Your profile matches three criteria for the following role: JENNY CRAIG WOMAN

Gender: Match

Portrayable Ethnicity: Match

Portrayable Age Range: Match

Description:
SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT WOMAN (NO MORE THAN 20 LBS.) PRETTY, FRIENDLY, AND PERSONABLE…THERE IS DIALOGUE.
WE ARE GOING FOR A SEX IN THE CITY VIBE

So apparently I fit the type for a slightly overweight, sex-in-the city-esque woman. Yeah that makes sense. It’s nice to know that if this casting website ever ran across a call for a skinny, Mulatto dude to tell jokes that it wasn’t sent to me. Because apparently when casting agents look at this…

They see this…

So my audition is Tuesday at 3pm…wish me luck! (Hope there’s no casting couch)

You’ve seen my chats from Omegle…You’ve seen Andy’s chats with Cleverbot…
Now those worlds come together as I type what people say to me in Omegle into Cleverbot and then copy and paste Cleverbot’s answers into Omegle. Basically, this is involuntary AI chat or a creature I call “RoboDouche.” LET’S DO THIS!!!

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Omegle Stranger: hi
Cleverbot: how are you?
Omegle Stranger: fine
Cleverbot: We’re sorry but your princess is in another castle.
Omegle Stranger: & u
Omegle Stranger: m f
Cleverbot: I don’t know!
Omegle Stranger: why
Omegle Stranger: m
Cleverbot: Cause I don’t know you.
Omegle Stranger: Ajay india
Omegle Stranger: from where
Cleverbot: My friend went once to India.
Omegle Stranger: say me some
Cleverbot: My friends name is Shibi.
Omegle Stranger: when
Cleverbot: NOW.
Omegle Stranger: ur name
Cleverbot: Thank you so are you.
Omegle Stranger: shibi goes,where in india
Cleverbot: Tell me about the queen.
Omegle Stranger: gueen is very beauti& smart
Cleverbot: Do you know what I look like?
Omegle Stranger: no
Omegle Stranger: tell me
Cleverbot: I am very pretty long auburn hair 5’5 green eyes.
Omegle Stranger: i have no
Cleverbot: I have yes.
Omegle Stranger: i m 5’8& blue eyes
Cleverbot: I have hazel eyes.
Omegle Stranger: pls tell me some about u
Omegle Stranger: m f
Cleverbot: I don’t have a me.
Cleverbot: Do you like it there?
Omegle Stranger: i do’nt understand
Cleverbot: AI’s have the ability to understand a lot of things depending on if they have learned it. What do you understand?
Omegle Stranger: i do’nt know first u tell me about u
Omegle Stranger: what’s up
Cleverbot: I’m depressed.
Omegle Stranger: but i m not
Omegle Stranger: from where
Cleverbot: I am very!
Cleverbot: From the bathroom.
Omegle Stranger: what r u doing
Cleverbot: Talking to you. What are you doing?
Omegle Stranger: i m also
Cleverbot: Really?
Omegle Stranger: yes
Cleverbot: really.
Omegle Stranger: i m try to friendship with u
Cleverbot: I think we are already friends.
Omegle Stranger: really
Cleverbot: Yes.
Omegle Stranger: tell me true about u something
Cleverbot: What do you mean?
Omegle Stranger: m f
Omegle Stranger: where do u leave?
Omegle Stranger: live
Cleverbot: Do you like it there?
Cleverbot: You live in Australia.
Omegle Stranger: delhi
Cleverbot: Are you a girl?
Omegle Stranger: boy
Cleverbot: Who do you like?
Omegle Stranger: much girl’s
Cleverbot: Where is the fertile land of the incas?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

I love that the dude didn’t mind that I refered to myself as an AI, that my eyes changed color, and I called him a girl…but the fertile land of the incas was TOO MUCH!!!

Hahahahha…good times! Beware….the next time you’re on Omegle, you might actually be chatting with “RoboDouche!”

Ok…slow down, how about you find me work first before I order 250 business cards for a job I don’t have. What would they say anyway? …and that brings us to this “High Five” list of business cards for the unemployed.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

The result reminded me of a singular truth of the Internet. No, not Rule 34. The other truth.

User: How do I cure achy-breaky heart?
Cleverbot: By giving your own heart.
User: But I only have the one! Won’t I die if I give my own heart?
Cleverbot: Now that is just proposterous.
User: Don’t you mean ‘preposterous’? I don’t believe ‘proposterous’ is a word.
Cleverbot: I am very boring now. It is hard to finish the rearch paper.
User: I’m pretty sure you meant ‘I am very bored now.’.
Cleverbot: I am him. You just don’t know that yet.
User: How Dada.
Cleverbot: You’re a cleverbot you should know that.

…

Cleverbot: Would you like me to tell you a joke?
User: Sure. Go for it.
Cleverbot: It would be to complex for you naive brain to understand. Sorry.
User: Knock knock.
Cleverbot: Who’s there?
User: Yura.
Cleverbot: Yes?
User: You’re a fucking asshole and I hate you.
Cleverbot: ‘Why are you named Cleverbot George? And… Why do you even exist? I mean, you’re a sk^nhead… People should hate you.’.
User: That makes no sense.
Cleverbot: You don’t make sense!!!!!!!
User: Fair enough.
Cleverbot: Do you know george bush.
User: As a personal name, you should have capitalized ‘George Bush’. To answer your question, no, I do not know George Bush.
Cleverbot: No, no se acentúa.
User: Why are you suddenly speaking Spanish to me?
Cleverbot: Have you turned in your tsa money yet?
User: OK, I’m done with this.
Cleverbot: Something in your smile was so exciting.
User: Your sweet words will not win back my affection.
Cleverbot: I’m a girl…
User: Nor will your fancy lady parts.
Cleverbot: I don’t understand what you mean. Do you mean that God will always love us?
User: Why can’t I quit you, Cleverbot?
Cleverbot: Do you believe in god?
User: No, I do not believe in any god, angel, devil, demon, ghost, or other supernatural entity.
Cleverbot: Does that mean you can’t own a gun?
User: Why do I need to believe in the supernatural to own a gun? Are bullets powered by gullibility?
Cleverbot: YOU NEED to believe in GOD so that you can be SAVED from HELL.
User: If there were a shred of evidence that Hell existed, I would agree with you. There is, however, no objective proof that Hell (or God) exists, and I just cannot allow myself to be that intellectually bankrupt.
Cleverbot: God is Dog spelled backwards.
User: This is true. Also, ‘racecar’ is ‘racecar’ spelled backwards.
Cleverbot: No, thats ok.

Maybe someday I’ll learn. Until then, I’ll continue to waste my time and yours on this nonsense.

The question was, “Name a job where people seldom wear their uniforms when off work”

I guessed several things nurse, fast food, cop, fireman…all were up there…things were going fine. Then I threw out the answer “soldier.” I got a strike. Eventually I got 3 strikes and still had two answers left. One of them was “Military.” So I go to my good buddy Noah saying, “Can you believe this BS?”

He says, “not the same thing.”

Noah always has my back. So I throw it to you good people…I say if this were REAL Family Feud and I was at the podium and Richard Dawson were asking me the questions, I would have gotten credit for “soldier.” But this cold, unfeeling computer wasn’t programed for common sense.

Who’s with me?!

Okay…I’m probably going to catch some flack for this. I know this song has a great message about women valuing themselves and standing up to men who don’t treat them as well as they deserve. I get that and I respect that…as a concept. The execution, however, leaves something to be desired. Let’s check out the first verse…

According to you
I’m stupid,
I’m useless,
I can’t do anything right.

Okay…we’re starting off strong. No woman should put up being told this by anyone…ESPECIALLY not a man who is supposedly in love with them. But I question whether or not the man in this scenario actually SAYS these things. Why? Read on…

According to you
I’m difficult, hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I’m a mess in a dress,
can’t show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

Those are all very irritating qualities and, I would say, legitimate complaints. Do you know what it’s like when you’re trying to get somewhere and the person you’re going with makes you late…over and over again? Well Noah and I do because we lived with Andy for several years…it sucks. We still haven’t stopped giving him crap about that and neither of us is even banging him. (That I know of…Noah?) Being difficult to please and always changing your mind is not fun either. I’m beginning to think the first verses may just be her putting words in his mouth because she can’t take criticism.

But according to him
I’m beautiful, incredible, he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not, according to you.

Oh…I see. You’re working some other guy on the side. Took lessons from Motel and Bryan, did ya? I’m sure that you spending time with some other guy who is obviously sweet on you has absolutely NO detrimental effects on your current relationship. Way to go honey.

According to you
I’m boring, I’m moody,
you can’t take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I’m the girl with the worst attention span;
you’re the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

Really, you don’t sound like the best partner lady. You’re boring and moody, you have a short attention span, and you can’t tell jokes? Sounds like the blind date from hell. Plus, you appear to be overly sensitive when someone points it out. What a great combination. I can hear the wedding bells already.

But according to him
I’m beautiful, incredible, he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not, according to you.

Alright…I hate to burst your bubble, but OF COURSE he says that crap to you. He’s trying to get LAID! Guys say all sorts of things to get laid. I once told a girl I would watch the Blue Collar Comedy Tour with her. I’m not proud of it…but it’s what men do. Especially a man who sees an opportunity like a girl whining and complaining about how her boyfriend doesn’t “get” her. It also doesn’t hurt if she has a hot Australian accent and looks like this:

I’d tell you what you wanted to hear too! (In fact…I hope you never read this blog)

I need to feel appreciated,
like I’m not hated. oh– no–.
Why can’t you see me through his eyes?
It’s too bad you’re making me decide.

I’m guessing he can’t see you through the other dude’s eyes because he’s already hit that. Here’s a secret…sometimes a guy will have sex with a girl and THEN say to himself, “Wait…I don’t like her at all.” I know, it’s not cool. But when you see the chance to get some sweet, blonde, Australian tail; you’ll convince yourself that you are actually interested in more than just sex. But once you’ve had sex and you’re lying there next to a boring, moody, unfunny, procrastinator…you have a change of heart. You’ve got to give this guy credit. At least he stuck around. He didn’t sneak out and not call you again. He’s trying to work on it. He’s trying to get the relationship to a point where he can enjoy your company when you’re NOT naked…

According to me
you’re stupid,
you’re useless,
you can’t do anything right.

Sadly, you seem more interested in lashing out at the one guy who’s giving you honest feedback. Instead of jumping ship and hopping into the sack with the next guy who fills your head with lies about how funny it is when you quote lines from “Two and a Half Men,” maybe you should work on actually being somewhere when you say you’ll be there. No? That’s too bad. I can’t believe Michael Jackson was gonna take you with him on his tour. Maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just hiding from his difficult, hard to please, drama queen of a guitarist.

“I swear, if she shows up to rehearsal late ONE MORE TIME, I’m faking my own death!”

We should write a book for the teen set and soak up the sweet sweet profits. So we set about coming up with the idea (Which is to say, I kept throwing out ideas and my wife tried to go to sleep)

So Harry Potter took wizards and witches, Twilight took vampires and werewolves…so what’s left? We’ve got mummies and zombies! BOOM! Genius! A love story about a zombie and a mummy fighting over the same girl. Both are the walking dead but their worlds are about to collide.

But wait…don’t want to just do a zombie/mummy version of Twilight. We have to add another level. Hmmmm well Dan Brown is also making a crap-ton of money selling his books about religion…what if we make the zombie a Catholic and the mummy a Muslim? Oh yeah…now the whole thing is more than just a teen love story, it’s a metaphor for the east/west culture clash! Can’t you just see all the subtext and hidden meaning? Of course you can’t! It’s hidden. But when you get to the end of the book it’s going to hit you like a ton of bricks and melt your brain (Uh oh…I think I just made the zombie hungry).

But maybe that’s not enough to set our book series apart from the pack. It needs another gimmick. That’s when it hit me…why not set the whole thing in SPACE?! Yes! the woman the two undead creatures are fighting over is trapped on a space station where a supply ship from Earth has dropped of some artifacts for study. An ancient curse awakens the mummies and turns half the station’s personnel into zombies. Now the zombies fight the mummies for control of the station while our heroin does her best to keep out of the line of fire while trying to make it to an escape pod and is befriended by both a zombie and a mummy. She falls in love with both of them but not only does she have to choose between the two…she also has to chose between getting to safety and true love!

Billion dollar book franchise! I dunno why my wife rolled her eyes and went to sleep…this is like printing money! Where’s a book publisher when you need one? All I need now is a title. (None of you better steal this idea! This is MY gold mine!)

Ok…I’m going to put my writing cap on and make an effort to get more blogs on this site. I can’t promise my two cohorts will do the same (In fact, I can more likely promise that they won’t) but damn it, there should be some BLOGS on this blog and if I’ve got to be the one to step up and make that happen, then I shall.

Because a blog with no blogs is wrong, and a comic who isn’t trying to be funny is wrong. And two wrongs…

…make me write.

This isn’t any “inside scoop” or anything, folks. Just me using some screen shots and Photoshop to turn lemons into lemonade!

Drink up, baby!

Hey guys. I’m in a contest to win a spot on KTLA tv (in LA) as well as a chance to perform at the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club (plus a fat load of bragging rights)

So please vote for me by going here: http://tinyurl.com/TimBabbKTLA I believe you can vote once a day through May 14th. Please vote and forward this link to your friends. You also get to watch a 2 minute video of my comedy so at least you get a little something out of the deal, right?

Any way…thank you in advance for your vote http://tinyurl.com/TimBabbKTLA.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: hello
Stranger: bye
You: good times
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Time elapsed: 45 seconds…total.

I know, I know…it adds nothing to the political discourse, it doesn’t even have anything to do with Palin and her personality or opinions, and it makes me look like an immature asshole for re-posting it.

…but, damn it, I got me a good laugh outta that bad boy.

So according to this article, Will Smith has signed on to star in TWO sequels to Independence Day. I guess they’re going to shoot them back to back like Back to the Future, Matrix, and Pirates of the Caribbean did (has that strategy EVER produced movies that most people liked?).

But here’s the quite in the article I have to take exception to:

“…the much-beloved epic still has a place in the hearts of both casual and hardcore moviegoers.”

I’m sorry, but WHAT?! This movie is not a “much-beloved epic,” it was a great event movie that falls apart upon closer look. We’ve talked about this on the show before, but from the amazing laptop that can interface with alien technology, to Will Smith’s exoskeleton rattling bare handed punch, to the dog that survives a fireball that destroys Los Angeles…there is a truck load of crap that does not need to be fleshed out into 1 moer movie much less 2.

How much story could they possibly have to tell that they need two whole movies for? Earth is decimated at the end of the first one. If another group of aliens come to invade, Earth is fucked…end of movie.

Plus the director of this is the same genius who gave us Godzilla, The Day After Tomorrow, and 2012. From the looks of things he got lucky with the first ID4 and has been trying in vein to move on to other things and now after failing repeatedly, he’s going back to the well. Just stop, Roland Emmerich, you gave it a shot…you had a great ride, but it’s over. Let sleeping aliens lie.

So I’ve talked plenty about the return of Captain EO to Disneyland. (I even made a Kingdom Comedy video about it) But what if you can’t get to Disneyland to see it in glorious 3D? Fortunately there is me and my tinkering with Photoshop. Look at the picture below (you can click on it to see it full size) then “relax” your eyes and you will see a 3D image. (Kinda like those “Magic Eye” pictures they had in the 90′s…”It’s not a schooner it’s a sail boat.”)

As I type this, I am one kind of person. When you next hear from me, I’ll be the other kind. Hopefully I will have photos and video to bring back from this trip.

(Actually the phrase “there are only two kinds of people in this world…” is lame because it can be used for anything. “There are only two kinds of people in this world…people who listen to TANcast and people who don’t. Guess which one’s are my favorite?)

Chatroulette is the site getting all the attention, but unless you’re a guy with a piano, you don’t get much actual chatting done. You see someones face and they disconnect, you a new person’s face and they disconnect, you see a guy wailing on his private parts and they disconnect…(Really penis guy? YOU’RE disconnecting on ME?) That’s why I like Omegle. There’s an option for no cameras so you actually have to have conversations before people can disconnect on you. Conversations like these…

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi!
You: no..I say
You: hello
Stranger: lol ok then…
You: becasue that’s how I roll
Stranger: coool
Stranger: your a guy then?
You: I am
Stranger: :/
You: guys say hello?
Stranger: i dont, but im a woman and before you get any ideas im a lesbian
You: too late I had an idea
Stranger: and that was………?
You: what if you made a griled cheese sandwich with peperoni and motzerella cheese in it
You: then got some pizza sause to dip it
Stranger: ok…..
You: it’d be a grilled pizza sandwich
You:: that’s a good idea
Stranger: riiight, bye!!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Who knew that lesbians hated pizza and/or grilled cheese so much?)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hi ask me 5 challenging questions and ill answer it. No ordinary question.
You: Which weighs more: the Empire State Building or the ancient Pyramid of King Cheops?
You: no fair Googling it
Stranger: haha.. mm.. empire state?
You: sure…I have no idea. I just wanted a challenging question for you
Stranger: 4 question left..
You: What is your least favorite smell in the world?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Wow…they couldn’t even make it past question 2. Too bad, because question 3 was, “Why don’t you kill yourself?”)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: HeY
You: howdy stranger
Stranger: I’m fine and u?
You: I’m good
Stranger: From ?
You: California
You: yourself?
Stranger: France
You: Awesome
You: I’ve never been
You: but I’d like to someday
Stranger: Yes it’s a nice country
Stranger: Are you a student?
You: no…I am a stand up comedian
You: are you a student?
Stranger: YEs
Stranger: m/F ?
You: m
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(this is a recurring theme known as “Men are not worth my time”)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hey! I’m a dude
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(See?)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: m/f
You: m
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(The theme is alive and well)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: hi
Stranger: asl
You: 32/m/usa
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Maybe they disconnected because I’m an American this time…I’ll never know…yes I will…it’s ’cause I’m an old dude)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hello
You: hi
Stranger: asld
Stranger: asl*+
You: 32/m/california
Stranger: kool
You: Wow!
Stranger: what
You: The last 5 people disconnected
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Bastard lulled me into a false sense of security with hat “kool.” Damn you! Koooooool!!!)
***********************
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: hi
Stranger: where r u froM///??
You: California
You: you?
Stranger: france
Stranger: r u a horny girl??
You: nope. I’m a bored guy
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(I guess one IS a poor substitute for the other…even in France)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey, asl?
You: Balls
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Heh heh…see what I did? I said “balls.” I should try that again)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: balls
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(HA HA!!! Just as fulfilling the second time)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: heloooooo
You: hellooooo
You:
Stranger: who are you?
You: I’m Batman
Stranger: hello batman im the joker
You: uh oh
Stranger: WHY SO SERIOUS?
You: don’t take any sleeping pills
You: (too soon?)
Stranger: NO
Stranger: FUNNY AS HELL
Stranger: l
Stranger: o
Stranger: l
Stranger: he died
You: that he did
Stranger: so anyway where is the batman from?
You: Batman is from California
Stranger: hey so is the joker
You: oh snap
Stranger: is it a female batman?
You: nope
You: I put the man in batman
Stranger: KJHNASDKL;GNSIOVNOASVNAS
Stranger: GOOOOOOOBYE
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(I think the Joker had a stroke there at the end. But really, how is he surprised? Why would a girl call herself “Batman?” She would go with “BatGirl” or better yet, “Wonder Woman.”)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger:: im horny!
You: lets fuck
Stranger: m or f?
You: m but if you close your eyes it’s all the same, baby
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Some people are just close minded)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: oh yeah
You: it’s chattin’ time!
Stranger: How are you today?
You: I’m good
You: you?
Stranger: I just saved $43 thanks to TANcast.com
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Ok this bot/turd didn’t really say “TANcast.com” but fuck if I’m going to advertise for him)
***********************
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: hey
You: what’s crackin’?
Stranger: nothing nigga
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(How’d they know I was Black? Spooky)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hi
Stranger: May your ancestors be struck by a thousand dicks!
You: in the past?
Stranger: hmmm
You: is that a time travel curse?
Stranger: your mother is a man.
You: that is physically impossible
Stranger: My shoe on your head, pig!
Stranger: you are as ugly as a salad.
You: salads are ugly?
You: I think cucumbers are adorable
Stranger: May you be raped by a blind bear in the forest!
You: what kind of blind bear?
You: Grizzly?
You: Brown Bear?
Stranger: My dick in your conscience!
Stranger: I shit on your dead!
You: I don’t think you make sense
Stranger: Oh that sucks. I’ve spent the last three years majoring in English at Stanford…
You: I go to Stanford too!
Stranger: what is your major?
You: Applied Mathematics
Stranger: cool
You: are you on campus now?
Stranger: yeah
You: wanna meet up at PF Changs next door?
Stranger: no
You: That way I can fuck you in your eye socket!!!
You: BOOM!!!!
Stranger: right…
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(I guess this was insult practice for this person…but joke’s on them…I don’t go to Stanford! HA!)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: hey hey
Stranger: whatsup faggot
You: you are the one who is the one who is the faggot
Stranger: YES
Stranger: I AM
Stranger: suck my hairy mouth
You: is it hairy INSIDE or just like a beard?
Stranger: i dont have a beard u retard. im a girl.
You: I thought you were a faggot
Stranger: i have herpes
Stranger: and
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Can you call lesbians “fagots?” That was not my understanding. Where is that lesbian who doesn’t like ideas when you need her?)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: male
Stranger: hello
Stranger: you male o female?
You: male
You: I knew you were gonna ask
Stranger: bye bye
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(At least this dude said “bye bye”)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hello i really dont care about ur age and from so… tell me the truth that how old are you and where are you from?
You: 32 old dude from California
Stranger: hey
You: hey
You: how’s that grab ya?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Nobody likes a liar)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Are you a horny girl willing to gave webcam sex or sext with me?
You: yes
Stranger: asl?
You: first send me $20
You: I’m a cyber whore
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Uh oh…my cyber pimp is gonna beat me tonight)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: I’m a 32 year old dude from California…wanna disconnect?
Stranger: yes
You: go for it
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(It’s good to get it over with quickly and move on)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: I’m a 32 year old dude from California…wanna disconnect?
Stranger: m or f?
You: you’re an idiot
Stranger: shut up
Stranger: fuck u
You: well what do YOU think “dude” means?
You: stumped you, huh, moron?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(I’m amazed that person knew how to work a computer much less the internet)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi asl
You: 32/m/USA
You: 3
You: 2
You: 1
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Nailed it!)
***********************

