tumbled upon this gem on Fmylife.com.

“Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML”

That sucks for that lady…but if there was a website called “mylifeisfingawesome.com,” you might see an entry like this:

“Today I was totally schooling my buddy in Fight Night Round 4 on his PS3 when all of a sudden his adorable dog comes running in the room with a bra in his mouth…followed closely by his naked sister and her glistening wet boobies. MLIFA”

Human discourse has not been the same since.

Everyone likes to talk about democracy, freedom of expression, and equality in fluffy abstract terms, but a recent stroll through Apple’s App Store for the iPhone and iTouchMyselfPod was a more concrete exploration of what these terms really mean.

Simply put, the democratizing influence of convincing every mouth-breather that their American Life would be best spent on America Online has led to them believing that they should, nay, must make their every opinion known to all their peers surfing the tubes.

I’ve plucked a pair of App Store product reviews from the luminiferous aether to illustrate my point.

Let’s start with a review of the AS3 API Reference app. Quoth Tjenicek in his/her/its 1-Star review:

Use?
Idk what to do or how to use it.
Help me?

For those curious, AS3 means “ActionScript 3“, and refers to the scripting language (related to JavaScript) used to program Adobe Flash or Adobe Flex.  This app is, per the name and the description provided by the author, a quick reference guide for people writing ActionScript code.  I loaded the app and it is quite clearly exactly what it claims.  From the review I can only imagine that this fucktard downloaded it without having any idea what ActionScript was. Said fucktard then gave this app a 1-Star review as clearly the fucktard’s ignorance was the fault of the app.

You may think I’m being harsh. You may even be right about that.

Perhaps Tjenicek is in the middle of some sort of performance-art piece that requires him/her/it to download and review every App Store application in alphabetical order, and the sheer number has caused him/her/it to run out of ideas by the late As. Perhaps after thoughtfully reviewing the Ask Your Mom app, this was all that was left in the tank.

Whether you discount that one, wait ’til you see the next review.

For the puzzle game Blocked, Kj fauve wrote in his/her/its 1-Star review:

Nice
This is a really nice game me and my dad always play this on our spare time. My real name is Kyle but I changes it to kj because I thought it would be real cool to do it so yeah thanks for your time I hope u enjoy reading about me And yeah I’m gay

Words fail me, just as punctuation and coherent trains of thought escaped the reviewer. We’ll just note the 1-Star (out of 5) score on what appears to be a positive review and move on to the summary.

So AOL gets everyone on the internet by lowering the barrier to entry from “Install correct Winsock version, Configure PPP and TCP/IP settings, Configure Dialer, …” to “Stick This Thing in the Hole on your Confusion Box and Click until you see Porn and Spam.”  A Zero-Knowledge-Needed access plan got people with zero knowledge to participate.

This is perfect egalitarian democracy, and the fucktards are ruining it.

Thanks for that, AOL.

I tried to blog about this phenomenon at the time, but could not claw my way back to the murky void of The Real long enough to give a full accounting of it.

I don’t think I accomplished much that day, other than spastic laughter held barely in check by the back of my knuckles and grim looks from management. I didn’t dare climb back in afterward; I had lost enough of my life and I could only just recollect having a childhood somewhere where the text was not perennially fixed-width.

Six months later I lost my job and tried to write this all up again. I loaded the site, read this, and promptly lost another day. In my head, bloodninja/eminemBNJA is 100% serious and earnest. It is significantly funnier that way.

You can also find there a joke that I ganked for our latest TANcast, if you cared to do so.

Beware, though: If your taste in humor treads the same razor’s edge of geeky, lowbrow, highbrow, dickish, conceptual, offbeat stupidity that mine does, expect to lose yourself as well.

So who wants to see hot naked girls just licking random household objects? I do, I do!

Just after George Carlin passed, I came across yet another best-of-Carlin compilation on YouTube, but the person who posted it used every inch of the “About this video” area to argue that the September 11 terrorist attacks were actually perpetrated by the United States government.  I gave him 1 star and left a comment chastising him for trying to conflate Carlin’s well-reasoned diatribes against abuses of power with a delusional belief that there is some shadowy conspiracy that committed mass murder on live TV and yet managed to hide its activities from all but a enlightened few on the Internet who are trying to “show us all the truth”.  He had a bunch of links that supposedly proved his claims, but, as TANcast proves, having a website is not the same as being smart or knowing anything.

What followed was a fairly telling discourse, presented here without edit for your enjoyment.  I say telling, but I have only a vague idea of what it says and about whom.

