Jeremy, what can I say but “Kudos”. You win the whole internet (no delivery after 5pm Friday).

Lets compare to Kingdom shall we? Temple’s opener had Indy being like his dad James Bond, in a classic Spielberg set piece with constantly elevating odds and daring escapes, and when you think its over, its not as they pull out the completely impossible stunt of falling out of an airplane with an raft and flying down mountain/river. Yeah, thats seems pretty far-fetched sure, but Kingdom takes a good 10 minutes to even get started, completely wastes the Rocket Sled(what the heck is that doing there anyway?), and then the infamous Nuke the Fridge scene that I don’t think I have to get into.

Willie is annoying, yes, but she does have her moments(like that aforementioned romance scene and the part with the chilled monkey brains). Lets compare that to Marion, who, after the first few minutes of reminiscing about how great Raiders of the Lost Ark is, does nothing except smile like the Joker throughout the rest of the movie.

Short Round is like the cutest damn character. “Okie Dokie Dr. Jones, hold onto your potatoes!” “I’m very little, you cheat very big!” I always tear up a little when they give each other their respective hats and hug, with that great John Williams score in the back. Shia Lebouf on the other hand, spends the entire movie looking like a douchebag, getting his ass kicked on multiple occasions, and swinging through the trees with an army of CGI monkies. And lest we forget the great John Hurt is reduced to being a crazy old man who speaks in cryptic exposition. Yeah, lets just move on.

Mola Ram is the creepiest main bad guy in the series(not “secondary” one, that would be Raiders’ Toht). He’s pure evil, and you disagree, he’ll RIP YOUR FREAKING HEART OUT. Cate Blantchett’s character…well I can’t complain about her too much> I actually rather like her campy performance.

Temple’s booby trap were limited to the spike room, but what a scene it is. Everything is closing in, Willie is freaking out, “WE. ARE GOING. TO DIE. “, and right before everything closes in on them, the spikes retract! Whew! Kingdom’s flat out fail in comparison. You got that quicksand scene, which starts off funny with the obvious revelation that Shia is Indy’s kid(“Why didn’t you make him finish school!?”), but quickly devolves into facepalming embarrassment with the “rope snake” solution. Then you got the worst booby trap in Indy history, with the retracting stair case. Theres no build-up, no suspense in what could happen if they don’t hurry, and the pay-off? A 2 foot drop into the kiddy pool. WOW.

The big thing everybody remembers about Temple of Doom is the last 45 minutes, and they are a doozy. Indy’s fist fight with the giant Thugee is fun, suspensful, and they worked in some voodoo. Theres that great shot with Indy and Short Round mimicing each other as they lay waste to their opponent. Kingdom also had a pretty fun slugfest among the army of CGI ants, so no big complaints there.

The minecart scene in Temple of Doom actually holds up pretty well today. Yeah, theres no way in hell they could have made it across that leap, but it looked fun the way they did it. It really is quite incredible how they shot this scene, and the fantastic color motif of red is shown beautifully throughout this scene. And right before they crash into the wall, Indy saves the day by getting on the outside of a runaway minecart to slow it down. In Kingdom, Indy spends the majority of the scene doing jackshit. Shia does all the fighting, and he’s the one who saves the day. WTF?

The finale of Temple of Doom is great stuff too. After Indy owns those two guards, we get to the Bridge Scene. This, most so than any other Indy scene in the series IMO, I was just like “Oh MAN, how the heck does Indy get out of THIS one?” Even Indy was like “Shit”. Surrounded on both sides, an army of guards closing in, with only a big sword at his disapoal. Then Indy tells Short Round something in Chinese. “Hold on Lady, we got for ride!” Willie looks at him “Oh my god, is he nuts!?” “He no nuts, he CRAZY!” Indy lifts his sword and shouts “Mola Ram, prepare to meet Kali…IN HELL!” And cuts the bridge in half! The bridge falls, guards go flying down into the croc-infested waters. Indy and Mola Ram battle it out. “Cover your heart!” “You betrayed the Shiva!” Ram goes flying, bouncing on the way down. I’m smiling just thinking about it.

Kingdom has the inexplicable Mayans that pop out of the statues, run after our heroes for 15 seconds, and are then disposed of. They did have a puzzle that a spastic monkey could solve(“Duh, lets hit it with a rock!”), and then theres the contrived ending of the aliens, with no sense of surprise or mystery whatsoever.

Honestly, from action set pieces, to sidekicks, to female love interest, to villains, to booby traps, hell even the music and cinematography, its just a clear victory for Temple of Doom.

Even though its still the weakest film of the 80s Indy Trilogy >_>

INDYYYYYYYY !!!

I’d have pushed the bitch out of the life raft and taken my chances that Short Round’s indomitably stereotypical cuteness would have gotten me pity-fucked by at least one hot Sri Lankan (I mean Indian) villager.

But I did vote for Kingdom as the worst. Temple was bad, but the monkey brains, still beating heart ripped from chest, and zombie-fied Indiana made it bearable.