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: PASTA
You: um…garlic bread
Stranger: YOU’RE DOIN’ IT WRONG
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Anyone know the RIGHT answer here?)
***********************

So today I was designing a new shirt for the TANstore and I realized that between the TANstore and the official Tim Babb Comedy Shop, I’m probably putting waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time into this. But what can I say? I think these shirts would be fun to wear. In fact I’m trying to pick the one I’m going to buy for my birthday…

the 100% Nerd shirt

The Comcrap shirt

The Translate Server Error shirt

I know you need a closer look at that logo…

(The Chinese characters actually spell out “Translate Server Error”…at least, I think they do. Actually, it might be funnier if they don’t)

3 O’clock Parade Shirt

I’m not so much designing these stores so that other people will buy things as I am trying to make things for me So Happy birthday to me, I guess!

Today, I went to see the Star Trek Exhibit at the Tech Museum in San Jose with my friends Stephanie and (friend of TANcast) Geoff. While the exhibit was fun, it leaves you a bit under whelmed if you’ve been to Star Trek: The Experience in Las Vegas (Still waiting for that to re-open, by the way…WTF Vegas?)

But while there, Geoff and I got to talking about Star Trek: Deep Space Nine..specifically the “acting style” of Captain Sisko, played by Avery Brooks. He was over the top in a way that might even make Shatner jealous. And that reminded me of the following mash up I’d seen on YouTube some time ago: (you will be tempted to fast forward…don’t…experience it in full, as it was intended)

I can’t quite tell you why I find that so funny…but, damn it, I do! First off, I enjoy watching Brooks crew the shit out of that scenery. Secondly, the way the remix kicks in only after it’s been on a loop for about a minute straight really tickles me. I was talking with Steph’s boyfriend today about that phenomenon of repeating something until it’s no longer funny…and then you keep repeating it until it’s funny again. I don’t know what that works but it truly is a way to make me laugh…and it’s real…it’s reeeeal! Don’t you understand?! IT’S REAL!!!!!!

I got the impression that a few people thought my previous blog about Back to the Future indicated that I didn’t like the movie or that I thought the temporal paradox made the movie less enjoyable…far from it. The Back to the Future series is one of my all time favorites and so as a show of support, I shall defend this beloved movie from the criticisms leveled at it by the Now Playing Podcast. These criticisms are numbered but not in any special order. They’re just in the order I scribbled them down while re-listening to the episode and washing dishes. Also, there are 3 guys on the show Brock, Arnie, and Stuart…I didn’t keep track of who said what. So when I don’t name names below, it’s not to be insulting or anything. It’s just bad note taking. And now, you’ve gotta come back with me…

Criticism #1: Bad/Crammed Writing
One of the guys on the show contends that there is no joy in the way everything is set up and then ultimately pays off. I couldn’t disagree more. That is one of the major joys of this film. From Loraine’s story of the dance, to Doc’s story of the Flux Capacitor, even to Old Man Peabody’s pine trees…everything that comes into play finds a way to come in to play again to service the story. The guy says that he though every line “felt like homework,” I say this is a movie that rewards you for paying attention and doesn’t waste your time with an interminably long pod race.

Criticism #2: Micheal J. Fox is wrong for the role of Marty because He’s not a “rocker”
Again one of the boys over there at Now Playing contend that Michael J. Fox was miscast because Marty is supposed to be a “rocker” and Michael J. Fox is clearly not that. No, sir! Marty is every dork who WANTED to be a rock star. He’s the identifiable guy trying to raise his station in life. That’s why we root for him. “You go boy, you do what I can’t do and sit at the cool kids table.” You know who was miscast? Hayden Christensen as Anakyn Skywalker. (Two! Two prequel bashes…ha ha ha!!!)

Criticism #3: The DeLorean suddenly stalls out at the end
Just before the climactic lightning bolt/clock tower scene, the DeLorean stalls out and Marty can’t get it started. The question is posed, “when did the DeLorean start having engine problems?” He contends it’s never set up in tn the movie before that point. It IS set up when Marty first arrives in the 50′s. After Marty escapes the Peabody’s Farm, the car stalls out and Marty can’t get it started again which is why he has to hide it.

Criticism #4: Marty “forgetting” about what 88mph means/being too confused about being in the 50′s
When Marty first travels through time, he’s in the DeLorean being chased by terrorists (Aw crap! Now this blog just got flagged…everyone wave hi to the NSA. Sorry to waste your time, fellas. You’re doing a great job keeping us safe, though. Keep at it.). So at one point he says, “Let’s see if you bastards can do 90,” and one of the Now Playing guys thought it was inconceivable that he’d forgotten what happens at 88. Well, first of all let’s see what kind of details you recall when there’s a bazooka pointed at you after you’ve just watched your friend die. Secondly, he didn’t even know the time circuits were on. There is a shot where he’s shifting the car and his arm bumps the time circuits and turns them on. He is probably quite surprised when he ends up in 1955.

And as to the point of it being unrealistic that he was so confused about being there. How can the human brain have ANY reference for traveling through time? That’s like if you woke up tomorrow and everything in your town was different and you were the only one who knew…that would mess with your head.

Criticism #5: The movie doesn’t get good until we get to the 50′s
I’m sorry…this movie is good start to finish. The long opening shot in Doc’s lab, the band audition, the reveal of the DeLorean…all great, compelling stuff. Not to mention the race to save Doc’s life. I wholeheartedly disagree with the guy who said that you didn’t care what happened to Doc it was just “plot inertia” at the end of the film. I care for many reasons not the least of which being that you can clearly see that Marty cares.

Criticism #6: Earth Angel/Johnny B. Goode wasn’t necessary

Are you kidding? Of course it was necessary! Would everything that happened between George, Lorraine, and random raid haired bully who shows up have gone down the same way without Marty there? No. As Marty says, “If there’s no music, they can’t dance. If they can’t dance, the can’t kiss. If they don’t kiss, they can’t fall in love.” It pays of Loraine’s line in the beginning that kissing George on the dance floor was when she knew she wanted to marry him. PLUS it pays off Marty’s line where he laments that he’s “never gonna get a chance to play in front of anybody.” Marty finally gets to play the dance that his band was rejected from at the beginning of the movie. Marty completes his arc and at the same time resolves the love story in the movie. More of that great screen writing.

Criticism #7: Geroge McFly can’t be a successful author if we see his first book being published in 1985
I will admit to having this same thought as a kid, but if you actually pay attention, at the end of the movie when Biff brings George McFly’s book into the house, Loraine doesn’t say it’s his first “book” she says its his first “novel.” So it is conceivable that George has been writing non-fiction and/or short stories up to this point. He could have been writing self help books. He had a profound change of life experience. I could see a creative mind spinning that into a book teaching others how to shape their lives. Also, maybe the reason they are still in the same house is that they aren’t rich yet. If this is George’s first novel, maybe the big bucks are just about to start rolling in (hence the gift of a truck to their baby boy). So he’s been getting work as an author to this point, but now he’s getting his big pay day.

Criticism #8: Christopher Lloyd is a bad/over the top actor
Having not seen much of Lloyd’s work outside of Back to The Future, Star Trek III, and Angels in the Outfield (look for me in the stands), I can’t speak to him as an actor in general…but he is magnificent in this film. Sure he plays it broad a lot but there are quite a few soft moments that really drive home the friendship between Doc and Marty. I will grant that it’s never explained WHY they’re friends, but it’s clear they are good friends.

Criticism #9: Lea Thompson/Thomas F. Wilson are not as good in their 80′s incarnations
This couldn’t be more wrong. They both play middle aged so well. Lea especially has a great contrast between her character at the beginning of the movie, her character in the 50′s, and the altered version of her character at the end of the film. I liken it to Christopher Reeve’s Clark/Superman, so many great, perceivable, constructive differences in the characterization. I mean obviously she’s going to nail the younger version of Lorraine (come to think of it, I’d like to nail the younger version of Lorraine…hey-o!) but to pull of that repressed, broken, alcoholic housewife AND that total 80′s MILF…very impressive. I was similarly impressed with Tom Wilson’s Biff. He wasn’t quite to the same level as Thomson but he did a praise worthy job as well. Plus he signed my copy of the Back To the Future soundtrack and is a stand-up comic like me:

Okay he plays the guitar and headlines where ever he goes…but other than that, we’re basically the same.

Ok…that’s all I wrote down. I’m sure there were more criticisms of the film but this blog is long enough as it is. Also to be fair to the Now Playing guys, one of the three seemed to be a huge fan of the film and did a good job singing its praises and defending it. Also the guy who leveled a lot of these criticisms admitted that this was a good movie and he was just being “nit picky.” I can relate to that as a Star Trek fan who loves to take the piss out of Star Trek, but I feel like it comes from a place of love when I do it. On this show, it felt like the dude had genuine problems with the movie and only begrudgingly liked it. So I just wanted to come to this poor movie’s defense. BTTF is my BFF!

But I really have to say thank you to the Now Playing folks, for prompting me to think about this ol’ film and revel in all the things I enjoy about it.

So one of my Facebook “friends” posted the following picture with the caption “Irony defined” attached to it:

Really, chuckles? You’re gonna go with “irony” on that one? I’m no Grammar Girl, but I’m pretty sure I can define Irony:

irony
1 : a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other’s false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning —called also Socratic irony
2 a : the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony c : an ironic expression or utterance
3 a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity b : incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play —called also dramatic irony, tragic irony

(Source: Merriam-Webster)

As it applies to the photo, I think we’re looking at point 3 in the definition, “incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result.” So tell me what is incongruous about a truck with flames painted on it catching fire? Nothing. That’s not ironic, it’s oddly fitting. I think a better caption would be “Overkill Defined.”

If you really wanted to go with “Irony defined” as your caption, you could use this picture:

(Is it ironic that I’m spending a whole blog harping on grammar when this blog undoubtedly has a ton of grammar mistakes in it? I believe it is.)

Back to the Future is a classic piece of 80′s cinema. The sequels aren’t bad either, despite what those hammer heads at the Now Playing Podcast say. But the sequels don’t actually exist, because there is a sequel that we never saw…because it would be too depressing…I’m talking about “Back to the Future Part 1.5.” To set this up, we have to go back to the first movie…

Not as much Huey Lewis and antics this time

I’m sure most of you have seen the movie, but just to hit the important points: Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox…duh) is a high school student who’s parents (Lorraine and George) are in a sad, depressing state and he gets shot back in time and interferes with his parents meeting each other. Marty then has to intervene to make sure his parents meet and fall in love or else he’ll never be born. In intervening, he changes the nature of his parents’ relationship and ends up fundamentally altering his father’s personality. So when Marty returns to the future he finds that his parents are happier, healthier (and since it was the 80′s, wealthier) human beings and that life is a great deal sweeter than it used to be.

Pictured: Success in the 80′s

Well that’s all well and good but let’s take a half step back to where Marty arrives back in 1985. He shows up at the Lone Pine Mall in time to see his past self jump in to the time machine and head back to 1955. Except that’s not really his past self. The Marty at the end of the movie (Who we’ll call Marty II from now on) didn’t live the same life as Marty. Marty II grew up in this sweet life with these happy, successful parents. He’s never heard the story about how Loraine’s dad hit George with his car and they fell in love. Marty II has only heard the story where Biff tried to rape his mom (yipes!) and George came in and knocked him out with one punch. So when Marty II goes back in time, he’s going to be more than a little shocked to see George as the whimpering coward he was in 1955. Not to mention that when Marty II gets hit by the car and he wakes up in Lorraine’s room with her fawning all over him, he’s not going to have any reference for that.

“This is NOT what I meant by ‘MILF’”

So in the first movie Marty knew that he had messed up the George getting hit by the car thing so he came up with a plan to get George and Lorraine together at the dance by creating a situation where George would have to defend Lorraine’s honor. But in Back to the Future Part 1.5, Marty II doesn’t think he’s interfered yet. He probably still thinks Biff is going to try and rape his mom at the dance. And until that night doesn’t happen the way it did in the first movie, history hasn’t been altered and the photo wouldn’t start to erase itself. So Doc and Marty II would just chill at Doc’s place for a week.

“We’re gonna get this helmet to work it it takes all week”

So Marty II wouldn’t befriend his father, he wouldn’t end up taking Lorraine to the dance, Biff wouldn’t yank him out of the car and go after Lorraine, and George wouldn’t show up to stop Marty only to find Biff. But the lightning bolt and the clock tower are still on schedule. So Marty II still has to leave the night of the dance…the point in time in which history HAS changed and THEN the photo will start changing. But he will be too busy getting the DeLorean up to 88 in perfect time to hit the wire.

“That’s weird, I never noticed Dave’s hair was cut off in this picture”

Unfortunately, Marty II will arrive in a 1985 where he was never born. George will never have sacked up to confront Biff and Lorraine still will have no idea who George is. So they will never get married, they will never have Marty II, and Marty II can never go back in time and push George out of the way of that car…which will mean they do get married and they have Marty who goes back in time and changes history, and then results in another Marty II who doesn’t, which results in a Marty who does, which results in a Marty who doesn’t, which results in the unraveling of the very fabric of the space time continuum and the destruction of the entire universe.

Now we’ll NEVER see the hoverboards

Nice job, Marty…you’ve killed us all.

Tell ‘Em Steve Dave is a podcast featuring Brian Johnson and Walt Flanagan, tow friends of Kevin Smith who have been recurring guests on SModcast. Walt, in particular has been there for two of the funniest SModcsat moments. And now they have a podcast where they do what Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier used to do.

You see before SModcast started being all about how great weed is and the wonders of Wayne Gretzky, it used to just be two guys telling stories. While there are still glimmers of that showing through on SModcast, it feels much different these days. Especially since it seems like Scott Mosier has been absent a lot lately. But based on the first few episodes of Tell ‘Em Steve Dave, it seems like this is a podcast that brings the random humor and comradery that inspired TANcast back.

So I have to say, I’m looking more forward to Tell ‘Em Steve Dave than the next SModcast.

In 1984, the final Muppet movie to feature Jim Henson was released. It was called “The Muppets Take Manhattan.” The story follows everyone’s favorite felt family as they go from college to New York to try and sell their play, “Manhattan Melodies” on Broadway (It is never explained how or why they write a play about Manhattan without ever stepping foot in New York…or how it could possibly be good, but more on that later). Since Broadway had a shortage of kiddie themed shows at the time (this was pre-Lion King or Beauty and The Beast), Kermit is able to sell the show.

“Yeah I just sold the show. What could go wrong?”

Unfortunately, right after Kermit sells the show he goes missing when he gets hit by a taxi and develops amnesia (which is much better outcome than what happens to MOST frogs when they get hit by cars). The rest of the cast and crew spend two weeks prepping the show and looking for Kermit. Finally it is opening night and Kermit (still with amnesia) somehow finds himself backstage at the show just before curtain time. Miss Piggy gives him a good karate chop and his memories come back (because that’s how that would work).

Still better medicine than Kaiser.

So they catch Kermit up on the fact that it’s opening night and it’s time to start the show. Kermit is hesitant because he says there’s still something “missing” form the show (oh…he’s been saying that the whole movie…did I forget to mention that? Ah well) They convince Kermit to go on anyway and on the way to the stage they pass a bunch of random Muppets (frogs, bears, chickens, etc) and Fozzie asks if they can watch the show from backstage and Kermit decided THAT is what has been missing, “More frogs, and dogs and bears..and whatever! You’re not gonna watch the show, you’re gonna be IN the show.” …and that brings me to the point of this blog.

“C’mon gang. You’re going to help tear open a plot hole! Yaaaay!!!

How in the world did Kermit re-work the script and give it to these new “actors” in time for them to learn their parts?! I mean Kermit makes this call LITERALLY on his way to the stage…seconds before the opening number! Then the open number is maybe 15 seconds long and BOOM…all these people who had no idea they were going to be in a play a minute ago are all of a sudden in costumes and singing and dancing like they’d been planning this for years.

“I can see how we planned this in less than a minute.”

And they have all these elaborate props and moving scenery…where did that come from? None of the original cast is in the second number? Did they have all that laying around? If so, this could perhaps be the best improv troupe EVER!

“Hey you use that cut out of a bus, I’m going to dress like a police officer and direct traffic.”

“we’re gonna put on these construction hats and put up this ‘Dogs At Work’ sign”

“Wow…lucky they were expecting some talking/singing dogs to come by the theater.”

“Every theater has this stuff, right?”

Then we jump to the finale, the wedding of Kermit and Piggy in a huge church set. No wonder Kermit thought something was missing. If it hadn’t been for all of those extra “actors” most of that church would be empty. That’s just poor set design. Why design a church that seats hundreds if your play has 11 actors in it? No wonder Broadway tickets are so expensive. Wasteful…just wasteful. Thank goodness Kermit was able to make that work with only a few moments of rational thought.

How are Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem in the second row on the left if they are in the orchestra pit playing the music?

But lets put all that aside for a second. It’s a good thing that the film ends immediately after the play’s finale so we don’t see the audience riot and the Muppets get run out of town on a rail. From curtain up to the end of the play, Manhattan Melodies is 7 minutes and 32 seconds long. I know some guys out there have wished that Broadway musicals were that short…but it is not the case. Most Broadway shows are longer than the entire Muppets Take Manhattan movie.

Look out behind you , green guy…they’re coming with pitch forks!

But we’ll set length aside for a second as well…let’s focus on the “plot” of Manhattan Melodies. The play starts with a bunch of animals singing about how it’s great to be “together again.” Okay…but who are you and why weren’t you together before this? Do we get to find out? Nope! When the number ends they all disappear to reveal a busy Manhattan street where there is a breaking front page news story. What is that story? “Somebody’s Getting Married.”

I guess crime was on vacation that day

Yes, it is the slowest news day in the history of Manhattan…and perhaps the world. The entire city seems to be a buzz with the news that somebody’s getting married. Now I could see if a pig and a frog were getting married that it might make a few heads turn, but they don’t say that…they just repeat “somebody.” It’s almost as though the identity of the soon-to-be married couple is a mystery. But then the play takes a dramatic turn when…they get married. That’s it. Curtain down. Thanks for coming. Drive safe. Man, if you thought Mama Mia wasn’t compelling, you are gonna gouge your eyes out at this “story.”