My initial comment and responses will be in deep blue and his responses will be in hot pink italics, as I think that is funny and am not a mature person.  I’m also not turning the URL in his comments into a hyperlink as I won’t give those retards any more traffic than they already get.  I’m not including his actual “About this video” section for the same reason.

This is my website, so fuck it: I do what I want.

Anyways, it all started when I left this comment for him on YouTube:

acrobat741: Why did you hijack George Carlin’s work to push your conspiracy theory?

George was too smart to believe empty-headed bullshit like this, so its a bit of a dick move to try to push your own idiot agenda on YouTubers using his good name.

He responded some time later with:

Conspiracy theory? Yeah right. Like Iran-Contra I guess.

So I’ve hijacked Carlin’s work?
Lol you might as well not read my info. Write to your MP.

Oh do awake from your programmed delusion.

FYI, here are some other ‘empty-headed’ folks:

http://patriotsquestion911.com/

PS: poor manners indicate deficient upbringing

Overcome by his rhetorical aptitude, I replied:

I take it all back. Clearly you are superior to the rest of reasoning humanity, having seen behind the lies and being bold enough to pepper YouTube with the truth. Kudos to you, and all the best on your journey to enlighten the masses.

http://www.debunking911.com/
http://forums.randi.org/showthread.php?t=76025
http://forums.randi.org/forumdisplay.php?f=64

I’m sure the links above and all the concrete data (which is not the plural of “anecdote”) that they cite are manufactured or mistaken, so I look forward to your resounding victory as you reply to them all with your own provable facts.

Just FYI, Iran-Contra was a conspiracy, not a conspiracy theory. Not sure if you knew that, but I can recommend books if you’d like to learn more.

Penn & Teller – 9/11 Conspiracy Theories

Taking his own previous advice about manners and upbringing, he offered an olive branch:

i’ll be polite: fuck off

go play with the other paedos

I noticed that he might have made a small error, so I sent back:

You forgot to call me Hitler.

You also forgot to call me gay.

It looks like he blocked me, though, so I’m afraid he may never find out about his oversight or get to correct it.

At least I have this hateful picture remind myself that I probably shouldn’t have done any of this:

I am so, so sorry...

Almost exactly thirty seconds later, after swimming through a series of tubes (no, I’m not going to stop making fun of Ted Stevens until that corrupt idiot is expelled, indicted, or dies) I had my answer.  Thank you, Intertron!

Although the song “Mah Nà Mah Nà” was included in a Sesame Street skit in 1969 prior to being performed by Muppets on The Ed Sulivan Show and then performed again for The Muppet Show, it was actually taken from a movie called Sweden: Heaven and Hell.  This film was an Italian pseudo-documentary that claimed to record the wild sexual antics of Scandinavian teens.

That’s right, kids: “Mahna Mahna” is a song from a soft-core porno.

Now that you know… Enjoy!

What?! You missed it? You’re in luck…you can listen to it right now: Just click right here.

That’s right…there’s actually a podcast on TANcast, finally.  Sure it’s not a TANcast podcast…but beggars can’t be choosers

Why are you so cruel to me Windows? Can’t we just be friends?

For the uninitiated, this is my most popular blog on MySpace. So much so that I had updated it 6 times. Well, today I went to update it a 7th time and MySpace kept screwing up…so it moves here to TANcast in it’s entirety (including the 7th update)! Enjoy!

Listen, I’m sorry you’re hiding from some guy you shot down in a bar last week, but why should you get to look it me and me not get to look at you? What makes you so damn special?!

And also…if your profile picture looks like this…

How private are you, really? Those are your boobs, lady! If you’re trying to remain anonymous and avoid attracting attention…perhaps shoving your ta-tas all up in the camera may not be the best solution.

And that goes for you smart asses who just make your pictures private. Don’t post pictures on line if you don’t want people to see them. They’ve got a place for you to store your private pictures…it’s called the photo album in your closet, turd burgler!

UPDATE 1…
Why do people with private profiles fill out the “Who I’d like to meet” section?! One of my private friends has this in that section:

“Anyone and Everyone…. No one can really piss me off (unless you are just THAT stupid) so as long as your a cool, chill, kick ass person we are good.”

Well you can’t meet anyone and everyone if NOONE can see your profile! They can’t even read that section of text. And if you’re so anxious to meet everyone…why is your profile private?! You’re killin’ me…killin’ me!!!

UPDATE 2
Okay I happened upon another gal who should not have a private profile…

Yeah…that’s her main pic…spread eagle with the soggy flap jacks barely contained in that bikini…which might not be so bad on it’s own but her headline reads,

“Voluptuous Hardcore Milf”

Yeah…I can see how you’re really trying to fly under the radar you stealth little miwlf. Either you’re an attention whore or you’re not…pick a side…we’re at war!