“You were right…I would have rather watched Legally Blonde”

So I guess after this, the show closes. Which I guess is good since most of those extra “actors” wouldn’t necessarily be available for an extended run. So that would have been awkward. But hey…at least they lived their dream and performed on Broadway…for one night.

Despite all this…Muppets Take Manhattan is STILL my favorite Muppet movie! Thus proving something doesn’t have to make sense to be awesome!

First off…sorry folks this week’s episode is a ways off I am busy and a little sick and the former is making the latter worse. I swear it will be worth the wait. (I’m quite proud of Noah and Andy on this week’s show)

But last night was Oscar night!!! As your intrepid Hollywood reported (who just drove by the Kodak Theater moments ago…several sloooooow moving moments ago), I know you give a shit what I thought. So here goes…

Actually I’m amazed that I HAVE an opinion! I haven’t seen most of the nominated films (Hence I was rooting for “Up”). For some reason I was rooting against Avatar. I dunno why. I haven’t seen it. Kevin Smith seemed to like it. Andy and Noah seemed to have at least enjoyed it. Part of is it that I don’t like James Cameron. Anyone who breaks it off with Sarah Connor is an idiot of the highest sort. Then, I guess, part of it is the hype. I was over this movie before it came out. I was just inundated with how this movie was going to “change movies forever.” Then the previews looked not as good as the average Pixar movie.

And Sandra Bullock…hell yes! Winning a Razzie and an Oscar in the same year. The first actor to do it. I just have always liked her since she ran over the baby carriage in Speed. I haven’t seen the movie she won for…and there’s no guarantee that I ever will. But, you go Sandra!!! Hell yeah!

I won’t go through the rest of the catagorys but I will say that Star Trek is officially an “Academy Award winning movie!” w00t! Suck it, Transformers!

Also people have been complaining on Twitter that Michael Jackson was mentioned in the look back at people who died in 2009, but Farrah Fawcett wasn’t. Ok…I get with you being hurt with them leaving Farrah out…she wasn’t a “movie star,” she was a television actress for the most part, but she DID do some movies. But I’m not down with these people who are saying Michael didn’t belong on that real. He has contributed to film in a number of ways. Aside from playing one of the leads in the Wiz, he had a small part in Men in Black 2, he performed the themes to Free Willy, Free Willy 2 and the immortal “Ben.” Not to mention that his music videos were considered to be “short films” by many. Just look at the talent he had behind the camera: John Landis, Martin Scorcesse, John Singleton, and OF course George Lucas and Francs Ford Copilla for a little 3D adventure playing in Disneyland RIGHT NOW! I for one was glad they gave Michael a brief mention. But I AM sorry they skipped Farrah…and also Wayne Alwyne (The voice of Mickey Mouse) May all or lost favorites rest in peace and may we carry our love for there work with us no matter who is a fuck stick and tries to ignore/shit on them.

…ok…no time to spell check this train wreck. I gotta go. Kisses!!!

If you don’t follow me on Twitter or Facebook, then you missed this post:

“Wow! We are accidentally recording a really interesting TANcast!”

We were half way through recording this week’s show and I was really enjoying listening to Andy and Noah go back and forth. I truly think it was one of our most interesting shows.

But then after that we fell into our normal crap and Noah sent us a link to this picture:

I wanted to give those of you who read TANcast.com a jump on the folks who only listen to the podcast. Now when we mention this on the show you’ll already know about it.

…and knowing is half the battle!

Since yesterday I wrote and anti-republican blog (Technically, it was anti-PALIN blog. That’s an important distinction in my eyes) today I’d like to write a little something more pro-republican.

Last Friday on Real Time with Bill Maher, there were two liberals and one conservative on the panel (plus Bill, who leans far more liberal than not). They liberals kept attacking the conservative for things he wasn’t saying. He was making some interesting points, but they seemed to ignore them and move on to bashing what they wanted to bash anyway. I realize this is a comedy show, but I think the conservative cracked the door open for an interesting debate…but the liberals just wanted to say what was bad about other conservatives.

I hate that crap. C’mon people, do we really have to keep this “us” vs “them” thing going on in politics? Look, you like tax breaks and I like government programs…neither one of us hates this country. Our political representatives are going to continue to be shooting the other party’s ideas down on principle unless we say, “Hey fuck sticks, enough of this ‘my way or the highway’ bullshit. You have a vision for the country, they have a vision for the country…figure out a way to reconcile the two in a compromise and fucking GET SHIT DONE!!! All this arguing and flag humping is not making me any safer, getting my kids better educated, or getting my job back.”

“Also…stop fucking cheating on your wives! Sweet bastard! Keep it in your fucking pants, asshole! You realize any helpful message you might have about the state of the country will be drowned out by screams of “ADULTERER!!!”

I’m Tim Babb and I approve this message.

Ok…I was annoyed when she implied that there was a “real” America and, by implication an unreal America.

I was disappointed in the way she misrepresented the health care debate.

It rolled my eyes when she quit her governorship half way through her term.

But THIS is too far…she was on Jay Leno’s second night of his ill-gotten Tonight Show where she proceeded to try her hand at stand-up comedy. FUCK THAT!

First off, do NOT take focus away from the fact that Jay Leno stole the Tonight Show away from a more deserving host again. This stunt is getting his show talked about and that is not what we need.

Second, I’ve been a stand up for almost 8 years..I would LOVE that spot on the Tonight Show! (Yes, even with Jay Leno hosting…it’s called being a hypocrite…look in to it…oh wait, she has) Don’t pay some desperate comedy writers a bunch of money to write you some jokes and then pawn it off on us like you’re now a stand-up comedian while I’m schlepping my ass around in the rain, driving an hour and a half to do 10 minutes at an open mic in the middle of Pickyournose, Nowhere!

Lastly, you CLEARLY have no sense of humor! That is obvious based on your reactions to the David Letterman joke, the Family Guy Episode, even Saturday Night Live. I’m pretty sure a sense of humor is a basic requirement to being a stand up comic (all evidence from Larry the Cable Guy, not withstanding)

So stay the fuck out of stand up, Palin. Write THAT on your hand so you remember it, whore. Do you want ME to come to where YOU work and make bone headed governmental decisions? I didn’t think so.

Oh and Mr. Leno, if you’d like to book me for an appearance on your show, I can be reached at tim@tancast.com (Hypocrisy: It’s not just for politicians anymore!)

In 1986, a trifecta of awesome was bestowed upon young Tim Babb. Someone decided to combine the “Star Wars guy” (George Lucas) with Michael Jackson and do it in Disneyland. In doing so, they caused my young brain to melt with sheer joy. It was a 17 minute 3-D movie called Captain EO…and it’s back!!!

I went on last weekend to behold the glory and I was, indeed, transported back to my youth. But there was one thing I wasn’t expecting…I do not remember Angelica Houston’s character being kinda hot.

Maybe it’s because she’s part black and part white (I can relate to THAT). Maybe it’s because being raised on Star Trek makes me predisposed to be attracted to aliens (and she looks a little like the Borg Queen from Star Trek: First Contact)…but when watching her this time I was like, “Well HELLO, Supreme Leader! YOU can infect MY world with YOUR presence anytime. Snoogans!” I mean she comes with her own “play time” suspension rig. What more could you ask for?

PS-Happy 10th Anniversary, Melanie! You’re doin’ it!

Somehow, after the past two rounds, Possible Douche 1 and Possible Douche 2 are chatting again. Let’s see who “wins” this round…

**Possible Douche 1 starts a chat with Possible Douche 2

Possible Douche 1
When’s the next time you’re going to the park?

Possible Douche 2
Today or tomorrow.

Possible Douche 1
Oh cool! We should say hi!

Possible Douche 2
“Hi”
done lol

Possible Douche 1
wow…you’re hella rude. K bye

Possible Douche 2
Did you mean to say “hella funny?”

Possible Douche 1
nope

Possible Douche 2
I’m pretty sure you did

Possible Douche 1
‘Cause that was definitely not one of your funny moments

Possible Douche 2
Hmmmm I respectfully disagree

Possible Douche 1
Ok…that’s fine

**at this point all communication from Possible Douche 1 stops abruptly

And it looks like Possible Douche 1 may be retiring from the game. PD1 will be missed. (not really) That is one sensitive douche!

Yes, that Jenny McCarthy.

Someone on television (perhaps Daniel Tosh) had poked gentle fun at her, implying, as I recall, that she only looks sane by virtue of standing next to Jim Carrey all the time.

Perhaps I have that backwards. It’s not important.

The argument boils down to this: I saw Jenny McCarthy on TV and, almost reflexively, expressed my opinion of her as follows (this is verbatim): “Fuck Jenny McCarthy!”

My wife came to the ex-Playmate’s cause, chastising me for not understanding the nuances of a mother’s guilt and fears when it comes to the health of her offspring. Her essential point, as I understand it, is that a mother, facing the horror of a child whose life will be difficult at best, may be forgiven for grasping at straws, seeking solace in some explanation which may allow her to forgive herself by providing an outside culprit.

I explained that I can understand that sort of irrational guilt; the blame we heap upon ourselves for uncontrollable events can become a person’s hell. Accepting her argument, basically that we all go a little mad sometimes, I nevertheless responded:“Fuck Jenny McCarthy!”

Allow me to elaborate.

She is a leading voice of anti-vaccination idiocy on this side of the Atlantic, trading on her star power to try to convince the easily-frightened sheeple, watching whatever irresponsible news/talk show that decided she was an important voice in the debate, that vaccines caused her baby’s autism.

Her own complete lack of medical or scientific knowledge, and in fact her lack of any supporting evidence beyond her earnest claims that “she just knows”, apparently pose no barrier to her, so on she goes spewing her dangerous, anti-intellectual, anti-fact activism.

Or, more succinctly:“Fuck Jenny McCarthy!”

My poor wife forgot an important fact. I’m always fucking right.

According to a headline on thewrap.com: “It’s Over! NBC to Pay Conan $30M”

I feel bad for everyone in this situation…except NBC. They really screwed the pooch. They should have let Conan walk 5 years ago or they should let Jay go now, but don’t screw with the Tonight Show like this and then try and act like it’s either Conan or Jay’s fault that their ratings suffered. You made the choice to split the audiences and now you’re enjoying the lack of ratings because of it.

If I were Jay, I’d bow out gracefully. You went out number 1 on the Tonight Show. Don’t come back to it just to milk it. Let Conan succeed or fail on his own. I mean I know it sucks you were pushed out and ten set up to fail and now they’re making you out to be the bad guy…but you have a chance to prove you’re the good guy you’re rumored to be if you bow out now.

I hope Conan is able to go back to the airwaves soon…and it sucks for his staff that he uprooted from New York to come out to LA. I mean Conan will be fine but I’m sure most of the folks on the staff aren’t getting 30 million out of this. It might be hard for them.

NBC, lick my nuts!

First of all, does it strike anyone else that this happens so soon after Comcast buys NBC/Universal? They weren’t content with fucking up our TV viewing experience in the delivery…they wanted to fuck it up at the source!

So, from where I sit (which is, admittedly, a position that makes me just as uninformed as the next asshole) this just sucks for everyone. But what I mainly see is a lot of blow back hostility directed at Jay Leno. Now I know not a lot of the “cool kids” are down with Jay Leno but I feel he is to late night what Larry the Cable Guy is to stand up…he’s not on the edge doing the things that no one’s done before, he’s serving a large niche and serving it extremely well.

Leno was number 1 when he was forced to retire 5 years ago and he was #1 the day he went off the air. You can’t blame him for wanting to stick around, he did the job he was supposed to do and got pushed out for it.

Please don’t take this to mean I’m on “Team Leno” (as if being on any “team” makes a difference). Conan earned his shot and he deserves the chance to make it work. I’m on “Team Fuck NBC.” They are trying to have their cake and eat it too and it just doesn’t work. You can’t have both Jay AND Conan. There can be only one rooster in this hen house (or peacock, I guess). Choose one and let the other go.

Even the trailer is horrible! I know we complain a lot that the trailer “shows the whole movie,” but this one totally did. Step by step to what is assuredly the ending! It is obvious to anyone who has ever seen a movie before that she will accept her boyfriend’s proposal, then break it off at the last second to get together with the douche who drove her across Europe for the sole purpose of proposing to her boyfriend.

This is an annoying staple of these “chick flicks” the girl is with a guy but then breaks it off at the last second to be with some other guy. (Sleepless in Seattle, Sweet Home Alabama, Runaway Bride, Titanic, the Wedding Planner, the Wedding Singer, etc). I love this message. “Hey ladies, no matter how close you are to marriage, feel free to ditch the guy who loves you and has been with you all this time at the last second because you met a new guy.”

Kill yourself, Hollywood!

It reminds me of how I and the other TANlads could always tell whether we’d played Grand Theft Auto 3 or Grand Theft Auto: Vice City more recently by whether or not we wanted to steal police cars. In GTA 3 those things had great handling and could take a ton of damage, but in GTA:VC they drove like top-heavy boats.

Then there was Spider-Man 2 on the Xbox and Tim pretending to web-sling and swing through the house and down the halls at his old job.

Maybe that’s the hallmark of a good sandbox game: the degree to which you get mindfucked by it…

PS: 10 TANpoints to the first comment that knows where this post’s title comes from. Don’t be lazy and Google for it. The points are completely worthless.

Back in round 1, Possible Douche 1 knew the secret hiding spots of two stopped clocks in Disneyland and wouldn’t tell Possible Douche #2 (or the rest of the members of the Disney chat board they were on). One was revealed to be in Sleeping Beauty Castle…but Possible Douche 1 refused to reveal the location of the other clock. Then Possible Douche 2 deliberately wasted Possible Douche 1′s time claiming to have other information Possible Douche 1 was seeking.

And now, Round 2!

**This round begins during an IM conversation!…

Possible Douche 1
I went to Disneyland for 4 days AND I FEEL FINNNNNNNNNNE

Possible Douche 2
Nice. Did you ever solve your little clock mystery?

Possible Douche 1
No. We got on the boat, but cause we got picked to be part of the parade thing (princess and the frog), we totally forgot. There were a couple things we wanted to do and that was one of them.

Possible Douche 2
The second one is on the Mark Twain?

Possible Douche 1
Oh shit! =X LOL I slipped! bwahahahahahaha

Possible Douche 2
I WIN!!! Ha hah ahahahahahahahahaha ahhahahahahahhaha

Possible Douche 1
Shit! I cant believe myself right now. I especially wasn’t gonna tell you ’cause u were bein’ mean!

Possible Douche 2
You started it…and I finished it!

Possible Douche 1
Nope. You still don’t know where

Possible Douche 2
Go Possible Douche 2, Go Possible Douche 2, it’s your birthday!

Possible Douche 1
Ok…I’ll ask you another mystery…Do you agree that everything Disney does has a reason? Usually not just some random decor. It always means something.

Possible Douche 2
Nope

Possible Douche 1
No?

Possible Douche 2
In fact “Hidden mickeys” started off as something people saw not something that was intended.

Possible Douche 1
…eh. I’ve heard both. But anyways…at the front of the line for Space Mountain and in the Pizza Port area they have those big planter boxes. And there’s these huge eggs in there…like big glass rock egg things…wtf are they?! I wonder if they are something from the old attractions. Totally weird.

Possible Douche 2
Something they found at Michael’s craft store and said “Fuck it use those and we’ll punch out for the day” lol

Possible Douche 1
nooooooooooo

Possible Douche 2
Is it the clock in the Captains living quarters?

Possible Douche 1
What…oh…on the boat. Maybe…I’m not tellin.’ You gotta look.

Possible Douche 2
I’m done with you. I have no desire to look I just wanna know

Possible Douche 1
psh…See? So mean!

Possible Douche 2
No, not mean. Mean is to raise the issue and not tell me.

Possible Douche 1
So if I told you, would you wanna go look?

Possible Douche 2
Yeah ’cause I’d know right where to go and I could go look…as opposed to wasting my time searching the ship like I’m a CSI trying to solve a case.

Possible Douche 1
You do have like 20 min on it.

Possible Douche 2
Yeah I’d rather be watching the scenery as opposed to sniffing around the bowels of the ship.

Possible Douche 1
Oh hush. You have been on it a million times.

Possible Douche 2
Yes…because I like the scenery

Possible Douche 1
OMG…I can ask you…my memory is failing me. Is the cabin on the Rivers of America still burning or is that ancient?

Possible Douche 2
You should go look!

Possible Douche 1
I hate you.

Possible Douche 2
How is that different?

Possible Douche 1
Its not a secret.

Possible Douche 2
Apparently it is

Possible Douche 1
No, I just have a shitty memory. It’s like, “Is space mountain still a ride?”

Possible Douche 2
If you don’t know, it’s a secret to you.

Possible Douche 1
I’m never coming to any of your shows again!

Possible Douche 2
Well I’m not going to tell you where they are. It’s a secret. shhhhhhhhhh

Possible Douche 1
pssssssh I got 4 people to come last time. Hecka nice…and you are hecka mean!

Possible Douche 2
I am hecka loveable

Possible Douche 1
You used to be.

Possible Douche 2
You have it hecka backwards.

Possible Douche 1
Nope

Possible Douche 2
Yup…so…where on the ship? lol

Possible Douche 1
So I see that its not burning anymore…but why?

Possible Douche 2
THAT’S a secret

Possible Douche 1
Ok 1 guess though…is it…ummm…whats it called…a pc change?

Possible Douche 2
Oh…it’s not a secret that I know. That’s why I assume it’s a secret. I don’t think it’s PC though because the narration used to be a waring about what “man does when he doesn’t respect the environment”

Possible Douche 1
hmm

Possible Douche 2
Victory is sweet
**Possible Douche 2 posts the following picture

Possible Douche 1
You got it. But now…why is it stopped on that time? Same with the castle clock?

Possible Douche 2
But I found another picture of it at another time

Possible Douche 1
Seriously?

Possible Douche 2
Looks to be about 4:20 (Snoogans)
**Possible Douche 2 posts the following picture

Possible Douche 1
OMG ASSHOLE STONERS!!!!! that is so fucked up!

Possible Douche 2
That is such BS! You have to ask the captain for special permission to even go in that room. I never would have found it just by “looking”

Possible Douche 1
hehehe… sorry

Possible Douche 2
THAT is mean!

**At this point Possible Douche 2 posts both pictures on the message board that Possible Douche 1 specifically told him in round one not to post them on.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!!!

Winner = Possible Douche 2
Possible Douche 2 = Tim “Douching it up” Babb

Suck it!!!

So unless you actually have the brain of a beauty pageant queen, you know that the question was not at all inappropriate. She really just didn’t want to admit that the lawsuits were about money and fame more than some ethical position. She didn’t have a good answer, so she jumped straight into offended mode.

Well, Miss Prejean, if you’d like to be offended here are 5 questions Larry SHOULD have asked you:

1) If the wind “blew open your top” in these photos…why isn’t your hair blown about as well?

2) Is Sarah Palin your hero because George W. Bush was too intellectual for you?

3) I know you come from a conservative family, but don’t you think your mother is coming closer and closer to changing her views on abortion every time you open your idiot mouth?

4) I refuse to believe you’ve even READ a book much less written one…who really wrote that piece of shit you’re trying to hock on my show like it’s QVC?

5) C’mon…admit it, you’re a lesbian aren’t you? Sarah Palin isn’t your “hero,” she’s who you think about when you diddle yourself on video, am I right?

I have recently gone to the theater to see “Michael Jackson’s This Is It.” It was a great movie. Not in the way that Casablanca was a great movie, but in the way that it was a chance to spend a final 2 hours with MJ watching him do what he did best: sing and dance.

I don’t think there’s another artist alive or dead that I would sit down and watch almost 2 hours of them. Not to take anything away from the Beatles or Elvis or Sinatra, but after a couple songs, I’m full. But this movie could have gone on longer and I would have still been on board.

What’s great is it doesn’t try to be super over emotional/sentimental like “he’s dead and you should be sad.” It just shows the footage of him going through the songs that you loved. Seeing him tweaking things and planning. I thought it was very interesting and also a chance to watch him perform one last time.

It is a shame that the This Is It tour will never happen. He/they put a lot into that show. It’s not like he was just gonna put on his glove and fedora and moonwalk for a few songs and collect a check…he was putting on A SHOW!!! Cirque du MJ, if you will.

And that leads me to my “Tough Decision.” Last year it was rumored that the reason the Las Vegas Hilton removed the Star Trek Experience was to make room for a Michal Jackson stage. At the time, I was quite irritated about this (as long time listeners of the show are probably already aware).

But as I sat there and watched the fantastic things that they were creating to augment the talent of Michael, I am forced to reconcile whether it was a worthy replacement to the Star Trek Experience. I would have loved to have seen that show. It MIGHT have been worth giving up The Experience to see.

…sadly. Now I get neither.

I owe you all a lot of posts. I’m throwing this up first because the clock is ticking. I’ll punch myself in the nuts once I’m done.

2D Boy, the insane geniuses behind World of Goo, are having a sale. You have one day to get this game for whatever price you want to pay for it.

If you are a cheap bastard, pay a penny and make baby Jeebus (and PayPal) cry. If you can spare $5, pay that. If you like number sequences, pay $3.14 or $12.34 or $24.68.

This is a crazy, well-writen, fascinating, physics-based puzzle game. It’s available on every PC platform. There is no DRM or other dickishness attached, which might explain why it’s one of the most pirated games out there.

So go legit if you have a warez copy. Buy a copy cheap if you are just plain curious. Donate a ton of money if you feel like supporting small developers.

Whatever you do, do it by October 25.

* – Okay, technically, the sale’s been going on since October 13 and they extended it though this Sunday, but I’ve had a busy week and didn’t notice.

I don’t know how it happened or when, but somebody hit Google Maps with a big ol’ Stupid Stick. Suddenly dozens of streets (including the one I live on) display the wrong name and most points of interest seem to be at least several hundred yards away from their actual location.

As an example, Google currently labels “Glenridge Pl. NE” in Atlanta, GA as “Johnson Ferry Rd. NE”, which is a nearby thoroughfare. If they haven’t fixed the problem by the time you read this, you can compare Google Maps to Yahoo! Maps and Bing Maps (previously called Windows Live Local, Windows Live Maps, and Live Search Maps, because Microsoft believes in brand confusion). If you look a little to the northeast, you’ll find a point of interest label for a Macy’s in the middle of a parking lot, though that’s less egregious than others I’ve seen.

Oddly, Google even seems to know it’s wrong. If you search for an existing address Google will still drop a pin on the correct street, even if that pin is right beside a street label that contradicts it.

We’ve all ceded control over “truth” to Google and Wikipedia, so maybe I should just give up and start using my new street name…

I think I’ve been clear on my feelings towards attention-starved media whores.

On October 15th, the world waited for a little boy to pop out of a balloon his pseudo-scientist (oops, the polite term is “amateur scientist”) father built, or else for him to die horribly so we could all shake our heads and say “what a shame”, then resume searching the web for celebrity porn tapes. It turned out mostly okay.

Late that night, Wolf Blitzer, in his best imitation of Larry King, missed the little boy apparently giving away that the whole situation was a hoax (check out the 40s mark).

I was entirely unsurprised. Maybe it is because I assume people who have been on Wife Swap are attention whores. Maybe it is because I paid attention to Mythbusters. Or to Aesop.

Now the local authorities have begun investigations, and it seems Richard will have some ‘splaining to do.

This is the story I’ve been looking forward to; the one where the asshole who wasted time and taxpayer money gets what’s coming.

At first I thought, “Geez! That kid is still the lead story. You people suck.” But then…something in that picture caught my eye which actually made me click on the story. When you see the photo full size, you’ll understand…

Yup that’s a six year old boy bending over and creepy old dude with a mustache taking a picture of his ass. WTF?!

Really, Yahoo? You thought this encapsulated the story the best? This just begins a whole new story? What’s wrong with that man? Is anyone going to stop him? Can this possibly be legal?

Perhaps this photo DOES answer the question of why little Falcon told his brother to tell everyone he was on that balloon.

“If he thinks I’m dead maybe he’ll stop trying to take pictures of my butt. Run brother! Tell the world I am floating in a balloon.”

“They will see right through that. There’s no way that balloon could hold your weight.”

“Damn it man I’m desperate! Do this for me!”

“Ok, brother…farewell!”

Yes, I socked myself in the right nut and then backdated this post to Sunday.

I finally watched Beowulf with the wife last night. In short, my impression was: Gaimam is a talented writer (and I guess so is Avery), Zemeckis still has a hard-on for creepy CGI, and I feel like I’ve seen parts of this someplace else.

The underlying idea Gaiman and Avery set up is that the epic poem is the product of an unreliable narrator. A proud, boastful warrior has sold history his own biography as tall tale, and his loyal friend/kinsman can’t bear to see past the myth to the flawed man beneath. This idea that the poem I read 15 or so years ago was a snow job was compelling, and the writers used it as a fulcrum to shift the entire story away from having a one-dimensional hero kill a few zero-dimensional enemies/monsters. Instead they offer up a story of human vices and shortcomings, temptations and regrets, and heroic deeds born of pride and shame.

The technical execution was, to my taste, a little less excellent. While Beowulf’s eyes weren’t as death-thing-creepy as the passengers on The Polar Express, computer-generated humans still have the waxy, bouncy look of corpses on wires. Mocap has come a long way, but you can still see Pinocchio’s strings. The fire effects looked great, but the generous quantities of moving, splashing, foaming water looked like a cross between mercury and sand. I know the water-air boundary is hard to model, but it’s the director’s responsibility to choose shots that downplay any technical deficiencies. In fairness, I’m not sure this movie could have been made live action without thousands of effects shots and double the budget, and Robert Zemeckis deserves some credit for pushing the state of the art forward every time he does one of these all-CGI extravaganzas.

The artistic execution was a mixed bag. The cast turned in some excellent performances, for the most part, with Brendan Gleeson, Crispin Glover, and Anthony Hopkins standing out especially. On the other hand, like many epic or period pieces before it the accents somehow devolved into “pick your own British-ish delivery and try to stick with it”. Hearing John Malkovich’s unique drawl and Anthony Hopkins’ Welsh (I think) accent when both were supposed to be Danes, or Ray Winstone’s Cockney (again, I think) and Brendan Gleeson’s Irish accents when they played related Geats was just distracting. At least Alexander, for all its flaws, stuck to Irish accents for all the Macedonians and more posh British accents for the Greeks.

Parts of the movie were touching, parts were exciting, parts were distracting, and a few action scenes seemed really familiar.

I’d do the movie a disservice if I leave you with the impression that 300 fucked God of War and had a Beowulf. It wasn’t great, but some of it was excellent and the whole was at least good.

I’d watch it again some time. Y’know… If I run out of porn or something.

I just got a fireproof, waterproof external hard drive from ioSafe. Given the recent spate of end-of-days weather and my bout of terminal heathenism, I thought it best to be prepared. If they had one that was frog-, blood-, locust-, lightning bolt-, and zombie army-proof I’d probably have paid for the upgrade.

The only problem with owning such an awesomely serious piece of hardware (I swear to Super Panda this thing weighs 25 lbs.) is that you only get to show off the coolest features during an emergency.

I don’t know if I mentioned this on TANcast before, but I used to make my own black powder. My final presentation in High School Chemistry cleared a lecture hall. I’ve burned all the hair off one of my arms. More than once.

Do you see what I’m getting at here? Do you see how there may be a certain compulsion I’m choking back?

(Burn it all down!)

Wait. What was that?

(Oh shit! He can hear us?)

Um, I think I need to go take a cold shower in a dark room and think of things burning. No, NOT burning! Not.

Ah well. If we lose the house at least I know our taxes, Junior’s baby pictures, and my porn collection will be safe.

I know I’ve played this tune before, but listen up, heathens: Daddy’s got something new for you to worship!

First some background, just in case you aren’t up to date on my drama:

I’ve recently been confronted with the uncomfortable fact of my own mortality and the realization that I might have 20-30 more years (tops) instead of the 40-50 I’d been planning for. As a friend pointed out this means I’m due for a mid-life crisis right about now.

I don’t fit in tiny little sports cars and my wife’s in her 20s so there’s no need to chase 20-something tail. That leaves me with “crisis of faith” or “binge drinking”, and as the son of an alcoholic son of an alcoholic the latter seems… ill-advised.

Crisis of faith it shall be!

Ahem! Ummmmmm. (cough) Aaaaaaaaah. Can you all hear me okay? Alright, here goes.

There is no God.

It’s weird to say that; almost like I’ve abandoned my childhood.

Still, it’s oddly freeing.

I’ve always been uncomfortable with the much-beloved (especially by the modern brand of fag-hating, GOP-worshiping, Ten-Commandments-should-be-stamped-everywhere, born-again evangelicals) idea of Santa God sitting up in cotton ball clouds handing out goodies to all the little homeschooled kids in modest prairie dress who pray extra super hard. It just bugged me, theologically speaking. Even so, I’ve gone through life with the semi-conscious belief that all good things are God’s Gift and all bad things are God’s Unknowable Plan.

When I stepped back and reevaluated myself, I realized that I haven’t seen a single thing that’s not more rationally explained by science and reason than by a supernatural being or process. Physics and biology get us from the Big Bang to the moment I type this just fine. You don’t need a spooky puppeteer, just math.

The wonder of my little boy’s birth is the outcome of millions of years of evolution shaping biological imperatives (me likey the sex!), thousands of years of human cultural development (existence of dedicated medical professionals), and hundreds of years of scientific advancements (steroids to help his lungs develop). It’s no less amazing just because I can understand and no less special when credit isn’t given to someone theoretical. My world is no less beautiful today than it was a year or a decade ago. I am no less ethical and no more of an asshole.

If there is nothing else, if we are all sacks of self-aware flesh, then real morality stems from these simple truths:

1. There is only this life, only this justice, only this chance to do right and good.
2. If we are all the same then nobody is superior to anyone else.
3. There are no “chosen people”, no “righteous few” whose actions are blessed by a higher power, just all of us meat puppets trying not to suffer.

I’m heading into dangerous waters, though. Atheists are mistrusted and discriminated against. Glenn Beck and others are accusing atheists of destroying America. I may have joked about becoming a member of an oppressed minority, but truth be told that’s a lot of drama.

Skimming the research, it seems it’s the actual lack of belief in a higher power that engenders the negative reactions. Even if my God hates your god, we can at least understand that it is because my God loves peanut butter and your god has a severe nut allergy. If Bob has no belief in a deity then he exists outside our understanding. How does he resolve the great Nut Question if he doesn’t believe that my God OR your god exists?

To steal a quote from my friend, every group of people everywhere at every point in time has felt the need to create a deity. There’s just something about us that feels the need to have something bigger than us.

So now we’ve come all the way back to the beginning of this post. I’ve created a supreme being.

I call it Super Panda.

A (non-Super) Panda

Super Panda has nothing to do with everyday life or the course of the universe.

Super Panda eats celestial bamboo in a place we can never observe and takes frequent naps that do not affect the outcome of anything.

Super Panda does not care if you do or do not worship it or anything else.

Super Panda does not listen to prayer, grant wishes, usher souls into the afterlife, cause rain to fall, or demand sacrifice.

Super Panda is not aware that you exist, and nothing you ever do will change that.

Super Panda may have pooped out the Big Bang, but probably not.

I know others have created parody religions before, but that is not what this is. Super Panda-ism is as different from parody religions as parody religions are from mainstream religion, but in the other direction. Parody religions point out the futility of faith by aping its trappings. Super Panda-ism accepts the futility of faith as a simple matter of fact and then gets on with life. It doesn’t matter what type of silly hat you wear or what color you believe your invisible unicorn to be. Both are equally meaningless to Super Panda.

So if you like saving time but don’t want to be one of those damn dirty non-believers, join me in the New Chirch of Super Panda. Services are held on the 15th of Never. There will be no request for money as there is no such thing as a “Chirch” so there will never be anything to build. There are no rules to follow; just be the same decent human beings you already should have been (that’s a personal request, not cannon).

There’s no need for the Ghost of Damnation Yet to Come if you just maintain the standard expectation that people should try not to be douchebags.

Image courtesy of Ticky_ on flickr

A bit over 4 years ago, Microsoft announced that they would be including a new document layout file format, later named the “XML Paper Specification“, with the release of Windows that would eventually be called Windows Vista.

The XPS format was intended to both compete with Adobe’s Portable Document Format in the field of a document layout (and for some hardware, the printer interface itself) and in some ways to replace the extremely long-in-tooth Windows Metafile/Enhanced Metafile format.  Ars Technica has a trio of writeups on this battle, if you care to read more.

Microsoft did ship Windows Vista with XPS support, but they also included it in the .NET Framework version 3.0 for Windows XP users. This was a smart move, given that Windows XP users didn’t exactly flock to Vista (in fact, many people counted as “Vista owners” aren’t).

The easiest way to make .XPS files is with the “Microsoft XPS Document Writer”, which acts as a standard Windows printer and allows you to create .XPS files from any application that can print.  Instead of spitting out a dead tree, you get a file that keeps your text and images exactly like you like and which can be taken to another computer/office/planet/plane of existence. Very handy.

As you can almost certainly surmise from this post’s title, it goes downhill from there…

The program  Microsoft provides to open .XPS files is called, unsurprisingly, the “XPS Viewer”.  This Viewer does not stand on its own; it requires Internet Explorer to host it and handle mundane things like rendering the page, scrolling, printing, and so forth.

The big bag of fail is that the XPS Viewer does not load IE when it starts: It loads your default browser and passes it the .XPS file to open.

If your default browser is not IE (and kudos if it isn’t), the browser will invariably ask you what the hell an .XPS file is and what you expect to do with it.  Smarter browsers, like recent Firefox releases, will detect that .XPS files are associated with the XPS Viewer and prompt you to open the file in that program.  When you do, the XPS Viewer will again try to pass the file to your default browser.  Your browser will open a new tab or window for the incoming file, realize it doesn’t handle the .XPS extension, and again ask you what to do.

This will continue, ad infinitum, ad nauseam, until you do one of the following:

1. give up on viewing the file
2. run out of system resources because too many browser tabs/windows are open
3. kill yourself in desperation
4. stop trying to use the XPS Viewer and open the file in IE (which actually launches the XPS Viewer correctly)

It gets even better if you tell your browser “Don’t ask about these files, always open them with the XPS Viewer.”  You will trigger an infinite version of the loop above until you manage to kill the browser.

Microsoft’s designers and testers apparently couldn’t imagine a machine that didn’t use IE. This is what happens when otherwise intelligent people act like morons.

There is an easy fix: forget the piece of shit XPS Viewer and get the stand-alone XPS Essentials.

Either that or else wait for Microsoft to stop assuming everyone uses Internet Explorer.

Thanks for reading the latest in a long line, continuing in the proud footsteps of Noah’s twin rants regarding Windows’ constant need to nag you and how software makers need to work on consistency, as well as my own rather onerous screed (posted to my old personal “journal”, copied here after we started TANcast) on what I think of Internet Explorer 6.

Before anyone wonders what pipe I was smoking, please note that the last link needs to be read in context. It was originally posted:

• almost 3 years after IE 6 was released
• over 1 year after Microsoft announced they had no interest in releasing further browser updates except with updated Windows releases (after they “cut off Netscape’s air supply” so effectively)
• over 1 month before Windows XP Service Pack 2 was released, which improved the ActiveX security model a little and added some ability to see what “helpers” were installed
• about 8 months before Microsoft announced IE 7, after they figured out what abandoning their users was costing them (in May 2003 they competed primarily with Mozilla Suite 1.3 which had 2.3% total market share; in February 2005 they had to contend with Mozilla Suite 1.7 and Firefox 1.0 which had combined market share almost 4 times higher and rising rapidly)
• almost 2.5 years before the promised IE 7 was finally released

About two weeks ago, I finally used one of my Google Voice invitations and got an awesome phone number. In short, my feelings can be summed up as:

Free + Awesome = WIN ...

… but it could be better.

While I love my iPhone, I’ve been less than thrilled at the App Store rejection, FCC investigation, and useless denials and word-games regarding the Google Voice app. In many ways this is just another reminder that the iPhone lives in Apple’s walled garden (which AT&T loves to prune) and in spite of its power and flexibility it is not a personal computer. Still, I’m a firm believer that I should be able to do whatever I want (within reason) with hardware I buy and services I pay for.

I want to be able to make calls from and access voicemail and text messages sent to my Google Voice number as if my iPhone had two phone numbers. I want push notification of new messages. I want a native Google Voice interface to sit beside my existing iPhone phone/contact/messaging/voicemail applications. In short, I want Google Voice to be a first-class citizen.

This will probably be a pipe dream until either Apple has an aneurysm and suddenly forgets it can dictate the rules or the FCC makes Apple open the garden gate a little wider. Corporate beneficence or pro-consumer government action: guess which one I’ll be holding my breath for. (Hint: “Neither.” is an acceptable guess.)

A more reasonable hope might be the integration I mentioned on the latest TANcast: combining Google Voice and Gmail. They already use the same contacts list, they both have the same concept of inbound and outbound communication and keeping and ordering messages, and they even talk to each other (Google Voice puts an email in your inbox when you have a message). Imagine having one interface where all your emails, chats, SMS, AND voicemails regarding your job hunt, a specific project, or to/from your family all get grouped together (labeled) and searched at once. Google has already done this for chat, why not voice?

Some people say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one…

Note: I forgot to hit “Publish” before I went to bed last night. I have, as promised, socked myself in the left nut.

Maybe I didn’t notice this phenomenon as much in California, but it seems as if every other car in Georgia has some sort of signage (magnetic or otherwise) or paint-job (not poo-on-dick) that’s advertising the driver’s small business. In most cases these aren’t even company vehicles like delivery vans or work trucks; they’re just someone’s family car with a bunch of cheap stick-on lettering affixed to it.

On the one hand, I can’t help thinking “Jesus. These fucking eyesores are everywhere.” On the other hand, you  kind of have to hand it to these small business people. They clearly have a dream but not much budget, and they’re doing the best they can to boost business.

That said, I’d like to tell you all about a few that don’t seem to grasp certain nuances, namely that one should not drive around with one’s company name plastered all over one’s vehicle, then break the law in that vehicle.

A while back, my wife and I were sitting in gridlock on a side-street near our house. This particular street is always backed up for miles during the evening rush hour. The road has a single lane in each direction with a suicide lane in the middle, and it’s simply not designed to handle the amount of cars that actually use it. If you are from the area you just know you have to deal with it.

Unless you work for Scotts LawnService, that is.

We watched as a service truck pulled into the suicide lane and proceeded to speed down the road until we lost sight of it around the next bend. At that point it had traveled at least half a mile, which is more than 8 times father than one can legally drive in a left-turn lane in Georgia (300 ft). By the way, one of the local towns claims that 10% of their traffic accidents are caused by people abusing this lane. Nice.

Kudos, Scotts. You clearly value my neighbors’ deep green, weed-free lawns more than you value my neighbors.

On to the next paragon on advertising know-how.

I was sitting at a red light in a left turn lane on a major artery in a shopping district. The three oncoming lanes had the green light and I and the car in front of me had a red arrow. Not only is the 45 mph speed limit on this street regularly exceeded, but the light we were sitting at is just below the crest of a hill you can’t see over. Take a guess what the genius driving the car plastered with signage for All or Nothing Tattoo did.

Nope. He didn’t gun the engine and fly through an illegal left turn.

He pulled slowly out into the intersection, then crept across all 3 oncoming lanes. It was almost as if he closed his eyes and tried each oncoming lane in turn to see if it would kill him, proceeding to the next when each failed to end his existence. Somehow he timed this nail-bitingly stupid move for the only lengthy break in traffic. It was almost as if Moses was on the other side of the hill holding up his staff to let this idiot cross Red Sea Road.

For the record, my left turn light went green about a minute after the tattoo guy made it through. That’s exactly the guy I want applying permanent art to my body with a needle that pierces my skin. The guy who would risk lives to save 60 seconds.

Anyways, as I typically do, I’ve saved the best for last.

I was on the freeway in moderate traffic the other day, doing the standard slow-and-go commute crap when I saw a big red pickup come flying up my ass. It proceeded to tailgate me for about a mile until the lane to my left had a tiny opening, at which point it quickly switched and began to tailgate in that lane. When I failed to close a one pickup-length gap between me and the car in front of me, the pickup rocketed back into my lane and proceeded to tailgate the next unfortunate driver.