UPDATE 3…
Okay…what could be worse than a private profile with your breasts in the camera or spread eagle in a bikini? How about this…

Yup that’s a private provile pic and she’s naked. C’mon lady, you’re f@$ing NAKED!!! How private do you really want to be when I’m an inch and a half from seeing your friggin nipple?!

“Hey everybody I just took all my clothes off…for God’s sake don’t look at me…I’m a private nudist!”

And don’t think I didn’t notice you’re out of toilet paper! Now go put some clothes on or take your profile off private!

Update 4…

The women (and I’m sorry that these examples are all women) who are trying to have it both ways continues…

“What profile picture should get the least amount of attention from sickos scouring MySpace for skanks? Hmmm I know! I’ll wrap duct tape around my hooters and take a shot of it! Brilliant. Why would a thumblnail of exposed breasts grab anyone’s attention? But I just don’t know if that’s enough….just to be sure I’m going to make my profile name: ’F*** My P**** [With YOUR Tongue]’

Yes! That’ll do it. At last, I can be left alone. Wait…just to be sure I’m make my MySace URL ’http://www.myspace.com/lovetolickurc***’ Yes! Love to Lick Your C***! That just REEKS of a private individual who wants only solitude on the internet.”

WHAT THE HELL?!!! Why is your profile private? You just want to be a whore for your closest friends? Your boobs are wrapped in tape! TAPE!

Update 5…

Alright just look at this:

Yeah…it’s another “private profile,” but in case your eyes are bad let me point out that not only is she not wearing any pants, skirt, underwear or class…she’s got her hands all shoved in her crack! Lady are you telling me your prepping to pinch a loaf in your profile picture?! But heaven forbid anyone see it?! I shudder to think what other photos are in your collection that need to be kept private…are you fisting a yeti?!

Even the Flapjacks lady from update 2 is embarrassed by your shamelessness hypocrisy.

Now either put some pants on or put your smell on private too!

Update 6…

Okay a lot of people keep asking me why I go trolling for these private profiles…I swear I don’t. I’m just doing my business on-line connecting with friends, fellow comics, etc and I’ll look at their stable of friends. That’s when a photo like this will leap out at me…

C’mon…that’s not gonna peak your curiosity? Over 50% of her profile photo is breasts!!! I mostly clicked on it to see if they were an optical illusion or something. It looks like a Rick Baker special effect.

Are you telling me you’re not the least bit interested in the back story on Boobzilla up there?! Well if you are, tough titties (pun intended). Her profile is private. Now you’ll never solve the mystery of the ginormous milk sacks. Why is she staring at them? Did she drop a bagel down there? Is Ossama hiding in there? These questions will now never be answered…thanks alot, Wonder Jugs!

Update 7…

Just when I thought I was done with this blog, my friend Angela found this for me…

This one angers me on a whole different level. I’m not really mad that her profile is private…no, really. This is not a profile I should have full access to.

Because I’m a full grown adult and she is obviously 15!!! Are you kidding me?! I don’t care if her profile lists her age as 22. Bull$!+!!! I’ll bet jail bait up there doesn’t even have her drivers permit yet!

Put that cell phone with tinkerbell’s glittery diarrhea all over it down and go put on a shirt! Then finish your homework and clean your room. …and GET OFF MY LAWN!!!! (oy, I’m getting old)

Thank you I feel better.

Pardon me while I rant a bit, Software is broken and let me tell you why.

I was at a bar with a friend once and he casually mentions that playlists on iPods will update on the fly. I thought he was crazy cause I had owned an iPod Touch for few months and I never saw my playlists update on the fly, I always had to sync with iTunes before my playlists would update on my iPod.

Until today that is. I had created  a new pretty simple Smart Playlist, it had maybe 3 criteria. I noticed today as I listened to Podcasts, they would disappear from my play list. This had never happened to me before and I was excited. So I get home and start Googling this to see how I could make my other playlists do this.

I came across a few posts that explained why my other playlists weren’t behaving in the same way. So I spent way too much time tweaking and testing playlists to see if I could get them to update on my iPod as opposed to having to sync them to iTunes before the playlists would update. I finally got it to work but then my playlist wasn’t exactly the way I would like it to be.

Which brings me to my point. Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too? It seems far too often we have to work for our software then it working for us. Why do I have to not have this and not have that to make a feature work? It should just work and if it doesn’t work someone should fix it, simple as that. Now I don’t know how to code software, so in reality in may not be that simple but I am sure someone at Apple has the know how to make it work right. Yes I know they have a list of things they need to do and this particular feature is probably not high on the list but why have the feature at all then? I know they can’t please everyone and make iTunes do whatever you want it to but if you add a feature make sure it works and works right.