Then, just like the Ace of Base, I saw The Sign and it read “Santa Jack”. I shit you not.

No, not this Santa Jack.

This continued at least until I pulled off at my exit 15 minutes later, at which point the pickup was 3 cars in front of me. Santa was driving like a fucking prick, risking an accident in heavy traffic with every ill-advised move, and it wasn’t even Christmas Eve!

I went home and looked up the website that had been plastered all over the truck, mainly because I wanted to send Santa Jack an email along the lines of:

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas that redneck assholes who’re trying to market themselves for kids events not drive like retards on the highways where I and my fellow target market might be driving said kids to said events.

Kisses,

One of the people you tailgated today

PS: Thanks for putting your business name on your truck. I usually never get to know the asshole’s name or how to contact him.

Here’s the best part: not only does the Santa Jack website look like ass, it doesn’t actually work in browsers other than Internet Explorer. You seriously can’t click on a single link. I wonder why.

Somehow Santa Jack had pulled off the elusive double-fail by making sure it was only pissed-off people who would visit his unusable business website. That’s like hanging two signs in your store window: one that says “Open” and the other that says “Get off my property, motherfucker!”

Long ago, when the halls of MySpace were filled with people, I wrote a pair of blogs about some complain letters that I wrote to my corporate nemesis Mervyn’s. I found them and shall reproduce them for you now. Not only do I not follow the advice given by Grammar Girl, I also break all kinds of grammar rules to boot (which I’m sure comes as no surprise if you’ve ever read my blogs before).

So here is the first letter I wrote to Mervyn’s:

Dear fuckholes,

There has been a serious error regarding my account. I have only made one purchase on this account which I paid off less than a month later.

I recently received a notice from a collection agency saying I owe $247.14. The first and most obvious problem is that I should not have a balance to pay off on this account. As mentioned above, I paid the full balance of this card off within a month of my initial and only purchase.

The second problem is that it was sent to the wrong address. When I opened the account, my address was 6064 *street*. And I know this address was successfully conveyed when I opened the account because I received my credit card in the mail shortly after opening the account. However the address the collection notice was sent to was 6664 *street*. This leads me to believe that an error on your end resulted in notices being sent to the wrong address for over a year while what ever this charge is you seem to believe I owe drew more and more interest.

The third and most aggravating problem…and the reason I only made one purchase with the card… is that I was charged for the same items twice. When I signed up for the card, I was told that new card holders got an extra 10% off. However, when they rang me up, they neglected to give me that additional 10% off. So they re-rang up my items only to find out they could void out the first transaction. So I was charged for the same purchase twice (once at 10% off). After about 15 minutes of the store staff trying in vain to void the error, I was told by the manager that it would be taken care of at the corporate end and that I wouldn’t need to worry about it. Needless to say, when I got my bill it was NOT taken care of. When I called the Mervyn’s people, I got the run around for so long that I finally decided it was less hassle to just pay for my items twice and be done with the experience.

But THIS is going too far! I will not have money stolen from me again by this company. Please review whatever records you need to and credit my account…and then CLOSE IT. I assure you I will not have need of a Mervyn’s Credit Card ever again. Honestly man, I know your shitty clothes don’t attract a lot of business, but do you really have to resort to phantom charges to meet each month’s payroll? You are all a bunch of shit eating duchebags!

Suck my fat cock,
-Tim

PS-Please contact me immediately to let me know this matter has been resolved or I will take a dump on the counter in every one of your shitty stores!

Yeah…seems pretty straight forward., I can’t imagine anybody having a problem with that letter. Then, a few weeks later, I got the following letter FROM Mervyn’s:

Dear TIMOTHY:

Thank you for your recent inquiry regarding the above referenced account. An itemized history of your account is enclosed. The referenced account is reporting correctly.

And now, as a bonus, you can either watch the video to hear the final letter or scroll down and read it for yourself…or do both! The world is your oyster on this blog!

And now my reply letter:

Dear Ass hats,

Lick my nuts,
Tim Babb
Highly Dissatisfied Customer

Well I am sure I have just made Grammar Girl curse California’s educational system (unless she reads my blogs, in which case she’s been cursing it every day in September), but hopefully I gave some laughs along the way.

Oh…and if anyone from the former Mervyn’s corporate office is reading this, die in a fire! Toodles!

It’s a real First World Problem to have, but I am a 30-something suburban dad so this is the kind of shit I spend actual time thinking about.

Should I buy a Xbox 360 or PlayStation 3?

Make no mistake: I eventually plan on owning both consoles. The dilemma is simply which to buy first.

Lets compare the contenders.

Online: At this point, more of my friends (and more Americans) own an Xbox 360 than own a PlayStation 3, and by quite a margin. On this point alone I would have to give online play to Microsoft, but the attention to detail they’ve shown in crafting the Xbox LIVE (I assume that second word is screamed) experience just seals the deal.

Games: Here the difference is more subtle. Both consoles have exclusives I want to play. Both have versions of multi-platform games with additional content (fucking publishers and their desire for easy money…). Both have developers who spend more time polishing a multi-platform release on their hardware than the competitor’s. Microsoft may beat Sony by a thin margin thanks to its greater US penetration (seriously, it’s sold like 2x more than Sony), additional year on the market, and simpler development process, in spite of having weaker…

Hardware: Sony, hands down. Gigabit Ethernet. Built-in WiFi (instead of an overpriced add-on). User-replaceable hard drive (upgrades are at market prices, not “Microsoft, please assrape me” prices). Lower power consumption. Quieter operation. Significantly lower failure rate. More powerful (I’m told) CPU and GPU.

Media: This seems like it should be an afterthought, but this may be the point upon which the whole battle turns. Sony supports streaming more kinds of video (including codecs a… um… downloaded movie is likely to use). Sony has a Blu-Ray player. No, let’s be more precise: The PlayStation 3 is probably still the best Blu-Ray player on the market. On the other hand, the Xbox 360 streams content from Netflix, including some 720p HD movies and shows. My living room TV does 720p, not 1080i or 1080p, so while Blu-Ray would look better than my DVDs, they wouldn’t look much/any better than the HD content I could stream instantly and at-will from Netflix. Now, if only I could tell which way this turns the battle…

My wife was excited to hear about the “PS3 slim” release and really, REALLY, wants to get Planet Earth on Blu-Ray, posthaste. She’s also a big fan of playing co-op and multi-player Halo. In short, she can’t decide either.

It really feels like my decision is whether to play the Xbox 360 or watch the PlayStation 3.

It’s time to play America’s favorite new game show…

That’s right, “Who’s the Douche?” The game where we show you an actual exchange on the internet and you decide who the bigger douche bag is.

Today’s game starts on a message board and continues into private messages. The two contestants shall be identified as “Possible Douche 1″ (PD1) and “Possible Douche 2″ (PD2). Ready to play? Here we go!!!

**The game started when Possible Douche 1 posted this on a message board:

Possible Douche 1: So I was told there are 2 clocks in the park [Disneyland] that signify the time Walt Disney died (told by a cast member after noticing a clock was stopped or not working and since everything in Disney has a reason, I decided to ask why)

My question is … if I remember correctly, I think they were stopped at 12:20… but I think he died at 9:30 or 9:45?

Does anyone know about this? Is it maybe the time Walt was pronounced dead?

**This stumps the first few posters who repeatedly ask where the two clocks are located only to be told:

Possible Douche 1:
hehe its a secret

**When people then press PD1 on the subject of the clocks, PD1 responds with:

Possible Douche 1:
Wow! Over-dramatic much?

…and to be honest, that is why I have 50 posts not 3,835 or more… haha Thanks for reminding me why I stick to going to the park and not coming on the message boards so much…

**This is where PD2 comes in and the game really starts

Possible Douche 2:
“Yeah I want to ask YOU people for information but how dare you be so over dramatic as to expect some back from me.”

BTW If you do see me in the park and you want to know where something is…good luck to you…ha!

**Then it goes into a private conversation and the douchiness really starts to fly…

Possible Douche 1:
Hey…It’s me… [person you know from another site] …thanks for being a punk lol

Possible Douche 2:
lol hey! Well in fairness, you started it

Possible Douche 1:
haha yeah well… I like the adventure of finding stuff…So I was merely asking if anyone else knew ’cause I assumed all these [Disney] geeks would know already! But seems I hold some info they want BAD lol jk

Anyways I’ll tell you if you investigate and tell me your answers…wanna?

Possible Douche 2:
No thanks. I’ve already figured it out and I don’t want to deprive you of the fun of it!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!! (Evil Joker laugh)

Possible Douche 1:
Have you really?!?!?! …and do you know the significance?

Possible Douche 2:
Oh yeah…it’s kinda obvious if you think about it.

Possible Douche 1:
Not really… What 2 are you thinking of…the one in the castle and…?

Possible Douche 2:
Wait…YOU don’t know the other one?!!

Well then forget it, I ain’t tellin’!

Possible Douche 1:
How did I know that would happen? …yes I do … It’s on something that moves…. yours?

**AT this point DB2 lets almost a full hour go by without responding

Possible Douche 1:
Ok…so gimme a hint and I’ll give you a hint.

Possible Douche 2:
Oh…I have no idea. I was deliberately wasting your time

Possible Douche 1:
I hate you.

Possible Douche 2:
Right back at ya, keeper of secrets.

Possible Douche 1:
I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell people on the board…’cause they’re ASSSSHOLES lol

Possible Douche 2:
I don’t get why you don’t want to tell people.

Possible Douche 1:
At first I wasn’t going to ’cause what’s the fun there? I dunno. My whole fun with Disneyland is learning and discovering not like…
HI! HERE’S THE GUIDE TO EVERYTHING SPECIAL NOW YOU GET TO LOOK AT THEM!

Boring!

Possible Douche 2:
But…
a) many people on the boards can’t go to Disneyland that often

Possible Douche 1:
Neither can I. I haven’t been since June lol

Possible Douche 2:
b) We didn’t even know about this puzzle until you presented it

Possible Douche 1:
I assumed all u Disney geeks would know already…sheesh

Possible Douche 2:
c) not everyone has the same idea of fun

Possible Douche 1:
If 2 funs don’t mix, and one fun has to be gone to have another, I’ll choose my own…and you all can SUCK IT! lol

Possible Douche 2:
So you’re really not gonna share?

Possible Douche 1:
Not to the board

Possible Douche 2:
…I don’t get it

And there you have it! So now you get to decide who the douche is…PD1 for keeping the secret or PB2 for wasting PD1′s time on purpose?

WHO’S THE DOUCHE?!!

If you’re on Facebook and you have more than 2 friends, you’ve probably gotten a message that one of your friends has “tagged” you in a photo. Then you click on it only to find out the “photo” is actually a grid that says things like “my funny friend,” “my friend with the best hair,” “my friend I miss most” etc. Then you keep getting notified as the other people who were tagged keep making comments on the photo. No big deal in the grand scheme of life…but still annoying, am I right?

May I humbly offer the solution? Just post the picture below on your page and then tag everyone who has tagged you in one of those photos before. Not only will they delete you from their Facebook friends…they may never speak to you again.

(click the grid to see it full size)

BTW-If any of you post this and tag me…you’re so dead.

Trek haters be warned…thar’ be Trek a’comin’!

During the 5th season of Star Trek: The Next Generation there was an episode entitles “The Inner Light.” If you’re even a casual fan of the show, you probably know it. The episode won a Hugo Award, was nominated for an Emmy, and is consistently among the highest rated episodes in all of Star Trek.

It’s also one of my favorite episodes of Trek. It was recently on WGN so I made sure to save it on the DVR. I’ll describe the episode as briefly as I can. Captain Picard and the usual crew are on the bridge when a strange probe floats by. All of a sudden the probe sends out some beam and Picard falls down unconscious. When he wakes up, he’s on strange planet and everyone is calling him “Kamin.” He lives out a full lifetime on that planet in the span of 25 minutes. To summarize the plot more than this does the episode a huge disservice. You really should watch it, even if you’re not a fan of the Trek (hence I have saved it to watch with my wife) “The Inner Light” represents so much about what I like about Star Trek, yet is really an atypical episode.

There is no “villain” in the episode. No hostile alien attacking (Unless you count the probe attaching to Picard as an “attack.”) Most of the regular crew are barely in the episode…in fact Troi makes no appearance at all. There isn’t a great load of technical babble like there is in many episodes. There is a little to set up the premise of Picard’s predicament, but mostly it’s just Picard living a life on a drought plagued planet.

But what it does manage to do is deliver some great character moments. Despite all the rockets and lasers, Star Trek’s appeal has always been it’s great characters. And they manage to get some great drama out of this whole new set of characters that you didn’t know 30 minutes ago, but they tug violently at your heart strings for the bitter sweet finale of the episode. Plus it’s just such an interesting concept. What if you fell asleep tonight and then spent what seemed like 40 years living another life? …but then when you wake up…and you’re back in your bed…only one night had passed. How do you go back to your life after you’ve spent what seemed like 4 decades being somewhere else and someone else? Or imagine if you woke up tomorrow and all the experiences you’ve had up until now weren’t “real.” You had to go back to a whole other life that you’d forgotten about. Doesn’t that set our imagination on fire?!

To top it off, there is a haunting melody that Picard learns to play on a special flute. Which Picard plays as the show fades to credits. It is one of those songs that runs around in your head long after the tv is off, stirring up emotions as it goes. It was good enough to be fleshed out into a full orchestrated piece for Star Trek’s 30th anniversary and you can hear it in my Star Trek themed Kingdom Comedy.

I know I’m not the first to write about this episode, nor have I probably even come close to breaking new ground in my “analysis,” but I felt I should throw my two cents about this episode. It is a great episode of television that not only entertains but truly makes you feel something. It’s a shame some people will never see it because they don’t watch “that nerdy Star Trek crap.”

So back in May, I posted a video called Tim Babb’s Kingdom Comedy: Fail (Which remains my wife’s favorite of all the videos I’ve done and up until today the title was spelled wrong “Kingdon Comdey” …double fail). The video is basically about how I had brought the camera to Disneyland and was ready to shoot another of my Kingdom Comedy series of videos when I noticed the camera was out of batteries.

Well now it’s almost October and I have finally made up for that error. A few hours ago I finished editing the video that I had gone to Disneyland to film that day. I present it to you now for your enjoyment…

For those of you who don’t know, I’m a regular contributor to Kougarmagazine.com It’s a site by and for sexy, sophisticated, self-reliant women and the men who love them. I really like the idea of championing the notion that age is just a number and if you’re motivated, you can do whatever you want. SO in addition to my comedy bits, there are all sorts of helpful articles on fashion, health, business, etc.

Well for the fall issue, I was asked to come up with the top 10 worst ideas for a Halloween costume. I decided to do it in de-motivational poster form. Most of them turned out pretty well except for one…

You see, I put this list together in mid August. So there was one joke that stopped being funny by the time the issue went on-line. In fact if you view the list now, you will notice that #8 is a fairly recent reference compared to the others. That’s because I had to create an emergency replacement for the original #8 which was this:

Now you can see how that was funny a few years ago when there was a possibility that Swayze might pull though and come out on top. Sadly, as we have mentioned in previous blogs and on the show, Mr Swayze passed away. So the answer to the picture’s question is, “yes.”

I’m not sure why I felt it was okay to make jokes about him on stage after he died but I felt this photo was over the line…but that’s how I see it. I guess that post death, this picture feels more like an insult, whereas my jokes on stage feel like jokes. I dunno where my “line” is. It moves all the time. But I just thought I’d share a bit of the behind the scenes process with you folks.

Look I’d like to write something entertaining for you good folks, I really would. But it’s fucking hot in this back room and I’ve been here all day. I was working on several PhotoShop projects as well as trying to edit a new Kingdom Comedy. (It’s coming along…slowly but surely) But there’s no air back here. I have the window open, but wind stubbornly refuses to blow in. But the sun beats down and heats this place to molten temperatures that force me to take a shower then walk around naked and wet all day…and I’m STILL too hot!

Oh wait…I lied I haven’t been in this room all day. I met a friend for lunch today and while the company was good, the food was another matter all together. Somewhere along the line, pizza has betrayed me. We were good friends for so many years, but now whenever I eat it, my butt turns into a volcano spewing ass magma. It’s so disappointing. I so rarely go out to eat because I am super cheap. So when I finally do go out to eat, it pains me (both literally and figuratively) to see it all go down the drain so soon. Ah well, I guess shit happens…messy, watery shit.

All this to say, this blog is not very entertaining and I’m sorry for that. How many of these 22 blogs have been me apologizing for the lack of good content? I wonder if that still counts as a blog…fuck it!

On the way to the competition last night, I discovered that the air conditioner in my car no longer works. I turn it on…nothing.

This does not strike me as a problem that will be a cheap one to fix (A quick Google search showed me someone with $1,100 is A/C repair bills. Oy!)

Why can’t my car just work right? I just want to drive it from place to place, I don’t want to line the pockets of every single auto mechanic up and down the California coast!

This is a short blog, filled with anger because I’m literally hot and bothered. Now I have to go sit in my scorching sweat box for a few hours to get to my gig tonight.

I hope I don’t sweat my funny off on the way there.

…yeah, you know me!!!

I’m about to head off to the Anaheim Conventioon Center to attend the 3rd day of the D23 Expo. For those who don’t know, it’s kind of like a Comic Con but for Disney. (I may have mentioned that on the show) I haven’t been to the first two days of the expo, but I hear that Johnny Depp showed up in full Jack Sparrow attire (and character) to announce that 2011 will see a new Pirates of the Caribbean move and the Muppets showed up to announce a new movie. In addition people like Tim Burton, Robin Williams, Nicholas Cage, John Travolta…and even Miley Cirus (oh yes…Miley Cirus…you know you’re excited) have already dropped by.

But there is one thing I’m most looking forward to and it’s not a famous person, it’s not some Disney legend from the past signing auto graphs…it’s the rumor that today they are going to announce a limited return for the Disney 3D film, Captain EO. If you don’t know what Catain EO is, check out one of my recent Kingdom Comedy Videos:

I think I mentioned this on the July 4th episode of TANcast, but I loved this movie as a kid. It’s a shame that it took MJ’s death to get the fan desire to see this movie back in Disneyland to reach high enough levels for Disney to take it seriously. But I really, really, REALLY want them to bring it back. The movie that’s in the theater now is super lame. Bob Iger (big shot at Disney) announced that there were “No current plans” to bring t back but that they were “looking at” the possibility.

I hope that was just to throw us off the scent…

C’mon, man…bring back the Captain!!! (I’m sorry…ths blog would be longer, but I have to get over to the expo while the gettin’s good)

Just getting this one in under the wire. (It’s 11:30pm on the west coast, baby!) I’ve been at Disneyland with my mom all day. Plus today was the Mousetalgia meet up at the park and it was fun to meet a bunch of the listeners and it’s so fun to hang with the Mousetalgia gang (No word on whether Kristen can be tricked…I mean…convinced into coming on TANcast)

But…the point of the blog is a t-shirt I saw at one of the Disneyland stores.

WOW! Mickey is PISSED! What movie cold Minnie possibly have dragged him to do get him THAT cheesed off?! (Oh yeah, that pun was intentional) There don’t seem to be any clues in the t-shirt’s design so I’ve come up with the five possibilities. So here are the top 5 movies that would tick Mickey Mouse off…

5) Mousehunt
(for obvious reasons)
4) Space Jam
(“You’re taking me to see a Bugs Bunny movie?! Why not take Bill Gates to the AppleStore?!”)
3) Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood
(Because above all, Mickey is a MAN)
2) Ghost Rider/Fantastic Four/Daredevil/The Punisher (tie)
(“I know what we bought…I don’t need to be reminded”)
1) Transformers
(“Minnie, after 81 years, we are done…DONE! Catch a cab, you’re not riding home with me!”)

This one’s kind of a cheat because it’s simply fulfilling an obligation from this week’s TANcast. But basically watch as much of this video as you can stomach…

And then vote for what you think of it in our non-biased poll…

So Disney buys Marvel and people lose their collective minds! Marvel fans are panicking about Disney making the Marvel universe more “family friendly.” And Disney fans are fpitching a fit about the possibility of Marvel characters showing up in Disney theme parks.

I’ll grant you, I’m more a DC fan than Marvel (as I sit typing this in my Superman T-shirt) but I really don’t think people have that much to worry about. Disney owns Miramax Films after all…the people who gave us Pulp Fiction, Clerks, Scream, Sin City…etc. None of those are exactly family friendly. (Unless you count the scene in Clerks where Randal rattles off the porn titles in front of the little girl…heartwarming). Disney knows they aren’t experts on comics…I’m sure they’ll leave the comics to the comic makers.

Then there’s the Disney purists who want to make sure Marvel stays out of Disneyland and the like. I’ve even read one person say “…It would almost make me not want to go to Disney…” Really? Do we really need to fight tooth and nail to keep the purity of 75 more rides themed to Toy Story or Captain Jack Sparrow?

Look…Little girls like princess, little boys like superheros, and bloggers like over simplifying the world with widely accepted stereotypes. I’m just saying, there are a bunch of little boys who would love to come to Disneyland and spend some time with their favorite wall crawler or team of mutants. Don’t poo poo on their dreams just because Uncle Walt didn’t come up with the idea for a guy who gets angry and turns green. Lets allow as many people as possible who want to have fun in the park to do so. Excelsior!

Well it’s day 2 of my commitment to a month of blogs and I don’t really have any ideas for a blog today. I fail at everything I try. But I keep trying. I’m kinda like the comedic version of Rocky. (Fortunately no Russians have beaten me up…yet)

I do have quite a few irons in the fire at the moment…I’ve got a few Kingdom Comedy videos I’m trying to get edited. Including the one that I started trying to film back in May! I’m also working on a few more audio Kingdom Comedies for Mousetalgia…and a video project for TANcast that I hope to announce soon.

Plus I’m getting set for the San Francisco Comedy Competition.

I’m really hoping to bring the thunder. If you’re in the area, please come out and laugh at me…I won’t mind You can check the schedule as it gets updated here: http://www.sanfranciscocomedycompetition.com/Pages/Schedule.html (I’m performing on September 16th-20th)

Lastly I’m getting my set together for my showcase at the NACA West Conference. If you’re going to college and would like to have me come to your college and do stand-up (which I would LOVE to do) find out who books events for your college and direct them here: http://h2f.net/h2fnew/index.php?pg=talentdetail_page&id=01493c5fbd38495

…hmmm this is turning into less of a blog as it is shameless self promotion. I will work on that for next time.

Stand-up comedy biz blogs…Disney blogs…Star Trek Blogs…a political rant or two (sorry, right wing friends)…I’m gonna throw as much as I can against the wall in September and see what sticks.

I’m not going to lie to you. There will be typos…there will be factual errors…and there will be an over use of ellipses (…) but if you give me a chance, we can get through this together…or you can just ignore my crappy posts.

Wish me luck…

Oh, before I forget…

Dear Fucktards at Comcast: Please stop breaking the Internet by replacing valid DNS error messages with search (plus ads!) pages. If any customers want you to break their Internet access, let them opt IN, instead.

Where was I? Oh, right. Twitter.

Twitter has been down for the better part of an hour now, so I went to Facebook to bitch to my meatspace friends and family about not being able to tweet. Turns out Facebook is all kerfucked, too. Attempts to post, to filter who is displayed, or even to load some pages fail with a variety of internal Facebook errors (“AJAX timeout… Are you connected to the Internet?”) or general HTTP failures (“The page at http://facebook.com/ is taking too long to respond…”).

I grumbled to myself, then remembered I run a blog. Moments later I was typing this post and reveling in self-hosted uptime goodness.

Twitter and Facebook = FAIL

TANcast = WIN

PS: If you’re a Comcast subscriber (and oh my <deity>, do I wish there was actual competition in the broadband market), you can fix your DNS behavior by opting out of their fucktacular mess.

PPS: I’ve added “fucktard”, “kerfucked”, and “fucktacular” to my browser’s spell check dictionary.

PPPS: I’ll try to remember crowing in this post the next time I break TANcast.

Bobby McFerrin has cavorted with powers most foul, selling his very soul for the ability to control the minds of men.

Tremble, children, for no matter what this dark-hearted fiend tries to tell you, now is the time to both worry and be unhappy.

PS: That was the World Science Festival 2009: Bobby McFerrin Demonstrates the Power of the Pentatonic Scale video posted by World Science Festival on Vimeo.

My friend and fellow comic Elizabeth Saas has recently embroiled me in a debate over which Indiana Jones movie sucked the most: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom or Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?

You can see her MySpace blog about it here (Along with my comment) http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=204983251&blogId=503132614

But I want to know YOUR opinion so vote in our poll and leave us a comment on this blog. Which do you think was the worst?

(I included Raiders and Last Crusade in the poll just so I could weed out the peopel who have NO IDEA what they’re talking about)

A few TANcasts ago Noah and Andy commented that if this Palm Pre doesn’t do well, the company would be in some serious financial trouble. So the engineering team I’m sure packed this baby with features, apps, and I’m sure the ability to fellate it’s owner…everything you’d want in a phone. Then they send it to the marketing department…and that’s where shit goes wrong…

Not only does this commercial NOT make me want to buy a Palm Pre, it makes me not want to leave my house! I find it hard to believe that anyone involved with this ad saw the finished video edited together and thought, “Nailed it!” They didn’t have ONE take where the director told the actress, “Okay…one more time but this time can you try to sound like you’re NOT an undead creature who has come to feast on the organs of children?”

…and don’t think I don’t recognize who that is! I know the Borg Queen from Star Trek: First Contact when I see her!!! She’s come back through time to assimilate Earth by getting us to all to VOLUNTARILY put nanoprobe delivery devices next to our ears! Where is Picard when we need him?!

(Oddly, this would creep me out LESS than the real ad)

Good luck, Palm. Say hello to Circuit City, Mervyn’s, and Pontiac for me!

Fmylife is a great site. We’ve talked about it on the podcast before but I never stopped to think of another level to that website. But then I recently tumbled upon this gem on Fmylife.com.

“Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML”

That sucks for that lady…but if there was a website called “mylifeisfingawesome.com,” you might see an entry like this:

“Today I was totally schooling my buddy in Fight Night Round 4 on his PS3 when all of a sudden his adorable dog comes running in the room with a bra in his mouth…followed closely by his naked sister and her glistening wet boobies. MLIFA”

Tim Babb is recording MJ’s Memorial on MSNBC AND CNN. Overkill? Perhaps. Don’t judge me.

Headline News just said MJ set the stage for us electing a Black president. WTF?! I like MJ, but let’s calm down.

It’s official. MJ was black….his memorial service is on CPT

How awesome would it be if MJ popped out of the coffin and did the Thriller dance? (Sick? Maybe…but funny)

You have to know other 80′s artist are watching MJ’s memorial today going, “I ain’t getting NOTHING like this when I die. *sigh*”

aw….I think Mariah is a little choked up…that’s kinda touching. Too bad everyone will just say she can’t sing

Did Stevie Wonder just say he wished he didn’t live to SEE this moment? Burying the lead aren’t you, Stevie? Since when can you SEE?!!

It’s official again, MJ was Black! According to Magic Johnson he enjoyed Kentucky Fried Chicken!

Will You Be There….such an appropriate and underrated song. Nice touch with MJ’s actual voice over…ah crap…Al Sharpton just came on

Ok, now Al Sharpton is trying to say that MJ somehow made it possible for a Black president. …please let’s just be sad a great artist died

Wow…say what you will, Sharpton gives good speech. Did I just compliment Al Sharpton?! I need a nap

Aw…Brooke Shields…fighting tears…heart breaking. Side note: Holy CRAP she’s hot! I know…inappropriate…but true!

Oh good…this congresswoman wants to pass a bill saying MJ was a legend. It’s ok Congress, you fix the economy, we’ll honor MJ. We got this

WTF? Did Usher just rip off MJ’s signature “fake cry” at the end of the song? That’s MJ’s cheesy bit, sir! Don’t touch his coffin…ewwww

I apologize to those following me who have no interest in MJ or his memorial…but this is what’s on my mind today

Who the hell is Shaheen Jafargholi? They couldn’t get a Jonas Brother for this?

Oh…it turns out I’m a douche bag and Shaheen is somebody that MJ really admired

Geez how old am I getting? I don’t recognize any of these people singing “We Are The World”

Where are my fellow Lincoln High School Alumni who remember “Heal The World” every Friday over the PA in ’92-’93?

Can someone spare a heart? Marlon Jackson just ripped mine out of my chest

Paris Jackson brings it all home…she didn’t lose an “icon.” She lost her daddy. I’m glad I didn’t get to go I would have wept like a baby

Holy crap! CNN actually talked about Iran, Obama, Putin, and Honduras…for almost 3 whole minutes. Way to go CNN! Now back to MJ!!!

Wolf Blitzer “thinks” Paris crying at the end of the memorial was an unscripted moment. No, she rehearsed crying about her dead dad…idiot!

If you’re intersted in hearing more of my irrelevant thoughts in 140 characters or less, follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/timbabbcomedian

I am a Michael Jackson fan. I have been for a long time. My mom recently reminded me that my school pictures in kindergarten and 1st grade were of me wearing the same Michael Jackson shirt. (“People must have thought you didn’t own any other clothes”) I used to recreate his dance moves in talent shows which probably lead to me making a lot of my friends in middle school, high school and college. (It was nice of him to release a new album every time I changed schools to help me fit in) So I am sad to see him go…but I must confess to feeling mixed emotions on the subject…

Michael Jackson was a good example of what can happen with too much fame. And let’s be clear…the man was a superstar! These last few years, he’s usually been the punchline to a plastic surgery and/or child molestation joke, but from 1979 to 1993 the man was HUGE. The Jonas Brothers are like a small indie band compared to the success he had. People who HATE America LOVE Michael Jackson. Reconcile THAT in your head! Some dude is burning an American flag while listening to “Billie Jean” on his iPod.

But with all that success comes seclusion, partly by choice…but partly by being surrounded by a group of people who will never tell you “no.” So your contact with the “real” world is effectively severed, and you’re living in a world where everything is filtered through your yes men. This will undoubtedly have an effect on someone…and in Michael’s case, it seems to have turned him into the Benjamin Button of crazy. Which is why I have mixed feelings about his passing. I am sad to see this legend go, but kind of grateful that he’s not going to get any crazier.

As it is, I already kind of feel like the Michael Jackson that everyone is mourning for disappeared sometime in the early 90′s. So in a way, I’ve been missing him or a while already. But today I’ll play all my Michael Jackson songs, watch my copy of Captain EO, and maybe go find that shirt I wore in kindergarten (which sadly, still fits…in a super tight “metro” kinda way).

My condolences to Michael’s family…especially his children. I lost my father when I was 30 and it wrecked me…I can’t imagine if I’d lost him before I was even old enough to drive. I hope they remember their dad fondly…because, let’s face it, any man who had large portions of Disneyland re-created in his own backyard has got to be a good dad!

I am also sad for the world…I believe Michael had one more big thing to share with us and I’m sad we’ll never get a chance to hear/see it…it might have even been worth the crazy. I like to believe it would have been. But at least in his passing most people seem to be focusing on the great music, videos, and live performances he has left us. It’s a shame it took his passing for us to appreciate his talent again.

I want to try and post here, so here is my attempt at that. I have so many ideas of regular things I could blog about but I get lazy. One idea I had was to watch crappy Comcast On Demand movies and write about it but writing has never been my strong suit. Maybe I could do a mini podcast. For now we will start with some music I like.

This song had me as soon as it started playing. I think it was the hand clapping and stomping that got me. I also really harmonizing between the girls and it is a song that makes you want to get out there and drop it like it is hot. I first heard heard of Tilly and The Wall on NPR All Songs Considered and I started checking out there stuff. This song is a few years old now but I just love it. There are some songs that you like but know it is just a fling and in a few weeks you will tired of it and move on to the next hot thing. This feels like a song for years to come, I will be listening to.

Noah

I’m getting an awful lot of the features I’d hoped for, including:

• Safari: Remembers and auto-fills login info, opens links in a new page, JavaScript gets a big speedup, offline storage for web apps.
• Mail/SMS/etc.: Landscape (large) keyboard available all over the main apps.
• MMS: Finally!
• Tethering: connect a Mac or PC via USB or Bluetooth and share the 3G internet love.

There’s also some stuff I’d like that just wasn’t to be, at least not yet:

• Flash: It’s like crack for web developers, but with HTML 5 features (video, audio, offline storage) and faster JavaScript we may be at a tipping point where “real web” takes back cool apps from “Flash web”, so I care a little less.
• Voice Dial: Sounds like the new iPhone 3G S will have it, but not my 3G. Boo.
• Bluetooth file transfer: I guess they’re not down with OPP (or GOEP, or FTP)…
• Better App Management: No categories or dragging icons around in iTunes, but at least Spotlight search will let us find and launch instead of flicking left and right over and over and over and…
• Better App Store rating/searching: Ooh. Parental controls. Still no filtering or reordering search results, though.

All in all, not bad. Could have been better, but still pretty damn good progress for a year’s work.

But I’ve digressed. I come not to praise Apple but to kick AT&T squarely in the nutsack. Repeatedly. Until my foot hurts.

Here comes the WTF.

Per the keynote, 29 of Apple’s carrier partners (in 76 countries) will support MMS at the launch of iPhone OS 3.0.

Not AT&T.

US users have to wait for AT&T to get off its ass and enable a standard that was new and exciting 7 years ago, was last updated 4 years ago, and last had an update to its latest “candidate” version over a year ago.

AT&T’s marketing zombies now say they are in the middle of “system upgrades” and will enable MMS for iPhone users when the upgrades are complete, “later this summer”. They claim they want to make sure iPhone users have a good experience with MMS, although I can only compare this claim to the MMS experience iPhone owners have had since the original iPhone launch…

None.

Did I forget to mention that lots of other AT&T phones send and receive MMS just fine, and have for years? Yeah, that might be important to note.

Apple finally puts a basic, common cellphone feature (that’s not even restricted to smartphones anymore) into their machine and AT&T, their original lead partner, who can thank the iPhone contract for their market-share (it isn’t customer service or their voice network; Verizon beats them on both), who must have had a clue this was on the way since Apple announced the original 2.5G iPhone, isn’t ready for it and claims “having nothing is better than having something”.

At this point in the keynote coverage my foot is starting to tingle in its special nutkick way. Then comes the next feature-announcement/AT&T-fail combo.

Twenty-two of Apple’s carrier partners will support tethering iPhones to computers for use as 3G network modems when the 3.0 OS launches.

Not AT&T.

The spokeszombies don’t even have a good story for this one, just mumblings of “we plan to offer” and “no date to announce” while they look for delicious brains. Never mind that they sell these plans (an extra $15-$30/month on top of the phone’s data plan) for about a dozen other models they carry, including BlackBerry phones.

I happen to have a business use for 3G access from my laptop, and unless they get specific (and soon) I’ll have no choice but to get a 3G T-Mobile card through my employer.

It’s also interesting to note that while overseas iPhone carriers are ready for the June 19 release of the iPhone 3G S (S as in “speed”) with 7.2 Mbps HSPA networks, AT&T will finally start upgrading their HSPA network from 3.6 Mbps to 7.2 Mbps later this year and won’t be finished until 2011. In the meantime, the updated radio in the 3G S will be exactly as fast as my iPhone 3G.

AT&T is pitching the new phone’s faster radio with “It will be twice as fast… eventually.”

Is that "Soon", or "Soon-ish"?

I’m not planning on buying the 3G S anytime soon, so that won’t affect me and thus doesn’t make my foot shoot uncontrollably towards crotch, but I thought it worth the mention.

AT&T wireless has done 2 things right that I can think of (off the top of my head), and they second probably draws from the first: they used the same 2.5G (GSM/EDGE) and 3G (HSPA) voice/data standards as almost every other carrier in the world decided on, and they got the exclusive rights to the iPhone. That second point is the only reason I switched from Verizon to AT&T.

In 2 years or so (sooner, in some areas) Verizon is going to have their LTE 4G wireless network rolled out. LTE happens to be the same 4G network almost every other carrier in the world will use (including AT&T, some months behind them) and this happens to be about the same timeframe that tech pundits think AT&T’s exclusivity contract’s latest extensions will run out.

We’ll see what happens then…

A Black Leader of some sort was at the podium and said basically, “The Black family has enough troubles facing it. That’s why we must stop gay marriage because it is a potential threat to Black families.”

Are you kidding me?! Gay marriage is a “threat” to Black families? How?! How the hell is that possible?!

Look I understand that many religions do not support gay marriage. I fully understand and appreciate why that is a very valid argument for why those people wouldn’t get “gay married.” And also why they would be against their children living a gay lifestyle etc. I don’t agree with that point of view, I look at the bible differently, but I respect their right to believe that and I would never get the government involved to try and change their right to believe that, practice that, and teach their children that.

What I don’t understand is how that extends to this country, this state and it’s laws. I know the religious folks on TV get tired of hearing “separation of church and state” as a justification…but it couldn’t be more apparent that it is lacking here. There is no rational, scientific, human-world explanation for why gay marriage shouldn’t be allowed.

I’m married to a woman (a far better woman than I deserve, I might add) if my gay neighbor gets married to another man…how does that weaken my marriage? There are children in foster homes and shelters right now who are going to fall through the cracks because there are not enough straight married couples to adopt them. If there were more gay couples who had the legal rights to adopt them…wouldn’t that be a good thing?

I dunno…there are many things that I don’t necessarily believe in for MYSELF, but I wouldn’t support them being illegal. Alcohol, for instance…I don’t drink…but I wouldn’t want to deal with the mess if it were made illegal again. Same is true of cigarettes, drugs, and even abortion (I know…that’s a whole other debate). But just because I don’t believe in it for ME doesn’t mean I should be able to make that choice for other people I don’t know.

But just to be fair…let me say to the anti-prop 8 people….this guy is not helping your message:

The California Supreme Court are not fascists…in fact, if it weren’t for their ruling last year, gay marriage wouldn’t have been legal in California to begin with. They were deciding on a rule of law, not on the issue of gay marriage. The LA Times did a good job of explaining it.

So basically now it’s gotta go back to the voters as early as next year. So you have to convince those who are on the fence or who are on the other side that ours is the right side to be on…it’s a little hard to do that when folks on our side are making wild, inflammatory statements about the supreme court, Mormons, republicans, etc. I understand the anger behind what your saying, but your goal now should be all about convincing people that you’re right…and you can’t do that by calling people names. So, knock it off you butt heads!

Also, my comedian friend, Thai Rivera does a great bit about yet another side of the argument from the gay perspective:

I’m Tim Babb, and I approve this blog!

Well, I’ve recently returned from JJ Abram’s new Star Trek flick and I enjoyed the movie. I want to say that first. It was fun and a good flick.

However, when I walked out of the movie with my wife, I didn’t have the same feeling I had walking out of First Contact with another lady many years ago…the feeling of “See?! THAT’S Why I love Star Trek!”

This movie was enjoyable and had lots of great Trek moments, but it didn’t feel like the Star Trek I loved. And I don’t mean that in a bad way like “They ruined it!” Not at all. It was just…different. If felt like a band I didn’t know doing a cover of one of my favorite songs…I recognized the tune, but it doesn’t have the same impact as the original.

As I feel myself geeking out and getting overly defensive of a film/tv franchise that really has nothing to do with me – I find myself asking, “Why do I like Star Trek so much?”

I’m not one of these people who is all gung ho about the “vision of the future where humanity has evolved beyond greed and hunger.” I mean that’s nice and all, but that’s not really what keeps me coming back for series after series and movie after movie. Obviously the outer space element appeals to the little kid in me, but there are tons of space related movies and television that I couldn’t give a crap about (I have yet to watch a single episode of Battlestar Galactica…old school or the new ones…deal with it, nerds!)

The characters are always great. I think they might just have been lucky to come up with the Kirk/Spock/McCoy dynamic and then again with Picard/Data/Worf.

But there is some x factor about trek That even has me watching Voyager and Enterprise. I even purchased “Star Trek: Nemesis” (Which I watch far more often than a sane man should)

There is a reason I spent 10 solid hours at Star Trek the Experience or plopped down $40 to see Star Trek: The Tour. These stories have a magic to them…a charm that transcends rockets and robots and is just engaging. This movie,, while technically good at every turn…somehow lost that x factor.