This problem is not specific to iTunes I see this type of stuff in so much software. All I ask is make software make sense, make sure features work and make it uniform. We have database software at work and depending on what part of the database you are in, you can hit enter to return a result or you can’t. No rhyme or reason why it works some places and not others, people just shrug and go “It has always been that way,” which seems like such a cop-out to me. We make software, it does what we tell it and if it doesn’t, we bend it to our will.

Sure I want awesome features but I also want features that work exactly as advertised. So I think when you make software, make it simple at first then as you perfect it (yes I know all software has bugs and problems) add on to it. Don’t just throw a bunch of half ass features at me and assume I will be happy.

I know what I am saying is probably not new but I wanted to get it off my chest.

End Rant.

Maybe something like this:

Let’s create a web browser and give it full access to both the outside network and the innermost workings of the operating system. NO! BETTER! Let’s have the OS interface BE the browser! That will get the Justice Department off our back when our “cut off Netscape’s air supply” memo leaks, since by then both of them (OS and browser) will be “merged”.

Next, lets create a technology that allows fully functioning programs to be run in the browser. We can call that ActiveX. We’ll need to set the default security settings pretty low, since we want people to have easy access to this. We can even make people use it to upgrade their copy of Windows. Why have a separate, secure system in place that can only connect to our servers when we can just give the web browser total control of everything and then assume nobody will ever find a flaw that lets them rape systems remotely.

As the crowning pinnacle, lets let 3rd party people modify the browser’s function using this ActiveX thing and not give people any easy way to remove the “enhancements”. Marketers will LOVE the ability to change the browser so that every time it accesses www.disney.com it pops up ads for hardcore midget-shaving porn, especially if the ads show graphic horse fisting, too.

Last item for action: once we are done using our OS monopoly to control the web browser market, we need to stop upgrading the software. Standards? Bah. Who cares. Rendering bugs? Not a problem. Features? Control? Security? Well, we’ll patch critical flaws, but other than that, fuck it. Users can like what we forced the PC makers to ship or they can kiss our hairy beans.

How many times have we seen Critical Updates for Internet Explorer, patching some hole in ActiveX or scripting that would allow a “malicious website” to gain full control of the computer or execute code or whatever? Well, here is an article on exactly what a “malicious” website might be: a site running Microsoft’s own web server. Yes, yet another flaw in IIS allowed dozens of LARGE, RESPECTED websites to be compromised. Now these sites send out the normal pages with a nifty surprise: software that will hijack your computer to start sending spam.What does it take to get your computer controlled? Using Internet Explorer and accessing one of these websites without your Security settings set to “Highest”. That is all. No opening of unknown e-mail attachments like a stupid newbie (and don’t get me started on Outlook allowing code to be run) or sending info to someone claiming to work for a company you do business with. Nope. Just browsing the web. With IE.

Check out Microsoft’s “What You Should Know” article on the subject. Vulnerable systems include Windows NT4 SP6, Windows 2000, Windows XP, and Windows 2003. Oh, I meant “any system running Internet Explorer 6″. That is easier.

I personally never sweat this shit. I have used Mozilla for years, moving over to the Mozilla Firefox web browser more recently. Fast, easy, better standards compliance than IE, pop-up ad blocking on by default, tabbed browsing, and one last thing:

NO IE SECURITY HOLES !!!

I beg you all to make your systems safer. Go use Opera or one of the Mozilla browsers. Launch IE only often enough to run Windows Update. I swear it will be better for you. Once you see the web free of pop-up and get to know tabbed browsing you will wonder how you lived without such things.

If any of you have questions or see a missing feature you want/need after loading a Mozilla browser, let me know. There is probably an extension you can install that will get you the feature you seek.

Update (June 29, 2004):

Hot off the presses, yet another IE “Browser Helper” is wreaking havok on unsuspecting browser users. Install this bit malware (I swear, we should be shooting the human garbage who write these) and your browser watches for you to try to log on to your bank, then sends your login info off to some ne’er-do-wells who can then try to ass-rape your bank balances.

And does IE provide a list of its installed “Helpers” for users to check on this?

Nope.

Does it give you any way of uninstalling these malware or spyware or adware “Helpers”?

Nope.

Has IE had a few vulnerabilities that allow “Helpers” to be installed without user approval?

Yup.

In related news, now that the (still un-patched) system hijack exploit facilitated by a (still un-patched) webserver vulnerability I mentioned in the original entry above has made the more mainstream press, experts are suggesting all IE users either disable scripting for all zones (including the Local Zone) or use an alternative browser.

I think you all know which of those options I advocate.