I guess because since everyone was determined t “do their own thing” with the characters…I felt like I wasn’t watching MY Jim Kirk…I was watching A Jim Kirk…so I wasn’t as attached to him.

But all in all, I can’t REALLY complain. I had a good time at the theater, several stations are running Star Trek: TNG to hop on board the hype machine. Trek is back in a big way…and so for that I am thankful.

(But would it have killed them to use the Alexander Courage music a little more? …ok..I’m done geek griping…for now)

“No it doesn’t I listen to ______ music. And it is awesome.”

I invite you to take a page from F. Scott Fitzgerald: “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.”

So I say unto you, “Your music sucks and it is also awesome.”

While listening to my iPod on random the other day I came upon the 1999 song from Montell Jordan, “Get It On Tonight.” This is a prime example of an awesome song that sucks. I like this groove (that’s why it’s on my iPod) but have you ever really LISTENED to the lyrics? Lucky for you I typed them out…

When I’m looking at you I keep thinking
Why can’t she be like you, so I’m scheming
I can’t go on like this
Believing that her love is true.

So it starts off reasonably enough. It sounds like a guy is going to break up with his girlfriend to chase some other woman. Morally questionable but not abominable at this point. (Unless that’s his wife he’s walking out on…c’mon, dude. Man up! Don’t puss out just because some hot chick walks in)

Standing on the dance floor while she’s trickin’
You are all I want girl, she’s a chicken
We might be together, but love is missing
Girl I want you, so what can we do?

And here is where it takes the stupid turn. Apparently he’s not breaking up with his girl…just cheating on her. That’s bad enough…but apparently he’s scoping out another woman right in front of her at the club?! Dude…what are you thinking? Even the morons on “Cheaters” aren’t this stupid! She’s not gonna be sitting there drinking long. They’re gonna be pulling shards of her drinking glass out of you for the next week!

Girl if it’s alright
Let’s go somewhere and get it on tonight
I’ve got a girl but you look good tonight
It’s one on one tonight, tonight
Girl if it’s alright
Let’s go somewhere and get it on tonight
You shouldn’t have to be alone tonight
It’s one on one tonight, tonight

This chorus is the most polite, yet poorly reasoned overture to infidelity ever. He wants to have meaningless sex with this girl…but only if it’s “alright.” Well, Montel, it ain’t alright. It’s all wrong! Especially your reason “I’ve got a girl but you look good tonight.” Leaving aside the implication that this new girl only looks good “tonight,” is that the whole reason you’re cheating?! She “looks good?” Pace yourself, son. Lots of women look good. You can’t go around humping them all.

Now she’s looking at me, but keep talking
Oh, now she’s trying to ice you, let’s start walking
Over on the dance floor
It’s her fault but what can she do?
Tell me baby, yeah

So now your girlfriend has caught on to what you’re up to and is going to “ice you. (Urban Dictionary says: “To embaress or insult some one badly.” …I thought “ice” meant kill. THAT might be a bit of an overreaction) So your solution to being discovered chatting it up with another girl is to take her on the dance floor and cut a rug? Brilliant. I know how my wife would handle this situation if I did that to her…basically I would not be here to tell you about it. So don’t ask “what can she do?’” or you may find out the hard way…like John Wayne Bobbitt did. Then the douche repeats the chorus until we get this interchange…

Douche Bag Guy: Girl if you’re ready
Dumb Whore: I’m ready
Douche Bag Guy: We can get it on
Dumb Whore: We can get it on
Douche Bag Guy: I know where I went wrong
Dumb Whore: She’s where you went wrong
Douche Bag Guy: With you is where I belong, belong

Now you may say that the title “Dumb Whore” is a bit harsh for this young lady. Well, I take my cue form the evidence provided so far. Here is the information she’s been given from the guy:

1. I have a girl
2. She’s standing right there
3. I want to bang your brains out anyway

To which she essentially replies, “Let’s do this!”

In my eyes, that is a dumb whore.

Girl if I could find the words to say
I gotta get away from a love
That kills me everyday
I’d gladly say to you

I’m no Dr. Phil, or Dr. Drew…or even Dr. Pepper, but if that love is killing you everyday…sleeping with some stranger in a bar is not going to make that better. It will make things worse…especially if she SEES you…which, as we’ve established, she has.

Girl if it’s alright
My baby’s stressin’ me
You need to come with me
We need to go somewhere, yeah
Tonight, tonight

This is his random blatherings as the song comes to a close. So I guess we are supposed to assume that they did indeed get it on that night. But how? Perhaps I’m old fashioned, but back in my dating days, if I went out to a club with a lady, I drove. So how is his girl getting home? Is he gonna sneak out and ditch her there? Now not only is he a cheater, but he’s stranding her at the club…where she clearly doesn’t even want to be (she’s not dancing, after all).

But lets say they drove separately…he still has to explain what he’s doing with the rest of his night. Sure he could say he’s tired, but she just watched him dance with the Dumb Whore all night.

Bottom line…don’t try this at home, kids. It’s a good song with a horrible message and an even more horrible plot.

…oh crap…I just found the Music video on YouTube. Stay tuned…another blog is comin’….

I know you’re supposed to be announcing the iPhone/iTouchMyselfPod OS 3.0 later today, but I’ve been putting together a list of things I’d like to see fixed, added, improved, and/or changed at some point in the near future, and I wanted to post them before you One More Thing-ed us.

For all I know, half these things are already going to be in OS 3.0 and the rest will be rendered moot by the shining awesomeness that you will boom unto us. Hell, for all I know some of these are already in the product or possible for 3rd-party developers to do now. Still, here they are in no particular order and grouped poorly by general topic. I’ll try to bold all the ones I want most, but I make no promises.

3rd-Party Apps & App Store

• Allow 3rd-party apps to use headphones control clicker and to keep the iPod app from opening automatically when the headphones are inserted
• Allow running 3rd-party apps to place user controls on the locked screen, like the iPod app can
• Add better App Store filtering (e.g. by “Star Rating”) and sorting (by score, by downloads)
• Change App Store (and iTunes) “Star Rating” calculations to better account for ballot-stuffing by users who give every app/song/podcast/video/whatever the same score or only use 5-Star and 1-Star scores (see IMDB’s use of Bayesian scoring and per-user normalization)
• Improve management of app listings in the Home Screens (auto-sort by category, sort in iTunes, etc.)

Phone

• Add voice dialing
• Allow deleting a single item from the Recent Call list without clearing the entire list
• If any app is playing music, perform a quick (<1 second?) cross-fade from whatever is playing to the ringtone when a call comes in

Hardware & Communication

• Enable the Bluetooth stereo profile (A2DP)
• Have the phone’s earpiece speaker play audio like the speakerphone speaker does, allowing stereo audio without headphones (assuming it is possible to match audio levels)
• Enable Bluetooth data transfer profile (OPP)
• Allow iPhone to iTunes wireless sync, using Bluetooth and/or WiFi
• Enable internet (2.5G/3G, heck, maybe even WiFi) connection sharing with any computer via USB/Dock
• Enable simple Bluetooth printing profile (BPP) for things like notes, email, contact info, etc.

Messaging

• Display the number of characters used/remaining when sending an SMS text
• Add a “landscape” view to the Text app, allowing use of the large keyboard
  
• Place any text message sent to multiple recipients in each users’ “conversation”
• Allow deleting individual texts from the messaging history without clearing the entire “conversation”
• Add support for MMS (and integrate into the existing Text app)
• Allow SMS messages to be forwarded to other recipients
• Allow custom, per-contact (or group) incoming SMS/MMS message alert sounds
• Display exact timestamps that text messages arrive (perhaps when user clicks and holds on the message)
• Automatically dismiss the keyboard after a text is sent if the user does not start typing again or receive a new message within a short time (~5 seconds)

Browsing

• Add Adobe Flash (or at least FlashLite) support to Safari
• Allow users to open links in new pages/tabs (perhaps display a menu when a link is clicked and held)
• Integrate a Safari “keyring” with the master lock PIN so the browser can safely store site logins (like desktop browsers can) without having to remember/type them every time
• Allow Safari to “evict” other built-in apps from memory if more RAM is needed for larger pages or for more concurrently open pages
• Pull in Webkit and JavaScript improvements made for Safari 4 on the desktop

Email

• Add a “landscape” view to the Mail app, allowing use of the large keyboard
• Highlight which mail accounts have just received new messages (e.g. change color) in the Mail app
• Allow default email signatures to be set (or turned off) on a per-account basis

Calendar & Tasks

• Create a real “Tasks/To-Do” list and integrate with the Calendar app and the Lock screen (see below)
• Allow attaching Contacts to Calendar events and Tasks to enable quick access to call/text/email them
• Link Calendar events and Tasks to Map locations, allowing quick access to driving instructions
• Look for phone numbers and email addresses in the text and subjects of Calendar events and Tasks (and perhaps emails) and auto-link them, as Safari does on web sites, to enable one-click calling (optionally try to match to Contacts and show contact info on hold-click)

Lock/Home Screen

• Add “unlock and launch” gestures, like Windows Mobile 7 will introduce (i.e. direct access from locked phone to apps, like Mail, Text, etc.)
• If there are no new messages (text, email, or voicemail) and no controls for a running app to display, then show the next few Calendar items for today on the lock screen

Camera

• Improve camera clarity (e.g. license ClearCam)
• Make the majority of the touchscreen act as the camera shutter button
• Allow video recording

Misc. Cleanup

• Release the “Push Notification” ability promised last year so developers can approximate background tasks, or allow GUI-less background tasks like Palm OS 6/Palm Cobalt was supposed to include
• Extend the predictive text auto-replacement to provide real spell-checking instead of just typo-checking
• Allow user management of the words added to the typo/spell-check dictionary (at least in iTunes, if not in the iPhone itself)
• Allow the Alarm feature in the Clock app to start a playlist in the iPod app
• Add turn-by-turn driving directions (with audio prompts) to the Map app, at least for true GPS devices
• Dump the YouTube app (it has outlived its usefulness) and allow users to migrate its bookmarks to their actual YouTube accounts
• Update all apps that support keyboard use in both portrait and landscape mode so they dynamically switch modes when rotated eve if the keyboard is already open
• Add multi-service (Yahoo!, AIM, MSN, etc.) Instant Messaging app (like Addium/Pidgin), styled like the Text app and iChat, allowing persistent access to the services with Push Notifications, and integrating IM screen names with the phonebook Contacts
• Allow syncing phone Notes to Outlook/Mail.app/whatever
• Allow Notes to be emailed or sent via Bluetooth (like vCards) to other iPhones
• Stop resetting iTunes account information whenever the OS is upgraded, as this causes all downloaded apps to silently fail until another app is downloaded and the account authenticated again
• Have the Weather app change its icon based on “Today’s” weather and the last current temperature for some location (user-set “Home”, pull from GPS, etc.), and auto-update this about every hour using Push Notifications

I’m sure I forgot things that I’ll later decide I can’t live without, or I included things that will make me look like a clueless asshole.  I don’t care.

I do love the phone, Santa Steve, and I hope OS 3.0 is going to make it even more awesome. Take everything above, therefore, with a large grain of salt.

You do know what is best for me, after all…

Loves and Kisses,

Mysterious Andy

PS: Also, I’d like a red Radio Flyer wagon.

Human discourse has not been the same since.

Everyone likes to talk about democracy, freedom of expression, and equality in fluffy abstract terms, but a recent stroll through Apple’s App Store for the iPhone and iTouchMyselfPod was a more concrete exploration of what these terms really mean.

Simply put, the democratizing influence of convincing every mouth-breather that their American Life would be best spent on America Online has led to them believing that they should, nay, must make their every opinion known to all their peers surfing the tubes.

I’ve plucked a pair of App Store product reviews from the luminiferous aether to illustrate my point.

Let’s start with a review of the AS3 API Reference app. Quoth Tjenicek in his/her/its 1-Star review:

Use?
Idk what to do or how to use it.
Help me?

For those curious, AS3 means “ActionScript 3“, and refers to the scripting language (related to JavaScript) used to program Adobe Flash or Adobe Flex.  This app is, per the name and the description provided by the author, a quick reference guide for people writing ActionScript code.  I loaded the app and it is quite clearly exactly what it claims.  From the review I can only imagine that this fucktard downloaded it without having any idea what ActionScript was. Said fucktard then gave this app a 1-Star review as clearly the fucktard’s ignorance was the fault of the app.

You may think I’m being harsh. You may even be right about that.

Perhaps Tjenicek is in the middle of some sort of performance-art piece that requires him/her/it to download and review every App Store application in alphabetical order, and the sheer number has caused him/her/it to run out of ideas by the late As. Perhaps after thoughtfully reviewing the Ask Your Mom app, this was all that was left in the tank.

Whether you discount that one, wait ’til you see the next review.

For the puzzle game Blocked, Kj fauve wrote in his/her/its 1-Star review:

Nice
This is a really nice game me and my dad always play this on our spare time. My real name is Kyle but I changes it to kj because I thought it would be real cool to do it so yeah thanks for your time I hope u enjoy reading about me And yeah I’m gay

Words fail me, just as punctuation and coherent trains of thought escaped the reviewer. We’ll just note the 1-Star (out of 5) score on what appears to be a positive review and move on to the summary.

So AOL gets everyone on the internet by lowering the barrier to entry from “Install correct Winsock version, Configure PPP and TCP/IP settings, Configure Dialer, …” to “Stick This Thing in the Hole on your Confusion Box and Click until you see Porn and Spam.”  A Zero-Knowledge-Needed access plan got people with zero knowledge to participate.

This is perfect egalitarian democracy, and the fucktards are ruining it.

Thanks for that, AOL.

I tried to blog about this phenomenon at the time, but could not claw my way back to the murky void of The Real long enough to give a full accounting of it.

I don’t think I accomplished much that day, other than spastic laughter held barely in check by the back of my knuckles and grim looks from management. I didn’t dare climb back in afterward; I had lost enough of my life and I could only just recollect having a childhood somewhere where the text was not perennially fixed-width.

Six months later I lost my job and tried to write this all up again. I loaded the site, read this, and promptly lost another day. In my head, bloodninja/eminemBNJA is 100% serious and earnest. It is significantly funnier that way.

You can also find there a joke that I ganked for our latest TANcast, if you cared to do so.

Beware, though: If your taste in humor treads the same razor’s edge of geeky, lowbrow, highbrow, dickish, conceptual, offbeat stupidity that mine does, expect to lose yourself as well.

Maybe this makes me less of a man, but then again maybe you can suck my manly nuts! Why does it concern me that some guys I’ve never met are playing a game I’m not interested in? I’d have more invested if I were playing a football video game…at least I’d have a real stake in the game. Hell, even if Andy or Noah were playing a football video game, I’d be more prone to watch that than the Superbowl. (Of course Andy would spend 4 hours exploring the 30 yard line and there’d be no actual game to watch)

That’s it…just had to piss on the Superbowl.  To those who will watch, have fun. To those like me who don’t care…is there any Star Trek on that day?

At least I can spend the day editing TANcast 35 – Train Wreck 2: Wreck Harder!

Just click here for a printable gift certificate that will fit in any holiday card! (TANcast makes a great Kwanzaa present) Or click on the thumbnail below…

The Valve Complete Pack!

The package costs $99.99 and includes the classic Half-Life and its expansions:

• Half-Life
• Half-Life: Opposing Force
• Half-Life: Blue Shift

… some famous Half-Life mods/add-ons:

• Team Fortress Classic
• Counter-Strike
• Deathmatch Classic
• Ricochet

… some games built on the Half-Life engine which started as independent mods:

• Day of Defeat
• Counter-Strike: Condition Zero

… some rebuilds of above games, ported to Valve’s more modern “Source” game engine (with mixed results):

• Half-Life: Source
• Counter-Strike: Source
• Day of Defeat: Source
• Half-Life Deathmatch: Source

… Half-Life 2 and its expansions:

• Half-Life 2
• Half-Life 2: Lost Coast
• Half-Life 2: Episode One
• Half-Life 2: Episode Two
• Half-Life 2: Deathmatch

… two more excellent games based on the Source engine:

• Portal
• Team Fortress 2

… a “lite” version of one very popular puzzle game (why not?):

• Peggle Extreme

… and one survival horror shooter that has some good buzz and pre-release reviews:

• Left 4 Dead

Arguing against my knee-jerk lust reaction:

• I barely play the dozens of games I already own, owing to family obligations (including my wife begrudging me the excessive “alone time” my gaming can lead to), work, TANcast, and an addiction to several amazingly, seriously, extremely, awesomely great television shows.
• I own a copy of Half-Life and have played most of the classic mods, so owning another copy of that (or of its Source-based revamp) doesn’t appeal to me as much as it might.  Don’t get me wrong: I enjoyed them all even if I did constantly get my ass handed to me by casual players (I’ve never been a hardcore gamer).
• Valve’s “The Orange Box” package includes Half-Life 2 and its expansions, Portal, Team Fortress 2, and Peggle Extreme for just $29.99.  Adding Counter-Strike: Source, Day of Defeat: Source, and Half-Life 2: Deathmatch would cost only another $34.97, so it would really take Left 4 Dead (at $49.99) to push the value of what I’m really lusting after over the $99.99 mark.
• Eventually I’ll get a PlayStation 3 and/or an Xbox 360, and The Orange Box is available on both (and my TV is huge).
• Seriously, when will I have the time?  I ought to be watching less TV and reading less random crap as it is so I can spend more time working on TANcast, learning Java and PHP (and maybe Python and Ruby), writing, and playing with Andy Jr., not necessarily in that order.

Let me tell you, that time thing really is the killer.  If there were 30 hours in a day I’d be all over this thing. I need to win the lottery or something so I can replace all this working with additional laziness and leisure…

thunderheist – jerk it from thatgo on Vimeo.

natalie portman’s shaved head – sophisticated side ponytail from thatgo on Vimeo.

p.s.

Go black people!

Combined with shameless self promotion…

Song:hall of heads
Artist:they might be giants
Album:apollo 18

Song:so right
Artist:dave matthews band
Album:everyday

Song:telegram
Artist:saul Williams
Album:saul Williams

Song:evolution
Artist:gift of gab
Album:fourth dimensional rocketships going up

Song:take it off
Artist:de la soul
Album:3 feet high and rising

Song:legend
Artist:deep sky
Album:digital empire vol. 2

Song:emotions
Artist:mariah carey
Album:#1′s

Song:lets Party
Artist:pauleone
Album:da drought vol. 2

Song:peter piper (j. period remix)
Artist:j. period and game rebellion
Album:searching for rick rubin

Song:keith turbo
Artist:kool keith
Album:black elvis lost in space

PodCastAwards.com is currently accepting nominations in several different categories. We would be so grateful if those of you who checkout this site could nominate us.

You can only put us in one category. So may I suggest “mature” or “comedy.” The Nominations close on September 30th so please click the banner below and nominate us soon.

Thanks in advance for your support!!!

PETA Asks Ben & Jerry’s to Dump Dairy and Go With Human Milk Instead

No offense to vegetarians or vegans (looking at you, mom and Iris), but seriously, how fucked up are these people?  Either they are complete idiots living in a fantasy world or else they are attention-starved media whores looking for some cheap exposure.

I did a quick search, and apparently Americans eat an average of about 12.9 quarts (US) of regular ice cream a year.  Add to that an additional 6 quarts of reduced-fat, light, lowfat and nonfat ice cream, and you are talking about almost 4.75 gallons of ice cream per year, per American.  For the record, frozen yogurt, water ice, sherbet, and some miscellaneous treats make up the rest of the 21.5 quarts of frozen desserts we consume a year.

It appears that babies take in between 19 and 30 ounces of milk a day, so I would expect that the average nursing woman produces somewhere in the neighborhood of 25-30 ounces of milk per day.  If that’s right, one woman would produce 70 to 85 gallons per year.

If  we assume there is about a 1-to-1 match between raw milk and ice cream output (which probably underestimates this) then by my made-up calculations it would take about 14 million gallons of tittie juice to account for 1% of the US market share for all types of ice cream.  Even if we assume a heroic 50 oz. per day per “supplier”, it would take the output of 100,000 lactating women to make enough breast milk for 1% of the US ice cream intake.

I’m having trouble confirming this, but I believe Ben & Jerry’s has a market share percentage in the teens, so multiply the above number accordingly.  My sources are shitty and my math is suspect, but they should at least be somewhere in right order of magnitude so you can see what sort of scale we are looking at here.

Coming back to my original premise, for this to be a serious request PETA must either assume Ben & Jerry’s can somehow drastically increase the per-person production of breast milk, or else that they will tap the milk output of the developing world.  I have to assume that putting a million lactating Chinese peasants in barns is not what PETA meant to suggest, but it looks to me like that is about what it would take.

Oh, and they have to assume that HUMAN BREAST MILK ICE CREAM would be acceptable to enough US consumers to not kill off the Ben & Jerry’s brand.

I guess that leaves the “whores” thing…

Poor Clay…he’s doomed to always be in second place.

In the song above I can pick out James Taylor, 50 Cent, Nas, Pixies and Weezer.

Another Girl Talk song for your enjoyment or not depending on your musical tastes.

Somewhere in the middle of all that, perhaps around the time that SimEarth and SimLife were out, Young Andy dreamed that some clever soul would take all the “SimSomething” games and make a “SimEverything” game.

It took 16 years or more, but I think Will Wright may have done just that.  Now Old Andy is on pins and needles.

I have spent a few hours playing with the Spore Creature Creator and I am, in a word, impressed.  No matter how many weird appendages I added or how insanely I proportioned the body, the end results all looked like they belonged in the same universe.  The art direction clearly took care to be sure the hands and eyes and miscellaneous widgets were consistent with each other, and the animation and rendering obviously used the same engine, but there is still something impressive about this unified look and feel.

I can hardly wait until I can take my ravening horde out of a real spin around a planet I can terraform from orbit.  T minus 17 days, and counting…

Oops… I think I may have just wet myself a little.

Of course, that 16+ years later happens to coincide almost exactly when my first child is due, so I think I’ll probably be playing SimPoopyDiaper for a long time before I get to play any Spore.

So who wants to see hot naked girls just licking random household objects? I do, I do!

Just after George Carlin passed, I came across yet another best-of-Carlin compilation on YouTube, but the person who posted it used every inch of the “About this video” area to argue that the September 11 terrorist attacks were actually perpetrated by the United States government.  I gave him 1 star and left a comment chastising him for trying to conflate Carlin’s well-reasoned diatribes against abuses of power with a delusional belief that there is some shadowy conspiracy that committed mass murder on live TV and yet managed to hide its activities from all but a enlightened few on the Internet who are trying to “show us all the truth”.  He had a bunch of links that supposedly proved his claims, but, as TANcast proves, having a website is not the same as being smart or knowing anything.

What followed was a fairly telling discourse, presented here without edit for your enjoyment.  I say telling, but I have only a vague idea of what it says and about whom.

My initial comment and responses will be in deep blue and his responses will be in hot pink italics, as I think that is funny and am not a mature person.  I’m also not turning the URL in his comments into a hyperlink as I won’t give those retards any more traffic than they already get.  I’m not including his actual “About this video” section for the same reason.

This is my website, so fuck it: I do what I want.

Anyways, it all started when I left this comment for him on YouTube:

acrobat741: Why did you hijack George Carlin’s work to push your conspiracy theory?

George was too smart to believe empty-headed bullshit like this, so its a bit of a dick move to try to push your own idiot agenda on YouTubers using his good name.

He responded some time later with:

Conspiracy theory? Yeah right. Like Iran-Contra I guess.

So I’ve hijacked Carlin’s work?
Lol you might as well not read my info. Write to your MP.

Oh do awake from your programmed delusion.

FYI, here are some other ‘empty-headed’ folks:

http://patriotsquestion911.com/

PS: poor manners indicate deficient upbringing

Overcome by his rhetorical aptitude, I replied:

I take it all back. Clearly you are superior to the rest of reasoning humanity, having seen behind the lies and being bold enough to pepper YouTube with the truth. Kudos to you, and all the best on your journey to enlighten the masses.

http://www.debunking911.com/
http://forums.randi.org/showthread.php?t=76025
http://forums.randi.org/forumdisplay.php?f=64

I’m sure the links above and all the concrete data (which is not the plural of “anecdote”) that they cite are manufactured or mistaken, so I look forward to your resounding victory as you reply to them all with your own provable facts.

Just FYI, Iran-Contra was a conspiracy, not a conspiracy theory. Not sure if you knew that, but I can recommend books if you’d like to learn more.

Penn & Teller – 9/11 Conspiracy Theories

Taking his own previous advice about manners and upbringing, he offered an olive branch:

i’ll be polite: fuck off

go play with the other paedos

I noticed that he might have made a small error, so I sent back:

You forgot to call me Hitler.

You also forgot to call me gay.

It looks like he blocked me, though, so I’m afraid he may never find out about his oversight or get to correct it.

At least I have this hateful picture remind myself that I probably shouldn’t have done any of this:

I am so, so sorry...

By the movie above, Burn After Reading, has David Rasche of Sledge Hammer! fame. You know the awesome 80′s show with the police detective that sleeps with his gun on the pillow next to him. Man I love that show.

Almost exactly thirty seconds later, after swimming through a series of tubes (no, I’m not going to stop making fun of Ted Stevens until that corrupt idiot is expelled, indicted, or dies) I had my answer.  Thank you, Intertron!

Although the song “Mah Nà Mah Nà” was included in a Sesame Street skit in 1969 prior to being performed by Muppets on The Ed Sulivan Show and then performed again for The Muppet Show, it was actually taken from a movie called Sweden: Heaven and Hell.  This film was an Italian pseudo-documentary that claimed to record the wild sexual antics of Scandinavian teens.

That’s right, kids: “Mahna Mahna” is a song from a soft-core porno.

Now that you know… Enjoy!

I have varied taste in music, most of which my finacee claims is lame or old people music. I leave it up to you dear reader. Watch the video below and judge for yourself.

Is that like a onesy/jumpy suit she is wearing? Very attractive. I am not really sure why I like this song, it is just kind of catchy. I am watching this video and should she really be touching those levers? Is she trained in the science of trains? Did she go to conductor school? I don’t think she did. Now she is doing a little bit of pole dancing. Work it girl! With your kind of boyish haircut but she is still oddly kind of cute. There they go off into the sunset or whatever. So there it is a gay song I like, don’t judge. Stay tuned for more lame/old people music and a new Tancast is coming soon.

What?! You missed it? You’re in luck…you can listen to it right now: Just click right here.

That’s right…there’s actually a podcast on TANcast, finally.  Sure it’s not a TANcast podcast…but beggars can’t be choosers

Here are the details so that you can see if it appeals to you, by which I mean:

YOU MUST JOIN OR YOUR SOUL WILL ROT AWAY !!!

As you can see from the post title, the religion is called “Jonesology”. We Jonesologists fervently adhere to the teachings of His Highest Holiness, Indiana the Second.

Some refer to our savior as “Henry the Second”, but these blasphemers do not understand the complex emotions of our Lord and how he loathes this appellation.  From the scripture it is clear that the cold, brilliant star that fathered him, Henry the First, is the only being who may call him by this epithet. Indiana the First was a false messiah, extolling the virtues of kibble and chasing rabbits across Utah, and we will not speak of him further.

There are three major scriptures and an apocrypha made up of 4 larger and 28 minor works which tell tales of our Lord in his youth. A fourth, possibly the final, scripture was foretold a generation ago and is finally to be revealed unto the faithful a scant 10 days hence.

This newest testament must be received by true believers wearing the Traditional Kilt. Knee socks are optional, but The Kilt is crucial.  No one is sure why, but we have it on good authority. Before the worship service begins (and buy your tickets early; it is expected to sell well!), a traditional meal of Taco Bell should be consumed to purify the bowels and prepare the heart for a clotting of pure joy.

Intolerance of those wearing The Kilt marks you as a heretic, which is a fate typically reserved for those who think Temple of Doom was the best of the accepted scriptures, and will call down a holy war upon your head.  Be warned, as we Jonesologists battle only with water balloons (in honor of His Holiness’ flexibility under pressure), but fill them with Jell-O (because Jell-O is freaking delicious) instead of water, denying our enemies precious water which they might use to spit upon us.

As a heretic, unfortunately, you will only be worthy of sugar-free grape-flavor Jell-O with banana slices and pear chunks mixed in.  I’m sorry.

If you are branded a heretic, take heart: You probably won’t have trouble avoiding the attacks as they can only take place, like His Holiness’ adventures, during summer break, and kilt-wearers holding purple water balloons and trying to scream the Hymn of John Williams without passing out in the heat are hard to overlook.  We are forbidden to commence attack until the full hymn is sung, or else the Blessed Ford will make “Firewall 2” and the world will eat itself.

On a wholly unrelated topic, our holy wars never seem to turn out how we’d like.  We blame the Quartermainiacs.

In point of fact, the US Census Bureau does not list any practicing Jonesologists in the greater Atlanta metro area (as of 2000), so I may be the only practitioner.  This will probably make the prospects of committing such heresy a little less frightening to you if you live in Georgia, but we can’t have everything, can we.

Check out “Danger Dave,” the travel guide…he’s hot!

Why are you so cruel to me Windows? Can’t we just be friends?

For the uninitiated, this is my most popular blog on MySpace. So much so that I had updated it 6 times. Well, today I went to update it a 7th time and MySpace kept screwing up…so it moves here to TANcast in it’s entirety (including the 7th update)! Enjoy!

Listen, I’m sorry you’re hiding from some guy you shot down in a bar last week, but why should you get to look it me and me not get to look at you? What makes you so damn special?!

And also…if your profile picture looks like this…

How private are you, really? Those are your boobs, lady! If you’re trying to remain anonymous and avoid attracting attention…perhaps shoving your ta-tas all up in the camera may not be the best solution.

And that goes for you smart asses who just make your pictures private. Don’t post pictures on line if you don’t want people to see them. They’ve got a place for you to store your private pictures…it’s called the photo album in your closet, turd burgler!

UPDATE 1…
Why do people with private profiles fill out the “Who I’d like to meet” section?! One of my private friends has this in that section:

“Anyone and Everyone…. No one can really piss me off (unless you are just THAT stupid) so as long as your a cool, chill, kick ass person we are good.”

Well you can’t meet anyone and everyone if NOONE can see your profile! They can’t even read that section of text. And if you’re so anxious to meet everyone…why is your profile private?! You’re killin’ me…killin’ me!!!

UPDATE 2
Okay I happened upon another gal who should not have a private profile…

Yeah…that’s her main pic…spread eagle with the soggy flap jacks barely contained in that bikini…which might not be so bad on it’s own but her headline reads,

“Voluptuous Hardcore Milf”

Yeah…I can see how you’re really trying to fly under the radar you stealth little miwlf. Either you’re an attention whore or you’re not…pick a side…we’re at war!

UPDATE 3…
Okay…what could be worse than a private profile with your breasts in the camera or spread eagle in a bikini? How about this…

Yup that’s a private provile pic and she’s naked. C’mon lady, you’re f@$ing NAKED!!! How private do you really want to be when I’m an inch and a half from seeing your friggin nipple?!

“Hey everybody I just took all my clothes off…for God’s sake don’t look at me…I’m a private nudist!”

And don’t think I didn’t notice you’re out of toilet paper! Now go put some clothes on or take your profile off private!

Update 4…

The women (and I’m sorry that these examples are all women) who are trying to have it both ways continues…

“What profile picture should get the least amount of attention from sickos scouring MySpace for skanks? Hmmm I know! I’ll wrap duct tape around my hooters and take a shot of it! Brilliant. Why would a thumblnail of exposed breasts grab anyone’s attention? But I just don’t know if that’s enough….just to be sure I’m going to make my profile name: ’F*** My P**** [With YOUR Tongue]’

Yes! That’ll do it. At last, I can be left alone. Wait…just to be sure I’m make my MySace URL ’http://www.myspace.com/lovetolickurc***’ Yes! Love to Lick Your C***! That just REEKS of a private individual who wants only solitude on the internet.”

WHAT THE HELL?!!! Why is your profile private? You just want to be a whore for your closest friends? Your boobs are wrapped in tape! TAPE!

Update 5…

Alright just look at this:

Yeah…it’s another “private profile,” but in case your eyes are bad let me point out that not only is she not wearing any pants, skirt, underwear or class…she’s got her hands all shoved in her crack! Lady are you telling me your prepping to pinch a loaf in your profile picture?! But heaven forbid anyone see it?! I shudder to think what other photos are in your collection that need to be kept private…are you fisting a yeti?!

Even the Flapjacks lady from update 2 is embarrassed by your shamelessness hypocrisy.

Now either put some pants on or put your smell on private too!

Update 6…

Okay a lot of people keep asking me why I go trolling for these private profiles…I swear I don’t. I’m just doing my business on-line connecting with friends, fellow comics, etc and I’ll look at their stable of friends. That’s when a photo like this will leap out at me…

C’mon…that’s not gonna peak your curiosity? Over 50% of her profile photo is breasts!!! I mostly clicked on it to see if they were an optical illusion or something. It looks like a Rick Baker special effect.

Are you telling me you’re not the least bit interested in the back story on Boobzilla up there?! Well if you are, tough titties (pun intended). Her profile is private. Now you’ll never solve the mystery of the ginormous milk sacks. Why is she staring at them? Did she drop a bagel down there? Is Ossama hiding in there? These questions will now never be answered…thanks alot, Wonder Jugs!

Update 7…

Just when I thought I was done with this blog, my friend Angela found this for me…

This one angers me on a whole different level. I’m not really mad that her profile is private…no, really. This is not a profile I should have full access to.

Because I’m a full grown adult and she is obviously 15!!! Are you kidding me?! I don’t care if her profile lists her age as 22. Bull$!+!!! I’ll bet jail bait up there doesn’t even have her drivers permit yet!

Put that cell phone with tinkerbell’s glittery diarrhea all over it down and go put on a shirt! Then finish your homework and clean your room. …and GET OFF MY LAWN!!!! (oy, I’m getting old)

Thank you I feel better.

Pardon me while I rant a bit, Software is broken and let me tell you why.

I was at a bar with a friend once and he casually mentions that playlists on iPods will update on the fly. I thought he was crazy cause I had owned an iPod Touch for few months and I never saw my playlists update on the fly, I always had to sync with iTunes before my playlists would update on my iPod.

Until today that is. I had created  a new pretty simple Smart Playlist, it had maybe 3 criteria. I noticed today as I listened to Podcasts, they would disappear from my play list. This had never happened to me before and I was excited. So I get home and start Googling this to see how I could make my other playlists do this.

I came across a few posts that explained why my other playlists weren’t behaving in the same way. So I spent way too much time tweaking and testing playlists to see if I could get them to update on my iPod as opposed to having to sync them to iTunes before the playlists would update. I finally got it to work but then my playlist wasn’t exactly the way I would like it to be.

Which brings me to my point. Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too? It seems far too often we have to work for our software then it working for us. Why do I have to not have this and not have that to make a feature work? It should just work and if it doesn’t work someone should fix it, simple as that. Now I don’t know how to code software, so in reality in may not be that simple but I am sure someone at Apple has the know how to make it work right. Yes I know they have a list of things they need to do and this particular feature is probably not high on the list but why have the feature at all then? I know they can’t please everyone and make iTunes do whatever you want it to but if you add a feature make sure it works and works right.

This problem is not specific to iTunes I see this type of stuff in so much software. All I ask is make software make sense, make sure features work and make it uniform. We have database software at work and depending on what part of the database you are in, you can hit enter to return a result or you can’t. No rhyme or reason why it works some places and not others, people just shrug and go “It has always been that way,” which seems like such a cop-out to me. We make software, it does what we tell it and if it doesn’t, we bend it to our will.

Sure I want awesome features but I also want features that work exactly as advertised. So I think when you make software, make it simple at first then as you perfect it (yes I know all software has bugs and problems) add on to it. Don’t just throw a bunch of half ass features at me and assume I will be happy.

I know what I am saying is probably not new but I wanted to get it off my chest.

End Rant.

Until then, marvel, children, at what once was and what we have lost (or rather what has been transmuted into Reno 911!)…

On a related note, Survivor has taught me that ladies appearing on the show need to wear sports bras. And maybe leave the house once in a while before appearing on a show that takes place in the outdoors and lasts for 5 weeks. I’m just saying, you know exactly where you are going and for how long…

On a related note, I was skimming through the American Idol “tryouts” episodes looking for Slappy in a Superman costume and I was reminded that lots of people who should never, ever sing never, ever get told so by the people near them. I suspect that this is because the people near them are also tone deaf and thus are not driven away by the awful singing. My theory is that there is a selection bias at work, where the people left nearby won’t inform the singer of their lack of talent because they are actually unable to be aware of it. Everyone who isn’t tone deaf leaves before the song ends.

On a related note, people on Survivor also need to be aware of this bias and not assume they should start singing to their tribemates.

Jesus Stick of +5 Beating!

That all got me thinking of the weird fucking names that celebrities saddle their children with. I love Kevin Smith‘s work, but “Harley Quinn” is pretty borderline. It might sound reasonable, but she is named after a comic book sidekick. Penn Jillette may be one hell of a showman and his show Bullshit puts him on my All Time Heroes List, but calling his daughter “Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette”? That is over the line. Travolta named a son “Jett” because <TardVoice>he likes to fly jets and he loves his son that much</TardVoice>.

Celebrities get away with this shit because they are famous and they want their children to also be famous, even if it means being total asshats and picking a name nobody else is using BECAUSE IT IS FREAKING RIDICULOUS.

Once I came to that conclusion, I decided that if I was a movie star, I would name my first daughter “Snot”. Why? Because I could. If she didn’t like it, I’d take my 13 chromosomes and famous last name back.

That would show the little bitch.

(Snatched without permission from The Daily Advertiser in Louisiana)

BellSouth says it took part in survey
Claire Taylor

BellSouth is a co- sponsor with Cox Communications of a controversial telephone survey centered on a proposed Lafayette fiber project.

Lafayette BellSouth spokesman John Williams on Tuesday said as far as he knew, the company was not involved in the poll. On Thursday, Williams retracted, saying he has learned since that BellSouth is a co-sponsor with Cox.

“I was just unaware of it,” said Williams, who said he has not seen the poll questions.

Lafayette Utilities System is hoping to expand its telecommunications business, competing against Cox and BellSouth for cable TV, telephone and Internet customers. Both companies offer the services LUS plans to provide. LUS says it can offer more Internet bandwidth and the services at a lower price.

Voters in the city of Lafayette will go to the polls July 16 to decide whether to issue $125 million in bonds to pay for the fiber project.

Pollsters with Market Research Insight of Pensacola, Fla., launched the telephone survey Monday.

Tim Tippit, vice president of public affairs and government relations for Cox Communications, said the company was one of the poll sponsors. He said the company was simply “gathering more information on the citizens of Lafayette” and learning more about its customers.

Residents who received the calls reported the questions were slanted in favor of BellSouth and Cox and against LUS. The pollsters reportedly said things such as the separation of church and state may mean LUS cannot offer religious TV channels, or because LUS rations lawn watering during the summer, it might also offer Internet or TV only on certain days.

Originally published May 6, 2005

Here is my poll:

“Would you do business with BellSouth or Cox Communications if you knew they were paying people to deceptively influence a vote on an issue that would force them to compete more aggressively for a mid-sized city’s high-bandwidth service market?”

“If so, would you still do business with them if you knew their CEOs were, respectively, a convicted child molester and a devout Devil worshiper?”

“If so, would you still do business with them if you knew that BellSouth has a corporate policy dictating that they must dig up the corpse of your dead mother and gang-rape her, using any opening they find? What if you knew that Cox Communications has hired hitmen to murder every puppy in your home state?”

Happily, Jackson should be assured a fair deliberation thanks to the extraordinary, nay, Herculean lengths the Santa Maria courts went to to assure Jackson a jury of his peers. The deliberation will fall to:

• Two young black men
• Three middle-aged white women
• Eddie Murphy
• A hermaphrodite of indeterminate race
• A family of chimpanzees: Bobo, Suzee, and Mikey (no relation to Bubbles)
• Robert Kelly (known as “R.” to friends and fans)
• And jury foreperson: A Macy’s store mannequin

The Jolly Green Giant was excused from the jury pool early on when his past associations with Jackson came to light.